The Harland Highway - PODCAST 330

Episode Date: October 7, 2011

The art of insults, new zoos, are you boring? death at the airshow, Krinky McKringles. Sweater over sweater!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, everybody. I'm a talking pine tree. My name's prickly. No, no. Why would I do that? Start a perfectly good podcast pretending I was a pine tree. Stupid, dumb, idiot. And now that I've finished berating myself, let me tell you about today's show.

First of all, thank you for being here on the Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harland Williams. and interesting show today. We're going to be talking about insults. Insults, that's right. Have you ever been insulted? Have you ever given out the insults? Are you clever with your insults,

or are you crude with your insults? I don't know. We're going to be discussing a new type of zoo, out with the old, in with the new. Wait, do you hear about this zoo? There, I rhymed it for you. Are you boring? Am I boring you right now?

We're going to talk about if you're boring or you've been in a conversation with boring people. And it's a boring segment, but that's what it's about. So it should be boring. Air shows, I know I've talked about them before. I'm going to get into them again because we had a tragic summer with air shows. and an idiot visitor here on the Harland Highway.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Highland Williams.

I'm a human bee. God damn it. Who wants to go to the zoo, huh? When was the last time you went to the zoo to see all the fuzzy little critters with their cute little whiskers and their little claws and hoofs? There's a monkey chewing on a pine cone. There's a little duck bill platypus playing with a little. little bean sprout. There's a lion eating a zookeeper.

Hello. Zoos are getting a little outdated, though, aren't they? I mean, they've been around for a long time, and we all love the critters. We all love the little characters. But I think, to draw in the new generation, I think they should clean out the animals

out of the enclosures, and let's replace them with victorious secret models. Huh? I want to be able to go to some big outdoor closure and where the zebras used to roam around. I want to see like 35 girls in lingerie milling about. And the zookeeper tosses a cob salad in there and watch them go into a feeding frenzy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, they'd go berserk. Just going at it like fish after fish food in a fish pond. Victorious secret models clawing at each other. Punching and fighting their way to the Cobb salad. Chawing it all down. And then throwing it all up five minutes later. What a show that would be.

Huh? Going to the house of reptiles. Instead of big alligators and turtles laying under a heat lamp, you get notorious secret models, sunbathe them under the heat lamps. Her body's covered in oil. Someone throwing grapes at them and fish. Love it! Going to the house of monkeys.

No more hairy old orangutans or smelly old chimps. Now you got gorgeous hotties. swinging on tires playing with bananas. Ha, you kidding me? Get me to the zoo. I don't even have kids. Going to the zoo. Get me a balloon and some dark glasses.

Hello. Oh, yeah. Could be one of the best ideas I've come up with yet. And speaking of food, do you like roast? All right, more specifically, do you like comedy roasts? How many of you have tuned into the Comedy Central Roasts? You know, where they pick a celebrity like Charlie Sheen or Donald Trump or Larry the Cable Guy or William Shatner or Pamela Lee

and they put them on a chair and all these comedians, quote unquote comedians and fellow celebrities like rip them. a new one? I don't know, man. I got to say I don't, I don't watch it that much. I've caught a couple and I don't know if I'm going to sound snobby or maybe I'm a nerd or I'm out of the loop or whatever. I just don't get it. I mean, I get that these comedians are pushing the envelope, but I don't sit there and laugh. I just kind of sit there. there and go okay there's someone trying a little too hard um because it's all just vile it's vulgar

it's it's uh it's it's just a base humor man and we all like that now and then but i don't know i don't i just find these uh these rosser uh they're not clever that's what's missing the cleverness it's all just oh yeah there's william shatner sitting over there I've got more hair on my cock than he's got on his toupee. How about Lisa Lampinelli's pussy? That thing, you know, I thought I fell into a bowl of clam chowder, huh? You know, stuff like that. And it's, I don't know.

It doesn't thrill me. And what sucks about those roasts is they're very impersonal. If you check out the old roasts, where they originated back in the day with Johnny Carson and Dean Martin, all these old celebrities. It was like all those guys kind of traveled in the same circles, right? They rubbed shoulders each other. There was a smaller pool of stars. And so chances are they'd worked together.

