The Harland Highway - PODCAST 322

Episode Date: September 19, 2011

Pickup truck magic, Charlie Lee tries out a new dish on Harland, Russia takes over the north pole, quick tips, bi-polar discussion, and Harland promo's his new Disney movie Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, boys and girls. This is Paul Bunyan. Welcome to the Harland Highway. No, it's not Paul Bunyan. I tried to trick you. That's not nice. Why do I trick people right out of the gate on my own podcast? It's Harlan Williams, Lord of the Jungle, and welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm glad you could make it. We are going to have some fun today rolling down the highway. We're going to be talking about the beauty of filling up the back of a pickup truck. Uh-huh, yeah. Aren't you excited? We're going to go for a visit with Charlie Lee at the Munglo restaurant.

He wants me to sample one of his new menu items today. We're going to have a quick tip for people. We're going to be talking about the North Pole and Russia. Looks like we got a bit of trouble brewing from a good old Russia. trying to stake out some new territory. Anybody out there bipolar? Yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, yes. Well, if you are, I've got a little bit of a rant about it.

You know, I think we've all run into people who are bipolar. So we're going to talk about that. And then I've got an exciting new announcement. My new movie comes out on the 20th of September. Got to check it out. I'm going to talk about it. Right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harlan. Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it! You're listening to the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. I don't know if this is scary or not scary, but it looks like Russia has decided after all these years to lay claim to the North Pole. At a nowhere, they decided that it's their territory. and they own it and they planted a flag in it like it's the moon or something

the North Pole is Russian according to them I guess they forgot to check in with Canada and the rest of the world to make sure this was okay but if it is yours congratulations on all your new snow

congratulations on your ice alert the wildlife up there that they are now officially Russian. I guess the polar bears better enroll in some night school classes to learn the dialect. Seals, walruses, Arctic foxes, snow geese, snow owls, killer whales, belugas. You've got the whole kitten caboodle. Way to go, Russia. What are you going to do with all that now that you own it?

What does one do with newly acquired whale species and walrus and Russian polar bears? Hello, I'm a Russian polar bear. I see your documents, please. Uh, look, man, I just came up here to go to bargaining. Turn around right now. This is Russian territory. Look, I want to go to bargaining. I will eat you. Okay, I'm going. Thank you very much.

I don't know. what's next for Russia we own the water we own we own the ocean we're sticking a flag in the ocean that's ours too oh look at that the sky nobody's claimed the sky yet

that's ours we have the sky everybody out of the sky that's our property get off get the hell off on property you little bastards wow man nail your stuff down

Russians are going to grab it. Oh, well, there goes my plans to go tobogging, seal hunting, ice fishing, and making snow angels. Better get my passport in order. If I want to have a snowball

fight, yes, that is correct. I'll be quiet. Don't tell me to be quieter. I will throw an icicle at your face. Okay. Getting cold in here. Keep on motor and on your toboggin right down the Harland Highway.

And speaking of a lot of geography, how about this? I went down to a buddy's place in Florida. And he let me go down there and stay at his pad, nice place. And, you know, he hadn't done any yard work for years. And I'm talking a decade. I'm talking almost two decades, okay? this guy was one of those guys had a nice place but had no concept of gardening or trimming or managing the plant life and I was staying at this place and I rented a vehicle to get down

there and I rented a pickup truck and you know I drive a pickup truck at home and I like pickup truck so I rented a pickup truck and I get down to his place and I'm one of these guys it's like I got an eye for landscaping. You know, I like landscaping. You know, I like getting into the bushes and cutting and trimming and shaping and planting. All of it, right? So I go berserk.

