The Harland Highway - PODCAST 310

Episode Date: August 22, 2011

Concert tickets, Singer George Michael calls in, pillows, humans are evolving, home surprises, beer samples. Galvonize my alvonize!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dear Lord above, please let this be the Harland Highway podcast. Yep, your prayers are answered, boys and girls. It is the Harlan Highway podcast. Welcome, I'm Harland Williams. You are here. I am here. Let's get it going, man. What a show, what a show.

I'm going to be talking about evolution. It is my belief that human beings are evolving into something else, and it's a little bit creepy whether you hear it i'm going to have some quick tips for you today um how about your house have you ever had a surprise at your house i had one of mine um i'll tell you all about it as we get going here um how about concert tickets anybody got concert tickets for me i'm looking to see a band a hot rock and roll band and i'm going to be asking you for tickets Speaking of rock and roll, I believe George Michael, the singer from Wham, is dropping by to discuss something with us today. I don't know that it went that well last time, but let's see.

How about your pillow? Do you have a good pillow on your bed? Do you, little fella? Well, we're going to talk about pillows. And lastly, we're going to get into, there's a store in Wisconsin giving away free beer samples. Oh, my God. Let's get it on here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person?

You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Sedger. Just do me. You might want to think twice before seeking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams.

Hey, man, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and I've got to do a little shout out. I need some help. Maybe someone out there. can help me. I need tickets, okay? You'd think a guy like me with a hot, hot ass. Hello? Well, hello! You'd think a guy like me could get tickets to any concert he wants, but I can't find these tickets anywhere, so I need some help. If anybody out there listening has got good seats, and I mean like front row back to maybe the seventh or eighth row, because I want to be up close. Anyone has tickets for the Partridge family?

I got to see this group. I've been hearing so much about them. I hear the lead singer, this guy David Cassidy, good-looking rock and roller. His sidekick, the second lead singer, she's like a 49-year-old mother. I mean, that rocks. One of the guitar players is a little freckled-faced redhead.

He looks like he's 12. So, again, if anybody has to, tickets to the Partridge family. I got to get in on this. Because I like to rock, man. I like to rock hard. I like my Mega Death. I like my Iron Maiden.

I like my Zeppelin, my Hendricks, but I got to get in on this Partridge family. So have anyone out there has tickets, let me know, cut me a solid and hook a brother up, okay? Don't be a player, be a hater, or whatever that's saying is.

Here, on the Harlan Highway. I think I want me Okay And speaking of music, I understand we have on the line with us today From the UK, from London, England A very famous singer, songwriter, He was once in a group called Wham, and he's a solo artist, and I think you know him. George Michael is on the line, and I guess he's calling in.

I guess, you know, with the war in Afghanistan, the United States at war with Afghanistan for, who knows how long now, I guess George Michael wanted to weigh in and thought maybe he had some solutions. to the problems, to the turmoil. So let's, Roger, can we patch them in? Okay, here we go. We got George Michael from the UK. Call on into the Harland Highway Studio. Hello, George Michael.

Oh, hello, Alan. How are you today? We are great here in the old US of A. That's lovely, isn't it? Just lovely. Yes, it is. Now, George, I didn't realize you were, you know, had such an interest in world affairs, you know, turmoil, wars, politics, all that stuff.

Absolutely, Holland. If you notice, I haven't had any music on the air for a long time. And it's because I've got my head wrapped around politics. That's what I want to say, Holland. Would you mind if I put a little music on when we chit-chat? Um, no, not at all, I guess, in the background. Absolutely. Hang on a second, Holland.

Let me put some music on. Okay, there we go. Oh, uh, is that, um, what I think it is? Well, what you think it is, Holland? Um, is that you? Well, um, yeah, I guess it is then. If I listen, um, wait, let me listen. Yeah, that's me, that's me.

That's a careless whisper, right? Yes, it is, Holland. Oh, what was that? I would just go to a careless whisper. Okay, interesting. Okay, George, so let's cut to the chase, this whole Afghan thing. What do you make of it, the Afghan war? Well, I think it's bloody stupid, isn't it, Holland?

Well, a lot of people think it's stupid, but why specifically? Well, just the idea of, like, grown men, a whole society of people, and the Americans obsessed, Holland, bloody obsessed with the carpets. I'm sorry, what did you say? People in America, I'm talking about Minnesota, I'm talking about Florida, I'm talking about kids, people love their carpets. Okay, I'm not. I'm not sure I'm drawing the connection between carpets and...

Afghan carpets, Holland. I mean, it's obvious. Afghan carpets, people in America can't get enough of them. And so if they can't get them, what they do then? They go to Afghanistan. I'm sorry, what was that? I just said the name of the country. What was it?

