The Harland Highway - PODCAST 316

Episode Date: September 5, 2011

Today I discuss zit creams, speech impediments, sewer lids, pizza slices, bees and cell phones, and a stoner calls the hotline. Bless my boiled bean sprouts!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I feel a bad moon rising. And the reason I feel a bad moon horizon is because I have a feeling one of you listening is hanging a moon right now. Now that's a pretty harsh accusation, but I stand by it. Pull up your pants, you naughty little boy or girl. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. It's me. Yeah, that's right. Harland Williams scolding you right out of the gate. But don't worry, it will get more pleasant as we go along as we talk about.

so many things today. Speech impediments. Speed impediment. We're going to be talking about sewer lids. Yeah, amazing topic. You won't find that on any other podcast. How about your cell phone? Did you know your cell phone is helping to murder? Yeah, way do you hear who you're murdering every time you use your cell phone? Fascinating stuff. Zits. How many of you still get the zits? Well, let's talk about proactive Zit cream.

Or maybe we shouldn't unless we're a billion-dollar celebrity. And one of the leading causes of Zits, I have no scientific proof, but it's possible. Pizza? Let's talk about pizza slices. And who loves pizza more than anyone else? Stoners. Yeah, let's get into stoners. Let's get into all of it.

Let's get into a new intro for the... The Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. Well, what we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Highland. Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it. All right.

Do you stay up late at night and you watch TV? You watch some kind of show. You can't sleep. And then all of a sudden these infomercial comes on. And there's that one infomercial for proactive. You know, the Zit Cream? And for some reason, all these celebrities have signed on. P. Diddy and Jessica Simpson and the like.

and I don't know man I don't know if I'm buying it I mean you've seen there's Jessica Simpson standing there with big greasy zits bubbling out of her face she looks like she just took a tour of Chernobyl over in Russia her chin's all

bubbling and her cheeks have more pus than a dying seal on a beach man and I'm like wait a minute are these guys really sitting at home these trillionaires these big celebrities get a zit are they really sitting at home looking in the mirror and popping it and putting zit cream on it

are you kidding me man these guys go right to beverly hills and they're like oh my god doctor i have like a zit on my face so could you cut my face off and give me a face left yeah just put a new face on there well what about your proactive cream screw that crap give me a new face Vanessa Williams. I mean, what's she doing on there showing her zit? She's like almost 50 years old. Beautiful woman. She's on there showing off her zits.

What are you eating, Vanessa, fries and pizza and onion rings all day, man? What's next for you? You're going to go through puberty, maybe? Proactive. I think these celebrities are getting like a buck of pop for every unit they sell. I think I'll just do it the old-fashioned way, man. Look in the mirror. Pop them.

Go through the pain. Save my zip cream money to buy some more fries. Mm-hmm. It's a vicious cycle here on the Harland Highway. All right. A gross way to start the podcast. But, you know, it had to be talked about. I have to talk about all things.

All things. in the universe including oh charles nelson reiling oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh how oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh flamboyant character actor and he thick glasses and oh he used to have these fits of energy where he just like oh oh oh Charles

oh anyways how about a heartwarming story huh it's kind of a weird one and it's kind of a little bit funny but it's also kind of like heartwarming and it's not funny in a mocking way because it's a bit of a sensitive topic

but it's funny in just the way life's funny. And let me tell you what it is. I was at one of these Lowe's place. You know, Lowe's are like the upscale Home Depot. Hey, man, you want to go to Home Depot? I'm sorry, I shop at Lowe's. Oh, well, excuse me. That's okay.

Why don't you get on your knees and lick my riding boots clean, you pig? Oh, okay. Right, Lowe's, right? And so I'm at Lowe's, and I bought a bunch of stuff, you know, for doing home repairs and garden work and construction and all that crap. All the stuff the guys buy, right? And I get up to the counter, and there's this fine young gentleman, a young African-American guy, and I get up there and I say, hey, man, how's it going? and he's like, oh, I was kind of like,

oh, oh, he must have been mumbling. And, you know, then we were going through the thing, and then I had to order, I had to order like this tool shed thing, right? I'm putting up a little shed to put all my tools in because Signor Fuentes won't do it. And I started talking,

I said, so how much is this shed thing? Can you look it up for me on your computer? And he was like, how much is it and I realized that the guy I guess he had some kind of speech impediment where he could not formulate words but what he had learned to do is kind of do and say everything in the rhythm of how he probably expected people to hear it right so even though he wasn't articulating words It's like, oh, yeah, the cabin's $374. He was like, and you didn't understand a word of it,

but what you got was the cadence, and in your head your brain almost went, oh, that's $735, right? And then there was a bit of confusion, and I thought, man, what's going on here? You know, this is a little awkward. I think I'm understanding what he's saying, and then we hit kind of a roadblock.

