The Harland Highway - PODCAST 326

Episode Date: September 28, 2011

People who snoop, death of Mcdonalds, what has happened to men? scared stiff, and George Michael calls in drunk from England. Pork and bean butterfly soup!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Five, four, three, two, one, we have podcast. We have podcast. Yes, you do have podcast. It's the Harland Highway podcast. And thanks for joining, man. Welcome, everybody. I am Harland Williams, your host, with the most. And what a show today. What a treat. Um, we're going to be talking about getting scared. Mm-hmm. You ever get scared? I'm scared just talking about being scared. Um, so we're going to get into that, being scared. You've all been scared.

I'm going to prove it when we get into it. Um, how about snooping? You ever snoop around on your boyfriend or girlfriend or your husband and wife? Oh, yeah, it's done all the time. We'll get into that. that. I think somebody's calling today. I don't know who. You'll have to see. It's a surprise. Somebody's phoning in. I won't say from where. London, England. I'll just leave it there. And then I'm going to be talking about something really tragic at McDonald's, the McDonald's food chain.

Something very, very sad has occurred, as well as with our youth here in America. I'm going to get into it right now on the Harlan. Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to

communicate One cheeseburger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me Damien It's all for you

This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it Oh, man, oh man alive. You ever add the, uh, scared out of you? Holy smokes. I'm not talking about watching a horror movie or, uh, getting in a car crash or anything like that.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're just in your house or your condo or wherever? And you kind of know how everything works, you know, where everything is, you know, the creeks and the groans that your house makes. You know who's coming and who's going. You have a pretty steady pattern. And so you're sitting by your fireplace reading or you're in your office typing or you're just sitting in the living room laying on the couch. All of a sudden, an oddity occurs. like a pine cone drops from the pine tree and clunks onto your roof

or a bird flies into the window or something in your house just for some reason it was just its time to fall over okay and you hear that bang or that pop or that creek or that slam and it scares the living but Jesus out of you.

You're like, whoa! Where the heck did that come from, man? Is there someone in my house? Is there someone here? Is it haunted? Who the hell's on my roof? What the... And you try to rationalize.

Where did that noise come from? Why? Who? Where, when? Then you go, it's probably just a pine cone. Or a squirrel just fell over and out a heart attack. in my attic ah the wind just blew my window shut but even though you know the source of it it already got you the damage is done your heart's pounding your heart rate is up

you're in panic mode your adrenaline's gone your whole relaxing evening you're lounging with a book that moment is over because that little anomaly scared the crap out of you Ah! Yeah. Not fun. Boom! Okay, I just tried to do it to you right there.

We're going along, listening to a nice little topic, and then... Boom! Did I get you? Is your heart rate going? That's not nice. I'm like a bad pine cone dropping on your party. Anyways... Nothing will get your heart back to normal.

Calm you down, listening to me. Harlan Williams here on the Pine Cone Highway. Ah! Hey, Harlan. This is Doug Conn from San Diego. I tell you I love your show. It's really great. And I heard that you don't have enough girls coming in.

So I thought I let my girlfriend tell you how much she loves her show. Hi, Harlan. and this is Lee. I love your show, and I love chocolate. Okay, that's good. Now, do we, Arlen? Hey, that's not right. Wait a minute.

What's not right? Me or the chocolate? Or both of us? I don't know. Wow, Lee sounded hot, didn't she? Well, there you go. Thanks for calling in. Oh, man.

I love it. I love it. Um, anyhow, uh, let's move on, um, all right, you're never going to believe this story, right? Check it out. I'm walking through a mall the other day. And, uh, no biggie. I'm walking through the mall. Lots of people all over the place. And all of, Harlan. What? Roger. What do you want? Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. What do you mean there's someone on the phone? Line six. Oh, God. I don't have anything scheduled. Put them through. Who is it? It's just music.

Wait a minute. What the hell is this? Hello, Arland. Who is this? Hey, it's me. It's me, Josh Michael, from Wham. You know, from the super pop group. Wham.

All right, George, what are you? No, it's not. It's George. You always do that to me, Arland. You always say, either George. Sometimes you call me Michael, but he's George. Michael, you put him both together, right? George Michael, excuse me.

