The Harland Highway - PODCAST 302

Episode Date: August 5, 2011

Harland goes on vacation, special thank you, hair gel, and a very special baby is born and it stinks. Blunderful is the same as wonderful!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Toledo. Toledo, Ohio, that is. What? No, this is not just for people in Toledo, Ohio. This is for people all over the world. If you're listening in Deutschland, if you're listening in Ireland, if you're listening in Russia. Wherever you may be listening, it's the Harlan Highway.

Hello. Hello, boys, girls, and poo babies. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be talking about a shit baby. Yeah, you may be wondering what the hell I mean, but way to you hear this story. Shit baby, okay? I'm going to be talking about hair gel.

Do you use it? Do you use the strong stuff, people? And I'm going to tell you about, as I promised my holiday, the reason we missed a couple of podcasts, I went away on a holiday. you all about it exciting exciting holiday great stuff lots of fun and uh i hope you enjoy the story about that and then a special little thank you off the top for some special people uh you know short and sweet thank you to some of the harland highway listeners and uh you know i thank you all

just for being here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway.

Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there.

Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show. Is it a show or is it a cast? I don't know, because it's a podcast. There's no, it's not the Harland Highway show.

So I guess I should really say welcome to the cast. The cast of Beverly Hills 90210, that is. Come on out, everybody. Okay, retarded. Retarded way to start the cast. But let me start with a big thing. you okay a special thank you um this is something i don't talk about i don't plug i just kind of let you find it on your own there is a website called harlandhighway dot com i've kind of kept it under

the radar there's kind of one of those things for you know if you're hunting around you can find it you can go on the site there's some clips and some stuff and whatnot and there's a little page on there called the toll booth. It's like the toll booth to get on the highway type of thing. And what it is, it's a donation page where you can press a button on PayPal and you can donate five cents or five dollars or five hundred dollars or five million dollars if you want to the Harland Highway podcast fund. And I don't advertise it because I don't like to bug people. I don't like to ask for things. So I just put it up there. And if you stumble on it and you feel like making a little donation to the podcast, awesome. And that's what this special thank you is about.

There are listeners out there who have subtly, without saying anything, found the page, found the toll booth for the Harland Highway, and have made donations. Little donations, big donations, whatever the donation has been, I felt it was high time that I gave thanks to those people. And by the way, no pressure on anyone to actually do it. Remember, I do this from the heart. I don't get paid for it. It's just for fun. It's to share. It's to create some laughter. Have a good time. And, you know, like anything in life, Everything has a cost attached to it. You know, obviously there's things I have to buy and pay for and yada, yada, yada to make this whole thing function and work.

So I wanted to give a special thanks to those people that have made a little donation and helped the cause. And a sincere, sincere thank you to all those special people. I didn't want you to think it went unnoticed and I do sincerely appreciate it and it every little bit helps cover the cost of the cast so that's all I'm going to say about it it's there if you want it

it's like I said this is a free thing that I do because I want to and that's where I'm going to leave it but again thank you to the folks that have dropped a little something in the toll booth and there you go so enough said onward and upward down the highway and I think we should start with a very interesting story here it's almost hard to believe how many of you women out there listening or men I don't know how many of you women out there have had a baby okay I've had a baby and not even known you

were pregnant yeah way do you hear this story I'm going to play a new story right now and and then we'll get into it afterwards but it's borderline unbelievable and ridiculous here we go talk about a surprise delivery a mother and sunman Indiana gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in her bathroom. Yeah, but that wasn't the surprise. She says she had no idea she was pregnant. Now, this was such a good story. I had to pay mom, dad, and baby a visit tonight.

I know what you're thinking. Come on, how do you not know you're pregnant? But Melissa Judd and her boyfriend, Nate Smith, say the last thing they were expecting was to be expecting. I lost weight. I lost probably about 15, 20 pounds in the past six months. Were you bigger than you are now? Just a little bit. Not, I mean, not much.

