The Harland Highway - PODCAST 315

Episode Date: September 2, 2011

Heavy groceries, Harland gets Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher, Migrane headache relief, and Dr. Ascot. Wibble my wobbly wingle woggles! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

sweet lord almighty yeah that's who listens to this show the sweet lord almighty so if he's listening don't you think you should be too hello oh oh charles nelson riley um why do i do that welcome everybody it's harland williams you are on the harland highway i hope you're doing good we're wherever you are, in your truck, in your cubicle, laying on the beach, up on the roof, swimming, wherever you are. We have a great show today. Did you ever get migraines? We're going to be talking about helping you through your migraines.

I've got a procedure that I think will help ease the pain. We're going to be talking about me getting punked. Ashton Coucher punked me, and I never released. The episode, I wouldn't let them air it. And a lot of you have been calling and writing and saying, well, what the hell happens? So here we go. Today I'm going to spill the beans on my punk episode that never played. Speaking of punk, this punk is here.

I've got to visit with Dr. Ascot. And do you ever go shopping and you buy big items and they're hard to get into your car? Well, this isn't hard. This is the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You fellas been doing a bit of booze and have you? Sucking back on Grandpa's old cough medicine. There's an element of uncontrolled chaos.

The Harland Highway. Serving everyone from presidents and kings to the scum of the earth. What a treat. Oh, wait. Was you a great big fat person? You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You need many years of therapy.

Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from me. That first, just do me. You might want to think twice before sticking your penis in there. Just do me. You're riding down the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams, and I know that at the end of the day, a long, hard day of working,

some of you get what we call a migraine headache, a painful migraine headache. A painful migraine headache. that numbs the senses and torment you as if you were being attacked by a swarm of bees. The utmost discomfort and pain and agony and it just lingers and won't go away. So to help you get through your migraine, please enjoy the next moment of me

playing my brand new drum set. Oh, that? Oh, that felt good. How's your migraine? Is it gone? Huh? No, not yet. All right, here's some more.

Oh, keep coming back. I'm going to beat the migraine right out of your head on the nice, soothing Harland Highway. Yeah! Bang, boom, bong. How annoying was that to start the podcast. And if you didn't have a migraine, you probably. probably do now. Sorry about that gang. So cruel and mean. A guy's banging drums. And do get headaches? Are you one of these people in life that get the headaches?

I've met people that just they get these migraine headaches and it lays them out, man. Like some of them last for days, right? I'm one of these guys. life i don't know why i'm pretty lucky i i rarely ever get headaches you know i mean there's always the headaches that come when you get sick like if you have the flu or you know SARS or something like that i mean headaches just uh that's part of the package right when you got the flu or a cold or whatever you can get a headache but even then i don't get headaches too bad but just in life the onset of a headache you know you could be just goofing around at work at play on a vacation and just all of a sudden is like oh god my head just starts pounding for no reason well i've been blessed

thank you sweet lord jesus um i have not been a headache guy i mean i probably in my whole life good lord out of the blue had a random headache maybe i don't know 10 times maybe i don't don't know. I mean, it's a lucky thing. I give thanks for that, man, because I have a buddy who got the migraines, and I've seen girls that get the migraines, and it's just a game changer, man. So, you know, if you ever want to know what it feels like, come on over, I got the drum set going. I will annoy you till you get a migraine. And speaking of being annoyed, Ah, it's Friday. It's that Friday where, guess what, I have to sit down with my therapist, my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascott.

Because the powers the be think I have a nut loose, so they want to make sure that I'm getting treatment that's transparent that all the listeners and all the investors and everyone can hear and see and make sure it's tangible. And so I have to suffer through this therapist, this Dr. Ascot guy. And here we go. Let's get them in here, Roger. Here we go, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. How are you today, Arland?

Oh, I was good until this. What are we doing today, nutbag? Arland. Come on, get it over with. I'm not in the mood. Holland, sometimes the world makes us feel small. It makes us feel small. How do you figure? Holland, sometimes our emotional baggage can build up on us and cause us to feel closed in and small, Arland.

Okay, I can agree. with that i've been through those moments i'm sure you have allan what does that mean i'm just agreeing with you allan no you see you had this inflection like i had problems come on get it over with where are you going with this ascot allan when you think of small what do you think of i don't know the head of a pin okay what else all I don't know, a Pocodot? What, Arlen, think of something living that would be small. I don't know, a mouse?

