The Harland Highway - PODCAST 304

Episode Date: August 8, 2011

Snoring problems, getting a massage, odd things in stores, a new blow up doll, and a live interview with WHAM frontman George Michael. Holy crumpet critters!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Time can never bend, the careless whispers of a good friend to the heart of my... Okay, yes, I'm singing George Michael, and why shouldn't I? This is exciting as hell. We have George Michael, formerly of the Wham. He was the singer for Wham, incredible solo artist. have an incredible phone call coming in, live from London, England later in the show from George Michael. So this is going to be unbelievable. What a, what a show. I'll say no more. We'll get to that soon enough. Very excited. Also, we're going to be talking about snoring, something you better not be doing while you listen to the Harlan Highway. I'll tell you that. Stores. You ever been in a store and something's a little out of place?

place. Happened to me. Waiter you hear what I found in a furniture store. Anybody out there got a blow-up doll? Yeah. Well, there's a new one on the market and wait till you hear about this puppy. Operative word puppy. And if a blow-up doll doesn't satisfy you, how about a nice, soothing, relaxing massage? We're going to get into all that. I'm going to rub your brain raw right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's

old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me.

You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Hey, it's the Harland Highway, and I got a massage on the weekend, man. Oh my God, it's like dying and going to heaven, isn't it? A full body massage. And I'm not talking about a naughty one. I'm just talking about a good old-fashioned massage by your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your husband, your wife.

Takes a good half an hour at least, minimum. And it ain't that easy on the hands either. I mean, you know, if you've ever massaged somebody and you put a little vigor into it, You can start to get your hands cramped up. So when somebody gives you a full body massage, your feet, your buns, your shoulders, your arms, your hands, your back, your legs, even your neck and your head, that is a giving person right there, man. I'm telling you, your body just turns into jelly. You feel like a jellyfish floating in the sea, man. Anything could happen.

And then once you've had a massage, you don't care. What's that, man? You want to drive your truck through my living room? Yeah, go ahead, man, yeah. Well, you want my rifle? You want to shoot my TV out? Yeah, why not? Go for it.

Shoot my TV, man. Wait a minute. You want to pick my dog up, swing them around by the tail, and slam them into the dryer. Yeah, what the heck? You know, I'm just feeling like mush. I don't care. I'm like a pile of baby food.

I'm like Pablo, man. What, you want to smack me in the head with a canoe paddle? Sure, man, go for it. Ow! Ow! Oh! No, wasn't bad. You want to do some more?

Oh. Oh. Oh. I mean, I'm telling you, man. Everyone should get a massage every morning before they start their day. That would make the world a groovy place. Everyone would just be chilling. We'd be like a bunch of burnt-out Hawaiian surfers.

Hey, what's up, man, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up? Pull off at the nearest exit, right off the Harland Highway, grab a massage. Yeah. It's Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's right, it's me. All massaged up. Mm-mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, good. I got to tell you, though, one time I had a massage, okay, I was staying at a hotel, a nice hotel, fancy hotel, and I booked a massage down in the spa, and I've had many a massage by many professional masseuse.

It's always a classy affair, none of the naughty stuff, none of the happy ending, none of that. It's always been just a professional event, okay? And so I get into the massage room. I lay down, and this attractive woman starts massaging me. You know, she's a pro. She's working for the hotel. She's got some oil on my back, and she's rubbing away. And then about halfway through, I noticed she's kind of getting down.

down low like bending low with her with her elbow and her palm and she's like sliding it up my back and she's kind of exerting herself right and during that exertion she like moans okay and i'm not talking a moan like you know how when you exert yourself and you're like uh Ah, ugh, ugh. Okay, that's the moan of exertion. These were moans of, like, ecstasy, man. Like, at first I wasn't sure if I was hearing it right, right? She's, like, pushing away, and then right at the end of the push, she's like,

ugh. And I was like, oh, maybe she heard her back or something. Okay, it was just an anomaly. nothing out of the ordinary. And then a few minutes later, I'm like, um, okay.

