The Harland Highway - PODCAST 325

Episode Date: September 26, 2011

Deer in the yard, grocery store stalker, German story, celebrity races, impressions, food crashes, women eaters. Slurp a sack of cashews!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy jumping swordfish. All right. Don't know why I went all effeminate there, but I did live with it. Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway, and I am him, Harland Highway. No, Harlan Williams. My last name is not Highway. I should change that. I should just be Harland Highway, and then think of all the people that would be on me.

Yikes. Welcome to the show. thanks for being here good to have you uh we are going to be talking about a lot of stuff today man you ever have a grocery stocker in the grocery store i'm going to talk about that i had one impressions does anybody do impressions you better i'm going to be putting out a request uh i've got a story that took place in germany a german story um and also i had another confrontation with a wild animal in my backyard. Unbelievable. This is hot off the press, this story.

And speaking of animals, we are going to the celebrity race track today. Yes, indeed. We have an incredible race today. And also, I'm going to tell you about a horrible crash I was in. Yeah, what do you hear? And then women eating. Oh, yeah, women love to eat. But eat this podcast.

It's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. It mangled your morale, and the the people who you am the least are, Hussed you very. Hey, it's Harland Williams with you on the Harland Highway Vee Gates. Uh, Vigates is German for,

how are you, I think. My German's not that great. Not an easy language. I went on Yahoo, Deutsche Land. On the internet. Yeah, you can go on Yahoo and pick up any language in the world. And I was on Yahoo, Deutschland. And I realize that there are other countries and other worlds and other people and other cultures out there outside of the U.S. of A.

And I thought, you know what, why not inform you of their world? They've got lives, they've got cultural events, they've got things going on. So I'm going to read you a little story off the internet from Deutschland. And there's a picture of a cow beside the story, so I'm guessing the story's about a cow. So here we go. Hope your Germans up to snuff. All export zitsen for mucus an philage till we schwein. Reinder and Schaffcandava, flesh and milch.

Ingeysian lochen are anguots, sagatzen, spretchen de land will chaffin minsteriums. In London, the national finger-tel. A-F-P. All right, I got London.

I think I picked up London. I got one word. Did you hear that? London? I think that's a country over just north of Germany I think they were referring to the UK but the rest of it

I don't know man I got the flesh and the milch which is flesh and milk but the rest of it you're on your own I hope that story had some meaning for you all is clear that's good Wie gets

Good night That's on the Holland Highway That's all I got Hey wish I had more But that's all I've got My friends Um But here's something that I do got

I got dear Okay This is almost unbelievable Okay Let me put it to this way It's nighttime for me I'm doing this podcast late at night i'm pre-recording this one a little bit because i have to go out of town um so i got home

from dinner with a friend okay it is now 11 10 p.m i got home at about uh maybe 15 minutes ago 5 to uh 11 okay i pull up in my truck and i'm you know this is in uh hollywood Okay, up in the Hollywood Hills, and I get out of my truck, I pull my front door open, I walk up the steps to my yard, and standing there directly in front of me, okay, silhouetted in the dark, I see a set of antlers, and the body of a deer pointed right at me, the ears sticking up, And this thing's just frozen. You know, normally when I see a deer up here, and remember, we're in the middle of Hollywood.

This is a full-grown deer with a rack on its head. Normally they just take off. This one just stood its ground and stared at me. And I'm like, wait a minute. What's this? Am I in a showdown here? Is this a test of the wills? Am I going to try and stare down a wild buck?

And I got to tell you for a minute there, it got a little tense because I kept thinking about there's that famous video of when animals attack where there's this one idiot hunter out in the field. And I think you've all seen it. A deer gets up on two back legs. And with its front legs, just starts pawing the crap out of this hunter. Just slapping them around like a bag of oatmeal at a chili dog festival, whatever that means. and I'm like, wait a minute, this is, this is a little weird, this is tense. I felt like I was in the middle of the street at the okay corral and who's going to draw first. And so I did, I was like, I pulled out my iPhone, man.

