The Harland Highway - PODCAST 327

Episode Date: September 30, 2011

The crusafix, comedian Kathleen Madigan, termite control, Dr. Ascot, listener voicemails, the use of capital LETTERS. Smash my wash board! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the right time of the night for making love. Ah, no, it's not. It's the right time to be making a podcast. Dirty purves, making love. What's the matter with you? We're making podcast, and we're making a lot of podcast today. We're going to be talking about capital letters. Who here doesn't have trouble?

writing on their computer and hitting the caps key. It's driving me nuts. We're going to have a special stand-up comedy session from a very funny woman, Kathleen Madigan. We'll be on the podcast today. We'll be listening to some of her material. Crucifixes. Do you wear a crucifix?

If you do, let's talk about it. I think we need to talk about crucifixes. And speaking of someone who should be crucified, oh, God, Dr. Ascot is here today. It's that Friday where I have to do my therapy session on the air because that's what the producers of the podcast demand. Unbelievable. And talking about eating it.

Termites. Anybody got termites? We're going to talk about it. And listen to some of your voice. voice mails here on the harland highway welcome to the harland highway relax get ready to have fun wow what we've got here is failure to communicate one keith burger with everything coming up you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway look at me damien it's all for you this is harland williams i'm a human being

Oh, damn it! Hey, you are rolling down the Harland Highway. And are you one of these people that wear a crucifix around your neck? Huh? Do you wear a little cross, a silver, or a gold cross? Is it a symbol of your religion? Or is it that you're really just afraid of vampires? I don't know.

There's a lot of people in this. country with bad teeth, man. All right, I'm a Catholic. You know, I've had crucifixes around my neck at times. I know what it's all about. I respect the symbol. But the crucifix I wear isn't to show my faith. No, my crucifix is to keep British people away.

I mean, some of those Europeans got teeth that could chew through a car, man. It's like a tiger shark walking the earth. Grab a Scottish guy and have them open your can of beer. Here, let me get that for you, lad, huh? I see you're having trouble with your pop top. Let me rip the lid off your Heineken for you. Get the crucifix out It's a Scotsman

Well I guess you can find rotten teeth in any culture, right? The only problem is though If you're wearing a crucifix And you really do run into a vampire Most of the crucifixes around your neck are really tiny They're about the size of your thumbnail So as the vampire's flying at you're fumbling around, you rip

the crucifix off your neck, and you're trying to hold it up, three quarters of it is buried between your index finger and your thumb, man. So here comes the vampire to give you that immortal bite in the throat,

suck all your blood, and you're holding up this little tank, keep back. I've got a crucifix. And the vampire's like, I just see a little piece of metal sticking up from between your thumb and your index finger. Well, it's small.

The rest of the cross is behind there. Keep back. Yes, and let me guess you've got some garlic in your pocket, too. Yeah, you're screwed, man. Get a big crucifix. And do yourself a favor. Take a Scottish guy or an English guy out to lunch. Arlen Williams, looking out for your safety here on the Harland Highway.

Yeah, I guess at that point, if the cross was buried, you'd just be holding a plus sign up, really, right? All you'd see is what looked like a shiny gold plus sign. Vampire would be like, okay, mathematical symbols. I can get around that. I can suck blood through any type of mathematical symbol. No problem. What's interesting about crucifixes, too, is believe it or not,

they're a religious symbol, which, you know, religious symbols are, you know, brings forth all the stuff that goes with it, the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, and all the stuff in the Bible about sex and sin. And yet, do you ever notice with women? a lot of times the woman has the crucifix dangling right between her cleavage

and a lot of hot women have it and a lot of them have the open shirt or the dress or the skirt and there's the ample cleavage and dangling right in the middle of breast mountains is the sign for Jesus the symbol for Jesus

And it's weird because your mind goes to two places at once. You're like, oh, my God, Jesus, oh, my son of God, the Lord, I must be good. I must not be a sinner. But look at those booms. Woo! Woo! It's like God and the devil all in one place. You look at the crucifix and you think you should be holier than an altar boy.

but then if you if you look to the left of the right the devil jumps in you and is like give me those milk jugs right so it's weird man it is a weird place to be when the crucifixes slide between the bongo drums yowch Hey, this is Will from Florida.

I was listening to a podcast about large. Sunglasses on old people are you operating under a misconception? The sunglasses are normal size. It's just when you get old, your head shrink. Love the podcast. Hey, Harlan, what does a car that has a new set of good years have in common with an old guy who buys a condo in Miami Beach. They're both retired.