They knew each other. They'd been at functions. They were friends. And so when someone got up to roast another celebrity, you could sense and see and feel that connection. But nowadays, you got, you know, comedians and nobody even knows getting up there. You got a seasoned celebrity star like William Shatner, and some club comic gets up and starts ripping them a new one. And everyone's like, wait, who are you, dude?

Who's that chick? She was what? She lasted for three episodes of Last Comic Standing? that she has the right to roast William Shatner? I'm sure William Shatner has no idea who the hell she is. I don't know. It just seems out of whack. I wish some of these roasters were a little more clever

with their words, with their insults, their cutdowns. And if you want to really go back, let me read you some old kind of, you know, insults, some cutdowns that kind of took place long before four-letter words were sprinkled into the equation, okay? These are some oldies. Some of these people you'll know, some of them you won't. I'll read the ones you'll probably know and then see what you think. Here we go. Here's the first one. I have a little list of them here.

Here's the first one. And, you know, check out the wordplay, the subtlety, the kind of cleverness of them. Here's a burn from William Faulkner, an author, about a fellow author, Ernest Hemingway. All right? He says, he has never been known to you. use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. Okay, that's a good burn. Here's one from an anonymous guy.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. I like that one. Here's one from Mark Twain. We all know Mark Twain. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Now, here's a good burn that went down between George Bernard Shaw

and the late Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of England. And George Bernard Shaw said to Winston Churchill, he said, I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend if you have one. So there's the first burn, and Winston Churchill replied, cannot possibly attend first night will attend second if there is one

good burn just simple and clever here's another anonymous burn I feel so miserable without you it's almost like having you here I got to read that one again I feel so miserable without you

it's almost like having you here I want you guys to try that one out on someone you know and see what the reaction is. Here's another anonymous one. He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. It's a good one. Here's another one by Mark Twain. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Here's one from Oscar Wild. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. I like it, clever. Here's one by Billy Wilder. He has Van Gogh's ear for music. Here's one from, do you remember the comedian Groucho Marx? And this will be our last one here.

Groucho Marx. and he says I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it so there you go you know not one swear word in the lot clever funny from from yesteryear

and I guess I'm holding those up to the modern day comedy roasts I guess it's all a matter of you know where you were born and what area came from and uh but you know hey food for thought right yeah really good really good uh segment there arland uh you know i've uh i've uh wiped my ass better than how you can even talk huh okay that was uh didn't make any sense oh yeah you how about uh that segment uh what are you

I got a dildo in your face? Um, okay. See, not good burns. I'll give you good burns. How about, uh, hey, uh, your balls are probably hanging on the ground. Why don't you step on them, huh? Okay, let's just get out of here. Yeah, why don't you?

Arlen, man, you may be. you laugh out on a walk today and people looked at me odd. I was listening to this one that started out like this. Well, shiver me timbers, herty-dirty-dirty. Crack me up, man. I'm way behind on your podcast. I just started listening to them, having a good time, so I got a lot ahead of me. Harlan, you're a funny man. You got me giggling. I appreciate it. Woo, buddy. I'll see you down the road or somewhere like a. Shiver me timbers, hair. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Take it easy, Harlan. John Emory here, by the way.

Oh, God, no, no, no, no. Please don't bring up that guy. I hate that guy, Crinky McRingles. What the hell? Oh, no, what the hell are you doing here? I shiver me timber, sclarkty, darkty, flockty, darky, darky. What are you doing here, Crinky McRingles? I heard you mention my name, so I thought I'd pop up from me mystical rainbow.

I don't see a rainbow anywhere. Well, why don't you look at the multi-colored skid mark in your undie-cans? Skarkty-glarkty, sklarkty-d-d-darkty, slarkty-glarkty, glarkty! All right, cut it out, crinky. What the hell do you want? Well, I'm looking around your studio here, and it looks like there's not much green to be had. No, there's not much green, because it's a studio, and most of this equipment is, like, metal and aluminum and silver. Well, maybe I could brighten the place up with a little bit of green peppered around the studio.

Sklarkty, darky, darky, flarkty, duckty, sklarkty, duckty, darky, skulkty, darky. Stop with the goofy lepriccon talk. Sklarkty, darky, darky, darky, darky. Cut it out! Well, you don't need to be getting your green leotards all up in a twister there, right up your crankled stankle stankle. Sclokty, duckty, flickty, duckty, cut it out. What do you want? I want to put up in the green around your studio, Sklarkty, darky.

