The Harland Highway - PODCAST 329

Episode Date: October 5, 2011

Is taxing the rich right? Is it fair? Computer codes, and actress/model Amber Rachelle Coyle drops in for more triple X talks. Lemon my lemon juice!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet Lord Almighty, we got ourselves a podcast. Yeah, we got a humdinger today, man. We've got a little bit of the absurd, the obnoxious, the unspeakable, the unthinkable. We've got wacky, silly, and then on the other side, we have kind of serious and introspective and thought-provoking. So it's both sides of the coin today, man. um we're going to be talking about uh computer codes and uh computer passwords and uh then uh my friend amber rachel coil is dropping by she's a model she's an actress beautiful young woman and the mouth on her you will not believe some of the topics we get into i'm not even

going to tell you i'll let you hear it for yourself so she's going to be here we're going to have some laughs. And then on the serious side, you know, I'm a little bit upset about this whole let's tax the rich thing. I don't like it. I feel like it's a little bit un-American. And so I'm going to get my viewpoint across, and we'll see how you feel about it. But a great show today, man. It's the Yin and the Yang, the Wacky, the Wild, and the Serious on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Boop-bip-bub-boop-boop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo- What's that, R-2? You've got diarrhea. Oh, Ar-2, all over my new space slippers.

Oh, yes, technology. Hello, this is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway motoring along with you at whatever RPM you are going at. Um, are we sick of technology yet, people? If I have to learn one more password, if I have to create one more username, if I have to register one more code, I am joining the FBI, man. I am going to be the new 007. I mean, I know more codes and more passwords than the average Russian spy.

I got one for MySpace. I got one for my website. I got one to log on to AOL. I got one for PayPal. I got one for eBay. I got one for this. I got one for that. Oh, my God. I don't even remember half of them. I can't even access anything. Every one of them is different. I got one for Yahoo. I got one for Pick Your Face.org. I got one for Pizza Pieass McGee. dot net i got one for cocoa butter bongo face dot c a org dot slash org ah no more i hate it can't we just have one password and one code i swear i'm the new double o seven man oh i'm just giving all my computers away i'm gonna go get a big log out of the woods and just bongo drum my messages to everybody. Bongo drum log.netorg just chant and Malaysian jungle talk. you don't get my message that's your problem should have logged in you would have got it oh well

I better get in my Flintstone's car start running my feet I got to get you people home here on the Harland highway and speaking of running yes this has been running through my head I guess you could call it a little bit of politics or a little bit of, I don't know, social commentary. You'd be the judge, but, you know, this election's heating up, which is crazy because it's more than a year away. I mean, good Lord.

I think that these guys at the news media are just like completely bored or they're looking for something to talk about, so they're hyping up the election, which is over a year away. Can you imagine? Well, the election's going to be here in four years. We better get started on the coverage. But one of the hot topics right now, which I don't love, and you may love,

but I'll express my thoughts on it, is Obama's doing this whole, the rich should be paying more than the poor, right? He's doing this whole class thing where the rich people tax-wise should be paying more than those that don't make a lot because that's going to help balance the budget. When the reality is that the rich already pay a lot of taxes, they pay more than other people, and, you know, the amount of millionaires in the United States is only something like about 250,000. So even if you tax them 100%, it's not going to put a dent in the damn deficit. And so that's one, you know, conversation in itself where either you can agree or disagree. But what's really bothering me is a lot of these billionaires and millionaires are stepping up, like Warren Buffett and people of his ilk.

I'm like, hey, man, yeah, let's raise those taxes. I want to pay more taxes. I want to pay more taxes. Tax me more, please. I'm happy to pay more taxes. Well, you know what? How about, were you like that before you made your money? It's easy to say once you're there,

once you're living in the 90 bedroom mansion and flying your private jet, and, you know, you've got money invested in the market, and your billions makes millions just about every week just off of your market play and the interest on your money in the bank and your industries and your enterprises that are successful and just keep churning out money.

