The Harland Highway - PODCAST 338

Episode Date: October 26, 2011

I am mad at my face, listener phone messages, flamingos, Senior Fuentes, students,tennis. Land ahoy garlic face!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a fabulous show, darling. Well, what do you mean a fabulous show? You haven't even heard it yet. I just know it's going to be fabulous no matter what, darling. Well, hey, you might be right. It is the Harlan Highway, and when isn't it fabulous? Well, let's not push it, darling. Okay.

Well, welcome, everybody. I am he, Harlan Williams, hosting the podcast called The Harlan Highway, and you are here and what a what a show we have today we're going to be talking about students yes are you a student well if you are we're going to be talking about you um how about your face has your face ever annoyed you wait till you hear about how my face has annoyed me as of late uh-huh um flamingos we're going to be talking about flamingos. Got to talk about flamingos. Are you kidding me?

And your messages, some of your phone messages will be rolling through some of those. Tennis? Tennis, anyone? There's an aspect of tennis that amazes me. We're going to get into that. And then, of course, Senor Fuentes is dropping by my gardener. Always bizarre when he comes around. But that's what we do here.

bizarreness on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate

One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien It's all for you This is Harland William I'm a human bee. God damn it!

Hey, hey, hey, people. This is Harland Williams, the Harlan Highway. Hey, any of you ever see any animals running across the road? You know, I hate to say it, but every now and then, people hit animals. And you know what? If I was an animal, I'd rather get hit by an escalade than get eaten from the butt end forward by 14 lions. Okay, nature is cruel, man. You watch the Discovery Channel.

Everything dies on that channel. I mean, everything just gets eaten alive, except for the lions. They just kind of lay down and die. But everything else, man, it's rough. Everything dies on the Discovery Channel. And you've got to figure, I saw a little half-hour show on Flamingos the other day. Flamingos. I mean, think of it.

Nature is tough enough to survive, let alone you're born pink. Okay? What do you do when you're pink? You're standing around on one leg. A giant rabid monkey flies out of the weeds and attacks you. How do you defend yourself when you're pink? It's like, hey, player, what's up? You want a piece of this?

Let's go, weed monkey. You want to throw it down Let's do this Let's do this right here Right now in the swamp Come on Bring it Got any friends

Bring it Let's do this I mean what do you do when you're a flamingo You're standing on one leg Something comes flying at you through the air You're on one leg You go to kick it Now you got no legs

You fall right on your pink flamingo face I mean what kind of chance do you have in nature when the king and queen of hearts in Alice of Wonderland were using you as a croquet mallet. The king and queen of hearts actually used flamingos. They'd hold them upside down and use them as croquet mallets. They'd smash their heads against the balls

and whack them through. What kind of chance do you have nature when you're pink and you're a croquet mallet for card people, for card royalty? I mean, a hummingbird could kick the crowd. out of a flamingo. Oh, listen, my flamingos. Do yourself a favor.

Go and get some camouflage or something. I mean, this is ridiculous. Go and redecorate the forest. Change things around. You're going to get it. Oh, well. And not to imply the flamingos are gay. They just are effeminate.

They're pink and they're a little feathery. But maybe there's some but Flamingos. Maybe there's some Bulldike flamingos. Maybe there's some weightlifter flamingos. Who knows? Anything can happen in nature and anything can happen here on the Harland Highway. Watch out for flamingo droppings as you drive along. Be safe and stay out of the weeds. It's Blake, Downing, from Dallas, Texas. I just wanted to call in and tell you how much I enjoyed the show. I podcast it every day, and I listen to it while I'm out at work,

pushing a fertilizer spreader across rich people's yards, and there I am laughing. And they're looking out the windows at me peeking and shit. And they're like, what the fuck is this guy laughing at? And it's you, buddy. Just wanted to call and tell you that I like the show. Take care. Wait, what are people saying? What the fuck did this guy laughing at?