Excellent, Arland. I want you to talk about feeling small. Okay, that's not a problem, good. As a mouse. Excuse me? I want you to talk about being small, but do it in the voice of a mouse. mouse. Okay, what is this, As Scott? Do we really have to go there? What are you pulling out?

It's cheese, Arland. I thought it might entice you to talk like a mouse. You brought a brick of cheese. Oh, God, that reeks. Let me put my socks around it, Holland. What are you doing wrapping your socks around the cheese? Trying to keep the smell in, Holland. Yeah, well, it's just getting worse because your feet reek like a dirty bathtub at an old folks home. Holland. I'm not talking like a mouse. You will get a pink slip, which is actually a bit bigger than a mouse, Holland.

Oh, come on. Okay, here I go. I feel really, uh, the world's so big. Not a very good mouse, Holland. Well, how does a mouse talk, Ascot? Have you ever heard the words? Walt Disney, Holland. Oh, no. Oh, yes, Holland.

Mickey Mouse, Holland. I'm not talking like Mickey Mouse while I discuss deep emotional problems. Well, maybe you'd like to talk to a pink slip, Alland. Oh! Please proceed, Holland. Why don't you tell me about

how you feel closed in? Mickey Well, sometimes I get a little anxious, you know? Excellent, darling. And, you know, I get a lot of work projects put on my back and maybe I'm having some family problems. What do you mean, family problems, Alan? Well, you know, my parents want me to do this

and my brothers and sisters want me to do this. and, well, I just got too much on my shoulders. Excellent, all, and have some cheese. Ow! You just threw a big chunk of cheese in my, rain my eye, it burns. You're an excellent mouse, Holland, please continue. No, I'm not Mickey Mouse telling problems. Pink slip.

Well, anyways, sometimes when I'm trying to make everybody happy. I guess I lose control of who I am. And then next thing you know, there I am, feeling small in this great big world of ours. Excellent, Arlen. Have another blunk of cheese. Ow! What is a blunk of cheese? It's not a block of cheese, and it's not a chunk of cheese, Alan. Yeah, I know, it's a blunk of cheese. Excellent, Arlen. Please can Continue, Mickey. Oh, this is... Can I just get out of here?

Holland. I mean, Mickey. Well, I guess sometimes when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw from the world. I crawl into my shell and I don't want to talk to anybody

and sometimes I'll stay in bed for three or four days at a time and never answer the telephone. Excellent, Arland. Have another blunk. Ow! Oh, God! I left a welt, Ascot!

Blunk it up, Arland. I mean, Mickey. That's it, I'm done! Hey, Mickey, you're so fine. You're so fine. You blow my mind. Hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey.

Stop it. Don't worry, Arland. It's a popular song. Hey, Mickey, you're so fine. Stop it. I mean, stop it. You're getting lost in Mickey, aren't you, Alan? No, I'm not.

Yeah, I'm not. Yes, you all, and... Hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey. Stop, but just cut it out. It hurts. Words really hurt. I mean, just...

Get out of here, idiot. It's like you're brainwashing me. It's okay, Alan. We're all done for today. Good. Get out. Take your blunk with you. Ow!

Raid in the face again with a blunk of cheese. Goodbye, Mickey. God, a blunk of cheese. Now the guy's making up words on me. Yes, waiter. Another blunk of cheese, please. Ow! Excellent, very sharp.

So it seems like I'm on this theme of annoying today. We got the annoying migraines. We got the annoying Dr. Scott. Can I throw another thing into the annoying ring here? Is that doable? Because this annoys my arse cheeks off. How many of you, when you go grocery shopping, have to buy a big bundle item or whatever it is? I don't even know what I'm saying. Like a big heavy item, like a watermelon or a like a case of bottled water or like a couple of pineapples or something you ever you ever have to do that you get those big items that are just you know you're almost like

hey did you you guys don't have a strong man from the circus handy do you yeah could someone help me load this in my cart right i mean these things are heavy right and you load them in your car and they like a watermelon starts rolling all over your other groceries crunch squish splat come on man i just want a nice juicy watermelon it feels like you're one of those guys in the strongest man in the world competition you know those big hulking guys who pick up those big round stones and throw them up over the wall watermelon right

and they squish up all your stuff and then they're the most oddly shaped thing because they're kind of like a football they're not round they're kind of oval and so then you reach down into your basket when you get to the checkout line

and just about throw your back out you're like let me reach down into the bottom of this and you drop it on that conveyor belt, right? But because of the shape of the watermelon, even though it's a big damn chunk of mass, the part that actually touches the sliding conveyor belt is about the diameter of a quarter.

