The Harland Highway - PODCAST 337

Episode Date: October 24, 2011

Reading with Braile, solids, liquids, and gas, home repairs, a new trick with my phone, body fluids, movie talk. Gaggle my geese!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey now, hey now, hey now. How are you, everybody? Thought I'd sing in there with a sweet little hey now. And if you're a horse, hey now means your dinner is coming. But for the rest of you, you're getting served a podcast. Yes, welcome to the Harland Highway. It is I, Harlan Williams, your host and master of ceremonies. We're going to get into it today. Home repairs. Are you good at them? Have you tried them? We're going to be talking about that.

How about Braille? Does anybody out there read Braille? We will definitely talk about Braille. And then I figured out a new thing I can do with my cell phone, something I've never done before, fascinated me, uh just made my life a bit easier and just one more way so uh check that out i'm going to be going into that and then we're going to be talking about your body your body fluids all the things that the bodies manufacture okay and then from the chart of elements i think solid liquid and

gas. Is that from the chart of elements? I'm all mixed up. But then, why shouldn't I be? I'm on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Jamie. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it. Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play.

What does that mean? The deer and the antelope play? What's that you look out your back window? There's a deer and an antelope. Engaged in a wicked game of trivial pursuit. Duh, in what country does rhubarb grow? Oh, I don't know. Duh, okay, now what do we do?

Uh, I don't know. Let's go eat some leaves and get our head shot off. Man, who came up with those intense lyrics? Home on the range. Speaking of your homes, don't try to fix it. stuff yourself, people. I know there's people. Oh, you know what? I'm going to save a few grand. I'm going to retile

the bathroom. Yeah, I'll save three grand. I'll do it myself. I go to Home Depot. I buy the stuff. I do my bathroom. And when it's done, it looks like the undercarriage of a school bus.

Nice try. You don't know how to fix your homes. Oh, I got a leak. I'll fix that. Wake up in your underwax. There's a great white shark staring in your eyes. And I'm guilty, too. I'm not chastising you just for the fun of it. But I did it last weekend.

I tried to install the ceiling fans myself. Ooh, I'm going to save 500 bucks. No electrician for me. I installed four ceiling fans in my house. Oh, I can do the wiring. Sure. Four ceiling fans. I put them on.

put them on high I didn't know what I was doing people my house is now flying over Greenland okay I just have a slab I'm standing on a concrete slab my house flew away

because I wouldn't spring for an electrician this old house what is my house chitty chitty bang now oh well I'm sleeping under the stars here on the Harland Highway. Yes, and although that was a failure for me,

let me tell you about a success story, and this is a first time for me, I always find it exciting when I figure out something new to do with my phone. And it happened this week. I had to fly, and I needed to print up my boarding pass, you know, because if you show up at the airport with your boarding pass in hand, what a time saver it, it takes you out of one less line you have to stand in. So instead of getting out of your car or your taxi, going into the airline ticket counter,

getting your boarding pass, and then you go into the security line, you alleviate that by having boarding pass in hand, you print it up at home. and that's what I normally do but I didn't have access to a printer at the hotel and I thought wait a minute they have this little option where you can check in and you can have your boarding pass sent to your cell phone and I'm like all right sounds easy all I do is click a button and see what happens so sure enough boom I clicked it 30 seconds later I got a text message I open it it It's this weird little, it looks like some kind of Aztec alien signal symbol type of thing. It was like this black square with squiggly lines and then another black square in the middle.

Like really freaky stuff. Like I don't know what race of beings put it together, but somehow in that black square was all this information about me and my flight. makes me wonder if we're being watched by an alien race. Aliens are running our phone systems and our airlines. So here I go. I run into the airport. I walk up to the place where you check in with security,

the TSA, or whatever it's called. and instead of handing him a boarding pass, I just held my phone up to this little box with a red light in it. Go ahead, sir. Perfect. Then I get to my gate. I have to get on my plane.

No boarding pass. I just, once again, held the phone up to this little light. Go ahead, sir. Boom. So I like this for a number of reasons. One, I have my phone with me anyways, right? Two, it's easy to do. And three, there's no paper, no paper being wasted.

