The Harland Highway - PODCAST 309

Episode Date: August 19, 2011

Muscle women, drug sniffing dogs, mystery music, Michael Jackson drops by, getting a spanking, clever thief, tickets from cops. Sour cream and potato face!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, sweet mother of mercantile. I don't even know what mercantile is. That's not a good sign to start a podcast, and you don't even know what the word is, mercantile. Does anybody know what mercantile is? It sounds like some kind of fencing tile you would put on the planet Mercury. I am the god Zeus, and we must get some mercantile. We are refurbishing mercury.

all right lame right out of the gate let's hope it gets better what a show welcome i'm harland williams you are on the harland highway um we're going to be talking about some interesting stuff today drug dogs

at the airports what a life they have um i'm going to play a little mystery music for you i'm going to play a clip from a band see if you can guess who it is it might surprise you I have a quick tip today, for those of you with children. We're going to be talking about thieves.

I have a story about an ingenious thief who made a lot of money doing something kind of original. And have you ever been ticketed by the police? We're going to get into that. I saw a bodybuilder woman on the plane. My father used to spank me. And oh yeah, there's a real freak visiting the studio right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway.

You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. You are listening to the Harlan Highway here with me, Harlan Williams. and have you been watching TV lately do you hold on there's someone at the door who is it

come on it i said come in hi oh god what are you doing here man i just wanted to come by and say hi okay everybody michael jackson just walked in i don't know what he's been wondering he keeps coming into my studio it's special don't keep saying special okay but why it's special. Okay, what do you want and why did you come by here? And don't try and trick me into saying special. I just wanted to come by and say hi to the troops. Oh, okay. Well, okay. I guess that's okay. Yes. Okay, okay. I thought maybe you were going to try and trick me into saying your word. Well, word. No, no, you know your word. It's so special. Stop it. No, I'm not done yet. There's some more.

troops i want to say hi to well which ones there's only one set of troops no but it's that one select group of troops you know the ones that they sneak in and they what the green beret no there's another one what the special ops special oh come on man you knew i was going to say special ops get out of here i should have known this was a con job idiot special get out of here Every time he comes in here, he tricks me. Idiot. Go moonwalk your ass into a drive-thru. Get some chicken nuggets stuffed up your flavored out nostril holes.

And speaking of a special, I saw a special person the other day. I saw one of these female bodybuilder chicks. Or women. You know, whatever. For some reason, when you see a bodybuilder, you just want to call her a chick. Attractive woman, we were all getting on the airplane, and she gets on, and everyone's wearing jeans and t-shirts and jackets and blah, blah, blah.

She gets on in a muscle shirt and probably shorts that you would find at a hooters. Like, I'm not kidding, these were tight little shorts. And that was her attire. So like I've said before on the podcast, people who are ripped, who are cut, or are in great shape, love to show it off. They never wear what everyone else wears. They always wear stuff that either exposes all the hard work they've done

or it somehow accentuates the hard work that they've done. And I guess why not, right? If you're going to spend, you know, 60, hours a week in a gym getting ripped you know you might as well show it to someone make the rest of us feel like slobs but i just don't know how i feel about the female bodybuilder man i mean this this lady her her legs she stood up to put some stuff in the overhead bin which i think she might have done on purpose because think of all the posing you have to do when you uh you know put stuff in the overhead bin on the airplane right you got to get out of your seat okay there you are standing in

the aisle everyone can see you everyone's looking at you you're right out there on the aisle right it's almost like being up on a podium there's nowhere else for people to look everybody's looking forward and we were right at the front of the plane and then she pops the uh the overhead compartment open and of course you know you've got a it's almost like lifting a weight It's like the clean and jerk. You've got to lift up an object. Usually your luggage is heavy. It has some weight.