Thank you very much. Thank you. I got a million of them. Remember your waiters and waitresses. I'll be here all week. How's that steak, sir? Hey, Harlan, what's up, man? I just heard the new intro.

Yeah, it sucks. Just like you. Hey, Harlan, this is James calling from Ohio. So, first of all, I just wanted to say how much I love the podcast. I think you're hilarious, and I can't get enough of all the work that you do. So keep it up, man. Also, I had a suggestion for Dr. Ascot. I think he's coming on the show soon, and I thought it would be fun if he had a session where he suggested you change your name.

You know, kind of an honor of Justin Schlegel, like Bagel, changing his name. I mean, it sounds like a good idea, because you always kind of are up to be a little. dead with the way he pronounces Harlan, so I'm sure it couldn't go terribly wrong, right? Anyway, like I said, love the podcast, I love all the work that you do, and there's nothing left to say except chicken chowmaine, baby. Hello, Arland. Hello. Oh, hello, Dr. Ascot.

Thank you, Arland. Why do you make me say your name? Well, I say your name all the time, Arland. Yeah, I've noticed. It's a sign of respect, Holland. When you address someone by their name, it shows that you're tuned into who they are and that you respect their presence.

Well, so if I don't say your name, you'll disappear? Orland. What do you want to do today? I think we've stumbled on a touchy topic here, Arland. What are you talking about? I've just realized that you've become very sensitive, Arland, about using names. Well, it's just you say my name over and over.

I don't even think you announce it right. And you drag it out. You're like, Harland. There! You just did it. Right there, I heard it. Holland. Stop it! Holland, I see you're getting quite animated about this. Well, who wouldn't? I don't even like to hear my own name anymore, thanks to you.

Well, Arland. Yes? I think I have a solution, Arland. Oh, what is it? Why don't we change your name? Holland. What? People do it all the time in the celebrity world,

Holland, and you pretend you're a celebrity. Come on, what does that mean? Holland, I think it would be fitting. And an excellent change, that we change your name. I don't know if I like this. Well, you're clearly irritated by your own name, Holland. No, see?

I'm only irritated when you say my name. Holland. You sound like an owl or a, like a lizard or something. Holland, that's not possible. I'm a human being, Holland. Yeah, that's debatable, As Scott. Holland. So you're telling me, if I change my name...

Yes, Holland. It will prevent you from saying my real name long and drawn out the way you do i think so alland well then i'm up for it askot oh i'm up for this the day you can stop saying my name can't happen quick enough oh god let's this might be the best damn idea you've ever had thank you alland i appreciate the compliments oh believe me it's no compliment i'm just sick and tired of hearing your voice i'm sure my listeners want to jump off a cliff every time you say my name allan that's not nice no i'm i'm sold i want to do this give me a new name ascot something soft and quick and easy on the ears excellent alland i totally agree i think we're all the same page today

Good. This is great. Give me the new name. What is it? Cuntface. What? I'm going to call you Cuntface, Alland. You can't say that. Olin, I mean, Cuntface. Don't call me that. Olin, Gunnface, you said you wanted a new name, and here it is, Cunthace.

right on your front doorstep or maybe right in your lap are you laughing no what was that some kind of a joke but my cunt face has fallen right in your lap stop what what's the matter with you i do find a little bit of humor in it a cunt face Don't call me that. You can't, you can't even use the C word, let alone with face. Cunface. Oh, no, you're not replace,

Cunface, settle down. You're not replacing Har Island with Cunface. That is rude. It's degrading. You can't, that, that's going to cause me psychological trauma. I think you're overreacting here Cunt face All right

Get out Get out of here Get out of my office This isn't an office hall A cunt face It's a studio Well get out of my studio Whose studio is at our

Cuntface It's my studio And what's your name? My name is Harland. I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. My name is Harland. I'm sorry you'll have to speak up. My name is Harland. I can do this all day long, cunt face. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better. not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping

as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% sent off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw

your back out. My name is Cunface. Thank you. I'll see you next week, Cuntface. Get out of here, ass munch. Uh-uh. Name calling her, it's Cunface. Get out! Hey, it's Harlan Williams here, and if you're a fan of comedy, if you love the old stand-up comedy, which I know you do, you've got to check out this girl. Kathleen Madigan, this is a girl that I've worked with for years in the clubs at the festivals on HBO, everywhere. She's one of the tried and true staples of the comedy community. Excellent performer, excellent writer. Here's a little sample of Kathleen Madigan, giving us a little insight into the crazy world of UFOs and space creatures and rednecks from the good old U.S. of A. I don't think the world's any.

