The Harland Highway - PODCAST 318

Episode Date: September 9, 2011

Getting snagged, windshield sprayers, quick tips, voice-mails, recalled cars, a call from George Michael from WHAM. Pull my purple potato!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, yeah, Three Stooges style with the intro here today. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. What a treat. Good to have you here, as always. We have a wonderful show, as the Germans would say, just a wonderful show. We're going to be talking about getting snagged. You ever get stuff snagged on other stuff? How annoying is that? We're going to have some quick tips today.

We're going to be listening to some of your voicemails. Some people love me. Some people hate me. It's all there. We're going to be talking about your car. And have you ever had a recall on your automobile? Mm-hmm. Annoying.

Again, a lot of annoying stuff today. And also, a little bit of, of a water story. I won't tell you all about it, but a colorful water story that happened to me. I'll give you a little bit. I drove right through a water

fountain, and I will elaborate as we go on. And then, I don't want to give it away, but some annoying person phones the studio today and starts rambling. Really annoying. So hang around.

It's all here on your favorite road. the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger with everything coming up

You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being. God damn it. Hello. Hello.

Harlan, you the bomb, man. What a guy funny as heck. I love you. Keep it up. Mr. Magoo. Captain Kirk is the best. Later. Hello.

Hey, Harlan. You put the ha in hack. My God. I don't know how your career's gotten this far. You are awful. Next message. Hello. I sure enjoy riding the Harlan Highway every night.

Thanks for the ride. Thanks, Harlan. Bye. Hello. Hello. Harlan is cruising on the Harlem Highway, man. Keep up the good work. One and out.

Denver, we rock. Ow! It's an entity. It's a thing. The mind and a will of its own. Ah, yes. Keep those phone calls coming. Some of you are happy.

And some of you are clearly not. But we just keep motoring along. You know, love us, hate us. We're here for you. And I got a great new announcement. Oh my God, very excited. Very excited about this new announcement. All right.

One of my listeners sent me an email and saying, why the heck isn't there a Harland Highway Facebook page? and I was like, what the hell is wrong with me? So guess what? There is now a Harland Highway Facebook page. It's called The Harland Highway Podcast. And it is an open forum for you guys and girls and children and women and men and grandparents to go on and post your comments and your pictures and your videos and your whatever you want.

it is now up and running the Harland Highway podcast and that's on Facebook and I encourage you guys to visit it maybe get to know each other maybe someone makes a love connection imagine that a couple of different highways or pavement pounders or whatever we want to call ourselves meet up on the Facebook page how cool would that be we could do a wedding here on the harland highway i could marry someone so uh thanks to the uh the uh listener who recommended that i'm going to try and find that letter and read it i know it's in here somewhere in the mailbag and uh that's a big announcement the harland highway podcast and that's the name of the facebook page the harland highway podcast so check it out you'll see a picture of me standing there with sunglasses and a purple shirt and i put a little video up to welcome everybody and uh very excited thanks for the

suggestion and who knows what it'll lead to but it's all there for you hallelujah Hey, everybody, you're with Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and are you rolling down the Harlan Highway right now? Are you in your vehicle? Well, you might not be in it for long because one of the big car manufacturers has issued another recall, 3.7 million vehicles to be recalled. First of all, it's a little scary that you purchased a brand new vehicle. and something ain't working in it.

You know, the brakes or the lights or the airbag, something ain't right, thus increasing your chances for a problem. And then second of all, what a pain that you bought a brand new car and they're taking it back. Yeah, it's a recall. Where'd you get that car?

Well, I just bought it about two days ago for $45,000. Yeah, well, we're taking it back. What the hell? It's a recall. Give me that car. No, you can't have it. It's a recall.

I don't care. Give it. So what do you do? You're supposed to walk everywhere? Supposed to take a cab all around? Will they fix the problem? That they might have thought to have included in the design of the car when they built the damn thing? Oh, yeah.

This rig needs some lights, man. How do we forget the lights? There's 3.7 million vehicles. Hey, Jim, were you in charge of lights? Uh, no, man, I was in charge of brakes, I think. Oh, well, did you put the brakes in? Oh, my God, now that you mention... You know what, I was on launch.