And you bring it up to your chest. You spin your wrists around so you can get behind your suitcase or rolly bag or whatever. And at this point, you know, you're kind of one hand to the right, one hand to the left on either side of your head. And you're pushing it in, right? and obviously that takes a bit of muscle, a bit of finangling. And so this bodybuilder check was certainly taking her time stuffing her bag in there. And meanwhile, the calves of her legs, her thighs on her legs, good Lord, looked like a small Indonesian boy, each one of them.

I mean, it was, it was something to see. And, you know, like I said, she had an attractive face, kind of hip hairstyle. But I got to tell you, man, when this girl just raised her arm, like to look at her watch or scratch her nose. Every friggin muscle in her shoulder, in her bicep, in her tricep, I mean, it just ripped. I mean, it was like looking at a cone in the librarian or something, you know? Even her skin would, like, tighten up and go all muscular. It's like not only were her muscles muscular, but her skin.

The cells in her skin were muscular, I say. And so I guess where I'm going with this is, how did I feel about it? I couldn't decide. And when I say feel about it, was I attracted to her? Was I not attracted to her? I don't know. I think because she had an attractive face, that made her more appealing. And she certainly had a nice, even body, smooth skin.

She was tanned, obviously in shape, but I just don't know if you could get physical with a girl like that without thinking you're uh rolling around with jessie ventura right or or having a makeout session on your couch with lou ferrigno hey baby put your arms around me okay not that hard not that much take them off take them off take them off sorry baby not as sorry as i am and why is your voice so deep i don't know So anyways Another bizarre experience In the day of the life of me

And my observations On the She-Hulk How is it the drug-sniffing dogs Aren't cracked out of their heads Think about it, man You're a St. Bernard or a German Shepherd. You're walking around the airport, snorting Coke all day, snorting crystal meth and Afghan opium.

I mean, good Lord, man. What's the shelf life of a drug sniffing dog, man? They should make a new breed of dog, the Keith Richards Terrier. So at least the dog knows what it was born to do, you know? I mean, dogs are specialized. We've got sheep herding dogs, swimming dogs, we've got snow rescue dogs, we've got hunting dogs. How about the Cocker Keith Richards Terrier Spaniel? These things could have beads in their hair and wear sunglasses, and they could just like walk around the airport, right?

Oh, there's some nice, great A Coke in that suitcase, mate. Let's open that up and have a. a sniffy. And do we have rehab for these dogs, man? Do we have a halfway doghouse somewhere? Maybe we should stop sending dogs in to sniff the drugs and send in Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Like there's some heroin in this bag, Scoop.

And a pizza pie! Uh-oh. Hey, Scooby! Good dog. Now drive. Drive, doggy, drive. Take down the Harland Highway. Yeah, I got nailed by a drug dog once.

Going through the Vancouver Airport, right? I'm walking through, and I have a bit of a connection with dogs. So I'm walking through. I just passed like the passport check-in joint. and I'm heading to where you, like, hand the guy your little declaration card, right? And I'm walking that way. Here comes the customs guy with a beagle, all right? And I have a connection with dogs.

I like dogs, and I make the mistake of looking at this dog in the eye and kind of sending the energy. And we know how dogs pick up on energy. And it's kind of like, hey, boy, boom, he comes running over, jumps up on me to play. And the guy at the airport, the security guy without missing a beat, grabs his little radio, he goes, we got one. And they wailed my ass into the back room and started ripping through my stuff and, you know, pulling out my clothes and going through my wallet and, you know, giving me a hard time. And so just be careful how friendly you are with the Keith Richards Airport dogs man

you know just don't get too friendly with like the uh keith richards terriers man because uh they will set off alarms everywhere and uh speaking of music

keith richards and music i want to do a music quiz for you right now i want you to see if you can guess who this singer is he's a band. If you can guess the band and guess the singer, I think you're going to be surprised at the answer. So take a listen and see if you can figure out this music quiz. Who's the singer or

what's the name of the band? But this lonely boy Out in the madness The all-seeing eye Flickers above us Okay And I'm stopping it right there Just before it gets raunchy.