Afghanistan. Okay, it's Afghanistan? That's what I said, Holland. said holland afghan okay you've got to just uh what's the problem no i just sometimes your words your accent is so thick i can't make out what i understand okay so people george i think you're confusing afghan rugs with the uh you know the afghani people and the war and the cause well i don't think i am holland i mean it's been going on for such a lot of long time, Holland.

Yeah, it has. Let me say it again, Holland. And let me do it in a careless whisper. It's been going on for such a long time. Okay, creepy. Okay, don't be, don't call me creepy, all right? Michael Ridgely used to do that all the time. My former bandmate from Whammy called me creepy.

Okay, well, that was creepy. the way you were whispering and you're saying such a long time or whatever you said. Such a long time. Okay, creepy. Look, I assume not to call me creepy. You want me a fucking put a lemon meringue pie in your face, you twat. Okay, don't get edgy with me, Michael. The name is George, and if you're going to call me creepy, I'll put a fucking lemon meringue pie right in your face, you dirty twat.

Okay, you've got to watch your language. We have younger listeners. yours. I'll put a fucking lemmairek butt at your fucking trot. Okay, I didn't make out any of that. How about I put a let me, Meret butt at your fucking drop in the Afghan war in the United States of America? Okay. I don't think we're getting anywhere. We got a guy here, Roger, who thinks the Afghan war is over Afghan rugs.

People don't have a... Well, that's what it is, Harlan, isn't it? If you can't face up to it, maybe that's what's wrong with the United States. You're in denial. right? And maybe all the lot of you, right? All you fucking Americans in the United America need a fucking lemon marang pie right up in your face, right in your

fucking gobho, Holland. Okay, you know what? I don't think... I think this is turning into abuse. Well, I'm sorry, but you phoned me. I didn't phone you. Well, no, you phoned us to talk about the Afghan war. Well, maybe I've changed from the Afghan war. and maybe I'd like to do a pastry war.

What the hell are you talking about? In other words, Harland, you stand there like a fucking African-American. Okay, we're not all African-Americans. We're Americans. Whatever. Okay? American, African-American. It's all the same fucking thing.

You all stand there just looking at me. Okay. And how about this? I throw a fottie lemon. orang tirating your twat, eh? How about that, Arlen? Okay, hang up on them. Don't worry, I'm going.

Fucking you and your Afghan rugs. What's going to happen when there's a shag war, eh? When you can't get enough shag carpet, or you can't get enough carpets for your toilet. You know, the little white ones when you get out the shower. You've got a little shower carpet. What happens then? World War fighting four?

We haven't even had World War III yet. Up yours, put a lemon. me meringue up your trot your pig okay what what the hell is wrong with that guy roger unbelievable george michael's got an attitude on him man god he phones the afghan wars over afghan rugs what a dillweed yeah good he's hung up idiot all right let's get rid of that let's move on i apologize for the wham guy george michael uh we won't be having him back on the podcast anytime soon trust me i got an email from this guy charles walker he was asking me why pillows are so expensive

you know every now and then we got to upgrade our pillows for our bed we need new pillows we like them big we like them soft and you can get a cheesy old pillow you know filled with foam for pretty cheap you could probably get a pillow for like 10 11 dollars that well but you want one of the fancy soft pillows with the duck feathers in it and the giraffe hair and the koala fuzz and the big foot fibers now you're You know what I'm talking about. They're really fancy pillows. They're like $300, man.

And yes, they are softer, and yes, they are fancier. But who wants to shell out $300 for a pillow? So I decided to go all Martha Stewart on your asses today. Well, I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I looked down into the garbage can. We all got a little garbage can in the bathroom. And there's just piles, piles of crumpled up Kleenex. So for the last six months, I've just been saving the Kleenex.

People using my bathroom toss into the garbage. And I just stuffed an old pillowcase, sewed up the end of it, and I'll tell you, man, it's like goose down. I have never slept better here. Let me lay my head on it right now. Listen to just the... oh you hear that crinkling and that oh my head i see i got to take my head off because i'm i'm gonna fall asleep let me do it again listen to this listen oh oh that is soft and i'm saving paper stopping the global warming thing and more than anything else i'm sleeping better at

night and i saved a thousand dollars because all my pillows are now Kleenex filled It's Harland Williams. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Don't throw your back out. What? It is? Oh, yes, it is. It is me. Sorry, I fell asleep on my crinkly pillow there for a second. And, you know, you heard me mentioning, you know, filling the pillow full of all these different animal products. And it occurred to me that I'm, how do I put this? I think we are going to evolve into a different animal.

And when I say evolve, I'm just speaking in particular about a reptile. There's a certain reptile. And hear me out, because I think by the end of this, you will have to agree. Okay? I'm sure you all know of a reptile called the chameleon. All right? I think they live in Africa.