Sure. Pave the way for everyone else. It's easy to say when you're living in the house on the hill, right but maybe not so much for the guy that's uh you know getting close to making his first million maybe there's some guy that made uh you know just over 250 grand or maybe just made a half a million for the first time in his life maybe he wants to go out and get his first home and buy a nice car and he's worked for 25 friggin years and he's finally getting to the mountain top and suddenly he's clustered in with the rich and while Warren Buffett's there, you know,

leading the charge, this poor guy or girl who's finally said, you know what, I worked my ass off my whole life. I finally did it. I finally crested. I crossed the million dollar threshold or I crossed the $500,000 threshold. Man, I am going to kick back and enjoy it. I am going to, I'm to spoil myself a bit. I'm going to pamper myself a bit. I earned it. I earned it. I worked hard for it. And that's what this country is about. And I'm glad I live in a country where I'm afforded the opportunity to be rewarded for my blood, sweat, and tears. And by God, I'm going to do it. Oh, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. I'm Warren Buffett, and I'm one of the richest men in the world, and I want to be taxed more because I'm rich, and if you're rich, you fall into the same

category, and please tax us some more. I don't know, man. It just seems... You know what, if Warren Buffett or any other rich guy wants to pay more tax, guess what? You're allowed to do it. There's nothing stopping you from cutting a check to the United States government. If that's your mindset, if that's where you live, if that's what you want to do, now that you've made it and you're okay and you've been living high on the hog for most of your adult life,

it sure is easy to stand up on the soapbox and tell the world you want to pay more. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's a bit pretentious and a bit arrogant, and it almost reeks of you showboating and going, look how rich you. I am. I'm so rich. I want to give more of it away. Look what I did. It's a little bit pompous, maybe. And the real answer to fixing the economy, although I don't know the real answer, but I'm going to guess here, is that the government starts, watches what it's spending. And sits down and looks at the economy and looks at expenditures the way a responsible person would. running a household. How much are we spending on heating? How much are we spending on groceries?

How much we're spending on repairs? How much we're spending on air conditioning? How much we... And you do the math and you look at where you need to cut and where you can trim and where you can save. And you look at that on a grandiose scale with all the programs and public services that make this country work. and if you have to trim some stuff or shut some stuff that maybe isn't crucial that's where you go and again I'm not an economist but I'm just trying to

you know spout maybe some common sense if I have any I mean you're talking about getting common sense from a guy that you know has a podcast where he has a guy like cinnamon boy okay so what do I know but you know i just don't like i don't like it that people should feel guilty or be penalized for working hard and attaining wealth wasn't that one of the good things about this country

you know what wasn't uh wasn't russia a communist the USSR a communist country where the government distributed the wealth isn't china a communist country where uh you know your money gets put where the government wants it put that's what set us apart man that that's why we were the the land of dreams the land of freedom that's why people wanted to come here for the american dream because they knew if they came from an impoverished existence there was a place at the end of the rainbow where they're like oh my god i work in the dominican republic and i cut sugar cane for 40 years and i carry it on my back and we don't have much of an infrastructure here and i make four dollars a day i make three thousand dollars a year on my back in the fields with the tarantulas and

the snakes i have arthritis i'm old i'm tired and you're telling me there's a country where if I go and I decide to do whatever I want and open a variety store, a convenience store, or a donut shop, or a Mr. Submarine, or I invent something that people want, I can just have unlimited wealth. I can take care of myself, my family, my friends,

whatever I want to do with it. I can reinvest it. I can spend it in Vegas. if I want. I can roll it up and burn it if I want. It's the land of the free. So I don't like it that they're picking on the wealthy, man. You know, do I wish that I had what some of these people have? Sure, don't we all?

How many of you listening right now wouldn't love to have a private jet at your disposal? how many of you would like to go out onto the driveway of your mansion and step into your Ferrari and then come home and take a dip in your swimming pool lined with gold right but uh we can't all be there but do we begrudge the people that made it work do we uh do we penalize and uh chastise the people that got there. It doesn't mean they're happier. It doesn't mean they're better. It just means they did something.

