The Harland Highway - PODCAST 306

Episode Date: August 12, 2011

Alarm clock birds, quick tips, Senior Fuentes, podcast gimmick, email liars, Dr. Ascot. Twinkle my tonsil hairs!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, my, what a wonderful show we have today. Oh, yes, we do. Thank you, whoever that was. Oh, it's just me. Okay, weird. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. My name is Harlan Williams, and your names are Bill, Ted, Barbara, John, Karen, Eddie, Michael, Sarah.

I can't name you all. but what I can name are the topics of today's podcast. Holy God. I've got some quick tips for you today. Yeah, a couple of quick tips to help simplify your life, make things easier. Are you a liar? Are you an email liar? I think you might have emailed lied before.

You'll see what I'm talking about in a few minutes. I'm going to do a gimmick, a rating. gimmick today on the show, hopefully pull in more listeners, an exciting, fun, hilarious podcast gimmick, so that'll be fun, and I've got a problem with some birds. I'm going to be talking about a bird that I want to go extinct. I hate to say that. Senor Fuentes is dropping by today, and yes, I have to visit Dr. Ascot right here. on the Harlan Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harlan Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait

Was you a great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

Hey, you're rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, Harlan Williams. And, I mean, we don't need gimmicks or, you know, kooky stuff. was like what if we did do a gimmick what would it be you know what i thought we could try one just to say we did it you know so here's here's my gimmick i had one of the interns here running around the studio i had him fly to hawaii and pick me up a big bucket of molten lava from an active volcano so he brought this big bucket of uh lava and it's sitting here on my desk and i thought as a gimmick just for ratings or for a kick or, you know, something people would talk about. I'll stick my hand in the lava, you know, just, I don't know,

because who does that type of thing? No one, you know, only me, only here on the Harland Highway. Let's listen to this lava, pot bubbling magma. So here we go. Hopefully you'll talk about this around the water cooler. I'm sticking my hand. here we go, right into the lava. Here we go.

It's in the lava. Okay, it's right in there. I got it almost up to my elbow. It's right in there, and I'm taking my hand out, and where is my hand? Okay, I put my hand in. I take my hand out, and there's nothing there. uh looks like my arm kind of ends right where the lava got cut off so i've kind of got a little

nub just beneath my elbow wow interesting okay i didn't expect that ow for starters and uh ow uh again for closers Fun gimmick. I don't know if it did much for me. I hope you people liked it. Whoopie do. I incinerated one of my forearms. Maybe it's just a bad idea.

I don't know. Big gimmick of the day here at the Harlan Highway. I burnt my arm off and a bucket of lava. It's the Harland Highway. Wait a minute. How am I going to scratch my... Oh, my God. And while we're on the topic of extreme pains, okay, let me share with you an extreme pain in my ass.

And I don't mean that in the funny nightclub way, okay? I mean, like, wow, how many of you have heard of this bird? It's called the morning dove. okay it's a little gray dove i think i've talked about it before but this thing is reaching a pinnacle okay for those of you that don't know the morning dove you probably do maybe you don't know the name of it but let me play you the call of the morning dove and the reason it's called morning is for two reason it's spelled as in mourning for a loved one who's passed away m o you are i morning okay but the problem is i don't think the bird gets the difference between morning for

someone and morning as in early morning as in 5.30 a.m. in the morning when the frigin' sun pops up and uh for some reason this bird loves to make its morning call early in the morning here it is Listen to this ridiculous noise. There it is. That's it. Boo-woo, pooh, pooh, hoo-poo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. It's not a whistle. It's not a who. It's a...

It's a... pooh, pooh, okay? And this bird should not be called a morning dove. It should be called an alarm clock bird. Because this damn bird, there's flocks of them around my house. And I'll be damned if every freaking morning at 5, 5.30, 6.30 in the morning, I get, pooh, pooh, pooh, boon, boon, boon, pooh. What the hell are you doing up so early?

jack wad and here's where it gets really painful okay i have a fireplace in my bedroom oh yes i have a fireplace in my bedroom the chimney goes up through the house and onto the roof now i don't have one of those like big brick chimneys where it goes up about 80 feet in the air and then there's a little round pipe at the end no i have a chimney that only sits a about maybe three feet off the surface of the roof and it's like a big clay pipe it's about the size it's like a square it's like a uh i don't know a 14 inch by 14 inch square a clay porcelain pipe and it's big and it's wide and guess where the alarm clock bird lights to sit at 3.30, 4, 35, 30 in the morning.

