The Harland Highway - PODCAST 328

Episode Date: October 3, 2011

The letter 'S', Eskimo sled teams, listener voice mail, George Michael promotes new charity. Bless my blisters, misters!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Knock, knock, knock in on podcast. Yep, you are knocking on a podcast door right now. It's the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome, each and every one of you. So happy you can be here. We're going to have some fun. Oh, we're going to have some fun. We're going to be talking about a lot of things today.

We're going to be talking about S's. Yeah, I won't tell you what that means, but it's probably one of the most annoying things I've ever encountered in my life. S's. Hang around and waity here. Maybe you'll be annoyed, too, I think you will. And speaking of annoying, we have Timmy, the Campfire Kid, coming in today to sing Campfire songs.

What a dill weed. We're going to be talking about Eskimos. I don't know if I have any Eskivores. Eskimo listeners. I hope I do. There's no reason why I shouldn't have Eskimo listeners. And this is kind of exciting, I guess, but George Michael is going to be calling in. And apparently he started a new charity, which is always a good thing. You know, we like to support charities.

We should always be looking out for our fellow humans trying to help. And so he's going to call in right here on the Harlan. Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it. Hey, this is Harland Williams on the Harland Highway, riding along with you, keeping you safe, keeping you comfortable, keeping your room temperature, just the way you need to be, and if you get angry, if you get road rage, do the sensible thing, pull over, take a deep, deep breath, and go kick the crap out of a cow. Okay, I didn't mean that. That was not nice. Go kick the crap out of a vegetarian, is what I meant. You know what I want to do? Speaking of transportation, I think it's time for yours truly to do the Iditarod.

The Iditarod Arctic run across the Alaska Tundra through bear country, through wolf country. I want to put together a sled team. But I don't want Huskies. you ever notice huskies always have different colored eyes one eyes blue one eyes green i want to get a team of people together i want to get david bowie he's got two different colored eyes i want marilyn manson on my sled team i want him out in front of me and i'm whipping them i'm whipping them i'm whipping I'm hard. Yeah.

Yeah. Come on, Bowie. Ha! On Manson, on Bowie. Kha! Kha! Kha! And I want to name myself.

I'm going to give myself an Eskimo name. Like, something sexy, like, Tung Tung, Kankankank, Tunk, Tunk, Tung Kank kank, Tunk, Tunk, Tunk, Kankank, Kank. Ukalank Kank, Tunk, Tunk, Tunk. Ukalankka.

Tunk. Try saying that when you're in the middle of having sex. Ooh, ooh, harder. Tukalong Tunka Tinka Tunk-Tunk-A-Long-Tunk-A-Long-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K. Yeah, yeah, right there, right there. That's the spot. Tinka-Tunk-Tunk-A-Tank-Tank. Not easy, but sexy.

I want to be a sexy Eskimo with a sexy team of rock stars, husky people. And I'm going to win it. I don't need any other dogs. I just need David Bowie and Marilyn Manson And me whipping them Driving them through the night Through the rain, through the snow, through the ice And hopefully there's an Arby's drive-thru somewhere out there

We'll drive them right through that Give them a nice Arby's Cheta Seal meat Twirl Oh man, I can just see the trophy now Sitting on my mantle right there beside the stuffed head of my grandmother. Oh, well, we all have our dreams.

That's why we're driving down the Harlan Highway to try and make them happen. Keep dreaming, people. Honk, honk, toot, peep, beep, beep, on the Harlan Highway. All night. She was a young American. Shut up, boy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And speaking of whipping Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And speaking of whipping, you know who needs a good whipping? And this may sound mean, but, oh, it drives me nuts.

