The Harland Highway - PODCAST 340

Episode Date: October 31, 2011

Lost in the corn, warewolfs, Yoda upgrade, romantic letters, American freedom and the Wall Street occupiers. Blasts of minty mongo meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy Halloween, everybody. Yes, indeed. Today is the official day. We did our official Halloween special show last Friday because, you know, we wanted to roll you into the weekend with that holiday spirit. But tonight is the night. Have fun. Be safe.

And, you know, it's going to be fun. But so is this podcast. We got a lot to talk about today. um, werewolves. Yeah, we're going to touch on a little bit of scariness. We're going to be talking about werewolves and maybe someone even scarier, Yoda. I don't know

who's scarier. Yoda or werewolves. They both freak me out. We're going to be talking about the United States of America. We're talking about the ineptitude of parts of it. We're going to be talking about the restrictiveness of part of it.

There's a story. about some people that were lost in some corn. And I'm going to be talking about the Wall Street occupiers and a guy smoking a cigarette on TV. A lot of interesting conversation today. And on the lighter side, well, Samuel E. Quoak is coming in to read some of his romantic letters today. Never really like that.

It scares me more than Halloween. But you're going to have fun right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. human being. God damn it. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Bebeep, beep, beep. Check out my Star Wars noises, people. Firing a shot at Chewbacca's hairy ass. Has he got a hairy ass or what? Chewbacca, I mean, imagine that guy in a speedo on the beach, all the hair coming out from

the edges. Yeah, get a Brazilian there, buddy. Get a trim. Although he doesn't bug me as much as Yoda. Okay, what is with that little freaky green chunk of relish? I mean, are we done with Yoda? Remember when we first saw him? He was living in a swamp, eating mushrooms, and toad's asses and stuff?

I was like, okay, cool. And then in all the later movies, Yoda moves to the big, high-tech city where people are floating around and they got horns and they're like opening cans of beans with their nostrils. And yet there's Yoda, still wearing the old onion sack.

Still walking around with the cane. How about get over to the gap, Yoda, and get a little outfit, buddy? How about United Colors of Beneton? I'm sure they got something in green. Let's lose the onion sack. And maybe drop the piece of driftwood and pick up an eye paw.

or a cell phone, buddy. How about a Blackberry? You got those there in Star Wars World? And man, do you think you can get a manicure? Those nails. Check out Yoda's nails. And maybe, just maybe. How about some hair plugs, buddy?

Huh? You got those like nine little strands whispering off the top of your little bald green head? I'm sure you're making some money over there at the Federation. And most of all, dude, But can you learn to speak forwards? Okay? It's like you can levitate spaceships with your brain.

You can float if you put your mind to it, but you can't speak forward? Can't speak forward? I can't. Oh, my God. Imagine going to see the movie The Shining with this guy. Everyone's there. Red Rob, Red Rob. What's Red Rob mean?

Oh, my God. God, I'm so scared, and Yoda, of course, he gets it immediately. Murder it is. No, it says Red Rob. Murder. Oh, thanks for wrecking the movie, you little Shrekaholic. I think I know why Yoda's single. I just figured out why Yoda's single.

He gets to the altar, and the priest is like, do you, Yoda, take this other chunk of relish to be your lawful wedded wife? And Yoda's there and he can't speak forward and he goes, Hmm, do I? He can't say I do. He's destined to be single and he probably deserves it. Get some hair plugs. Get your nails fixed.

Get an outfit, Yoda. And go jump in a jar of relish. I know, that's kind of mean, but that's the way I feel. It's all about getting our feelings out people here on the Harland Highway. Must get my nose. Who's picked, I must? I mean, can you imagine if that guy was like a historical figure? Like, imagine how confusing it would be if he was the first guy on the moon, Yoda.

He's like, mm, step mankind must small for must step kind. Right, or he's like, John F. Kennedy, you know, that famous, Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country. Imagine Yoda? Not ask country what do you do for the country you must, cannot must do for the country you mustn't. What? What's he saying? What? I don't know, man. Just doesn't work. So anyhow, and speaking of not working, how about some people's brains?

Okay, you want to hear a ridiculous story? Oh, my God. So I'm sure you've all heard of those corn mazes where farmers cut mazes into their corn. I guess maybe the crossword puzzle in the weekend paper isn't enough for them. So you know what? I'm sick of doing these crossword puzzles. I'm going to get the tractor, Martha, and I'm going to cut a mind teaser into my crop. Now, I know it'll probably churn up 50% of our cash crop, but by golly, I need a brain teaser.