They accomplished something. If the guy that invented Google, you know, makes $3 billion, and all of us benefit from the Google, well, in a way, doesn't he deserve it? Doesn't the guy who invented the telephone and the TV and the Facebook and the the assembly line and the jet engine. And, you know, I'm like, hell yeah. I'm glad you're rich.

Your ingenuity, your foresight, your creativity, your ability to take a gamble and risk and believe in an idea and have the brain power and the mental capacity. to even create such a thing. Good for you. You know, I'm real happy I can get on a commercial airliner and go to Australia in less than a day

versus getting on a boat and getting there in half a year. Way to go, buddy. Way to go, Wright brothers, who are American, thanks for inventing flight. Any money you get good on you. because what you created touched all of us and you probably created it for several reasons probably because you just had it in you

you were a creative spirit and maybe just maybe somewhere in the back of your mind there was this little incentive saying wow if I come up with this thing that everyone wants I might get rewarded and I can create a better life for myself and at the same time service mankind was something they need right and i'm not arguing politics here i'm not arguing obama even though he's the one saying it i'm not i'm not sitting here arguing

democrats and republicans i'm just focusing clearly on a policy whoever says it if bush was saying it i'd be saying the same thing if there was a republicans if there was a republicans If Romney was saying this, I'd be saying the same thing. So I don't want to politicize this. I'm just talking about the fundamentals of the United States of America, what we're allowed to do, that we're all supposed to be living in a country where we aspire to do things. And if those 250,000 people that get rich, really rich,

decide to share the wealth and pay extra taxes, or give to charity, good for them. That's a moral decision. And P.S., anybody care to go into the books of Bill Gates? I think isn't any of the richest man in the world? Bill Gates. You know how much money Bill Gates has given to charity and he has the Bill Gates fund?

Nobody asked him to do it. Billions of dollars. Warren Buffett has given billions of dollars. Warren Buffett has given billions of dollars to charity. I bet if you looked in most wealthy people's financial records, you'd see a crap ton of money that went to something. Because I think it's evident that with most people with money, they just naturally feel inside the need, the desire,

the want to share the wealth, to help. to pay it forward to to to help others you know you can only spend so much bill gates can't spend all his money warren buffett can't spend it all so let them decide but for the government to come along and take it and charge one sector more that that's maybe beyond fair and and for those of you listening that maybe are going, I don't agree with you, Harlan, which is fine. You don't have to agree with me. I don't, I don't, that's not what this is about. I'm not forcing my will on you, but I want to create a hypothetical.

Let's say, I don't know, you went to college, you got out when you were 22. Let's say you started a dot-com company or you created an app or you created a new type of running shoe and you know from the time you were 22 to the time you were 41 you just worked on it you went to work every day you went to the warehouse you employed people and you finally got to a point where you like you know what i made one million dollars is your profit that's mine in the bank hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people done.

in a lot of weird ways We're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up on August days This is where the story really starts Weapons Pretend you're that person Would you want the government saying

By the way, yeah, guy, way to go Good work We'd like 63% of all that What? No, you don't have a choice We just get it. What are we going to do with it? Well, you don't need to be concerned with that. Is it going to fix the deficit?

No, no, it's not going to fix the deficit, but we're going to take 63% of everything you made. It's just a little odd to me. It's like if you went to a restaurant and you sat down and you ordered a steak and it was a special meal and you'd waited uh you know you go out for a nice steak once a year it's a big event it's your birthday or something and you sit down and you go oh boy a steak and the waiter goes here's your

steak sir and just before you can cut into it the waiter pulls out a big knife and a fork and says ah but we have to cut out 60% of it but but i'm paying for this steak it's my birthday steak yes sir and enjoy every bite but we just you just you're just you're just to cut out 60% of it but but you just Excuse me. Yeah, we just cut 60% of your steak away. And we're going to cut it up and give a bunch of it to those tables over there. Well, shouldn't that be my choice? No, sir.

