The Harland Highway - PODCAST 320

Episode Date: September 14, 2011

Today it's listener MAIL BAG, where I read and respond to all your letters to the Harland Highway. Sweet carbon dated crab cakes!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's raining men, hallelujah. What, we're on? Oh, my God. Sorry. Wow. Okay, it's, uh, what was that? Um, busted singing it's rain and men, hallelujah.

What the hell am I? What's going on with me today? Um, hey, everybody, it is I. It is me. It is she. It is he. It is I. It is I.

iPhone. It is an iPhone. You're talking to an iPhone. No, it's Harland Williams, it's I-Harland. That's what I am. I've been recreated by Apple, and I'm an I-Harland. Welcome, welcome to the Harlan Highway, the podcast that meanders through the annals of your mind. I am the host, Harlan Williams. I am here. I am here to hold your hand to walk you through the entire process. And what a show we have today. This show is about you.

It's not about me. You create the content today, not me. It's all on your shoulders. Today is listener mailbag on the Harland Highway. Yes, all your letters. We have letters from Australia, from Thailand, from Canada, from across the United States. Everywhere the Harlan Highway stretches, I'm going to be reading your silly little letters right here, right now on the

Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human B. God damn it! Letters! Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mailman, mail, today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters.

Let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy! Mailman Mail to date Oh yes Yes yes yes it's that time It's viewer No wait you're not viewers, your listeners

What the hell's the matter with me? What medium am I in? It's listener mailbag And we've got all your letters here I'm not reading every one of them, but I'm trying to get to as many as I can. And these are all real letters that have come in from you, the Harland Highway pavement pounders. And let's just get right to them, okay?

Here's something that excites me. This first letter is from Turf. His name is Turf. I don't know if that's his first name or his last name. I don't know if his first name is Astro. and his last name is Turf, I don't know. But I like the name, Turf. And the subject says, Puket.

Hello, sir. I am currently in Puket, Thailand. I am seeing a lot of cars here with full limo tint, windscreen included. Given your recent running with the law regarding tint, you may consider moving here. In Pouquet, I am also seeing a lot of small trucks. with a dozen people in the back, so maybe you shouldn't move here.

You're a good bloke. Your mom, M-U-M-U-M should be proud. Well, thank you, Turf. You know, first of all, what a thrill to get mail from Thailand, okay? Just to know that the Harland Highway is extending across the pond

over to the other side of the world. It just goes to show you the pavement pounders are ever. everywhere and a hilarious letter. As you know, I did get pulled over. And now there's a little add-on to this story. I got pulled over for having my windows tinted. And here's the add-on.

I was just going to go screw it. You know, it's called a fix-it ticket. You go get your tin taken off. That sounded bad. And then they throw away the ticket. And I was like, you know what, screw it. take the ticket. It's going to cost me more to get my windows scraped off.

Plus, I don't want to have my windows scraped off. So now I found out since talking to you last about it that I'm not allowed to just do that. I have to prove to them that I've scraped my windows off. What a pain. What a window pain. And I like the cops. I'm not dissing the cops. I respect the cops.

But there are some things they do. that just make your life annoying. First of all, it costs me a whack of money to get the windows tinted. Okay? They're not disturbing anyone's life. And now it's going to cost me another, you know, half a day and a bunch of money to get them stripped out. And then it's going to cost me another whatever, half a day, to drive wherever I have to drive and show the cops that I've scraped the tint off my windows.

What a pain. What a dirty, dirty pain. I've got to move to some new turf. Anyways, thank you, turf for that letter. Wonderful letter from Thailand, and I'm officially making you the spokesperson for the Harland Highway in Thailand. I want you to spread the news over there.

so that we get more and more listeners all over the world. So build up that Thai market. Thank you very much. All right, let's get to the next letter. Here we go. All right, this is from Val. It says, you're the best. Wow, okay.

Hi, Harlan. You just read my letter on the podcast. How cool. See, that's the thing. You write in, you might get on the air, and now you're getting on the air again. I couldn't believe it when you started reading my request for poetry from Cinnamon Boy. I listen to your podcast all the time and always look forward to the new ones.