And then a few minutes later, like, I got to tell you, without getting too graphic, it sounded like she was being pleasureed herself. It sounded like she was getting ready to orgasm or something. And I got to tell you, it was a very erotic,

like i'm just doing it myself but picture a beautiful girl doing it and meanwhile you're laying on your stomach kind of nude and she's rubbing oil on you i'm like whoa hold on what what's going on here and then she was getting low and kind of pressing her like kind of sort of rubbing her body on me and her her her mouth was kind of purposely getting up near my ear like she'd kind of push up my spine and then right by my the base of my ear would be like and I was like I'll be honest I'm a guy I was starting to get a little turned on by the whole thing and I was like okay I've dated I've been around women I think I know when someone's making a play for you I think I know when someone's being suggestive and all my

signals were going um hello this girl clearly is like sending me a signal like these groans are totally meant to turn me on and it's working hello by the way uh right but i'm i'm perplexed i'm i'm in a bizarre situation because as i told you i treat uh masseuses as professionals i i i get it that that's their job i can only imagine how awkward it is when uh greasy old men start hitting on them i'm i'm i'm guessing it happens a hell of a lot and being the gentleman that i am i would never uh do such a thing unless this was some kind of preconceived uh set-up role-playing fantasy thing like that's ever going to happen for me damn it but uh so So I just kind of had to pretend to ignore it and kind of suffer through it.

When I say suffer through it, I had to suffer through kind of being aroused by this kind of erotic behavior. And then finally my time was up and I was just kind of laying there. And I'm like, um, she's like, okay, put your clothes on and I'll be right back. And so she steps out. I put on the bathrobe and it was kind of like, okay, uh, well, Um, thank you. Um, yeah. Oh, uh, that was great. Um, okay. Um, bye. And I'm just, I was totally throwing off my game. Do I ask her out? Do I invite her up to my hotel room? Is that what that was? All that groaning? What the hell did she want? I'll never know. I never followed through. Maybe I need my brain massaged. What a fool. I could have had one of those fancy, you know, sexy encounters that men just dream about, that they talk about, but it never happens to them, and I goofed it up.

Or this is the other side of the corner. I'm like, hey, baby, you're really getting into me. Why don't we get it on right here on the masseuse table? And she's like, oh, my God, 911, I've got a creeper. I've got a creeper on my table. Police. What are you going to do? I guess you got to just keep on smiling. You know it's something you need to do. You know it's something I require.

So I'm going to say to you, baby Jack my truck up higher. Come on, baby, change my tire. Come on, baby, change my tire. Try to change my fucking tire! Hi! Hi. Hi. This is Harland Williams with another helpful tip for you here on the

Harland Highway. Having trouble with a partner, a spouse who snores all night, keeping you awake with that loud, grinding nasal passage? Well, once the snoring starts, you know your partner's in a deep sleep. Carefully drag them out to the driveway and place them in the front seat of the car. Put the car in drive, release the emergency break, and let your partner roll down a hill and blow up when he hits a wall. Climb back in bed and enjoy the silence and have a wonderful long night's sleep. Just another friendly tip for you here on the Harland Highway. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland.

Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And speaking of the highway, you ever pull off the highway and go to a store, you know, maybe a mattress store, a furniture store, a kitchen appliance store, you know some kind of store where you're looking for something specific and well you're walking through that store which is a specific store selling a specific product you suddenly come across something that just is so out of place you just kind of like scratch your head this is a true story I was in a furniture store in Florida okay I'm in a furniture store it's all they sell that's what the sign says out front so-and-so furniture home and

office furniture okay so you go in you walk in and lo and behold there's a giant showroom like huge and all you can see is couches and beds and uh lazy boy chairs and uh you know coffee tables everything right you're like okay it's a furniture store i start walking around and i'm looking here, I'm looking there, and I come around this one area, and, you know, there's the coffee table, there's the couch, there's the love seat, and there's the driving lawnmower. What, excuse me? Yeah, I'm not kidding. All of a sudden, in the middle of this furniture store, they had a little area where you could buy one

of those lawnmores that you sit on and drive around like a go cart and i'm not kidding they had like six of them lined up they were on display brand spanking new inside inside mixed in with all the furniture suddenly there's a sign for a lawnmore a drive it you drive it lawnmore and you're just like wait a minute how what the what's the logic here wait wait Huh? That's like going into a butcher shop and asking if you can buy a lamp. Right? That's like going into a clothing store and asking them to make you a pizza.