There's no me fumbling around for paper. There's no me folding paper. There's no me worrying about losing the paper or trying to remember which part of my suitcase I zipped it up in. Just right there on my phone. Boom. And so that was cool. I like finding out new little things about my phone

and that was just one of them so maybe it'll work for you next time you go flying but just make sure you put your cell phone into that little light box and not your face because you don't want to be blinded by the light wake up like a doucheon in the morning morning in the night or something like that what the what what the heck's a duchin in the middle of the

night who's a duchin in the middle of the night can you at least wait till the morning trying to sleep stop your duchin in the middle of the night oh man oh boy blinded by the light blindness yeah there's blind people out there people count your blessings you take it for granted there's blind people out there who function just fine but the majority of us have the gift of sight and for our blind friends I guess they use a little method called braille you ever notice get on an elevator

there's little buttons underneath the main button those are braille buttons you go to your ATM machine little braille buttons I learned to read braille Yeah, I did. Not to get around, but just so I could walk up to pimply-faced teenagers and read their cheeks. Just run your fingers right over their cheeks. They all say the same thing.

They all say you're not getting laid to your 43. That's the acne curse. But don't worry, I think Jessica Simpson and P. Diddy have a commercial out. oxyfab or pine tar or something to clear those pimples away uh pimples they're gross especially when they fill up with pus I saw a kid the other day with a zit so pussy on his forehead there was a hummingbird flying in front of it just hovering

looking for a nectary treat I know it's getting gross but I mean come on life itself is gross we we as humans are gross. You want to hear something gross, and don't take this in... It's hard to say this, but don't take this in a sexual way. But in a way you have to, maybe. But try and think of it as not being sexual, but more scientific. Okay?

Take a look at yourself. Grab your arm. Pound on your chest like a gorilla. Scratch your head. Pull your ear. Pull your ear. Touch the tip of you. your nose, blink, ball your fist up and just punch your upper thigh. Okay, now you've done all that

and what does it tell you? It tells you you're solid. It tells you that you're a mass. You're a mass of flesh and bone and cells and blood and tissue. You're a solid mass, right? Now think about how you started at one point you were liquid isn't that creepy at one point you were just a little puddle of liquid and I'm not trying to be gross you were you were watery you were you were a liquid

it funny how we evolve you think you probably look at a tadpole in the in the water you know just a little black thing with no arms and legs and you go how weird now it's a frog. So imagine you just liquid. A little puddle of liquid and you grew up to be five, six feet tall, weigh a hundred-something-odd, 200-something-odd pounds.

You can carry logs, you can drive cars, you can put stuff over your head. You went from a liquid to a solid. And I guess when you die, you go to it and turn into a gas because I guess you just become vapor right you just kind of melt away and oh we're like we're like the table of elements and here's where it takes a turn where again I've got to talk about this in a sexual context but I'm not trying to be overly sexual or graphic or anything but it's a fact of life it's a fact of life that when we were liquid we were a little

puddle of sperm and I did some research. Turns out in that little puddle, 180 million, okay? Think of that number, 180 million of your little brothers and sisters, little polywogs, microscopic polywogs swirling around, 180 million liquid brothers and sisters, and you made it. You were the super athlete. Okay. Okay. So now, and this is just, again, a fact of human sexuality, many women, okay, during the sex act we know as fallacio, will, and I don't like talking about this, but they will swallow the said liquid, okay? And you probably don't think much about it. Yeah, whatever. I mean, I wouldn't do it, but. kind of gross, but maybe some girls like it, you know? And I don't know what the ratio is. I'm betting it's, I bet half do and half don't.

I don't know. I haven't done a study, but could be a good idea for easy. But if you think of it in terms of 180 million future people in that little puddle, doesn't that get creepy? I mean, you're talking about a woman swallowing 180 million people. It's like you ever see the National Geographic specials when the whales out in the ocean, they do these big bubble circles,

they swirl around underwater and they blow bubbles and it's almost like they make a net out of bubbles. This is bubble net feeding. They do this big, wide, like 50-foot parameter, and they freak all the little tiny microscopic krill, they call them. They're like a little tiny shrimp. These are krill, tiny shrimp-like creatures measuring little more than two inches in length. It's hard to believe they're the stapled diet for many animals in these waters,

including the biggest animals on the planet. And then when they've got them all balled up inside this bubble, These giant whales come breaching out of the water with their mouths open and swallow millions of these little things. Working cooperatively, they round up the krill in a net of air bubbles. Then using a series of elegant maneuvers, they drive the krill to the surface. In this way, these humpbacks can feast on two tons of krill a day. So I guess I'm drawing a comparison. If you break it down, that's like when a woman swallows the puddle of a hundred days.