I am now officially obsessed with Justin Schlegel, thanks to you. He is so funny and the two of you together, it's magical. Have you guys ever thought of doing a spin-off together? Well, I don't know what a spin-off is. I don't travel in those circles. I'm straight, okay, but no. I have not considered doing a spin-off with Justin Schlegel. Gross.

Ew, I can only imagine what a spin-off looks like. By the way, Justin will be coming up again on the show in the next two weeks. So keep your ear to the pavement. And let's finish this letter. Also, I loved when you sang with your cousin. You should do that some more. Love your show, and I can't wait to see you in Minneapolis in October. an adoring fan.

And yes, I will be in Minneapolis in October. Check my website. And you know what? Maybe I'll play some more of me and my cousin singing later in the show. Great letter. That's from Val. And let's move on into the listener mailbag. Let's see.

What's this? This is from Courtney motherfucking Oglesby. Subject pointless. comments, dude, this bag would be perfect with my little shoesies. And that is a quote from one of my movies where I play Roberta in sorority boys. And let me do it in the proper voice. Dude, this bag would go perfect with my little shoesies. So there you go.

Here we go. This next letter is from, let's see, this is from Jessica. Subject pineapple. Oh, boy. Hey, Harlan, I just wanted to tell you how much I've enjoyed listening to your podcast. I first heard about you on the Adam Carolla podcast, which I was on just, I think, last week. And I've listened to you ever since. Well, thank you so much.

And she says, thanks for making me laugh out loud every single time I listen to your show. You seriously are responsible for countless smiles. I am a senior at the University of Arizona. Please come to Tucson so I can see you love. in person, thanks. Oh, and I love your chin-ho bit. That's my favorite. P.S. and podcast 294, you referenced the rockabai song wrong.

It's actually by Sean Mullins, not the Goo Goo Dolls. Okay. Well, then I guess everything's going to be all right. Everything's. Thank you for that great letter. And yes, I will be at the improv in Tempe, Arizona. I believe it's in November. It could be October.

It's either October or November. Check my schedule at Harlan Williams.com. Great club, the Tempe Improv in Arizona. So I hope we see you there, Jessica. Come up and say hi. And I'm glad you like the Chin Ho bit because I can't stand it. When that idiot Chin Ho comes in,

he's one of the cops from Hawaii 50. and every time he comes in all his crimes revolve around pineapples and every time he says the word pineapple he plays his stupid police show theme song drives me nuts I don't like I have one guess that doesn't drive me nuts maybe one day I'll get a guess that doesn't drive me nuts

okay let's move on here we go here we got This is from Eric, Subject Cinnamon Boy. Oh, God, here we go. Hi, Harlan. I'm a big fan of the show and love you in every movie I've seen you in, but I just realized something to serving. This evening, while enjoying my coffee with cinnamon creamer and eating hot tamale's cinnamon-flavored candy,

it occurred to me that my favorite cereal is cinnamon toast crunch, and some of my favorite treats are cinnamon buns and cinnamon graham crappers. not crappers, crackers. Out of nowhere, I heard myself yell, I love cinnamon. I didn't even realize I said this out loud, but my girlfriend asked what I said, and I just told her nothing.

I then thought to myself, holy crap, I think I may be Cinnamon Boy. So I was wondering if you've heard of anyone else that shares Cinnamon Boy's condition and if his cinnamon fetish is contagious, your friend Eric E. Dizzle E. Cinnamon isle. Oh, wow. You've got it bad, dude.

You've got it bad. You've got cinnamon fever. That idiot cinnamon boy, I hope you don't have what he has. It sounds like you might. I would go see someone. I would seriously go down to Cedar Sinai. No, I'm not going to say it because it sounds like cinnamon oh god there i just got a little touch of it oh well i'm sorry cut back on the cinnamon

try not to become like that little brat cinnamon boy and uh wow all right we better move on because i don't like to dwell on that idiot here we go this is from anders uh here he says ander says i love falling asleep to your show okay i don't know if this is is going to be a kind letter or not. Let's find out. Hi, new fan here. I love your laid-back approach and silliness. I remember you reading an email from someone who enjoyed listening to your podcast

in order to fall asleep. And I'd like to chime in and say that I like to do that as well. I like listening to you because I don't have to think. The only downside is when I'm half asleep and Dr. Ascotter's Cinnamon Boy appears, those guys are the things nightmares are made of please no more Dr. Ascot he is so terrifying