Uh-huh, that's right, right on the top of my chimney. So not only do I get, No, I get an amplified version of it because he's sitting on my chimney and it comes right down through my chimney through the fireplace, and it sounds like he's in a concert hall given a concert to 2 million people

like it's a live aid or something. Oh my God. So this is what I do. I'd keep in perspective here. I'm an animal lover. I love the critters. I love the animals. I even did a segment a few weeks back

where I talked about saving two little baby birds. Guess what kind of birds they were. They were baby morning doves. Okay, I tried to save two little baby chicks that fell out of the nest. If you go back about 10 episodes, 11 episodes of the podcast, I did a whole bit on it. I felt horrible. I couldn't save the little birds.

And maybe I'm glad, but I'm not glad, but yet I just want these morning doves to stop. And here's what I do. I'm not kidding. I wake up. I'm in a I'm in a days I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm almost sleepwalking I walk outside and here's the routine I can barely see I reach down into the garden I back up because I have a flat roof it's not very high it's like a Santa Fe style house so the roof isn't that high it's not like a big tall two story I live on a single level house I back up I see the more

morning dove sitting on the chimney and I throw a handful of dirt. Okay, now before you get your knickers in a twisty, I'm not throwing rocks. I'm not throwing, I'm not shooting it. This, when I say dirt, I mean like sand, like, like pulverized dirt, okay? It's like throwing a handful of cinnamon sugar. And here's how insignificant the sand is. I throw the dirt and it's the same drill every morning. I throw the first handful right at it.

And it just sits there. And it's like, oh, ooh, is there someone there? And then he inevitably waits for the second handful. And then he flies off. So that's our little routine. And I am just, I want the alarm clock birds to stop. I'd rather have ostriches like doing Irish river dance on my roof.

I'd rather have that than whew, hoo, pooh, pooh, pooh, pooh. And the only good thing that came out of it, and this is true, the other day I woke up was like 5.30, 6 o'clock in the morning. I get up to throw my dirt at the alarm clock bird. Oh, God. And you won't believe it there's a baby deer standing on my lawn, like, you know, 20 feet, 15 feet from my front door.

I live in the middle of Los Angeles, and standing on the other side of my swimming pool is a deer right in front of me. And I'm so fixated on getting this damn alarm clock bird off my roof that I go, great, a baby deer. Wow. And then I kind of come out the front door, and there's the mother deer. This thing's gigantic, a full-grown deer standing right there by my front door. And all of a sudden, I got a stampede a deer running around. They don't know what to do. They see me.

I look like Eddie from the cover of the Iron Maiden album. You know, I've got that morning hair, my lips are all dry, and my eyes are baggy. and I've got no shirt on. I look skinny and sick. Oh, God. So I got deer scrambling around. I got whoo-hoo up on my roof. I'm throwing dirt through the air.

And what sucks is how do you go back to sleep after that adrenaline rush? Right? I'm thinking, okay, it's done. I'm going to go back to bed. No, you don't go back to bed. Your heart's racing. You've physically been throwing. throwing dirt into the air you you've seen wild deer herds running around on your lawn your

heart's beating you can't go back to sleep and the stupid alarm clock bird won again son of a bitch so I don't know what to do I really don't I'm thinking of getting those little you sometimes you see them on the top of buildings they've got little, they look like wire cactus prickles, right? They look like, it looks like a row of needles, and you'll see them on statues and on window ledges. They put them on to stop pigeons from landing. I'm seriously thinking of buying those.

Knowing my luck, the devil land backwards and think it's like acupuncture and he'll be laying on his back getting off on it, be like all happy, and be like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Right there. I'm going to go lay an egg. Up yours.

Up yours. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hi, this is Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway, and it's time for another helpful tip. Are you tired of washing the sheets on your bed, spending time in the laundry room, scrubbing and washing and adding soap? We'll do what I do. Next time you have to change your sheets, don't tell you. take the old sheet off. Just lay the new sheet right over top. Before long, your mattress will

start to get thicker and thicker with your soft, crunchy sheets. Yes, no more wasted water, no more making bans, no more lugging the laundry. Just a soft, good night's sleep. Yeah, just another friendly tip from Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Harley. I was listening to your podcast about the pyramid on the $1 bill, and you were saying that you don't understand why it's there, and you totally missed it. It's totally obvious, completely obvious.

