The Harland Highway - PODCAST 305

Episode Date: August 10, 2011

Ice scream we all scream for ice cream, a very scary movie villain, NASA explores the sun, brushing teeth tip, my dinner with some Hollywood big wigs. Corny coco crunch!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'll say sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, swirl and love treats. I don't know what that meant, but here we are. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's me, Ha, ha, ha, Harland Williams, and you are on the Ha ha, ha, Harlan Highway. I don't know why I'm stuttering because I'm excited to get right to it. Why would I waste time stuttering? What a show? We're going to be talking about dental hygiene.

brushing your teeth. I got a quick, friendly tip for you to help you through that. The sun, apparently NASA has done some new research on the sun. Wait to you hear what they've discovered. It's almost unbelievable. We're going to be talking about a very, very creepy movie villain. Maybe the creepiest, scariest movie villain of all time. Yeah.

We're going to get into a friend who's not really a friend who drops by and offers me something to buy, if that makes any sense at all. And then lastly, a Hollywood story, a wonderful story where I got to go and have dinner with two very high-profile Hollywood superstars. Can't wait to tell you about it. It was a lot of fun, but it always is right here on the Harland. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harlan Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me You might want to think twice Before sticking your penis in there Just do me

You're riding down the Harland Highway With Harland Williams Oh, oh, can we talk? Can we talk? Is that part? Can we talk? Can we talk about something really creepy? Check it out.

How many of you like your movie Monsters and villains and creeps? And you've seen them all, you've seen Hannibal Lecter, you've seen Freddie Krueger, you've seen, you know, an endless lineup of murderers, you know, monsters, nightmarish, Michael Myers from Halloween, Freddie Kruger, Friday the 13th, Hannibal Lecter, you know, just all these creepy people, right? Well, there's one guy that some of you might not be aware of who trumps them all. I'm telling you. This guy is by far the creepiest, weirdest, skittiest guy that will get under your skin so deeply. And I'm going to play you a clip of this bad movie cinematic bad guy, creeper. and then we'll talk about it afterwards, but let me fill you in on who it is.

There was a movie made, I think it was back in the late 60s or the early 70s. I don't have the exact date. Probably the late 60s, I think. There's a movie called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. All right, Dick Van Dyke, and he had this crazy car that could fly and float and drive. Incredible. It was a great movie, okay? Really good movie.

It's almost like a Disney movie, a great Disney movie, but it wasn't made by Disney. Like, it's got that family, friendly, fun, adventure appeal. If you didn't know it wasn't made by Disney, you'd swear it was a Disney movie. It's great. Great entertainment, great songs. And in the movie, there's a couple of kids who go with their dad to this weird magical kingdom. And it's a great kingdom. the only thing is the king who runs the kingdom doesn't like children.

He doesn't like the way they make noise, the way they play, they cause trouble, and the queen gets upset when she hears kids yelling and playing. So this guy has banned children. And what he's done is he's created this guy. There's this guy under his rule, and he's called the child catcher. and he's this creepy, creepy-looking guy with a pointy nose and a big black top hat and skinny and emaciated and big bulgy eyes with red veins in them and he just looks like he's got stringy, greasy black hair like seaweed

and he kind of skip steps as he walks and he's called the child catcher and his job is to roll around in his wagon around the cobblestone streets of the kingdom and look for children and capture them and abduct them and take them away and that's why it's so creepy at the time this movie was made you know we weren't really in tune

with the whole child abduction child pervert thing right and I won't go on any further listen to a clip from the movie and this is the child catcher um dick van dyke's two kids are hiding out they've been told not to go outside do not leave the basement of the building because they know there's trouble out there and uh well dick van dyke is off looking for his car and the kids hear the child catcher dancing down the street and he's out to get him listen to this creepy clip Listen to his creepy voice.

Here we are, children. Come and get your lollipops. Lollipops. Come along, my little ones. Lollipop. Ice cream, chocolate all free today. Listen. Come along, children.

Lollipop. What's that? Children, where are you? I know you're here somewhere. I've lots of lovely goodies for you. Jeremy mustn't. Dolly pops. And all free today.

Cherry pies, cream puffs, ice cream tarts, treacle tarts. Treacle tarts and ice creams and all free. Come along, kitty winkies. Come on. But Jeremy, Trulie said we mustn't. They did it truly some as well. Come on. Mr. Mann! Tinder, come by! Hey!

