The Harland Highway - PODCAST 311

Episode Date: August 24, 2011

Thick eye glasses, running not driving, the Goober Goblin, PMSing, I saw a nude guy, a special visitor comes to the studio, sex sensors. Fire up my staircase!!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No, mother, you can't make me kill her. All right, Psycho 2 quotes as we start. What the hell is that all about? As if we don't have enough to talk about. I mean, we have incredible topics to go over. Like thick eyeglasses? Very important. running people running instead of driving um has any of uh my listeners out there heard of the goober

goblin yeah i'm sure you have i'm sure you've seen the gober goblin and if you haven't i'm going to illuminate you and uh you will get a uh firsthand talking to about the goober goblin uh we have a guest dropping by the studio today um i won't tell you who it is but let me just say annoying PMS. Yeah, we got to talk about it. Not only the ladies, but we got to talk about what if the men had PMS?

Oh, boy. I'm going to tell you about a sighting I had, a nude sighting that I had. And we're going to talk about sex sensors. Yeah, that's right. Nudity, sex. All here on. the Harlan Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine There's an element of uncontrolled chaos The Harland Highway Serving everyone from presidents and kings To the scum of the earth What a treat

Oh wait Was you need great big fat person You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway You need many years of therapy Hey, Harlan, it's Stephanie from Bedford. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me.

You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. Heyo! Heyo! You are listening to the Harlan Highway, and today we are going to talk about... Hang on. Hang on, there's someone at my door. Come in. Come in.

Hi. Oh, God. What's the matter? What are you doing here again, Jackson? I just came by for a visit. Okay, everybody, Michael Jackson. Why do you always come to my studio? There's a million radio stations.

Because it's special. Don't start with the special thing. Is that all you can say? No, but I really think your radio studio is special. Oh, God. It's just creepy the way you say it. Why do you always use that word? You should use it.

No, I'm not going to use it. I don't want to say that word. What word? Special. You just said it. Look, you always come in here and try and trick me into saying special. I ain't doing it. You just said it again.

I said it because I needed to use it in a sentence. Look, can't you just talk about anything normal? Like, what, what'd you have for lunch? Went to McDonald's. Okay, great. I had, um, large fries. Yeah. And a Coca-Cola?

Yeah. And a Big Mac. There, see, you got through a little normal conversation. What's that stuff they put on the Big Mac? What pickles? No, the sauce they put on there. The sauce? Yeah, what's that sauce they put on McDonald's Big Mac?

What, the special sauce? Yeah, this is special. Oh, come on, man. You set me up, Jackson. Special. Stop. Get out of here. Go out the special exit.

Special. Get out of here. Oh, keep that freak out of here. Go do a moonwalk into some subway tracks. Well, that would be special. Get out of here. It's Harlan Williams here on the Sp- On the Harland Highway

You were going to say special highway Out Welcome to the Harlan Highway Oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Cortair Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Carter Mr. Cortair Um, yeah, I think I came up With an invention

Oh my God, I'm so excited Um, how many of you out there at your apartments or your condos or your homes, your little house that's on the prairie. Charles, oh, Nelson, Riley. Why do I do that? It's like some people have anxiety fits, some people have panic attacks.

I have Charles Nelson Riley attacks. all right i'm a little off um i'm asking uh if you live in some kind of an abode an abode hey man where do you live in an abode how many floors i don't know how many floors is in abode i don't know it's just in abode um you live in a boat no man i said an abode It sounds like you're saying a boat, dude. No, I'm not thing a boat. I'm saying a boat. All right, simmer down, dude.

If you live in a joint in a place in an abode, you may have those floodlight things that at night, when you walk by them, everything's dark and mysterious and Jack the Ripperish. And then all of a sudden you walk by, It's like you walked out onto the stage on Broadway. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Harland Williams. Right?

It's like you go from complete blackness to like some guy up on your roof showing a spotlight on you. And you're like, idle vice, idle vice, right? But that's not the invention. The invention part is, A, I think those things are pretty cool. They're motion-sensitive light sensors. Say that 12 times to an old person in a sponge bath. But what I was thinking is I love the way they just kind of go off. They know when to go off, and they perform a function.

