The Harland Highway - PODCAST 333

Episode Date: October 14, 2011

A police story, twitchy legs, Dr. Ascot, building miracle, the color of our skin. Twisty twirly twizzle sticks!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

oh yeah you are in the right place i thought i'd get that in your ear before i said anything else you are in the right place this is the harland highway podcast um and i'm harlan williams i am the one that's going to be uh talking and bringing it to you and laying it down baby so uh get ready for a grand old opry of a time um i got a great police story for you today yeah yours truly got into a a little run-in with the police and had to go into the station. And, you know, well, I'll tell the story as we get moving along here in the podcast. It's that second Friday. So I got a visit with Dr. Ascot.

God, nothing more annoying. Do you have twitchy leg syndrome? Yeah. I don't know if it's a hoax or if it's real, but we're going to talk about it. And I know you're listening, but what color is your skin? Do you think it matters to me what color your skin is? I don't know. If you want to find out if skin color matters to me, keep listening because we're going to talk about it.

And also, we're going to be talking about a building miracle. Yes, a building was erected, and it is a true miracle. Just as is this podcast, the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One Keithburger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway

Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being, God damn it! Hey, this is Harland Williams here, riding along with you on this pleasant day. Pills, huh? It's a commercial the other night. They have pills for a thing called Restless Leg Syndrome. I'm sorry, man, but what is that?

Restless Likes. They have a picture of a lady sitting on her easy chair watching TV, and her legs are, like, twitching. Oh man What's next? A pill for I'm breathing too much I'd like to Maybe take

Four less breaths an hour Or My hand moved Can I get a pill for that? I think I saw my hand move I walked up some stairs today Do you have any anti-walking up the stairs pills For me please

Itchy twitchy legs syndrome. Your legs are going nuts, 24 hours a day. Have them so that they become detachable. Get surgery so you can take them off at night. Put them out in the garage and crush grapes. Start a vineyard, man. Twitchy leg wineries.

Unscrew your legs at night. Put them in the garage and jump up and down on an old barrel full of grapes. Put your itchy, twitchy legs to work. Oh, what a world. it's true what a world uh you want to hear a kooky story this one threw me for a bit of a loop check it out the other day uh i had to go down to the police station right um yeah yours truly got pulled over and check it out in beverly hills i got pulled over my uh one of my lights was out

in the back of my truck okay wow cops and beverly Beverly Hills pulled me over for a light. Well, all right, let's be honest. They pulled me over because they thought they saw me talking on my cell phone while I was driving. Was I? I don't know. Was I? I don't know.

I'm not the type of guy that would do that, am I? So when they pulled me over, they're like, okay, sir, two things. Your brake lights out. Your tail lights out. And I'm like, okay. And we saw you talking on your phone. And I was like, no, I wasn't talking on my phone. I picked it up to dial and press speakerphone so I could talk on my phone.

You're allowed to talk as long as you're not holding it in your hands. You're allowed to talk on speakerphone, I think. And so it's okay, we're going to give you a warning. I'm going to give you a warning for the old, you know, the old, phone thing but uh your lights out you got to get to fix it ticket go get it fix fix it fix it fix it biotch um so i was like all right a taillight fine um and i start to uh think i'm going to do this myself how hard is it to do a tail light so of course i started doing it i get my tail light half off and uh i realize i can't get it all the way off because

there's some screws on the inner panel at the back of my truck and I'm like oh god so here's what i did i went on youtube I typed in removing tail light from back of dot dot dot style of truck boom there it is some guys and here's how you take out the bolts and take this out and blah blah blah it's so funny everything's there so I just went I bought the light bulb I got the little you need a special screwdriver with a really kind of unique head on it and I did the deed now here's where the story gets funky and then I had to go down to the police station and uh proved to them that I did it so they could clear the ticket right so here's what happened I go in I'm standing at the counter and uh you know this elderly uh police person was there and I told him what happened he's okay let me go back in the

back room and sign this off. Da-da-da-da-da. And I'm standing there. And this other young gentleman comes in probably, you know, around 35, 40 maybe. And there's another attendant standing there. And he goes, yes, I need to speak to a homicide detective. And that caught my interest. I was like, oh, what the hell is this?