So you didn't put the brakes in 3.5 million vehicles? Yeah, I was on lunch, man. I'm sorry. Can we do a recall? Oh, yeah, no problem. We've already started one. Great. You want to go get some lunch? Yeah. How do they find all those people, man? I mean, who has to find all those people? That's got to be a nightmare going through phone numbers and addresses.

Maybe they should get those guys from Rikolo. You know, the guys in the Swiss Laterhosen that are up on the mountains yelling Riegelo. Except you get them up there yelling Rie Kalo. Every time they need to bring some cars back, they stand on the highest point of land and just yell, Re-Collo Dodge Neon Re-Collo

Oh, that's me. Pull over, Mards, there's been a recolo. Oh, gosh, darn it. I was just about to turn the lights on, too. Well, there are no lights. Oh, darn it. So make sure you know what you're driving as you cruise down the Harlan Highway with me, Harlan Williams.

Oh, yes, the funny little men up in the mountains blowing their flugelorgon. I've got a beef that you know me. I have beefs now and then. And see if this is a beef that you have simmering on your plate. how many of you have been out in the yard doing some work or kicking around the house inside and you've got a long extension cord right with a power drill at the end or a jigsaw or a circular saw or some kind of power tool or you're out in the yard with the garden hose and you're tooling around you're trying to kind of walk through your yard and spray all the crucial spots

have you noticed people and believe me I've noticed that's why I'm bringing it up have you noticed that whenever you walk through your house with a power cord when you're working if you're up on a ladder or if you're uh you've got the garden hose

and you go around a corner have you noticed the cord or the hose always seem to find the one thing sticking out that it could get caught on right if there's one little crack or one little root sticking up or a bush or a faucet or an edge on a corner or a chair leg or a stump you know you see it you're walking around you're like oh i've got lots of room i'll just let me go around into this other room i'll pull the cord behind me and you almost get to

where you want to drill and you're about a foot short and you start tugging on the cord, you're like, oh, no, and you have to walk all the way to the end of the cord, and sure is shish kebab, there it is, stuck on the only thing in the house you could get stuck on. And then you just want to cut your whole house down, or you're out in the garden, and you wander up into some bushes, or you go down some stairs, or you go around a corner,

and all of a sudden your hose is, like, just spewing water, And all of a sudden, like, and your hose is like gasping for water. There's nothing coming out. And then up in the garden, you hear, and you know that your hose is twisted around something. And you're just like, come on, the one thing, right? You always got to get hung up on the one stupid thing that's out there. It's almost like the hose It feels like you know

You ever try to pull a puppy for a walk That doesn't want to go for a walk You know you're pulling the leash And the puppy's trying to move backwards And his head's all bent over And the leash is coming up over the back of his head Pulling his ears And he's like clawing his way backwards

And you're pulling him forwards That's what your cord and your stupid hose does Like I'm not going down there I'll be damned if I go down to that part of the garden And I'll be damned if I let master Go to that part of the garden I'm not spraying water down there Where you're in the house is like

Hell no, we're not drilling into that wall I'll be putting an end to that right now Thank you very much As I wrap myself around the edge of this door Or as I jammed myself under the leg of the ladder Uh-uh I call the shots I'm the power cord.

I'm the garden hose, okay? You'll do what I want to do. Holy God. These things are possessed, man. What a piss off. Oh, I just want to chop them all up and put marinera sauce over and make a big bowl of really fat noodles and wires and chunks of hose and just eat them. You think you're in charge? How about this?

some hose and wire Cabanara, huh? How about that? How about I chop you up, throw some meatballs on you, and then we'll see who's the king of the castle, bastards. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