I go berserk on his property. I'm ripping down old palm trees and shrubs and I cut down a couple of cedar trees and I pruned all these trees that we're talking like branches as thick as trees that's how long it's been since it's been pruned and just i'm talking i'm joking when i say piles of stuff and when i say piles i'm talking like six foot piles of brush okay so i got this pickup truck and i'm like wow okay i mean this is kind of a remote place so this this this area works on a garbage dump still okay and uh so i've got this

pickup truck and I'm like wow after I cut everything down I was like god I I cut all this stuff down now I got to get rid of it look at all this stuff this is going to be 40 trips to the garbage dump and so what I do is I start loading I got the gloves on I got the wife beater on you know I got the jeans I got the leather gardening gloves and I'm getting scratched and ripped up and I'm bleeding and ticks are crawling on me and spiders and and there's crickets in the bed of the truck and even a couple of crabs somehow got in there.

When you're in Florida, there's always a crab somewhere. And I'm tossing stuff in there. I'm tossing the brush. And the sun's baking me and I'm dripping. And I'm all by myself. And I'm like, oh, God, look at that. There's a mountain of brush in the back of the pickup. And I still got 100 miles high to go.

so I climb up into the back of the truck and I start stomping right I'm crunching and I'm crunching and lo and behold this big pile gets crunched right down and nothing and I'm like wow so I throw another pile I'm thinking surely this is it crunch crunch crunch wow I still got room I throw another big pile I must have thrown about six piles on there crunched them down and I'm amazed at how much the bed of a pickup truck holds if you get up there and crunch the bushes down

and I guess it makes sense right because it's all branches and they're sticking out and they're taking up room and they're creating all these air pockets and I just keep crunching and crunching and crunching and I ended up making about six or seven trips to the garbage dump and it took me longer to pull the crap out of the truck

because I'd crunch so much of it down than it did putting it in, it seemed like. And the point of my story is, wow, I was just amazed at how much stuff, how many bushes you can crunch into the back of a pickup truck. It's deceiving and it's kind of cool because I was, At one point, I was like, man, I think we're going to have to pay someone to come in and haul this stuff away. But then once I got going, I was like, whoa, hey, look at this.

Look at this little dilly. Look at this dilly delight, Dillie the pickle. And so there you go. I'm just saying if you have a lot of bushes hanging around or you're doing gardening, go get a pickup truck and get some big fat boots, maybe wear some snow shoes or something, and just stomp your, bushes down and you'll get a lot of mileage out of the back of that flatbed on your pickup truck man so there you go a little tip for you um next time you're uh you know chopping trees and hauling shrubs like that's ever going to happen maybe this whole segment was just a waste how many of you realistically will ever go out and do what i just do what i just

describe probably nobody but you never know so there you go there's a bit of hope at the end of the tunnel if you're hollum bush all right let's keep going here let's take one of your phone calls how about that see what's on your mind here on the harland highway hey hi-ha what's up man i got a call you i caught you the other day you know i told you about the pavement pounders how it sucked and so do you i'm pretty sure i said i was just kidding after that But if I did that, I don't remember. That's what you know. I love you, man.

Everything you do. Podcast, your stand-up, your movies, it's all great. All Rocket Man, of course, where you got your Farley brothers. I watched that big, fat, Greek wedding chicks movie because you were in it. Just want you know, I love you. And I would be honored to share a double sync with you. Well, well, well. Hey, you know what?

You're allowed to say I suck. I can take it. I know not everyone's going to love everything I do, but I'm appreciative that you do like it. And yes, I got it that you were just kidding, but thank you for checking in. Thank you for caring about my feelings. And, you know, I guess we could share a double sink one day.

I did a bit a few months ago about why we have double sinks, and I guess now I know why, because this gentleman would like to share one with me. So now I've got to go get double sinks. And I love the comment about that chick from my big fat Greek wedding. Neovardolos, I did a movie with her over in Spain and Greece a couple of years ago called My Life and Ruins. What a great time that was, man. Hey, everybody.

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Don't throw your back out. We'll talk about fun movie making. I spent four or five weeks in a hotel on the shores of the Mediterranean in Spain and then like 10 days in Greece hanging out at ancient historical monuments and relics and structures, unbelievable. Fun little movie, cute movie, and thank you for watching all those movies.