Wait! Children! Come back here! Holy, please! Come on my little ears! My little mice, come to me! What will it be? Ice-cream! Yes, sweet.

Chocolate. Yes! It's all inside. Oh, nice, come in a way. Oh, God, God, right? Oh, God, right? How great? How creepy is that? And if you want to see this guy, just go on YouTube.

and type in shitty bang bang child catcher. His face is as creepy and his demeanor and his physicality is as creepy as it sounds. These poor kids are lured out of the basement and they're chasing this guy in his candy wagon and all the concerned citizens come out on their porches and yell, don't go, children, come back, children, come back. And it's too late, this guy gets them in his wagon. And so here's why it's so offsetting this character,

because as I said earlier, at the time this sweet and innocent movie came out, the idea of a child catcher, a guy luring children with candies and all this, you know, it probably happened back in the day, but it wasn't part of the public consciousness. It wasn't part of the public awareness. We still weren't living in a world where on a daily or weekly basis there was an ember alert or there was a child abducted and found, you know, I hate to say it, but butchered and dumped in a field or, you know,

I'm not even going to go into all the horrible things some of these pigs due to these poor innocent children. And so even though this is a creepy character back in this movie, there's a sense of innocence about it because you're like, yeah, as if a guy like that could really exist, right? And so he was creepy and scary, but now when you hold him up and juxtapose him against what we live in today, you know, 30, 40 years later, where this guy's probably like a hero to some of these perves out there.

I mean, this guy's, this guy was a fictional character, and now he's probably on Megan's list somewhere. Right? So, uh, just, uh, just wanted to, uh, I don't know, throw that out there. And this, this kid, this character has always stayed in my consciousness since I was a kid. Because what could be worse than a guy that lures you away with candy and then takes you away to a dungeon somewhere? So I saw this when I was a little kid Maybe it was traumatizing or maybe it was fascinating

Or maybe it was creepy, I don't know But I bet every one of you who's listening Who ever saw shitty bang bang Probably remembers this guy And it's just I guess the reason I'm talking about it It's funny how times have changed Or at one point in time he was like A fictional bad guy

And now he's every Concerned Citizens Nightmare. So check them out on YouTube. And let's move on. God, I've got the Willys. Hi, this is Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway. Are you tired of brushing your teeth three times a day? Is it using up your valuable time?

Well, try doing this. go to the garage and find a hammer and a sharp chisel place the chisel along your gum line smash it with the end of a hammer and knock your teeth out one by one pretty soon you'll just have some nice fresh pink gums and you no longer have to worry about those annoying teeth

just another friendly tip from me Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway Okay, so here's a fun topic that I think you guys will like. It's a little bit controversial, but at the end of the day, it's kind of fun. Okay, so hear me out. I read this in USA Today, and I was a little taken a bit... What the hell? Hello?

What the hell are you... Hello, my name is Dimitri Olio. I'm selling the ice cream. What are you doing? here, Olio. I'm selling the fresh ice cream. How about a nice raspberry lulu? A what? A raspberry

lulu? Or a hazelnut fun bar? I've got all kinds of ice cream. 455 flavors. Now, I'm trying to do a show, Roger, what is he doing here with his little bicycle and his little hat? I'm selling the ice cream. How about

a gay time? A what? Gay time. It's a chocolate. fun stick with chocolate coconut shingles. Coconut shingles? Yeah, we've got the coconut shingles. Look, guy, the name's Demetri Oleo. I'm selling the ice cream. Look, you can't roll your little trike in here.

I'm in the middle of the show, and you can't do this. Roger, get them out of here. Don't be whisking my al-a-a-a-a-li-y-lizzy. I've got a blueberry. blizzy lizzie lizzie a blueberry blizzy lizzie turn the music off hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping and more than that adam and eve wants to make your life easy they offer discrete shipping as your privacy

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And you tell me there's a real ice cream called a blueberry blizzy-lizzy. You can't do it, can you? I've got the banana, blundy, blundy. There's no such thing. Get out of here. Blondy, blundy, banana, blundy, blundy. Blueberry, blizzy, lizzie, lizzie. I got the hazelnut, fun, bar, raspberry, lulu, gay time.

How about to geek it out? Well, the genius. is at NASA have done it again. Yeah, looks like NASA with some kind of fancy device has taken a 3D image of the sun. Oh boy. And guess what? I've seen it. They had it on TV. You're never going to guess this, people, after all the money and all the work. The sun is a big round ball of red. Oh, boy, big discovery there. Hey, the sun's red. It looks really hot, too.