What's going on? Why do you sound funny? I don't know. Why do you sound funny, Ireland? Okay, have you been boozing, Michael? I told you it's not Michael, it's George Michael, fuck wet. All right, don't, here we go. Here we go. George Michael on, thanks, Roger. I got George Michael from Wham.

I'm not with Wham. anymore harland okay i left wake me up before you go go and gong gone so it's now like go to sleep before you're gone gone instead of wake me up before you go go

island okay god what are you doing calling the harland highway busted up out of your head i'm doing a show here just because you think you're in the not state of america you think you're better than everyone else i No, I don't think I'm better than anyone else, and neither do my listeners.

Oh, right, you got your fucking United States of America. Excuse me. What are you been drinking, George? It's George Michael fucked hard. Stop swearing at me. Well, stay my name right, shitwiggles. Did you just call me shitwiggles? Yeah, what are you going to do?

You're going to call the U.S. military, eh? Maybe get the Navy seal. that blew up Osama bin Laden, right, and maybe blow up George Michael? Hey, that's not a bad idea at this point. Suck your fucking og-nog, og-nog. What is an og-nog? I don't know, but suck it real hard.

Excuse me. Suck it, United States are fighting American. Okay, you got a thing with America. That's your problem. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Oh, you got to fight your United States. of America, you got your fotting drive-thrus, eh? Are you fucking happy with yourself, America, eh?

Fotting drive-thew with the, with the, uh, with the fucking curly, uh-curly fries, right on. Oh, look at all fries, they curl up. And in the United Kingdom, right, we just got flat, straight fried. But you're so much fucking better, better than us, because you can cool your fries up here, a fucking drive-thru. Wow, you are angry and drunk, and I think you should just hang up.

Oh, you got your mini-put-pot-part. If you don't want to play on a big, fancy fucking golf course, you go play on a little mini-fuck-fuck-fuck. It's not a fuck-fuck, it's a put-put. I'll call it what I want. It's a mini-fut-fuck-fut in the middle of the United States of America. Stop hiccuping in my ear. George Michael.

Well, at least you got my name right that time. Dick Noble. Stop using bad words. Are you in your American? You got what? Where'd you have dinner tonight, Ireland, over at a fucking cheesecake factory, eh? Like, there's a fucking factory that makes cheesecake. Would you have a fucking 50-pound bag of fucking spaghetti at the old cheesecake?

A cheesecake factory, Ireland. All right. Come on, if you ate America, what's this all about? It's just a you in United States of America. All right, there goes your accent. The United States of America at the Cheesecake Factory. At the Cheesecake Factory, is that what you're saying? That's what I said, Arlen, a cheesecake battery.

All right, why are you got a rip on the United States? You know what I think this is? Oh, what? Why don't you go analyzing for me, Arlenore? Well, you're fucking some guy A fucking genius Because you've got a shitty little podcast Go to the highway, fucking

Hagnale fucking highway Oh, excuse me No, it's the Harlan Highway And I think you're pissed at the world Because you're not allowed back in the United States Because you got caught I don't even want to say it Oh, come on, go ahead and say it

You little fucking Lily Wiggle Oh, come on I can fuck Take it out. Take it, Ireland. What were you going to say? You got caught masturbating in a bathroom in Beverly Hills, and now they won't let you in the country.

Oh, whoopee deal? Like you think I want to come back to you, not in sight of America, maybe go to the fucking cheesecake factory and have a fucking giant cheesecake, oh, and a fucking giant cheesecake island. Cut it out, Michael. It's George, chilly wet. Excuse me.

All right, what's going on, George, Michael? Why the hatred against America? What the hell is this call all about? It's nothing, Ireland. No, it's nothing. What are you crying now? No, I'm not crying, Holland. George, it sounds like you've been drinking.

Maybe you better hang up and call someone you know. I didn't get kicked out of the United States of America for matabating in the bathroom in Beverly Hills. What did you just say? I said I got caught masturbating in the men's room in the Beverly Hills in the United States of America, Ireland. You got caught masturbating in the men's room in the United States of America. Yeah, I got caught masturbating. It's pronounced masturbating. That's what I said on it.