They bring you from darkness to light. And I thought, what if that was an invention we could, like, screw into the back of humans' heads. And it was an invention for when it was Let's Do It Time. You know what I mean? Private time, bedroom time, sexy time. Yeah, it's a nice. I like it the sexy time. So what I'm saying is any time that like, you know, a girl or a guy wanted to do it,

like there was like an automatic sensor something sensed it is like it goes on and you know maybe some shard a starts to play from out of nowhere you know maybe there's a speaker in our lower back you meet someone you're like hey what's up baby and then all sudden a switch goes off and there's sharday playing and you know it's on it's like okay it's um uh sex time don't know how to say it anymore buttly it's

physical attractions sexual activity time um so I don't know I'm not a designer I'm not an engineer I can't create these things but this is for someone out there listening

from Silicon Valley or uh from you know UCLA or some sophisticated college campus. Maybe the guy's at Google. I want you to create the sex-sensitive sex sensor. Yeah.

And just make sure you call Charday and make sure you can get the right to her sexy voice. Hey, everybody, this is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. And are you tired of your neighbors throwing loud parties, making noise, keeping you up at night, screaming and yelling and splashing in their backyard swimming pool? Well, now there's a solution. Simply surround your neighbor's house with big kegs of gunpowder and TNT. Light the fuse, sit back, and watch the fireworks.

Blow their noisy ass house right to Kingdom Kong. Leave a big black scorch mark and a deep crater in its place. Your neighbors are bound to be quiet for the next two, three years, while they rebuild. Just another friendly tip for me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. And here's another tip. Can I ask people out there not to purchase or wear or put on their face? Really big, thick, dark, wide sunglasses. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Have you seen the old guy walking around or the old lady? She's got the really big square like sunglasses and they're dark and they have the little panels on the stems so that it almost looks like a welding, welding glasses. And then they've got this sun visor on and I don't know, man. I just get the feeling like those people are spies or that they're aliens or they're hiding their eyes for some reason. or that they've got like x-ray eyes, and if I look at them the wrong way, they're going to be like, you know, I'm going to blow up. You know the people I'm talking about with the big, dark, black glasses? It's like they just came from welding a submarine together or the hull of the Titanic, right?

and you don't know where they're looking and you get the feeling that behind their glasses every time they blink their eyes are taking a picture because Russians have inserted little mini cameras into their irises or something am I being overly suspicious here am I getting carried away I don't know

there's something that weirds me out and I don't know if they're prescription or they're for the sun or people just kind of lose their sense of style because mostly you see it on older people but not always and it's just a little disconcerting it's a little offsetting I get freaked out by these big giant glasses so that's I don't know what I'm saying it's like I'm ordering people not to

wear eyewear that they want to wear. Okay, let's call a spade a spade. I'm ordering all the citizens of planet Earth. This is an order from Harland Williams. You are forbidden to wear big, dark, extra wide-rimmed eyewear. There, I said it, I feel good about it, and now we can go forth in peace. No more spies, no more x-ray. eyes no more arc welding just gonna keep on trucking down the highway oh my god do we have some runners in the

house i can't run i've tried it the only time i need to be out running is if there's a grizzly bear chasing my ass okay honest to god people why why do people why do people run. Go out and jog. Running down the sidewalk, tearing up the cartilage in their knees. Just getting all out of breath. You're running down the road, breathing in all the car exhaust. I mean, let's go, people, huh? We've got cars. We've got buses. We've got air. There's no need to run anywhere. Exercise my ass. I just don't get the whole running thing, man. You're all out of breath. your ribs hurt. Anyone who willingly comes home from a hard day of work and runs is insane.

I mean, at least have an objective, you know, at least run to a Baskin-Robbins or something so you can reward yourself with a nice dairy treat for all the hard exertion you put on your body. Oh, man. Oh, I'm so tired. I just ran like 10 miles. I can barely breathe What can I get you, sir Give me a double

A scoop of mint chocolate chip And a raspberry milkshake Yes sir Yeah that's running right there Or better yet Just jump in your car and drive Okay You want to know something that

Really scares me Something that really makes my stomach turn. Something that makes me want to be sick. Something makes me want to run for the hill screaming. I can barely talk about it. It freaks me out. It's the... It's the...

