The Harland Highway - PODCAST 324

Episode Date: September 23, 2011

Bug invasions, a visit from Dead Julia Childs, speaker phones, trophies, gender shopping, cooked meats, and quick tips. Bless your burnt nostril flares! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, my name is Chef Boyardee, and I make us a ravioli for you today. Nice and hot. Sit down. Eat, eat, eat ravioli. It's the same shape as an iPod. You can listen to the podcast from inside your intestines. No, I am not, Chef Boyardy. Stupid way to start a podcast. I apologize. But we do have a chef on the show today. Dead Julius Childs will be drawing. dropping by with one of her fabulous creations, one of her recipes, and so much other stuff. We're going to be talking about meat. Yeah, how do you like your meat cooked? Do they get it right or wrong?

You ever had a bug crawl across your body? Yeah, not fun. We're going to be talking about that unexpected treat. How about being on a speaker phone? Do you know how to do it? Is it weird? Do people get freaked out? We'll get into that.

And I got a little story for you where I think a lot of guys can relate to this one. Guys going shopping for clothes. Something weird always happens. Happen to me. I want you to check this story out. Also, we'll have some quick tips, and you deserve a trophy. Yep, I'm going to talk about you getting a trophy on the award-winning, Harland Highway

Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here is Failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything Coming up You just made a wrong turn

On to the Harland Highway Look at me Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee. God damn it. Hey, it's me, Harlem Williams. Hope you're having a groovy time.

Rocking and rolling here on the Harland Highway with me, your host. You ever do anything where you're on the speaker phone? You know, you're talking to someone on the phone and decide to put it on speaker. And now instead of talking like this, suddenly you're talking like this. You're like the voice of God. And you're strutting around the room and you're doing yoga. You're doing stretching exercises. You're laying on your back.

Staring at the roof. Watching the ceiling fan go around. And the person on the other side, they always seem to know. Am I on speakerphone? What? Why am I on speakerphone? No, you're not on speakerphone. Are you paying attention? Yeah, I'm paying attention.

Meanwhile, cut to you, like, changing a light bulb. Putting together a bird house. Reading Mad Magazine. I'm not sure you're paying attention. Why am I on speakerphone? And what is it with people they get all upset? They're on speakerphone. Like, it's still them.

It's still their voice. Take me off speakerphone. I don't like this. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't want all these people at my house to hear what you have to say. You know, I'm having a big convention here There's 300 people packed in my living room We're all completely silent waiting on your every word

Who's there? Who's listening to me on speakerphone? Oh, just 350 people I mean, what are they thinking? You're just there alone? Maybe you're tired of holding the phone to your ear You don't like me anymore, you've got me on speakerphone I remember the old days when you put the phone right to your mouth Remember those days

And the other end was right on your ear Yeah, those days are over Now you're on speakerphone Get it, you're on your way out, loser What the hell? Yeah, it's kind of fun being on speakerphone You pretend you're the almighty You stand over your phone

Hands on your hips Your chest all fluffed out Just talking to the room What do you want to talk about? I'm not sure I want to talk on speakerphone Come on, let's talk I can walk over here and still keep talking I could feed my fish and still talk

I don't know you anymore you've changed since speakerphone All right then let's not speak at all You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Get your God Complex going Put it on speakerphone baby And as manly and godlike

as the speaker phone can make you feel there's always the opposite right for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction there's always the other side of the coin there's always the yin to the yang and here's something that can make you feel really small and stupid and unmanly

and this has happened to me many times guys for the most part are not great at shopping for clothes. Okay, and I don't want to put everyone under the same umbrella, but I would say most guys are not great at it. I don't know how often they do it. I don't know how often they seek out new clothes.

I know I'm not into it. And here's what makes me feel like a little girl. I'll go into like a jean store, like the Levi's store, the Lucky Brand, or the Banana Republic or the Gap or whatever. And I start walking around, and I'm kind of, they got jeans hanging on the walls, and they got shoes up on racks,

and they got shirts and t-shirts and pants. And they're all stacked together, and it's a big place. And I start walking around, and I'm looking up, and I, you know, finally I catch an attendant, and I go, hey, that's a cool shirt. and I really like those jeans. Do you have those in a 32, 36? And they're like,

um, sir, those are girls jeans and a girl's shirt. You're in the ladies section? Ah, um, uh, yeah, they're, they're for my wife. She's in the, uh, if you look in the parking lot, you'll see a Mack truck with a giant cedar logs on the back. and giant redwood logs and you'll see a real husky woman

sitting in the cab and it's, sir, you screwed up, didn't you? Yeah, you thought you were in the men's section? Yeah. You want to try them on anyways? No, I didn't think so. Why don't you bugger off to the men's section, you pervert? Wow.

