The Harland Highway - PODCAST 313

Episode Date: August 29, 2011

Too old for dolls, Summer letters, mouth to mouth, Hurricane Irene, microphones, lunch with God. Slap my sandwich up!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. Um, no, we don't go around the mulberry bush. We go down the Harland Highway. Welcome everybody to the podcast, the Harland Highway. I am your host, or hostess, however you like to see me. Harlan Williams, welcome, welcome, everybody. Oh, oh, welcome. Oh, oh, oh, no.

No, you don't. Don't start with the Charles Nelson Riley garbage. But let's get into what we're going to be talking about today. The hurricane, right? I'm a little annoyed at the news coverage. I'm going to be getting into that at the end of the show. Have you ever had lunch with God or Jesus? Hmm. That's something we're going to get into.

Jeff, kids, are they still playing with dolls? Are they maybe getting a bit too old for the dolls? I might want to look into that because I know we are. Mouth to mouth. You ever had to perform mouth to mouth regurgitation or resuscitation or whatever it is? Yeah, I've done it. Not a pretty story. And an even more unprety story.

We have Samuel E. Quoak coming in today to read some summer romance letters. God. I think we're going to talking about microphones, which is what I'm talking into right now on the Harlan Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you?

Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos. The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh wait. Was you a great good back person?

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy. Hey Harlan. It's Stephanie. I'm bad for us. Just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Okay, chalk one up on my embarrassed list.

You ever have to give anyone mouth to mouth? Yeah, I took a first aid course here and there. I'm certified. I this was idiotic and I take the blame for this I gave someone mouth to mouth the other day I saw them lay in there and I dive on them and I'm puffing away and people are like no no and I'm like shut up I'm trying to save this guy get back away move back and I do the thing where I pinch the nose and I breathe in and I turn my head I listen with my ear for three beats So then I turn back, breathe in, turn, listen first, see if this person's breathing.

And I'm going at this for about 25 minutes, and people are yelling at me and giving me a hard time. And finally I give up. I'm like, I stand up. I go, people, I cannot save this human being, okay? I tried. I'm certified. I have my St. John's ambulance certificate. this person is not going to live and that's when a bunch of people there said yeah because we're at a funeral dumbass and that's the body now can you get the hell out of the way so we can get on with the service

it's the harland highway you got any breath mints because my mouth is feeling a little frankensteinish right now what we've got here is to communicate. Yeah, and it gets worse. It happened to me again. I'm at the beach this summer, and, you know, this kid's flopping around in the water, and I'm looking around. I'm like, wait, where the hell is this kid's parents?

It was a little chubby kid, probably about 14, right? And I could see the kid struggling, and he's jumping around in the surf, and then suddenly he goes underwater, and I'm like, oh my god and i'm looking for parents anybody no one seems to know and the kid pops up and he's like oh oh he's gasping and spewing water and i'm like oh my god so i stand up and he goes under again and all of a sudden he disappears and i'm like holy god and next thing i know the waves wash the kid up the kid washes onto the beach like a bundle of seaweed

And I'm like, I'm not looking for the parents anymore. This kid's out. This kid's, as far as I'm concerned, this kid's dead. And I go running over there as fast as I can. There's sand flying in my eyes and seawater, and I'm just, I just dive on this kid. And I clear all the crap away from them, and I just start breathing. I'm like, whew, three, four, blow, two, three, four. And I'm, like, doing it all over again.

Here I am, Mr. Save Someone's Life, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. And now people are starting to gather around, and they're like, hey, come on, stop it. I'm like, oh, you stop it. I'm trying to help. This little chubby kid's dead. And I'm blowing away, blowing away, and all of a sudden I give up after 15 minutes. and all the people are like, what the hell's the matter with you, man?

I'm like, I'm trying to save a life, that's what? And they go, yeah, well, maybe you might want to try blowing into his mouth. I'm like, excuse me? Take a look, guy, and I look. I've been blowing into the kid's bun hole. God! I spent 15 minutes blowing air into a chubby kid's bun hole. And yeah, he's alive.

