The Harland Highway - PODCAST 336

Episode Date: October 21, 2011

Keeping warm, Baby wipes, Air fresheners, listener celebrity impressions, The Walking Dead TV show. Snorkle your slippers off!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

La-da-de-la-da-da-da-la-da-la-da-la-da-la-da-la-da-da. Okay, annoying, right out of the gate. I don't blame you if you've shut this podcast off already. Why did I do that? But if you hung in there for the first 11 seconds, here's what you got to look forward to. How about some impressions from some of you listeners? Yes, people have been calling in. doing their celebrity impressions and we're going to start with a number of them the first batch

will be played on today's podcast so you can't miss that you can't miss that and how about air fresheners you ever use those things when you stink up a room we're going to talk about that um the walking dead a new uh tv series that came out earlier this year and is a a runaway hit Surprise hit. We're going to talk about that show. If you like, zombies, stick around. I'm going to tease you later with a special announcement about one of my upcoming projects that I'm very excited about.

Yeah. And, you know, winter's coming. The fall is here. The chill is starting to get into the air. So we're going to be talking about keeping warm and keeping clean. We're going to talk about baby wipes. How about that? all here on the extra fresh

Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn

onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee. God damn it. I just sprayed some air freshener, man. Smells like a glated wood in here.

Did that ever fool anybody, huh? You've had a big meal, you go into the bathroom. You've got to do your business. After you're done, it's not too pleasant. The air molecules have been poisoned. It's human. Everybody's done it. Not me, but you have.

It's just, you know, it's enough to knock a flock of Canadian geese out of the air. I mean, they can be flying along in a V formation and just turn into an X or an O or a Y. You just knock them off their X as you've created such a stink. And what do you do? You don't want people to know that you are the source of the toxic cloud, so you reach for that can and you can't spray enough of it man it's barely working man it's like trying to patch up concrete with sand and suddenly you go from egg salad that's tainted to a beautiful pine forest

your toilet has become narnia i mean come on who you trickin with the tangerine lemon and now they got cinnamon spice and they got pine tree forest scent you think a moose farts out in the woods and he pulls out a can that smells like a townhouse it smells like a living room in here i guess we got to do something right to cover up the little stinky spots in life Yeah, there's a lot of smelly old spots in life. You ever have to frieze your lover before you go at it? Uh-huh. Because that can get swampy.

You know, I mean, what's better smelling than the smell of lovemaking and fresh laundry? And how about the ladies, you ever have to have to have? Hang one of those little tiny pine tree air fresheners on your man. You know the ones for your rearview window? You ever hang one of those on your man? Because he's got the smellies. I had a conversation with some girls not too long ago, and they were going ballistic for the baby wipes.

Now, I don't know how many you used the baby wipes, especially men. But we were just having this conversation, and they kind of made it seem like maybe I use baby wipes. So you use baby wipes, right? I'm like, what, what wipes? I don't have a baby. And they go, no, not a baby. Like, you use baby wipes on yourself, right?

I'm like, no, I don't use baby wipes. I'm a man. Oh, grout. You don't use the baby wipes on your outfit? That's the thing. And so I found out that I guess the women like to use the baby wipes. they're they're uh the least these ones did they were all over it they were they were acting like it was heaven heaven in a plastic jar oh my god i got up the baby wipes i got to wipe away all the crusty

i'm like well what if you're not even planning on having anyone visit if you know what i mean that doesn't matter i get up the baby wipes all the time the baby wiped and i said to them i said you know it made me remember something i said you know i went out with a girl once who had the baby wipes and she kept them right by the toilet and all it did for me was it got me a little suspicious they're like what do you mean why do you get suspicious i said well i see a girl using baby wipes all the time it got me thinking maybe she had the stank i was like oh my god the tank i said yeah i'm not trying to be rude but it made me start to think then

and I'm coughing just thinking about it. Maybe she had, you know, some women, and I'm not trying to be mean or rude. It's just a fact of biology. Some women don't exactly smell like a flower shop down there. And if I got to draw an analogy, maybe it smells more like someone just opened a can of sardines. Or the guy that works at the Calamari factory just walked home without showering before he left work.

Okay? So, yeah, sometimes a woman, God lover, can have the stank, and it's no fault of her own. Sometimes it's just a genetic thing or it's a bacterial thing or whatever. I'm not a gynecologist. Or am I? Listen to me going on about it. Maybe I am. And I'm coughing just thinking about the stank, but it's a fact of life.

And so when these baby wipes were sitting around, I started thinking, hmm, wait a minute, maybe, why is she using those? What's with the baby wipes? I mean, can't she just use toilet paper? Why, why the, why the, and I'm still, it's like an onion went off in here. I'm like, I'm like, what's going on? Is she hiding something? And then the girls jumped all over the stank thing. Well, well, the boy's got the stank, both got the stank too on them, on them balls.