It's like, it's like a whale harvest. You imagine just a woman eating 180 million poor souls? How dare you? How dare you, cannibals? How dare you? eating a small city you just ate Toledo Ohio in one serving what is wrong with you can't you isn't there a drive-thru in your neighborhood go get a burger you just swallowed a 180 million poor souls oh god i know you can't think too hard about this stuff or it just gets weird

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Well, I better go sharp for my harpoon. You'll get myself a baluga. Harlan, this is Justin from Maryville, Tennessee. Just want to say love you and the podcast. I'm normally not one to call and leave messages like this, but one, I've had a few beers. And two, I've been watching Down Periscope this evening. And the scene where you do, the whale calls, is hilarious

love it love the podcast thanks for everything keep it going sorry to Bobby bye hey man you do not need to apologize that's what the phone numbers

there for call in leave your comments your questions, your thoughts. And I'm glad you liked that movie Down Periscope. It is a submarine movie I got to do with Kelsey Grammer back in the 90s. Good Lord, the 90s. And I think it was my second or third movie, something like that. I think it was my second movie after Dumb and Dumber.

And it was really unique because how often does one even get to go in a submarine in one's life, and how often does one get to, you know, shoot a movie in and around a submarine? So good times, and, yeah, that scene in Down Periscope required me to have to do a whale call. It was in the script, and if you watch the movie, you'll get the context of it all. but uh during the filming the producers of the movie came up to me and they said harlan you know we're taking the whale call scene out and i said why and they said well we don't know how to do it we don't know how to you know make a whale call it's not gonna work and i said no no no no leave it in the script and they go why i said i will give you a whale call and they're like how i said just trust me i'll give you the whale call and uh

and sure enough, if you watch the scene, I go on and do this very high-pitched whale call, and it was just a riot. And it was one of those scenes where it was very intense. I had to focus a lot. And, you know, the scene took place where I was surrounded by 20 different actors. And it was one of those rare scenes where, you know,

I put so much into it that the second scene ended when the director yelled, cut, everyone just blew up laughing. And it was a lot of fun. And believe it or not, it was that scene that kind of popped me in the movie world. It was that scene that got me a lot of attention

because that scene kind of, in a way, stole the movie. It was probably one of the most memorable and funny scenes in the movie. I didn't think much of it at the time. I was just like, hey, I can do it. It'll be fun. But, you know, I guess what they do is they test score a lot of these movies. They do test audiences, and I guess the audience has really reacted to that moment and that character and what I did there.

And a little film history from my biography is that that's kind of the role that was pivotal in garnering me a lot of attention from the Hollywood studios. and, you know, that's the movie that kind of opened up the doors for Rocket Man for me and kind of put me on the map as a comedy presence, a comedy actor in town, and so I'm very grateful for that movie. And believe it or not, I passed on it at one point. They wanted me to do it, 20th Century Fox, and I was like, no, I don't know, you know, no. And I said no to a bunch of the terms on the... the contract and they just kept coming back at well we'll change this we'll change that and i was

like wow look at me pulling some strings here huh and uh i'm i'm really happy that you know we always you always talk about how fate plays a hand and uh i guess it was fate that made this all happen and uh i ended up in the film and it it opened a lot of doors to other things so i'm glad you liked the movie i thought i'd play your message right after we did the whole the whale eating the krill routine it's very

it's become a very whale sensitive segment here at the back end of today's podcast but hey why not it's all about having a little fun isn't it yep having fun and just being people

right that's what we are we just we're people and we function and that's who we are and we are weird we are very very weird i'm going to get graphic here for a minute so put your earmuffs on if you can't handle hearing about yourself but people we are like little easy bake ovens have you thought about all the things that come out of us all the things our body creates tears sliding down our faces

blood and we cut ourselves snot sweat pus mucus sperm salt we make salt

past the pepper sorry I only make salt saliva you've all spat at something on your way down the road we vomit we make yeast we make fudge

yeah you know the fudge here come the fudge here come the fudge here come the fudge Ooh, look, here come to fudge. We make oil. Why are we in business with the Middle East when we can make our own oil? We should do like they do on the Discovery Channel

when they press poisonous snakes fangs and into a cloth and extract the venom and it drops into a beaker. We should all press our faces into our gas tanks every morning. Squeeze a few gallons and go to work. We have plaque on our teeth. What is plaque? Did God forget to put a layer of it? the earth's crust on us and give it to our teeth? We have eye crust. What are those things in the

corner of our eyes in the morning, those golden chunks, those chicken McNuggets? And the worst thing is you wake up, you got these delicious chicken McNuggets in the corner of your eyes, and you look over on your night table, and oh, there's no dipping sauce. Boo-hoo! That's a waste of a good snack, people. And weirdest of all, wax. Our ears, what was the creator thinking? Oh, if thou should get lost in the forest in the middle of the night with the wolves at your heels, thou can pick thine ears with thy little finger and make candles and see thine way. Wax.