I couldn't agree more you probably know this by now but it's lullaby by Sean Mullins and I loved it when you sang it on that episode the song is so cheesy but you made it so fun please sing it again also consider singing

other ballads from the 90s like ones by Jewel or Sarah McLaughlin or savage garden. Yeah, I know what you're doing. You want me to sing ballads so you can go to sleep twice as fast when you're listening to the Harlan Highway. Nice try. I see through your ploy. I will not be your sleeping remedy, my friend. But maybe I will. I'm glad you listen to the show before you nod off. I'm like your little bedroom companion somehow. And yes, that's a good idea. Maybe I'll have to sing some more.

I'll find some ballads. Maybe I'll do some karaoke. And, you know, see what happens. Let's keep going here. We got some great letters here in the mail bag. Here we go. Hey, mate, I'm your biggest fan. I am seven foot tall and weigh 500 pounds.

To celebrate your 300th episode, I have pulled on the handbrake and done a 180 and sped back down the Holland Highway right to the start. Oh, boy. Wow, this is cool. Back before you said chicken chow main at the end of every episode, back before Dr. Ascot was a regular, back when the highway was more of a dirt track. Matt Tuffrey, Turf.

Oh, my God, another guy named Turf. I wonder if, but this guy says he's from Fremantle, Western Australia. Wow, I wonder if it doesn't look like the, uh, It looks like, yes, the website, it's the same name, it's the same website, whatever you call it, the same email. I just read two of the same guy. Well, anyways, Turf is back again, and what Turf did is he went back, listened to a whole bunch of the earlier episodes, which you can look at in the archives, or listen to in the archives. I keep mixing up that you can't see me.

and he downloaded about nine of his favorite little bits and I actually listened to them again and it was fun to go back and listen so you know we're into episode this is episode 320 if you can believe it Hey everybody who wants to have better sex No yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex That's what you want it to be better not worse trust me

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away.

That's 50% off. one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. count and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out so there's a lot of archive shows go back and explore go back with turf and explore and let's keep going wow we got a lot of letters here to go through uh here we go this is kennie d harland thank you for all your hard work on the podcast i've been a fan of your work for quite a while your brand of comedy is so capital so refreshing and creative keep up the great work thanks again Kenny D okay thank God that's a D okay because as much as you complimented the hard work of my show which I thank you for acknowledging if it said Kenny G the highway would

have shut down immediately if Kenny G the clarinet guy with the uh susan sarandon hairdo or the the uh bernadette peters you know curly cues i would have had to shut the highway down i can't have keny g listening to this show him and his magic flute that would just be that would be the kiss of death so i'm glad you're kennedy d and not uh keny g so there we go here's one from a guy and name Brad. Brad says, draw for me. Mr. Williams, I run an important company that makes drawings. Will you be an artist for our company and help children have smiles all the best? Well, that's kind of vague. As you know, I do illustrate children's books. I write and illustrate

kids' books. If you want to look at some of them, you can go to harloweems.com to the web store and you can look at some of the artwork, you can order some of the original artwork, you can purchase the books. But Brad, be a little more specific, and, you know, maybe we'll make something happen. No promises, but, you know, let's see what happens, Guy. Here we go.

Let's see. Next letter. We're getting to the end. We're getting to the end. We've got a few more letters, and then we're through the mailbag. but great, great letters. Love hearing from you guys.

This is from Steve, and the subject is depressing little treat. Uh-oh. Here we go, Dear Har-Harr-McFuffin' stuff. Okay. I'm a film student going to be 20, the 19th of August.

The girl I was with for four years just dumped me. I feel like I'm at a crossroads of destiny. Wow. You know, that is depressing. I wouldn't say it's a little treat, but you know what, Steve, life, life is hard. You are at a crossroads. And it's even, I'm going to tell you this, as an older guy than you, I'm not 19, you are. When you're younger, it seems to hurt more because you're a new human being.

