The Harland Highway - PODCAST 301

Episode Date: August 3, 2011

Songs that bring back memories, the end of an era, James T. Kirk, and Dr. Ascot. Ring jing a chicken wing!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, it's British Airways. No, it's not. It's not British Airways. It's the Harlan Highway. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the Harland Highway. It is I, Harlan Williams, your squirmy little host. And what a show we have today? We're going to be talking about something sad.

A milestone has come and gone. in the United States of America. Something that I feel is important. You may not, but I do. We will talk about it. I won't tell you what it is just yet. It's a sad thing. But then we crank it up.

We get a little more fun. Dr. Ascot is here today, sadly. We're going to be listening to a famous song and kind of breaking it down, deciphering it, talking about the feelings that it evokes from people, from myself, maybe from you. And a dropping guest is here, a guy who I find annoying, but I shouldn't be hostile about it because one of my listeners calls in and talks to me about being hostile to all my guests. So hang around, see who it is. It's all right here on the heartland.

Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings

To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait Was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey Harlan, it's Stephanie from Denver.

Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. 12, 11, 10, 9. Ignition sequence starts. 5.4. We have ignition.

All engines are right. We have liftoff. We have liftoff at 7 a.m. He's going to stand at time. Look at that rocket go! Into the clouds at 3,000 feet! The roar is terrific! Look at it going!

You can see it. You can see it. A lot of a roof is coming here. Oh, and so the space shuttle program comes to an end. A sad, sad, lonely end. Are you sad that they shut it down? That it's gone? After all these years, all these dead.

decades of space shuttles of the United States of America going up into space on a regular basis into orbit and now some 30 years later they shuddered out it's kind of tragic and what's really sad is that there's nothing here to fill it in it's it's like just a void now it's as dark and empty and as cold as outer space now no more funding no more trips into orbit and uh what a shame you know the united states was the leader in space travel space exploration and we just kind of dropped the ball you know you've heard me on this show always talk about how if we don't reach out and expand our horizons you know there's only so much room for humanity on this little bundle we call planet earth and you know starting in the 60s with the space program and going to the moon it looked like we're on the right trajectory to go to the moon and then Mars and then beyond but then we went to the the moon and it just kind of stalled and fizzled and then we had the space shuttle which was great and grandiose but it really just went you know up and floated in orbit over earth and came back down

and you know every mission was the same they went to the space station they came back that you know that's kind of predictable there wasn't really it wasn't like star trek where they were roaming through the galaxy looking for life looking for new places new planets, new wonderful discoveries. And so now that they've shut it down, there's nothing moving forward. You know, I think there's a couple of rovers getting ready to go to Mars, but

I feel like we should have landed on Mars by now. And the fact that they don't really have a plan in place to get to Mars is, you know, that will take another 10, 20, 30 years to implement, Right? And, you know, they've cut the budget and this is where I really get irritated. The fact that so much money, so much tax dollars are funneled into needless, useless, dead-end things that the government spends money on.

You know, think about the hundreds of billions spent in Afghanistan, the hundreds of billions spent in Iraq. You know, it's like take those hundreds of billions and we probably could have built a space station on Mars by now. But we're over there defending a bunch of rocks and mountains and hills. And, you know, it just seems like such a waste. And if we have to point the finger at the terrorists and the bad guys, in a way they win.

They're antics. It's not just about flying planes into buildings and putting bombs in their underwear. In a way, they've slowed us down because we've had to channel and put so many resources and so many dollars into fighting their next attack. with box cutters and shoe bombs really primitive stuff so we're spending all this money in time trying to stop people who shove little bombs in their underpants and you know take over planes with box cut box cuters and in a way they've they've they've kind of slowed down the momentum for humanity to reach out and expand and move beyond. So for anyone who has kind of a laissez-faire kind of attitude towards, ah, you know, the terrorists, the bad guys, you know, who cares?