They live in Madagascar. And these things are slow-moving lizards, and they kind of put one foot in front of the other, and they walk around on tree branches, and they got a big sticky tongue, and they're looking for insects to eat. But where they really get me, and I think we're going down the chameleon road here, is their eyes. They have eyes that move separately.

Okay, the eye on the right side of the head could be looking up or down or sideways, and the eye on the left side of the head could be looking in a different direction, or it could just be still while the other eye is moving around. And I'm afraid, people, as you walk through the city streets and down the roads of this country and around the world probably, just take a look and you will see somebody walking down the street, if not everybody, walking down the crowded street, hustling and bustling, somehow miraculously staring down at the cellular device in their hand, their iPhone, or their Android, or their Blackberry, or whatever, they are literally walking, moving forward,

down a crowded sidewalk, across busy intersections. I've done it. You've done it. You're staring at your phone, yet somehow you're walking forward and not banging into people. And, you know, every now and then you look up, but for the most part, next time you're out, just watch. Watch how long people can keep their head down and walk.

somehow their peripheral vision is keeping them from colliding with others but you know as we get more and more obsessed with our phones and people spend more and more time looking down at them I think we're going to evolve chameleon eyes uh-huh I think we're going to evolve eyes that moves separately one's going to be looking down at your phone reading your emails the other one's going to be watching where you're going walking down the street

it'll be like oh my god i just got a nice text from cindy and there's a hot dog stand up ahead oh my god double the pleasure yeah it's kind of creepy man i mean it's really gonna throw people off when they go on that first date hey carroll let me just stare into your eyes okay which one no i'd like to stare into both your eyes they're so beautiful Well, I can't do that. I mean, you can pick one because the other one I'm reading a novel on my Kindle. Okay, the right one? Okay, excellent.

I mean, it's just going to, it's getting creepy, man. But that's who we're becoming. One eye on life. One eye on a device. Hi, this is Harlan. Williams with another helpful tip from me here on the Harland Highway. Ladies, thinking of getting breast implants but can't afford the surgery, here's what you do. For a mere $6, go to Home Depot and buy three bags of Miracle Grow plant soil.

Spread it evenly on your mattress at about seven inches deep. At night, lay in the plant soil. your stomach, making sure your breasts are fully exposed to the rich nutrients in the soil. I'm sure you'll be very pleased with what you see just after seven weeks of this process. Happy breasts, ladies. Just another friendly tip from me. Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Mm-hmm.

And speaking of things popping, how about this first? for a popping adventure in my life. Okay, I was traveling. And I come home, and I'm walking up to my door. I have a door that leads to my yard, which leads up to my house. And from under the door, as I approach, I see, like, pretty much a small creek running from under my door. I'm thinking, ooh, I better get my fishing rod. I bet there's some little speckled trout in this here river.

I went, wait a minute, there ain't supposed to be no river coming out from under my door to my house. I'm like, oh, God. So I opened the door and, lo! I don't know if many of you have been to Old Faithful before. You know, that giant geyser that shoots up in the sky? Have you been to that thing at Yellowstone Park? Every, like, hour and a half, this thing just, there she blows. it blows up and I've been to the thing it's pretty cool but here's what happened I walk into my yard

and remember this is just after getting off a plane and flying and I'm coming home so I don't know how long this has been going on there's a 30 foot spout of water spraying up into the air right there in my yard right beside my wall of my house and right away I'm like oh my God I got to get my camera it's old faithful oh my god it's old yeller well no it's not old yellow if it was old yeller that would be a golden retriever floating up in my yard 30 feet in the air that's that's not going to happen yet but um this water is just shooting out of the ground violently it's just like it's like Niagara Falls but going upwards and I'm like great just got home from a business trip I got half an hour to get my affairs in order,

and then I got to whisk off to a meeting. And somewhere in between, I got to figure out a way to stop, like, the, you know, the flaming oil wells in the fields of Iraq in my backyard, right? So first of all, I go, okay, now, let's assess the situation. What could this be? So obviously, it's water. it's coming from under the ground it's next to my house

a water pipe is broken okay easy I'm smart so far and then I go okay well what do I need to do to stop the flow of the water I have to turn the water off so I go to the water taps that

service my yard in my house there's two separate valves so I turn those squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak get them closed water's still shooting up i'm expecting tourists to start standing around you know japanese tourists with their video cameras and american tourists and people from all over the world coming to see old faithful in my

backyard and i'm like okay the inside uh turning off the inside tap was probably stupid okay i'm standing outside why would i need to turn off the inside water dumb i'm like okay but why isn't the outside and then I realize okay the outside water is not going off because this pipe is going from my driveway up to the house so therefore I have to turn the main water line off so now I go trucking down to the driveway and I pull the grate up out of the driveway one of those big metal grates there's the lever there it goes I stopped it Old Yeller stops, or not old Yeller, old faithful stops, right? So I call a guy that I know that does, you know, some general handyman work, and he comes running up the next day, digs it up, you know, I guess we got to do an autopsy on the pipe, digs it up, and it was quite an incredible sighted. It tells you about the force of nature, okay?