Good, put some green around. What are you going to do? Put up some clovers or something? No, I've got some extra mucus in me lungs and in me windpipe. Excuse me? I got some boogies up my nose and some mucus. I think I'll just snort it out all over your studio. Oh, no, you don't.

Stop it, stop. Bustin boogies. Stop it. That's disgusting. Oh, look at all the green all over the place. Slurkey duckty, let me get some on the windows. Cut it out. That's disgusting.

It's full of viruses and slurktie-darkty-s-kut. Get out of here, Crinky. Wait, I've got one more. How about right on your forehead? Oh, my God. Right on my forehead. That's what I said, Crinky, Miss Linky. Clarkty, darky, flirty, squarkty, get out of here!

I'll see you next time, just say my name, and I'll be right here. Trinky McRingley, nocty, Flarkty, Slarkty, Slarkty, Slarkty! Get out! And what about one more quickie just for the road? Shiver me timbers, shiver me timbers. Oh, my God, no, nothing to feel like that. Oh, I'm not on my chair. Oh, all over the floor.

Out to my hair. Oh, stop, no. Get out! Oh, God! Hey, this is Harland Williams, rolling down the Harland Highway with you. W-I-T-W-T-W-T-W-T-U. Hope you're doing groovy. I hope I'm not boring you.

Is that a problem? Being boring. You ever been boring? Don't you wish we all had, like, an orchestra behind us when we talked? So no matter what we said, wasn't boring. Somebody asked us a question. You had nothing going on that day, but somehow your answer sounded great. Someone comes up to you're like, hey, what did you do today?

And you're like, oh, you know, man, I went to the mall. I bought something. You know what I bought? I bought a new doorknob. Yeah, that's right. I bought a new doorknob for my door. So why don't you knock on my door? Now that it has a new...

Door knob! See? See what I mean? Oh, to not be boring. wouldn't that be great keep on being you keep on being you here a harland highway oh yes and sadly i think we've all had that moment where we catch ourselves being boring or at least maybe we're not being boring but we catch other people thinking that we're boring, right? Have you ever had that where you're sitting around at dinner or you're in a social setting or you're talking to a stranger, whoever you may be communicating with?

And, you know, early on into the conversation or halfway through or even towards the end, you catch them drifting, right? They've got that faraway look in their eyes like they're dreaming of a tropical island in the valleys or something and you're just you're kind of like um so anyways i was at the horse ranch and um i was riding the horse and uh hello like well oh yeah i'm listening i'm listening that's great so keep going you were at a train station in germany um no i was at the horse ranch in australia

yeah i love those trains in germany they run like clockwork actually you know what forget it um it's awkward isn't it or how about you do you ever find that you're the one zoning out you're talking with someone or they're talking to you or at you it's a big difference between talking to you and talking at you and you find yourself zoning out it's pretty wild here's what i do so sometimes when I'm in like pitch meetings. You know, I'll go over to Walt Disney or Warner Brothers or, you know, anywhere. Like all over Hollywood, you go into pitch meetings and you pitch show ideas. And a lot of times you'll be in there and the executives start, you know,

talking about what they're looking for. Well, we want a show aimed at little boys, but we want it to have action and adventure. but we don't want it to skew too old and we don't really want to attract the female demo and so what I do is as they're talking away in my head I'm like okay keep talking just keep talking because as they're talking I'm thinking of ideas on the fly right

and by the time they finish talking 10 minutes later I'm like well you know what a coincidence because I have a show about these four young boys that were born with jet packs on their backs and they fight mutants and it's just full of action and adventure and they're like, wow, I like that. Wow, so where'd that come from?

And you're like, oh, you know, it's been churning around in my head for a few years. Lie. But, you know, sometimes it's not a question of being bored. Sometimes you have to tune people out for a specific reason. reason. In that case, I'm getting creative in my own head.