And I love the United States of America, mate. I won't come back so bad. I almost smelled a fucking curly fries and fucking cheesecake factory and a little fucking mini-punk golf course. I want to come back to the United States of America. All right. Stop blubbering, George Michael. Good Lord.

You're drunk, man. I just won't come back if I could just, just want to. Oh, God. No, more time to do what it feels like to masturbate in Beverly Hills, Ireland? Oh, God. No, you're not going to masturbate in Beverly Hills again. Maybe I can masturbate in the cheesecake factory all over a cheesecake, all in.

If I could just come back just for a week, I promise I'll masturbate all over a cheesecake. Oh, you're getting sick. Hang up, you drunk psycho. Well, maybe I could just wank my tank at the drive-thru all it all over the curly fries. Just let me come back. Roger, hang up on this drunk. Please just let me wank it on no curly frog. Hang up on him.

Hang up. Don't hang up all of it. What do you do? Don't hang out. Ah! Ah! Hang up on him. God.

Roger the hell is wrong with you letting that guy through drunk George Michael what's guy's blitzed out of his mind I think he hung up guy wants to shoot a crank one off all over a cheesecake factory

cheesecake guy's drunk at first he hates America that he's loving it disgusting can we not have George Michael phone in here anymore sober or drunk please you don't have to snap at me thank you and stop the sarcasm sorry about that folks i'm trying to do a podcast here i get these interruptions from george michael from

wham and uh let's just move on and do something good hang up idiot What do you mean nothing? What are you doing in my drawer? Nothing. I was just, I was, um, I couldn't find my car keys. You were snooping around in my drawer while I was out of cutting the grass. Oh no, I was looking for my car keys. No, you were snooping around. What else did you look at? Nothing. What's that in your hand?

Nothing. Is that my photo album? How did this get here? I thought it's the same shape as my car keys. I thought this... Is this a photo album? Yeah, that's my photo album. With all your old girlfriends? Yeah, I don't... Maybe.

Sure does look like my car keys. Yeah, and that was up in my closet, hidden behind some boxes. Well, I looked there, too. I thought my car keys could be there. Okay, how many of you have been through the Snoop thing? Huh? Your girlfriend or your boyfriend, you catch a red-handed. snooping and they don't know what to say

they got that look in their eyes like uh oh um how do I explain this one away busted and it's kind of funny but at the same time it's sad isn't it it's like wow I don't know if I can leave that person alone in my house I don't have anything to hide do you they were looking for something

and maybe there's stuff that doesn't need to be hidden, but it's private. Maybe there are pictures of old girl friends, or there's something your father wrote, or maybe there's something of your own that you don't want anyone to ever see. Maybe you wrote a little story or did a little picture, or who knows what.

Maybe you like to collect Archie comics, and you don't want anyone to know, but you don't want people snooping? That's a weird one, man. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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because I'm always here and I'm snooper proof oh wait a minute someone just came in my hi who are you hi I'm just looking for my car keys could I look around in here get out of here

and here's something that I thought was tamperproof but boy here's to the old adage everything changes nothing stays the same man and this is sad this is like a funeral to make

Give me some funeral music, man. Thank you. I hate to be the wonder, but McDonald's is not McDonald's anymore. I'm sorry, man. I mean, remember the days you go in and you stand there and you're like, okay, do I want the Big Mac or the quarter with cheese or the filial fish? You had about five choices, right? I'm not kidding.

I went into McDonald's. Like, today. and I almost started, I almost broke down and cried in the line. I looked up on that menu and it was so confusing and there were so many new items and I had to struggle to find like a normal McDonald's thing and they had photographs of all the new products and I was like, where am I? wait a minute what's that oatmeal oatmeal and granola and apple slices what salads and veggie wraps and chipotle barbecue country style chicken burgers and angus and mushroom swiss melts and all this crazy junk man i'm like where's my mick fries where's my Big Mac, where's my quarter-pounder?

Where's my damn McDonald's? Beotch? Oh, man, it was sad. So I said to the guy, I go, man, what's going on here? He's like, what do you mean? I said, this isn't even like McDonald's anymore. I'm sad. Look at this stuff.