I think we have had weird weather. I'll admit that. I was working in Iowa. They had four tornadoes in one week, and they kept calling our hotel room going, we have tornadoes coming. We don't have a basement. So get your bathtub. I go, no, I think I'd rather be. He doesn't fly naked on Iowa on a bathtub.

You don't want to see that on CNN the next day. Two farmers tend and they're going, Well, now first we thought she was a UFO. Because it's always guys like that meeting the UFOs, isn't it? I think that's why the aliens don't ever stay. Look at the people they meet when they get here. Every time they come, they land in the middle of no one. wear me two guys in overalls and no teeth that are standing there going

come here you little critters go on now earl and me take y'all bowling if you had to cut more fingers on you if you think about it i'll tell you earth is like the Alabama of the universe we don't even know it I think there's aliens a lot of people go know there's no proof I'm like yeah I know but what if they're just smarter than us and that's why we don't know they're here. Like fish, don't know we're up here, but we're certainly snagging them

whenever that would be up. I bet if we drain the ocean, we find, like, 20 million tiny posters of pictures of fish and just say, missing. And think about, like, the fish we catch, you know, some of them we eat, someone we just keep his pets.

I bet, you know, all of our missing people, after a while we go, they're probably dead. And I think, well, what if they're not? What if right now? They're just pets on other planet? What if there's Martians looking in terrariums going, wow, look at that Irish one. It's still drinking. All the other ones fell out hours ago.

That Mexican one won't get up between two and four. A Chinese one won't quit yelling at either one of them. Because I bet every time we catch a fish, the other fish were just swimming around and going, hey, wait a bit. Where did Bill just get? And you know when we throw Bill back, the other fish do not leave his story about where he was. Oh, sweet Kathleen, Madigan, sweet little Irish girl.

Oh, just hilarious. Kathleen's been on Leno and Letterman and Conan and everywhere. Make sure you look her up on YouTube and Facebook, let her know you saw her on the Harland. I heard her on the Harland Highway. I know she'll get a kick out of that. And we'll have her back on again one of these days. Now, here's something that's not so funny, okay?

And all of you have done this, unless, you know, you live in a cave somewhere. And if that's the case, I don't know how you're listening to this podcast. It's magic. But we all have computers, and how often do you hit the damn caps? button in the middle of something you're writing okay and you're writing away and you don't realize you've hit it and you look up and half your letters in capital letters it happens to me every week and I hate it and you know what I think I saw a thing for an app I think there's now an app now that alerts you if you've hit the caps button and uh you know

I don't even mind if this app, like, it's like an old, like, Warner Brothers cartoon. Like, from right out of my screen on my laptop, like a boxing glove on a retractable arm comes out and punches me in the face. Bong! Right? Just pow! Thank you. Thank you for notifying me that I have my stupid caps thing on. And it's so bizarre, too, because when it goes on, you'll be like, let's say you're writing,

Dear Carol, I really enjoyed our meeting. I'm looking forward to coming to, and then all of a sudden in capital letters, Ohio next week, for our follow-up meeting. And she's reading, she goes, whoa, why is he so excited about the follow-up meeting? Why is he so aggressive about it? What's the capital letters? What's going on? What? Maybe I should cancel the meeting.

Maybe he's angry about something. Right? It's bizarre. And then the other thing, what's even worse is when you put somehow, I don't know how it happens, like your fingers go flying all over the keyboard. And all of a sudden,

halfway through a word, it's gone capitalist. It's gone capitalist, yeah. Right? Let's say you're writing the word elevator, and you've got E-L-E-V, and then A-T-O-R, or however it's spelled, is in capitals. Like the last half of the word is huge. It's like the elephant man of words. It's like it's got a normal top bottom, but then the lower portion's got elephant titus. And then there's, you know, everything's swollen up and grotesque and big and horrifying. That's not a word. Like, how would you say that?