And the older person, I guess these are volunteers or something, or even if they're not, They kind of have older people at the reception gate, you know, taking people's queries. And she goes, oh, why do you need to do that? And he goes, well, I have information about a murder. She's like, okay. And he goes, well, actually, two murders, actually. As soon as you hear that, you're like, oh, God, what's this guy's world? You know, some guy just walks in and says, I need to talk to a detective about two murders.

so uh so the the elderly lady pulls out a slip of page well can you just write down the details and we'll get it back there and he's like look ma'am this is a long complicated story i i think i might have you know crucial information important information on a double murder here two people have been killed i i think i can blow the lid off the case or whatever and she's like oh all right let me see if I can find someone and uh and so she goes in the back room and I'm just like you know I started talking to the guy I'm like dude wow two murders he's like yeah I'm shaking I'm trembling and I go wow I'm here for like a traffic light my my taillights out he's like oh he's like yeah these cops man it's like I went down to the the station in long beach and uh they sent me up to santa monica and from santa monica they sent me up here and uh you know they're telling me to fill out a report or make a phone call it's like i can't i can't talk to anyone they won't they won't sit down with me and uh it's like i've got all this information and and

it's crazy and and i was like wow and i realized this guy is getting the run around right here's a human who seems to have information on the murder of two other human beings and he's getting the run around the way you would as if you were, you know, at a car dealership and you're like, hey, when's my car going to be ready? Oh, you don't worry, three day. Three day we have, we're waiting for part. We wait for part and then three day you come.

And then in three days you're like, is my car ready? You know what? They stand the wrong part. We're going to reorder, you've got just two more day, two a day. You know, you've all had the runaround, right? How many of you have had the run around when you're trying to give information on murder? And it was a little disheartening because, you know, you always see these murder cases, right? You always, if you follow a high-profile murder case, like the Casey Anthony thing.

you know remember there was that whole thing where the power line guy called the cops like two months after the little girl went missing and he goes like yeah i've been working the power lines here and uh yeah there's a there's a bag that looks suspicious like a mile from the anthony's house and it it looks like there might be some bones sticking out of it right and they sent some cops and the cops got mad at them Do you remember the testimony where they belittled them, and they gave them a hard time, and they didn't really go and look, and they kind of blew them off? And there was little, you know, the little girl's body sitting in the swamp rotting. And you're just like, no, no, why would the cops blow off such information? Why would they? And then as I standing there listening to this guy, it occurred to me, you know, the cops probably have so much stuff coming in

they probably have so many leads they probably have so many people calling about my dog's in a tree and my neighbors my neighbor poured gasoline on the edge of my driveway and yeah listen I got an old 1982 Volkswagen Beetle and someone stole it

and I mean can you imagine the crap coming in all day long so to them they probably hear murder the same way a billionaire here's a million dollars yeah I lost a million dollars today let's let's go eat ah someone just came in with another murder uh what do you want for off the coffee truck huh so I was a little blown away by by that whole exchange it just made me realize that uh you know but hey I respect the cops I I respect the job that they do but you also, it also made me realize, you know, what a kind of fragile system it is.

You know, maybe I'm a bit naive, but I always thought the cops were just sitting there waiting, you know. It's like, what? You've got trouble? Thanks for calling 911. We're on our way. Cops pull up, you know. Give us everything you got. Excellent.