That's like going into Starbucks and saying, Hey, can you fix my computer? What do you mean? You're not a computer place? uh there were a starbucks yeah but come on well you can't fix a guy's computer while he orders a coffee uh thir okay well how about this can you um can you tailor make my suit i need a new suit sir or starbucks christ okay relax i mean it was it was just bizarre it's one thing to have maybe like weird oddball items in a store but these were vehicles okay these had four wheels and the seed, and it was a giant gardening implement for cutting grass outside.

Just kooky, odd, and weird. So I want to know if you've ever bumped into that scenario. Let me know if you've ever been in a store and something odd is in that store. You can write me at harlumwilums.com or call me at 888500.000. 2090 or if you want you can write me on your pizza and call me on your chimney huh what yeah that's how confusing it is well i guess this was bound to happen right i mean we humans uh some of us humans i don't i don't include myself when i say we okay maybe my creepy neighbor who looks like boo radley Okay, maybe he's got one of these, but love dolls, okay?

You know, you've seen them, you know, that you blow them up. You got yourself a love doll. And I guess for the guys that have a tough time getting the ladies, well, that's their girlfriend. They roll around on an air mattress with a mouth, okay? Well, I guess it's gone up a notch further. Hello, looks like somebody's created a doll, a love doll. for our dogs.

I saw this online. It's called a hot doll, and it's a sex doll for dogs. Now, we all know dogs love to hump. You know, these things will hump a leg, they'll hump a couch, they'll hump a stuffed toy. They'll hump your face

if you fall asleep on the floor, man. Trust me, I got the rug burn on my forehead, okay? It's not pretty. But a legitimate company has created these little, toy dogs. They don't have any fur on them. They just have all the anatomical shape that any dog would need to run up behind it, mount it, wrap their little arms around it, and start giving it the Heimlich maneuver, if you know what I mean. Hello! And believe it or not, and I'm not trying to be too graphic here or gross you people out, but there is a little hole right under the little

back end. Society's just taking another leap forward. Let's see, we got the space shuttle, we got E equals MC squared, we have the internet, we have the print press, and oh yeah, we've got the brand new hot doll so dogs can hump in front of us while we watch TV at night.

And here's me trying to be a good consumer, and before I let my dog try it, Just for safety sake, I've got to give it a test run. Yeah, I'm not feeling too good about that. But, you know, I am a good pet owner, and I don't want any harm coming to my doggie, so I will test it out before he does it. I better start drinking right now.

This isn't going to be a good evening. But I know you're having a good evening, and here's why, because you're right here on the Harland Highway. Arland Williams Okay, and if things, if you didn't think things were crazy enough with stuff like that, how's the economy affecting you? How's your state of affairs? You know, I would like to comment on the economy, on the debt ceiling, the deficit, all that stuff.

but that's not my arena. I don't have expertise in that area, and I wouldn't be doing anybody any justice by trying to explain it away. But I know each and every one of us is impacted by how the economy is, you know, tail spinning into the ground. Each and every one of us feels the pinch,

feels the effect, and I wish I could be of help, of service, of guidance, of insight. Unfortunately, that's not my forte, and so I guess this is odd. You know, I have a lot of people all over the world who listen to the Harlan Highway. This thing goes globally. And I guess somewhere along the way I picked up a fan in George Michael. uh the lead singer of uh wham and the solo artist george michael and uh for some reason he uh shot me an email and said he'd like to call in and kind of talk about the economy and offer his uh advice offer his wisdom and helpfully clear things up is what he said um kind of odd i didn't really know uh george

Michael had a background in finance, but, hey, we'll take any help we can get. So without further ado, is he on, Roger? Yes. Yeah. The light's blinking. We have George Michael. He's on? Yes, sir.