It is just brutal. You know, it's not like there's a... big sign-up in these stores you know that they should have a big red line on the floor uh one of those uh you ever see those movies where there's like a laser maze and the cat burglars have to bend and contort their bodies to sneak through the laser maze like some kind of giant warning or an air raid siren or something you are stepping into the ladies section because I never know they just one bleeds into the other

I don't know my clothes I don't know my designers and then you kind of sometimes you just kind of clue in by yourself you're walking around like oh look at oh okay oh that tops a little short look at the way that that's like a midriff

that's wait a minute a lot of these shirts are pink and purple and those jeans look like they'd be for like a kid they're so tough and then you kind of start looking around and suddenly you notice

there's some skirts hanging and some dresses and you look around you and you're surrounded by women and there's no other guys around you and the women are kind of looking at you suspiciously and they're like um

excuse me perv and you feel like a purve. Suddenly you're like, oh, I'm not a cross-dresser. No, I don't like to wear women's clothes. No, I'm I'm looking for men's jeans. This is a big mistake.

Get out of our section, you pervert. God. So there you go, man. The yin and the yang. It's brutal. It's embarrassing. Maybe we need like a group therapy thing for men that have wandered into the women's

All right, guys. Tell me if you've done it. Please somebody share with me that they've done the same thing. I'm not the only moron. And I've done it a number of times. So please don't let me think I'm alone out there. Call me 888-52090. Let me know, gentlemen, if you've ever walked into the ladies section and it took a while to clue in. Or ladies, vice versa. Maybe you walk, watch, around in the men's stuff for a while. Call me 888-52090. Hey, Harlan, love the show. Best podcast show on the net. I heard you were talking about the alarm clock bird that you have that things down your fireplace. What do you think about getting one of those wind turbine,

wind-powered electrical generators? All the neighbors will think you're trying to save the environment. But you set the thing up to where the fan blades won't allow the alarm clock bird to sit on the fireplace fan or it gets hit in its squawking little head. Thanks, Arland. It's Levi from Denver. Oh, I love it. I love it. Thank you for the creative ideas to get rid of the bird that sings into my chimney at five in the morning. But you may have inspired an even better idea. How about I just get a rocket launcher and blow the thing up? And who cares what my neighbors think?

God! Yeah, I was talking about this bird that sings in my chimney and wakes me up in the morning, and it drives me nuts, and thank you for coming up with ideas to destroy it. Suddenly I'm turning into coyote and the Roadrunner here. And how about that little shout out at the beginning? Did you hear that one? Hey, Harlan, love the show. Best podcast show on the net.

Oh, man, see, I'll take that all day long. Thank you, Levi from Denver. What a nice compliment. I do appreciate that. Thank you so very much. And isn't it weird? Isn't it ironic that I did a whole segment about, you know, buying jeans and going into the Levi store and all that?

And I get a call from Levi. That's a sign. Maybe Levi from Denver. Maybe that means I need to go buy my clothes in Denver. Maybe they have clearly defined gender areas for shopping for clothes. Great voicemail. Thank you, buddy. And remember, you can call in, too, and leave your message at 888-52090 or write me at harlandwilions.com.

And I think we have a special guest coming in, right? Wait, she's here? She's here? Great. Okay, send her in. This is exciting, excellent guest. I love having her here at the highway. Ladies and gentlemen, she's an incredible chef.