There was something he couldn't figure out in the computer, so he called one of the supervisors over, right? So the supervisor comes over, and she wasn't privy to our conversation, and she walks up, and he's like, and she was just like, oh, yeah, that's an aisle seven, and that's $395, and we can, bring that right up for you and i was looking at this guy sweet guy like young guy probably like

in his late 20s you know making an honest living work in the cash register and i admired the kid because you know he just clearly could not speak but yet he just kind of existed as if as if he could speak and he didn't seem to have a problem with if you want to call it a handicap um and he just kind of carried on as if the world kind of you know not revolved around him but that everything was okay and everything uh was functioning and and uh it was just kind of fascinating how i kind of fell into place with his his kind of if you want to call it a language you know is i don't want to be mean but it was almost like talking to a muppet right it's like like beaker from uh sesame street or something i i didn't know what language you know i might as

will have walked up and said hey man how much of these light bulbs you got you know some kind of ancient language or they might as well be speaking korean to me but yet somehow i i was able to go along with the and And in a way, it was kind of comical because I got pulled into this weird gibberish. But at the same time, it was heartwarming because it worked. And this kid wasn't letting his impairments slow him down. So how about that for a sweet, wonderful, loving, you know, construction warehouse tool buying story? Yeah, well, I know a guy over at Home Depot has got a cleft lip.

and nubs for legs. I say, that's why I don't shop there. The most I can tolerate is a speech impediment. Now get down on the ground and lick my heels. Oh, okay. So there you go, man. I hope I communicated that story clearly enough. Oh, thank you.

Okay, good. Let's move on. Hey, Harlan, just wanted, just wanted to say what's up and, like, just noticed that you haven't had any much donors on your show lately, like, your business donors on your show lately. What's going on? We're under-representing with that. You know, like, you're doing a free job on a podcast, keep up back. Oh, dude. There was like a guy standing outside my house the other day, man.

No, he was, uh, there was this guy, and he was like standing on my lawn, right? And, um, I mean, he was just standing there, like, holding out his arm, right? And I'm like, I'm like, dude. what are you standing on my lawn for man like why why you gotta have your arm out right and um and then i realized like i wasn't in my house i was like i was like i was at 7-Eleven man and and the guy behind the counter was like putting his hand out saying um here's your change dude and I was like what

what why why do you want me to change man he's like no dude here's your change and I was like well why are you like standing on my lawn man

and that's when he called the um the cops Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha Ha ha Ha Ha ha

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Don't throw your back out. I have a question for you, people. You faithful listeners here on the Harlan Highway, you ever run over a manhole, a sewer cover, or you're walking down the street, and there's a sewer hole cover, and there's like smoke coming out of it and steam. it's just kind of sizzling up and wafting out into the air and drifting away you just kind of take it for granted

well i can't do that anymore man i mean what is what's going on under the earth that we don't know about who's under our city streets is somebody down there like smoking salmon is there a guy down there curing a ham are some city workers down there with the hobachi having a barbecue We think they're down there treating our water or checking on electrical cables and they're down there tailgating down in the sewer pipes whipping up some October Fest sausage on their habanche? Hello!

And if they are, I want to get down there. I mean, what is smoking down there, people? Is there like a troll with a giant cigar down there and just kicking back with Shrek telling war stories? some guy down there steaming vegetables oh we got honey garlic vegetables we got steam peas we got brockery we got oh we got the snow peas we got the curry frower we down here under the earth make a stir fry yeah my buddy charlie lee's under there making a big stir fry getting hungry just thinking about it going underground people going to hit the

subway see if I can get myself a nice bowl of hot soup steaming right underneath the harland highway and here's an interesting factoid I don't know what a factoid is I just thought I'd say it I was going to say fact and I said factoid which sounds like a you know an invader from another planet the infectoids are coming um if you go to the the city of San Francisco, and I know you will after this little story, because you'll just have to. You can't resist you. You have to go verify. But I was in San Francisco recently, and they have the most manhole covers I've ever seen, and I never would have noticed it, but my limo driver from the airport to the hotel, as we're cutting through the city, he pointed it out. He was