Well, there's a kind of indirect effect that it has, wherein it slows down our progress across the board, man. And it's infuriating, it's maddening. And you know what? Let them duke it out. They want to be crazy and be nuts. Let them be nuts. Let them live in caves. Let them fight over the Koran.

Let them do their crap. And when we're all flying to Mars to colonize and they all start running after the ship, Sorry, you're not getting on. But why? because you wanted to be an idiot you wanted to live in the dark ages you wanted to run around and spew your radical religion and you isolated yourself from the rest of the world we don't want anything to do with you you guys are killing each other you're killing other people so we just decided to just let you do your thing and well you were busy being uh

Neanderthal, we were building futuristic rockets to Mars, and here we go. So sorry, losers. Yeah, it's maddening. It's maddening that all that has probably slowed thing down, and it's maddening that we aren't moving forward. You know, it's just shuttle gone. Now what? Oh, surely we have a new shuttle.

surely we haven't know nothing and you know you got other countries like china russia you know places in south america where they have their eyes on moving out and beyond how do we lose the space race so there it is a little sad a little uh a little a little bit of a bummer. At least in my eyes, some of you might be like, wow, great, yay. Now we can put that money towards soup kitchens and building a skateboard park for underprivileged kids. And now we can you know, buy surfboards for people with arthritis. You know, hey, I'm all for helping people, but come on, man. all these programs and all the stuff and, you know, $20 million for a bridge and this and that.

It's like, come on. Let's keep moving into the future. You almost wish that Apple was in charge of the government. You know, you look at how progressive a company like Apple is. You know, it's like every five, six months, they come out with new innovations that radically change. change how we live, radically change the world, the iPod, the iPad, the iPhone, the Ibook. It's like they just keep throwing stuff at us where we're continually amazed and fascinated. And we're like, wow, somebody's moving into the future.

And you look at our government and they're like so messed up with so many stupid things that they're taking their eyes off the prize okay because I've always said this humanity has a date with destiny you know if you believe that everything happens for a reason if you believe that we were given the ability to dream and think

and use our imagination that we should be following that and going out there and not dealing with all this internal stuff on earth where we're dropping bombs and putting all our resources into archaic countries that are just don't want to get with the program fine let them go let them run around in circles with their heads cut off can we please just move on and if that sounds elitist or pompous it's not it's it's the plight of the human race we need to keep moving forward Unless we have a big meeting and decide, you know what?

The Aborigines in Australia had it right. Let's just wander around barefoot, spear fish, everything has life, rocks, trees. There you go. Good luck with that, 7 billion humans as of, you know, this year. How's that going to work out for you, you know, 10 years from now when that's double? so anyways there's my little commentary on the end of the shuttle program um my little commentary on how uh it's sad that space space exploration has slowed down to a crawl and uh and some of the reasons i think uh that it has there you go a little sad little depressing but You might think differently.

Who knows? But let's not dwell on it. Speaking of space, there's lots of space. There's space to ponder and be reflective and feel a little sad and empty because something so big and monumental has come to an end. But there's also space to be silly and have some giggles. Space, the final frontier, to reach out to bold new planets, to boldly go where no man has gone before. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise her five-year mission to seek out new life,

to boldly go where no man has gone before, to. Search the Galaxy for Kirk! Excuse me. Kirk, what are you doing in my studio? I must get the space program back on track. Look, I just finished telling you the whole shuttle program is history. I can't allow that to happen.

Oh, and what are you going to do about it? I will call Starfleet Command and make sure that the space shuttle... Continues its mission and outer space to boldly go when oh man has gone before. Okay, stop the music. There's no more space shuttle program. I have to disagree. Turn off that damn music, Kirk.