I hope you enjoyed them, and I do have a new movie out I should tell you guys about. If you've got kids, I don't know if you ever saw the Air Bud movies, where you got the Flying Golden Retriever, right? It's a Disney movie, and they did a spin-off where it's Air Budds Puppies, and they're called Buddies. There's no more air. It's just buddies. And I'm in this movie called Spooky Buddies. It's supposed to be out this month on DVD.

It's a straight-to-d-d-d-d-d-movie and a really cute movie, and it's the first movie ever where I play a bad guy. I play the villain in the whole movie. I play this evil warlock Warwick the Warlock And it was a great time Great fun movie to do I haven't even seen it yet I think they're having a premiere any day now

Here in Holly Weird But it's one of those ones you're rented Or you download it And if you have kids If you have a family Great family movie And you get to see me Being a bad guy for the first time

They had me flying around on wires up in the sky. I'm not kidding. They had me 80 feet up in the sky, 60 feet, flying over churches and flying over graveyards. I was coming in over treetops. I was flying off the roof of the town hall. I mean, it was a blast.

I mean, you know what it's like to just be hanging from a cable and flying through the air? And they're like, okay, Harlem, we're going to get a stunt man. And I said, screw the stunt man, dude. Think I want him to have that fun? Put me in the harness. I want to fly. So here I am with I got long hair and a beard,

and I've got a flowing robe, and I've got a mustache, and I've got a, like, these boots, and they've strapped like a specter, a big wooden stick with a glowing orb on the end of it to my boots. And I'm riding through the air like I'm surfing on this, this wooden stick. And I'm chasing kids down the road, down the sidewalk.

Are you kidding me? This thing was a riot. So there you go. That's my new movie coming out this month at some point. I think they have it at Walmart and all the places you can rent DVDs, but it's a great new family movie, a Disney movie. I do a lot of edgy movies, a lot of edgy comedies. I got to tell you, it's fun to do just a good old-fashioned, you know, family film, nice and clean.

It's kind of a good feeling. You're kind of giving something to the kids. And I got to tell you, it was fun playing a bad guy. You know, it was fun channeling kind of that evil, like, you know, crazy wizard warlock. Now, I don't know if it's a movie that'll be for all of my listeners, my fans who are you. used to like the half-baked and the something about Mary's stuff. But, you know, I put my comedy spin on it. It is a comedy, even though I play a bad guy.

He's kind of a goofball. And, you know, you might want to check it out. But definitely if you have kids, if you have a family, check out Spooky Buddies. Walt Disney's Spooky Buddies, where you'll see me as Warwick, the Warlock. Woo-hoo-ho-ho-hoo. I sense you puppies are in danger. Only if we end up at your groomer.

Disney Spooky Buddies, an all-new movie on Disney Blu-ray and DVD, September 20th. Did somebody say boo-ray? So there you go. It looks like it's actually coming out tomorrow. Okay, September 20th. It comes out tomorrow. So go out, get ready to be scared, but also laugh at the same time. Speaking of scary, oh, listen to this next segment where, yeah, it just gets really freaking scary.

Well, this is exciting. I have been invited by Master Chef Charlie Lee over at Charlie Lee's Moonglough restaurant, Chinese restaurant. And I guess he's excited. He called up the studio. He said he's introducing a brand new menu item. and he wants us to come over and try it and promote it and hey i'm not an idiot i'll take some fine free chinese food any time so come on with us we're heading over to uh the munglow tavern uh charlie lee's chinese restaurant here we go

hey charlie how you doing oh how you do holly highway guy well i'm doing good i'm uh i'm here i brought my Appetite? Oh, very, very nice, because Charlie Lee got a brand new menu item for Funny Guy. Wow, I cannot wait. You know how I love Chinese food. Oh, Charlie, no, that's why Charlie call you. He want you to try out brand new Munglo restaurant item. Okay. What is it? Like a shrimp pork thing or a wonton or why don't you leave menu up to me, funny guy? Well, I'm just asking.

I mean, I'm excited, isn't it, some kind of noodle dish? Or maybe it's like a roll, like an egg roll or a spring roll? Why are you not just leave to Charlie Lee? Why are you bust in here like a Hershey Cowboy? A what cowboy? You heard me. Hershey Cowboy. I don't know what a Hershey Cowboy is, Charlie.

