The Harland Highway - PODCAST 317

Episode Date: September 7, 2011

Ugly kids vs pretty kids, female deoderant, movie talkers, quick tips, drive thru's, mannequins, and god forbid, Cinnamon Boy! Bake my crunch cake!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'll tumble for you. I'll tumble for you. No, I won't tumble for you. Boy, George might tumble for you. You know what I'll do for you? I'll podcast for you. I'll podcast for you. Yeah, that's what we're doing here, right here, right now.

So welcome to the Harland Highway. I am he, Harland, not the highway, just Harland. And you're on the Harland Highway. Welcome. I'm your host. With the Most, and we have a big show for you today, man. We're going to be talking about mannequins, creepy old mannequins, or are they creepy? Maybe they turn you on.

We're going to be talking about deodorant, women's deodorant. Way to you hear what I did. A really annoying guest is dropping by the studio today. I don't want to say who. I hate his guts. You might like them. We're going to be talking about the drive-through experience. going through the old drive-thru.

And then are you an ugly brother and sister or a gorgeous brother and sister in a family? Are you the pretty one and someone else in your family got the ugly? We're going to be talking about that dichotomy. Do you talk in the movies? Uh-huh. Are you a movie talker? I hope not, because I'm going to rant about it.

And I'm going to give you some quick tip advice. All right here, me talk. on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger with everything

coming up! You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien! It's all for you! This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being! God damn it! Every few weeks there's a story of some dumbass who drives through a building He goes through the front plate glass window of a store

I know we got a lot of drive-thrus in this country But people Look for the sign that says drive-thew Just don't put the pedal to the metal and drive through a house. You know, I can spot a squirrel darting around. And these people can't see architecture, 23,000 square feet of storefront window? I don't know, man. Maybe some people just have it out for mannequins.

Oh, look at that mannequin, giving me the eye. Oh, you've been staring at me all week, baby. Just watching me go to work back and forth, 9 to 5 with your beautiful long hair and your big eyelashes and your curvy body and the funky fashions you wear. I can't take it no more, baby. I'm gunning you down. That'll teach you to flirt with Johnny Danger. Yeah. And you can almost can't blame a guy.

nowadays for maybe getting attracted to a mannequin, right? They're getting better and better looking. They got really hot mannequins now, and a lot of them with the erect nipples, I'm sorry, I don't know how else to say it delicately, but, you know, it's hard to walk through a department store, and there's, you know, you happen to walk through the ladies' section on your way through the mall,

and there's a gorgeous brunette. with a perfect smile and big bedroom eyes and she's got as hard as rock nipples sticking through her J.C. Penny silk shirt. It's like, hello, can I bring you a Starbucks? Oh, I see the silent treatment, huh? Well, maybe dinner later tonight. Oh, soft-spoken, are we?

Well, I'll take that as a yes. See you around 8 o'clock? Oh, playing hard to get. Excellent. But I can tell you're excited. Look at your nipples. So there you go. Speaking of beautiful, you ever see this?

And this has got to be hard. This has got to be hard. You ever see the kids? You see the mom and the dad out? And they've got their kids. And one kid is kind of homely looking. and kind of, you know, you know, they're probably not going to come out that well. You know, they're probably going to come out not looking like the prettiest bulb on the tree,

but then the other kid is like dropped in gorgeous for a kid, you know what I mean? Like the kids got great looks, whether it's a boy or a girl. You can just tell that the kid at like nine years old is handsome or beautiful. And the other kid, the brother or the sister, is like, kind of awkward and geeky and you're like good lord you know and then ultimately they get older and they go into the teenage years and and the beautiful one gets more beautiful and the kind of let's just say it the ugly one gets uglier and then they get into adolescence and young adulthood and then the cycle just keeps going and then how does that how that's got to be tough that's got to be hard

as a sibling to be mediocre in the looks department, let's face it, and then your brother or your sister is just a drop-dead stunner. And they get all the attention, they get all the doubting and the doting or whatever the word is, the doubting. I doubt you're beautiful, but I don't, you're gorgeous. But it's just got to be tough. you got to wonder if it gives the you know the uh the uh the frumpy brother or sister a complex and then the levels of uh competitiveness and the uh the jealousy that must live live there oh god

i don't know i don't have that my family i'd say i have like there's five kids in my family and we all kind of look the same like we're not ugly we're not going We're kind of in the middle, but nobody's like a drop-dead, like, supermodel with the green eyes and the long blonde hair and the, you know, playboy model figure, you know. And what's it like for guys that have sisters like that? That's got to be tough when you're a guy and you have a sister that's dropped-dead gorgeous, like playboy model-esque. And as a kid growing up, you just see the men and the boys lined up down the street. And you're a guy, right? So you know what guys like.