So I don't know. I don't have the... I'm not a politician. I'm not an economist. But those are some of my thoughts. And you might totally disagree or agree or be partway there. all the way there. I don't know. I'm not looking to convince you. I'm just getting my thoughts out. But I'll just sum it up with this. Let's not forget where we are. That's the

United States of America. If you live in a slum one day and you own IBM the next day, good for you. That's the magic of this country. And if you decide you want to keep it all, It's a little selfish, it's a little greedy, it's a little self-centered. If you want to put every penny in a bank and just sit in it and count it like Scrooge McDuck, then you're allowed to do it. And if you want to give 90% of it away to a children's orphanage, you're allowed to do it. But that's America. So there you go.

There's my little rampage. Now I say we get into something a little more ridiculous. This will switch gears big time. We have my friend Amber Rachelle Coyle here who just talks about naughty, dirty, crazy things. Why don't we go from real serious to real silly and scatological? Let's get her in here. Here we go. Hey, this is the Harlan Highway. We are back with Amber.

And let's talk about, well, how do I put this delicately? You threw a word at me. and what was that word it's what what is it sharding sharding how does how is that spelled exactly sh a r t shart shart where's the ing part i and g just the action of sharding and for people that don't know what the heck is sharding it's when you fart or you think you're going to fart and you slightly shit in your pants a little bit. What? Not like

a full-on shit. It's just kind of like you leave a skid row. A skid row. Wow. Isn't that the name of an 80s rock band? It is. Honey, what's that in your

underpants? Just a CD mummy from the 80s. Ricky was a young Why do you think most of you men don't wear white underwear? Because you shart in your pants or you don't wipe good and you leave freaking skid marks. Wait a minute. How often does a shart, do women shart? If they do, they don't say anything.

How often does a shart happen? I mean, for me, it was like a rare occasion. It's happened to me twice, probably in the past five years. Really? Wow. Look at you opening up over here. It takes a real woman to admit she shart five times in the last five years. Hey, twice. Oh, twice.

So that's once every two and a half years. It's like a werewolf curse. Every two and a half years it happens. The villagers lock their doors and slam the window shut. Because up in the hills, Amber, sharts. Oh, wow. That is wild. Does everybody do that? That's wild stuff. That is wild wacky stuff, man. I mean, that are some wild shot right there, man. That is some wild crazy shot right there. She's shot it in a pants. Hello.

Hello? Hello? I mean, she's solid in a pants. Hello? Wow, that was like, that was Bruno meets Christopher Walker. I know, right. I mean, she shot it in her pants. Hello. Hello. Hello. She shot it in a pants.

Hello. Okay. So does everybody shart like boys, girls, men, women, old people? Look, I think you're lying if you say that you don't. Really? So everybody's. It happens to the best of us. What if a girl's wearing like a thong type app?

She's probably going to have to throw them away. Yeah. Oh, you know what? It's happened to me three times. In the last five years. Ar-a! Who, who, who, who, who, wait a bit, so it's funny you remember all of them. That's crazy.

You want to hear the stories real quick? Let's hear the shart stories. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, get your pipes out, put on your. your bath robes light the fire get the Doverman pincher here we go sharts firestide shart stories with Amber Rochelle Coyle about the ambience yes tell us about your very first shot my darling first shot my first shot by William H. Shakespeare I think I sounded like David Bowie when I said that um ground control to major shot

commencing shot down engines all okay what was your first shark can we just have a moment of silence for david bowie's package in the labyrinth let's just have a moment of silence okay that was great so i don't even know what we just had a moment of silence for what the hell was that david bowie's package your voice just cracked you're like david bowie's how do you think i stay looking so young i'm Still going through puberty. You are. So what do you mean? David Bowie's package.