And what I did is I filmed the damn deer. I filmed the damn deer and I thought, you know what, if this guy charges me, if this guy comes at me, You know, at the very least, I'm going to have the, I'm going to record my death here. It was a little tense, I have to say. So I'm pulling out my iPhone right now, and I'm looking at the footage. And I've got a little bit of its, remember, it's pitch black up here. All I can see, the deer finally turns sideways and walks away, and I got, I got like a few seconds of his sill. but it was a little tense and interesting and scary and it seems more and more i'm i'm a confronting

deer on my front lawn in the middle of hollywood what the hell is this i mean i i can picture like a uh you know like a drunk celebrity wandering across my lawn you know like alec baldman's like what are you looking at well uh you're on my property mr baldwin ah shut up you pig um that's inappropriate sir ah i'm gonna charge you with my antlers um so anyways i'm gonna keep reporting the deer you know i told you a couple of weeks ago i woke up in the morning and there was a baby deer and its mother bouncing around on my lawn, and now I come home in the middle of the night and I have a standoff with a buck with a rack of antlers? I don't like hunting, but I'm thinking maybe I should build a hunting lodge on the corner of my

property. I mean, I've worked up north as a forest ranger and not seen this many deer. In northern Canada, this is insane. so I thought you know what I got to I got to get on the jump on the old podcast get on the harland highway and report to you guys events as they fold live this is like a live report I wanted you to feel the energy feel the excitement maybe hear my heart beating and uh there you go how many of you walk home in a major city okay keep in mind a 11 million people in Los Angeles, and I'm right in the thick of it.

Is anyone in Chicago or Detroit or New York City, Manhattan? Anyone in Miami? Anyone in Houston, Texas? Anybody up in Washington, D.C. or Seattle, Washington? Anybody walking in their front door tonight and standing toe to toe with a buck? I don't think so. In fact, I wonder if anyone, you know how they say, okay, every second someone dies, every second somebody has an orgasm, every second somebody is born. You know that thing?

It's like, if you think right now somebody's being born, maybe 10,000 people are being born, or if you think right now somebody was just murdered, or 25,000 cars were stolen across America right now. I'm willing to bet that right now or in that moment that I walked in my front door and stood face to face with a deer in a major city, I'm willing to bet that that happened to nobody else in the United States of America in a major city, walked in their front door and faced a rack of antlers and some glowing eyes. So something's going on here, man. I'm turning, I'm going to start putting up.

Deer crossing signs and who knows what else. Maybe I'll put one of those blinds up, you know? The guys build the deer stands in the forest and I'll hide up there and take pictures. I'm going to get one of those cameras that are triggered by a movement. Start taking pictures of these critters. So there you go. That's my dear story. And dear God, I hope I don't get attacked any time.

soon if you don't hear from me in the next few days if you're going where's the harland highway well just uh look in the hollywood hills for a deer with a cheesy old navy uh random blue shirt stuck in its antlers that'll be the one that got me thank you very much Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon. I'm Charles Parsley here at the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We have a wonderful race planned out for you today. Some wonderful celebrities. Catherine Bachman, Presidential hopeful, Taylor Lottner, star sex symbol from the Twilight movies.

Ron Jeremy Pornstar and Roger Clement. Major League pitcher under indictment for apparently using steroids. And there they go, there they go. The gates are open and the celebrities are running. They're gallivanting down the track at full speed. No one wasting any time getting out of the game. Here they go coming around the first turn. Taylor Lottner out in the lead.

His spiky hair seeming to cause a cut into the wind, giving up that perfect aerodynamic graft that he needs. And here comes Ron Jeremy, porno star. He's flying around the corner as fast as he can, his chubby little legs and his hairy chest flapping in the wind. Here comes Roger Clemens, Roger Clemens coming him from behind. Roger Clemens in behind, but he pulls out a syringe. Roger Clemens pulls out a syringe and stabs it into his buttocks. Roger Clemens is bursting down the lane.