Wow, and what is it again? Thank you, buddy. Wow, and what are you doing while you listen to the Harland Highway? Pushing a fertilizer spreader. Wow, now that's irony. You're spreading the bullshit while listening to me, spread the bullshit. That is harmony right there. Good for you.

Well, thanks for listening, buddy. Good luck, and I'm glad the people are peering out their window and think you're mad. Good job. Let's get to another call. Hey, Ireland. It's Rob Yolvington. I'm walking my dog right now, and I just listen to your podcast about doing voice impressions. Here's my impression of Louis Armstrong.

Hello, Dallas, this is Louis. Dolly, it's so nice to have you back where you belong. You're looking swell. Dolly, I can't tell. Dolly. That's it. See you. Okay, wow.

Thank you, Grover from Sesame Street. It was kind of there. I appreciate the effort. It was somewhere between Louis Armstrong and Grover. And all I can really think about the whole time you were singing is, what the hell is your dog thinking all right you're out walking your dog and you break into hello dolly oh hello dolly and your dog's going what the hell is this guy on man normally we just go for a walk it's quiet i take a piss we walk through the neighborhood

what the hell is even no mushrooms is he on crystal meth is he tweaking it's so nice to have you hang it around oh hello hey guy i'm trying to take a dump here knock off the grover oh hello dollies there you go think about your dog before you call the harland highway let's keep going let's get to more your funny messages pushing a fertilizer spreader. Hi, my name is Harlan William. Now, a few

shows ago, you had asked all of the listeners to share how they were in the old saccharooning. So, here I am sharing how I perform in bed. And again, it's

Harlan William. And I would just like to say, I'm awful at bed. I usually laugh. about, you know, 45 seconds on a good day, but I've had some duties before, the old eight-second moment of mayhem back in 97. Nah, that was a good one. Again, this Harlem, William. But I don't think that's something to be ashamed of.

Or I don't think you have to be ashamed either of the fact that after I'm through, I usually end the night by crying. and by looking at a picture of my mother, Harlan Williams. This is who this is. So, thank you for calling. I really enjoy your podcast. Thank you very much. I enjoy doing this podcast.

This is Arlen William. And I'll talk to you later, probably Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, because this is, Harlan William. Hello. Your attack can not be completed as dialed. Wow. I got to stop staying up all night and calling myself.

Oh. Oh, just nothing good ever comes out of it. Well, thanks for your calls, everybody. Good stuff. And if you want to call, you know the number 888-500-2090. and that's our Harland Highway phone message machine and maybe you'll hear yourself on here

one of these days on the old Harland Highway What the fuck is this guy laughing at? Well, I guess it's inevitable with the election in full swing I guess I should probably talk a little

politics Every politician is on TV. What? Oh, no. No. No. Come on. I'm in the middle.

What are you doing here? I'm in the middle of a podcast. What the hell are you doing here, Senor Fuentes? That's Senor Fuentes. I know who you are. You're my gardener. That's right, senor. I'm your one and only gardener.

Okay, look, I don't see a garden in here, do you? No, signor. So why are you here in my podcast studio? I have a confession to make, senor. Oh, no, what did you do this time? Well, signor, remember you told me to burn all the leaves in the backyard? Yes, I told you to burn all the leaves. They're all over the place.

Well, I raked them into a big hole. Yes. And I lit them on fire, signor. Okay. And I burned them all in the hole. All right, great. Whoopi-do. What's that got to do with me? Well, after a while, senor, there was all kinds of ashes in the hole. Okay. And they would not go out. All right. So I put up my rubber boots, signor. Yes. And I walked into your ash hole. Excuse me? I walked right into your ash hole with my rubber boots. boots and stomped up and down in your dirty ash hole. Would you not say it like that? What, your dirty

asshole? It's not an asshole. Well, it certainly was when I was jumping up and down in it, up and down, up and down. Oh, senor, even the neighbors were watching me jump around in your dirty asshole. Stop saying dirty ash hole. But what do you want me to say, senor? Look, did you put the fire out? No, senor, there's still some embers burning in your ashole. Stop, ow! Stop it! Why did you say ow, senor? I don't know. You said there was burning embers in my ash hole.

