The Harland Highway - PODCAST 342

Episode Date: November 4, 2011

What's with Greece? Being scared, fake boobies, a cal from Christopher Walken, the fall of the system, mac and cheese. Super puffed wonder duffs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here we go round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush. Here we go around the mulberry bush early in the morning. All right, real stupid way to start a podcast, but then, isn't it always? Um, hey folks, it's me, Harlem Williams. You are riding down the Harlan Highway. Great to have you here. Lots to cover today. It's a mixed bag today of, like, goofy, funny,

stuff and you know more introspective analysis and the kind of serious stuff because i had a pickle in my face about a couple of items and i have to i had to vent a little and i'm going to vent oh i'm going to vent i'm going to vent today but we have other stuff okay we're going to be talking about being scared if you ever been scared we're going to be talking about the system The system here in the United States. Christopher Walkins calling in to say hello. Me and him are going to be talking about mac and cheese. Fake boobs.

We're going to be talking about fake boobs. You've got to love that. And then Greece, what the hell? How is it that Greece is controlling the economy? We're going to get into that. It's going to get good and greasy. Right here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it.

Hong Kong, two, two, beep, beep, beep. Hey, wow, I'm just doing some throat exercises there. Because we're getting ready to do a nice show here. And if I'm talking like this, you're not going to like it. But if I'm talking like this, old sexy pipes here. Oh, you're going to just, what are you going to do? you'll probably sit in your car and stare out at the sunset and dream I'm there holding your hand the box of chocolates and a pirate's hat on arg um how are you doing today i hope you're having fun

i gotta talk to you ladies about something um the fake breasts ladies the augmentation you know i know why you're doing it you're doing it to attract the man you want to look sexier you want to look healthier you want to look hotter and I'm not saying that you don't because yeah

they work but here's the problem you're getting them filled with silicone okay now if you really want them to work if you really want to attract the men ladies get your breasts filled with Heineken

okay put some nice Nice heinie in your boobies. Or, you know, some Guinness. Maybe even have them put on a couple of nipple taps. You know? It'd be like getting your nipples pierce, but instead of little steel rods,

you can get little mini beer taps. I mean, ladies, you'll get any guy you want after that. You'll put hooters out of business. Heineken-filled breasts. You can take them to a picnic, you can smuggle them into a concert, you can get them on an airplane, free booze. Although, please be careful if you're nursing a child. That could be a problem. Because you know what happens, babies get drunk, they get rowdy, they get behind the wheel of an automobile, next thing you know, they're flipping minivans through the drive-thru at RV.

Oh, ladies, we love you. Keep doing what you're doing, but keep on thinking of ways to bring us closer to you. Pop, pop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is. Boos-filled boobs. I think it's a genius idea. But here's something that on the other side of genius is borderline dumb and baffling. me okay and and keep in mind i'm not an economist i'm not a cpa i'm not a uh a financial whiz but can someone explain to me why greece is destroying the world can someone explain to me why greece is tumbling the world economy i'm a little baffled and i know there's people out there uh you know who are who are who are of the mindset of knowing economics. And they're probably like, well, Harlan, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

But I'm sitting here as a layperson, as a layman, as a laywoman, and I don't understand it. Here we have this little country that's famous for, you know, Tatsiki and Baclava, and, little curly shoes and guys, you know, sitting around with their worry beads fishing for squid and people smashing plates on the floor and dancing around them. Okay? And it's his little tiny, tiny country way over there on the Mediterranean.

You know, not a economic powerhouse by any means. I think they export calamari. mandolin music, and yet somehow this little tiny country that can't seem to manage their bank book is like a dead weight wrapped around the ankle of the United States of America and dragging us to the bottom of the sea and we're drowning. I mean, every time I turn on the news, it's like, well, the stock market plummeted today on worries that Greece's economy was sliding deeper and deeper into something, you know, and I'm like, who cares?

What are they selling in Greece, weaved baskets and, you know, pickled fish? What's going on? This is the United States of America. Superpower. We invented the Internet and nuclear. bombs and the telephone and electricity and automobiles and airplanes. Hey, Greece, how's that Calamari coming? What?

You're not doing so well? Uh-oh, well, looks like you're pulling down the superpower of the world into the basement. What is happening? And again, like I said, I'm not, you know, I'm not versed on world economics, but what the hell? What's next? Prermuda? I got some bad news, everybody. Bermuda had a bad year, and, well, looks like United States of America,

going to have to shut down for just a little bit. You see, Bermuda was selling sponges and sandalers down on the beaches to all the tourists, and, well, had a bit of bad weather. Tourists didn't show up this year, and, well, Bermuda's not doing so well. So good night, United States of America. I'm just mystified. And it's not just the United States You know, Greece goes down

Germany goes down The UK goes down Russia goes down What It's almost like we're a boat The whole world's a boat And somehow the cork Is Greece

And some You know Some guy in little curly slippers And a little hat And ruffled sleeves Was jigging on down the road with some smoked herring on his back and a bucket of calumari, some Tatsiki sauce. Mandolin music playing, he's jigging on down the road.