He's just passed Catherine Buckman, Catherine Buckman, whose eyes are crossing. Her eyes are crossing in her face, and she's starting to twirl around in circles. she's got crossed eyes and now she's running backwards down the track going the other direction and taylor london now slowing down a little as ron jeremy catches up but wait a minute ron jeremy's pants are slipping ron jeremy's pants have fallen down ron jeremy running down the track nothing on his lower bottom his extremities flapping in the wind his own penis smacking him in the face and he oh he's just whipped taylor londner in the head tail of london getting slow slapped in the face by Ron Jeremy's

phallis and it looks like Taylor Londa's spiked hair is cut Ron Jeremy's penis off and it's laying on the track Catherine Bachman with her crossed eyes picks it up she doesn't know what it is she's tripped over it she picks it up and her eyes become uncrossed

a huge smile on her face Roger Clemens still coming in from behind he stabs seven eight nine more needles into his bottom he shoots forward like a rocket ship Roger Clemens coming down to the line, Catherine Bachman, Google-eyed over Rod Jeremy's penis. Here comes Taylor Langer Rod Jeremy. Roger Clemens shoves another needle in his ass,

and he takes off like he's just ejecting nights as it's Roger Clemens. Over the finish line, as Catherine Bachman twirls in circles cross-eyed with Ron Jeremy's penis. This is Charles Parsley, another wonderful day at the Holland Highway Celebrity races. Thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time as Roger Clemens goes into the winner's circle. Wow, exciting, exciting race. Thank you to Charles Parsley.

Brilliant calls on those celebrity races. Wow, Catherine Bachman, with her eyes all crossed up. And speaking of crossed up, have you ever crossed up with a psycho? by accident, by a stalker. Have you ever had an accidental stalker? Well, let me tell you where it's happened to you and you might not even realize it, but now you're going to pay attention to it

because it's creepy and it's weird and it's annoying. Okay, you're doing the groceries, right? You're at a big supermarket and you're going up the aisle with your shopping cart and all of a sudden there's that one person kind of in the way who doesn't really get the etiquette and they've got their shopping card and they've stopped to look at bottles and boxes and instead of pulling their cart to the side

they kind of left it jutting out and you've got to either ask them to move it or you've got to squeeze by or you've got to bump it a little Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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And you kind of take notice of them. You go, look at this guy in the purple track suit and he's a little overweight and he's not a real shopper. Who leaves their cart hanging out on the edge and creates an obstacle? Oh, brother. Let me get

around this guy right and you get around them and you're a little annoyed but you let it go and then you go into the other aisle and you start walking up and you get about a quarter of the way up it and all of a sudden guess who rounds the corner at the top end of the aisle it's him it's the guy in the purple track suit he's he's back he's back and now you're heading towards each other and right away your blood pressure goes up a bit you're like oh good well how did he get over into this alley here what's he doing okay i'm sure he'll be fine i'll just walk by and be i won't ever see him again in my life and sure enough you get close and all of a sudden he bends down to look at the soup on the lower shelf and his little shopping cart rolls right across and all of a sudden you're like

tapping your fingers on your handle of your shopping card okay buddy move you're blocking and then you got to excuse me oh sorry i move sorry i move yes you're like okay there's that guy again do i have to deal with this guy twice and so you burn over into the next dial and you're like great i didn't see them and then you get into the next dial after that and you're like good He's gone. He's way back there. He's still bent down, looking for the soup. And you move over to the third aisle, and boom.

There he is. But not only is he coming down, he's already in the aisle. Like he's been there for a minute or two, and you're like, wait a minute. Well, I was in aisle three looking at cereal. Did he skip two aisles and go over to aisle six where the hot chocolates and the teas and the coffees are? and suddenly there he is again. That guy, that uninvited stalker, that menace to shopping society.

And of course he's blocking you and you've got to deak around him and now you're like, oh God, come on! Why do I keep bumping into this idiot? And then all of a sudden you kind of squeak by him and you think, okay, I'm going to speed up the gas and get away from him, Lo and behold, he's on the move too.

And now he's like right beside you. And suddenly it's like, wait a minute, how did he get beside me? And it's like one of those scenes out of those race car movies where, you know, they're neck and neck coming up on the checkered flag and they're kind of inching back and forth. So you take the corner and you go around the eggs and the butter and you try to come in at the detergent and paper towel alley.

And he kind of gets the inside laying. and cut you off and maybe bumped you and you're like come on go go away i didn't come how is it possible that you're staying with me why are you and every and so you just get flustered you know what i'm going all the way to the other side to the fruits of vegetable aisle you get over there and you start to settle down and all of a sudden what do you see out of the corner there he is the guy in the purple track suit and what's really really you're going to funny about all this. He doesn't give a crap. He doesn't even know you exist.