Dude, he's wearing like spandex pants and he has like a bulge in the entire movie. And it's like a, it's a Jim Henson movie, like a children's. Look what I'm offering you. Your dreams. You can have everything that you want. I will be your slave. I remember it I did not like that movie

I know it's your I think it's your favorite yeah I just it was weird Jennifer Connolly when she was young it's it's pretty amazing maybe I have to see it again but what does all this have to do with sharding

okay anyways we got off topic there yeah so we went from sharding to David Bowie how did that happen I was with my ex-boyfriend and we were out of town we were staying at a hotel yeah and i started running a bath for myself and i'm like taking a bath and then he like hears me draining

the bathtub and he comes in there and he's like what are you doing you just got in there and i and i like gave him like a turtle head look and i was like um i i sharded because i farted in the bathtub and i thought it was just a fart and like like some remnants of like shit particles were floating round i was like oh my god so i had to drain the bathtub wash and start all over wait a minute you said were you in a hotel people don't wash the bathtub in a hotel it was a very nice hotel that doesn't matter people that's why people go to hotels to do shit particles all over the place especially the nice ones and they feel like a king i say rupert's come into this bathroom covered with marble and tile I've shot it all over the tubby, and I couldn't be prouder.

Look at the shit particles everywhere. Now let's go for some raisin toast in the garden, you old bat. Right? Tea and crumpets. Tea and crumpets, you old. Okay, that was... Not me. That was you.

Beautiful woman, Amber Rochelle Coil here. Maybe this was a mistake to have dinner right before we do this, because well yeah you know hey you said it you got a burp you got a burp he took me out for my birthday and you promised that you would sing me happy birthday i did we're going to do that at the end of the show i'm going to give you happy birthday for sure but let's move along to number two all right sharts ladies and gentlemen please pour yourself a warm cup of cinnamon egg nogs Put your little nightcap on your head Nestle down beside the fire as we present

Short Story number two Who does number two work for? I got corn in my crap bigger than you Oh my, that again was not me So short story number two Okay so I'm laying in bed doing a little face book Again let me remind the people That Amber is a very beautiful model actress

and, you know, these stories should not turn your stomach because I think beautiful people are allowed to shart and get away with it. It's only when, like, you know, I don't know that if I had Rosie O'Donnell sitting here, I'd want to go through her shart story, but you somehow managed to pull it off. So here we go, shart story number two.

It's shart week here at the Harlan Highway. sitting in bed doing a little Facebook and I get the urge to take a shit but I'm too lazy to get up so I just keep like prairie dogging it you know what's that mean some people I don't even know what that okay turtle head poking out prairie dog

same thing it's where you know you kind of keep pushing it out a little bit but not all the way but you're like you know you have to use the restroom but you just keep holding it in because you're being lazy so it's like in and out it's like prairie dog coming in and out wow i'm just i'm sorry but i'm picturing a movement with buck teeth right now and it's not sitting well with me so uh let's keep going okay

so i'm sitting there and uh you know i'm just like oh god but i'm too lazy to get up it was just one of those days you just want to lounge around the house and just like playing the computer. But then I was like, oh God, like there's no more time to waste. So I jetted to the bathroom and like there it was, Skid Row. Ricky was

a young boy. He had a heart of stone. Well, you keep saying Skidro, so you looked into your ginch. Wait, what's a ginch? Come on. You know what a shard is and you don't know what

Ginch is that your undies. I have never heard that in my life. Your Ginch? Ginch. By the way, here's a quiz. What do you call four skid rows side by side in your undies, in your ginch? What do you call four skid marks side by side? A fork in the road?

No, chocolate gorilla fingers. Bonannas and pajamas. Bonanos and pajamas. Give it to me, Carrot. Oh, bananas in pajamas. Ricky Woods. Okay. Let's take a little break, and then we're going to come back for our final story.

Shart. Story number three here on Shart Week. One, two, three, four. We'll be right back with Amber, Rochelle Coyle. Hey, Harland. Jared's calling from Nashville. And I'm just calling about an engineering thing, maybe I'm crazy, maybe temporarily guests at some portions of the day. But it seems that a lot of the times your bits are a lot louder on the podcast, and then it sort of cuts back to you, giving your narratives, and sort of setting up the bits.