Well, maybe you just sit down and Charlie bring you a brand new Munglo restaurant item. Okay. I'm sitting down, I'll put this little bib on. Yeah, you put bib on, Terriaki. All right, what is it? Here you go. Come on, bring our order. Come on, waiter.

A stupid waiter got cross eyes. Well, don't say that. Well, he got cross eyes. He looked like Mongo. All right, can I just get the item? All right, don't get pushy first, Bueller's day off. What? Here you go.

Brand new mungro item from Charlie. Lee right in front of you. Wow, what is this? It's big and it's round. It looks like it's kind of fried. Yeah, it's delicious. You try. Well, what is it, Charlie?

Is this like some kind of a big round, deep-fried noodle dish? What is this? No, this Charlie Lee got onion ring. I'm sorry, what? Onion ring guy? What do you mean, an onion ring? Charlie Lee, make an onion ring. ring funny guy what if what is there's nothing oriental or chinese about an onion ring look at the size of

that onion ring that onion ring very very large well it is large i mean this thing's almost a foot and a half long well there you go americans love the funny onion ring so charlie lee make a onion ring to attract new customer to moon glow. Well, I get where you're the logic, Charlie, but I mean, come on, this isn't exactly, you know, Asian cuisine here. Why you not try it before you jump down Charlie's throat, Ferris Bueller day off? Would you stop calling me that? Just try to onion ring, funny guy.

All right, hey, that's why I'm here, right? That's right, gabble-blabber. Stop it. Try to onion ring. All right, here we go. Okay, kind of greasy. Please eat some more and stop talking. All right, I'm eating.

Okay, it's kind of good. There's a bit of a rank taste to this thing, I'm afraid to say. Oh, don't be saying rank in front of customers. Well, I'm sorry there's this kind of weird aftertaste. It's like a minty, kind of a skanky, hot. hollow smelling. Oh, stop it, funny guy. You're going to wreck my new onion ring, doesn't it? Well, how exactly did you make these stupid, these onion rings? Are gigantic. Oh, Charlie Lee take an onion. Okay. And Charlie Lee stretched the onion out. That's all. All right. Well, that sounds

simple, but how did you stretch the onions out? Do you have some kind of a, some kind of cooking device that stretches them out? No, Charlie just get raw onion. Okay. And he stretched it around toilet seat in men's bathroom. What? I told you, funny guy, I stretched it an onion around a toilet seat. Stretch it an onion, stretch it out, and then deep fry my giant onion ring. Are you kidding me? I just ate onion toilet rings? Onion rings, funny guy. You stretched them on a toilet seat and deep fried them? Hold on. What the hell is this?

I got a... There's a hair stuck in my teeth. Oh, that's not a hair. That's a pubic hair, funny guy. Oh, my... I'm out of here, Lee. Yeah, why don't you get out of here? You're not very good for business anyhow.

Yeah, well, you're... Oh, God, I feel sick. You make my customer sick. Get out of here. That's a last... Toilet seed onion, ring. Oh, get out of here, Ferris Bueller. Why don't you take a day off, Ferris Bueller?

And stop calling me Ferris Bueller. Oh, day off. I'm out of here, Lee. Get out of here, Terriaki. You want to take some onion rings to go? I throw them around your neck like ring toss. Get out of here. I'm getting out of here.

So long, Ferris Bueller, day off. Loser? Unbelievable. God. Disgusting, guys stretch his onions around the toilet seat in the men room at the Moonglow restaurant. Oh, God, there's another hair. Oh, God, it's red. I got a red, oh, red puby.

Disgusting. I'm never going back there. Good, we don't want you, funny guy. Fares pulythe off. Get out of here! Wow. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. Never, nothing ever really works out well for me here on this podcast.

I've got to figure out some guests where I have a good positive outcome. Every one that comes on here I end up getting abused or hurt or tormented or violated or it's just, it's starting to stack up against me. If any of you have any ideas for guests that are more positive, please let me know. You can write to me at harlowe Williams.com, or you can call me 888, 500, 2090. I mean, from Dr. Ascot to Cinnamon Boy, it's just people berating me and beating me down.