It's all in your head. He just don't his shop and just like you, he just happens to be needing similar things. He happens to be rolling down the aisles innocently. And yes, maybe his shopping card etiquette isn't that good, but he's not

stocking you, he's not following you, but this is certainly the story you've created. This is certainly the story you're going to tell the police. This is certainly the story you're going to tell the police when you lead them to his house because you followed him home and you tell the police he's got bodies buried in his basement and they come and rip his house apart and all they find out is that he's a Latvian volleyball coach over at Fremont

High School but that's the price you pay when you get an involuntary shopping cart stalker What am I thinking? I'm doing an impression of Jerry Seinfeld. What am I thinking? Captain's log, start eight, five, seven, two. I'm doing an impression of Captain James D. Kirk. Yeah, impressions. Okay, I didn't say I could do them

I tried Seems like everyone does an impression of somebody pretty good You know And that's what I want to hear from you people about I want you to call me I want you to call my answering machine And give me the best impression you have But it's got to be someone famous

I don't want an impression of your father I don't want an impression of your buddy at school It's got to be a recognizable person a politician, a sports figure, some kind of celebrity, an actor, a singer, whoever, even a cartoon voice. Call my answering machine and give it your best shot. If I like what I hear, I'll put it on the air. You can have some bragging rights with your friends that you and your famous impression made it onto the Harland Highway. So call me! What are you thinking?

Call me and do your best impression. All right, see, you can do better than that. That was my attempt at Seinfeld. So if I can do that lame-ass one, you can do one. I want to hear them. Your best impressions. And just in case you forgot the number, 888-52090 is where you call to do your incredible impression. So here it is again, 888-500-2090.

can't wait to see who calls in and even if they're kind of there don't feel like you have to be perfect if they're halfway there if they're middle way there if they're three-quarters way there if they're immaculate we want to hear if not your impression your attempt hopefully it's close but uh we'll have to see and uh if we like it we'll put it up on the Harland Highway podcast. Your impressions, 888, 500, 2090. Oh, my God, I got in a terrible crash yesterday. Yes, yours truly, Harlan Williams, here on the Harland Highway, had a major crash.

Hopefully no one was heard I fell asleep. Okay, let me explain. When I say crash, I don't mean in a car. I mean, I had a food crash. And I don't mean I rammed my shopping card into some people over an aisle 7 and the frozen vegetables. I mean, you ever do that thing where it's lunchtime and you munch out, you have a big mac or a big bowl of macaroni and cheese or a sandwich. And you're okay for like the first 20 minutes.

And then all of a sudden, it's like someone gave you some sleeping pills, man. you just your body starts to crash you have a food crash I don't know if it's all the sugar in the food or the protein or the enzymes or the I don't know what the hell's in our food all I know it's called food I eat it but man when you crash you just oh my it's like someone shot an arrow in your back

you were just walking along full of energy and then fom Your chest caves in, your shoulders slump. You can't hold your head up. Your arms are dangling like caveman arms. Your legs won't move. You feel like you got concrete boots on. And your eyelids feel like they're made out of lead, right?

You just can't keep them all. There's a train coming right out of me. Oh, whatever. All you want to do. do is just drop and go into a coma. I'm never going to eat again, man. Oh, my God. I'm so tired.

Oh, and you're sitting at your desk trying to work, or you're trying to drive, or you're trying to do something, and your whole body's fighting you. It's crashing. And you can't stop the crash. So finally, you give in, you succumb to it. And you crash. You go into a day, you go into a sleep.