He's like, I know. I go, well, how do you feel about it? Does that make you sad that they've changed? He goes, well, I don't really eat McDonald's. much but the food's good that was it and then I ordered a chocolate shake and the guy turns to me and he goes do you want the whip cream I'm gonna go what whip cream there's no McWhip cream you're talking about whip cream he goes yeah that's new too we put whipped cream on your shake and the cherry like good God

Seriously? Come on, guy. Because not only that, but the shakes aren't as thick as they used to be. We've slimmed them down, so they're not so hard to suck and drink. I'm like, but I like to suck in the milkshakes. What else in life do you have to suck that hard? When else do you try to suck air into your lungs? What else do you ever get to, like, try and, it's like sucking a pillow through a straw?

Gosh, darn it, you've been at that for half an hour. I know, but the milkshakes halfway up the straw. Well, when are you going to drink it? Well, can you call me in about four hours? I like that. Don't take away my paper mashay, ready-mix, concrete, chocolate milk. milkshakes McDonald's? I don't need to see granola and porridge and

a frappuccino and whipped cream. I don't want to see apple slices and salads and Chipotle and what the hell is Chipotle? I don't even like that word, Chipotle. Would you like some Chipotle? No, I want some freaking fries. Well, you should really try the Chipotle. What is it?

I don't know, but it's bloody delicious. Shut up and give me a quarter pounder. Oh, man, it's a sad day. I don't know, man. I'm worried about McDi-It turned me off. And look, I get it. Everything changes, you know? Everybody's into Starbucks now and Frappuccinos and Grandes.

And you know what? This is America, man. I want to hear the words. cheese burger and hamburger I don't need to hear Chipotle Barbecue Texas Ranch

What am I buying real estate? Let me ask you this guy How much per acre For what? How much per acre for that Chipotle Texas Barbecue Rant? Well, I'll tell you what You look like a nice guy

How about two grand an acre? You got anything smaller? Well, how small? I don't know. This is maybe the size of a hamburger patty? Good Lord, man. Come on, McDonald's. You've been the staple.

You've been Americana. You've been iconic. You've been part of the tapestry of America. Now you're going all Euro trash on me. I'm not kidding. I don't know if I want to go there anymore. for what it's worth. And I know, well, you're the older guy.

This is for the newer generation. This is for the younger kids who demand their Starbucks. I'll tell you what about the younger generation. You want to hear a true story? And I'm worried about the younger generation. I was in a Starbucks-style thing in L.A. the other day, right? It's called the coffee bean. It's like a popular coffee joint in Los Angeles.

similar to Starbucks. It's well-known, it's very popular. I don't think they have them across the rest of the country, but in L.A., they're just as popular as Starbucks, right? I've never had a coffee in my life, but I grew up on hot chocolate. I love hot chocolate. So every now and then,

when I want to break up the monotony or I have a break in-between meetings, I'll drop in to the coffee bean because they have a really good hot chocolate. Good old American hot chocolate, right? So I'm in there the other day. I ordered my hot chocolate. I'm waiting for them to brew it up. And in come like four young guys, okay?

I'm talking they were probably like in the final year of high school or maybe they were like first year college, okay? Now those are the years when you're kind of a troublemaker and you're a rebel and you're trying to figure out, life and you're trying to figure out girls and you're still not sure where you want to be or what you want to do. Life is a little confusing and edgy and, you know, you're still putting the pieces together. And as a result of that, you know, kids are kind of, at least in my day, kids were kind of, you

know, hardcore, or they could be unpredictable or they could be rebellious. they could be edgy and you know that was often displayed through clothing or through attitude or hair or makeup or whatever you know when most kids

were looking to cause trouble go shoplifting throw a rock through a window go drink some beers in the woods with their buddies burn a cat you know stuff like that kind of just that age where you're kind of like lost and misdirected.

