The Harland Highway - PODCAST 307

Episode Date: August 15, 2011

Speaking lessons, homeless greed, folding, fake boobs and new bras, Chin Ho from 5-O, The Cock the Ass and the Pussy. Wally wally Washington!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, hi, hi, it's Holland Williams on the Holland Highway. Yeah, it's me talking like a doorknob. But then don't I always talk like a doorknob? What? Here we go, friends and foes. Wicked show today. Wicked, wicked, wicked show. We're going to be talking about homeless people and something irritating that they did.

see if it bugs you as much as it bugs me talking about fake boobs have you had a run in with fake boobs and even better there's a new type of bra out on the market that i can't wait to tell you about this one is going to blow your mind uh we're going to be talking about uh folding your clothes and folding things are you a folder or when it comes to folding do you fold or something like that. I'm going to be talking about the cock, the ass, and the pussy. Yeah, that's right. I said it. It's not what you think. So it's a big announcement. You're going to like it. The cock, the ass, and the pussy. Check it out. I'll be talking about it on the show. We're going to be doing some speaking classes, helping you enunciate better. And Chin Ho from Hawaii 50 is dropping by the Harland.

Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you sucking back on grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of

uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone From presidents and kings To the scum of the earth What a treat Oh wait Was you a great big fat person

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey Harlan it's Stephanie from bed first, just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Can someone help me please? Can someone teach me how to fold clothes? I swear to God, I am completely 100% useless.

I don't know how to fold pants properly. I don't know how to hang them on a hanger without creating a big crease. I don't know how to fold a shirt when I'm packing to go on a trip. I don't know how to fold sheets. I don't know how to fold wrapping paper. I'm just a bad folder. I just don't know how to fold. I'm a grown man and I don't know how to fold.

I'm reaching out to you people. I need some help. A simple four-letter word fold And I don't know how to do it I'm ashamed to myself Somebody help me Fold Oh

Defeat man You know I could go rock climbing I can drive a car I can balance on a fence I can do my taxes I don't know how to fold Okay people I don't know how to fold

I don't know if there's any man out there that does know how to fold. Unless maybe he works at a dry cleaning joint. And then he's probably got a bunch of women in the back working who know how to fold. Because women are expert folders. In fact, that's my new criteria for dating. Okay, you're sexy, you're hot, you're educated. Okay, that's all good.

You make your own money. That's good. I seem to have a good head on your shoulders, but you know how to fold. No, not really. Okay, next. Harland Williams. I'm going to fold up this segment. Keep on driving my laundry truck right down the Harland Highway. You got to know when to hold up.

No when to fold up. Yeah, it is sad. But I had a little announcement for you here that I'd like you to get into the fold. um all right here it is uh me and a buddy of mine my friend dave from uh pittsburg he does all this funky animation and uh he approached me and said hey man i want to do some animation and i said all right i have a kind of a funky idea how about the cock the ass and the pussy. And he's like, I gotta go, man. And I go, hold on a second. No, no, no. It's a cartoon about a rooster, a donkey, and a cat. The cock, the ass, and the pussy. And he's like,

okay. And so we've been working away behind the scenes and put together some kind of primitive animations. This ain't Disney stuff, I'll tell you right now. But um it's just kind of fun stuff we do on the side and uh you know we have a couple of episodes ready um a friend a friend of mine uh from the harland highway uh al feldman uh through some uh rock and roll music in there as a soundtrack great job and uh here's the address if you want to see the cock the ass and the pussy a story about three near-do-wells who have a garage band called Bull Shirt, and they're just living the American dream, sex, drugs, and rock and roll, hanging out in a junky old apartment over Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles.

Here's where you go to watch the first two episodes. You ready? Go to your computer device, and here's what you're going to type. in because it's on YouTube but it's a page on YouTube so here's the address for the page on YouTube you type in YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon cap meaning the cock the ass and the pussy so check it out see what you think leave some comments you know We're kind of doing it for fun, and this is a cartoon that we're going to evolve

and keep trying to make it better and introduce some more characters. And check it out, man. See if you dig it. It's YouTube.com's backslash cap cartoon. And, you know, take a look, let your friends know about it, and leave us a comment on the YouTube page. Let us know what you think of the cock, the ass, and the pussy. Okay, so this is kind of cool.