So these guys go out and they cut these elaborate mazes into their crops. It's kind of bizarre, you know? But even more bizarre as people stop, and they're like, well, I'm in the mood for a maze. Not just any maze. I need a maze cut in fresh produce. Me and my family are really in the mood to wander through a corn maze. So there they go. They pull over some family, and they decide to go out into the maze.

So it's a husband, a wife, and their little six-week-old baby, because, you know, if you got a brand-new baby, why not go into a place where you can potentially get lost? So these idiots wander into the corn maze, and guess what? They got lost. Now, if you got lost in a corn maze and it's beside the highway, wouldn't you just stop and listen and go, Well, let's see.

We entered the corn maze by the highway where the cars are going by. So we know the entrance is by where the cars are going by. And since we can't seem to get out of the maze, why do we just walk through the corn till we get to the highway and we'll be out of the corn maze? But these idiots got lost in there. They panicked as if they were lost at sea. and they called 9-1-1.

They called the police to come and get them out of the corn. It was unbelievable. Listen to this. Hi, I just called. I'm still stuck at calling his bombs. I don't see anybody. I'm really scared. It's really dark, and we got a three-week-old baby with us.

Relax, calm down. Your husband's with you, right? Yes, but my baby. Okay. I understand, and the police officer is on the way. We thought this would be fun instead. It's a nightmare. I don't know what made us do.

this it was daytime when we came in and i never take my daughter up this is the first time never again thank you guys so much are you kidding me they're lost in the corn and they call the cops and if it wasn't enough to hear the cars how about it was nighttime hey honey how do we get out of here i don't know follow the lights out on the road uh unbelievable and then uh you know And then the other line, she goes, like, I've never brought my baby outside before. I mean, I can't believe it. I'm never bringing my baby outside again.

I'm going to lock it in the basement. What is wrong? Can you imagine if these people actually got lost in the woods or out of sea? They don't have the faculties to deal with being 22 yards off the side of a road in corn? These are the people you just wish children of the corn were real And they just ate them alive At last we have two adults and a three-week-old baby

Let's eat them Roll them in butter And maybe let's pop the baby like a corn kernel Children of the corn. Good Lord, man I mean what's next man Well, yeah, hello, officer, yeah, I'm in the mall. Yeah, I'm in the mall, and I'm down by Sears,

but I wanted to get to the food court, but the mall's so big, I can't figure out how to get to the food court. Can you help me? Hello, please help me. People like that should be fined. Not fine for getting lost, fine for being idiots. Good Lord. I don't know if Orville Redenbocker does, you know, hits, if he does, like, hits for hire.

But I'm tempted to hire Orville Redenbocker to go out and hunt these people down. Pretty sad. Pretty sad. I'm just going to go put some jiffy pop on my head and stick my head in the oven. Well, I guess, as you know, this really is Halloween today. We did our special on Friday, but this is actually Halloween. So I guess we should talk about a few scary things today, you know, a little bit. And as the sun starts to sink behind the horizon line,

and the mysterious creatures of the night prepare to embark on another evening of mischief. I wonder if it's a full moon tonight. I like full moons. Remind me of werewolves. What happened to the old-fashioned werewolf? Remember the old werewolves from the black and white days? When the full moon came up, they were like tortured, and they'd roll around, and they'd be like grunting.

Oh, guard! Ah! And they'd still have their shirt on. Their shirt would be, like, ripped open. it would be like undone down to their belly button. They weren't so much werewolves as much as they looked like Armenian guys at a disco.

But nonetheless, it was just the grunting and the growling. And now with the modern werewolf movies, what is it? They take forever to transform. And the noises they make. Sounds like someone's making a mayonnaise sandwich. It's just like... I mean, what is that?

Sounds like a fat guy slipped at a car wash, and he's rolling around on the ground, and he can't get up. It sounds like Rosie O'Donnell just got out of the shower, and she can't find a dry towel. So be careful, driving home tonight. Be sure to hit the brakes if a hairy, erect creature runs across the road. And I'm not talking about Robin Williams with a boner. I'm talking about werewolves, people.

They're out there. You're out there. Ah! Well, okay. Yeah. Okay, I just... Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I just got handed a memo from my producer, Roger.

