The Harland Highway - PODCAST 334

Episode Date: October 17, 2011

Eating and talking at the same time, a new language, Senior Fuentes, Seat belt mystery, fake owls, and, are you being good?? Bless my bacteria stains!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, is it me you're thinking of? Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Harland Highway. I am he, Harland, Harland of the Harland Highway. Thank you for coming along for the ride today. We have a wonderful podcast in store for you, my darlings. Senor Fuentes will be here today, my gardener, who knows what he's going to come up with this time. Have you ever read someone talk to you while you're trying to eat? I hope not, but I think you have.

We're going to get into that annoying practice. And I signed up at night school to learn a new language. I can't wait to tell you the new language I'm learning. Also have a incredible mystery that I want to talk to you about because I think this mystery doesn't only happen to me, but it's a collective thing that happens to you as well. Very interesting topic. Hopefully we uncover what causes it. Fake owl, anyone? We're going to talk about fake owls.

And also, are you a good person? We're going to talk about you being good. But right now, how about a good podcast? The Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. God damn it. Okay, does anybody have Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys or Sherlock Holmes or Colombo or any mystery solvers phone number available?

Because I have a crazy mystery that I need solved and I need it solved quickly. It's the most ridiculous thing, and I am mystified by it. And maybe you've been privy to this. Maybe you're a victim of whoever's doing this. But I get in my vehicle, I go to strap on my seatbelt, across my chest, and the damn seatbelt is twisted up like a movie theater licorice whip. Okay?

It's like I'm pulling a corn chip across my chest. It's like twisted and twirled and folded. It's bunched up. And I'm like, how is this possible? All I do is I pull my seatbelt across. I undo it and I let it slide back. So does someone break into my vehicle at night and twirl it around and spin it around

and run it up a may pole and a bunch of lords and ladies dance around in circles with my seatbelt so it gets all twirled up and twisted. You just picture them. Let us get ready

for the seatbelt festival one and all. Yay! La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la they're all running around a pole One hand on my seatbelt They're all taking turns running around in a circle La la la la la la la twist the seatbelt Twist the seatbelt, yay!

La, la, la, la. Throwing flower petals in the air, wearing their later hosen. La, la, la, la, la, la, twist his seatbelt, yay! I mean, it is ridiculous. And it's annoying. It's like I get in and I have trouble. Like, you know, there's that little clip you have to clip into the seatbelt. It's on a little sliding, a little piece of metal.

so it slides up and down through the seatbelt. Well, it ain't so easy to slide around when it's twirled up and twisted and rippled. And then you have trouble getting it into your clasp. You're like, oh, come on, come on, come on. It's like the difference between riding a motorboat across a glass-smooth lake and riding a motorboat across a lake

that's wind-wipped and white caps and waves and the boat's bouncing and splashing and getting blowing all around. The little clip on your seatbelt should just go and slide right over and into the clasp. But mine's all twisted up. It's rubbing on my chest. It's twirled up on my chest. It's digging into my breast. I mean, come on, man.

so if anyone knows like nancy drew or any of the big mystery solvers please have them somehow figure out the seatbelt twisty twirley twinkly curly seatbelt mystery because it's driving me nuts i'm about to smash my car into a tree on purpose oh you want to twist up all over my chest i will i'll show you so i hope you're not suffering the same discomfort i am because it is a bummer and if more and more people get as annoyed as i do they're going to keep ramming their vehicles into trees just to get away from the seatbelt twirl rub or itch and then the bodies are just going to start stacking up can you imagine stacks of bodies because of a safety device like a seatbelt. And speaking of bodies, stacking up, I want to read a great email I got.

This came from Bill Troutks, T-R-U-A-X. I don't know if I'm saying it right. It's Troutes, Trucks, Trox, Trix, are for kids. I don't know, but great name. and Bill wrote me and he said, Harland, you saved my sanity. Here's his letter, Dear Harland, I work for a rather large cemetery in Cooperstown, New York,

which can be a depressing job at times. And this year I've had to do the job all alone all year. There has been nobody to talk to, so I listen to podcasts all day, and I always look forward to yours, because no matter what, it always makes me laugh my ass off, and this has gotten me through the worst of this year.

year. I just wanted to write and say thank you. Thankfully yours, Bill Trocks. Well, that's awesome, Bill. I'm happy to make you happy. It'd be great if, you know, the people underneath you could hear the show, too. But nonetheless, it's never fun just working all alone if you're feeling that loneliness. And then as a little add-on at the end, to the letter. Bill says, P.S., I would love it if you came up with a bit for Signor Fuentes about leaf blowing.