I can't have you yelling on my bridge in front of my staff. There's no one else here, Kirk. It's me and you. You're in my studio at my console. Do you see anyone else? they must be in the cafeteria on their lunch break but they will be back shortly i can get stop it you're delusional i must press this button and launch the next space shuttle no there's there's no button you know what that button does kirk it launches the next space shuttle

no it doesn't you know what that button does it launches the next space shuttle no it launches the next space shuttle No. That button, Kirk, turns on the little light over my monitor. Go ahead, press it. Press it. Go ahead, Kirk. I will press it right now. You don't have to push me. I will press the button and launch. No, you're not launching anything. It's over. Get the hell out of my studio. I'm afraid I'm going to have to court-martial you for trying to stop. The space shuttle program Here, the USS, there's no Space Shuttle program, get the hell out

I, no more I, whatever, just go I must press the button. Stop it, get out. Okay, but I will be back to... No, you're not coming back. Ten, what are you doing?

Nine. What are you doing? A. Why are you counting? six stop counting four stop what are you doing i am counting down the space shuttle launch it's about to happen i'm pressing the button oh yeah you are you just turned on the light kirk see the little light over my console two stop counting one stop turn on my light we have lift off okay i'm looking out the window i don't see the shuttle lifting off kirk It must be on the other side of the building.

Okay, good. You launch the shuttle. It's on the other side of the building. You're happy? I must call Starbeat Command to confirm. Get out of here, idiot. I don't like your tongue. Get out!

Get out. Stop playing with the light. Get out. Do you mind if I call the shuttle to make sure they're okay? Get out! Out! Up yours! Dude, why are you so hostile, man?

I mean, like, every time I listen to your show, you're like, so hostile. Your hostile, so it's like your therapist and, like, some and the other, your gardener and, like, people on your show. And you're, like, hostile towards your engineer. And why are you still hostile, man? You're issues. I think you have some baggage. You need to deal with these issues as baggage. You need to be so hostile towards everybody.

So, no, about, you know, take it quite a lewd, and just chill out, and just sit out, and just some tunes. And you stop being so hostile, man. Wow. That surfer dude was right. He's absolutely right. I am hostile towards all my guests. Maybe I do have baggage. But in my own defense, every whack job that comes on my show irritates me to hell. I mean, I got my idiot therapist. There I go, being hostile. But I got Dr. Ascott, who I actually have to visit with later today. I got my gardener. I got Captain James T. Kirk, who thinks that my studio is the bridge of the USS Enterprise. I've got an engineer, Roger, who's constantly booking these nutty guests. I've got Cinnamon Boy.

I've got Timmy the Campfire Kid. I've got all these guests that just grind them. You know what I mean? Grind them when I say grind my. gears. Stop grinding them. All of you. But I like your suggestion. I like the surfer dudes like, man, you just got to chill out with your baggage, man. You got to chill out and listen to some tunes, man. And that brought me to this place. He's absolutely right. Maybe I do have to chill out and I want to play a tune for you that I don't know if you're a Springsteen fan okay you might

just know him from the you know dancing in the dark days and all the hits and everything um but he has this one song that I just feel like is it just captures such a moment such it captures uh you know, youthful, teenage angst. It captures youthfulness. It captures the plight of people just trying to get through their lives, people living, people making mistakes, people having simple moments, people, you know, preparing and living and going through the trials and tribulations of life. And there's one song where Springsteen just brought it all home. And I don't If you've heard the song, if you have, I hope you like it. If you haven't, I want you to really listen to it, really listen to the lyrics and the mood that it sets and the slice of life that it creates. It's a song called The River. And if anything mellows me out, helps me get rid of my baggage, maybe it's this. But I hope you like this song. It's, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Like I said, just sit back, listen to the lyrics, and who knows, maybe you see a bit of yourself or someone you know in this song that beautifully illustrates. just kind of people and the things they go through and the journey they take just by living. Let's all jump in to the river. I come from down in the valley