Somebody's come up with a glow-in-the-dark bra. Hello. What a treat. No more fumbling around looking for paradise in the dark. Now we've got a visual aid to help us men get through the, the din and get to the hooters hello it's about time isn't it glow in the dark bras that's wild i mean what happens if you fall asleep and your ladies wear on the bra when she falls asleep and in the middle of the night she gets a little frisky and climbs on top of you know she's just like

straddling you there and you kind of slowly wake up you're like who's there and you look up and There's these two giant green eyes staring at you. Like, Relax, baby, it's just my hooters. What? Glow in the dark hooters, man. I'll get a glow-in-the-dark face mask, so the hooters will know just where to go.

Hey-oh. And speaking of the hooters, speaking of the lovely hooters, How many of you lads have had an experience with the fake hooters? You know I'm talking about the fake hooters? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I don't need to be Scottish to talk about fake boobies. How many of you guys have had an experience with them,

and how many of you liked them and didn't like them? I'm sorry, but I've heard one too many guys say, Oh, man, I wouldn't touch a chick with fake boobs. They're gross, man. There's no way. Fake boobs turn me off. Screw the fake boobs. If I see a chick with fake boobs, I go the other way.

And I'm like, wait a minute, excuse me. Since when are big, firm, solid, round boobs a problem? Would you rather, like, you know, stringy, hangy, you know string cheese boobs instead right when you see a girl running topless do you want her boobs bouncing up and down boing boing boing or do you want them like flapping back and forth and hitting her in the face i got to get off this treadmill i've got black eyes Oh, okay, I don't know, man. I just, I wonder if guys are sometimes posturing, like trying to sound like they're too good for fake boobs.

Because I can't believe it. You know, what isn't fake in this world? The food we eat is fake. Movies are fake. Everything's fake. So why not take some fake boobs? Right? What the hell's wrong with those guys?

I had a guy tell me a story the other day, and I guess fake boobs can have their challenges. But I had a buddy the other day going, oh, man, I was with this girl with fake boobs, and I'd never been with a girl with fake boobs, and she took her shirt off, and I grabbed her boobs, and I squeezed, and the one on the right, like,

went right up under her skin towards her chin. And the guy was like, oh, ah, he was, like, traumatized, And he said by squeezing the boob, he pushed it right up in her chest. So it went up towards her collarbone. And I'm like, what? And he's like, oh, yeah, man. And she was sitting there. Her boob was up by her collarbone.

And I'm just sitting there going, oh, my God. And I go, what the hell happened? He goes, are you okay? Did I hurt you? And she goes, he said she went, no, it's okay. Let me just push this down. and she grabbed her boob and like pushed it back down under her skin

and popped it into place. Now, I don't know if I believe this guy's story. He's a good buddy of mine, and I probably should have challenged him on it, but I don't know that fake boobs move around that much. You know, like if you lay on top of a girl with fake boobs to her fake boobs get squished and travel down to her rib cage, she stands up and you're like uh baby where's your boobs um let oh there it is right down by my kneecap look at that

looks like i have big giant kneecaps yeah you might want to slide that up baby yeah let me get that there's one now where's that other boob let's see can you see it anywhere uh yeah it's on the back of your head oh my god actually that might be nice i'm taking a flight later this afternoon i can sleep with that but just move it there you go uh so i don't know guys what what's the verdict here do you like the fake boobs or don't you and if you have a great story a great fake boob story we want to hear it man and ladies even if you're out there and you have a great if you've got fake boobs or a friend of yours has fake boobs we want to hear some of your stories because i know they're out there 888 52090 give me a call

try and tell it in like a minute or two minutes and less you don't have to go on and on but we would love to hear at the harland highway some fake boob stories and don't make them up we want real ones. 888, 500, 2090. Give us some fakies. Hello, this is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway, and welcome to Speaking Better English. For all of you that wish you could pronounce words better and speak more clearly, let's focus today on repeating after me. Three, two, one. Boiled broccoli. Boiled broccoli.

Boiled broccoli. Boiled broccoli. Say it out loud with your friends. Boiled broccoli. Boiled broccoli. Boiled broccoli. Say it nice and long. Drag it out.

so it rolls off the tongue. Boiled broccoli. Boiled broccoli. There you go. Congratulations on completing another session of learning to speak better and stuff. Here, on the Harland Highway.