Now the reason I played you that little clip is it's very melodic, it's very soothing, that you can hear that the vocals are very nice, and the reason I've played it is because it's, you know, if you're a fan of this band, you'll know it immediately. But to the average listener, you might be surprised to know that that kind of soft, soothing, dare I say, pleasant voice, is

Iron Maiden A thrash metal band Isn't that wild There was an original singer named Paul Deano He did the first two albums With Iron Maiden And then he kind of got his butt hoofed out

And then they brought in a new singer Bruce Dickerson I think is his name And I just thought it would be fun to show you folks a curveball, because I know not everyone listens to Iron Maiden, obviously, and those of you that have heard of it probably associate it with, you know, long hair and kids head banging and thrash metal, which it is. It's great. But it just goes to show you that underneath all the noise and the tribal head banging, which I love, there's also, A whole whack of talent, talented singer there.

And, you know, I cut it off just before he went into, like, the hard stuff. So what I'll do is I'll let you hear a little bit of the hard stuff. I'm just going to play, like, 20 seconds of it. But you can see how it goes from, you know, the sweet, sweet sounds. You can almost hear it on one of those, like, love songs on the coast radio stations. and now for all your lovers out there the sweet sweet sounds of iron maiden so here's the sweet part it rolls into the heavier stuff and then i'm going to cut it off pretty quick but a little surprise for you there hope you enjoyed it Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hi, this is Harlan Williams here for the Harland Highway. Are you worried about disciplining your child? You're no longer allowed to spank your kids? Well, here's what you do. When they misbehave, dress them up like a pinata.

Take them out into the yard and swing them from a. tree. People will just think you're having a Mexican festival, and you'll be free to smack your kids with a stick all you want. What a great way to keep your children in line. Just another friendly tip from me, Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Oh, the spankings, the dirty spankings. Were you a kid who got spanked? Did your parents incorporate the spanking method to keep you in line were you for it or against it yeah like any kids gonna be for it um daddy i was bad today if you don't mind i'd like a spanking please um god that put the holy terror of hell in me we were a household where we got spanked man and it didn't happen often it

did not happen often but it was always meticulous it was the over the knee panty down whack on the bare butt oh and it wasn't so much even when you got hit it's like out of the corner of your eye you could see your father's hand up in the air and it was almost like trembling and shaking and it was it was that moment where you could see the hand in the air before it came down once it was down you're kind of like but is when it was up and he was like he was like kind of you know what I mean like lining up the shot type of thing he was like he was getting it ready he was like he's you know putting the power into the arm and it was just hovering over your little nine-year-old ass cheeks and it was just like uh like a hovering like a like a like a hummingbird

just there's that big father hand you know and it's like a man hand and it's like a man hand and it looks It's got a baseball glove on it. It's so big. Just hovering. Your ass is still stinging from the last one. He's letting you feel it for a minute before bringing down the pan. Psh! Oh, God.

And didn't you hate your pants? I remember once my dad did it, and as he was walking out the door, he looked back at me, and I just looked right at him. I said, I hate your guts. oh that felt good that's all i had man that's all that was my only weapon you know i was nine years old i couldn't throw a punch at my old man i couldn't light his bed on fire so what do you got even at that age you kind of know that kids are the pride and joy right you know it at an early age how uh how parents love and uh you know just coddled their children

children. I thought, what do I got? What do I got? He's just about to leave the room. My ass is pink and red and purple. I've got tears coming out of the side of my eyes. I'm mad. I confused. I hate your guts. And that was my arrow, man. Boo! Right through the heart. Yeah, man, it's all you can do. And you got to figure it hurt. Because you've got to figure any parent with a good heart is already probably feeling guilty about spanking, like hitting your kid. I mean, is anything that bad that you have to spank your kid? So they're probably already, the minute the spanking's over, they probably get all that anger and frustration out with the hovering hand. Right? And the pounding is finished.