The board's got stank on the balls. That's why a man's got a baby wipe. So I don't know if this is a new thing or I'm just clued out. Maybe I missed the baby wipe boat. And maybe I need to hear from some men out there to reassure me or even some women. Somebody call and let me know if this is a common thing. And I'm just this disgusting petri dish of bacteria wandering around. I'm like contagion.

I'm spreading the stanker. I don't know. I've never had any complaints and I feel just fine. but suddenly these girls made me paranoid that I should be buying baby materials. Just see me at the checkout line. Okay, that's one bottle of Coca-Cola, one bottle of baby wipes, a rattle, a cether, a breast pump,

and some Gerber baby food. Congratulations on your child, sir. Oh, no, no, I just have smelly nuts. Oh, oh. Next. Right? I mean, God. Now I'm almost feeling a bit paranoid.

So, guys, please help me out if somehow I've missed the boat. I missed the memo to the guys about baby wiping everywhere down there. I don't think I have, but whew. So I don't really want to do the baby wipes But let me hear what you think 888-52090 And let's talk stank And speaking of talking about stuff This is fun

I put out a notice A few podcasts back where I was like Hey everybody does impressions right So I was like, hey, why don't you, guys, try your hand at doing impressions and call the Harland Highway and leave your impression on the answering machine at 888, 52090. And we got a few. This is the first crop. So let's play them and see how you feel about some of the pavement pounders and they're incredible. Celebrity Impressions.

Hello, Holland. This is Sir Elton John. And I'm calling today on the Holland Highway because I have a beef. I have a beef with tapioca pudding, old boy. This stuff has the texture of a bloody lugee. And when I say the texture of a lugee, I mean, it tastes like the texture

of a bloke that has smoked warm. way too many fags, and he's hopped up his morning lugie into a cup, and they call it papioca pudding, old boy. I just, I'm outraged by this, and I wanted to call the Harlem Highway and see what everybody thought about this, if they think the same thing. This is Sir Elton John checking out on the Holland Highway. Okay. I mean, if you're going to call in, I'm going to grade you. So, you know, good effort, but I feel like that sounded just like any old English guy. Hello, Arlen. I've got some tapioca pudding, Holland. I didn't really get that it was Elton, a good British accent, but on that one, I'm going to have to give you a C. Okay? Let's see what I'm.

else we have. Island. Listen, this is Patrick Warburton, Colin. Listen, I'd like to do my impression of Jerry Seinfeld for you, so here it is. Why? Two people. Do impressions of me. Would somebody please tell me?

Because I want to know. Anyway, I'm a big fan of the podcast, so take a look at the sky today. Talk about blue. Thanks a lot. See ya. Why is the sky blue? Why is that sky blue? Yeah, I give myself a D-minus on Seinfeld.

And again, good effort. Good effort there, buddy. But you know what? I got to keep the pavement pounders working hard to get an A. Good effort. But it sounded like kind of a fatter, kind of blonde-haired steelworker Seinfeld. He was just a little too puffy, if you know what I mean?

Just the voice sounded puffy. So C on that one, too. That's two Cs. And don't be discouraged. I give you honest marks to encourage you to come back and up your game. Let's try one more. We got an old school actor, superstar from the glory years of Hollywood, Carrie Grant.

Let's see how this one goes. Hello, Holland. This is Terry Grant. Listen, Holland, I need your help. I've lost my dog. I opened the door and the little bitch ran out. I yelled at her, chitie, chutty, chitie, come back. But she never did.

Oh, Holland, please help me find my dog. Great podcast. The Holland Highway is the only way to go. Okay. This is just me. Okay, you guys can be your own, judge. I'm going to give that one the best of the lot. So the other two got a C.

I'm giving this one a C plus. So this one, this one wins the round. The Kerry Grant wins the round. I can't do it as good as that, gentleman, but I lost my bitch or whatever he did. Good job. All three of you. I appreciate the after.

keep it coming everybody i know all of you do impressions you do somebody so let's see if we can get a b or a b plus or an a or an a plus i have faith we're going to nail someone someone's going to nail it so keep them coming 888 500 2090 that's 888 500 29 that's 888 500 29 All right, I tried to mix them all together. It didn't work. But thank you guys. And ladies, feel free to call in with your impressions. And this thing's just getting started. Let's heat it up, player. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hungry now. Now? What about now? Whenever it hits you, wherever you are,

grab an O. Henry bar to satisfy your hunger. With its delicious combination of big, crunchy, salty peanuts, covered in creamy caramel, and chewy fudge. with a chocolatey coating. Swing by a gas station and get an O'Henry today. Oh, hungry, oh Henry. The snows are coming. You get a little bit of that cold fall air,

the winter air gets under your skin, and you just got the chills, and you're like, ooh, I can't get warm enough. You just want to huddle up in a pack of wild old ladies. Come on, grannies, get around me and keep me warm. Huddle. And what do you do? You try and wrap yourself in a blanket.