That's what I'm doing in October. I guess a whole month of leaf blowing. Well, you know, Senor Fuentes hasn't been around for a little while, Bill, so I don't know that I can actually, you know, talk with him. And I got to be honest, I'm kind of good. glad because what he does is he just kind of barges in here unannounced and he oh no no no no oh god you know okay yeah yeah yeah senor you know it's like you talk about something and it happens i can't believe it what the hell are you doing here senor fuentes that senor fentes

I know who you are. Don't give me the name. Wow, Krusty, signor. Look, you know, this is odd because someone just wrote about you, and here you are, and... It's not like I sit outside your office door and listen, senor. What does that mean? Nothing.

All right, what are you doing here, Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. All right! What are you doing here? I had to come in today, Senor. I am guilty. What do you mean you are guilty? I am so guilty I could not live with the guilt, Signor. What are you talking about? What are you guilty about?

I did something very bad. Oh, God. What'd you break something? Worse than that, senor. Well, what is it? I did something with your neighbor that I should not have. What do you mean you did something with my neighbor? I gave your neighbor a blowjob, signor. What? I gave your neighbor a blowjob, a real long one. Oh, what are you saying? Are you telling me you're

coming out? What does that mean, senor? Well, you just said, I gave your neighbor a nice long blowjob? Look, my neighbor is a single male. He's a doctor. I know. It was unbelievable, but he asked me so kindly, and I had to give him a blowjob all over his front lawn and on his driveway. What you talking about a blow job seor his leaves were falling all over the place he saw me using the the uh the leaf blower on your driveway and he asked if i could come over and and blow his give him a blow job are you telling me are you telling me that you you used the leaf blower to clean up his yard see seor that's what i just told you and you're calling that a blow Well, what else would you call it, Senor? I'm blowing everything.

All right, you know what, Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. Look, you don't use the term blowjob. Well, why not, senor? Do you not know what a blowjob is? I just told you, Senor, I gave your doctor friend a really long blowjob right in his front. Stop it! Wow, I didn't know it was such a problem.

to give one man could give another man a nice long blow job Look, let me Let me clue you in on something, Fuentes. Yes, senor. A blow job is also a sexual term For something else.

What? Yes, a blow job Is when... How do I put this? Yes, how do you put this, senor? A blow job is when a when someone puts a man's

thingy a thingy seor like the horror movie the thing no not the horror movie the thing a man's penis whoa seor not so loud well you

when someone puts a man's penis in their mouth what what is the mass sacramita colobach mother mary a mammaja sammaria they stop the prayers and quit doing the holy crucifix sign.

Signor, you're sounding very perverted here. Well, look, you're the one that's got the terms mixed up. You can't walk around saying blowjob. It's a sex act where someone puts a man's penis in their mouth and orally pleasures it until a man has a moment and the job is done. Oh, God, what am I doing explaining this to you? Really, what are you doing explaining it to me, signor? Are you coming on to me?

All right, you know what? Get out of here. I can't help it if you don't have all your English together. I'm not an English teacher. I'll say you're not. You're like a dirty pervert principal trying to give me into detention. All right, enough. Thank you for coming in and telling me.

what you did, and just stop using that term. Okay, senor. So you're not mad at me? No, I'm not mad at you for leaf blowing my neighbor's property. Oh, that's so good, senor. So you're also not going to be mad at me when I tell you that I cleaned out his gutter? Oh, God! What, senor?

I cleaned out his gutter deep. It was dirty. I cleaned it out. It took me a long time. Get out of here! It's Harland Williams here at your service on the Harland Highway. I enrolled in a night school course. Yeah, I wanted to get a little more learnings in me, and I went back to night school. I'm learning a second language, though. No, not French, nothing romantic. Beaud amoeuv ex-sue. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No,

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Don't throw your back out. I'll learn an Italian. Hey! I think that was Italian. No, I'm going for something way more exotic, man. Not Russian, not German. I'm learning Bushman. Yeah, that's probably the toughest language of all.