And they're like, oh, God. good i got all that frustration now but god i'm a 45-year-old man and really i just pummeled like a nine-year-old boy a helpless boy i put him over my knee and i pumbled him oh god what's wrong with me god forgive me for beating a child so your father's carrying that out the bedroom door and then all of a sudden i hate your gut not just i hate you i hate your god That's like with spaghetti sauce on it, man. That's like slathered in Primo Vera. I hate you, is like the main course.

And then with the, your guts is just like putting cream on it. And then, you know, I think inevitably what happened with me is I don't remember this part, but it was probably like a big makeup session the next night when Daddy comes in to hug you. i don't really hate your guts daddy i didn't mean it sorry but i haven't been able to sit down all day and i'm very tired so there you go i don't know if you were a spank some people won't do it some parents won't do it i gotta say from my perspective from my point of view it terrified me i hate it but man did it keep me in line you know and now you can't can't do it to your kid you know you can't spank the kid i don't know if it's a law or not i don't have kids if i had kids i'd know but i have a sneaky feel and it's law now you're not allowed to spank your bare-butt kid and uh i don't know about that i don't know even though as a kid i

hated getting spanked i know it certainly kept me in line right and um you got to wonder if kids are getting away with too much nowadays you know you look at the animal kingdom right you know mama fox or mama wolf is playing around with the cubs you know everything's dandy one of the cubs gets a little too mama wolf like snap you know there's a little bite a little nip you stay in line little wolf cub and then it's forgotten you know it's just part of uh it's part of the growing process for living things, for the older, bigger, you know, members of the tribe to discipline the younger unruly members of the tribe

or the clan or the pack or whatever. So there you go. I guess now I'm going on too long and giving you a big verbal spanking. So enough, enough, enough. Hopefully you made it through the spanking. Okay, so I don't condone crime. Nobody should.

Stealing is wrong, but every now and then you got to give props to someone who uses their noggin and gets a little creative. And again, I don't condone this behavior. I don't want anybody to go out and do this, but there was a story in the news where some guy went, to some city and set up like 36 fake parking meters, which if you think about it, none of us really know what an official parking meter looks like. If someone were to bolt a fake one to the ground, would we pay at any heed?

Would we know the difference? We just know that when we pull up to the curb, we got a stuff like $3 worth of quarters in there, right? Who questions? We're all a bunch of sheep. parking meters must park the car so some guy

distributed at 36 parking meters fake ones throughout the city and over a certain period of time which wasn't long apparently collected like $83,000 now that's creative nobody got hurt you know it's not like he went up

and robbed anyone of like their life savings or even $40 or $50 out of their wallet. He took their cheesy change that they keep in their cup holder in their car. I mean, you know, the quarters are probably covered with Pepsi or Mountain Dew anyhow. And little pieces of cheese from Taco Bell and gum and dirt. Now, he got caught. Okay, he deserves to get caught. Stealing is a crime, whether it's a penny or it's the guys at Enron who took like $300 billion.

But I just got to go, wow. That would actually be kind of a cool crime. But what I would have liked to have seen is when he pulled up to a meter to take the money out of his fake meters, I would have loved it if while he was doing that, he got a parking ticket. It's karma people. Harlan Williams. Yeah. This is Harlan Williams.

I love that crazy little laugh from the Simpsons. It's so, I don't know. It's so, it's like, that's like an arrow through the heart. When that guy laughs at you, you know you're being mocked. And yes, I got a ticket recently. And it was kind of a funny one, man. Me and a couple of buddies of mine were like four wheeling out in the desert and a truck. in my old pickup truck right and we're driving back and we see a burger joint off the highway and we're like oh man let's go get a drive through so we pull off the highway and we're just about to pull into the burger joint and a cop gets behind me and lights me up and i'm like what the hell right i mean i just pulled off the highway so there's no way i was speeding i knew i was just i was pretty much crawling because you get off the highway you know how those burger joints are right off the exit ramps

so you can't even get any speed. So I'm like, okay. And then the light wasn't working that we had to go through. It was like one of those ones where it was out, so the red was just flashing off and on. And so it was like an honor system. Everyone who came to the intersection had to stop, take their turn, and go through.