Oh, yeah, you're right, senor, that could hurt. Look, did you spray some water on the ash... On the... on the... on the thing. On the ash hole, senor? Yes, on the ash hole. No, signor, I could not get the hose to reach that far. Last thing I want to do is stick a hose up your asshole. Stop it!

Now, what did you do? Well, I told you, senor, I put some rubbers on and went right in your asshole. What do you mean, rubbers? My rubber boots, signor. Oh, God, you are making this sound. Look, signor, I have some more bad news. What? I jumped in your asshole with my rubber boots.

Yes. One of them melted and came off. Oh, God. So? So now one of my rubber boots is in your asshole. Get out of here! But, Signor, I need a new pair of rubbers so I can finish working in your asshole. Get out!

It's really hot. There's smoke pouring out of your asshole, Senor. Get out of here! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, we know you probably hit play to escape your business banking, not think about it. But what if we told you there was a way to skip over the pressures of banking? By matching with a TD Small Business Account Manager, you can get the proactive business banking advice and support. your business needs. Ready to press play? Get up to $2,700 when you open select small business banking products. Yep, that's $2,700 to turn up your business. Visit TD.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. Oh, God. Senor Fuentes. What a knob. What a goofball.

Well, listen, I got to give credit where credits do. Uh, somebody gave me the idea for the And let me read you the letter. This is a fan of the highway that wrote into Harlow Williams.com. And let me read you his email. Scott Williamson in Corpus Christi, Texas. And he goes, here's another Senor Fuentes idea. He goes, hey, spooky buddy, my new Disney movie. Thank you.

You've used one of my Senor Fuentes ideas before. podcast number 245. Now, I don't remember which one that was, but thank you. And I was hoping to pass on another one. I don't think you've used this yet, so here it is. Senor Fuentes proceeds to tell you he was burning some brush on your property, and to be safe, he dug a big hole and burned it there. And now you're stuck with a big stinky ash hole.

He has to be careful not to fall in your ash hole. One time he got too close and it was so stinky that he almost passed out And his hands are so dirty from digging in your ash hole Ha ha have fun Well, I certainly did have fun And great idea Thank you Scott And oh the old ash hole

Keep those ideas coming And in closing Scott added a joke I'm putting in brackets joke But here it is. This is Scott's, not mine. Here's a joke along the same lines. How do you catch a polar bear? You dig a big hole, and when it comes to look at it,

you sneak up behind him and kick him in the ice hole. Now, I don't know how that catches a polar bear. More like enrages a polar bear, and he eats you. And then Scott says, Thanks for the podcast and for all the laughs. I totally agree with the twisted seatbelt. How does it happen? Scott in Texas.

Well, yes, the twisted seatbelt was a bit I did a few podcasts back where I talked about how the seatbelt gets all twisted up and who knows how or why it happens. But it does. Thanks again to Scott Williamson in Corpus Christi, Texas. Spread the word. Tell your friends, your family, to get on the Harland Highway. Or I will kick you right in the ash hole.

Okay, thanks again. Keep those letters coming, harlewilums.com, or you can leave me a phone message, 888, 500, 2090. All right, where are you? Where are my students at? Huh? I know I have a lot of student listeners. That's the way I want it.

I want the educated sect to be tuning in to the Harland Highway. I want the brainiacs, the cerebellums pumping, sitting in the petri dishes, in the alien laboratories, pumping and throbbing, sending out information to the far reaches of the galaxy. But I'm a little upset, and I hope you students are upset, man. Okay, if you're watching the news, the president jumps on the tell. as they say in London. It's on the telly.