It's the... It's the gunky white blob that appears on people's lips when they're talking. Oh! It drives me nuts, man. I don't know if you watch the news, but, you know, the cable news is covered with talking heads, okay? Usually, you know, pretty good close-ups of people, you know, from the chest bone up.

So you're getting a good look at their faces a lot of the time, right? And just rule of thumb. This is like a mandatory requirement now I'm issuing for all talking heads on news channels. You must have a bottle of water or countrytime lemonade or some vit-of-water or a douche for your mouth, something. I am horrified by these people on the news who start talking, and I guess their mouths get dry. And this little white thing appears on their lips. It looks like, you know, it's about the size of like a large breadcrumb, right? and all of a sudden you see it, it just like, it just pops onto their lip and you're like, oh, wait, what's that?

And then they close their lips to talk and it kind of disappears, like their top lip might pick it up, and then it might move it down the lip a bit, and then it pops back down to the lower lip. And then inevitably what happens as they keep talking, as their mouths get drier and gooeyer and pastier, this little white blob starts to get a little bigger, and then what it starts to do, instead of moving, it starts to stick. So in other words, let's picture the white blob on the bottom lip, and then the top lip comes down, hits the blob,

and instead of transferring it to the top lip, it kind of sticks to it, and when they open their mouth, you get that stringy, like, spider web of white blob trailing up to the top lip Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item Plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a private. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy. or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

So now it's just like stretching. Oh, and you can't. can't stop looking at it. It just, it just fixates there, and it's just, oh, it's so creepy. You know who gets it a lot? I don't know if you watch TV, but if you watch the O'Reilly Factor, okay? Every now and then, maybe once a week he has Dennis Miller on, okay? The comedian Dennis Miller from S&L, and Dennis Miller gets it a lot. You know how he goes on those long, rambling rampages, those verbal, you know, rampage, and he gets the little white gummy bear stuck on his lip

and it starts hanging around and it's jumping onto his teeth. It's like a little, uh, little, uh, the goober goblin. I'm a goober goblin. I'm going to jump around on your lips and your teeth. Ugh. Ugh. So, uh, you know, if you're listening, people out there in the media, people on TV, uh, get some moisture on your mouth, man.

like suck a sponge or you know gargle a watermelon shove your face in a fountain if there's a bidet around kneel down just kneel down over the bidet and pretend your face is your ass just rinse it man bidet your dry mouth and get rid of the goober goblin so there you go that's my that's my gripe for today

god i hope you never have to see it, but it is spooky. Everybody run for the hills. It's the Guber Goblin. Run! Ah! It's the Goober Goblin! Hide the children!

It's the Goober Goblin. Run! Run for the hills! Ireland. Ireland. Arland, why do you say chicken chalmaine, Arland? Why the chicken? Why not broccoli beef?

What's wrong with broccoli? Say it. Broccoli, say it, broccoli. Beas. Broccoli. I hope you're happy. Don't say I don't take requests from my listeners. Probably the last one I'll ever do. Don't forget, you can call too and leave your important message right here at 888, 500, 2090. Okay, it's that time of month. I'm not talking about getting your taxes done. I'm talking about P.

M.S. Yeah. You know that time a month where the ladies go through the cramps and the psychological changes and the mood swings. PMS, by the way, stands for please make it stop. At least that's what I think it should mean. You can just be sitting there having a picnic, drinking a glass of wine,

and in the next second they're giving you crap because the sky's not blue enough. Hey, baby, this is a great picnic, right? Oh, I love it. What a beautiful day. Oh, you want another glass of wine, baby? Yeah, I love another glass of wine. And why the hell ain't the sky bluer?

What the hell kind of picnic is this? It's like walking through a minefield when the old PMS hits, doesn't it? I understand it's biological. You got to go through it, but holy. jumping. You just never know what's going to come fire and I can blow you up, man. They should make bulletproof vests. PMS wear, man. Guys should be able to wear some kind of industrial or protective clothing or headgear or something. Put some horse blinders on us. Just...

