The Harland Highway - PODCAST 321

Episode Date: September 16, 2011

Silent farts, celebrity races, man hands and kooky calves, Quick tips, and Dr. Ascot. Grind your duck pond!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

and saddest of all to see life as it is and not how it should be. Heavy, heavy, heavy words. And a lot of words, a lot of words flying around today because without words, I couldn't do what I call the Harland Highway podcast. I really, if I didn't use words, it would be like this. So I'm going to use a lot of words, okay? I'm Harland Williams. Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway.

What a show today. Oh, my God. We're going to be talking about body parts, specifically your calves and your hands. Oh, way do we get into the hands thing. Very revealing. We're going to be talking about hands in a way you might not expect. We're going to be getting into your calves. It's Friday.

I have to visit with Dr. Ascot. who's a big body part that I won't mention. There's going to be some quick tips here for you today. Have you ever done a silent fart? Yeah, we're going to be getting into that. Big, greasy, silent farts. And then special treat today. We haven't been there in a while.

We are going to the Celebrity Race Track to do some celebrity races, John Candy and other celebrities, right here, on the always popular, Harland, Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway

Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee, God damn it! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I do not want to talk about this topic, but I have to. It's one of those things I have to address. If you're squeamish, if you're faint of heart, if you have respiratory problems, turn the volume down.

Because inevitably, the day had to come where I had to breach the topic of silent farts. Oh, my God. it. And here's why I was on an airplane the other day and I'm sitting up there and I don't mean to be a snob but I'm in first class. Okay, I'm in first class and someone around me

in my proximity had to be in the four seats, five seats that were close to me. Someone was dropping silent farts like we were a B-52 bomber on a

run over Hamburg, Germany in the middle of World War II and we were dropping real bombs on good old Deutschland. Some guy, and I can't tell you who, because they're silent. But I think it was the guy

sitting beside me, but some guy was dropping silent farts all over the first class. This guy was doing first class silent farts. Oh my God. They are stealth, fart. bombers.

And when you're on an airplane, man, you're trapped in there. You're trapped up at 31,000 feet with a silent, deadly fart. It's like having a tiger sneak up on you in the jungle. You know, you're walking through the jungle. By all rights, there should be leaves crackling and twigs cracking, and you should be able to hear a 900-pound Bengal tiger sneaking up behind you. But no, they're predators. They move silently through the underbrush.

Well, that's what a silent fart does, man. You don't see it coming. It just floats around silently. It appears from someone's pants, ugh, and pounces on your nose and attacks it, mulls it like a pack of wild dogs on a stray cat. Ugh. To give you an example, okay, listen,

I'm going to just say nothing. here ready nothing ready listen to this you hear that quiet spot i could have farted right there i didn't i wouldn't do that to you people but that that could have been a silent fart right there you wouldn't know they're silent it's like we go deaf oh man they should put kazoos in the seats on airplane so anyone trying to sneak out a silent one you just hear Somehow the wind passes through a kazoo, and it's a dead giveaway. If you're on an airplane or anywhere, have some respect and at least speak up when you fart. I'm going to step on the gas and get away from the silent fart.

One of my producers just did here on the Harland Highway. Ah, yes, good old bodily functions. And speaking of bodily functions, we all have two. pieces of our body two parts of our body that serve a function your calves your calves and your ankle area

and I don't know who named them calves I mean wasn't there enough words in the in the universe I mean isn't a calf a baby cow like oh my god those high heels really accentuate

your calves Okay, I got to go. But calves are a under, what do I'm going. But calves are a under, what do I want to say, not underrated, but an under-observed part of the body, if that's even a word, under-observed, and if it's not, I'm making it a word. Because I don't know if you go to a gym or you go to the beach or whatever, but calves can really send a person's body out of whack.

You know, it's like you ever see a guy and he's, you know, maybe a good-looking guy or a normal-looking guy, his head's proportioned, his upper body's proportioned, his upper legs are proportioned, and then you cut down to, but below the knees. And, of course, they've got to be wearing shorts or a swimsuit or whatever. And you go below the knees. And if you notice a lot of time, calves and ankles are out of whack with the rest of the body.

I saw a girl at the airport the other day wearing little shorts, beautiful, tall girl, probably like 21 years old, long blonde hair, very attractive, tan legs. And then it was bizarre. Her little calves tapered down. to the tiniest little ankles and the tiniest little feet. It almost looked like a DeSalvador Dali painting. Almost her lower calves, almost scarecrow-like.

Right? And then at the gym a lot of the time, you'll see a guy who's kind of buffed out and he's cut and he's ripped and his upper body's really proportioned and his upper legs are muscular. And then you cut down to the... and you're like, it's like one of those books you played with as a kid.