Can you think of anything else? Are you sure? Okay, we're not missing any details, are we? All right, we're all over this one. Right? But instead, you get like, can you just write it down on a piece of paper? Just write down some of the details

and we'll see what we can, if someone's off the coffee break. You know, actually, we're going to send you, I know you've been to Long Beach and they sent you to Santa Monica and they sent you here, but do you mind if we sent you downtown to Los Angeles? Central because from there they could probably send you out to Bakersfield and you can just look at this whole murder thing as an opportunity for you to go on a great little road trip and we'll

facilitate that we'll just send you from place to place it'll be like a treasure a scavenger hunt type of thing make it fun make it fun you know uh so anyways i don't know it's it's it's an interesting thing, police force, how they operate. You know, obviously you got to factor in that they get a lot of loonies, they get a lot of dead ends, they get a lot of, you know, stuff that probably doesn't pan out, and they have to figure out where they want to allocate their manpower and what they want to put their energy into. But I don't know.

To see a guy walk up and be very sincere and clearly rattled and say, Look, I know of two murders. Murders! Can I sit down and talk to a detective? You'd think that door would whisk open immediately and he'd be sucked in there like as fast as you see someone get sucked out of an airplane with a hole in the side. We got a guy with two murders out here. Open the door. Tell us where, you know, tell us where you were, where you saw, what you saw, how it happened.

Oh, well, life keeps going on in the big city. Hey, hey, dude, hey, lady, your, uh, your epidermis is showing. Remember that one when you were a kid? First thing you do, you go for your fly. Ah! My epidermis, nobody's ever seen it. it's your skin man for all you little kids listening to my show anyone eight and under skin we all got it it's like our it's like our coat animals have fur we just got skin we're like the bald species

we're all different colors why do we call each other different colors huh black people white people yellow people red people it's all inaccurate huh aren't black people mostly just a nice brown color I mean it's rare that a black person is really dark dark black they're usually a beautiful autumn brown we should call black people browns and us white people we're not white we're like a pasty pink so we should be called pasty pink the browns the pasty pinks. Indian people, North American Indians, they call them Rand. They're not ran. They're like a burnt sienna.

Huh? And Oriental people. Yellow? They're not yellow. They're like eggshell Tempura white. Everything's inaccurate. What's what the colors? They're wrong. Hey, what's up, Brown? Yo, what's up? Off-color pink.

how you doing now brown yo i'm doing all right there uh off color egg shell uh tempura yeah how you doing there bun sienna i'm doing well off pink white yellow

orange it's like a rainbow out there I got mixed up aren't we just all people how much is what's up dude what's up dude are you a people Yeah, I'm a people.

Like a human, right? Yeah, I'm a human too. What's up, people? Keep your color in your pants. Because that's where all the epidermis is. Here, on the Harland Highway. And speaking of skin color, here's something that doesn't really have to do with skin color,

but skin crawling. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's that Friday where I have to visit with my in-house therapist, Dr. Ascot, and this guy makes my skin crawl. He's a creep And I hate it

But I have to do it Because the powers that be that run the podcast Want their asses covered In case I say something stupid They want to make sure that I'm not a liability So let's get it over with Here we go my visit Every other Friday

Dr. Ascott Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Oh,land. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Holland. What are we doing this time? Arland, I have some very exciting news for you.

Yeah, what is it? You're going to throw me out a window. You're going to run me over with a chair. You're going to pull you. your pants down and fart on me? Oh, Well, these are all things you've done to me. Your idea of exciting and my idea of exciting

are two vastly different things. Holland, I think you'll find this exciting, Holland. Go ahead. What is it? Holland. Yes? We've found your brother. What? We found your brother,

Ah, nice try, ask God. I don't have a brother. That's what you thought, and that's what we thought, Holland. But we did some research at a local adoption clinic. Did some DNA testing, Holland, and discovered you have a brother. You're kidding me, right? I have four sisters, but I've never had a brother. Well, now you do. Arland, you have a 31-year-old brother who lives in Cleveland, Ohio, Arland.