Yes, honey. No, honey. Yes, honey. I'm walking straight, honey. I won't say anything wrong. I won't even look at you the wrong way. I know you're PMSing. Please make it stop. What do you call it? uh PMS you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway good thing men don't have it holy god imagine they both went off at once women had PMS and men have SBS super bowl syndrome oh yeah that would be uh god that would be uh like two uh trains heading at each other down the same track right just two locomotives Just

Caboom! Because men can get moody, too. Don't think we don't, ladies listening. You know, it's not a regular thing like, you know, a biological PMS thing, but men can have their moments. Men can get cranky and snappy and on edge. So imagine if men had that same kind of predictable,

monthly moment that women do and man you'd have to like you'd have to plan for that just like when you know how you plan the soccer moms and dads plan whose turn it is to like take the kids to the soccer game you'd have to sit down with your caler and go okay let's see i'm PMSing on the 18th john and uh i'm PMSing on the 29th okay so um that month is good. Let's look at the next one. Okay, I'm on the seventh. Uh-oh, I'm on the seventh. Okay, whose turn is it to stay at the holiday inn? Um, I think it's mine. You went last time. Okay, well, we cleared that up. We're all ready. Um, should we line the, uh, the walls of the house with foam just in case things get thrown? Yeah, let's do that. And let's, uh, let's, uh,

retrofit the house will earthquake proof it and um why don't we ask the city to put a uh giant glass bulletproof dome over our house just so others don't get heard yeah man so as much as uh women and men may not like pms let's just look for the silver lining and uh have sweet mercy that there uh There isn't two of them going off in each gender. Because who knows where that would lead. Good night, Nelly Frittato. Hello. Hey, Holland, this is Jesse, the body of Ventura.

And I'm calling you to tell you that next time I see you, I'm going to have to snap your spine. I've been listening to your show, Pally, and it's not making any sense. It really isn't. you're driving me that shit crazy pali and uh i'm gonna have to pick you out they'll they'll never find your body of course so they'll think you you've gone on one of your your hallucinations uh a trip around uh the block or something because uh that's where you are you're a trip around the block but anyways paly uh i'm gonna see you what your spine that's what i'm gonna tell you

Okay, wow. Well, hey, if somebody has to rip my spine out and snap it or whatever, it might as well be Jesse Van Tura. I'm buried in there deeper than an Alabama tit. Well, there you go, Jesse Van Tura, calling into the Harlan Highway. Keep those calls coming. 888-52090. Hello. Hey, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip. Are you tired of your shoes and your boots wearing out? Then you have to go to the shoe store and buy costly new footwear. Well, here's an idea.

Leave your shoes in the closet and walk around with bare feet. Yes, now that the warm weather's coming, you can go to the more. mall and go for nice long walks with nothing on your feet at all by doing this you cut down on the wear and tear on your expensive footwear barefoot day and night just another helpful tip from me harland williams here on the efficient harland highway uh yes oh natural uh i have to tell you a story I was up in San Francisco recently, and this was crazy, okay? I don't know if it's legal or if it's not legal, but I was out with a friend on the street. We were down by the wharf area, which is a high tourist destination area.

And lo and behold, walking, strolling, very casually, amongst the throngs of people. And I'm talking about, you know, this was like kind of shoulder-to-shoulder foot traffic. It's a very busy touristy area. And I look across the street and I say to my friend, I go, look at that guy over there. He's completely naked.

And sure enough, just kind of strolling through the crowd, as casual as could be, was a full-grown man completely in the, the buff, in the raw, in the naked, and, you know, I have to say the guy looked good. He had a great physique, a great body. He didn't look like he had an ounce of fat on him. He had a nice tan. He was tall.