When mister when you're young They bring you up to June Like your daddy John Me and Mary we met in high school She was just 17 We'd drive out of this valley down to where the fields were green we'd go down to the river

and into the river we died oh down to the river we'd ride then I got married and man that was all she was all she for my 19th birthday i got a union card and a wedding coat we went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to us no wedding day smiles no walk down the aisle no flowers no wedding dress admit we went down to the river Then I knew the river we died Oh, down to the river we could ride

And look at it. I've got a job working construction for the Johnstown company, but lately there ain't been much work Oh, the count of the economy Now all have the things it seems so important Well, Mr. Avonish right into the year Now I just act like I don't remember And he acts like she don't care But I remember a sliding in my brother's car

Her body tan and went down at the reservoir And night on the banks I'd lie awake And pull her clothes just to feel each breast she take Now those memories come back to haunt me They horn me like the curse Is a dream alive that don't come true And is it something worse That sends me down to the wind

Oh, I know the river is dry that sends me down to the river tonight. Down to the river, my baby, and I, oh, down to the river we ride. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, the river. I hate to say it. I don't hate to say. That song is bloody romantic. And I don't know if you agree, but God, it just said that the beauty of that song to me is it conjures up so much. It conjures up memories of love lost, of innocence, of an innocent love when you were young

and you didn't know about the ways of the world and the love between a young girl and a young boy was just pure and magical and standing on a riverbank together in the moonlight and jumping in was the best thing that could ever happen. That's romantic. And then the depth of that song, how it talks about how somewhere along the way and that innocence mistakes happen. The dark side of the world has its way of creeping in and wrapping its cloak around the innocence. And things start to go wrong, and all you're really left with is the memories.

Oh, it's romantic, it's sad, it's touching. What a beautiful song. And as always, whenever I play you a song, I always invite you to go back and listen to it a second time and think about it. And some of you might, some of you might not, but maybe if I could throw a suggestion on it, go back, listen to it again,

and think of one of the loves in your life when you were maybe 15 or 14 or 17 or 18 when you were young and you were still cloaked in that innocence that we all went through at a moment during our lives and see how that song feels, see how that song fits when you think of that special girl or guy that maybe you never should have let get away or maybe circumstance just forced you apart.

You know, think of that. Might even bring you to tears. That's the power of this song. Might even bring you to tears. Oh, and speaking of being brought to tears, it is that Friday. And I have to check in with my bozo therapist. Oh, see, there's that hostility again.

I play that beautiful song. The surfer dude suggested it to alleviate the hostility. And immediately, after about a minute and a half, I go right back to the hostility. But maybe you'll understand why when you hear me sit down with my therapist, Dr. Ascott, that I have to sit with because of the powers that be that run the podcast think I'm trouble waiting to happen. So I have to do this, and here we go.

My hostile therapy session with Dr. Ascot. Ah, Holland, stop making noises, Arland. Why shouldn't I make noises? Because it's rude, Holland. Well, who care? Why do I care if I'm rude? Orland. What are we doing today, As Scott?

I'm hearing that hostility. The surfer dude talked about, Arland. It was just a surfer dude, and yes, I'm hostile. Because I have to deal with the likes of you. And you always say my name over and over and over. How can I not be hostile? Holland. See, you just did it.

In fact, you even waited. You put some timing on it. You took like, you waited. You counted one, two, three, and then... Ohland. Sit there! Holland, that's ridiculous, Holland. I'm just saying your name.

Yeah, and you're waiting for a beat to do it. I'm not an idiot, you know. There! I caught that! Holland, maybe we should talk about a love lost in your life, Arland. What are you talking about? Maybe your hostility comes from the fact that you had a young girl down by your river, metaphorically speaking, Oh, no, you're not dragging me into that depressing stuff. I'm not going back in time, all right?