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Visit bemo.com slash the iPorter to learn more. So there's my beef. I'm sure you've been down that road to. If you want to share 888, 500, 20, 90, maybe there's something annoying around your house that I'm missing. Anything annoying happened to you

that you want to tell us about? You can tell us. I'm sharing, won't you 8885? 52090 or write me at harlan williams.com and who knows maybe we'll put you on the air which could be just as annoying hi this is harlan williams on the harland highway with another helpful hint are you feeling lonely no boyfriend or girlfriend no one to talk to or correspond with here's what you do every day when you wake up in the morning, send yourself some emails, type in some romantic notions, some poetry, even some dirty, suggestive, inappropriate love notes, the kind that if you were

working in an office building, you'd be fired for. And then, later on in the day, in the evening, when you're sitting there all alone, staring at the wall, reflecting on how empty your life is, open your computer, and read the romantic, titillating, enticing emails you've written to yourself. Fill that void. Fill yourself up with romance, mystery, and passion. Happy relationship. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlem Williams, here on the Harland Highway. I drove through a water fountain the other day. Have you ever done that?

You ever just driven through a water fountain? You know the kind I'm talking about. They're at the malls. They're at the parks. They're at the Disneylands. They're at the casinos in Vegas, right? The water shoots up in the air and there's four or five or six spurts of water going up in the air.

I drove through one the other day. Well, let me explain. You ever get behind a vehicle, okay, you're sitting in traffic, you're kind of at a standstill, you're behind another vehicle, and they decide they want to spray their windows. So they spray their windows, and lo and behold, their sprayers are so powerful that like five or six jets of water squirt right up over their roof and land all over your window. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, my God, I'm in the Magic Kingdom, I'm in a water, show i'm splish splash i'm taking a bath isn't that weird it almost feels like you accidentally

like rode through a pot of whales everything's spurting all around you and in a way it's no big deal right it's just like water right like you know if it started raining you'd be like okay there's some water but what gets weird about it is is you kind of feel like pissed right because it's like some other guy's water. You get this attitude. It's like, what's that guy doing? What's the guy squirting water on me? What's the guy squirting his anti-freeze,

his windshield wiper washer fluid on me? What the hell, man? Who does he think he is? You know, it's almost like spitting on someone. Did you just spit my face, man? No, that was a windshield wiper fluid. I drink it for breakfast. Oh, okay.

My sinuses just cleared up. You're welcome. but right don't don't you get that little like it's almost like invading your space it's like where does that guy get off squirting his windshield wipers and it comes on to my car i wasn't looking to clean my windows i wasn't looking to do do my windshield wipers what's this guy like my manager now or something what's what's he deciding when i'm going to clean my windows right I don't know.

It's the dumbest thing to get an attitude about, but in a way, isn't it right? And then on the reverse side, have you ever, and I've done it? I hate to be a little bastard, but have you ever kind of sprayed your windows and you knew there was people beside you? And you knew you were going to get them? And you're just like, pss, pps, pss, and you can see it going over onto their car. But you act like, hey, I'm not doing anything wrong, man. I'm just, hey, I'm just squirting my windows. I mean, if you've got a problem, call the manufacturer, you know, get a recallo or something.

Recallel, you know, I can't help it. That's how they made my sprayers. That's where they point. I can't help it if they go up over the roof or off to the side. You know, suddenly you're like the water follies. You're waiting for that actress Esther Willis. Williams from the 30s or the 40s. Remember there was that crazy actress and she did all those movies

where they always took place in water and she'd do like these ballerina moves and she'd have all these other choreographed water babies around her and the whole movie took place in a swimming pool. You know, they'd be out to dinner and just by accident. Oh, what's that over there by the patio? Whoops, I fell in the pool and suddenly it's a big dance number. You know, they're kicking their legs, and they have the camera from over top. It's the bird's eye view, and you're looking down,

and all the swimmers are going around synchronized. And you're just waiting for those people to pop up when you get in one of those overzealous windshield wiper sprayer jobbies. Just waiting for the Esther Williams music to start. And the la-da-da, ooh, look at the show. Oh, look at the choreographed dancing girls and their skimpy bathing suits. La. To keep spraying, buddy, this is getting good.

Lita, la la. Oh, yeah, look at that move. Ooh, look at their legs all going around. Oh, look at their diving. Yeah, right. All it does is put those water spots on your car. You ever see those water spots? Get them from a sprinkler.