And you got to sit there and know that all these guys are just drooling over your sister and want to get their hands on your sister. That can't be easy. So I don't know. I don't know if there's anyone out there who wants to share a story. if anybody's a gorgeous or a frumpy brother or sister team or twins even worse. Do you imagine being a twin, an identical twin,

but yet you're not identical? Well, we're identical twins. Well, how come you're ugly as ass and she's gorgeous? Well, you don't have to rub it in. So I don't know. It's got to be interesting. Give us a call if you've had. any experience in that world and uh you want to share any stories with us we're at 888

5209 this might matter i put on some um lady speed stick today hello was that wrong yeah i've been using the manly stuff my whole life you know the old spice and the high karate and sometimes they just rub a can of spam under my arms that's how my macho I am, you know. I'll just grab a raw bar of soap and rub it in my hairy armpits. Sometimes I'll just stuff a grilled cheese sandwich under there, walk around smelling like Kraft cheddar. But I tried something different.

I guess one of my lady friends left her lady speed stick laying around the house, and I'm like, hmm, let me try this one. I put it on and smell kind of nice, man. Kind of flowery, you know? I'm trucking down the street, feeling dry and confident. Like a couple of bears came out of the woods and started following me. And some reindeer and some rabbits and some skunks and some raccoons and butterflies and bluebirds. It felt like I was in a Disney movie, man.

My pit smelled like the spring forest. All the local critters were coming to feed, man. I had to run into the grocery store. and buy a pack of bacon and some spam and rub it under my arms. Get rid of that lady speed stick reek. I mean, I think I disrupted the seasonal hibernation. But nonetheless, I smell great. I smell like spring.

I smell like bacon. I smell like spam. I'm a walking buffet, people. And I'm delicious. And so is the Harland Highway. What a treat. Hello! Hey, Harlan, this is Danny.

I just got listening to the podcast episode where Dr. Ascot was interviewing Cinnamon Boy. Absolutely hilarious. Cinnamon Boy is ridiculous. Anyway, I just wanted to share my appreciation with it, and things keep getting for any of the more I listen. You have a good one. Oh, well, I'll tell you what. I'm glad somebody likes Cinnamon Boy,

because I don't like to spew hatred, okay? It's not nice. I was born and raised to not hate people, no matter what, but I'm going to tell you, I hate this kid. I would be happy as a clam if Cinnamon Boy never showed up every hang on there's someone at my door hang on come on come on in hi i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon oh speak of the devil well the devil's red just like some really hot spicy cinnamon stop it kid don't tell me to stop it i do what i want i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon shut up kid

What are you doing here in my studio? Well, it's the end of summer. So, I wish it was the end of you. Up yours! What are you doing here, kid? I wanted to tell you how my summer went. Oh, boy, do I really need to know? You betcha.

Uh-huh. Surely, surely! Stop with the goofy lines. Up yours, how about that goofy line? Come on, what'd you do this summer, kid? Well, I went on a religion. retreat. Come on, you went on a religious retreat? I surely did. Oh, really? Why don't you tell me about it? Well, what I did is I went to a synagogue. Wait a minute. A what? A synagogue.

A synagogue. That's right, where they make cinnamon in a cinnamon god. It's not where they make cinnamon, kid. Well, up yours. How did you get to the synagogue? In a Cinebago? Oh, come on, kid. I rented a Cinebago, and I rolled across the whole country to get to the synagogue. Because I'm Cinnoc, and I love cinnamon! Stop it! What the hell is the matter with you?

Cinnamon this, cinnamon that? I don't even believe your story. Well, how about this? Up yours, do you believe that? Knock it off. Now, if this is real, if you guys... took a so-called Cinebago. What is it?

Cinebago. A Cinebago, huh? That's right. It's like a Winnebago, except it's made out of cinnamon. Stop it. You took a Cinebago to a synagogue? That's right, where I got down on my knees, and I worshipped cinnamon. Because I'm cinnamon, boy, and I love cinnamon. Knock it off! No, I don't.

believe any of this for one second if this place is for real where the hell is your synagogue that you took your cinnabago in it's in the united states of america thank you very much oh really where it's in ohio ohio how what city cincinnati or as i like to call it cinnamon anattie because i'm cinnamon boy and i love Cinnamon! Get out of here! Up yours! Out! I'm going to report you to the synagogue.

Get out! Idiot! Unbelievable! How could anyone like that doorknob? God, he gets me fired up, that dillweed, cinnamon. Guy goes in a Sinebago across the country to a synagogue in Cincinnati. Cinnamon Addie! Get out! Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping. on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Please don't ask for him or call for that idiot ever again. Roger, make sure that guy's locked out of the building.

You want me to call security? Yes, get security and let them know. Put them on a list or something. Yes, sir. Thank you. Okay, but lunch. Sorry you have to suffer through that guy. Let's just move on.