And I guess they're saying knock off the Halloween stuff. You know, we did the Halloween special last week. And it was a little creepy and people were complaining that it was too scary and too graphic. And so we want some counter programming here. What does this say? Oh, no, you don't. He's here? Oh, I'm telling you this guy is not.

We got this guy, Samuel E. Quowke, who comes in from time to time, and he reads, I guess he's a romance writer or a romantic or something. He writes poetry. He writes, I don't even know what you'd call it. So you want this guy to come in? Great. Roger's nodding, yes. Yeah, I see you pointing upstairs. I know it came from upper management.

So we got to have this guy in to read one of his fluffy love stories, but I'm going to tell you right here. I'm going to tell you right now that I bet this stuff's worse than anything we did on the Halloween show. He may have everyone else fooled, but I find his quote-unquote romantic letters quite disturbing. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So let's get them in here. Hello, Samuel E. Quowke. Hello. Oh, you don't have me fooled. May I read my letter, please? Oh, yeah, you can read your letter.

I know what's coming. Do you mind? Please, may I read my romantic letter? Yes, go ahead, read it. Please don't be snappy with me. I'm not being snappy, just your letters always de-evolve into this bloodshed and mayhem. I beg your pardon. Just read your letter.

Thank you. My dearest Christina, I'll never forget how beautiful you look standing. there in the summer breeze, the flies skirting around your head, your golden curls dancing on your shoulder as you jumped up and down, clapping, cheering as the barn raising went on. All the men from the village gathered around, helping to put up a barn for one of the neighbors, and you standing cheerleading in the shadow of the great Timmy, that were erected in a once empty field. And as the ceiling went on as they raised the beams

to put the roof on the barn, I'll never forget how the chain slipped and one of the beams slid off the roof and pile-drived right into your face. Your cranium was knocked backwards, your lower jawbone dislocated. One of your eye sockets shattered your eye dangling on your. you'll crush cheekbone.

Hello! Excuse me. Hello, that's exactly what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, I'm reading a letter. No, you're not. You're being, it's like you start off all fluffy and nice, and then it's like a horror movie. Do you mind?

May I continue? Clean it up, guy. Thank you. I'll never think. forget how you stumbled to your feet, you're disoriented and wobbling around. You walk straight towards the barn where one of the hanging ropes were being used as a pulley and your sweet little ankle got wrapped in the rope and tangled and snared and as one of the barn beams dropped on the other side, it pulled you up into the air,

hanging upside down, your leg ripping from its socket, dangling like a skunk caught in a trap I'll never forget as one of the towns boys threw a rock and it hit you in the chest your abdomen bruising and pulsing with blood okay guy do you mind I'm reading a romantic letter yeah she got crushed by a beam

she's hanging upside down gosh what's next huh what does an eagle fly into her throat Have you been reading my letters? What are you talking about? Excuse me! As you hang dungling, dangling from the sky, swinging back and forth,

a giant eagle swooped down and smashed into your thorax, ripping a hole in your throat. You tried to scream, but your windpipe had been cut open like a cheap cuckoo-cloc hole. And, come on! Do you mind I'm reading a romantic letter? Hurry up and finish, you're sick!

Thank you. They cut the rope and you came crashing to the ground, your spine bending in half in seven different places. You stood up and walked quite like an accordion, but that didn't stop me from seeing the beauty. I grabbed your crushed hand, and we walked away from the barn raising. We wandered through the field to get away from the noise and the confusion, and all of a sudden you accidentally stepped in an old well that had not been covered up.

You fell your head bouncing off the bricks in the well. One side, two sides, three sides. I could hear your skull crack. All right, enough. Do you mind if I finish? No, you're done. Disgusting crap, dude. I'm not a dude.

I read romantic letters. My name is Samuel E. Quowke. Yeah, well, you're done, Quowk. I dropped a giant meat hook down the well and fished around. I felt something heavy and I pulled and I hooked you right in the anus. I remember you screaming as I pulled you up slowly, painfully. Get out of here! You hooked her in the anus.

I'm just telling you what happened. Get out. Enough. No more romantic letters. guy you squiggled on the end of a line like a tuna being pulled out of the Caspian Sea I got you back up to the surface and a giant meteorite fell from the sky and blew a hole through your abdomen get out wow not very romantic at all um but you know what used to be romanticized and is not romanticized anymore is smoking.