Ooh, what is this in the middle of the road? This looks like a cork. Oh my, the whole world is sinking. I shouldn't have pulled the cork. Oh, God, it drives me nuts. I can see if China went under, or the USSR, Russia. The UK, maybe. Again, a small island with people with bad teeth.

Excuse me, father. Uh, I think I made a boo-bo. What you got, son? What you got? Uh, looks like I pulled a cork out the ground, father. Oh, Christ, we're all going to die. Call the United States, tell them it's all over. Okay.

daddy um so i don't know and if it is greece that somehow we're so intricately linked with greece and our fate rides on greece up yours greece get your act together man i'll tell you what i'll tell you what get your act together dragged down by grease even the word greet who names their country Greece isn't grease

isn't grease something we try to avoid is it oh Christ look at that stove it's just covered with grease like I couldn't I couldn't make out with her her hair was so greasy look at his greasy face all oily and pimply like

I mean what who names their country Greece. Good Lord. So anyways, that's my Greece rant, and us regular folks are just mystified. Get it together, Greece, and stop screwing up our finances. Harvest some extra Tatsiki or bring some more shrimp and calumari up from the bottom of the sea. Get it together.

There, a school degree. for all of you. You're welcome. Holland. Are you there? How in my boy? Christopher Walken calling. I'm just making myself some macaroni and cheese. It's good. I like it.

I don't know if you've had it. I don't go for this stuff in a box. Wow. I mean, doesn't get much better. better than this. You can add tuna or chicken, maybe some ground beef. Spam! Spam is good. You cube it, it diced it. You put it in their mac and cheese and bam zoom! Got something special, Harlan. Something special. You don't want to add that skim milk though. Skim milk is not going to make you the cheesiest macaroni and cheese that you could possibly have.

You want whole milk. Cream is too heavy. Whole milk good. Two percent. It's just that. It's two percent of nothing. Whole milk, my man. Whole milk.

And spam. That would be my preference. Again, little garlic. A little onion. If I had anybody. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent to screen.

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Anybody here ever seen a ghost? Aren't they invisible? How could you see a ghost? Hey, look, a ghost, where? No, that's my buddy Ed. Oh, I guess he just needs to hit a tanning booth or something. And what is it with us humans when we get scared? Even the most refined people lose it.

Scholars, academics, speech therapy. people with the greys. We lose it. We become stutterers. What is that? When we see a ghost. It's like, a ghost, a ghost. Why do we stutter when we see a ghost?

Or you're at the beach. Here comes Jaws trucking through the surf. You jump up and point. Shish, shish, shish, shish, shish, shish, shark. What's that, man? Why can't we get it out? I mean, is that the reaction you're going to have if Charles Manson's coming at you? He's scary, right?

He runs up on you with a machete. And you're like, Chi, Ch, Chich, Chich, Chach, Charlie! Jeffrey Dahmer shows up, hasn't eaten in a few days. He wants himself some legs. Not chicken legs. Human legs. Hmm?

Jeffrey Dahmer runs up with his little. Red Lobster Bib around his neck. J-C-C-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-Fri. Come on, people. Get it together. Next time you see a ghost, just go, ghost. Next time you see a shark, just go, shark. Next time you see Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer, just go,

oh crap i'm dead and if you see someone on their cell phone at chipotle say get off your damn phone jackass yeah here's a little story and this is can you hear the irritation of my voice do me a favor everybody when you're ordering food or you're in a lineup that affects a bunch of people get off your damn phone check it out You've all been to Chipotle or Chipotle or Chapatla, or however you say it. I don't speak of the Spanish man. This is how Chipotle works. Real simple premise, in and out quickly.

What you do is you walk up. There's a friendly person behind the counter. What do you have? A taco, a burrito, a salad. Boom, boom, boom. They slap it down. And they start your order. and then it goes through an assembly line where you go do you want beans do you want lettuce

to want guacamole do you want cream cheese do you want do you want salsa do you want uh you know whatever there's just like 20 different uh things they put on your uh your your food you get to kind of uh create as you go right so first of all you walk up and they go what will you have and you say well i want a burrito or i want a taco or i want to a burrito bowl or a salad, right? So I'm in there the other day, and there's a young guy and a young girl, you know, the dude's wearing the hat backwards and got a tattoo, of course, and he's got the half cut off shorts, and there's his chick, you know,

looking just as I hate to say it, but white trashy as he is. Listen to me, man, but I'm pissed. I got to stop this And I'm just telling you what I saw Right And they're standing there And everyone's going through the line And this chick walks up with her boyfriend

She's first, he's behind him And then me And the lady's like Hello, what can I get you? And the chick's on her phone talking And instead of breaking away from the phone call She just stays on the phone call And I say, excuse me, ma'am, what can I get you?