Remember as a kid that used to have those books and it had three parts in it? You could flap the pages and you'd flap the top part and you'd have someone's head and then you'd flap the middle part, you had their torso and then you flap the bottom part and you had their lower part, right? And you could switch the clothing and the type of person. So suddenly a football player was half a woman. or a businessman was half Eskimo or whatever. That's what it looks like.

It's just like, oh, there's a normal looking guy. Oh, what the hell happened beneath his knees? What's that? He's got like little skinny. His boys, he's got boys' legs. Like the rest of his body is clearly like 42, and his calves look like he stopped growing at 9. Did you ever notice that or is it just me?

It's just weird calves can Calfs and ankles can totally throw a body off kilter Can totally screw up the shape of the body So I don't know do a do a check get in front of a mirror Make sure your caps are in order Not you guys Up yours yes um so i'm just saying are you are you totally proportioned or do you get wacky beneath the

knees oh god and i bring it up because i've seen it enough i've seen you know you see it a lot it's weird it's like that was the one spot where god got lazy it's like everything else fits face head shoulders chest abdomen pelvis upper legs femur and then and below the knee, whose legs are those? So do a check. Make sure your caps are in order. And if not, you know, get to a veal farm and slap them around a little.

Yeah. One minute to post time. We're approaching the gate. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley at the Holland Highway. Celebrity races today. Four fabulous celebrities, John Leguizamo from Broadway. Nellie Frittano's Popsing extraordinaire. John Candy, comedian, and William Shatner, Captain Kirk himself from the Starship Enterprise. A beautiful sunny day. All the celebrities in the gate, and there they go. The gate has just

opened, and there they go, ladies and gentlemen, storming down the track. It's Nellie Fritano in the lead. men like legs charging down the track through the dirt through the mud John Candy having a tough time obviously a heavy set man having a tough time but giving it a go running as fast as he can William Shackner at the age of 922 tearing down the track something out of the extraordinary with that man he just doesn't seem to quit and John Liguizamo John Linguishamo in the lead but wait John Linguishamo is stopped It looks like he's doing another one-man show. He's stopped in front of the crowd.

He's doing a one-man show. Popping in and out of several different characters. They're just not that good, but he's trying his best. And Nelly Frittato. Nellie Frittado has stopped. Nellie Frotado has stopped, and she's pulled out some placards. She's holding up cards. It looks like they say Frue and then Tart, and then...

Oh, she's teaching the audience how to say and enunciate her last name. Fronado. And William Shatner, William Shatner and John Candy tearing down the track. John Candy getting a little ahead of William Shandah. William Shandner has pulled the wig off his head. William Shatner has thrown his wig over John Candy's eyes. John Candy cannot see where he's going. John Candy falls.

John Candy rolling down the track like the blueberry child from the Willy Wonka movies. He's rolling, oh, and he's just rolled over John Liguizamo as he went into another character from another one-man show. And Nellie Frattano has been crushed. But look, her men like legs. Her men-like legs are still thundering down the track. It's Nellie Frittato's legs. John Candy's rolling.

William Shander has finally had a stroke, and he's spasming on the track. He's down, and he's spasming. It's John Candy rolling. Nellie Prattano's legs. It's going to go down to the wire. John Candy just farted, and John Candy is blowing past Nellie Brutano's legs.

It's John Candy. rolling across the finish line. Nelly Fritano's man-like legs coming in behind. John Liguizamo, dead, crushed by John Candy, and William Shatner finally having a stroke the way he should be at his age. I'm Charles Parsley. Thank you for joining us for celebrity races

at the Holland Highway Racetrack. Hey, Harlem, I never thought I'd actually be calling in. And the first thing I say is I love the cocky ass of a pussy, but I do. I love the cocky, ass, and pussy. Talking about your cartoon, of course, I just feel like everything you touched and we need to call it up, everybody. You put it darn funny, and keep it up, man. Keep the funny coming, and I'll be listening.

Thanks a bunch. Okay, yes. The cock, the ass, and the pussy. I know. It's a hard thing to say. It feels weird saying the cock, the ass, and the pussy. But in case you missed it, he's referring to a new animated cartoon that me and a buddy of mine have up on YouTube. It's just kind of a little hobby cartoon we've been doing on our spare time.

It's called The Cock, the Ass, and the Pussy. It's about a rooster, a cat, and a donkey. The cock, the ass, and the pussy. the couple of little two, three-minute cartoons. We're working on the next episode. You can check it out at YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. Okay, so that's YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. And you can personally look, have eyes on the cock, the ass, and the pussy.

And we appreciate your feedback. Thanks for calling in and letting us know. And like I said, we are working on episode three. And we will let you know when that is up on the Internet Super Highway. And speaking of asses, it's that Friday, it's that Friday where I have to do my therapy session with you know who, Dr. Ass caught. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your

life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I hate this guy. So let's just get it over with. Let's get this idiot in here. and let me just get through another stupid therapy session

with Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Arland. Ascot. Thank you, Arlund. Why do I have to say your name so clearly, and you say mine like, Alland?