this soft-spoken guy, and he's like, look at all the manholes here. Look, you see all the manhole? They just got hundreds of manhole, more than any other city I ever did see. And I looked, and sure as Sharpay wrinkles, there were like manhole covers on every corner. There were manhole covers beside each other. I mean, often you see that where there's like a manhole cover, and then two feet away, there's another one. I could see that being a random fluke,

but in San Francisco, sometimes there was two, three, side by side. I'm like, who built this city, the people who invented whack-a-mole? I mean, I've never seen so many holes. It looked like, you know, I was waiting for prairie dogs to pop up. In the streets of San Francisco,

hi, I'm a prairie dog. I'm a San Francisco Prairie dog. I want to come over and eat your wheat. Excuse me? You heard me, Biocch. I'm a San Francisco Prairie dog. Bend over and give me your wheat. God.

So I don't know. I don't know if that's a tourist attraction to you. I don't know if that's like Stonehenge or the pyramids or, you know, you want to call up your travel agent. Hey, I want to go. go on a trip. I want to see something I've never seen before. Give me one of the ninth wonders of the world type of thing. Well, let me tell you, San Francisco is world famous for hundreds of thousands of sewer grate holes. What do you mean? Well, you know when you flush your kanky turds down the toilet? God. So there you go. If you're a fan of

circular objects if you're a fan of heavy metal and i mean the actual metal like iron ore uh if you're a fan of of streets that are on on steep inclines uh san fran is your place to go man go on a manhole tour that i don't know if you should say that that sounded a bit home or Yes, would you like to go on a manhole tour of San Francisco? Um, I'm married. What exactly do you mean a manhole tour? Oh, I think you know what I mean. Um, I'm gonna pass. Okay, do you have any friends? I gotta go.

Okay, can I watch? No, I don't, I don't mean go tinkle. Oh, mage disappointment. All right, let's get. Just because it's Sam Fran, do I have to go, like, effeminate? Do I have to go down gay street? Just because it's, well, I guess you do, because it's a huge gay population.

So consider that a little tribute. Yeah, gay guys are going up yours, gay prairie dogs. What, you have a problem? Bend over and give me your wheat crackles. Okay, enough. I don't know what wheat crackle I don't know what wheat crackles are Let's move on

Oh I bet you don't know what weak crackles are ass I said let's move on Let's Okay You ready for the latest buzz And when I say buzz I'm talking about the bumblebees out there

Here's some weird science I don't know if it's true or not true people But they're claiming cell phone are interfering with bumblebees. Every time you use your cell phone, it throws off the bees homing device or their trajectory to their flowers

or it interferes with their... I don't know what they use or how they work. All I know is they buzz around, and if I get too close, they sting my ass. But now they're saying it's a possibility that cell phones are interfering with the bumblebee's daily duties, which is to fly around and pollinate flowers.

If the bees don't make it to their flowers, they don't get the pollen, and then it affects the whole chain and their whole life cycle, and in turn, no more honey is produced. And where I'm going with this is every time you use your cell phone, you are helping to murder Winnie the Pooh.

Okay? I don't eat honey that much, people. I don't care. Let the honey stop. But what happens to this society? What happens to the United States of America if we lose the beloved Winnie the Pooh, the little poo bear? May I use your cell phone, Mr. Rabbit? Or if I can't use your cell phone, could I have some honey, please?

So hang up your cell phones, go back to your landlines, let the bees go and hump the flanks. Do their pollinating, and let everything get back to normal in the 100-acre woods. Is there any more honey? Oh, stuff and fluff. Shiver me timbers, Christopher Robin. Speaking of sweet things, who loves their pizza? Huh? Huh?

You like your pizza, huh? Can it be more annoying, huh? like your pizza guy. Oh, Charles. Oh, God. What is happening to pizza slices? Have you seen some of the ones that you buy at, you know, if you go to the mall,

not dominoes or, you know, well, you know what, maybe dominoes. I've never ordered, but there's this deep pan pizza thing they have, right? And I mostly see this at malls. you're walking through the food corridor at the airport or anywhere where there's a food mall and they've got the slices out on display and these deep pan slices are just getting thicker and thicker and thicker. I saw some kids the other day jumping up and down on a slice like it was one of those balloon houses, right?