Have you ever run into a person? And more often than not, I don't know why it's a female. and I guess it's because they have a higher-pitched voice than men but if you ever ran into a human being who over-enunciates their S's and not only do they over-enunciate their S's but and I can't even recreate it but they have like I don't know if they've got a crooked front tooth

or it's a Lisp or it's I don't even know what causes it but it's it's just this cutting i'm not even doing it you can hear it it's like let me see what's something with an s in it let's go shopping at the super store right so it'll be like let's go shopping at the super store and and there's like it's almost sounds like uh you ever hear a knife when you hear a knife being rubbed on another knife you know how when uh chefs have a knife they use in the kitchen, and they rub it up and down on that knife sharpening thing,

and it makes that noise, that steel-on-steel noise. Oh, God. Just for a split second when they do the S, that gets put into the middle of it. And it's like this very hard S. And it seems to cut through all other noise. It seems to cut through Muzak. It cuts through ambiose.

noise, it cuts through conversations, and it's just there. You can start to hear it when they're speaking. Oh, it drives me crazy. It's just, and they don't know they're doing it. They don't know they have it, and I don't know if any of you have ever heard it. But it makes me sick, sick to my stupid stomach. And I need it to stop. Oh, God.

Every word I'm using to try and combat that's has an s in it. So I don't know. Talk on a tape recorder or something. Ask your friends if they hear anything that's suspicious. And if you're one of those people, man, go to the dentists. and get some speech therapy or something or get your mouth reconstructed or just put your face on a curb

and ask someone to stomp on the back of your neck. Do something to stop the... All right, I can't even talk about this anymore. I'm out. Don't you mean you're stopping? No, I'm out. I'll say you are. Shut up.

Did you say shut up? Ah! Wow! All right. You are going to absolutely flip out over what I'm about to tell you. Have you ever taken your car in for servicing? and the guy gets underneath your car. He lifts it up on the...

Oh, Harlan. What? It's Roger. Hang on. What do you want, Roger? Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Why is someone calling on the hotline? I'm doing a podcast.

Line six. Oh, for God's sakes. Put them through. Who is it? What is this? It's just music. This is just music. What is this?

Is this Wham? Oh, no. Is this who I think? it is? Oh no, don't let it be. Hello, Arland. How are you today? Oh. What's with the heavy sigh, Arland? No, it's just George. It's George Michael. You always just say half of it. And it's my feelings deep inside. I'm very

sensitive. All right, George Michael. How do you get the... I'm in the middle of a podcast. Well, I thought maybe your listeners would like to hear what I have to say. Roger It's George, George Michael I know Roger is my producer Hello Roger Hi, it's me Roger

All right, you two stop talking What do you want George Michael Well I want you let you know I've got a wonderful new A new item for charity, Harland Okay charity, what do you mean I guess I can't hang up on you If this is about charity

Well exactly Holland What I've done Remember Paul Newman the old actor, Paul Newman. Of course, we all know Paul Newman, Cool Hand, Luke, the hustler, an incredible actor. Yeah, well, he had a line of his own food and all the money he made from it. Yeah, I know the Newman's own, like Newman's own popcorn, Newman's own salad dressing. Newman's own spaghetti sauce.

Yeah, okay, I got it. Well, what he did all is almost all the proceeds he made from his line of food. right he gave it to charity so isn't that nice he gave all the money he made to charity to charity that's what I said to charity

okay he gave his money to charity yes I can't argue that is a good thing so what I've done all it is I've introduced my own line what do you mean your own line you know like Paul Newman did it instead of Newman's

own it's called George Michael's own oh so you you have a food line now. Yes, well, not food, but I do have a product, and every little piece of the proceeds it's going to go to a charity, Arland. All right, well, what is it if it's not food?

What's the name of your product? It's called George Michael Schittwad. Excuse me? George Michael Shitwad, Holland. What is shitwad? Yeah, everybody in life, Holland, every now and then drops a giant brown, tray in the toilet.

Drops a what? A giant brown trout, Arland, right in the toilet. Every day everyone just plops out a monster loaf of brown bread. Okay, do you have to be so graphic? Well, everyone does it, it's a fact of life, right?

And what I've done is I've come up with George Michael's shit ward. Okay, that's just... And what it is, it's toilet paper. Okay. And it's got my picture printed on it, And after you've taken a giant lump load...

All right, come on. After you've dropped a meatloaf into the toilet... Come on! What you do is you get a piece of George Michael's shit wand and you wipe your cracky. What, your what? You're cracky, Harlan. Oh, see, this is a little...