You're new to the emotions of love. you're new to the feelings and the feelings of the heart you're new to embracing someone in your life and forming a bond with them and when you're young that can be quite a strong powerful thing because you know you haven't been to that place before and when you kind of meet someone for the first time that you have a powerful relationship with that you're in love with

and it sounds like you were together for four years it can be very, very strong. But you have to persevere, you have to keep rolling. Life is full of experiences. You know, whenever I had a breakup with a girl and my heart was broken and I was feeling down, I would just try to envision or imagine that next first kiss with whoever would be my next girlfriend or my future wife or whatever.

You know what I mean? I pictured those magical moments It's like, okay, that girl's gone, I'm sad, I wish it wasn't over, but I have to move on And I would just envision that Where would I be when I kissed that girl? Where would I be at a party When I just accidentally bumped into that new person

Or at a social function or sitting on a train And I looked over and somehow we connected And what you got to do, Steve, is think about all the magic that's yet to come. because you will feel all these emotions and have all these exciting times and your heart will flutter and your body and spirit will feel alive as you come into a relationship with a new person that you have chemistry with. And I know I sound like your dad right now, but, well, why don't you go to your room and clean up your toy? No, but there you go. It's tough.

I've been there. Sometimes you just want to jump off a bridge. You don't think you'll ever find it again. But, you know, if you're one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, have faith. And like I said, just go to a place in your mind where you're imagining that new beginning and try to picture what it looks like or what it will look like and feel like. And that might help. Okay?

All right. Geez, a feel for the guy, man. Love is one of the craziest things on the planet. It can be the best feeling you've ever had, and it can be the lowest, worst feeling you've ever had. But you just got to keep going and fighting on and hope you can share your feelings with someone new. So there you go.

Little fatherly advice, even though you're not my son. maybe in spirit you are here we go here's a letter from Val maybe this is the same didn't we have a Val earlier I'm getting like double letters from people here let me let me go back

and see here we go I'm looking back I'm looking back is it Val is it Val? We do have a Val earlier I think she was from Minnesota it is it might be the same

Val, so we got another letter from her. Says, hi, Harland. I am not a fisherwoman, but I loved hearing about your recent vacation to a fishing lodge. Maybe you can intersperse more stories about yourself into the podcast, like what you did before you became a comedian and some of your hobbies. I bet you have some great stories. Yeah, I do. Also, please bring back Justin Schlegel.

Yeah, it's the same Val. She's got a thing for Justin. He is hilarious, and the two of you together is comic gold. Keep up the good work, Carl. Yes, Justin is great, and like I said, he will be back in about two weeks. Look at that Val and Turf sneaking in double letters. Wow. All right, let's move on.

I wonder if they'll make it a hat trick. Here's a letter from E.J. Subject podcast, the creepy guy from Chitty Chitty Bang. I was terrified of that guy as a kid. Sometimes I'll quote the guy if I'm offering something. Maybe getting someone a drink or something. I'll say, all free today, kiddies, all free today. In that creepy voice.

Nobody has ever called me on it. Gee, I hope they don't think I am a weirdo when I say that. The voicemail podcast was great. The guy with the fat joke slip up. That was awesome. It was so innocent. plan. So I did a podcast talking about the child catcher from Chitty Bang Bang, and yes, he is creepy. So if some guy comes up to you in a bar and offers you a drink, just know that it's

E.J. Okay? So it says, have a drink. All free today. It's E.J. And thanks for the comment on the voicemail. It was one. I think I took up almost the whole show, deciphering a guy's email or his voicemail and we had a lot of fun it was a great voicemail by the way but there were a few slip-ups that the guy made all right here we go this is from veronica oh veronica i love getting email she emails me all the time veronica is a constant emailer and she loves to correct me and it's hilarious because sometimes you know i just kind of roll through this show i improvise I get on these tangents, I just start talking, and sometimes I use the wrong word, or I mispronounce the word. And I don't even realize I do it, but Veronica writes me and nails me on every word and phrase and artist that I get wrong.

And she's quite intelligent, I can tell, because she always has the right answers. And let's look at her letter here. She says, Veronica, subject dolls. Hey there, some of us girls have dolls, but at least we're not like some men who have full-sized dolls, barf in her mouth. Seriously, I saw a documentary on these dolls, and they are super real and disgusting. And then she signs off by saying barbecue chicken wangs. Well, Veronica, it's spelled wangs, not wangs? No, I get what you're doing.