It almost became like a stop sign. And so I did that, came to a full stop. I rolled through. And when I get to the other side, all of a sudden the officer-friendly lights me up. And I'm like, what the hell? I didn't roll through that thing. I didn't do anything wrong.

So I pull over. He gets on the speaker. I was still kind of going for the burger joint. So I stayed in the left lane. He's like, to the right tide. Pull to the right. To the right side. Pull to the right.

Right? And I'm fighting a wheel because we want to get our cheeseburgers. So I pull over and, you know, cop walks up to the passenger side where my buddy was sitting and then at another buddy in the backseat. And I've got the power window control, so I, like, slide down the power window, and this cop walks up, you know. He's got the obligatory hand on his Glock.

And he looks in, he's like, how are you doing today? And I'm like, I'm doing good officer, and he looks at me, he goes, ah, has anyone ever talked to you about your tint? And I was just quiet for, I thought, Wait, what? Has anyone ever talked to you about your tent? And I just started laughing. I broke out laughing.

I go, officer, you know, there's a joke here, right? And he started laughing. Because here's the deal. I have tinted windows. Okay? I have a little, a light black tint on my truck windows. And I guess it's illegal to have any tinting on your windows in California. but as you know tint can sound kind of sexual or or naughty or something it's not too far off from

someone saying has anyone ever asked you about your taint tint and taint are very close and so we started laughing we had a little chuckle and then he gave me a ticket um a fix ticket he said look man you can go get the the tin scraped off and you're going to be fine. The judge will wipe this clean. I'm like, no, I don't think I'm going to go take a day out of my life, drive down to the tin place, have them scrape off the beautiful tin job they did for a couple of hundred bucks. So now I'm tintless, and I spent three hours, four hours, sitting there,

while they scraped off work that I've already paid to have done. No, thanks. I've been driving with tinted windows for 20 years. You're the first cop to pull me over. And I hate to say it. I love the cops, but come on, man. I think I said to my buddy, I said, what's going on? He goes, well, it's the last day of the month, man.

They're looking to fill their quota. And I got to believe that's a bunch of bunk, but maybe it wasn't. Because who pulls a guy over for tinted windows? I can see if you're maybe in a low rider or, you know, but three guys. goofy guys in a pickup truck. So I'm just going to let it ride, man, and hopefully I'll pay the ticket, whatever it is, and I'll just keep my tinted windows

and kind of hope that no other cops pulled me over in the next 20 years. By the way, I've been pulled over many a time by cops for other things. Not once. Has anyone ever said anything about the tent? Not once. Hey, man, has anyone ever asked you about your tin?

Well, now that you mention it, officer, I think you are. Excuse me? I think you just asked me about my tent, officer. Uh, I didn't mean it that way. Well, how did you mean it? Uh, I mean the, uh, the dark, uh, shaded area right here? Oh, I've got a dark shaded area. Absolutely.

Uh, no, the one you, uh, slide up and down here. Oh, oh, we can slide it up and down all you want. officer okay i'm gonna go you have a nice day enjoy your taint i mean your tent i will can i get you a cheese burger oh no thanks i'm busy so there you go my adventure in taint town um never fun getting a ticket but uh you know even though i got a ticket i got a good laugh out of it i've never been grilled for my taint so there you go and speaking Speaking of dark places, we are at a dark place because we're at the end of the podcast, man. So sad.

Don't forget, you can write me at harlanwilliams.com. I might read your email on the air when we do the listener mailbag. You can call, leave a voicemail if you fancy 888-52090. And don't forget to check out Harlandwilliams.com. Check out the merchandise store. at harle williams.com check out the stand-up comedy schedule and uh that's it man we are done this ride has been pulled over we are getting out i guess the highway is closed and until next time chicken chow maine baby

Thank you.