What, you don't like charity. You don't like helping the retardes. All right, you don't call them that, George Michael. Well, what you call them then? That's what we call them here. in London, you've got a kid who's got a, you know, a squitched up face or maybe a little slow, you know, can't lick an ice cream cone without using his cheeks. Well, what the hell is that?

Well, that's what you call retard. Okay. Look, this is for cherry. This is for the little retard. Can we call them mentally challenged? Well, you can call them whatever you like, Arlen, but they're funny retards, aren't they? Oh, God. This is so inappropriate.

Well, you tell that to them when they're sitting in the little toilet at the retard home. They're not in a retard home. And they're perched over the toilet dropping off Brownie the county. Oh, God. And all of a sudden, they can't find anything to wipe the little cracky with. The little retardant cracky, because they got no shitwad. Oh, this is to come on. So what you do is I plan to put a role of George Michael's shitwad in every retarine.

Stop saying retard home. That's insulting and is politically incorrect. Well, look, I don't know how you speak over in the America, but here, that's what we call it. And it's not the United, uh, the, uh, neda. What, what did you just say? I was repeating you, you're trying to say the United States of America, and you're like, it's all borderline. What, you want to say retarded, Holland? No, I'm not going to say that word.

Well, what you say... Well, what you say then, it looks like you did my voice, but I'm a mistake for a second there, Holland. Well, I'm all mixed up because you're... Come on, shitwad. That's right. George Michael Shitwad. And it's scented, Harlan. What do you mean it's scented?

Well, Paul Newman had all kinds of food products, and I don't want to do food. But if you think about it, Arlen, what comes out at the other end is just food. It's in a lump. Okay, don't... It's in a big chocolate lump. Don't enunciate in my ear. What, lump? Stop saying lump in my ear.

Lump. A big chocolate brownie the clowny lump. Oh, God. Okay, so what are you trying to tell me here? What I'm saying, Arlen, it's me, George Michael Shittward, is scented like food. Oh, you got to be kidding. Now, I'm not kidding, all, and we've got... George Michael's lasagna shitwad. Oh, God.

Like, if you're Italian. Oh, my God. Or I've got George Michael's shitwad lobster dinner, if you like seafood. Oh. Oh, you got George Michael's clam chowdy shitwad if you've got a runny one. Oh, God. I've had enough. Hang up. And all in all the money's going to do the retard. Stop saying it.

All the money's going to cherry. Arlen, after we cover our cars, which will probably take a number of decades. Okay, I smell a fish. Well, yeah, we also have a black cod, George

Michael's shit ward. All right, I've heard enough. Something's not right here. Get them off the line. Ollie, wait, I haven't finished telling you about our George Michael tampon line. Okay, hang him up. It's called George Michael's blood clot. And it...

Hang up on me. this guy. And it's for those really heavy days and they smell like celery. Get him. Hang up on him. Don't hang up, Arland, don't hang up. Get him off.

Get hang up on him. God. Roger. Oh, God's sakes. That is vile. Sorry, boss. I want to apologize right now to my listeners. For him,

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Using the R-word, you don't call little children that are mentally challenged retards. inappropriate and unforgivable. And he has his own toilet paper line. George Michael shitwad? Got to be kidding me. Roger, we got to hire a screener or something like that. I mean, this guy keeps getting through somehow. I said I was sorry.

Unbelievable. Let's move on to something. Again, I apologize. That is just wrong. Wrong language to use. George Michael should be ashamed. And I'm not endorsing that product. I don't know if he was looking for a free commercial or what.

I ain't buying it. Lazzania-scented shit toilet paper. Roger, move on. Let's go to the next bit. Okay, as much. And watch the sarcasm. I'm sorry, Harland. Idiot.