Still chilling. There's only one thing left to do. You either light the fire and throw yourself in the fireplace. That doesn't work. Does that hurt? Or you turn on that shower. Oh, that warm, steamy shower. You jump inside.

The hot water's coming, but you still feel the chills so you inch it a little hotter. Another little increment of heat. Not hot enough. and you turn in another little increment. And then another one and another one, and your skin gets pinker and redder, but you're getting warmer, and then all of a sudden the searing, boiling water

is cutting through your flesh, and you get rater and rater. You're becoming a lobster is what you are. A cooked lobster. You can run down to the kitchen and cover yourself in butter. Throw your body in front of a fat guy. Here there's a lobster loose.

Oh, holy gal, he's loose. Everybody get out of here. He's fenced, though. Quickly, cover yourself with that butter and carry lemon just in case. You have to squirt him with him so far to repel him. Everybody get out of here quickly. There's going to be a tragedy. But I'm warm, damn it.

I've beat the chills, and I'm warm. Anyways, keep warm, keep warm, keep safe. Keep it right here. on the Harland Highway. Oh, God! And speaking of walking down the highway, how many of you have been watching that new TV series? I think it's on AMC called The Walking Dead.

It's a show about, you know, modern day society has ceased to exist, and there's just a handful of humans left alive. and there's hundreds of thousands of ex-humans that are alive, but it becomes zombies. And the series kind of revolves around a small group of like two dozen people, and they've kind of, they come from all walks of life, and they've banded together, and they stay together because they're strength in numbers,

and they try to travel across the USA, and avoid the flesh-eating zombies. And it's a compelling series. It's done well. The makeup's done well. It's scary. It's frightening. It's kind of grotesque and fantastical.

But inevitably, what happens is at the end of the day, you know, it's one thing to sit through a two-hour zombie movie. But when you try to do a series like Dallas, right, or a, you know, 15 years. of a soap opera like saddens through the hourglass the zombies teeth fall you know

it's like you start to realize that how threatening are zombies I mean basically they're dim-witted human beings that have trouble walking and they can't move very fast

they're like they're on you know if it was a volume switch they'd be on three and they can't really organize very well because they don't talk they just kind of they shuffled through the street and I guess their noses pick up the smell of blood or live people or something and they try to hunt them down and eat them and I'm seeing all these zombies walking in groups

and I'm going well why doesn't that zombie just eat the other zombie like there's 40 zombies there's 40 walking people how does he differentiate between you know a dead human and a live human so to speak i mean i get it they can probably smell fresh meat but in the meantime if the fresh meat was scarce wouldn't you go ah you know what i was really looking forward to a healthy white teenager but uh i haven't eaten in five days and uh this old bag who's the living dead beside me'll do she looks delicious enough but they never pick on each other and so here you are you're faced with this dilemma you've got all your faculties you're still athletic you're able to run you're able to shoot a gun you're able to climb you're able to and here's these zombies shuffling after you like a bunch of

people sleepwalking, and it's like, just pick them off. So what I'm getting at is over time you watch this series, and the threat level starts to go down. It starts to wear out its welcome, and it's a shame because the show is done really well. I mean, they put it together really well, a lot of attention to detail and the script and the stories. But at the end of the day, you start going, oh, look, here comes another wandering dead guy that's not very fast and kind of a retard. You know? Oh, I get it. He's going to kind of wobble up to them and kind of clumsily put his arms around them and try to bite them.

And after, after, you know, seeing about five or six zombie attacks, you kind of over it. And so what they've done with the show to compensate for that is they've kind of done what they did with Lost very successfully. The show Lost is now they're making it more about the personalities and the drama between the personalities in this isolated group. But the problem with that is now it's becoming all that. It's like here's these people trapped in this intense world where dead people are chasing them

and every three seconds you have these intense dramatic scenes where everyone's eyes are watering it's like I know there's 25 dead corpses walking towards us but my husband died and with my husband dead