So suddenly you got this giant, fragile melon doing like a Cirque de Soleil balancing act on the conveyor belt. You're like, whoa, whoa, which way is it going to go? Hey, oh, hey. You need like an Australian rugby team to come in to pass the damn melon down the belt. Like, oh, hey, look how it's wobbling. It's rolling back. Right?

And then again, that thing gets on the thing and rolls over your cupcakes and rolls. So it's like a, suddenly you got a steamroller on the conveyor belt and crushing up your cookies and rolls through a pie, crunches your bananas. Thanks, watermelon. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code. code harland have fun don't throw your back out and then the fun ain't over yet then they then they uh you know you pay for the damn thing the poor lady behind the count of the 90 year old bag who's just trying to make a few bucks on the weekend suddenly she's got like a herniated disc let me get that watermelon for you young

whippersnapper he you couldn't have just got a fuck an apple dildo what was that nothing and they smash it into the bag or they put it back in your cart same with the case of water man holy god these cases of water what the hell are we doing buying water and then you roll your cart out to the parking lot and then the show starts all over again it's like a balance again you got to get it out of your car and whoa whoa i got to to get in it where do i put it do you put it on the back seat do you put it on the front seat belt around it because it's as fat as a human child excuse me you forgot my seatbelt shut up watermelon i just spit some seeds at you ah i mean god seriously you just have one of those

strong men from the circus standing at the door right with the uh suspenders on and the the handlebar mustache and his hair slick back, right? And he's bending like an iron pole. Help you with your watermelon there, my friend? Uh, yes, please. Where are you parked, my friend? Let me put one on each shoulder and carry it over for you, old boy. Thanks, strong man from the circus.

Anytime, that's what I do. Maybe I can lift your car up and you can crawl under it. Um, why would I do that? And because I don't like your pimply face. All right. So, I don't know. More things to be annoyed at, I guess. Well, thank God we got the Harlan Highway, right?

We're never annoyed with that. Yeah, right. Hi, Harlan. It's Levi from Denver. I actually was calling because I heard you talking about Asking Couture and that he had punched you but you didn't let an air and when you said that he punched you

I was like that's weird because I've seen most of all of them I've never seen that one I'm just wondering if there's any way we could see that as anywhere we can go to see that I know again you said he didn't want it you didn't like it so you didn't want to air it but I'd really like to see it

and I'm sure a lot of your fans would like to see it Harlan and figure that much as well I'll be listening on the podcast listening every day and enjoy all of it. All right. Thanks, nice. Bye. Okay, okay, fair enough. Fair enough.

You're not the only one that has asked that question since I kind of told my Ashton Coutcher Demi Moore story a few weeks back. You know, I think you heard it. I was sitting there having a dinner. playing games with the coochsters. Anyways, what I did drop in there is that, you know, Ashton, years ago, had punged me. And a number of you have written me letters or left me phone messages going,

wait a minute, we never saw that. What would happen? And as I said on the previous show, I did not allow them to air the episode. and as most of you, a lot of you, some of you are curious, let me tell you what went down, okay? Here's how my pung happened. All right, here's here was a setup.

A buddy of mine called me up and he said, hey man, I'm over at this cool bar on Sunset Boulevard, man, this awesome bar and uh these models are here from new york and uh you got to come over and meet them man and i said you know what i'm i'm flying tomorrow i have a flight at nine a m i i'm not interested right and then my buddy got really he's like no man please you got to help me out you got to come be my wingman but i'm like dude i can't i'm driving home he goes i'm begging you man just half an hour and i was really putting him off and finally he just said okay i I said, okay, I'll help you out.

I'm coming for half an hour, and I'm out of there, right? So I go to this club. I walk in, sure enough, there's my buddy, sitting with these two beautiful models, and I don't have any clue who they are, so they're just idle chit-chat. No, they're being friendly, and my buddy says, hey, man, I want to get their drinks.