And I remember this time, I was, camping and just as we were about to you tell them the rest harland it's great oh yeah i remember this one man all right just as we were about to go to sleep it got really cold right the temperature started to drop and we're like holy crap man we're in this flimsy little tent we got these loser like walmart sleeping bags and the only thing we had left was an old frying pan and some bacon, right? And we're like, I got it. Why don't we fry up all the bacon, right? We'll wrap ourselves in it like mummies and climb into the tent and be warm all night. I mean, what a great plan it was, right? So there we go. We fry up the bacon, you know,

the moons in the sky, the stars are twinkling, the smell of bacon's filling the air, wafting, through the forest and we get all our clothes off and we just start wrapping we just start wrapping from the ankles up right up and we just leave like little slits for eyes so we can see each other and then like a strip over the nose kind of like one of those breathe easy things right except it's a strip of bacon so there we are we're a couple of bacon mummies and man we are just the right temperature, we get into the tent, we slip into our sleeping bags, and my God, if we didn't sleep like little babies, well, I slept like a little baby. I woke up in the morning and, you know, his, I don't like to say his name, entrails were there and a few bones and really nothing left

to the sleeping bag. And, you know, it was the last time we, you know, the last time we, you know, we went camping but um it was good um it was really good especially for the Codiac bear that and um

I I oh god I miss Timmy Oh, hang on, there's someone at the door. Roger, who's here? I don't have anything scheduled. Who is it? Hi, it's me, Timmy.

Oh, God, kid, what are you doing here? Don't give me your attitude. I'm not giving any attitude. I'm doing a podcast, kid. yeah well i've got some campfire songs to sing what do you want why do you why do you have to bring your campfire songs here because my father works here and he said i can sing campfire songs all right take it easy up yours stop telling me up yours yours up what was that i said it backwards what Up yours!

Oh, what do you want, kid? I want to do some campfire songs. Roger, why do you let your nephew in here? Unbelievable. This isn't your family forum, Roger. This is a serious podcast. Yeah, my ass. Hey, watch it, kid.

Up yours. Stop saying that. Yours up once again. I know you turned it around. well let me turn it back around the other way up yours all right hurry up do your stupid songs and get out of here all right let me get my guitar oh right like you really know how to play it i know how to play it better than you know how to play your wife what does that mean you know what it means just play your stupid song kid timmy don't say my name like that well what that's your name say it nice Just play, Timmy. All right! Here's my first campfire song.

Peaches and cream! Peaches and cream! We are the girls of the Calumet team! Peaches and cream! Peaches and... Stop! Peaches and cream! We are the girls of the Calumet team.

Stop! What's the matter with you? What do you mean? You're the girls of the Calumet team. It's a campfire team. fire song. Peaches and cream. We are the girls of the Calumet team. Well, girls can camp too, you know. Oh, God, kid. You are ass backwards. Oh, you want it backwards again, huh? Yours up. Oh, God. Can you get out of here? I have more songs. How many you doing, kid? I got two more ass.

and stop using the A word. All right, what about I put an O in front of it? What's that spell? Oarse. Hurry up. Okay. Oh, roll that canoe. Stroke, stroke, stroke, roll that canoe and stroke across the lake.

Stoke and stroke and stroke and stroke, and stroke. All right, enough. I said stroke and stroke, enough. I hope you have a stroke. You old bag. Watch your mouth, kid. Ah, you're an old bag. Go have a stroke.

And while you're having it, up yours! All right, get to your last stupid campfire song. I don't know any camp in the world that would sing this crap. Ah, go eat some lasagna. Hurry up. All right, I'm doing my last one. God. Crankety old cracker?

Hurry up, kid, Timmy. Okay, here I go. Let me play into it. Oh, if you're like peanut caledna and getting high in the rain, do do, do, if you like making love at midnight, oh, oh, and eating yogurt and champagne, oh, stop it. If you like onion buns and French fries, I'll stop it. Getting high on the sand.

Stop singing Pena Colana. It's not a campfire song. It is so. It's a song about a guy who's dissatisfied with his relationship with his wife, so he tries to sneak an affair by putting an ad in the one ads, in the personal columns. Boy, I bet that sounds familiar to you. What does that mean?

Oh, maybe you and your wife are a dead lay. All right, you don't need to be talking about my sex life. What sex life, you old bag? Get out of here. I'm not finished. If you like making love at midnight, oh, oh, and eating chocolate champagne. Stop it. If you like finding museums in the midnight.