I mean, it's just, it's too thick. It can no longer be called a pizza. I think you just got to go straight to pie. You know, they call them pizza pie. pies. Well, they're called pizza pies probably because they're cut in, you know, pie slices, right? And they're round. But these thick slices now have the density, have the thickness of a traditional slice of like blueberry or raspberry pie. Or you ever see a lemon meringue pie, right? And they sit there and they're like three feet high. I saw a pizza slice the other day that if I fell into it, I would have done.

drowned. It had pineapple and ham and the toppings were thick enough, but the base of the pie was, it was like, it was literally like, if you were to stack three slices of white bread on top of each other, that's how thick it looked, and then you put all the toppings on top. I think it's sacrilege. That's not the way pizza should be. That should be called, you should call that like pizza mattress literally you could make they look like dog bands they're they're so thick and foamy looking and then you see that warm bacon on top and a you know a nice pineapple slice you can just picture your golden retriever come on get over there rover go lay down lay down on your bed lay down on your pineapple pepperoni slice all right then eat it

You know, I can picture a dog curled up on these big, foamy, giant pizza slices. You know, the first responders should use those at the fire department. We got a jumper. We got a jumper down on 4th and 9th Street. All right, bring up the pizza slice. Let's go, let's go. What flavor? Give me the green pepper, the mushroom, and the olives.

No meat? All right, bring me the pepperoni, too. Come on, let's go. You know, you got a jumper down on some suicide guy just slide a giant pizza slice underneath, man. I mean, I could see the stunt menus in these and the movies, you know? It's just like they're getting too thick. I don't even know how you could physically eat one either.

That's crazy. How do you digest that? How do you even get all that into your stomach? And I'm talking one slice, man. so you know cool it pizza makers cool it man it's just die you you you're starting to distort what pizza is you know there's a tradition to pizza there's a there's a something we come to expect with our pizzas with a pizza slice it's already weird enough that they have the thin crust you ever you ever eat a thin crust pizza the crust is thinner than

the slice of pepperoni on top. Like, wait a minute, what's wrong with this picture? You go to put it in your mouth, you get paper cuts and your lips. Ow, God! I just got a paper cut. Well, how the hell did that happen? Eating a thin crust slice? I mean, you could throw those things like ninja stars.

They're so light. I go down to the lake and skip them across the pond. Yeah, I went from lake to. a pond in one sentence, okay? There was some dehydration between when I said lake and pond. So the lake shrunk and technically became a pond. You don't think I'm aware of my little blunders? But no, I go down and skip the thin crust pizza slices across the pond and go fishing.

I mean, it's crazy. I guess you're figuring out I'm just a traditional pizza slice guy, right? I like the good old normal thickness. I think they got it just right the first time around. I'm betting it took, you know, half a century to get pizza to the state of where everyone was like, there we go, hey, we got the perfect thickness and the perfect dimension. We cut it into the triangle, eh, we put the pepperoni, we put the olive, we put the onions. Hey, hey, hey, hey, someone come and rub my forehead.

I don't know with that part, man, but, you know, I threw it in there. and then they go bugger it all up with these uh you know space tile thick slices and these uh you know these slices that are so thinned if you if you can't finish the pizza you start doing origami uh jim what the hell is that oh that's a bacon mushroom and pepperoni swan okay i got to go where are you going i'm going to go to lows oh i do home depot well up y'olds oh god what am i doing pulling earlier bits into the into the later bits that's not is that cool i don't know all right but what is cool is well it's not that cool it's kind of sad we're at the end of the podcast i hope you're probably hungry now right that's probably a good way to

end the podcast i talk about pizza i'm hungry let's all go get a pizza man i wish charlie lee made pizza up yours funny guy i make stew fry underneath the pavement see i pulled in another bit from earlier that's crazy um and speaking of crazy you can come see me mr crazy in cleveland ohio i will be at hilarities pickwick and frolic comedy club uh september 8th through the 11th and then uh the following weekend you can catch me in baltimore doing stand-up comedy the 16th and the 17th in baltimore so uh good stuff coming to the east coast get your fix of yours truly and don't forget check out harlowe williams dot com you can send me emails at harlowe williams dot com you can call and leave a message even if you're like a stoner man because i want to keep represent

the stoners. That guy probably loved the pizza bit. He probably got halfway through it and was like, I got the munchies, man. He ran out the door. But you can leave your messages 888-52090. And thanks for being here. Thanks for riding along on the Harland Highway.

Great to have you. Tell your friends all about it if you can. We'd like to share the highway with as many as possible. And you know what? Until next time, what can I say? A chicken. Chalman, baby. How about some underground stir fry, funny guy?

And the only reason for being a bee is to make honey. And the only reason for making honey is so I can eat it.