Look, mate, it's the president of the United States. He's on the telly. What's he doing on the telly? I don't know. I didn't put him in there. He's just darn it. Right, you want to go get some crumpets? Yeah, let's go get some crampets.

So the president's on the telly this week. And he's got this big announcement that there's an education problem here in America. Yeah, that's right. He goes on to say that 60% of all Americans cannot find Germany on a map of the world, 60%. And I say to the president, I say, hey, hey, hey, listen here. You listen here, Mr. Nixon. Who cares if 60% of all Americans don't know where Germany is, huh?

What about the other 85% that do know where it is? What about them? And why? Why should we care about the Germans after what they did to us back in Pearl Harbor there in 84? Why? Idiot.

He's the dumb one, not us. Jeez. Keep your brain pumping people. And speaking of pumping, okay, here's something that made me pumping mad. And it's been happening for the last few nights I know everyone in their bedroom

probably somewhere has an alarm clock, an alarm that goes off to wake them up early in the morning and violate their sleep, but you got to get up, right? So there's that annoying alarm clock, and you just want to throw it out the window, right? All right, well, imagine this, Transformers.

Imagine your alarm clock is attached to your face okay this is the torture I'm going through and I don't know if this has happened anyone else this is an abnormality man I'm still amazed this has happened but it's happened

let me set the scenario I go to bed okay I'm having a nice little snooze and I guess we're down in L.A. here we kind of get our summer believe it or not kind of in the October, September, October, early November is like our warmest, kind of nicest time. Our summers are actually a little damp and foggy from the ocean. So the air is dry, the air's hot, the air's dry, there's pollen in the air.

And I get reactions to the pollen sometimes, sometimes my nasal cavity. tightens up and gets swollen. So here's what happened. I'm fast asleep about three or four nights ago. And I wake up at like 3.30 in the morning, four in the morning. And I'm like, what the hell am I waking up for? What's that noise? And I keep hearing.

And I'm like, what the hell is that? whistling noise. And then I'd wake up and I'd start to go back to sleep. And I'd just be at that little place that, you know, you're just your last semblance of consciousness before you go into dreamland. Just before you go into sleep. And that was, and I'm like, what the hell?

And I prop myself up on my elbow. And I'm like, God, I'm all stuffy. And then I get it. I go, what the hell? My nose is whistling. As I'm falling asleep, or as I'm asleep, my stuffy nose is desperate for air. And with the swelling and the closing in and the dryness, I guess it's choking off the airflow through my nostrils.

and it's creating a whistling sensation. My bloody nose, not bloody, but my damn nose is whistling. No, not like that. I don't think I can get my nose to do that. No, my nose does not do bird calls. It's like an alarm clock. With every breath, it's like, And I'm waking up, and I'm like, oh, God, so I go blow my nose as hard as I can.

It still sounds stuffy. I blow it again. And I start to go back to sleep, and it's like my damn alarm clock nose. And to make matters worse, you ever do this when your nose gets stuffed up, right? And you have trouble getting air up the nose while you sleep. your mouth drops open your mouth drops open and then you're just breathing through your mouth

right but what happens then is that dry air is there your mouth is open and when you finally wake up your mouth is bone dry and your tongue it feels like someone dropped an old

dry piece of soap in your mouth or an old your tongue feels like a like shoe leather like someone dropped an old shoe in your mouth your your tongue looks like one of those apple tree dolls you ever see those apple dolls are all shriveled up and they put little eyes on them that's what your tongue looks like picture your tongue sitting on a rocking chair with little beady eyes i mean not my face is a mess so it's crazy it's like i'm well i'll roll in this position i'll roll in that i can't get away from my own face and i can't get back to sleep every time i i nod off my face alarms me warning

warning get up get up get up your tongue is drying out hurry tongue alarm tongue alarm tongue alarm good lord I have to sleep with a damp washcloth on my face or something like that. So I'm just trying to tell you the hell I'm going through with my face. My face is dragging me through hell and back. Thanks a lot, Face. You're welcome. Don't you talk back to me. Well, why not?