Stop. Get out! Up yours! Have a peanut collata. If you like peanut, let mea-c-la-ta-out! If you like, up yours, you old bag,

out! What a knob. Roger, please. No more bringing your relatives in here. Summer is over, and here we are, this kid's coming in and singing campfire songs to me. Oh, God. This thing has gone off the rails.

It's gone off the effing rails. What a weird song. You know, it's funny when you think about that song, the Pina Colada song. It was at a time when if you wanted to have a promiscuous affair or you wanted to, like, get a message out to someone anonymously, or you wanted to connect out there in the world. You had to actually call up a newspaper,

and you had to take out an ad, and you had to, like, you know, pay for spaced to make an announcement, and I think they charged you by the line or the word. And it wasn't cheap. and it was kind of a really primitive way to communicate, I guess. Whereas if you look at things now, you go on the Internet, you can figure out a way literally to, you know, if you wanted to get a plane ticket to outer space,

if you wanted to pay $7 million to be an astronaut on the, you know, the Russian spaceship, you could probably find a way to figure that out. So times have been a change in kid And speaking of times a change in Don't forget This doesn't have anything to do with times of changing But don't forget my new movie Spooky Buddies is out

It's a family movie So the half-bake crowd You might not like it But a lot of the half-baked crowd who grew up with me maybe you have half-baked kids now and you're going what do I show my kids man

I can't I can't show them the movies I was watching when I was a kid I can't show my six-year-old half-baked man right so you're trapped now you're you're learning you're seeing what it's like to go through the circle of life so now you got to get the Disney movies so uh yeah check it out it's uh called spooky buddies it's a Halloween movie and what's cool about it is you know there's never really been a Halloween movie made for kids we've got a ton

of horror movies that you know we make for the adults but there's a million christmas movies but no one's ever really tackled the Halloween theme yet so uh and it is probably one of the most favorite holidays of the year for kids um So check it out if you have kids. It's a cute movie. I play the bad guy in the movie, but there's lots of fun talking puppies. And I've said this before for all the kind of edgy material I've done in my life, you know, the racy sophomoric cutting edge comedy and stuff like that.

I have to say it's always nice to also put out a product that is family-friendly and just, you know, kind of leaves behind a little trail of fun and innocence. And that's certainly what this movie is. It's only available on DVD. So, you know, you can go online and look for it. You can go to Walmart, all those places. And speaking of that, oh, I want to tell you about this so badly, but I can't yet. But let me give you a hint in the new year.

a new family-friendly series I'm going to be involved with with Nickelodeon and I can't let the cat out of the bag yet that's just a little teaser but I'll fill you in more as we get closer to the date when I get the green light where I'm able to tell you all about it and I'm very excited for you to see this new show that I'm going to be doing in the new year. So there you go.

Little, little hints I'm handing out here. And this next statement isn't a hint. Sadly, it's a fact. We're at the end of the podcast. What? No! Yes. Yes, spooky buddies.

We are at the end of the podcast. But we had a great time, didn't we? Kind of a weird collection of a guest. today morons but aren't they always um hey make sure you uh check yours truly out uh i'll be at flappers comedy club in burbank california october seven and eight and then i'll be at the improv uh friday october 14th and 15th and 16th in Tempe, Arizona. And then, if you're in Minnesota, and I know some of you are, I will be at a great comedy club called The House of Comedy,

and that'll be Thursday through Sunday, October 20, 21, and 22. So it's a big fall. I'm doing a lot of touring, and make sure you come out and catch the kid in action. And I look forward to seeing you there. So that's it. We're going to wrap it up for today. I hope you had a good time. Please tell your friends about the Harlan Highway.

Don't forget you can write at Harlan Williams.com. You can pick up the show at Stitcher.com for your cellular device. And that's all I got. Well, I got more, but that's all I got for today. But there is lots more. Trust me. Until that time, have a great one. And chicken chamein, baby.

It's called George Michael Shipwad. Excuse me?