Nothing. No signs. No sickness. No cramping. I had no idea. I mean, there wasn't any differences, no any changes, you know, who wasn't different? Nothing. So last Wednesday, Melissa was enjoying her day off, started cleaning the house when, well, we'll let her tell the rest of the story. I was feeling a little crampy, so, you know, I just thought I'm getting ready to start my period. And I felt the urgency to go to the bathroom. So I went to the bathroom, and I pushed and surprised. So I thought, well, I'm here by myself.

I'm going to have to do this alone. And so she did. 20 minutes later, she delivered a five-pound nine-ounce baby boy. As soon as he came out, he popped his eyes open. He looked. He took a breath, and he wailed. And I knew he was okay. but he was purple, so it scared me to death.

I wrapped him and everything in a couple of towels, clothed my britches up, and I went to Bradley. Bradley is Keith Bradley, her neighbor, who just so happens to be an EMT, and thankfully, was home. I come running over to her, and I look down, and she's got the baby in her hand, and I'm like, where'd that come from? And the only thing going to my mind is I've got to get the umbilical cord clamped off,

and I have, like said nothing. Within minutes, Sunman paramedics arrive and mom and baby are whisked off to the hospital. But there was still one more problem. I thought it was a joke. I thought it was a practical joke. Nate was at work and gets a call from a 911 dispatcher telling him his girlfriend just had his baby. I drove to the hospital and sure enough, you know, there they were. One week later, little Jackson is fitting right in. He's a miracle.

Definitely. I wouldn't trade it for anything. oh my god i hate to say it man but uh you got yourself a shit baby man i mean that is that is uh quite the story that's like a poo baby can you imagine that poor kid the rest of his life you know going through customs at the airport they're looking at his passport place of births sir uh the toilet excuse me yeah i'm a shit baby pardon me sir yeah i'm a poo baby what are you talking about sir i was born in a toilet okay so we're gonna have to take you in the other room okay is there a toilet there um i mean god what what kind of beginning to life is that you're dumped out

in a toilet oh god So sad. How do you break that to your girlfriend or your kids or your anybody? Honey, where were you born? I'd rather not talk about it. No, why won't you tell me where you were born? What hospital? Um, our lady of porcelain? I've never heard of that one.

Um, uh, the, um, I don't want to talk about it. Why are you so sensitive about your place? of birth um uh you'll excuse me i need to go to the bathroom oh that's interesting um god you just like a little poo baby and what about the lady man how do you not know you have a bun in the oven for god's sake i mean let's face it babies kick they move around what was the kid just snoozing the the kid was having a siesta you know i thought i was would just lay there for nine months and not move i i thought i would trick my mother have a siesta she will never know i'm here and then one day when she sits down to take a crap i will pop out and surprise her i am a

pooh baby i am a wonderful little shit baby wha wha pshaw you know and you got to figure if she didn't know the baby was there what else was going on I mean, you've got to figure she was probably boozing and smoking and drugging and the boyfriend was having sex. You know, he might have had sex that morning before he went to work. I mean, how close to the baby does the thing he get when it's just about to come out and you're having sex in the morning and an hour later? good lord for all we know she could have been running a marathon or jogging or maybe she's a female boxer and there's a baby in there how does your stomach not get big i mean this baby was over five pounds i mean you sit down and eat five pounds of donuts or a five pound steak you're going to get a belly

was this kid doing stretching was this kid, you know, figuring out, maybe he's like the future Houdini, man. Maybe she just gave birth to the world's next incredible magician. And now for my first trick, I will come out of a vulva. Yeah, hey, more, more. Well, that means I'd have to go back up inside. Yes, more. Shit baby.

Woo! me. Wow. So all you ladies, please start to take some time off here. I'm going to give you like 10 seconds. We'll have a 10 second pause here. Feel around your belly. Okay, poke yourself. Take a little look. See if you look a little bit chubby. And if you're feeling crampy, you know, Maybe, I don't know, maybe you got to put like a baby crib in the bottom of the toilet or something, just to be safe. It sounds disgusting, but, God, can you imagine that kid at school? Hey, man, aren't you like the shit baby? Um, yeah, no.