I don't know how it worked, but I saved his ass, literally. Oh, God, anybody got a bottle of listerine, some scope and some carcinogenic acid? Please. Anybody? What we've got here is failure to communicate. Yeah, that's right. I said carcinogenic acid. I'll make up my own terms and words.

If I have to save kids' lives by those unorthodox methods, I think I have the right to make up unorthodox words, don't I? Good night, Nelly Frittato. Oh, God. So what else is going on here? Let's get into, I saw a girl the other day, okay? in a public setting, you know, and it was a girl, and she was carrying a little doll, okay? It wasn't that little, actually.

It was, you know, like your standard, like, doll with the blonde hair and the big tails and the little outfit. It wasn't like a small little Barbie doll. It was one of those, like, dolls with the girth. You hold them in your arms. And you want to go, oh, cute, kid has a doll. She's prepping for when she's going to be a mommy, except. you know, pull back, zoom back, dolly back. And this girl, quote, unquote, looks like she's about 15.

Yeah, this girl was like way too old to be carrying a doll. Like she almost looked like, you know, she was a waitress at like a hooters or a receptionist at the airport or something. I'm like, wait a minute, what's going on here? This kid's like way too old for that doll. And she was with her family and a bunch of brothers and sisters. And I was like, isn't anybody saying anything to this kid? Hasn't anyone told this kid the doll years or about six years behind her? It was just awkward, you know?

It's like it looked like a full-grown woman almost cuddling a doll. It was like wrong, war. morning, something's not right. I mean, if there's parents listening or brothers and sisters, if your kids getting, or your brother, your sister, anyone you know is getting a little too old for a doll, please, tell them, cut them off. Let them know there's an age limit, man.

I mean, can you imagine if that girl someday grows up to be a judge or something, or, you know, have a position of prominence? Ah, Your Honor, I asked that we take a 15-minute recess. Oh, that would be perfect, because that would give me time to burp Prissy. I'm sorry, Your Honor. Prissy, here, look at her. Isn't she wonderful? Ah, Your Honor, that's a doll. What did you say?

Oh, that's a doll, Your Honor. how dare you bailiff arrest this man I mean come on statute of limitations people let the doll go unless it's Chuckie and then just you know Chuckie will let you go

Hi I'm Chuckie want to play Okay time for a provocative question If you had a choice to meet God or meet Jesus, which one would you pick? And some would argue that they're one and the same, because God is Jesus, Jesus is God, Jesus is the son of God. But assuming that they each have their own separate identity, okay, God being the all-knowing, all-seeing, and created Jesus, or Jesus, the son of God, you know, perform miracles. and gave his life for our sins. Now, a lot of people would go straight for the Jesus.

But I know what Jesus looked like. He was a mortal man. He was like you or me. He was flesh and blood. He had the beard. He had the sandals. He had the robe. I mean, you might even want to call him an old-time Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

Like, hey, God. Like, where's the pizza pie? And why haven't you created it yet, Zoix? Now, before anyone who's religious gets their tail in a tizzy, I'm not saying that Jesus Christ is shaggy from Scooby-Doo. I'm saying there's a few similarities, okay? But my question is, who would you rather meet? God or Jesus Christ? See, I would want to meet God because I don't know what God looks like.

Is God an entity? Is he a cloud? Is he a thing floating in space? Is he, I don't know. Maybe he looks like SpongeBob for all I know I mean, don't get me wrong Meeting Jesus would be fascinating

But I want to go right to the top I want to see what this God guy looks like Just a question for you people Who would you want to meet Over Starbucks Like I don't know But let's hope Starbucks is serving donuts

Harland Williams Ah, God. How are you there, God? I need to talk to you, God. This is Ringo. Yeah, I need some more guidance, God. Hello? God?

Oh, well. All right, God. Ringo, this is God. I have heard your call, Ringo, looking for guidance. What you need to do is, you need to go to the fall, Ringo, go to the mall, and wander around with the cup of frozen. cup of frozen yogurt in your hand. It is God will, Ringo. And you must crawl into the fountain in the ball and water around aimlessly in circles, Ringo, with a cup of rat, very swircle, nut, cranberry,

frozen yogurt in your hand and you must take your clothes off and wander from the fountain into Macy's and have the perfume ladies never squeezing the perfume samples spray your eyes when toxic General Lopez scents and oils, and then you will shawlift, shawlift till your heart's desire. If you have nothing to hide your stolen merchandise in, insert them into the orifice as I have created. Go to Weird Al Yankovitch's house and throw carrots in his hair. You haven't been commanded? There is your guidance, Ringo, or Rango, whatever I've called you. Godspeed, God bless, and I'm going to smoke another joint.