You know the Bushman language from Africa? Or they just click? Yeah, guess what I just did? That was the Lord's Prayer, people. Okay? Give me an amen. United States Constitution? Oh!

Look at nice. me, man. Bilingual. I am happening. You should see me at the singles bars, man. I walk up to a chick. Get ripped by her ear. And I'm like, hey baby. Slapp. How did she know what I was saying? Just my luck. It's the hot chick from my night school class who sits in the back row with her hair combed over her face like the girl from the ring. Busted. Ha! Harle Williams, Bushman, here.

Ah, yes, talking. Um, did you know that there are times when you shouldn't talk? Uh-huh, that's right. This isn't one right now, because clearly I'm talking. I'm doing a podcast, so I need to be talking. You're probably going, gee, I wish for, right now he'd stop talking well no no no no no no no podcast time um and uh what i'm referring to is you know when people are eating you shouldn't be talking to them have you ever had that where

you're you're uh you're you're at a little diner a food court or a restaurant or wherever you may be and you kind of you know you've been working all morning and you're like oh Oh, God, lunchtime. And you just want to go and sit and eat and maybe read the paper or browse through your emails on your phone. Or just be alone for a few minutes or just savor your food. Just, you know, look at it and watch it and put it in your mouth and enjoy every bite.

Because you've had a rumbly-tumbly and you've had a hard day at work and you just, this is your moment, your indulgence. and you get about one or two bites in, you're like, oh, this is good. I'm just getting started, just getting started. And all of a sudden you hear, oh, hey, Jim, how's it going? And you're like, oh, hey, I saw you sitting over here. How's it going? Oh, yeah, I was, you know, can I talk to you for a second because I'm having trouble at work?

There's this new guy that's working in the photocopy room. and he's real, yeah, I'm, uh, and anyways, my son enlisted in the armed forces and he's going over to do a tour of Afghanistan. Yeah, I'm, uh, and my sister, oh my God, my sister just became a cheerleader and, right? And suddenly there's someone there who doesn't get it that you're eating, that you just sat down to eat. And it's kind of, really annoying to do both at the same time. It's one thing if you're sitting with a person to eat, if you're conversing and having lunch with an individual,

because then you're both eating and you do that little dance where one of you talks, will the other one eats, and then will you answer the other one? They stuff something in their mouth. But I'm talking about a situation where someone walks up to you. They're not eating. They're in transition. They're on their way to their office or they're on their way to somewhere else.

And they don't recognize the fact that you're eating, that you might have a hot meal that could be getting cold, or that you can't really converse because your mouth is full of food and you can't really, you know, I've got something in my mouth right now, so I really can't, you know, have a conversation if you don't mind. And they're just oblivious. They're like, like, dumb about it. It's just awful. and you go into this mode where you try to, like, edit your answers.

Like, you know, they could ask you about the Bible. What do you think of the Bible? How do you interpret the Bible? And normally you'd be like, well, philosophically, you know, God created the earth, and he had seven days, and then the revelation, and then Moses went up the, you know, normally you'd blabber away to let everyone know how smart you are. But when you're eating, you're like, yeah, you know, it's an individual. interesting book full of interpretations.

Oh, okay. Is that it? Yeah, that's it. And you'd think they'd get it. They'd be like, oh, I get it. You're eating. Okay, I'm sorry, I'll move on asking you about the Bible. You're eating your fish and chips. But they don't. They're like, so anyways, did you watch the football game last night? What do you think's going on with those Vikings? I mean, what's going on? Is it the management? Is it the players? and it just drives you nuts. It's like, why don't you understand this?

Why don't you have a clue? You're standing above me. I'm sitting down with a fork and a knife and I'm eating. And don't you get it? This isn't an inappropriate time? I was at an airport terminal not too long ago sitting there. And there was some guy who worked at the airport and he clearly like, you know, went out of his way.

He went to the kind of the gate right at the end of the terminal, kind of the most remote gate, and it just happened to be where my plane was flying out of. And it's probably like, you know what, I'll go sit way at the end, no one will find me, I'll eat my food. I've got a 45-minute break from, you know, handling everyone's luggage. And sure enough, man, I'm sitting there, and some guy walks up with glasses, a 25-year-old kid.