Suddenly you're asleep. Everything's dark and you're dreaming. And you don't know how long you've been out for. And you wake up 10 minutes later, three minutes later, an hour later. And the crash is over. You're rejuvenated. and you're ready for something to eat hey man I feel fresh as a daisy

my food crashes over and I'm hungry let's go get a big Mac oh no oh yeah we love to eat don't we and you know what constantly surprised me that to me kind of flies under the radar a lot right

and of course they're just humans so this is natural but here's where it gets me that women eat a lot you know because i always think of women as a dainty and beautiful and kind of not the same way as men like i just think you know men like to eat you know men pull in for a burger men pull in for a big mac men eat a cob of corn at the barbecue they eat seven cobs of corn and i always just picture women oh i'll have a little give me a little piece or can I have a taste or I'm just going to have the little salad and some sparkling water and but then you know every now and then I realize women are human machines just

like men are human machines and I'll peel away all the femininity and and all the gender issues and I'll realize that that car in front of me it's a couple of hot girls ordering a you know, quarter-pounders with cheese and fries and Big Macs and chocolate shakes at the drive-thru, just the way all the men do. And they're wolfing it down and stuffing it down. And when you go to the barbecue, it's like, anyone want a third hot dog? Yeah, I will. Actually, this will be my fifth, not my third.

Is that okay? Sure. And, you know, I kind of forget that women just pounded in, that they love to eat and they have to eat just like men do but for some reason I I guess I always think of them

as having this veil over them where they don't eat much you know but they do man they just stuff it in and every now and then you meet a girl you meet a girl and it's always weird when it's a good looking

girl like a hot girl and you're out with them and they say it they say it out of you go man, I just love to eat. Oh, I love food. Oh, God, I love to eat. Oh, God. Someone throw a pie in my mouth right now. And so, you know, I don't know what I'm saying with this. I'm just saying it's weird. It's weird. It's weird if you just took a, if you took a woman and dressed her as a man and put a fake mustache on her and put a man wig on her. Are she just like, you'd see it. You know what I mean?

I guess what I'm saying is the fact that they're beautiful, that they're a woman, or maybe they're supposed to be daintier or eat less, that you don't really calculate, you don't really realize that they're eating so much. And I'm not saying, oh, women are getting fat. I'm just talking about the consumption of food. It's kind of like, you know, maybe when you have an air conditioner on

in your house you you know the house is nice and cool but you don't realize how much cold air is leaking through all the cracks in your windows and under your doors you're just kind of blind to it all you can appreciate is the cool air and so uh with women i guess maybe it's just me i don't know if it's with with any other guys but you kind of forget that they just shovel it in the way we do you know i mean think about it before there were fancy dresses and high-heel shoes and makeup and societal etiquette and rules. I mean, go back to the cavemen days. You think a woman caveman didn't throw herself on the ribs of a, you know, a giant sloth?

The way the men did, it was probably you ever see lions feeding, right? On the nature shows, the females are in there just with the men's like blood all over their face. consume, feed, munch, crunch. So cave women probably just went berserk, right? They probably just shovel it in. It's about survival. So anyways, I guess me being, you know, I appreciate beautiful women. I appreciate women.

And so I guess they fly under the radar a bit when it comes. comes to eating, but every now and then I get reminded. I catch myself. I see him shoveling it in and it's just one big human buffet. And speaking of buffets, this is not an all-you-can-eat-buffet. This buffet or buffet or Jimmy Buffett, whatever you want to call it, this buffet comes to an end. It's not all you can eat. And this podcast, no one of the... the Harlan Highway comes to an end and that sadly is right now.

So thanks for being here. What a treat. What a tasty treat for being at the Harlan Highway buffet. And let me tell you about some upcoming shows for the kid. Okay?

I will be at a comedy club in Burbank, California called Flappers. What a nils. name that is speaking of the ladies do you like that word flappers um anyways i will be october 7th and 8th uh at flappers comedy club in downtown burbank california in the valley great club uh go to their website it's probably flappers dot com or just type in uh flappers in burbank on google you'll find it and reserve your tickets it's going to be a great great show and uh and then

october 14th and 15th yours truly will be in tempi arizona at the improv a great great club so just giving you a heads up there you go uh don't forget to check out harlow williams com check out our merch store um don't forget to uh write us harlorn williams.com if you have something to say or like I said call in 888 52090 call in with a question a comment and observation or if you dare let us hear one of your incredible impressions um looking forward to that and if we like them we'll put them on the air and don't forget to check out my new movie on blu-ray DVD Walt Disney's spooky buddies just came out uh last week and uh it's a family movie i hope you enjoy it and uh that's it we are done folks speaking of

food until next time chicken chau may baby It's mangled your moral and the the people who are in the...