She's an unbelievable with food. She's an entrepreneur. She's a visionary. People know her the world over. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show with some of her brilliant cooking ideas, hopefully a new recipe for us. everybody say hello it's dead julia childs hello julia hello harlan how are you today well i'm doing good how are you well i'm a little dirty i've been underground for many years you know well hey you look

okay well if you can call maggots in my hair okay harland well what do you got for us today well it's a wonderful dish harland you're gonna love it okay what is it? It's called a smack my bitch up sandwich. Oh boy, how does that, wait a minute, what? You heard me, it's the smack my bitch up sandwich. Well, I don't know if we want to use that terminology. Shut your gob hole. Let me tell you how to make it. I'm getting hungry. Well, okay, you are the chef. Thank you, and I don't have much time. I can smell my skin deteriorating. All right, how does it work? Smack my bitch up sandwich.

You bring it up right after you've had a fight with your girlfriend, Harland. Okay, we all know what that's like. You bet we do. So what you do, just as a fight's occurring with your girlfriend, yes, you get two slices of bread. Okay, you put one on one ear. On her ear? Yes, and one on the other ear. What do you mean?

So her mouth is right in the middle of the bread. Well, what do you? I don't know. And then you grab the nearest baseball bat and smack your bitch up, Harlan. Now, wait a minute. Just smack your bitch up. It's delicious. Now, come on, Julia. Well, I better run.

I can hear my grave hole calling. Wait a minute. You can't. Goodbye, Harlan. Enjoy your smack my bitch up sandwich. All right. Thank you, Julia. There she goes.

Wow. she never stays long i guess she doesn't look at the footprints going out the door they're all muddy uh that was julia childs and i don't know that i recommend this sounds like violent towards women but it was a smack my bitch up sandwich and uh i guess what she said is if you're in the middle of a fight guys uh you get two uh slices of white bread i guess and stick one on one of your chick's ears and one on the other and grab a baseball bat and smack your bitch. That's horrible. I don't recommend anybody making that sandwich, but I'm not the expert.

It's not my recipe. It's dead Julia Childs. And hopefully we see Julia again. Thanks to Julia. And what a treat. And speaking of cooking, how do you folks like your meat done? You know, when you go to a restaurant or a, you know, a fancy burger joint, and how would you like that prepared, sir? Meet him well, well, pink in the middle, raw, or would you like us to go out and hammer a cow over the head with a sledgehammer?

I'd like to, see you smash a cow in the head. Excellent. I'll be right back. But here's the thing. You order your meat, your steak, or your burger, or whatever it is. even your pork or your lamb. And a lot of the time they never get it right. You know, you feel kind of special at the time they do it.

They're like, how would you like your meat done, sir? I don't know, medium well, so just slightly pink in the middle? Yeah, exactly, perfect. And they go, excellent, we'll be right back. And then you feel good. You feel like, oh, wow, the chef's in the back. He's going to, he's making his meat specially for me. And, wow, I mean, imagine the, the, the, the, the, the,

care and the attention he's going to put into my cut of meat because he's going to hover over it and make sure that it comes out exactly the way I like. And then you get it and it's never what you want. Right? I mean, sometimes it is. I shouldn't say that. Sometimes you're surprised and it's just perfect. And then other times it's completely done through.

They played it safe and there's no pink inside. Or they go the other way where it's like some of the cooks in a rush to go watch a baseball game or something. And there's some like some char marks on your meat. And the inside is like, you know, it's so undercooked that when you cut it, like a vein squirts in your eye. You got to take your tie off from your suit and put a tourniquet around your meat to cut off the blood flow. There we go. you're going to be okay you're going to live you're going to live right and the real point of this this discussion is it's not that the meat's not always right but when it's not right how many of

you send it back don't most of you just eat it anyways hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you're want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. that's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harlan. so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's like, honey, that meat, it's pink. It's just, it's almost like the sun. It's like a sunset in Miami. It's so pink.

And you're like, yeah, well, you know, it's, I did say I wanted it, you know, medium rare. Well, honey, yes, but that, your steak is cross. rolling off your plate. Well, you know, everything needs a chance. I'll eat it anyways. Well, if you can catch it,

it just slithered under the bathroom door in the men's room. Well, I'll go get it. And, oh, right? A lot of us just go through with it. We're like, ah, well, I, you know, because suddenly what happens is that traditionally when you're out on a date or you're with someone, you're usually eating with someone

if you're at a fancy place. If you're at a Ruth Chris Steakhouse or Morton Steakhouse, you're usually with someone, right? And then it just becomes awkward. You're sitting there eating, and all of a sudden it's like, you know what, I'm going to stop eating. I'm going to send mine back to get recooked. But you keep eating yours.