No, seriously, aren't you the poo baby? No, no. Come on, man. Level with me. Where were you born? Um, uh, in an American standard. toilet. Okay, so you're a shit baby. Well, my mother didn't know. It's okay, poo, baby.

You're famous, man. Oh, well, thank you. So there you go. Interesting story. And, again, let's take 10 seconds for all the women out there to feel their abdomens. Ready? Here we go. Ten seconds of silence. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town.

One knife. kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons.

got a poo baby anyone with a shit baby okay good let's move on how okay hands up if you use gel you know they got the kind of soft stuff and then the Semi-strong, and then they got the strong, and then they got the bold, and then they got the super stiff. Have you seen this stuff, man? Holy God, you can put this stuff in between bricks and erect a building. I think this stuff is hurricane-proof, man. They should be putting hair gel all over the levees down in New Orleans.

We're covering the buildings in California, a earthquake-proof. I'm telling you, man, I bought this hair gel a while back. Super bold, stiff. This stuff is, I think it's bulletproof. Our boys in Iraq could be putting this stuff on and repelling bullets. I'm telling you, I put it on my hair. My head got so crunchy. I thought I had a bicycle helmet on.

You got to run your fingers through your hair and your fingernails break and shit. Ow! What the hell's on my head? Oh, yeah, that hair gel. Right? Or your girlfriend tries to run her fingers through your hair and snaps a finger? Ah, we got to get to the hospital. I just broke a finger.

Damn you in your hair. Then you go in the shower, you try to wash it off, and it beads. You know? Like water off the back of a duck or a freshly waxed car, man. This stuff's so thick water and wind and rain and hail. Even lightning can't get through it. So save yourself the money on the hair gel, people. Go out and buy a nice motorcycle helmet or a bicycle helmet.

Just style that. You're good to go. Here, on the Harlan Highway. Mm-hmm, yeah, forget Viagra, man. Honey, why are you so... What, your stemming? It's just unbelievable this week. Yeah, I bought some hair gel.

Excuse me? Yeah, they, uh, super stuff, uh, extra. Oh. Um, anyways, enough for that. Um, I promised you I would tell you about my vacay. As you know, we missed a couple of episodes. For the first time in 300 episodes, we missed a couple. My bad, but I went on vacation, and I should have told you, but I didn't.

So let me tell you now what I did. I promised you I'd get to this. I'm a fisherman. I love to go fishing, right? And I have a buddy of mine up in Canada in British Columbia who does a fishing TV show. He's one of those guys that takes you out in the boat, and, you know, he knows everything there is to know about fish and blah, blah, blah, blah, so this guy gets hooked up with these top-notch lodges, these five-star fishing lodges where you literally, when you sit down to eat, you have a chef bringing you like lamb shank and steak and

blackened salmon and, you know, it's crazy. I'm getting better meals at this remote fishing lodge in the middle of the mountains with no cell phone service, then I could get at a fancy steakhouse here in Hollyweird. So I got to tell you, all the luxuries of home at this posh lodge. But then, you know, you wake up at, I'm not joking, 4.30 in the morning. Or as one of the guides called it, oh, dark o'clock, is what he said. Yeah, we'll be leaving at O'Dark 30. And that's it.

The saying up there in the mountains is, first light gets first bite. And thank God I'm only talking about fishing. Hello. So we would get up at 4.30 in the morning, and we're in an area where there's monster salmon. And you know what? I was talking earlier about the Harlan Highway website. and maybe what I'll do is throw a picture of one of these big salmon up there for you.

I'll throw up a picture of a couple of the fish that I caught. 40-pound salmon, 20-pound salmon. And we're out there in the mountains, and we're in the channels that lead out to the ocean. And most of the people are fishing in the channel because the water's calm. You know, it's still ocean water, but it's calm and it's deep. And it's fun. I caught a bunch in the channel, but what I'm really craving is the open ocean.