Yeah, they like, it's water. It's like little drops of water Hit your car and permanently stay in your car. You get them in your shower. Next time you're in your shower, look on the glass of your shower. You'll see all these water spots and they're hard as hell to get off.

If you leave them too long, they just form a crust and you can't get rid of them. You've got to replace the glass. I'm like, wait a minute, there's water. When did water get so toxic? When did water get so corrosive? If it's gunking up my glass and the metal of my car,

what's it doing to my skin? No wonder I look like a zombie. So anyways, there you go. I guess that's maybe another beef I just had. That's two slices of beef on one show. What the hell is wrong with me, cranky old guy? Again, if you got a beef, if anything, there's weird stuff's happening to you.

Call me. 888, 500, 2090. Let me try and get up. on to something more pleasant enough with the beef, Dr. Williams. Wow, I might have to re-recall-o this podcast any second. Woo! Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams with another friendly tip. Remember, even though it's summer, it certainly does get cold at night.

Don't get caught catching a summer chill as the sun. goes down and the moon comes up. If you find yourself getting a little chilly on one of those colder summer nights, and you don't want to turn the heater on and warm the whole house, you just want to get your body warm, here's what you do. Unplug your laptop computer, shove it down your pants. Just leave it there until the battery runs out. That battery should last for a good three to seven hours,

giving off just enough heat to keep your important areas nice and warm. Yes, laptop heaters. This summer, just another friendly tip for me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. Now, here's a story that I don't even know if many of you are going to believe, but this really happened. What? Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Okay, I'm in the middle of a show.

Line six. All right, put them through. Who is it? What is this? It's just music. What the hell is this? Hello, Holland. It's George Michael calling from the United Kingdom.

Oh, my God. Roger. What's the matter? My name's George Michael, not Roger. Rod. George, Roger. My name's George Michael, not Roger. Okay, what are you doing calling here, Michael?

It's George, Michael. Like, Curious George, the little hairy monkey. Okay, little hairy monkey. No, I'm not the little hairy monkey. Curious George is the little hairy monkey. I'm George Michael. All right, all right. Well, you started it. I did not start it. I'm just calling. Why are you calling? Oh, I know you're having an energy crisis in the United States of America.

Okay, well, yeah, you mean like the gas prices? being so high and whatnot? Well, I don't mean what not, but I do mean the other part. Okay, what not is just another, like a phrase. Well, I'd rather you didn't say whatnot around me. Wow, okay, testy. What about your testes? Nothing about my test.

I said testy. Well, I thought I heard you say testes, and there's nothing I like more than a good round... Okay, what do you want about the energy thing? Well, it seems to me all, and that... everybody's paying a lot of money at the gas pump, right? Yes, George Michael, they are. Thanks for caring.

Look, you don't have to get snotty with me, a little bastard. All right, watch the language. Well, I heard you getting snotting with me. Little bastard, little schoolboy bastard, getting all snotty, standing in the corner of the school yard, being a snotty little bastard.

All right, watch it. I'm not getting snotty. Look, I'm phoned in to try and help you fucking Americans with your goddamn fucking energy bill. Are what? You're like your energy crisis thing. Okay, what do you got for us? Well, what I think is you've got to get more solar power, Ireland.

You've got to get natural gas pipelines, and you've got to get wind power, right? Okay, and what do you propose, Mr. Noadol? All right, I just hear you get fucking snotty again. All right, relax. relax when I put a fucking queen mother boot up your ass. All right. How do we fix the energy problems here? Well, it seems to me there's a lot of people

in the United States of America, right? I'm sorry, what? In the United States of America. All right, I can never get your accent. It's always... All I said was there's a lot of people in the United America. All right, the United States of America.

That's what I said, dumb for. All right, watch the profanities. Look, Arlen, I'm trying to help you fucking Americans, and you're just fucking acting like a little braty snot-nosed schoolboy. Why don't you pull the boogers out your nose and make a fucking booger in glue and go hide in it, your goddamn fucking booger Eskimo? All right, there's no need for calling me a booger Eskimo.