I'm your face. Ugh. So I hope you're not suffering a similar face. I mean fate. Oh, because it is a nightmare, man. Good old alarm clock face. I'm like a transformer. My faces turn into half face, half alarm clock, half leather shoe.

Good morning, Optimus Prime. Good morning. Wait, I'm Harlan. No, you're not, your Optimus Prime. Good Lord. So, hopefully this weather, uh, Clears up. Hopefully the California, Los Angeles snow blizzards are blowing over the hill soon, and I can get back to my own damn face. Optimus Price. Get out of here.

I'm watching tennis the other day, and I don't know about that game. Two guys running around after a ping pong ball that's got hair plugs. I just, I'm not sure I get it, but if I ever need some flies swatted in my outhouse, bring them on. Get me Andre Agassie. Ace. Federer, gets three. But more importantly, what really grabbed my attention with that game is the guy that sits right in the middle of the court, by the net, and he's way up there sitting in his little Bermuda shorts,

way, way up in like Yogi Bears' Forest Fire Park Ranger Tower. I think he's a judge, and the power this judge has is over thousands of people collected in the stadium, and as they get a little too chatty, a little too heckley, a little too boisterous, Mr. Judge chimes in, and with a big old, quiet plays quiet plays like a miracle everyone shuts up

I mean it is so quiet you can hear two crickets having an orgy with a Burmese walnut beetle I mean it's ridiculous this guy has some power

wouldn't you love to have him on a date when you're at a movie and the people behind you start chatting ruining the movie for you just pull the job judge guy up and he turns and looks at him and just says, quiet plays, right? Are your kids crying at night, going to sleep up in the crib?

You're down by your fireplace with your golden retriever and your leather slippers trying to read the latest Nancy Drew mystery. And all you can hear is, wha! All of a sudden, the tennis judge guy slides out from under. the crib. Quiet place. Quiet place. Man, you want to see that kid shut up and fill a diaper in record time. Hello. I don't know that they get the name judge. That's a big term, isn't it? That's a big label. A judge. I mean, imagine going to court and that's your judge. Traffic violation,

assault with a deadly weapon, murder. But your honor, quiet. please but my client is quiet please but he wasn't even that quiet please can i see you in the chick quiet please anyways i've probably gone on too long about it so this is harland williams on the harland highway quiet please jackass hey what was that last part that he never says jet quiet please why did i get a jackass of quiet please oh and i guess i have done no choice i have to be quiet because it is the end of the show oh so sad so very sad boys and girls quiet please all right enough for that i can't take any more of that um yes yes yes yes yes where are we all right announcements don't forget everybody to huddle around your podcast because our next podcast

Highway, Halloween special. Oh, it's going to be scary. Scary, scary, scary. Dr. Ascot is going to be there. And I've got some poems I'm going to read you that I wrote, some scary poems, and I won't give it all away. But this Friday is our Halloween special. So make sure you are ready for it.

Put your straight jacket on and cover yourself in mayonnaise. And it's going to be a lot of fun. And don't forget, I'm going to be in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. Next weekend, that'll be November 4th and 5th. And then the following weekend, I will be at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Two great clubs. Columbus, Ohio, that'll be Friday. November 11th, the 12th, and the 13th.

It's a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, combo pack. Get your tickets. These clubs always do well for me, and they tend to sell out. So I want to make sure you get there before everybody else. And we'll see you there. And that's it. Don't forget 888-52090 for your phone calls, Harlow Williams.com for your emails.

And don't forget to check out the web store at Harlan Williams.com. Stitcher.com. You can get the highway on your cell phone. And that's it. Thanks again for your letters and your support. Tell your friends to get on the highway because... It's you, buddy. Yeah, that's right.

And until next time, everybody, chicken. Show me, baby! What the fuck is this guy laughing at?