I want to impress them. And I said, okay, and I just happened to have, like, some cash on me, because I think I'd been invading, or something so i had like i think i had like five one hundred dollar bills just it was a fluke occurrence but i just happened to have it right so because i want i want to spend a lot of money i'll pay you back i forgot my wallet and i was like okay well okay here's some cash and he kind of looked struck like he's like oh he's like no no let me use your credit card and i'm like what the hell are you talking about i should have suspected right then and there right um so anyways uh

He goes, yeah, I want to run a tab, it'll impress them, you know? And I said, oh, God, dude, come on. I said, okay. So I gave him my credit card, and he, you know, gave it to the matri-D who was Dax Shepard, who I did not, I'd never seen punked, so I didn't know who Dax was. And so we're sitting there, and before you know it, this black dude over at another table who's sitting with a whole bunch of haughties waves at me i'm like he goes hey harlan williams right i'm like yeah yeah he's like uh hey man i'm a huge fan you know and not to sound cocky but you know

i get that a lot he's like hey something about married dumb and dumber have baked all this i'm like yeah cool man thank you you know it's really nice to the guy and then uh and then uh like about four minutes later like a bottle of champagne showed up and some shrimp cocktails and some fancy colored drinks for the girls and i was like uh hey waiter i didn't order any of this and uh he goes no it's from that guy over there and i look over and there's the black guy and he's like waving hey man hey you know and he's pointing to himself and i'm like oh wow okay uh it made me a little uncomfortable I don't really love getting like freebies from people. I appreciate that they like what I do,

but I always get weird when they spend money or whatever. It's weird. It's awkward. So I got up and I walked over to the guy. I said, dude, look, you went way above and beyond. Thank you so very much. I tell you what, give me your address. I'm going to send you, you know, one of my videos.

I want to autograph it and send it to you. And I got to say thank you. This is overly generous. And he's like, okay, man, no problem. And so I'll give it to you in a bit. So I'm like, okay, I went and sat back down, and all of a sudden a bunch of food comes, and all of a sudden a couple of his girls get up,

these hot models and come over and start massaging my shoulders and everything, right? And I'm like, what the hell? This is crazy. And then they go sit back down, and about three, four minutes later, I see them all get up at once and walk away. And as he's walking away, I'm like, good Lord, the guy forgot to give me his address.

So I'm yelling. I'm like, dude, hey, your address. I want to sit. And he just kind of blew me off and walked out. And that struck me as weird. I thought, wait a minute, I'm offering the guy like he was nuts about me, and I'm offering him a freebie. And he just blew, so something felt a little weird about that.

I still didn't know I was being punked. And, you know, I looked over at his table, and there was empty bottles of champagne and this and that and this and that, all kinds of food. And then all of a sudden, Maddie, my buddy was like, hey, man, let's get out of here. The models want to go. Let's get the bill on go. I was like, okay, I don't know where we're going, but if you want to get out of here, let's go. So he waves to the matri, which was Dachshepard, and Dax comes over and hands me the credit card. and I look at it and it's like for $5,000, right?

And I'm like, at first I thought it was like the number of my card. I saw like five, all these digits and I'm like, where's the price? What do we owe? My buddy looks at it goes, it's there. That's the number. I go, that's not the number. That's $5,000. We didn't even order anything.

That guy bought us stuff. And so I call Dax over. I go, dude, I think there's been a mistake, man. um this is uh this is a huge number i didn't order anything and dax looks at me and he goes oh yeah your friend said you were taking care of him i said i said what he goes your friend said you're taking care of everything and i go what friend and he goes the guy you were sitting here drinking with and partying with the guy you know your buddy i said dude i don't even know that guy i've never met him in my life he was like buying me stuff and he goes look he said you were taking care of it

it's all here right on your card. And so then all of a sudden I started to, you know, right away, I'm like, I'm sensing a scam. I said, dude, I don't know this guy. There's a mistake. Go get me the manager. And then Dax, you know, Dax is cocky and a little intimidating, and he goes, I'm the manager.

I go, what do you mean? You're the manager, dude. You're not the manager. Why would the manager be waiting tables? He goes, because I'm very hands-on. I'm a manager. and so all of a sudden i thought dax was in on this guy's scam so i stood up out of my chair and i when i get mad man i get mad i mean we all do right and i get this look in my eye like

you're about to go down i was pissed and so i stood up and i got right in dax's face and he's a big guy too i said dude this is a fucking scam and you're fucking in on it and let's take care of this right now and i was right in his face and he goes he goes sir you're gonna have to pay the bill i said i'm not paying the bill i said you know what get me the owner of the hotel he goes oh the owner's not here right now so you're gonna have to pay it i said well you know what i'm gonna go get the cops man i'm gonna go get the cops and you're gonna get nailed and blah blah blah and i started walking off and that's when ashton came running out and dove on me and grab me and then i just kind of realized something was up and all of a sudden i switched gears from being super angry to uh yeah