Look, Arland, do you want my help or do you not? I'm George Michael. I've got a lot to do. I've got a recording session later today down in Chessix. I don't have time to fix the United States of America all day long. All right, what do you got? Relax. Well, there's so many people, Arlen. What you do is you put solar panels, right?

Yeah, I know, solar panels. You get all the ugly people in America. What do you mean ugly people? Well, let's be saying, Arlen, there's a lot of bloody ugly people walking around, right? see you can't refute it all there's a lot of bloody uglies walking around all right so there's some ugly people we also got beautiful people too oh i know i've had my hand down the pants of each and every one of them all right what do you want to do with the ugly people well it's like nobody likes to look at them right arland well i don't say that well i certainly don't like to look at some ugly pig with like freckles and pimples and like gap in the teeth and whatnot It's just bloody discussion.

They look like Scottish people. All right, now you're making fun of the Scottish? Well, they're bloody ugly too, Arland. What do you want to do with the ugly people? Well, what we do is we get solar panels, Arlen, right? We get the solar panels and we put them on the ugly people's face. We cut two little eye holes so the uglies can look through the solar panel. We don't have to see the ugly face, right?

But at the same time, we get solar energy. Oh, come on, guy It's George Michael, not guy Cutting, put like a mask On the ugly people's faces Eye holes and they're walking around That's right, we put them out in the sun We let them walk around all day

Eat ice cream and cake And they get fat And they get uglier But we don't have to look at their ugly face And we get free solar energy, Arland You know what? No, no No, no, no, stupid.

All right, what about wind power? Maybe we put a windmill on the face. You want to put a windmill on their face. What about a gas pipeline? We get a big tube. We put it right up the bottom. Oh, stop it. We put it right up the big, fat bottom, Arlitt.

Stop saying up their bottom. Arlum, we're going to get solar power, wind power, up the bottom gas, natural gas, all right. All right, you got to go. I'm not finished, Arlott. No, you are finished, George, Michael. Up yours, up yours, and up the United States of America. Yeah, and up yours, too. What's he doing?

Roger. How did he get through? I don't know. Where is he? I think he hung up. Idiot. Idiot. Never again.

Don't let that guy call through. He's got the dumbest ideas I think I've ever heard. Good, he's gone. Solar panels on the ugly people's face. My apologies, let's get back to the show. Thank you, Roger. Sorry, I can't hear you. Your headphones are...

Something wrong with your mic? Yeah, something wrong with my mic. How about something wrong with my producer? Something wrong with my producer, Roger King, here on the Harlan Highway. puts George Michael through. Come on. Show a little professionalism here, huh? This is a professional podcast, for God's sakes.

And speaking of professional podcast, which podcast wouldn't be a podcast without a Facebook page? And yes, I'm telling you again, because I'm excited about it. You can check it out on Facebook. We now have an official page. It's called the Harland Highway podcast. You can search Facebook and you'll find it and have fun with it.

Put up pictures and videos and ideas and conversations and talk to each other and tell me what you like and what you don't like. And maybe you'll have ideas for the show. Who knows? But it's there, the Harland Highway podcast on Facebook. Have fun. And I'm excited. about it. And by the way, speaking of fun, I am in Cleveland.

I am in Cleveland, Ohio tonight. I will be at a great comedy club theater called Hilarities, Pickwick, and Frollock, right downtown in Cleveland. Two shows tonight, two shows tomorrow, Saturday, and then one show on Sunday. So come and check the kid out. and then the following week, I will be in Baltimore. Yes, indeed, Baltimore at a club on the 16th and 17th,

and I will get you the name of that club on the next show. I'm blanking at the moment. So check me out. Check out Harlow Williams.com. You can leave a letter there for me. You can email me or call us at 888-52090 if you have something you want to say. I might put it on the podcast, 888, 500, 2090. And that's it, man.

That's all we got for today. We kind of went out on a weird note with George Michael, but hopefully the rest of the podcast was palatable. And I guess all I can say is until next time, chicken, chow, maine, baby. Thank you.