So while they're talking, I'm thinking of ideas. And I pray that at the end of their ramble, they're not like, so, what do you think of what I just said? And I'm like, you know, a train ride through Germany sounds great. And they're like, what? And then there's times when you just tune people out. right where they start talking and you know they're not going to stop

and sometimes they out and out have a problem they don't really care if you're listening they just want to talk and you just have to zone them out or sometimes even more rude you have to roll right over them because you know that they're just going to go and go and go I went to a lumberyard once and I had to you know I was with my carpenter

and we were trying to get some worked on, and he had his truck, and we were picking out wood. And this old guy around the lumberyard must have been 80 years old. He's like, yeah, I remember that crop of trees there. I went in and cut that down myself. I waddled through a swamp, and I'll tell you what, you can't find this wood anymore. This wood just don't grow on trees.

And at some point, I was just like, oh, my, I could see a pattern evolving. And so I was just like, yes, so how much do you want for these? Okay, and all right, how long are they? Like, I just had to roll right through the guy. And what's funny is people that talk a lot, I think they're prepared for it or they're used to it because they just shut up. The minute you cut into their rambling, they shut up and kind of stop and move on to another story. like the first 20-minute escapade never happened. And so you don't feel bad because you realize they probably don't even know they're doing it.

Oh, hold on, got a text here. Let's see. Hey, Winbag, when the hell does this story end? I want to jump off a cliff. Okay, you know what? I mean, hold on. What's this one say? Talk about a boring story.

I'd rather watch my grandmother's psoriasis flakes dry. Oh, that's disgusting. Come on, I wasn't talking that. Hang on, to say. Yeah, you were talking that much. Hurry up and move on. I've just about had it with this crap podcast anyhow. This may be your last bit.

If you don't move on quickly, I'm done, ass munch. All right, come on, you people. Too late, I'm already gone, windbag. You had me at Goodbye. Oh, brother. Wow. Well, sorry I did that bit. Well, let's... Before I lose the rest, yeah, let's move on.

Too late, I'm already halfway to Germany on my train. Oh, God! All right, I'm moving on. Here's an item that is also annoying, but it's kind of my, you know, wrapping up, you know, the end of summer, early fall thing. You know, seems to be the time of year when they have the air shows. And I know I've talked about this before on the podcast,

but this just reaffirms my point, my stance once again this year during some air shows a number of planes crashed a number of pilots died and a number of people in the audience spectators

were also killed and it's literally an annual event every friggin year with these air shows people are goneers. Now, we get it. Planes go up, they fly, they come down.

Now, given the fact that we know, statistically, it's pretty much a given that these planes are going to crash. People are going to die. We don't know how many. Do we really have to have air shows? I mean, is anyone that inclined to go to an air show? show that if they don't exist, they're going to be heartbroken and crestfallen. I mean, I don't know. Look, I've been to them.

They're pretty fascinating. In fact, I was at one where a plane crashed right in front of me. I was at an air show on the shores of Lake Ontario, one of our great lakes, for those of you that don't know, up across from Toronto, which is right on the shore of Lake Ontario, across the lake Ontario to give you perspective if you're American is the city of Rochester and New York and down on the

western coast, you get closer to Niagara Falls. It's not on the lake, but I'm trying to put it in perspective for you. And then as you head towards the east end of Lake Ontario, you're moving off towards Montreal. So I'm at an air show when I'm

I'm about, I don't know, I was about 15 maybe, 16. And I love the fighter jets. I love watching the fighter jets go by. But sure enough, here comes this old, like, biplane or something. It's like an old, like, you know, from the 40s or 50s or something. And it was a big old version of, like, a biplane. And it did one of those tricks where it came, it flew in, and then it flew straight up in the air.

and then it did what I thought it was supposed to do, which a lot of these airplanes do. They cut their engine once they hit altitude and they let the plane spiral down and then restart the engine. It's like a pretty standard air show trick for these old planes. So here's this big biplane. It starts flying up in the air.

It seems like it didn't go as high as it should have gone and all of a sudden the engine stops and we're like, oh, okay, yay, yay, it's doing its trick. And right into Lake Ontario, literally right in front of me. But the bonus here was that he smashed into the lake. So there's no flames, there was no explosions. I think the guy was hurt. I mean, they had divers in the water immediately.

But, you know, if this guy had come down right on pavement or whatever, in front of us, yours truly might not be here today. I might have been barbecued. I might have been deep fried and honey walked. And, you know, I'm not knocking the ability of pilots and what they can do with an airplane, and it's spectacular. I mean, it's a sight to see. It's a mixture of ingenuity.