The pyramid is the Luxor. That dollar bill is celebrating Las Vegas, and the eye is just the light on top. top of the Luxor. So that's all it is, man. It's a casino. America loves the gamble. All right.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. It's so obvious now. Oh, my goo. It's so obvious. Oh, the pyramid on the $1 bill. It is the Luxor casino. It's sure.

Wow, you're right, buddy. Or maybe, maybe. it's the cover of the Pink Floyd album, Dark Side of the Moon. Maybe that was like the original artwork. It was a concept piece for Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon

album. I don't know. For those of you that don't know, the Luxor or the Luxor, wherever you're from, however you pronounce it, is a pyramid-shaped casino that has a whole Egyptian theme going on in Las Vegas. It's

Right on the strip, and they've got the mighty spinks outside, a big replica statue of the sphinx, or the sphinx, or the sphincter. Oh, oh, Charles, Nelson, Riley. Wait a minute. He sounded a lot like Mr. Magoo. Oh, McGu. Charles, Nelson, Riley, sir. Oh, Charles, Nelson, Riley, sir. What am I doing?

So anyways, yeah, and on the top of the Luxor, they have a great big light. They have this light that just shoots up into the sky. It's a super powerful light, and it looks like a beam just going right into the heavens. It's actually pretty cool. So there you go. The mystery of the dollar bill was solved, even though the design on the dollar bill was probably created like 40, 50 years ago. and the Luxor is only like 12 years old or, you know, 18 years old or something. But whatever, so there you go.

Thanks for your input. Thanks for clearing up the mystery. And keep your calls coming, man. 888, 52090. If you have some wisdom, you want to bestow on us. 888, 52090. And I've got to encourage the ladies to call. we get all kinds of great calls from the men uh ladies don't be shy don't let the men take over the highway okay

you can call don't be afraid i'd love to hear your voices you can giggle you can you can say anything you want you can call and say i like chocolate i like chocolate you know whatever but uh i'm getting worried that this thing's getting out of balance If you listen to all my phone messages, the majority of it is men. Ladies, talk to me. Talk to us. The other men listening to the show

want to hear from the ladies, too. This is becoming a sexist affair. It's getting way out of balance, way out of whack. I'm encouraging the women to stand up for equal rights on the Harlan Highway. There. Now you've been told. you've been you've had a talking to little ladies yeah but honestly we'd love to hear from you

ladies and thanks for the calls if you're too shy to talk you can always write me at harlem williams com but if you want to call ladies 888 500 2090 oh and i should also add with the lukesor casino there's this one running joke it's not my joke but i heard it and i thought it was funny um because you know people can get down and out in Vegas right they can get depressed because they lost all their money and uh they say the lukesore because it's shaped like a pyramid it's the only the only casino in Vegas where you can't commit suicide because if you jump down out the window you just slide right down because it's a pyramid right get it Okay, onward and upward.

Oh, Charles Nelson, Riley. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway with another friendly tip. Are you feeling you don't have enough time to yourself? You need to get out, take yourself out for dinner, go to a movie, spend time with the hubby or the wife, but the kids are keeping you anchored at home well try this

if you've got a second car take the kids open the trunk stuff them inside give them a bottle of water and a box of cereal slam the lid shut so they can't get out and take yourself out to a movie or a nice dinner

confident in the fact that you're noisy bratty annoying children aren't going anywhere until you get home and let them out of their confined space. Have a great meal. Enjoy the movie. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. Wow, look at me today, being cruel, throwing dirt at birds, locking children in car trunks. Oh, man, somebody calls somebody, have me arrested.

I'm just trying to live life. Just trying to get through the day, man. And speaking of getting through, how about getting by? How about squeaking by? How about lying? You ever have those people where you send them an email, right? An email. You sit at your computer and you type.

You type physical letters onto a physical something or other, and you press send and it goes through it goes right through to their email but you ever get the people that lie to you right they go oh wait a minute you send me an email well oh no how did i how did i not get that oh my god i didn't see that i guess i didn't get it can you resend it or something or and you're just sitting there going really so you know the whole internet

system i guess there was a little glitch and my My email just kind of popped off the internet and fell on the ground somewhere, or maybe someone intercepted it and stole it. Maybe someone snuck into your mailbox and took it the way, you know, someone would sneak into your mailbox at the end of your driveway and take your social security check. Some hoodlums like, oh, this email looks good. Oh, I think I'll take this one.