And then suddenly it's weird. You send your steak back. And the person you're with is sitting there. It's like they're eating by themselves. And you're just sitting there staring. at their delicious steak, you're like, oh, how is it? Is it good? Oh, sure looks good. I mean, no, no, keep eating. Keep eating. I mean, that just looks delicious. Look at the, oh, just such a tender piece. No, don't mind me. Just go ahead. Finish eating. Now, I'm just talking to myself. You finish that

delicious piece of meat. Mine should be back in about 10 minutes. Just, just when you're done, mine should be here. Mm, God, it smells good. good right and it just throws your whole dinner out of whack and the waiters always like oh i'm sorry i'm sorry it's like yeah my uh girlfriend's uh taking a cab home but this should be nice hitting here eating by myself thanks god timing and raw meat um what's the world coming to What is the world coming to? It just hits a raw nerve, doesn't it? How many of you have a trophy?

A trophy from a sporting event or some kind of an award or a ceremony or a charity trophy or a trophy wife or a trophy husband? I don't know. I got a few hockey trophies sitting around in my office. I had an uncle who had like 40 dozen golf trophies. It's always fun to have trophies, isn't it? These big kind of shiny testaments. It's your ability at something, whether it be sports or intellect.

Maybe you won a trophy for a spelling bee or a poetry contest. I don't know I think we should all win trophies Like every 10 years we should win a trophy Congratulations You made it to another decade Oh really Yes let's hear your speech

Well I didn't get hit by a car I didn't overdose on drugs I didn't shoot myself I didn't get mulled by hyenas I didn't fall out of a plane And what else I don't know but you're here Just shut up now

Yeah, but I'm not finished. It's 10 years worth of stuff. Yeah, we've heard enough. Come back in another 10. Here's your trophy go home. We've got 9 million other people to go through. Oh, okay. But isn't it just an accomplishment to get through a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade?

Some of us get through a century. Those are the real trophies, man. Because life can be hard. Life can be challenging. It can be confrontational. How nice would it be at the end of the year? Right around Christmas time when everyone's feeling good. Someone showed up at your door.

Who is it? Yearly trophy service, sir. I'll be right there. Well, hello. Hello, sir. Here's your trophy. Congratulations on another year. I'm putting up with all the BS in the world. You made it, sir. Congratulations.

Oh, I'll just put it over here on my trophy shelf with all my other trophies. Yeah, I can also tell how old you are, too. Oh, my God. Wow. So, congratulations to you. Trophies in the mail for getting through another day, another week, another year on this crazy planet Earth. And surviving the Harlan Highway. Yeah, and speaking of surviving, have you ever survived this?

crawling all over your body. Ugh. You know what I'm talking about? You're going through your day. Maybe you've been out in the yard. Maybe you've been sunbathing. Maybe you're just driving your car. Maybe you're in the house.

Maybe you're sitting on the couch watching TV. And all of a sudden you feel something crawl across your back of your neck. All of a sudden there's something crawling on your arm or wait, what's that behind my ear? Wait a minute. Or maybe you don't even see it Maybe you're just sitting there watching your soap operas Eating your Cheetos And out of the corner of your eye

On the edge of your shirt on your collar On your sleeve You see movement And you're like, huh? What? What was that? And you look And just as you look Some eight-legged creature Goes over the crease

And you're like Was that something just dummy? Did something just go behind the crease? In the fabric of my shirt? Oh my God. Then you look and you start looking around and you're like, oh, my, and you find something. Right? There's an ant or an inchworm or some kind of beetle, a ladybug, a tick.

Oh, my God. You're being penetrated. You've been violated. And then you start thinking, wait a minute. How long has that been there? I've been up for four hours. I've been sitting on this couch for three hours. My contact with the outer world has been very limited.

I woke up, did a tinkle, went and sat on my couch and watched the football game. How did a inchworm, a ladybug, and a spider get on me? And you just, then you're freaked out. You take your shirt off. You strip down. You take a silkwood shower. and then you're like wait a minute it's kind of like a bad date you wake up from a bad date you're blacked out you're like where was this this thing what regions of my body has this thing been in look how small it is it's what's that it just came out of my pen leg where were you mister where have you been through my hair and my earlobe under my nose behind the back of my neck in my underpants?