Would you say the top part softly and then the bottom part loudly? Like, Jimmy took a ride up the elevator! Jimmy, where have you been? I was just stuck on the elevator! Jimmy, did he press the cap button in your mind? yes they did sorry oh god it's annoying and the other one that kills me too is when you write to the okay it's two words let's say i'm going to the store i'll meet you there well what i always do is i always type two and the really fast and what i always get is i am taught

he the store right it's always tot he somehow the t for the ends up at the end of two so i've got tot and instead of the having a t it's a h e tot taught he excuse me so would you like a hot totty no but i'd really appreciate a to the well we're all out of those sir well in that case bring me a to he a totty yes sir you're a little confused aren't you dumbass stop it i don't know somebody's got to design a key you want to make three million dollars design a keyboard that speaks okay that's my free invention to you create us a keyboard that talks every time you touch something that seems out of the ordinary it just tells you you. Right? You're just

typing wrong. Caps button, idiot. Oh, thank you. You're welcome, stupid. Spacebar, stupid. Oh, thank you. Caps button again, moron. You deleted something, retard. Caps button again, stupid, dumbass. Right? Or just give me the boxing glove.

Could there be a bigger little pest in the world than termites? I mean, these things are voracious. They love to eat. They're very deceiving because they're small little guys. They're like tiny little ant-like things. They're termites. I don't even know if they're members of the art and family. I guess they are, right?

Termites like to eat But they don't go out like normal ants And grab a ladybug or an inch worm No this is what these guys like to eat right It's like hey Billy you want to go out and get some dinner Yeah you got it man what should we have I had my eyes on a beautiful house Feel like eating a house

Oh yeah I love to eat a house man delicious What's for dessert? I don't know maybe we'll have a cottage Oh excellent let's go What the hell? These little guys, their favorite dish is a house. Go have a beetle, huh? Go eat a locust or something.

Get yourself a nice, juicy centipede at the termite drive-thru. Leave my tool shed alone. Leave my airplane hanger alone. Thank you very much, you little freaks. Makes me wonder. If the terrorists didn't get the World Trade Center, these guys would have. Hey, man, you want to take down the Trade Center? Oh, okay, I'm so hungry I could eat a house, but I guess the World Trade Center sounds good.

Unreal. I'm going to call Ant Man and have them come and destroy the termites at my house. Watch your wood, people. Watch your wood here on the Harland Highway. Ugh, God, it's weird, isn't it? They'll just never run out of food, those little guys. They'll just keep going and go long after mankind's, like, nuked himself. The termites are just going to have a field day, man.

Oh, look at all the houses. Where to begin? Oh, it's like an all-you-can-eat buffet. Oh, delicious. Let's see, I'll take that 70s A-frame. first and then I think I'll have a little dabble of that duplex and that condo looks absolutely to die for oh and look at that single-level bungalow my god what a delicacy oh oh Charles oh oh Nelson oh termite oh oh oh oh

And you ever see these people that try to get rid of the termites? They get them in their house, and so they have to put a tent around their house. Suddenly their house looks like a carnival. I think I've talked about that before, where they put that big striped, like they cover up your whole house. It looks like your house turns in. It looks like one of those jumping sponge castles. You know, the kids get them on their birthdays,

and they all go inside and jump up and down on the, the air. That's what it looks like when the exterminators put the big blue or red or yellow thing around your house. Suddenly kids line up down the streets like termites. Just millions of kids now waiting to get into your house to jump up and down. Then they sneak in, they jump up and down, inhale all the toxic gases. And there goes all the kids in your neighborhood. So look at that. Your house is termite free. No more chewing. No more eating your house. And it's the quietest house in the neighborhood because you killed all the kids when they walked into your termite circus tent. Um, what a bonus. What a side bonus. I know very mean, but you know you want it.

Ha ha ha. Oh boy. And as much as you want it, as much as you want more. I hear you hate to say it. We are out of time, man. I just exterminated the rest of the show. Can you believe it? Oh, boy. Well, it was a fun show. We had a good time. Don't forget to check out our new Facebook page, The Harland Highway Podcast. That's all you need to type in on Facebook, and that'll take you right to the Harland Highway Facebook page where you guys can start communicating and I try to leave pictures and videos and announcements up there too. So you'll see a picture of me and a purple shirt with my shades on.

That's the page. Get on there and enjoy each other. Don't forget, you can visit harlowe Williams.com. Check out my stand-up schedule. Go to the store. Send me a letter or if you need to call me and leave me a message 888-529. 90. Always love hearing from you the good, the bad, and the ugly. I don't care. I play it all. It's real life. And that's the way it goes down, man. Can't make everyone happy. You can't make everyone sad.

So there you go. Go eat your house, and I'm going to go eat a big fat bowl of chicken chalmain, babe. be? Thank you. Thank you.