Like can I come to that? Oh, shaggy. Okay, well, we've had God speak. Hold on. What? Who's here, Roger? Oh, come on, not this guy. I know it's still summer, but nobody likes his romantic letters. They're creepy. Are you kidding me? Oh, boy. All right. Jeez. Just when I think we're not going to see a creepy guest again. Bingo.

So there's this guy that reads romantic letters, Samuel E. Quowke. And I guess he's here. We've got to let him in because it's still officially summer. So, this is going to get weird, but here we go. Hello, Samuel E. Quowke. Hello. Oh, God. Do you mind if I read my summer letters, please?

Yeah, I know your summer letters are all romantic and poetic and flowery. Exactly. Thank you for saying so. Well, no, I don't find them that. I find them borderline... Excuse me, may I get on with reading my romantic summer letters. Okay, you know what? Go ahead. Do it. And the sooner you do it, the sooner you get your arse out of here. Thank you.

Hurry out. I'm opening the letter. Dear Charlese, I'll never forget our summer on the boardwalk going to the carnival that was right by the sea, the sound of children giggling and laughing, the sound of the ocean waves crashing on the shore, Carnival barkers and Ferris wheels in the background, I'll never forget how we strolled amongst the people in their fine Sunday attire. Lafters and cries of glee as people thrilled to the joyrides of the fairest wheels and the merry-go-rounds, and I'll never forget as we stood there and the merry-go-round went round and round, and somehow

the brakeman lost control, and it started to spin faster and fast and fast. and a young child flew off of his horse and hit you right in the face like a cannonball your nose splattering open one of your eyes getting knocked all the way around the back of your head okay come on excuse me

that did not happen buddy my name is Samuel E. Qualk yeah I know what it is nobody started twirling on a ferris wheel so fast that the kid flew off and hit your girl on the face. Do you mind, please? Hey, everybody.

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Oh, God. Thank you very much. I remember I picked you up and you were not steady on your feet, Charlie, it's your frail hand in mind. Your complexion pale as much of the blood rushed from your head. I tried to grab you and assist you to a nearby bench, but you were rampant, you were wild, you weren't thinking straight, and you wobbled straight into the path of the tilter whirl. It smacked the back of your skull,

a chunk of your skull cap flying through the air, and landing in a boy's frozen yogurt and he ate it hungrily, not knowing the difference. Your brain oozing out the back of your... Come on! Excuse me! How romantic is this? Well, I don't know what circles you revolve in, sir, but to me this is quite romantic. Hurry up, sicko! Finally you stood up and... I carried me in your arms.

You carried me in your arms? I meant to say, I carried you in my arms. Thank you for the correction, fat face. What did you call me? Do you mind? I carried you in my arms, your white cotton dress, drizzled and splattered with your own blood and feces. Your fingernails,

curled up like grizzly bear teeth. and your... What are you laughing at, guy? I'm not laughing, I have summer allergies. Hurry up! Thank you. Your hair all frazzled and frizzled. And finally, yes, finally, we made it to the roller coaster,

the famous roller coaster with its 90-foot drop. And you, instead of getting on board, decided to climb out on the... the tracks, the roller coaster hitting you unexpectedly cleaving off your muscular legs, so quickly, so instantaneously that your legs kept running through the fairground for half an hour before policemen arrived and shot holes through them, taking them out at the ankles, your legs spasming on the ground as you stood there in your own pool of blood with your knobbly stumps and your relish-covered face from the nearby hut dog.

Okay, enough. Unbelievable. Idiot. I'm afraid, I'm sorry you don't have any romance in your life, sir. Well, if that's romance, somebody put a bear trap on my face. That actually sounds quite right. Don't even go there. You're done.