And I want to talk about an incident that happened last week. And this gentleman, Herman Kane, who's running for president of the United States of America, by the way, put out an ad for his campaign, and it was his campaign manager. And, you know, he was talking about how he was talking about how he was. great harmonism, blah, blah, blah, and he's kind of a regular-looking guy. And at the end of his little blurb, he put a cigarette to his lips and blew out a puff of smoke into the camera. Okay? And this thing went viral, and it went all over every news channel, and the big uproar is that, can you believe it?

Can you believe this guy was smoking? Can you believe he blew smoke into the camera? I mean, unbelievable. So this ad got airplay and, you know, top story billing on every news outlet in the United States. And I sat there looking at it and I'm going, what the hell is going on with the United States of America? When something as normal as smoking, and believe me, I hate smoking. I think it's the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. do. I've never smoked. I think people that smoke, I hate to say it because I know some smokers

are listening, but I think you're idiots. And I don't mean on an intellectual level. I just mean you're an idiot for doing that to your body. It just makes no sense. Putting smoke into your system. It's just, it's ridiculous. But that's another story. But that being said, The fact that something as common and simple as smoking was considered so out of place and such an aberration and so horrific that it warranted being a top news story just made me start thinking about the United States of America and the free United States of America. I mean, it's a stupid practice smoking, but, you know, I started thinking about this the other day. Now no one's allowed to smoke anywhere. First, it started, like, you know, inside, which I get. But then it moved to, like, outside.

And I was at a sushi restaurant the other day, okay? And this is a true story. It was nighttime. I was waiting for my friends to arrive. I was out in the parking lot. A guy was sitting in the outside portion of the restaurant. He was blind, okay? He got up with his little white stick,

walked out of the dining, outside dining area, was standing in the parking lot where cars pull up, okay? A parking lot. The hostess from the restaurant, who was standing inside, saw the guy, ran out and told him he couldn't smoke. He wasn't allowed to smoke there. And then she left, and he didn't know what to do.

He was blind, so he didn't know where to go. And then about 30 seconds later, one of the managers of the restaurant came running out. She's like, oh, so you can smoke here. She grabbed his arm and led him out to the sidewalk. and I don't know if there's an ordinance where you can't smoke within 20 or 30 feet of a building or whatever, but I'm like, good Lord, he's outside, he's in a parking lot. You know, as far as second-end smoke goes, there would have to be some kind of freak anomaly in nature

where some kind of turbine tornado cloud swirled up his second-hand smoke, bundled it into a cloud, blew directly in another human being while they were yawning and got rammed down their throat. Okay, when you're standing in a parking lot outside of any structure,

the smoke pretty much dissipates up into the sky. And by the way, there was no one else standing around this guy except me, and I was a good, you know, eight, ten feet away from them. And I'll say it again. I hate smoking. I think it's stupid, but I started going, good Lord. How much has the United States of America started to micromanage everything?

How crazy is it that a guy smoking a cigarette in a commercial is so mind-numbing and shocking. and appalling to modern-day America. You know, there was a time when cigarette commercials were all over TV. There was a time when cigarette billboards were everywhere, and everything was cigarettes. Look, I'm glad they're gone. But aren't we overreacting a little bit?

Aren't we stepping on everyone's freedoms a little bit more than we need to in this land of the free. I don't know how many of you are property owners, but do you know that, you know, you need permits to put up little fences and little walls in your own garden? Do you know you need a permit for this, a permit for that to do stuff on your own property?

You got to have a license to do this and you've got to have paperwork to do that. You got to register your car. you can't tint your windows in your vehicle. I mean, there's just so many little micromanaged things here. And you start wondering, man, we're under this illusion where the United States of America, the land of the free, where you can do whatever you want, you can be whatever you want, as long as we approve it and you've got the paperwork and the permit to get away with it.

You know, you start to get that feeling that they're closing in on us, man. And I get it. There needs to be rules. There needs to be structure. There needs to be organization. But it just feels like every time you turn on the news, somebody is trying to tighten the noose on something. And as much as I don't really like the Wall Street protesters,

okay I don't really think they have a clear message and I hate to say it but judging from the crowds that I've seen on news footage it looks like it's a lot of you know a lot of kind of

near-do-wells and a lot of people that maybe don't have a direction in life to begin with you know the scruffy guys with the scarves and the bandanas and the hippie t-shirts, and I've seen, you know, footage of people smoking pot

and, you know, playing their guitars and their drums and, you know, a lot of the people they interview seem to be a little bit kooky. You know, it seems like that whole outcast crew of kind of the vegan, like, hippie mindset. They missed the boat on the 70s,

and they're sitting around waiting for it, and now there's this common, cause and all these kind of people are coming out of the woodwork and I don't want to paint a picture of all of them. I mean, I'm sure there's intellectuals and educators, there's all kinds of people in the mix, but

I'm just saying a lot of them seem to be those kind of fringe element that maybe don't really you know, have a slot in society where they can be pegged in and maybe that's a good thing. You know, I don't want to be judgmental.