So it's a lot softer in the volume department. And I find myself, you know, really cranking up the volume to hear those narratives. And just hear assault whenever the bits come on there, which are really funny. You know, it's kind of hard to hear them with the constant ringing on my ears. Anyways, just something, maybe I'm the only one. I don't know if we're going to see. So I don't know. I have no idea what that means.

Bye. Guilty. Guilty is charged. You know what? Thank you for that because, you know, little technical things like that. I am not aware of sometimes. And I will look into that, man. That is annoying.

You don't want one portion of the podcast to be loud and then soft. And then that's like hitting speed bumps in your car too fast. um so point taken observation uh received and uh i will certainly look into that man i do not want anyone's uh ears to fall off this is a podcast this isn't a uh a firing squad um you know so uh good golly i'll get on that we'll try and tweak that we'll try and make it better um and uh we'll just go from there a little road work being done here on the harland highway and uh well look at the time we are running long today but uh you know i got ranting and we have umber here and i say you know why don't we round out the show um we'll do our final segment with amber and uh we'll close it up

So get ready. Put your filters on your ears because here comes Amber and some more conversations about unspeakable things. Here we go. And we're back. We're here at Shart Week with Amber. And what a week we're having. Oh, she's telling us her stories, her adventures of how in the last five years she's had three sharts which she defines as when you kind of fart and what is it crap your pants

okay so you had one more shart fire away what happened this is where the harlan highway and the Hershey highway meet oh so I was actually on my way back home from an audition out in 10 buck too and I'm driving in traffic you know LA traffic it's horrendous yeah I knew I should have used a restroom at the client's venue I knew I should have gone but I was like whatever I'll make it home you know lead foot and I'm driving and I'm like rocking back and forth like oh god oh god I was actually on my way to my friend's house and we were going to go do something but I had to use a restroom so bad and there was like nowhere to stop and I'm like texting or I'm like oh my god when I have to get When I get to your house, I have to use a restroom, like, immediately, immediately.

And she's like, okay, yeah, whatever. And then, like, I'm almost to her house, and I'm like, it's too late. It's too late. Oh, my God. I had a Starbucks on an empty stomach, bad idea. Wow. I don't know about you, but for me, coffee, one sip, I'm good to go. Like, yeah.

Wow. So I get to her house and I use the restroom and I had to, like, take my underwear off because. that was not a pretty situation well let me get this straight just so we're clear how far and this could be a really sad story to hear how far were you from the house before it happened like were you 10 miles away or were you just coming around the corner i'm just about to make it and i was probably like 10 minutes out okay so you you just yeah that's that's fair you had to let it rip like the dogs of war it wasn't like a full you know cow paddy or anything but it was like oh god i mean it it was yeah it was locked down it was lot it was and it was like a jail break

it was a yeah the prairie dog was loose on the prairie yeah oh wow wow wow wow wow um well you heard it here Today, my special guest is Amber Rochelle Coil. She's a comedian, an actress, a model, and let's tell them one time here what your website is, so they can go check you out. www. www.ambercoil.com. Check her out. Beautiful pictures. A very talented, wonderful girl.

Thank you, baby carrot. You're welcome, little baby carrot. And we were out for your birthday tonight, and I promised you. would sing you happy birthday so as we close out the show let me give it to you baby Happy birthday, kid, love you. Thanks for dropping by the Harland Highway. Say goodbye to the folks. That made my day.

Thank you, everyone, for listening to my shitty stories. Awesome stuff. Our thanks, and we'll be sure to have Amber drop by the Harland Highway again soon. That's all we got time for today. And until next time, everybody, Chicken, Chau-May. Off like a prom dress. Here we are, children.

Come and get your lollipops. Lollipops. Come along by little ones. Lollipop. Ice cream, chocolate all free today. Thank you. Thank you.