This is an old copper pipe, pretty thick, and I don't know if you, you've ever grabbed hold of a copper pipe, but it's not like a Coke can or, uh, you know, aluminum or anything. Like, you cannot bend this stuff. You cannot just grab a copper pipe in your hands and bend it. It is solid. I mean, those things last forever. So what happened is the pipe was growing underground and over the years, underneath the pipe, a tree root from the tree that was not more than about two and a half feet from the pipe, the broken pipe, a tree root slowly but surely just started growing up, up, up underneath the pipe until it couldn't take the pressure anymore.

And there it goes. And, you know, even though it was annoying, it was kind of neat to see, man. And then that pipe was just, once they cut it out and handed it to me, you can see the bend in it. You can see the split in it, and it must have been a really slow process, because think how slow a tree root must grow, man. And it just slowly, slowly, it was just a one of these decades. I'm going to break that pipe. Oh, if we start now in 1703, I think by, you know, the mid-2000s,

I could snap that copper pipe. And the tree must have been in ecstasy, I mean, It won. It finally did it, right? It popped the pipe. But an interesting process, and that was it. That was my exciting story. Maybe not exciting to you,

but it's never fun when you come home from a journey and something is a miss, something is broken, something is going berserk at your house. And you go into scramble mode, and luck you is able to get a guy. It's all fixed now. No, I'm not going to. drown no i'm not going canoeing no i'm not going fishing no there are no tourists in my yard everything's

just back to normal well as normal as things could be right here on the harland highway um so there you go that's my outdoor adventure and uh maybe you have one too 888 500 2090 have you had a surprise in your home when you've come home Call us and tell us about it. 888, 500, 2090. Attention shoppers. We have Heineken and Isle 3. Heineken and Isle 3.

We've got Bud Light and aisle 5. We've got Corona in frozen vegetables. And we have Moosehead in the meat section. Grocery stores in Wisconsin are now allowing free beer samples. You want to see the ratio change from housewives and wives and mothers doing the weekly shopping and watch it jump up about 300% to now the men want to do the shopping. Oh, honey, let me go do the shopping this week.

Come on, let me go. What do you need? Give me the shopping with butter and broccoli and cereal and baby food. Yeah, I can get it. Let me go. I want to go. You sit down, relax, watch TV. No, I want to go. And all the dudes go off to the grocery store. At every aisle, they go up and down. They're getting drunker and drunker. For the time they get to the checkout. Good afternoon, sir. Hey, how's it going, baby? I honk. Would you like paper or

plastic? Give me paper. I need something to hide my booze in. You know how many shopping cart accidents we'll have in the grocery store? You know you're going to walk past like the cold cut bin, and some guy's going to be sleeping in there, cooling off, handing out booze at the grocery store. What's next? You know guys are going to just fill the shopping cart, walk up to the old checkout, hammered after they've drank about 39 glasses of frosty stuff.

You know, they'll get up there and go, oh, whoops a day. You know what? I forgot my credit card and my wallet. So, you know what? I'll just come back, what, in a couple hours and I'll shop all over again. You're still going to have the free beer out, right? I don't know, Wisconsin.

You better go back to making cheese, man. You're going to get a lot of people churned if you don't. Harland Williams. Yes. Oh. Would be fun. Fun, would be fun. And speaking of fun, don't forget, you can catch me live,

and there actually is drinking in the showroom. You can have a beer and watch me live. It'll be like shopping for Harland in Seattle, Washington at the parlor. Check it out. And go to Harlan Williams.com to get all the dates. And go to the website, the parlor. in Seattle, Washington, coming up, and I will be there live. Don't forget to check out Harlan Williams.com for our store, our online shopping center for fun gifts that make you laugh.

And don't forget, you can write me at Harlan Williams.com. If you have something to say, might make it into the listener mailbag segment, which is coming up soon. and you can always call me at 888, 52090. Also, don't forget to check out the little animation project on the YouTube page. The address is YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. The cartoon is called the cock, the ass, and the pussy, and it is about a rooster. a donkey and a cat get it the cat cocked the ass and the pussy there you go i must have been drinking i'm

mixing up my words now but uh you're not mixed up you were all you see i can't talk you're not mixed up you were at the right place you're on the harlid highway we're at the end of the show though so we'll have to catch you next time i better get the grocery store man and chill out i'll pick up a whole bunch of free beer and probably, yeah, you guessed it, a big bowl of chicken chau-may, maybe. And how about this, I throw a fottie lemon meringue tirating your twat, eh? How about that, Arland?