Why don't you move on in my Sinebago? Get out! Hooray for Hollywood. Yeah. Array for Hollywood, the talkies, the movies. Yeah, they used to be the silent movies, and then when talkies came along, they became the talkies. And guess what?

They're still the talkies. I went to a movie on the weekend, and I sat beside some lunkhead and his girlfriend, and the guy sitting beside me thought he was in, like, some kind of public speaking class or something. Like every time something happened on the screen, oh look at that guy man what's the guy doing wearing those boots oh man look at those boots what's up with that oh my god and then if they're not commentating about the movie they're leaning over and talking to their date what do you want to do after you want to go to the mall like shut up

and watch the talkie okay don't be the talkie watch the talkie shut it you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway get an extra large popcorn and stuff your popcorn hall and this happened to me the other day okay another time i was at the movies recently uh it was uh you know i was in a i was in a city doing stand-up and uh you know i had some time to kill during the day so i i was like you know what i'm gonna go check a movie out there was a theater raped by the hotel and i'm like you know what let's let's do it so middle of the day like the two o'clock showing i go see some you know movie that's not like a mainstream hit it's kind of like you know just like a you know

moderate hit right or whatever it is and uh i go into the theater and because it's like this afternoon screening it's empty i'm like oh okay cool i go into the theater it's completely empty and i'm like you know what just in case people come I'll go and sit up right in the back row. So I go all the way up to the back. I sit in the second last row dead center. My logic being that, okay, if anyone else comes, people generally like to sit, you know,

away from other people if it's not a crowded theater. So they'll see me way up at the back. They won't bother. They'll sit somewhere down front or in the middle or three quarters of the way up, but they're not going to come all the way up the stairs with all their food and sit near me. Right?

So, like, time keeps going. I'm still the only one there. Five minutes till the movie starts. And in walks to, like, you know, teenage girls. Okay. The only other people in the theater, two teenage girls. And I'm thinking, okay, this is working in my favor. I'm way up in the back.

Theater's empty. It's two girls. I'm a guy sitting all alone. They're not going to want to come and sit near the creepy guy in the middle of the day sitting alone, right? What teenage girl wants that kind of trouble? It's like, ooh, who's that weirdo? Why is there a full-grown man in the middle of the workday in here watching this movie? Something's off with him, right? That's what I would be thinking about me, sad to say. But they don't know, you know, I got my baseball hat on. They can't see who I am. It's dark,

it's shadowy. They don't know that I'm a stand-up comedian. I work at night. So here I am up in the back you know i'm not worried about chewing my food too loud i'm not worried about putting my feet up you know whatever sure as a shamrock shake from mcdonalds these two nutbags make a beeline right up to the top they keep coming i'm like all right they're going to stop there no okay they're going to stop in that row no they're going to all of a sudden they're right at my row i go what the hell they go behind me they walk in the row behind me they walk in the row behind me and I'm not kidding, they sat right behind me, me in the middle. No one else in the theater, and no one else came into the theater.

And they're, of course, they're teenage girls, right? So they're giggling away and chatting, and, e, I got some leg warmers, ee, Billy got a new haircut, ee, I smell like turpentine, you know, whatever they talk about. And I'm just like, oh, God, really? Come on. Crotchety old man. Oh, come on.

So, you know, I sit there for like five minutes. The first trailer starts to play. I just stand up, walk down like five rows, and plop myself in the middle. I don't know why people do it. It's like when you're in a restaurant alone and there's millions of tables and people come and sit right beside you. can't you give me my space everybody um so there you go that's my my annoying theater story um that's what i should do next time i'm in a movie you know i'm in the movies i'm up on the screen i'll just

turn in the middle of a scene i'll come to life and i'll go hey you there there's only 12 people in the damn theater yeah you you with the popcorn on the red hat come on move over a couple a rose why you got to sit so close to those strangers now if you don't mind i gotta get back to being in this movie then i just turn around and i'm back in the movie no you're not buying it okay well guess what neither am i and if you don't like it why don't you move podcasts no don't do that don't get up and move podcast i i want you right here on the harland highway with me um because you know daddy loves you time for another helpful tip from harland ladies are you getting harassed at work men oogling you whistling making rude and sexual remarks are you tired of it here's what you

do start growing out your facial hair come into work wearing prada shoes and a nice Versace dress and a full-blown lumberjack beard and mustache. Maybe even bring an ax along. So when you get those crude and sexually charged remarks, you can go swinging. Yes, just another helpful tip to help you get through your day from me. Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Ah yes, hints have you ever given someone a helpful tip and it hasn't really worked out for you you think you're being helpful but you're not it happened to me in my neighborhood there's this this guy that lives down the road and you know I have to pass his house every day to get to my house I drive by and he's doing all this beautiful renovation work you know he's restoring the face of his