Boiled broccoli. How about a bunch of bull? Boiled Broccoli, here on the Holland Highway. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offered discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire

order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, is he here?

Is he here? Okay, send him in. I don't know why we have to talk to this guy. I don't know how he got in here. You want me to call security? I guess we have Chin Ho here from the Hawaiian Police Force, Hawaii 50. Here he comes. Come on in.

Hi, Chin. How are you? Oh, I'm doing very good, thank you. Okay. Okay, I don't really know what to ask you. We're doing lots of police work. Yeah, you're doing lots of police work. You're out there on the Hawaiian islands.

Yes. And I don't know. What do I ask you? Any interesting cases lately? Yes. Okay. What have you got this time for us? We have a ring of car thieves.

You have a ring of car thieves. Okay. What kind of ring? Like Italians or is it the mob? Is it Armenian car theft ring? No. Well, what kind of car theft ring is it? It's a pineapple car theft ring.

Okay. Okay, not the music. I don't want that damn Hawaii 5-0 music. Turn it off. Turn that stupid music. Turn it off. I want that music off. Thank you.

We're not going through this again, are we? Why? Every time you come in here, you tell me about your stoop, about your cases, and they're always, somehow they lead to pineapple. No, no, no, turn it off. Why do you do this? What? I'm not even going to say the P word. Would you like to hear some more cases?

Do I have to hear more police cases? Yes. We work hard on Wi-Five-O. All right, what else do you have? We found a sniper. A sniper, okay. And where was the sniper? He was up on a roof.

Okay. And? And he shot many shots down into the ground. he shot many shots down into the ground what are you the Hulk no okay and what did he shoot he shot people okay and i know i know what's coming what the p word right i already said people yeah people starts with pee but let me guess what else did he shoot chin ho come on what's with the long dramatic pause i know you're going to say it what else did he shoot pineapple oh come on turn it off would you knock it off with the stupid pineapple oh i just said it

He said, pineapple. Ah. Roger, get them out. I don't want any more. I have one more case to tell you about. It's very important. Oh, really? Yes.

And what does it start with a P? Yes. It's an assassination attempt on the president. Wait a minute. Hold on. Now, that's serious. Yes. There's an assassination.

attempt on the president. Yes. Holy smoke. Now tell us about this. The president of the United States. Not the president of the United States. Well, who? The president of like India?

The president of pineapple. Ah! Come on. Get him out. I want him out right now. Out, out. Turn off the music. Get them out.

Good riddance. Roger, don't bring that idiot back, Chin Ho from Hawaii 5-0. Sorry, I can't hear you. Unbelievable. Barnaple. Get out! Turn it off. Turn it off.

Get them out. Move on, Roger. Yes, sir. Hold on. I got a text. Who's this from? Chin-ho. Oh, great.

What's it say? Thanks for letting me be on your stupid show up. yours with a seven pound pineapple. Ah, God! Stop it! Good Lord. Could anything or anyone be more annoying? I ask out loud.

And I answer myself, yes. Homeless people. And I don't mean I don't like homeless people. Here's what I don't like About something that homeless people do And maybe just beggars They don't necessarily have to be homeless But you might have run into this

You're walking down the street Or you're walking down the sidewalk Or wherever you are And there's a beat up old dirty homeless person And they're like, hey man, can you give me a dollar? I just need a dollar man i mean can't you help a guy

out with a dollar and you're like man you know i just walked out of the store i got a cheeseburger i got a coke i got gas in my car i have a house i'm doing okay look at this poor person of course i have a dollar are you kidding

me do i know you're probably going to go like dump it off at a liquor store or something probably i don't want to be a sumptious if that's a word but maybe you're not maybe you're storing it somewhere

like a little chipmunk I don't know but you're like man this person's down on their lock and even if they are boozing it up you know I can't alter the reality you know who knows if they're ever going to get help

if they're ever going to recover maybe this dollar makes the difference in them getting a hotel room or a sleeping bag or something to eat yeah buddy here you go i got a dollar for you right here and you give them a dollar and sometimes you get homeless people that go oh thanks god bless you man or sometimes uh you know some homeless people are a little deranged and they don't even say anything they're just like onions like okay but here's where i get pissed You reach out, you give someone a donation or a handout or you're generous with them.