We're like human pottery barns. Imagine lighting earwax candles in your house, people walking in. Ooh, what's that wonderful scent? Is that the inside of your head, I smell? Ooh, is that cinnacran inside your cranium? Lovely. We're complicated. But either way, I love you.

I love you so much. The fluids are coming now. Here come the waterworks. I'm tearing up, people. Keep on squirting, keep on oozing, keep on projectiling, keep on popping, keep on dripping. Here on the Harland Highway, honk, honk, hoot, toot, beep, beep. Yep, we're all humans in need of other humans.

And this is interesting. When I do my stand-up comedy show, when I do my live shows to packed rooms, I have a little segment I do about, like, dating and being single and stuff like that. And, you know, I kind of asked the crowd if there's any single people, then I asked the crowd if anybody's done the internet dating thing. And I got to tell you, ma'am, more and more and more. Like before it used to be really here and there, like someone would kind of meekly put their hand up,

they'd be like, yes, I did it. I did the internet dating. Don't hate me, ooh. But now it's like a lot of people. People everywhere I go around the country are doing the Internet date thing. It's really becoming very normal, and it seems like a lot of people are pairing up through that system. I wonder if any of you listening have done the old Internet date thing. I know I haven't.

I don't know if it worked too good for me. it's it's uh it would probably be problematic because uh you know i'm recognizable and who knows what kind of nuttiness i would attract or i could picture people getting on there and playing games and being goofy and you know but um it would be interesting to hear from people uh where they do it what service they use and uh if it was a good story I mean, don't leave anything too long, but if you've got a quick little story to tell or you want to share with us, you know,

where you met your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, what service was it? Was it Match.com? Was it Hulu? Was it Google? Was it, I think there's one out there called kettle of fish or something like that. I mean, I'm just going off of what the crowd tells me.

Um, e-harmony, um, you know, I don't know them all, but, uh, if you have a story and you want to share it, tell us if it went well, if it was a good experience, a bad experience, you know the number to call. It's one 888-52090. That's 888-52090, your internet dating experience. And speaking of experiences, Ho Nelly, if you're squeamish, if you don't like to be scared, if you get queasy, if you get frightened, things that go bump in the night, then don't listen this Friday.

This Friday is the annual Harland Highway Halloween podcast. And, oh, it's. You know, most people can't get through it. It's so horrifying. It's so scary. And I don't mean as a podcast, thank you for the sarcasm. Yeah, that's right, man.

It is horrible, just like all the rest of them. Thanks a lot. Wise up, wise guys. Why, I ought to give you one across the back of the head. No, but we're going to have some scary characters, some scary stories, and, you know, just an all-round fright fest. This Friday, it'll be October 28th to roll you into the weekend for Halloween. How about that?

And then on the other side of fear, there's laughter, there's happiness, there's merriment, and you can catch me live in Denver, Colorado, at the Comedy Works, November 4th and 5th. That's Friday and Saturday. Come on out, go online, get your tickets at the Comedy Works. It's a great club, love it out there. And come on out and get you a chuck-alone player. And then the weekend after that, here we go.

Columbus, Ohio, November 11, 12, and 13. So two great dates. And then, well, I'm at it. One of the final dates of the year will be a club I've never played. It's actually a state I've never done comedy in. I'll be in Portland, Oregon, the 17th, 18th, and 19th of November. So the fall's looking good. It's going to be funny, but that is, if you make it,

past the Harland Highway Halloween podcast. This Friday. And that's all we have for today's podcast, unfortunately. Like I said, leave us a message 888-52090, or you can write to harlomwilliams.com. Check out our merchandise store there. And don't forget, you can pick up the podcast at stitcher.com and get an app for your cellular device.

and you can listen to us on your cell phone. So that's it. Thanks for grooving along, everybody. Great to have you here, as always. And we will catch you next time. And until then, a nice big bowl of chicken chau me, baby. But one, I've had a few beers, and two... Please go away and leave me alone.