And, God, just stress is killing me. So don't forget to write to me or call me. and don't forget to check out the cartoon, the new cartoon, the cock the ass and the pussy. It's about a rooster, a donkey, and a kitty cat. It's at YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon. Check it out, player. It's something that I created and directed,

and my buddy Dave did the animation, and it's just a short little clips. and good stuff. Good, good stuff. Oh my goodness, I'm so happy to be here. I'm just having such a good time. What the hell are we doing here? Let's get out of here.

I hate you. Okay, there was an example of some heavy-duty bipolar disorder. You know, I'm not necessarily making fun of it because I understand it's an affliction and it needs to be treated. But I guess my commentary here today is, man, is it tough? Oh, my God.

Especially, have you ever been in a relationship with someone with the bipolar? Not easy, man. It is taxing. It is grueling. You need a lot of patience because one second you can be skipping down the lane, whistling and singing and giggling and kissing. And in the amount of time it takes for a leave to blow out of the tree and hit the ground, you could be with someone who's angry and fighting, antagonistic, and bitter.

It's like Jekyll and Hyde, man. What do you do with a person like that, man? Here, take some pills. Here, have some Vicodin and some Paxil, some Zortax. Here, I have a pack of Mentos. Here's some tic-tack, some M&Ms, some lifesavers. Let's just get back to the skipping and the whistling, shall we? Oh, I'll give you skipping and whistling.

Oh, easy, Taz. Easy. What are you talking about? Well, you were just turned into the Tasmanian devil. I don't know what you're talking about. Can we just whistle together? I would love that. Okay, let's whistle.

Isn't this fun? It sure is. Blabblabblab. Oh my God, you're back. Jetco and hide. And I think I indeed will go and hide. Next time I run into someone that's all my stuff like that.

Harlem Williams, hiding on the Harlan Highway. Oh, and I won't be hiding this weekend. No, no, no, no, I won't. If you want to see me, I will be in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada doing stand-up comedy at the comic strip in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Great, great comedy club. If you want to get tickets, you want to reserve in advance, go to the comic strip. dot CA. CAs for Canada.

Thecomic strip. comic strip.C.A. Reserve your tickets for the kid and we are going to have a blast. Get your tickets early. It's probably going to be a blowout. So I don't want anyone to be disappointed. I'm going back home to my own country where I was born.

And I usually have a great turnout when I go back home. So hopefully we'll see you there. Don't forget to check out harloughwilliams.com or you can write me letters. Maybe you'll get in a listener mailbag or maybe we'll play one of your voicemails on the show. 888-529 if you want to leave a message. Check out harloweems.com. My book. Things you don't know you don't know and all kinds of other fun stuff in the web store.

And don't forget tomorrow, Spooky Buddies, my brand new movie. Walt Disney movie, where you get to see me play a bad guy for the first time in the movies. It's a lot of good stuff, good old family film for you there. And in case you want something a little edgier, I have another film coming out called Lloyd the Conqueror, which is kind of an edgy independent movie. It's myself and comedian Brian Passane, and you can look for that one. I don't know the date on that. but spooky buddies tomorrow and then you can catch me live at the comic strip in Edmonton,

Alberta, Thursday, September 22nd, 23rd, 24th, and I don't know about the 25th. Maybe a Sunday show. I don't think so. So that's it. We are done. I hope you had a great time. Thanks for being here on the Harlan Highway. No, I'm not glad you were here.

No, really, thanks for being here. No, I don't want you ever to come back. Stop being bipolar. Okay, sorry, ass. And until next time, everybody. Oh, what are you going to say? Chicken Chow Man? How about big giant toilet seat onion ring, funny guy?

No, I'm just going to say it. Until next time, Chicken Chow Man, baby. Oh, you big pussy funny guy. an all-new movie on Disney Blu-ray and DVD September 20th, rated G. Did somebody say Boo, Ray?