I don't know if I can go on and who are you who are you Jim huh to tell me how to do how to be how to live you know and it's just all this heavy drama and suddenly you feel like you are watching the days of our lives

with a wandering corpse in the background and it's just too much it's like now it's like everyone's on the rag it's like every little thing that happens somebody flares up what do you mean we can't go down that road you know i i can't take this anymore i've got a secret i've i've got three tits you know it's it's like everything's drama now and i'm like you know what get to the zombies i don't care about you people that much and what's funny too and this is going to sound mean because i'm an actor but i'm going to call it as i call it the actors on the show are adequate they're good some are better than others some are great geoffrey demun is a great actor i've actually worked with him in rocket man wonderful

great actor and they're all competent but this was probably kind of targeted as a iffy series more of a low-end series where they're like I don't know if the public's going to take to zombie a series about zombies let's shoot a few and let's just call it a day so that be what I'm saying is the actors do a great job but let's just say they're not up to they didn't snuff. I don't know if they picked the best actors in the world, and I don't know if they were able to. I don't know if they had the budget, and I don't

know if a lot of the heavy hitter actors looked at it and go, this will never fly? A series about zombies? What are you crazy? But suddenly the thing's a hit, and you've got these actors that are okay, but they don't really carry the series, some of them.

And so you've got a lot of different components going on in that show. So I hope I didn't wreck the show for you. Like, thanks a lot, Arland. I was such a long-winded dissection of the show. I feel like I'm brain dead. I'm a zombie. Hey, just sharing my thoughts.

Light now. So there you go. The Walking Dead, still a good show compared to a lot of the crap that's on TV. I'd put it in the upper echelon. of well done TV shows so how about that I I kicked it around a little you know I gave I gave you the critique but for everything I said that maybe wasn't spot on I'm still saying it's in the upper tier of television of my opinion and it's better than a lot of the crap out there so I'm not I'm not gonna put I'm also praising it

so there you go check it out the walking dead And if by chance you like your television with something a little more alive, I got to share with you. I can't keep it in. I'm too excited. I just finished shooting my new hour-long stand-up comedy special. And I am jazzed, man. I am jazzed.

I'm not going to tell you too much about it because we literally just finished shooting. uh we we uh within the last 24 hours um there's been no editing done and this stand-up special if we pull it off if we cut it right if we put it together properly is uh it's going to be very different from any stand-up special you've ever seen i promise you i guarantee it um I don't know if there's any other stand-up special of its kind that's been shot. And so I'm going to hold back on telling you about it until I've made sure that it's been edited properly, and it's in the can, as they say, in the industry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And see, I'm excited. When I do Charles Nelson Riley, you know I'm excited. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I shot a comedy special. Oh, oh, ho. Oh, my God, I'm going to get myself a heart attack. I'm going to give myself on Nelson Riley attack. But once I know it's been cut and approved by the network,

I won't even say which network it's going to be on yet. I will be telling you all about it But I guess this is just like a little teaser And more than that, I'm just very excited Because like I said, we just finished shooting it Very freshly, freshly, freshly And I'm jazzed And, you know, I took a lot of risks with it

I did a lot of things different And kind of like everything I do in life So that's all I'll say about it I won't be a tease I don't like to be one of those guys That talks about things that aren't Really there yet So I'll keep you posted

How's that? We'll leave it right there And You'll hear about it When the time is right, baby When the time is right I'll tell you all about it And speaking of the time being right We'll look at that

We're all out of time there. We're all out to time, darlings. Yes, we are out of time. But what a show. What a fun show we had today. Lots of interesting things. Baby wipes. Impressions.

Walking dead. All kinds of stuff. Smells. Hell smells. But we'll be back. We'll be back for our next podcast. And I just want to thank you. thank all of you for joining

in coming along for the ride and I certainly hope you tell your friends and family, send them a link or do something to let people know, put it up on your Facebook page or your YouTube

channel or your iTunes I'm counting on you folks to spread the word. I don't want you hog and all the fun my goal and I'm not going to hide it. I want everyone in the world to be here in this podcast. You know, my M.O. is to give people a chuckle, make them laugh,

and the more I can reach out and touch, the better I feel, and I think you will too. So do your best, if you don't mind. If you don't mind me asking a little favor, spread the word, and don't be a nerd. Yeah, I rhyme. I do poetry. so that's it and uh don't forget this weekend oh my gosh tonight tonight my little lubkins i will be at the house of comedy at the mall of america how about that i'm at a mall doing comedy yeah could he get a hot dog on a stick oh what i'm on these three priests walk into a bar and a lemonade

um so i'll be there tonight two shows tonight two shows saturday night the 22nd of October and then don't forget next week oh next week the harland highway Halloween special show if you've got the cahones to listen to it you're going to be terrified um and uh that'll be exciting and uh and then uh going into november you can catch me at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, Friday, November 4th, and Saturday, November 5th. So a lot of great stuff, a lot of great clubs, a lot of great comedy activity, man. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So that's it.

That's all I got, man. I only have one thing left to say, and I think you know what it is. Chicken. Chow May, baby. Thank you.