He's like, yeah, man, I joined the national. guard and uh you know it's cool it's like i work here but uh you know this place isn't going to pay for my education you know so what i'm going to do is i'm going to enlist and then uh you know those guys will totally pay for my education and you know blah blah and he goes on and on and you can see this guy's eyes right the guy sitting down eating trying to like you know silently send the guy the message like okay hurry up i don't need to hear this get going i said hello to you i was polite and he was trying to eat and oh this guy was standing right over him oblivious and i just wanted to walk over and go dude dude hello you enlisted great the guy's trying to eat

his damn uh chicken and coleslaw do you think he needs to hear about your life right now move on soldier so a i'm telling you this because i found it annoying but b i'm telling you this to be aware i'm trying to school you here i'm trying to learn you if you see someone eating maybe at the most a quick hello and goodbye hey great to see you don i see you're eating i'll catch up with you later great to see you man and he can be like yep go to see you too me the salt on the way out. But don't get in there and start a gab fest. Okay.

If you need to do any talking, leave it to me to do it right here on this podcast. Where are you going? Hey, where are you going? Come back. I was talking. I was doing a topic. I was talking.

Come back. Come back. I'll bake you a cake. I'll make you a four-course dinner. I'm back. Hoo-hoo-hoo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Okay, question of the day, was that a real owl or a fake owl? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Yeah, you've seen them, those fake owls, right? People put those fake owls up on their roof. I don't know if it's to scare mice away or what, but what I heard is it scares pigeons away. It keeps other birds away. Pigeons are scared by immobile owls Who wouldn't be terrified by a bird of prey That never, ever moves

I'm so scared, I think I'll land on the owl's head And sit here for a while and prune my feathers This guy never moves, he never blinks, he never turns his head Ooh, I'm terrified What next? A stick? I don't know, man, is that? It's kind of weird, using other things to scare other things. Imagine if us humans, instead of having Brinks home security,

we had, like, fiberglass statues of Charles Manson standing on our roof, in a pose like he was ready to jump. Or you had a fiberglass statue of Rambo. Caution, do not enter these premises. Rambo. Got a fake machine gun. You got, like, a big fiberglass statue of Rosie O'Donnell. over your garage.

She's got one of those like growls on her face. That famous scowl she has like she's about to take down a zebra. Keep out. It's Rosie O'Donnell. Not Rosie. Ah.

Am I the real Rosie or the fake Rosie? I don't know. I thought owls were supposed to be the wisest of all the birds. You're so smart, buddy. Why don't you try moving? Go get yourself a snack Yeah, I got a big statue of O.J. Simpson in my yard.

You want to walk in here? Yeah. I think O.J. I'll have something to say about that, Mr. But I think what a lot of people do is, you know, I've heard about this. I don't know if it's true, but there's a lot of these little security companies, you know, like brinks and uh you know places like that and you've seen them they have the little signs the little tiny signs that you stick in your garden or out by your gate or at the end of your driveway little metal sign and says this home protected by brink security or something like that right

and uh i've talked to guys from these security companies and they say that sometimes that's like all you really need that that's the biggest deterrent of all because you got to figure if you're a thief it's like okay do I want to go to the house that doesn't have a sign or do I want to waste time with the house that does have a sign

where I got to deal with finding the security system disabling it, dismantling it and so you know I've talked to some of these guys and that's what they say they say yeah just the sign pretty much is all you need you know it's a five dollar sign but now that i've told you that how would you

like to buy the uh 500 dollar a month security monitoring system where we call you if someone's breaking into your house which i always thought was a bit redundant right you put in a home uh security system and uh you know somebody's in there they're breaking in they're stealing and the security company calls you and says, hey, guess what, man, where are you? I'm like, in Hawaii, vacationing. Well, okay, don't want to wreck your vacation, but your alarm just went off

and somebody's rampaging through your house right now. Have a Mai Tai for me. Chow. You know, it's almost like with robberies, unless you're there or unless you happen to pull home, well, they're loading your TV into their trunk. What are you really going to do, right? And even these ones, you know,

now they've got the 24-hour monitoring systems that record. Like they're on a DVR and they digitally record. And you're like, okay, there's a guy rummaging through my bedroom and I don't know, what do I do? Give this to the police. I mean, hopefully the police can do something with it, but, you know, I don't know how high on the priority list is that for the police.