Get out of here. I'll never forget how one of the clowns from the carnival threw an axe through your spine. Get out! your entrails dangling off the side get out of here a pack of wild children started throwing baseballs at your head until they won a prize your lumpy bruised cheeks purple and orn get out good day to you fat face oh man roger never again samuel e qualk romantic unbelievable I have to apologize but I don't ruin your summer

I know there's people out there that probably was having a nice summer romance we get this jaguad never again let's get back to something a little healthier and let's try and finish out this summer with something sweet, nice and just funny

Roger, never again, or you're gone. Unbelievable. Mr. Williams, can we get a comment? Hello, Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams, can you give us a reply to the question? Yeah, I ever see one of those press conferences where all the reporters are yelling? It's just like a zoo.

It's like, like, like, like 90 billion questions coming at once. And the recipient of the questions is just standing there. Like, just like they don't know where to. a look. It's like watching a bingo machine with all the balls popping around. And there's that big bouquet of microphones. It's almost

akin to watching, you know, a bad porno movie. You've known the ones where there's, you know, one girl and a bunch of men clustered around. The imagery's not nice unless you're into that. But, man, that's just a

bouquet. I want to send that to someone at the hospital. Hello, Mr. Smith, your bouquet is here. What is it, azaleas, or sunflowers, or roses? No, Mr. Smith, it's a CNN, ABC, a CBS, a Channel 7, and a Fox News bouquet of microphones. Oh, God, let me smell them. Oh, they're wonderful. It smells like bad breath and spittle.

Yes, Mr. Smith, they're wonderful. Shall I put them in a vase for you? Yeah, put them in the vase for me. Okay, here we go. We pour in the water and we stick in the microphones and... Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Yeah, and speaking of the good old media,

I'm sure most of you got blasted by Hurricane Irene for the last four days. and I don't mean you even had to live in the hurricane zone. If you lived anywhere in America, you got blasted by Hurricane Irene. And when I say blasted, I mean the news channels. Second they got whiffed that this hurricane was going to motor towards the United States, they started in on a 24-7 friggin' play-by-play on the, the stupid-ass hurricane, man. You know, before there was cable TV, before everyone was so stupid.

You know, the hurricane probably got about two minutes on the news and on other news tonight. It looks like a strong hurricane is headed towards the coast. Citizens are warned to take precautions and batten down the hatches. and now on to Vietnam You know It's like Now it was like I tried to watch the news on the weekend

I tried to get a report on this A report on that You know there's usually like a bunch of stories That run in an hour The whole hour Hour after hour after hour Okay folks She's moving

She's on the move She's 200 feet wide Or 200 miles wide Whatever you know And they just build it up and build it up and build it up. And then, lo and behold, as soon as it gets to New York, it's a category one.

I mean, haven't we all kind of just made it through a category one? Isn't that just your average, like, everyday rainstorm is a category one? I mean, it's just a bunch of fear-mongering and hype and hullabaloo. And good Lord, it's just annoying. and don't get me wrong I'm all about warning people I'm all about preparing people but it's like I said

they used to do that in the old days that they accomplished it in about five minutes you know maybe you know every hour or three hours or what they used to do is they used to put you'd be watching your soap opera or your Twilight Zone or your friends or your

Seinfeld or whatever you watched and a little banner would go across the bottom of it. They'd interrupt your view and go, uh, warning, uh, regional, uh, hurricane, uh, type winds, uh, expected to hit landfall in, uh, 4.5 hours. Please be prepared. And that was it. It would scroll across and you'd still be watching your show. And now it's like even the, even the, uh, network TV, the NBC news. It's like special hour long broadcast tonight with Brian Williams, how many times can you tell people it's going to be windy and rainy? Huh?

How many times? That's like Brian Williams coming on TV. Go, good evening, I'm Brian Williams, and this is NBC News. Good evening, I'm Brian Williams, and this is NBC News. I'm not sure you got it. Good evening, I'm Brian Williams. I mean, are you getting my point here? Good Lord, it was aggravating.