Okay. He's on from London, England. Let's go to the phones. It's George Michael, former lead singer of the band Wham, and he is going to, enlighten us with his wisdom on the economy and matters of the world, I guess. Here we go. Hello, George Michael. Are you there, George?

Yes, Harlan. Hello, how are you today? Great. This is unbelievable. I didn't realize you were such a fan of the Harlan Highway. Absolutely. I just love to sit around at night. I sit by the fireplace and I listen to your ramblings and just absolutely lovely, brilliant, brilliant, just brilliant.

Well, thank you. Wow. I guess we should dive right into it. Yes, let's dive right into it then. It's the United States economy, isn't it? Well, yeah, it's going crazy. Everybody's kind of feeling the pinch. We're definitely in a deep rut here. Well, look, I've got a suggestion, right, for everybody who's hurting, everybody who's hurting in the United States of America.

I'm sorry, what was that? Hurting. Hurting? Yeah, that's what I said. Hirting. Okay, everybody's hurting. In the United States of America. I'm sorry, what?

In the United States of America. The United States of America. Yeah, that's right, Harlan. Okay, and what do you suggest people can do? do to, you know, I don't know, help themselves. I mean, no certain individual can save the whole economy. What can people, individuals do to help themselves get through this horrible time in our history here? Well, it's all about money, isn't it?

Well, yeah, unfortunately it is. Well, here's what everybody's got to do, and this is going to get everybody out of the rut, put a little bit of money in everybody's pocket and everyone can start to pull out of this hole that they're in in the United States of America. I'm sorry, what was that last part? The United States of America. The United States of America?

That's right, Harlan. Okay, George. What can people do? This is going to be great, folks. George Michael, the singer from Wham. Well, I'm not really in Wham anymore, Holland. Okay, the former singer. Yeah, I'd rather you just refer to me as George Michael.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry, George. It's perfectly all right. It's perfectly all right. It'd be all right if I just stepped away for a second. I thought you were going to... Yeah, I just need to step away just for a second. My crumpet just came out the toaster. You have a crumpet in the toaster.

Yeah, hold on, Arland. Okay, George Michael. is getting his crumpet out of a toaster, and then he's going to give us some incredible, it's kind of noisy over there, give us some incredible financial advice to help us all through this dilemma. George?

What the, George, are you there? Hello? Yeah, George, are you okay? Yeah, I was just getting me crumped out of a toaster. Okay, George, let's get right to it. How can people get out of this delight? All right, Holland, here's what you've got to do. You've got to go into your toolbox.

Your toolbox, meaning like your financial plan? No, I actually mean your physical toolbox full of tools. Oh, okay. You're going to, okay, if everybody's listening, go into your toolbox full of tools. That's right, Holland. And pull out a mallet. I'm sorry? Pull out a mallet.

A mallet? That's what I said, Holland. a mallet. Okay, sometimes I can't really make... A mullet. Okay, a mallet. That's right, Harlan. A mallet. Okay, your words are sometimes... We speak a little... Yeah, Harlan, pull out your marat. A mallet, for those of you that don't know.

It's like a hammer. I think you call it a hammer in the United States of America. In the United States of America, we do call it a hammer. That's what I said, Harlan, in the United States of America. Okay. Okay, we pull a hammer or a mallet out of our toolbox and I'm not sure where this is going, George, but what do people need to do to get back on fiscal track? Well, what you need to do, Holland, is everyone's got to get the mallet

and go up into the bedroom or into the kid's bedroom. Okay. And what you've got to do is got to get the mallet. All right. And smash the turn out of your house. you piggy bank. Yeah, everybody in America has a little piggy bank, right? Well, a lot of kids do.