And maybe it's not a dollar. Maybe it's $2. Maybe it's $4. Maybe it's $5. And you put it in their hand and instead of like some kind of thank you or a mumble, they go, Oh, come on, man. Can you give me like $6? You're like, wait, what?

I know I asked for a dollar, but you come on, man. give me five and they asked for more you've just you've just gone out of your way to give them some money and you gave them what they specifically asked for you got a dollar sure here's a dollar okay come on man give me five and they up the ante you're like wait what hold on man I'm being generous with you here. I just gave you, you know, from my heart, from my soul, and it's not the amount. It's spiritual. It's from your heart. It's like you want to help. You want to reach out to another person. And then this person kind of like pulls a fast one on you and wants more. And I get it. I guess if you're destitute, why wouldn't you want more? But there's something about

the asking and all of a sudden you feel like, wow, that person's not that grateful that I just gave them something and I gave them what they asked for. Or sometimes even give them more than they asked for and they asked for more. So I don't know. I don't like

that. And look, I'm not homeless and I'm not, you know, living on a sewer grate, so you can only imagine what their life is like. But still, come on, man let's not push it and the other element of getting around some homeless people like you know

and i'm talking about the real grungy ones the ones that look like pig pen from the charlie brown cartoon you know like they've got so much dirt on their skin that you don't know what ethnicity they are anymore is that guy white is he black is he indian is he what is that guy i can't see through the oil but sometimes These people, these vagrants, are not stable people. They're not of sound mind, and that's maybe the reason they're in their situation, and it's a tough card they've had to pull in life, and you sympathize, you feel bad, but let's be honest.

Some of them go beyond sanity almost, and some of them go into a realm where they could be considered dangerous and unpredictable and possibly violent. You don't know. And as a sympathetic person, you could be walking up and putting yourself in their proximity and putting yourself in danger. You don't know. Look, I'm not making this up. I had a homeless guy in my neighborhood who was wandering around for years.

And one day a couple of years ago, just walked into someone's house and decapitated a few people on a boring Thursday afternoon. He literally cut their heads off. yeah it's scary you don't know so you know but you think wow what if i was in this position man i would love a dollar but take the dollar and be grateful i think uh if you ask for more once you've handed you you're just turning the person off and here i am talking as if a bunch of homeless people are listening to the podcast right now they're not and god bless them it's a state of affairs, but it is a bit of a pet peeve if you have the right to be pissed off at a homeless guy. But I think you people know where I'm going with this. I'm not doing this

to be cruel or mean, but you got to admit, if it's happened to you, it's irritating. It catches you off guard. You're like, oh, poor guy, here's your dollar. Well, can you give me five? Wait, what? It's kind of like a bucket of cold water being thrown in your face. So there you go. A little pet peeval of mine. Pet peeval! So there you go. If you're out there, let me say this at the end.

You know, a lot of people are like, I'm not giving that guy money. It's going to booze. Well, just remember, people are people. Everyone somehow has their lot in life. And, you know, it doesn't hurt sometimes to give a little handout. to someone who's not as fortunate as you or I. So just keep that in the back of your head and expect the unexpected

and try and do some good deeds when you're out there helping out the homeless. And if you're one of those people that is like, I'm not giving them any money, I know it's going to booze. There are organizations. I don't have the name of them, but you can look online. and there's organizations where you can send the money to the organization and that money gets channeled to the homeless. So suddenly I'm a spokesperson for the homeless,

but anyways, there it is. Wow. And that's the end of our show. We're right out of town. We're right out of time here. Oh, come on, man. Can you give me some more time? Wait a minute.

I just told you I'm out of time. That's 30 minutes of point. podcast. I know, but can't you give me like a 50? Oh, boy. Don't forget to check out harlomwilliams.com. You can go to the store there. You can check the comedy schedule. You can write me a letter and email harlomwilliams.com. Maybe it'll get read when I do a listener fan mail. And of course, you can call and listen to leave a message 888-520-90. We do want to hear your fake booby stories.

Don't forget that. And don't forget to check me out later this month at the parlor in Washington, the state of Washington. Great comedy club. Go online and you can check out those dates. And that's it, man. That's all I got. Come on, man.

Five more minutes. Sorry, that's all I got. I got to go panhandle in the streets to pay my rent. So that's it. Thanks for joining. And until next time, my friends, chicken chowmaine with a little slice of pineapple. Oh. Thank you.