And now I understand the storm caused some deaths, which I'm sad about. It's awful, you know, and a hurricane obviously is more powerful than just your standard storm. But, wow, just stop the phony hype. It's such a ridiculous, it makes you, you know, it makes me want to defy the odds makers. Like when I watch all that crap, it's like, you know what, if I live there, I would stay in my beach house. just to show them you know six days of constant you're going to die your house is going to be washed away you're going to be underwater everyone's going to die i would be like oh yeah i'll show you i'm staying here brian williams and bill o'reilly and greta van sustrin and whoever the hell

else is out there good lord it's just it's just such a knobby nubbly nub-nub-nob nightmare whatever that means oh so there you go there's my beef right at the end of the show i slammed one in there i slammed in a little beef i'm betting you're feeling the same too i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of you were feeling the same you know and how about you know what i think it is i think it's palm trees that that's what sets everyone off The very design of a palm trees is, you know, they're on the beach, they're in tropical areas. They're used to tropical winds picking up, which tropical winds often do, because you get a lot more seasonal rains in the tropics.

Sometimes it'll rain in one spot, and you can look like quarter of a mile over, and it's sunny. And you're like, how is it raining? I can see the sun and the blue sky. Well, that's because of the tropical ecosystem. It creates a lot of condensation in the air. and moisture and all the things that come together to cause rain. And then these palm trees, they're lightweights, man. You know, it takes very little breeze to get them waving and wiggling.

And they're very flexible. So it takes very little breeze to kind of get them to bend down and bend back. So you can get a 20-mile-an-hour wind. And if these guys at CNN film a palm tree blowing, like oh my god here it comes oh my god oh hurricane 12 look at the palm trees you know these things are going berserk their their fronds are like blowing in the wind it looks like a squid swimming backwards or an octopus just these long tentacles being pushed out into the breeze and the things bending and swaying but then if you if you pan away to the house in the background or the house but it's just sitting there

okay so if you want to convince me there's a powerful hurricane show me a house twirling through the air show me a a a Lamborghini at uh you know a thousand feet colliding with a moose you know it's kind of got to be like that scene from wizard of oz where everything's twirling around and old bang goes by riding a bike and totos twirling around eddiem don't show me like four palm trees bending over and then in the background there's like a 7-Eleven and people are still going in and out eating potato chips oh all right so there you go for all you people frustrated with the hurricane weather coverage i just i just let it all out for you okay so you owe me one um and if you want to pay me back here's what you do um

come to Cleveland, man. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, September 8th through the 11th at Hilarities Pickwick and Frawlick Comedy Club, September 8 through 11, hilarities. And, you know, I just looked at this. I just got weirded out.

Because, well, I guess I'm okay because I perform on September 11th, and I come home on the 12th. But I was looking at this. I was like, God, I don't want to be in the air on September 11th. God bless all the people that lost their lives. It's just a creepy day. Who wants to fly on September 11th?

That's almost morbid. It's just, ooh, it gives me a chill. But anyways, that's just me. But as I said, everybody, if you want to see me do stand-up life, it's a great comedy club. It's kind of like a comedy theater. And it's right there in the heart of downtown Cleveland. Beautiful club, good food, great comedy.

And that is September 8 through 11th. And don't forget, hit the Harlandwilms.com website. Check out the store. Leave us a message. You can write us at a little note. Or if you want to call and leave a message, we'll get some great phone messages from. people, some really funny ones and good ones.

That's 1, 888, 52090. 888, 52090. Thanks for all your calls and letters. And, gosh, summer's almost over, man. But we're not. We're going to keep on trucking right down the Harlan Highway. And until next time, my friends, chicken. Chow-May, baby.

At last report, Irene was about 600 miles south of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, moving toward the north northwest, at 14 miles an hour, with landfall expected in North Carolina on Saturday. We have a team of correspondence posted throughout the hurricane zone. David, what is the latest on the track and the intensity? Well, no change at all today, Scott. It might get a little bit stronger. It remains virtually unchanged, possibly near the Jersey Shore or the New York City area during the day on Sunday.

And your best estimate of what happens in the next 72 hours is what? Well, no change at all today, Scott. It might get a little bit stronger. It remains virtually unchanged, possibly. And your best estimate of what happens in the next 72 hours is what? Virtually unchanged.