And there's something about fishing in that open ocean. I mean, you're standing in a boat where the term they use is the water is chunky. And when I say that, that means that the waves are swelling. There's a swell on the water. So it's not like waves are breaking and crashing, but the water is rising three, four feet high. constantly up and down, up and down, back and forth, side to side. So you're literally just moving constantly, up and down,

and you've got the wind, and you got the vast horizon line, and you got the rocky shoreline with seaweed and starfish and bears and bald eagles. And it's really spectacular. You're definitely out there in the O'Natural. Well, I was out there, you know, doing the fishing show, and we went out like four days in a row, and it's addictive. I love it. You know, I'm used to going for smaller fish in lakes and rivers. I'm a freshwater guy, you know, trout, bass, pike, and you can get some big fish in there.

But out in the open ocean, good night. You're out there trolling along. your dragon a fish bait like an anchovy or a mackerel or you've got a lure dragon on there and they've got these devices these great but they look like cannonballs lead cannonballs and they're attached to a rigor and they press a button and these things sink down and there's a depth counter on it so you can pick the depth you want your lure to drag on you clip the lure onto this thing you drop the ball into the ocean and you can be fishing at 80 feet

you can be fishing at 23 feet and you got two rods out and they're dragging behind this boat and you're rolling and rocking out on the ocean and then all of a sudden you just see your line you put your rod in one of those rod holders right and you wait you sit there and you wait and you just watch you look from the right to it's like being

in a tennis game you look at the right rod You look at the left rod. You look at it, and you wait for a bite to happen. And then all of a sudden, bang, you just see it start, you know, jerking, and you run to the rod, and you pull it out of the holder, and you grab it, and you just yank it back, and you hook that fish. Ugh. And I guess the biggest fish I hooked into was a 40-pound king salmon,

or tie-e, as they call them, if they get up over 40. And, wow, there's something. to be sad about battling a giant fish in four to five foot swells on the open ocean, rocking and a rolling, trying to keep your balance, trying to keep this fish on the line. And, P.S., when a 40-pound salmon grabs your line, man, it just goes. It doesn't let you just reel it in. Uh-uh. It's going running.

And you just have to stand there and watch your line go, and you go, when's this thing going to get tired? And this thing will swim away from the boat, a couple of football fields and length. And finally it'll stop for a minute, and then you've got to, like, try and pull it back, and you'll get it back a couple of yards, 20 yards, 30 yards, and it's like, it's gone again.

And you can see this thing running along the top of the waves, and it's flapping, and then this is what's beautiful. You know, you look back, and you still can't see your fish, and all of a sudden, in the waves, you see a wave, you follow your line, and all of a sudden the fish turns underwater, right? It makes a turn, and it flashes its side at you. And for the first time you get to see this fish, and these salmon, you know, they have a silver, skin so it turns it lays itself sideways the sun hits it and boom there it is refracting through the water and you get your first glimpse of your fish and it's like a holy grail just this luminous thing floating underwater and for the first time you get to see the size of it and the girth of it and the dimension and you're like oh my god what the hell have i hooked into and please let me get it to

the boat because he's way the hell out there and he there he goes again and uh so this big 40 pounder i i went at it for about 20 minutes with this guy and what a thrill what a thrill i mean it's a fight man that thing is motoring and your arm my arms literally were getting tired there was a secret part of my brain going please just get off please just get off this hook fish this is really fun but my arm really really hurts you ever hold something in your arm way too long like a grocery bag or a bunch of grocery bags or something heavy and you're like okay i can't hold this anymore i got to put it down or you're moving something you know when you help your friends move and you're carrying the tv or the fridge up the stairs and you're like whoa whoa put it down

put it down put it down let it rest let it rest and you put it down because your arms are exhausted you take a break and you pick it up again, that's what it's like when you get a big fish. Except guess what? There's no putting it down, man. Your arm just starts to go numb. I got to the point where I was actually excited and happy and felt relief when the fish took off again.