What? You bet this has got to be a gag-ass got. Absolutely not, Arland. His name is Michael Charles Parsons. Wait a minute. That's not my name. That's not my family name. Of course not, Arland. He was adopted. okay what is this i'm trying to tell you alland have you ever seen the movie rain man alland yeah rain man with tom cruise and dustin hoffman and tom cruise finds out like halfway through his life that he has a brother who was like an idiot savant and yes arland artistic is the word we like to use i'm sorry artistic well lawland this situation is very very very very similar.

Okay, you know what? If I had a brother, if I found out at this point my life I had a brother, I would be so excited. I would be so happy, so elated. I mean, do you know what it's like having four sisters and not having a brother? I mean, I would love to have a brother. I mean, I would have loved to have had a brother

because I get had someone to play ball with and play with my trucks and go to the movies with and wrestle with it. Okay, Holland, I can see you're getting very excited. Of course I'm getting excited. I would die to have a brother. Well, Allen, now you do. Congratulations.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Where is he? Can I meet him? Is he, I mean, this is unbelievable. Why didn't my parents ever say anything? Olin, they were ashamed that they had to give him up for adoption. Well, they shouldn't have been ashamed.

I mean, it's just kind of weird that he's younger than me, and they gave him up for adoption, and some of my sisters are younger than him. So if he kind of came in the middle, why did they give him up for adoption? Arland, your parents told me they gave him up for adoption because they didn't want him to ever see you, Arland. Excuse me?

They were so ashamed of you that they sent the child away permanently, Arland. What the hell is that? saying well basically when you were born alland they realized what a skunk you were and they didn't want to expose their perfect child to a scumbag what is with this hurtful stuff are you giggling no allan i hear you giggling like a little girl "'Aland, what I just did was an experiment called high anxiety mood levels "'and low anxiety depression levels, Arland.

"'What the hell are you talking about?' "'I made everything up, Arland. "'You have no brother, so therefore you need not get excited "'or be depressed that you're a skunk bag, Arland.' "'What the hell is? is the matter with you it's a new theory i'm trying out on my patients and i thought i'd try you first arland get out of here you moron unbelievable you know that stuff hurts so does dropping a piano on the back of your spine arland would you like one of those get out of here i also discovered your

a Siamese twin all And get out What a bona fide knob Guy tells me I have a long-lost brother God testing out his new

methods on me nice job doorknob builds me up and tears me down real professional Anyway, shake it off. Speaking of building something up,

Have you ever bought one of these kits from like Home Depot or Lowe's or IKEA where you see a kit for a bunk bed or a chair or a tool shed? and they've got it all assembled and you're like, oh, I can do that. I can build that. How hard is that? Right? And you never, ever get it right. You always end up putting something on backwards or upside down or sideways or inside out.

Or you put the wrong piece on the wrong section. It's almost a given that if you have to assemble a desk or a chair or, you're always going to do something screwy and backtrack and unscrew stuff and screw it back together. So here we go. Cut to me, I bought a tool shed recently at Lowe's, okay? This thing was like, I don't know, six feet by six feet or something like that. Big enough to put a lawnmour in and a bicycle and all your paint and your tools. And I'm like, oh, God, do I even risk it? Do I even, it's one of these build-it-yourself things with the clips and the bars and the screws and the walls and the panels and the ceilings.

I'm like, ah, come on, I got to be able to do it, right? So I get the thing loaded up and I buy it, you know, $400 for the damn thing. I'm like, I'm driving home and I'm like, what am I doing to myself? This is, A, it's going to take forever. B, I'm going to screw it up. C, it's going to look crooked. It's going to be upside down. The doors will be in the wrong spot.