i knew what you were doing i was just acting i was in on it right so it was a good punked but here's the dilemma okay here's what happened i look i have a fan base i have i i do comedy i make people laugh i do funny movies and uh you know it's not in my wheelhouse to be getting angry and enraged in front of my fans. I don't feel like that does anything for my image, and it doesn't do anything for what I like to put out there into the universe, okay? So I literally got up in Dax Shepard's face,

and to follow up on it, I met Dax at a party about six months ago. We were hanging out, and he goes, Harland, I just got to tell you, man, he goes out of all the people we ever punked, you were the only one where I thought you were going to kick the shit out of me. He said, I was scared that you were going to go off. And I was. I was angry.

And so the reason I didn't release the show, I didn't sign the release for it is because it's like, I rarely get angry like that. It takes a lot. But I don't like being getting scammed or taking advantage of, just like you wouldn't. And so I got really mad. I just thought, I don't want my fans to see this. So what I did is I made Ashton, you know, they edited the whole thing. Ashton, I said, Ashton, you got to send it over to me, man. If I think it's funny, I'll let you air it.

If not, sorry, dude. So they edited it all up. They sent it over. And I was like, no, I don't like this. It just shows me getting angry. So I said no to it, right? And then Ashton called me up at home. He's like, come on, man.

Don't be a pussy. Come on. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, wait a minute. Let's break down the punked experience, okay? If you had called me and asked me to come out and be on a show where it showed me getting mad and, you know, getting aggressive, would I do it? No. Would I do it even if you offered me pay? No, because like I said, that's not how I want to represent myself. So there's no upside for me. I just looked like a doofus and believe me i love a good practical joke i'm not like i'm not like a sissy like that but for ashton it's like he owns the show okay he owns the show he's the producer he created it he's he's he's you know he's making bank off the thing we don't get paid for getting punked and it's not like that i don't need the money but i said to ashton i said ashton

you know i i think it's funny i love practical jokes but here's the deal I don't want to do a joke where I'm getting mad and angry and, you know, turning red. I said, if you guys ever decide to punk me again, do one of those ones where, like, a piano drops on a car, or I leave the break off and a trailer rolls into a lake, or, you know, something blows up or something like that. But don't show me, like, getting angry in a guy's face. I'd rather look like a goofball that was like, oh, my God, did I drop that piano? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

You know. So that's the story behind the punk. It was fun. And I think if you go online or you own the collection of punk, I think they ended up doing the same punk to an actor named Stephen Dorff. So check that out. They kind of did the exact same setup. And just so you don't think I'm a bit of a sissy about it.

They also tried to get David Spade that night, and he didn't sign off on it. And also, they tried to get Jamie Fox that night, and Jamie didn't sign off on it. But I was the first, and then those guys followed suit. So, you know, there's probably a lot more people that didn't sign off on getting punked. I mean, I think y'all remember the Justin Timberlake one, where he was, like, crying like a little girl or something. So, you know, I'm up for fun. I'm up for practical jokes, but that's my long-ass winded punk story.

You asked for it. There it is. No more need to hide it. So the end result was it never got aired. I did not sign the release. So the chances are you will never see it. The only way you'll see it is if, you know, MTV or Ashton himself were to release it. And I don't think that'll ever happen.

so I tried to verbally run you through it, and there you go. It was interesting. It was fun, but in the end, not something I really wanted to put out there in the world. So there you go. Hope you never get punked, or maybe hope you do. Who knows? And my God, look at that. We're at the end of the show.

That was a long-ass story, but what can I do? I had to tell it. I had to tell the punkness. Um, so there you go. That's it. And, uh, we got a bail. We got a bail. We're out of time. I'm punking your ass. I'm ending the show. I'm punking your ass. I'll send you a shrimp cocktail. Until next time, everybody. You know the drill. Um, you can see me in Cleveland, uh, September 8th through the 11th at hilarities comedy club. Um, the pickwick and frolic. It's also called. And then the fall. following week i will be in baltimore at a great comedy club in baltimore the 16th and 17th so uh check it out and uh until next time watch out for ashton coocher hiding in your bushes and chicken chow may baby