So I'm standing there and in walks these guys that should have been all that, all that I just described, right? But instead they walk in, they got kind of really nice jeans, sweaters, like tight-fitting sweaters

that accentuated their adolescent physique. And I'm not kidding, I stood there, and they all had cell phones, and one of the one up to the counter and the other one started, bark in their orders like hey sam make sure you get me the uh ice frapp double trap flip flap

uh apuccino thing yeah make sure i get the cranberry uh uh parfait fluffolino yeah and you know what i want man give me the uh ice cooler uh capuchano or whatever it is and i was just standing there and i started to feel itchy and dirty and i was like are you telling me this is where kids are at This is where like goofy little high school boys are This is where young college brats are They're wandering in and ordering these fruity drinks This is the mindset now This is what we've come to

And I got to say it man And I know I've got some young listeners And I hope you're not offended But maybe this will help you These guys came off as not even being men to me i was like where the fuck do you go from here junior the four of you are in here in your sweaters ordering mint capa fropropos fluffishinos with whipped cream what the fuck fuck man up boys give you did you not know that you were born with a penis and you're a man

you want to start acting like a man you want to grow up and be a man man and i'm not saying by definition a man you know has to put his fists through a wall or crush a beer can on his head i hate that crap just as much but it was an essence thing it was an ambiance it was a feeling that these guys had no sense of masculinity they'm not saying they were gay or even effeminate it's just like something was missing There was like a vacuum and they didn't know how to be men or they didn't know how to be masculine or macho And I was just like sickened.

I was like, good God! It's like what happened to good old, tough old American boys It used to wear white t-shirts with a V-neck And give each other a look like they wanted to fight And maybe roll up on a motorcycle and spit And just be cool and silent. mysterious. Oh, God.

It turned my stomach, man. And these are like average guys. I'm not even pinning like, you know. I'm not even pinning anything like, like I said, fruity or anything on them. And yes, we know there's gay guys and that gay guys act a certain way. Some of them and some of them are very effeminate and whoopi do. That's who they are.

But these were just. Dudes, these were high school boys that looked like they were never going to make it. And then I started thinking, what do the women want now? What do the women get? What do the women got to look forward to? I was under the impression women still had a thing for a man's man, you know? You know, a guy who orders hot chocolate? Yeah, that's me.

oh god yeah it was disturbing and i guess you know this all comes from that's what mcdonald's is doing now they're softening everything it's like oh these people can't handle a straight old cheeseburger and fries and a shake man we got a come on let's give them something chipolet and fluffer nutters and let's soften it oh boy And I guess what really got under my skin is I started to feel in America that this sentiment is rippling through everything. It's kind of like an underlying feeling going through all of society, where I worry that young men and women are being franchised to death, they're being pottery barn to death, they're being starbuck to death, so that they don't really know what. it's like just to kind of hang out on a street corner with their buddies and get into trouble and be a kid they're being targeted by corporations to uh you know adopt the lifestyles that they're pedaling and all the kids are falling for it i don't know man just send me a good old farm boy and a

good old farm girl and let me see him just be raw man wow okay that was a long ass ramble can you tell i'm upset about mcdonalds and the direction we're going with all this soft stuff oh well there you go i got it out of my system and now i'm all parched and i'm going to go get a hot chocolate yes with whipped cream. Gotta have a whip cream on my hot chocolate. Hopefully hot chocolate is just hot chocolate. It's a good old staple. But who knows?

Maybe there was some guy standing behind me going, seriously. This fruity guy's getting a hot chocolate. Wow. Wow, man up, dude. You know what I'm drinking back here? Motor oil. Yeah. Motor oil with an anti-free

chaser, okay? Fembot. Oh, man. I don't know. Maybe it's just a generational thing. Tell me what you think. 888, 500, 2090. We'll keep the dialogue open. And, wow, I kind of went off the end of the show with that rant, but hey, what are you going to do? It's McDonald's fault. Get back to doing what you do right.

And speaking of food, we are at the end of the podcast. so sad as McDonald's is at the end of its old-fashioned burgers and fries. We're at the end of the podcast, but there's always good things down the highway. I don't forget October 7th and 8th. You can catch me at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California. And on October 14th and 15th, check me out in Tempe, Arizona. Unbelievable Club, the improv in Tempe, California. Tampa, Arizona, October 14th and 15th, and Flappers in Burbank, California, October 7 and 8.

Check out Harlow Williams.com. Send me a letter if you want, or you can call me 888, 52090. And don't forget, my new Disney movie is out on Blu-ray DVD. It's called Spooky Buddies, good little family film. And I hope you had a good time here. I thirtly did. And we will be back soon for your enjoyment. And until then, what can I say, chicken chau-main? With whipped cream?

No!