So I get it home, I unpack it, and then all of a sudden it's like, boom. Here's the book of instructions. And I'm like, what? Are you kidding me? This thing's thicker. This has more pages than a cheesecake factory menu. And that's a lot. okay so now i'm looking at all these diagrams and arrows and you know they always uh they'll do a

little magnification circle right you'll see like all these screws and all these boards and then they'll do a little circle as if you're looking through a magnifying glass and they'll they'll show the screw going in the hole and you're like oh god is it that bad that i need the magnification circle Oh, and they were all over the place, right? And I'm like, there's no way. There's no way I'm going to pull this off. I'll just get started and wait till I'm too frustrated and leave it. And for the next eight years, I'll have half a tool shed and people visiting and go,

dude, what, what's the, is that half a building over there? Was it, yeah, hurricane. Excuse me? Yeah, there was a hurricane, just a small one. It just, I had a tool sheet. shed there and I built it all myself. It was perfect. And a really tiny hurricane, like a mini cane, came through and ripped, just ripped three quarters of it down. There's just a couple of walls left and no ceiling. Dude, nice try. You tried to build that tool shed yourself, didn't you? And you

quit halfway. Yes, busted. So here I go. I start doing it. I get the tools. I lay everything out. and you know I put the first piece down I put the floor down and I assemble the floor and I'm like okay a floor is easy I mean it's three pieces you slide it together it's flat whoopie do I did the floor and then next came like a piece of the wall

and I was like okay that went in kind of easy and then lo and behold the next piece and the next piece and the next piece and I'm like whoa half the wall's up wait a minute could somebody be a a late springing genius could i be someone who's been hiding his genius all these years right i've put up half a rubber made tool shed so i keep going i'm feeling good i'm like okay lo and behold i get three walls up i'm like whoa when's the big screw-up happen

So I keep going I keep screwing and drilling And all of a sudden I have four walls up And then all of a sudden I have a piece of the ceiling up And the roof And then I get the roof up And then all I have left is to put on the front doors I'm like what's happening here

And I put the front doors on And I closed them And I put a little lock on it And I built a damn tool shed And I didn't have to go back and fix it. I didn't have to take anything apart. I didn't have to backtrack.

I didn't put anything in wrong. I'll tell you what, folks. I know Christmas is a little ways away, but that's a Christmas miracle right there. I don't think that's ever happened to me, and I should win like a toolshed gold medal, an Olympic toolshed medal. Is there a thing at the Olympics for building tool sheds?

We got shot put, javelin, hurdles, long jump, and rubber made tool sheds. I claim the gold. Did it in record time without error. So there you go. As you can see, I'm toot my own horn. I'm a little proud of myself. Now, if only I could get my IKEA, king-size bed off the ceiling.

Because if I fall out of bed once more, get hit in the head. head with that ceiling fan i am i'm moving to a youth hostel so there you go uh gold olympic medal winner for the uh rubber made tool shed event that's me thank you very much no really thank you thank you why are you booing why are you why is that guy at the end of the track getting ready to throw his javelin i'm over here celebrating why is he throwing his javelin Why is it coming right at me? I'm the gold medal winner for the chip. Oh.

Okay. Great way to end the show with a javelin through the sternum. Wow. Doesn't matter. I'm still the champion. And speaking of champions, you want to see a champion do some stand-up tonight? Yeah, that's right. I'm a stand-up champion.

I will be in Tempe, Arizona, tonight at the Improv. Come and see me. It's Friday, October 14th, and then the 15th and the 16th as well. That's the Tempe Improv. Great club. Come on out. Check it out online at Improv.com. Just hit the Tempe Club.

And it's in Arizona. In case you don't know where Tempe is, it's in Arizona. And then the following weekend, October 20, 21, 22. I will be at the House of Comedy in Minnesota, which is in the big mall, the big Mall of America. So good times, good times to be had. Don't forget we have our Halloween special Halloween show coming up towards the end of the month. the Harland Highway Halloween special.

Always a treat. And don't forget to check out Harlow Williams.com. You can send your letters to Harlow Williams.com. Phone calls to 888-52090. And you can get the Harland Highway on your cell device with Stitcher. Go to Stitcher.com and download the free app. and you can hear us on the go. And speaking of go, it's time to go.

That's all the time we have today. Thanks for being here, everybody. Great to have you along. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. Let them join in on the merriment. And until next time, everybody, Chicken Chowman, baby. Thank you.