You don't even pronounce the H. Holland. What are we doing? today, Guy? Don't call me Guy. My name is Dr. Ascot, Arland. What are we doing today, Ascot? Doctor.

Dr. Ascott? What are we doing today? Holland, take it easy. It's hard to take it easy being around you. What's with the yellow pants? Holland. What are we doing? Holland, today I want to talk to you about separation anxiety. Okay, what does that mean?

Have you ever had a dog, Holland? Yes. And sometimes when you go away on a long trip, the dog experiences separation anxiety. Okay, yeah, I've heard of that. Basically, a dog cannot handle being away from its master, Arland. Okay.

Well, I wondered if you ever had separation anxiety. What are you talking about? Well, as we get older, we get away from our families and our loved ones, Ireland, and it creates unexpected anxiety and panic attacks. No, I don't think I've ever had a panic attack or experienced anxiety by being separated from anyone. Well, let's test the theory, shall we, Arland? What do you mean, test the theory? I have here in my hands a plastic bag, Holland. Okay, and what are you going to do with the plastic bag?

Well, you'll see in a minute, Holland. Oh, no, I don't like where this is going. You've got a plastic bag. I put the plastic bag over your head, Holland, so now you can't see me or anything. What the hell are you doing? Putting a plastic bag over my head, I can barely breathe. It looks like you're amped up, Arland. Yeah, I'm amped up.

I can barely breathe under there. That's called anxiety, Holland. That's called separation anxiety. No, it's not. You just made that up. because I couldn't see anything. You cut me off from the rest of the world, and there was no...

Just a little longer, All of them. That's right, Holland. So you see, Holland, you really do have separation anxiety, Holland. You idiot! What's the matter with you? You can kill me doing this stuff. You can't put bags over people's hands to separate them for the rest of reality? I just did it to you, Holland, and it proved my theory.

What stupid theory? That you have separation anxiety, Arlen. I do not have separate... Help, Arlen. That's right, breathe calmly, Arlen. Are you insane? Dr. Ascot? Holland, I'm just trying to teach you not to worry about having separation anxiety, Arland.

This little test proved that you're a murderer. Get out of here! Holland, I'm not done yet. I have a paper bag I'd like to try on your head. Oh, no, you're not. Get out of here! Goodbye, Holland. We're going to have.

Oh, idiot. Well, I can't hold this in any longer. We're talking about body parts, right? I was talking about your calves, your big greasy calves. and how weird they look. Well, I might as well keep going on the body part theme, and I want to talk about man hands, okay? And I'm going to get into the whole tranny world.

The people that, you know, go from being a man to a woman or a woman to a man, they get the surgery done, okay? And the one thing they can't really alter that they can't trick us with is the hands. and it occurred to me I was on a flight not too long ago and I get on the flight and the stewardess is, you know, the flight attendant up front is when I got on, she kind of struck me as a little weird. I was like, oh, is she attractive or is she, I don't know, just something felt a little off. I wasn't sure how to take her. I couldn't tell if she was, if she was ugly, if she was good looking, she was kind of, something was nagging at me. And I just let it go, and I was like, you know, I went and sat down in my seat.

And as we're going along, I kind of kept looking up, and there she was. And I kind of noticed the way she walked was a little interesting. She was like, oh, huh, interesting, like petite woman, very kind of tight clothing. It looks like she has a nice figure, but that walk seems a little weird. and I thought nothing of it. I just went back to my magazine and then came the little demonstration thing, right? They had to do the demonstration

where they hold up the seatbelt and they hold up the safety card and they got to point down the aisles and point to the emergency exits. And as she got in position to do that, I noticed she was standing weird. She was standing with her hands behind her back. And I was like, that's an odd posture to have.

Why is she kind of got her hands behind her back? And then she started going into the thing. And I decided to look at the hands, and I noticed that her hands were way disproportionate to the rest of her body. They were big hands. They were thick fingers. They had the veins. Ladies and gentlemen, they were man hands. Okay?

They were manhands. They did not match this woman's. body. There's no way a woman could have hands like this unless she was like, you know, maybe a Latvian gypsy who was born in a mountain top freak farm or something. And then I started like checking out the rest of her. Like I started examining closely and I noticed kind of a strong jaw line and there was a scar on her throat where let's say maybe an Adam's apple had been shaved down or cut out or something if that's even possible and i started trying to picture this woman without kind of the hairstyle and the makeup and and then i ghastly thought i had to start kind of imagining what

was under her little skirt oh god and that was creepy no matter what i found i was i whether she was a man or a woman the hands freaked me out so now i i couldn't have looked at anything down there anyways without getting goose pimples. But I'm telling you, man, these hands could have crushed a watermelon. I mean, she had the hands of Brett Fav, man. I was afraid to ask for a drink. Could I get a Coke, please? Sure, catch.