house and he's putting in like this Bavarian woodwork and it's just like it looks it looks great the guy's got great taste he's doing a great job and uh in front of his house like you know at the end of the driveway and we're only talking about you know the end of the driveway to his garage is probably i would say about 20 feet 22 feet maybe and uh at the end of his driveway is this big gray kind of fence thing put up where he's got his mailbox and i guess uh it's one of these streets where uh for some reason they it's an older neighborhood so they put a few mailboxes all in the same spot so it's like imagine if you just had a big gray fence sitting on your front lawn you had this beautifully

manicured green grass front lawn and right in the middle of it was a like a nine-foot-wide slab of gray fencing with mailboxes in front of it. And that's what this guy has, right? And so one day I stopped him and I, you know, I was passing by and he was out walking his dog and I said, hey, dude, love what you're doing with your house. You know, I was certain to compliment him. He's like, oh, thanks, man. And then I said, you know, I asked him.

I was very careful. I said, would you be offended if I made a suggestion? He's like, oh, okay. And I said, you sure don't mind. It's like a cosmetic detail. And it's just my point of view. And, you know, and he says, oh, sure, man. He looked a little taken aback because we'd never talk before, right?

But I just couldn't keep my mouth shot. Because I was looking out for the guy, right? And I said, you know, your place looks beautiful, all that beautiful work you're doing. And right in front of your place is this stupid, big gray. fence with the mailboxes it's just an eyesore it takes away from looking at the beauty of your house and all the work you've done and he was just like oh oh yeah yeah okay i think i think the city like requires that the mailboxes are there but uh you know i'm looking into that okay so that's the exchange no biggie and and what i i never really kind of figured out is

when i when i drove away i felt good about myself i was like hey you know, maybe I did the guy as solid. I kind of gave him some input from a third eye, an objective source. And then the other side of me was worried that he was like, what's with that nosy neighbor? It's with the busy body. Thanks for the tip, Mrs. Beasley. Oh, you go stand in your house and hide in the front window

and peek around your curtain and watch me walk my dog. Right? And so it's like sometimes you don't know if you should give a tip or not. Or I remember I had a girlfriend once and she had this like pair of jeans and she liked the jeans. And, you know, she was a hot girlfriend, great body, great figure. And she had these new jeans on and for whatever reason they just flattened her butt right out. Like it looked like somebody shoved a like a checkerboard down her pants. okay it just it did not compliment her shape it did not accent her form it did it did not uh you know

uh make her figure uh stand out it did the opposite and so i said look don't get mad at me but i'm going to tell you because i care your butt looks you know flatter than uh you know donnie osman's teeth whatever that means i don't even know what that means but i mean but i made a comment about it and and uh you know with women you got to be real careful with your helpful tips right and uh to this day i can't tell if she was uh grateful or she was like mad but uh you know just so you know people i think i think you should be happy when someone makes a suggestion or a tip and the great news about a suggestion or a helpful tip is you don't have to take it You can either take it or leave it.

And unless it's someone being vindictive or mean, you know, if it's coming from someone who loves you and cares about you or seems honest and sincere, they're probably just trying to help you out. So a lot of people get their backs up against the wall when they hear a suggestion or a tip. But just before you get all mad, think of the source, think of what's said, take it in.

And remember that this person is an objection. objective third eye to what your tastes and values and and uh you know feelings are about something so who knows you might get lucky someone might randomly give you a tipping like oh my god you're right you are so right i do look better with a bag on my head oh thank you hey you're welcome man um or you might just be mad but just take a breath think about it and who knows maybe a stranger or a friend might even be right. Now, as far as the helpful tips I put out there, I don't know. I might be in someone's house with a dartboard,

people throwing darts at my face. I may have people resenting me. I don't know. But I'm the type of guy that just kind of can't keep my mouth shut because I'm looking out for that other person thinking, hey, this might be helpful, this might improve something they have. But then I don't want to come off as a Mr. No-it-all or a busybody. So what do you do?

Just takes your chances, right? And it's the same way with our hotline. You people can call in and say whatever you want. I will process it or process it, whatever word you use. And I'll take the good, the bad, and the ugly. And who knows, your voicemail might get on to the Harland Highway 888, 52090. And by gosh, by golly, we are out of time, golly, wally doodle all the day. So it looks like we're going to have to close it up.

If you want to see me this weekend, I will be in Cleveland, Ohio, at Hilarities, Pickwick and Frollock, Comedy Club Theater. Great place. Come check it out. I'll be there Thursday night through Sunday night. And then the following weekend, I will be in Baltimore. The city of Baltimore doing stand up down there. And look forward to seeing you there the 16th and the 17th of September.

So that's it. We got to go. It's time to wrap it up. And until next time, my funny little friends chicken chow maine baby you should try making that with extra shrimp shut up i don't need your advice wow testy just wanted to give a helpful tip up yours bastard