It's probably worth a few bucks. uh-uh it ain't cutting it man it's just the weird it's because you know they're lying and even when they're saying it it's like oh man um i didn't get it uh i don't know how i missed it uh or the or worse they write you back you ever have them write you the lie i've had people do that they they write back like eight days later two weeks later and like oh man don't know how i didn't get this uh must have got moved to my spam or somehow it got put to the bottom how did i i didn't see this oh okay you mean the big uh new email that's highlighted really big and black bold letters compared to the other like dulled down emails that you've already opened

you it didn't pop out in your face like a 3d movie boop okay lie That's what they should have. They should have emails, spam, and liar emails. Right? So you can keep record of the email liars out there. Unreal. Unreal. So don't even try it.

It looks bad. It sounds bad. It is bad. And stay honest. Stay real. Just be nice to each other. don't lie try to help each other and speaking of which

I promise is he here Roger okay let's get him in here let's let's do it here he comes come on okay go ahead it's on man yes I said it's on go what do I just talk into this thing man yes talk in there the microphone

uh hey man this is uh senor Fuentes and uh I don't like a landscaping service like type of business thing and uh you know it's springtime coming uh you know you might need someone to like help you uh plant your uh your bulbs and uh like uh trim your hedges okay good did i say it right man yeah i don't know is that all you want to say no i wanted remind people to like plant their bulbs man i think you said that plant their bulbs yeah let me Yeah, man, this is Signor Fuentes. Don't forget to plant your bulbs in the ground, man.

Okay, good. There, you gave your little plug. Now, get out. Don't forget to plant your bulbs. Okay, enough is enough. And don't forget the grass seed. Senor Fentes, has lots of grass seeds. Okay, every gardener has grass seed.

I'm sure people are aware of that. No, when I'd say grass seed, man. I mean grass seed. I'm playing pot plant seeds in your yard, man. Your grass is going to grow up and be pot plants, man. You're going to be able to smoke your grass, man. Okay, come on. That's illegal, and I'm not going to support that on my show.

What about plant your bulbs? You already said that, okay? Thank you. Okay, everybody, don't forget this, bring the call, Senor Fuentes, to do your landscaping and your gardening. Okay, thank you, and now do the part we talked about. What's that, man? Say this, you're listening to the Harland Highway.

I don't want to do that, crap, man. What? What are you talking about? I just came here to be a gardener, man. I don't want to do your job. Look, I said you could get a free plug-in, and you're going to announce my show. I don't want to, man.

I don't want to lose business. Hey, cut it out. I'm just being honest, man. You're going to say it, or I'm never having you on here again. It's called scratching each other's back. Oh, man, what are you gay? No, it's a figure of speech, Fuentes. That's senor Fuentes.

Just plug the show and get off. Well, now you want me to get off? Do you want me to scratch your back? No, shut up. Just do what I said. Oh, man, he's a sign your Ventes, and you are listening to the Harland Highway, man. Good. Now, go plant your bulbs.

Okay, thanks, man. I'm going to be your gardener this spring, right? No, you're not. Come on. Get out of here. I thought you were going to scratch my back before I left, man. No, get out. Come on, just right down here by my butt crack.

Come on. man get out why do i try to help why spring time spring just passed you knucklehead guy the gardener doesn't even know the seasons speaking of time passing look at that guy just wasted our last few minutes here i'm sorry about that but what are you going to do what what no no No, we're out of time. No, I already had Fuentes on here. I don't want to do Ascot.

Oh, God. I almost got away with it. I got so caught up in Fuentes. I forgot it's the second Friday of the month. And I'm going to sit with my therapist, Dr. Ascott. Let's get it over with. Send him in, Roger. Oh, God.

Hello, Alland. Hello, Doctor. Oh, and... Hello, can we get through the whole thing where you say my name 20 times? Holland. I guess not. I guess not, Alland.

Allend. Stop it! What are we doing today? Let's get it over with. Get a move on, little cowboy. Arland. Well, just bronco it up. What are we doing today?