It's like, officer, look, man, I gave you the tape. There's the guy. You can see his face. He's going through my drawers in my bedroom, officer. And the cop's like, okay, great, I got people being murdered. I got drive-byes. I got people robbing banks. I've got terrorist alerts and I should be chasing down the guy that went into your top drawer in your bedroom and stole your high school watch and some foreign currency.

Well, yeah. Not going to happen. So you just got to kind of like, you know, chalk it up as you just got to hope you're not broken into. Because I don't know. and I don't have the statistics. I'm just guessing here. Maybe some of you folks that have been broken into can call and leave a message, but how many people really ever retrieve their stuff once there's been a home burglar,

burglary? I can't even say the word. Someone stole my ability to enunciate. But how much of that stuff has ever recovered? How hard do the police work to track that down? I don't know. It'd be interesting to see. I would hope that it's a lot.

I would hope that a lot of this stuff's recovered, but you've got to figure in a city of 10 million people like L.A., right? Where there's maybe, you know, what, 50,000 cops, if that, I don't even know how many there are. Do they have time to track down Aunt Nellie? these VCR that she refuses to get rid of and her laptop? I don't know. It's pretty amazing, though, when you think of it, you know,

all the human beings, all the possessions, all the buildings, all the architecture. And you've got to figure 80% of all buildings. All you have to do is really walk up and break a window and reach in and open a door. It's not that hard. most places probably don't even have security, but what I'm getting at is I'm not encouraging people to steal.

What I'm getting at it, it's amazing that it isn't just a constant thing. Like people are afraid to leave their homes because they know if they do, they're going to get broken into. And shame on the people that do the breaking in, man. I mean, what the hell is with those people? everyone in life works hard they work hard for their money they work hard to buy the things they want

that they need to create a safe comfortable living environment and you get people that just have no regard for that they just like you know what I don't need to work you know what that guy's gone I've been casing out his house I'll just smash a window

take all his electronics whatever money I can find whatever jewelry that's all i need to do that's uh you know 15 minutes work i make uh 10 grand and uh you know who cares about the jackass who owns this stuff boy aren't you nice good mentality there cat burglar thief felon crook you know podcast, I mean, God bless, maybe there are some. You never know who's listening, but if you do steal, shame on you, and change your ways, just look in the mirror and go, you know what, this ain't right, this ain't right

what I'm doing? That stuff belongs to someone else. It's not mine. What am I doing taking someone else's stuff? Who the hell am I? why am I doing it now if that little speech right there just gets to one person's heart

and changes them around God bless like I said I don't know that I have thieves and crooks listening to the podcast but you never know you never know what people are up to and what they do so before you do

anything like that remember that old saying do on to other as thou would have done unto thine self. Before you rip someone off or slash someone's tire or run out of a restaurant without paying your check or whatever, just put yourself in their shoes and go, gee, how would I like it if someone did that to me? There you go.

Wow, hard and heavy rate at the end, huh? Hard and heavy food. food for thought but you know sometimes maybe we forget this stuff maybe we all forget it including me so hey there it is just popped into my head and i'm throwing it out there it's never a harmful to be reminded to be good now and then right we always need to be reminded about things so let's just remember to being good i have a feeling all everyone listening is good i certainly hope you are but if you're slacking a little bit, if maybe you're slacking off and not being as good as you could.

A little reminder, try to do a little better, try and be as good as you can be. We're all in this together. And there you go. Leave it right there on a high positive note where we all try to be a little better. Yeah, why don't you try doing a better podcast? Jackass.

Okay, now we don't need heckling from the back room. It's not the back room, it's just me. I've moved away from the microphone, idiot. All right, now I'm getting into an argument with myself. And that's a good sign that we need to shut down the shop. So there you go. Be good. And I'll continue to try to be good and bring you good podcasts.

hope you're laughing, hope when you're having fun wherever you are. Don't forget you can leave a message at 888, 52090. You can drop me a letter at harlowe Williams.com. Don't forget to visit our store there. Pick up your Harlow Williams merchandise. And please, please remember that this weekend, October 20th through the 22nd, I will be at the House of Comedy

at the Mall of America in Minnesota. Oh, boy. So come on out and catch the show if you're in the neighborhood. Look forward to seeing you there. And that's all we got, man. I got to go outside and polish my O.J. Simpson doll. Looks like an owl just crapped on his helmet. So there you go.

Until next time, chicken. Chowmy, baby. Thank you. Thank you.