Any of that that happened is over. Any of what, Holland? A girl, an innocent time, down by a river. You know. Interesting, Holland. I'm sensing loss. You're sensing loss. I'm sensing a loss of innocence, Holland.

down by the river. Look, Ascot, everybody probably has someone where maybe they regret that things didn't work out. That's not uncommon. I'm sure you have someone. This isn't about me, Arland. This is about you and the perfect girl that you lost, Arland. I didn't say I lost the perfect girl. What was the girl's name that you'd be?

I didn't blow it with, Arland. I didn't blow it! What was the name, Arland? I'm not telling you. Who was the girl that would have given you children and a family and a perfect life that you ruined, Holland? I'm not telling you Mary Ellen's name. Just stop it. Mary Ellen. Oh, come on!

Who's Mary Ellen, Arland? Oh, nobody. I heard you say Mary Ellen Arland Oh All right Alland All right

There was a girl When I was 17 And beautiful Tanned Her eyes full of life Youthful skin Wonderful spirit Talked about having children

And being with me For the rest of her life life and traveling the world backpacking and seeing stone ends together and the Eiffel Tower and trekking across the Gobi Desert hand in hand and experiencing everything. Keep going, Holland. And just our whole lives unfolding in front of each other but yet beside each other and high school sweethearts and and what, Holland? And

And it didn't work out. Why not, Holland? I don't want to say, man, this is hard stuff. Why did you... Holland, why did you ruin what should have been your perfect life, Arland? Don't put it like that. Holland. What happened was...

Arland, what was it? I'm not telling you. Well, then let me guess, Arland. Yeah, good luck. You were out camping in the wilderness. You were sharing a sleeping bag, and you did a roasted tortilla corn fart. What?

Why don't you admit it, Arland? You were stuffed in. a Walmart sleeping bag with the love of your life and you blasted a bean tortilla coconut cream milk chuckle

fart what are you to what is a chuckle fart Ascot Holland you know what it is what are you talking about that's not what happened

I think it is Holland get out of here I'm not letting you soil the memory of Mary Ellen. Chuckle fart, Arland. I did not do a chuckle fart in a Walmart sleeping bag.

Get out of here. What's with all the hostility, Arland? Get out. You see, you're making me hostile. You're making stuff up about a girl I knew. You're saying my name stupidly.

You're timing it out. Holland. That you just did. Get out. Shall I roll up the sleeping bag before I go, Holland. Get out! Or will that push all the rotten, rancid air of the chuckle fart?

Get out! Good Lord! Is there any reason I'm hostile? I can't even... A chuckle fart. What the hell is that? What a dork. Good night.

Oh. Okay. So here we go. That's the end of the show. I have to end it right there. There's no way I can continue after that. Dork. Redorke.

Well, you know, speaking of chuckles, minus the fart, don't forget this weekend, August 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th, yours truly, will be at San Francisco. at Cobbs Comedy Club, the city of San Francisco, California. It's going to be a good, good time. And at the end of the month, I will be in Seattle at the parlor. That'll be the 25th to the 28th, live doing stand-up comedy, baby. So the 4th to the 7th in San Fran, and the 25th to the 27th in Seattle,

Washington at the parlor um and uh don't forget you can call 888 52090 leave me a message or you can write us at harlom williams dot com and um that would be cool too um and again uh you know as i uh said on the last show the 300 show some of you are gone what happened last week for the first time ever the Harland Highway was not there we went to listen to the new episodes it was not there well here's what happened I went on holidays

I'll say it again I went on a holiday a summer holiday I could not do the podcast I should have given you some warning I didn't I feel horrible but it was you know just two shows that were missed

the 300th podcast which you heard the last time and you know what next podcast I'm actually going to chat a little about my vacation that I took kind of exciting, kind of cool, kind of wild. So there you go. I hope you had a good time

and it's good to be back, refreshed, full of life. and next podcast I'll talk about where I went and what I did. It was an incredible vacation. So that's it. That's all I got. Until next time, keep your eyes on the skies for the space shuttle.

And I'll be keeping my eyes on a big bowl of chicken. Chau Maine, baby! Thank you.