Arland, today I want to focus on giving thanks for the things that come to us in life. Okay. Why? Because when we give thanks for what we have, Arlen, it clears our mind. It releases our soul. And it's a way of creating space inside. when we show gratitude and we give thanks for things. Okay, you know what? That's probably accurate,

and I'm not going to fight you on that one. Excellent, Arland. So how do I show thanks? What do you want to thank you? Sort of, Arlen. Okay, what do I... What? Arland, do you know the silver stuff inside of a thermometer?

What are you talking about? The silver... liquid in a thermometer, Arland. Yeah, I believe it's mercury. Exactly, Arland. And if you would have a fishing boat with a black, outboard motor on the back, what brand would it be, Arland? Well, we had one of these when I was growing up, but a black would indicate it's a mercury motor. Exactly, Holland. Mercury.

Okay, I'm not making the connection here between Mercury and giving thanks. I'm sure you remember the lead singer of Queen, Holland. Yes, Freddie Mercury? Exactly. Okay, so that's the connection? Freddie Mercury, Mercury Motors, Mercury in a thermostat? Exactly, Holland. Why couldn't you have just said, Freddie Mercury...

Oh, And don't tell me How to do my job. Oh, God. What a time waster, Ascot. Oh, What do you, how do I give thanks?

What does Freddie Mercury have to do with it? I want you to sing A song by Freddie Mercury, Arland. Why would I do that? Because it's giving gratitude. I want you to sing, You brought me fame and fortune,

and everything that goes, with it. I thank you all, Arland. I am not singing queen. You will get a pink slip, Holland. You're going to pull the old pink slip. Now I've got to sit here and sing

Freddie Mercury. That's right, Holland. Okay, let me get it over with. Not yet, Holland. What do you mean, not yet? I need you to take your shirt off, Holland. Put this black leather hat on. Oh, no.

you don't and i want you to stick this black bushy mustache to your face holland i am not putting that stuff pink slip give me the damn stuff the stupid leather hat take your shirt off holland there it's off and put on the mustache oh god and now holland sing You gave me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all. Holland, that was very aggressive, and your mustache is crooked, Arland. Oh, God! Sing it softly, gently.

Fix your tickler. My what? Your tickler, Holland. What is a tickler? Your mustache. You know, I don't even want to know what that meant, asked Scott. I wish you would. What?

Alland sing it softly and gently. Here we go. But it's been no bed of roses, no pleasure cruise. You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it. I thank you all. Excellent, Holland.

Now come over here and kiss my mouth. What? Nothing, Arlen. Nothing. I didn't mean anything. That was a slip-up, Arland. I heard you, Aska. That was creepy. Holland, I think we're done for today.

But if you want to leave your shirt off, wear the mustache and the black leather cap. For the rest of the day, that would be fine. I don't think I will. I'm having drinks later at the red caboose if you'd like to drop by, Alland. Wow. I think we're done, aren't we here today, Ascot? I think you're right, Alland.

Can I go? Yes, Alland. Yeah. Wow. Goodbye, Ascot. Goodbye, Alland. Pink caboose on Will. Will should drive 8 o'clock as happy hour, Alland.

Goodbye, Ascot. Goodbye, Alland. Appletinis, Alland, half-priced during happy hour. Alland. Alland. Ah. Wow. Couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I don't know what the hell that was about. I know for a fact that guy's not even gay, okay? I don't know if he is hitting on me or he got carried away, but I've seen him with hotties. I've seen him at lunchtime. I look out my window, and there he is down on the lawn. They got a little park out front of the studios here. I've seen the creepy guy making out with a chick.

So I don't know what the hell that was. Ugh. Freight guy has me in a Freddie Mercury costume singing. What the hell? Okay, well, I'm glad we're through that. That's the end of it. I'm getting, my hands are shaking. My mustache is quivering.

Wait, what? God, hold on. I still have this stupid thing on. Idiot. A tickler, he calls it. I don't want to know. Anyways, thank you for being here. Thank you for riding along on the Harland Highway.

And don't forget, it will be August 25th through the 27th. I am in Seattle, Washington, doing stand-up at the parlor. Incredible comedy club. Great time. It's going to be awesome. So I hope to see you there. Don't forget to check out harlomwilliams.com. Check out the merchandise store.

Send me a letter if you want. You can always call. Remember, ladies, 888, 52090. Let's equal the playing field here. And, you know, it doesn't matter who you are. Man, woman, hermaphrodite, giant midget, whatever. You're all welcome here on the Harland Highway. Thanks for joining.

Until next time Chicken Chalmie Baby Baby Yeah?