Because I realize if he's swimming away from me and my line spinning, I can't be reeling them up. So that gave me a little bit of reprieve. It gave me a little pause in the action, just enough for my arm to get feeling in it again. And then the battle resumes, zzz, real and real and real, and then you get them by the boat, and then they really freak out

because suddenly they realize, wait, what's this big thing in the water? What are those people standing over me? What? And then they flip out. And then you've got to get this great big giant net. You get it in there and you scoop it up. It's like, yeah, baby.

Victory! Oh, it is cool. And then you've got to reach down over the side of the boat and unhook your fish and reach into the net and pick them up gently. You know, salmon and most fish have kind of a transparent, a thin layer of film, like a gel on their skin, on their scales. Especially trout and salmon,

because they really don't have traditional big scales. They have little tiny, mini scales. They have this protective film on their skin that, you know, protects them from parasites and cold and whatever, right? And so when you put your greasy human hands on that film or if you rub that fish up against your coat or whatever, in essence they say it's like being burned. It's like a human getting hot water. It's like you're penetrating that protective layer that they have. and so what you do is you delicately try and pick these big fish up you hold them under the gills and at the tail you snap your pitcher and if you want to keep it you can but guess what I did

hello it's called catch and release I put the big fellow back in the water mm-hmm yep we took the pitchers we had them up out of the water for about maybe 45 50 seconds snapped some quickies and I had to have to have my buddy the guide who was with me had to help me hold the thing he had to hold the tail while i held the head because this thing was so heavy and so big and uh we put it back in the water and you got to kind of hold the tail and the fish is in a little bit of shock so what you do is you hold the tail and you kind of glide them back and forth in the water like a little kid playing with a boat and a bathtub you get the water moving over the fish's gills and they kind of come out of

their shock and all of a sudden they kick they just come to life it's like someone pressed their start button and you let them go and off they go so there you go that's why we missed a couple of podcasts so daddy could have a little fun out in mother nature and as i said i will uh attempt to post some pictures of those uh those big boys up on uh harland highway dot com if you feel like seeing them now I hope, for those of you that don't fish, this bored your ass off. But it was exciting. And if you ever get the chance, if you want a little change of pace, you want something you've never done before,

go online and look up some of these all-inclusive fishing lodges up in British Columbia, Canada. And it's well worth it. It is an experience to get out there in nature and fish for the big boys. uh so there you go that's my fish story and i have the pictures to prove it it's not like oh the big one got away uh it's there and next year i'm i'm gonna go fishing for poo babies how about that imagine hooking into a poo baby some ladies just swimming having a dip and whoop what was that i i felt something between my legs oh oh well i guess it was i don't know someone plops out a poo baby into the ocean and I reel it up for 20 minutes um oh and speaking of minutes

good lord we are at a minutes just doesn't seem right does it but if you want to see more of me live in person i will be performing tonight at cobs comedy club in san francisco california i'll be there tonight, tomorrow night, Saturday, and Sunday night as well. If you're in the Bay Area, come on out and catch the kid in action, and we look forward to that. Don't forget to check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out our store for fun little things. Don't forget to write us at Harlowilliams.com if you have a thought, or you can always

leave a message at 888, 500, 2090, and it's all good. So I released the fish. Now I must release you, the faithful Harland Highway listeners. And once again, a sincere, a sincere, heartfelt thank you to those of you who have been kind enough to make a little donation to the highway. Again, it is by no means mandatory at all. I rarely talk about it, but I really couldn't let more time go by without sending out thanks to those people that helped the cause and you know who you are. So thank you very much. And we will continue rolling down the highway right here on the cast.

Isn't that funny? I started the show talking about the cast and I ended the show with fishing. and when you fish you cast and I mean this is maybe I should just break my neck and put a cast on it so the circle is complete and speaking of circles

they are shaped like bowls and I got to go get one a big greasy bowl of chicken chau-may baby I felt the urgency to go to the bathroom so I went to the bathroom and I pushed and

Surprise. Alive. It's alive. It's alive. It's alive! It's alive!