It's a mixture of speed and sound and sight. And the mechanics of an aircraft. There's a lot of elements going on. But at the end of the day, people die every year. And we know this. And so my question is, do we really, really have to have it? I don't know. I'm asking.

Maybe you have the answer. I mean, look, if you're a person who loves aeronautics and you love air shows, you're going to be, oh, yeah, we got to have it. I mean, hey, you could die getting on the subway, man. You can die water skiing. Yeah, I know, but those are like, kind of like recreational activities. And, you know, if you die water skiing, you probably do it on your own. But when you're flying planes full of fuel at the speed of sound

over audiences of like, you know, anywhere from 500 to 5,000, doesn't the liability go up? little bit isn't there more to be concerned about i the reason i'm i'm jumping all over it is that it makes me sad it makes me sad to see these pilots lose their lives it makes me sad to uh see the people in the crowd the spectators lose their lives and what's even more humiliating and horrific is that it it's usually played out on some type of uh camera Because there's always somebody filming this stuff. And so inevitably the rest of the world ends up seeing it.

And it just seems like a bit of a grandiose kind of extravagant pastime or hobby that maybe we don't need. And if you're in the aeronautics industry, you're probably like, up yorth, man. up your land walker but uh i don't know okay here's what we'll do all right summer's over let's place a bet that next year and this is this is morbid this is horrible to say but i guess i have to prove my point the hard way who wants to place a bet that next summer or early fall some more air show planes are going to crash and more people are going to die. I have a feeling it's a give-in, but how do you stop it? You put a can on the air shows.

Do we really need to see an old plane go up in the air and do a loop-to-loop? Is it really that thrilling? You know, I don't know. know. I'm just throwing it out there. You tell me, you can write me at harlough williams.com and disagree if you want, but think about my bet. And let's see what happens. I don't know what we're betting.

Let's just say a gentleman's bet. You get the bragging rights that you were right and I was wrong. How about that? You can walk around and go, ha, I was right over Harlan Williams and his stupid podcast. And he was wrong, dumb-ass podcaster. Hang on. You're always wrong, aren't you? You dumb-ass old windbag?

I hope a plane flies into the back of your head and blows up and burns you alive. Get off the air, you podcast loser. Okay, come on. Wow. Unbelievable. Wait, who's this from? I'll see you tonight at 6 for dinner. Dad.

Great. Okay, that's my dad writing me. Wishes a plane. Unbelievable. Well, on that note, on that sherry note, thank you, Father. I say we wrap it up. We close her down before we get hit by a plane.

And as always, let me thank you for being here. It is a pleasure. I just want you to know that our listeners should, is growing and growing. It's up from where it was last year. And I want to thank everyone who's joining us. And if you listening have been responsible for turning on your friends and family,

I appreciate that too. Keep getting the word out. And let's get some more people on this highway. Thanks again so much. And if you want to see me live, Next week, October 14th and 15th and 16th, that's a Sunday. I will be at the Tempe Improv in Arizona. It's a great club, one of my faves, the Tempe Improv in Arizona.

And you can call them up, go online to Improv.com and look up the Tempe Improv, reserve your tickets. I usually sell out at that club. So get your tickets early. And then the following weekend, I will be in Minnesota at the Mall of America, at the House of Comedy. And that'll be Thursday, October 20th through Saturday the 22nd. Another great club. So if you're up in Minnesota, I haven't been through there in a long time.

So one of my favorite spots had my cutest adventure in comedy ever have. happened in Minnesota. And next show, I will share with you my cutest stand-up story. You might not even believe it. But alas, that's for another day. This day is done, or at least this podcast is done. Your day's probably still rolling. God bless it.

Don't forget, you can write me at harlumwilms.com, and you can check out harlomwilms.com. Go to our merchandise store if you want to buy a little Harlem Williams present. My book, The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, is moving off the racks quite nicely. People enjoying that book. And you can listen to the podcast at Stitcher.com. If you have a cell phone device, go to Stitcher, and you can download the Harlan Highway on your cellular.

So that's it. That's all we got for today. Thanks, everybody. Watch out for low-plying. Watch out for speech therapists. Watch out for low flying planes. And we'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken.

Chau me, baby.