How much did you spend? You know, I just looked up in the sky and pretty much came to the same conclusion for free NASA. NASA, NSA, National Aeronautical Space Ass, or whatever it is. So there you go. Big scientific breakthrough, NASA took 3D image of the sun. It's round and it's red.

Tax dollars of work. To find out that the sun is still just a big fiery star. Oh, Charles Nelson Riley. What? How did I segue into that? And speaking of big shining stars, okay, I don't want any flack from any of you. okay um on this next story because part of my life as a guy who lives in hollywood and circulates on the hollywood scene it's my job okay i'm immersed in the hollywood scene so naturally as an actor

as a guy involved in the entertainment industry i'm going to rub shoulders with people in the same industry, whether they be low-level reality stars or A-list movie stars. I bump into these people, and I don't talk about it very much. Every now and then I talk about it when it's an interesting story, okay? I will talk about it when it's something cool and fun and something that excites me, and I don't want to hear any name-dropping accusations, because if you guys, go back and listen to all the podcasts, you'll probably find two, maybe three stories of my Hollywood encounters with other celebs, because I specifically hate name droppers, and I don't

ever want it to sound like that, but nonetheless, I can't not tell you about this story because it was very exciting for me. And since this podcast is about me sharing with you, slices of my life and blah, blah, blah, blah, my experiences, I have to tell you, it's not a name drop, it's an exciting thing that happened. So here it is. The other night, I got invited to a very small, intimate affair of about six people, okay, in the Hollywood Hills. I'm not going to tell you where.

I'm not giving you addresses. But a friend of mine was having his birthday. and a mutual friend of his, Ashton Coutcher and Demi Moore, threw a little birthday party for my buddy, and I was one of the six invited to the little get-together. Now, I've hung out in and met with Ashton before. I've hung out at his house, you know, played tennis through this same guy. So I knew Ashton.

I've known Ashton for like six, seven years, Ashton actually punked me once. That's a whole different story. He actually had me on MTV's punked, so I know him. Believe me, I know him. And I would not let him air the episode because I didn't like it. And he wasn't too happy about that, but we got through it. But what I'm really excited about,

Ashton's a great guy, wonderful guy, but what I'm really excited about, and this is why I'm telling you the story. So get off my bag. It's not a name drop. I hope you find this as interesting as I did. I got to meet Demi Moore or Demi. I'm still not sure how to say it for the first time.

Okay? And the event, the party took place up at their house, and this is how whirlwind my life is. You're going to like this. I literally was flying home from my fishing trip a few weeks ago, not even a week ago really and I get the call from my buddy before I get on the plane

from the fishing lodge so I have my truck parked at the Los Angeles airport I literally have no time to go home because the party's at like 9 o'clock my flight gets in at like you know quarter to 9 so here I am I drive from the airport in my fishing clothes pretty much I wind my way up to the Hollywood Hills and they live out there somewhere pretty obscure

and I make it to their house and on the way as I'm going into the gate there's like five coyotes yeah there's tons of coyotes living in the hills and I don't know if they're on a hunt or I was like I'd rode through a National Geographic special. There were coyotes crisscrossing in front of my truck running through the high beams. And they sounded like a pack of hyenas bizarre. So anyways, I get up to the house and I walk in and everyone's seated around this great big dining room table.

You know, oversized table for two people that live in a house, but great for entertaining. And there's Ashton, you know, like I said, I knew Ashton, so I said hi to him. He's got the long hair and the scruffy beard. He's getting ready to do three men and a baby or whatever that new sitcom is. He's knocking Charlie Sheen out of the way for. He's looking great, friendly greeting, nice to see him. And Demi is not at the table yet. She's out in the kitchen or something, or she's in the bathroom.