He was lean. For all intents of purposes, he was a very attractive physical specimen. And not in any sexual sense, just in terms of as far as a human body goes. It's in good shape and toned and and looked good and healthy. This guy had it all going on. And the only lick of apparel that he had on, on his head he had like some kind of toque, like woolly, looked like a ski hat or something. And then around his, shall we say, package, he had appeared and you couldn't miss it

because it was all hanging out there. I can tell you right now, he wasn't circumcised. And you can't help but see it all, because there it is. It's not like your eyes are wandering, looking, and just, there's a nude guy. And he had like, it looked like, I couldn't tell what the material was, but he had some kind of a ring, a metal ring, or a plastic ring or something, encircling his testicles and his penis and kind of squishing them together.

Not super tight, but just, you know, for some reason that was there. That was the accent. Don't know why. I don't know what it represented. Don't know if it was kinky or sexy or it was, you know, the same way someone would wear a bracelet or an anklet or a ring or a necklace.

it just seemed to be some kind of dressing around his dingling okay and here's this guy strolling along he's in amongst there's a lot of families there young kids

you know tourists from all over the world and this guy's he's just walking slow like just kind of you ever see someone saunter this guy was sauntering he was in no rush he was just kind of doop de do

Look at me, look at my nudity, I've got a ring around my nutsack. La da da da, da. Okay? And it wasn't the warmest weather. San Fran gets kind of fogged in, and for the middle of summer it was like low 60s. So I can't say this guy was probably very comfortable with the climate. And what happens is this. when you first see it, you're shocked.

You're like, oh, my God, that guy's naked. Oh, my, what the hell's going on? Somebody called the Palae, and then you're like, wait a minute. Oh, yeah, it's a human being. Everything I'm seeing over there, I have. Skin, boobs, ass, penis, balls, feet, arms, legs. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm the exact same as him.

he's just naked and I'm not so what's everyone getting excited about and that's the thing that happens when you initially see something like that the first 30 seconds you're like and then you just kind of you're like oh well whatever guy naked and that's what I thought was cool about it it didn't freak me out and I think there's some kind of law on the books don't quote me but I think there's a law on the books where as long as you're not being indecent or sexual or being a purve or anything, I think in some states, maybe the whole country, I don't know, someone would have to look it up. I think you're allowed legally to walk around naked, as long as you're just minding your own business and not being obscene. And so here was this nude guy in amongst the people and quite a startling sight.

In fact, I better be honest and tell you I'm sitting here doing the podcast naked right now. He inspired me. Yep, sitting here right now, nude, got a ski hat on, got a ring around my rosy. Hello? No, I don't. I'm not naked. Under my clothes, I'm naked. I'm betting you are too.

But, you know, when I look back at it, when I get over the initial shock, I'm like, you know what, not so bad. Here we live in a country that's the, you know, the representation, the agent of freedom. And of course, why wouldn't you see someone being free, being naked here in America? I'm surprised there's not more people. But before we go down that street, we might also have to add, you know, maybe you don't want to see most people naked. Again, this guy was a beautiful physical specimen, right? Like, this is the type of guy that could be on the cover of a men's fitness magazine. He wasn't ripped like a bodybuilder.

He was just, you know, in shape. And I guess you don't want to open the... can of worms where you've got people that aren't in shape, people with bad postures, people with skin conditions, people with varicose veins, people with giant moles, people with saggy bellies and bottoms and boobies. So you've got to be careful. But nonetheless, thought it was interesting, thought I would share because he certainly shared. And I wish I could share more. but I've got to go for a naked walk, and we are out of time. I'm so sad to say, yes, we've come to the end of our naked stroll here on the Harlan Highway.

So don't forget, check out Harlan Williams.com. You can write to me there, or you can call at 888, 52090. Tell me if you've ever walked around naked in public. And that's it. Don't forget you can check me out yours truly. Check me out this weekend in Seattle, Washington, at the Parlor Live Comedy Club. I'll be there Thursday the 25th through Saturday the 27th. It's going to be great.

Maybe we'll see you there. But until then, keep getting nude and chicken. Chalmaine, baby! Hey, Harlan, this is Jesse, the body. And I'm calling you to tell you that next time I see you, I'm going to have to snap your spine. I've been listening to your show, Pally, and it's not making any sense.