You've got ants in your pants. Well, that's not all. I got a spider. I got a ladybug, a cockroach. And who knows what else? I think there's a wood dick in there. It is creepy, man. And then you can't get comfortable, right?

You try to forget it. You brush the thing away or you kill it. And then you go, wait, what if there's more? ants always have friends ants always live in colonies there's probably more on me and then you can't sit still and you start lifting up the cushions on your couch

you look under your bed you turn the lights on you're rocking back and forth on your bed wrapped in saran wrap nobody's going to get me nobody's going to touch me nobody's going to violate me So here's the key, man.

Buy a beekeeper suit before you go to bed and put it on. Have a nice, long, critter-free sleep. Hey, this is Harland Williams with another friendly reminder. Have you always wanted to try hang gliding, but you can't afford it. The equipment's just too expensive. or the rental fee or the getting out to a giant cliff for you to jump off

well here's what you do go to your local clothing store pick up the biggest turtleneck sweater you can find extra extra extra large put it on climb up on your roof spread your arms and jump

with the extra fabric you're guaranteed to glide for hours and hours, soaring in the sky in your black turtleneck sweater, like some kind of flying squirrel. Yes, you will enjoy the stress-free, carefree sensation of flying. Just another friendly tip from me, Harland Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. Okay, you know I'm joking, right? Right, you know I'm joking? Like, I don't really want you to get and jump off your roof with a turtle neck sweater on right okay you know i'm joking right right you know it's just joking yeah i was just joking but god have you ever heard people do that you're joking right instead of laughing because

you made a joke or telling you to get lost because maybe you said something they don't like that it's usually the girls it's usually a girl voice okay you're joking right really you can do that You're joking, right? Yeah, it's more annoying than having a porcupine thrown at your area. And even more annoying, this is probably annoying to you. The end of the show? Oh, God, you're joking, right? It's the end of the show, you're joking?

It's not really the end of the show, right? No, I'm afraid it is. no you're joking right all right i'm not gonna do that anymore i'm annoying myself good god now i want to jump off a roof without a turtleneck you're joking right oh stop it oh um all right well let's get to our uh announcements here as we uh roll into the uh the exit ramp here on the harland highway thank you for uh being here had a wonderful show today. At least I did. I hope you had a good one. I'm going to go make me a slap my bitch up sandwich and go have a little lunch break. No, I'm not. You're joking, man.

Anyways, if you want to see me live this weekend, tonight, I will be in Edmonton, Alberta. It's going to be over at the comic street. In Edmonton, Alberta, you can go to thecomic strip.ca to reserve your tickets. Two shows tonight, two shows tomorrow, and it's going to be a lot of fun. So hopefully we will see you there. Don't forget to check out Harlow Williams.com. Check out the merch store for all your little presents and treats. You can email me at harlewilms.com.

You can call in and leave a voice. mail if you have the Cajonies. 888 52090. That's 888 52090. And don't forget, yes, don't forget that we have the new Facebook page up. It's called the Harland Highway Podcast. You can go on there and share and explore and have some fun. And another reminder, my new movie is out. My new movie came out on Tuesday. It's called Spooky Buddies. It's a Disney movie. First movie ever for me playing The Bad Guy.

I play an evil warlock that takes over a town and steals everyone's souls. That's nothing new for me, right? So check that out on Blu-ray DVD. It's a DVD release movie only. Great family movie, great for the Halloween season. coming up. And I think you're going to get a kick out of it. It's a lot of fun.

It's really cute. It's not for my half-baked fans, but it might be for my half-baked fans. Kids. So there you go. Even stoners have kids. They don't know they have kids. Hey, man, who's that little guy wandering around over there?

That's our son, Daniel? Oh, right. Can I get another hit? So there you go There's all the info the important info you need Again thanks for driving down the Harlan Highway with me And I hope you had a groovy time Tell your friends please

Maybe we'll see you in Edmonton And that's all I got I'm out of breath I could hardly breathe And there's a giant cockroach crawling up my back So that's it My friends The Harland Highway pavement pound

until we change it. That's all I got. Until next time, Chicken Chalmain, baby. Man, this is Walder Sykes. You're listening to Harlan Highway.

Yeah. What's up?