Well, I did a story about girls that are a little too old to have dolls, and I guess she's She was referencing that. And yes, I've seen the same documentary. There's a company in the state somewhere that makes these real-life dolls. They're like five grand. And they are full-size. They're not like a blow-up doll. These things are like full-form, full-size made of silicon skin and rubber.

And basically, it looks like a human being. And they have a full body with the hair implanted. and eyelashes and all the holes and orifices are designed to be pried open and pleasure a man. And, I mean, you know, they're everything short of a woman unless you put robotics in them. If you could make these things live, you would be fooled about how real they look. And I don't know why I know all these details. I don't have one. Um, I don't have a, uh, a, uh, a, a doll named Sarah.

Uh, sorry, something in my throat. Um, but anyways, um, you know, yeah, it's, it's, it's girls with old dolls, old girls with dolls versus men with, uh, rubber life size dolls. And, uh, you know what, Veronica? I wouldn't knock it. You know, I actually watched that same documentary. I think it was on HBO. And there was one scene where there was a girl goofing with the doll. She was like having like a lesbian fantasy with the life-size rubber doll.

So let's not count our chickens before they've hatched, my fine friend. You might want to experience something before you knock. something or if you want you can knock something while you're experiencing it if you know what I mean hello and let's get down to our last letter oh my gosh there's been a lot and remember you can write me at harlowe williams.com this is a short one this is from eman eamon I wonder if That's Jamaican. I-M-A-M-A-M-A-E-M-A-E-M-M-H-E-M-M-A. How you doing, E-M-A.

I wonder if his father is eBay. Anyways, a quick, quick little shorty from Eamon. He says, awesome book. Okay, and I think he's referring to my book, the things you don't know, you don't know. And as comment is quick, he goes, when's your next book? Well, excellent.

question Eamon. My next book is coming soon. I think it will be here next year in 2012. I am already writing the things you don't know you don't know too. That's T-O-O. And it's the second edition full of incredible facts of things you don't know you don't know. And I'm going to give you one, just a quick little sample of it. Did you know that rocks are what eight dinosaurs? Rocks are what killed the dinosaurs. And how do I know that rocks made dinosaurs extinct? Well, every time you cut open a rock, you find the skeleton of a dinosaur. So obviously the rocks are alive.

They sit there dormant, acting like they don't live. And then when a population of living things gets too big, they just come alive and go nuts and have a corn roast. And so rocks are what killed dinosaurs. So there's a sample. If you want a copy of the things you don't know, you don't know. You can order one at lulu.com. You can go to Amazon.com.

You can go to the iBookstore. If you have an iPad, you can download it digitally. Or you can order it if you want a signed copy by me. I personally autograph every copy. Order your copy on harloughwilliams.com at our web store. and that's the only place you'll get them autographed. But, yeah, I am working on the next one. Thank you for asking.

And boy, oh, boy, it's time. It's time to close up the Harlan Highway mailbag. Here we go. Thank you for all your letters. Another letter from our Mr. Day. And wow, wow, wow, what a session. We used up the whole show reading your letters. And that's fun, man.

I like hearing from you guys. I like hearing what's on your mind. And if you want to express yourself more, don't forget, we have a brand new, exciting Facebook page up called the Harland Highway Podcast. That is up on Facebook. I encourage you to go there. there and write comments, talk to each other, tell your stories, whatever you want to do, just have fun.

And don't forget, I will be in Baltimore this weekend, and guess who I'm going to be with, Justin Schlegel or Justin Ian Daniels is his new name, because no one could pronounce Schlegel. I will be at a comedy club in Baltimore, and I still don't have the friggin' name. So you're just going to have to Google comedy clubs in Baltimore and find it. I'm so bad. So check that out. That'll be September 16th and 17th. It's going to be a great show.

And thanks again for your letters, you guys and girls. Fantastic. You can write to me at harlowewilms.com. Or if you want to leave a voicemail, you know, I love those too. 888, 52090. That's it. We've closed up the mailbag, and until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.