Maybe that's good, but it feels like they don't really have an organization of what they're doing but here's what I'm getting at I think what's interesting about the movement is that maybe underneath it all and this is the part I like is that maybe these guys are shaking things up and and whether they know it or not this is my interpretation of it is they're going you know what everything's getting a bit too micromanaged everything's getting a bit too organized everything's getting a bit too organized Everything's getting a bit, you know, let's go to the mall, let's get married, let's put our kid through school, let's get our 401K, let's get our retirement plan, because that's the way the government's organized it all, that's the way society's steering us, let's get our, let's refire, refinance our mortgage and let's, you know, do this, do that. You know, it feels like society's getting about.

out as predictable as the uh the malls we go to you know you go to a mall now you can go to a mall on the east coast and it's the cheesecake factory and j crew and abacrumbi fitch the uh amc movie theater you know macy's umba juice the frozen yogurt place panda express and then you go to any mall in any state across the country and you get the exact same thing and it's this kind of delusional comfort world

that we're all getting accustomed to and I feel like if you can take the state of the government and the financial district and the business district maybe that's getting all homogenized as well and maybe we need a bunch of fringe

elements and Neraduels and people that are just free-spirited or fed up or whatever to uh ruffle up the system so i can't say i like the way they're doing it you know taking over city streets and and and uh causing shop owners to lose business and and and uh you know but but maybe there's a method to the madness maybe there's a need for it

to shake up the system. I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there. But, you know, I think this all stems from that. Just seeing that guy get sandblasted for smoking a cigarette. So if nothing else, it's generating an interesting debate. It's whipping up a lot of questions. And, you know, let's see where it goes, man.

This is the land of the free. And I guess if nothing else, them all out there protesting is a reflection of that. But even that is very organized. You know, you're allowed to protest here, and you have a permit to have peaceful demonstration, but you're only allowed to do it between 4th Street and 7th Street, and you can do it in this park, but you can't do it between these hours, and you can't sleep overnight. And, you know.

I don't know. I don't know how free we really are in this world where the minute we're born, we're given a social security number, and our lives are kind of mapped out. It's interesting. It's interesting conversation, and these are just my opinions, of course. So take them or leave them. Maybe you find something in them.

Maybe you think I'm just full of poppycock, and I'm a near-do-well. Fair enough. I always let you decide here on the Harland Highway. If you have any comments or criticisms or praise, or you just want to, you know, call up and make bubble noises, I'm at 888, 52090, and you can always write me at Harlandwilliams.com. And holy smokes. Boy, did I get a little long-winded there? We went from a romantic barn-raising to a conversation spawned by a middle-aged man blowing smoke into your TV cameras.

But nonetheless, that's what we do here. We flip over all the stones because most of you are stoned. Now, let's get to some announcements. speaking of keeping things organized. I want you to get your permits. I want you to get your paperwork and your permits together and head out to the Comedy Works in Denver. That'll be November 4th and 5th, two shows each night.

And then the following weekend, that will be in Columbus, Ohio. And that will be Friday, Saturday, Sunday the 11th through the 13th, and then the following week, my first gig ever in Portland, Oregon, the 17th to the 19th. So check it out, and tonight is officially Halloween, or today is officially Halloween. Be safe out there, have fun. Exercise your freedoms and run through the streets like madmen dressed as skeletons and turtles. and pirates, and whoop it up, baby.

And until we talk next time, a big free bowl of chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Hi, honey. Good day? Well, not exactly. Old faithful broke down again. Oh, that washing machine. Well,

I guess we'll just have to get you a new one. Now I know why I've married you. I don't know why I bought these cigarettes, though. Huh? They taste dull. Say, I picked these up today. Cool? Uh-huh. Try one.

All right. Come up to the cool taste. Taste extra coolness every time you smoke. Like them? Mm-hmm. Me too. We'll stop and get a carton. Come up to the cool taste.

Try cool filter kings, white filter, rich tobaccos, and the taste of extra coolness. That's cool. Thank you.