They have little porcelain piggy banks that they put pennies and quarters and dimes and chains and change. Exactly, Ireland. And when you put all that together, that's money, isn't it? It's currency. Well, yeah, it's probably maybe four or five dollars. Exactly. Money is money, Ireland.

And what you do is you take your mull up and you smash the living turd out of your little piggy bank. Well, wait a minute. You just can't go into your kid's room. That's your kid's money. Yeah, but you conceived a kid, didn't you, Arlen? Well, what do you mean? Well, you and your naughty little wife or your girlfriend had sexual intercourse. I'm sorry?

You had sexual... Sexual what? Intercore. Intercourse? That's right. and you had Zetka, and you gave birth to the little turd. Well, I wouldn't call them a turd, George, Michael. Well, I'm telling you, you get your little turd piggy bank,

and you smash the holy crap out of it with your matlet. And all of a sudden, you've got extra money in the house. Wait a minute, you're telling me your whole financial plan for financial recovery for people in the United States of America, is to smash their kids piggy bank open with a hammer? With a mallet. With a mallet? No need to raise your voice at me, Holland.

All right. Well, you're getting a little irritating. Excuse me? Nothing. Look, I don't think this is a good idea. What kind of message you're sending to your kids? That's just not kosher. Well, look, if you want to sit in the shit and just keep rotting away in the United States of America,

then that's your prerogative. well no nobody wants to just sit in the shit do we have to say that what sitting in the shit look can we keep it clean Michael uh he's George call me George not Michael well

let's keep it clean what you can't that's part of the problem you in the United of America you can't acknowledge what happening right you're sitting in this shit you take your matter you smash your little turds big bank, because you had sexual

of course, and that money belongs to you, and you're going to be able to take your little turn that you created having sexual a course to your United States of America, Burger King, and have a frosty fucking meal. Okay, you don't need to say

frosty fucking meal, okay? Let's keep it clean, George, Michael. Up yours, Arland. Wait a minute. You called me... Up yours, you're a dirty little turn and your mother and father had sexual intercourse in the United States of America. Okay, I'm Canadian.

My parents... And sexual interdependent. All right. Let's get them out of here. Oh, you can't hang up on me, Arlen. I'm trying to help. We don't need this kind of help. It's a dumb idea.

Smashing your kids piggy bank. Five bucks. It's not going to do anything. Well, how about this, Arlen? Yeah. Why don't I meet you in Beverly Hills and give you a crank a good... All right, let's... There we go.

George Michael What the hell was that, Roger? Are you kidding me? George, the Wham guy? Careless whisper phones to give us advice? This is unbelievable horseshit. Good, he's gone. What a dillweed.

Okay, let me apologize for that, first of all. Ridulous. George. George Michael. You know what? And not only that, he used up all our time with that useless information. Actually, you know what? My niece has a piggy bank.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try it in. No, I'm not going to go there. Roger, why is the phone, can you hang up the phone? If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. Roger. If you need help, hang up. Roger? What the hell is this?

He's put a post-it note up in the window. What's it? Gone home to smash kids piggy bank with a mallet. You son of a bitch. Let me get the phone. Hang on. Unbelievable. My producer bails on me to go take advice from George friggin' Michael.

guy he's going home to smash his kids piggy bank and i do have that nephew and that niece that five let's see that's three kids that's probably eight nine bucks per piggy bank uh that's that's about 30 bucks almost okay folks we're going to wrap up the show here um great great show um i actually actually have to be somewhere, so I'm going to head out. Don't forget, you can catch me in Seattle, Washington at the Parlor Comedy Club, August 25th to the 27th. It's going to be a great show.

And don't forget, check out Harlow Williams.com. Go to our store, and you can write me, Harlowilliams.com, or call me 888, 520. I got to run, folks. I got to get to my sisters. I got to get to a meeting. And that's it. Hope you had a great time. Our thanks to George Michael,

I guess, and we'll talk to you soon next time. And, God, I've got to get some money by myself a big bowl of chicken chow-main, baby. Up yours, Arland.