Touchdown pass. She's got NFL Super Bowl champion hands. The only missing was the Super Bowl ring. These were man's hands. All right, this flight. attendant could chop down a tree this flight attendant could be splitting logs chopping wood i mean this is a flight attendant who should be out hammering railroad spikes into railroad track i mean good lord remember when darth vader grabbed that guy and picked him up with one hand and he was floating in the

air off his feet this girl this flight attendant could have picked all of us up with one hand on us around and threw us off the plane I'm sorry but I think this girl was a man this girl had man hands and it was weird and she was trying to hide them she knew she went through all kinds of long painful expensive surgery

but they could not cut off her hands his hands whatever it was oh yeah you're busted you're busted lady I mean, Mr. I mean, ma'am, I mean, sir, I mean, whatever you are. And it's just weird. It's weird. It's almost Frankensteinish. Remember Frankenstein? They took all these different body parts from dead people and sewed them all together and made one like human. That's what it looks like. It's like, here's this body, this person that completely looks like a woman. and then you get to these hands, you know,

that could strangle a grizzly bear to death. It was just weird. And I don't know. I got to wonder if a guy goes out with that girl. Does he know what he's getting to? Do people like that spill the beans? Okay, listen, John, I know this is our third date. I just want you to know.

I need you to know that I used to be Carl. Excuse me? Yes, I used to be Carl, and now that we're dating, I'd be happy to serve as a jack for your car if you get a flat. What do you mean? Well, these hands, I can just lift your car right up while you change the tire. Well, that's a bonus. I think I like this. So, I don't know. Does he, she spill the beans? Do you tell someone out of the gate that you used to be a man?

or does a guy have to find out the hard way? And when I say the hard way, I'm talking in the sexual context here. Does a man find out the hard way that she used to be a he when maybe they're having a little sexual fun and a hand goes around the boyfriend's member

and the hand is very strong and big and the boyfriend halfway through the pleasuring is like, wait a minute, who's touching me? Am I doing this to myself? No, it's me. No, it can't be you. It's got to be me. I must be doing it because that's a man's hand.

Well, now that you bring it up, yes, I used to be Eddie. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I don't know, man. Watch for the hands. Maybe next time you're out on a date before you get physical, just ask your date.

Say, hey, Cindy, yes. Would you mind before we make out doing something for me? Sure, what is it? With one hand, would you lift up my fridge, and with the other hand, would you punch through this brick-mortar wall, please? No, I don't. will not. I mean, no, I will not. So there you go. Watch for the clues. And I'm just looking out for you right here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here with another friendly reminder. Are you doing a bit of traveling, going to the cottage, going on a road trip with loved ones? And are you sick and tired of paying the toll at those annoying toll booths?

Yes, every 30 miles you have to pull up, find some change, and throw it in the little basket to continue your journey. Well, now you don't have to. To avoid paying those annoying fees, here's what you do. Before you get to the toll booth, pull your car over and spin it around backwards. Drive through the toll booth backwards, and the attendant or the video, camera watching the toll booth will think you're going the other way. Yes,

nothing beats driving more than free driving. Just another friendly tip from me, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Ah yes, nothing like a friendly tip to help us get through life, my child.

And speaking of getting you through life, if you want to have some laughs in your life, check me out this weekend in Baltimore I will be at a comedy club in Baltimore I still don't know the name I'm so bad but just type in Baltimore comedy clubs on Google and you'll find it just look for my name it's September 16th and 17th I will be there and it's going to be great it's going to be fun come on out and check the kid out live And don't forget, if you want to see the cocked the ass and the pussy cartoons,

go to YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. That is a special YouTube page just for the cocky ass and the pussy cartoon. And I hope you enjoy that. Don't forget to hit harlomwilums.com. You can send me an email there, or you can go to the web store and pick up some cool merch. Or if you want to leave a phone, message 888-52090 and I always love hearing from you so that's it man another episode of the

harland highway goes to bad and hope you had a great time always love having you here please tell your friends about the highway why you get why you got to hog it to yourself so so selfish so mean um share the laughter share the madness and uh And don't forget the new Facebook page, if you want to go and goof around, it's called the Harland Highway podcast. You'll see a picture of me there and a purple shirt with my sunglasses on. Get on there and have fun. Start talking to each other, all the pavement punders, goofing around, sharing their highway experiences. Show us pictures of your road trip down the Harland Highway.

I can only imagine the pictures you will put up. We're having fun here. Thanks for being here. And until next time, everybody, chicken chau-may, baby. They should put kazoos in the seats on airplanes. So anyone trying to sneak out a silent one, you just hear...