And so I'm standing around saying hi to my buddy, happy birthday. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is not a name drop. God. But the other people in attendance, it was Ashton Couture, me, Shannon Elizabeth from American Pie, my buddy Matt, and his girlfriend, a friend of his who was a girl,

and I can't remember her name. And then all of a sudden, in comes Demi Moore. And I got to say, what a delight. Okay, this is why I'm telling you. this story because I want people to know firsthand, you know, you never know if celebrities are doorknobs or pricks or egotistical. I mean, from the minute she walked in the room, great energy, humble, wonderful, beautiful looking. I do not know how old the woman is. She could pass for a 23-year-old. I'm not kidding. Just immaculate shape. Physically in immaculate shape. Beautiful skin.

beautiful face. We all know those eyes and could have been friendlier, almost as if it was someone I'd known my whole life. We just started chatting and hitting it off, and I'm showing them my fishing pictures, right? And my buddy's there, and he's got a big grin on his face, and Ashton's sitting beside me, and Janet Elizabeth, and we're having a great time, and we eat some dinner. And yes, some kind of a chef or K. brought the food out what do you expect they're like a mega power couple and i'm just sitting there taking it all in i'm having fun i'm excited to be there you know you got i got to be honest there's an excitement to being around people that are kind of uh at that pinnacle of of the industry

you know and i've been around a lot of them but uh you know ashton's very current and demi's a uh you know in my opinion she's kind of a bona fide movie stuff star even though you kind of don't see her anymore i think people still get excited when they see her show up in a movie or remember in charlie's angels when she popped up and she was just like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa like you just she she's got that star status it's ingrained in us because of the movie she's done you know like ghost and uh what was that one uh she did with tom cruise and jack Nicholson and strip teas and uh you know the uh st homo's fire and you know on and on and on right um so there we are we're having dinner uh i couldn't have found her more charming and beautiful and then uh we retire

yes that's right i said retire we retire from the dining room and we go out into the living room and there's a fire gone ashton throws a log on the fire And this house is really cool It's not too big It's not like mansion size But it's definitely a cool house And we sit in this spacious living room And we sit on the couches

And we start to play this game called the liar game And how it works is Each person goes around the room And you have to tell four stories And one of the stories is a lie okay so you have to figure out which of the four stories is a lie from that person and then everyone goes around the room and says like for example uh i could say uh i robbed a 7-11 i wore one of my sister's dresses to school i ate 300 pancakes once and i fell out of a tree when i was four

years old okay and out of those four stories which one is the lie now all of those are a lie but let's say hypothetically i fell out of the tree is a lie everyone in the room has to guess and uh you know we just sat there probably for like an hour and a half two hours playing this game very fun very funny and uh it's it's just funny to hear uh people talk about things that have happened in the life because usually the lie is mild compared to the three things that you really did do because people tend to gravitate towards outlandish stories that happen in their life because they sound so ridiculous people go oh surely wait a minute you punched a bear in the nose well that's the lie right there but as it turns out this person really punched a bear on the

knows so it was a lot of fun and i won't tell you who said what because uh you know but uh some of the stories included someone lighting their farts on fire um some of them involved people being in different plays people uh doing all kinds of silly things and so there you go that was my intimate evening uh my buddy matt's birthday party uh shared with uh Ashton Coocher, Demi Moore, Shannon Elizabeth, me, Matt, and someone else, and a little slice of life. And like I said, I'm excited by it. I hope you can hear it in my voice. That was fun.

As I said, I rub shoulders with the celebs and people, you know, you do it all the time. But this one was fun. It was a nice little slice of life. It was in a social setting. It wasn't at a big Hollywood, how do you do? at a party or a mixer or an event it was just an intimate moment in their home and uh great couple great chemistry wonderful to see people at their level just so real so refreshing so nice so hospitable uh i had a great time so there it is a little slice of hollywood life don't give me any name

dropping things this is probably number four in a whole list and i know I sound self-conscious about it because I am. I don't like that stuff, but this was a good time. So there you go. And I guess I'll end it right there. What a great way to end it on a fond, fond, fun-filled memory. And speaking of memories, my goodness, gracious me. If you want some stand-up comedy memories, be sure to check me out.

at the parlor comedy club in Seattle, Washington. That will be August 25th to the 27th. Great comedy club, great facility. You're going to love it if you can get there. It is going to be a blast. So that's August 25th to 27. Check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out the store.

Pick up the things you don't know, you don't know. My fabulous book. Guaranteed to bring you chuckles. You can write me at harloweems.com or call 888-52090. Leave a massage or a message. And that's it, man. That's all we have time for today. You know, I've got to get going.

I've got to go hobnob with some big Hollywood A-listers. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, feeling hungry for some reason. I wonder why. Maybe I'll go get a big bowl of chicken chowmaine or. Lollipop. Ice cream, chocolate, all free today.