And the lady's being pleasant to say the least. Right away, she sees what's going on. She's in her head, you can just tell. She's going, are you serious? I work at Chipotle. Okay, I'm here slinging beans and salsa. And you're going to slow down the line lady. So instead of getting off her phone, this inbreed just starts like pointing at stuff.

And so now that suddenly the lady behind the counter is on a quid show. She's got a guess what, what, burrito? What? No, fajita? No, what? Taco? What salad? And then finally, the chick just nods her head because she's on a very important phone call, you know.

And you're just like, good Lord, chick. Get over yourself. Go stand outside and do your phone call, you knob. and it wasn't just me there was like you know how Chipotle works there's like a line up behind me there's like 12 people behind me

everyone's trying to get through there we came to Chipotle because it's fast you get your stuff you get out right so then this knob moves from making her order and now she goes down to the accruement line or whatever it's called where all the

fixings are the shredded cheese and the sour cream and the salsa, you know, all that stuff, right? Same deal. What can I put on your burrito, ma'am? Nothing. Excuse me, ma'am, what can I put? She starts pointing again.

And, of course, what? She's, no? Okay, what? Lettis, no? Oh, guacamole. And the chick just, like, points. And you're just like, you know what? You're just ignorant.

Not only, you know, and I know it's Chipotle, but not only are you disrespecting the girl behind the counter who really doesn't need the aggravation. You're disrespecting everyone in the line. You're disrespecting yourself because you just look like a selfish, self-important. Oh, can you hear how pissed I am? So what I'm saying to you, and as Harland Highway,

listeners. I can't imagine any of you do this. Use your cell phone wisely. It's probably one of my most reoccurring pet peeves on this podcast that you've heard me go off about because it just, oh, I could do a whole show dedicated to the times that I've been irritated by cell phone talkers. There's a real etiquette to this, you know, maybe I should open an etiquette, an etiquette cell phone etiquette school and just teach

classes, you know. Now, this is the proper time when to talk on a cell phone and this is an inappropriate time to talk about on a cell phone. This level here is a good level to be at if you're

in a crowded public situation. Talking way up here on your cell phone when you're right beside strangers at a bus stop, a restaurant, or an airplane terminal is probably not proper etiquette. Oh, yeah. You can just, you can make a killing. Somebody open a cell phone etiquette school, man.

I mean, it goes down to texting, it goes down to driving, it goes down to public places. Nobody really said any rules when they created the cell phone. Nobody took into account the manners to go with it. So just food for thought. If you want to make a few million bucks and contribute to society and make the world a better place, especially for me. Oh, oh, Charles, oh, Nelson, oh, Riley.

Open, please open an etiquette school for cell phones. I pray that you do it. And speaking of phones, oh, my God, let's get back to listening to some more of my amazing phone call from Christopher Walken. I believe he was talking to me about food stuffs like macaroni and cheese and whatnot. All right, Christopher Walken calling your peace, probably should stay away from the mac and cheese altogether. That and bread, unless you're in church and it's the body in Christ. Stay off the bread. Colin, I want to go eat my mac and cheese.

Call you again soon for your podcast, whatever that is. are you there hello I'll call you back oh the mac and cheese now walking just made me hungry for mac and cheese

oh don't you love your mac and cheese I like the part where it's baked I like the old baked mac and cheese and then it actually kind of gets a little bit burnt not burnt black but like brown.

It's got like a brown sheen across the top. And then I like getting in around the edges, the edges of the mac and cheese tray where it's kind of burnt and it sticks right to the glass like casserole tray. And it's kind of got a crunchy yet chewy texture. And then underneath you got the soft gooey cheesy noodles. Oh my God.

Oh, oh, oh, Charles. Oh, oh. How many people now, thanks to Christopher Walken calling in and rambling about mac and cheese, are now Jones and for mac and cheese? I bet you are. If you weren't thinking about it, I bet you're thinking about it right now.

You want a fun little tip, and it doesn't taste quite as good as if you do the whole process, like boil the water, and, you know, the craft mac and cheese, or as we called it as kids, We call it up in Canada, we called it Kraft Dinner. That was the name of it. We're having Kraft Dinner tonight.

But down here in the States, it's called Mac and Cheese. Craft Mac and Cheese, but we just called it Kraft Dinner. But now they have these little microwave bowls, okay? And it's a good little hit of mac and cheese. It's a bit more chemically tasting because you don't add any butter, you don't add any salt you don't really add any love you basically you peel it open the cheese sauce package with all that cheese powder because you know that's cheese is powder um that's inside you take that out you fill the little foam cup up to a little line inside it goes filled to this line and you put it in and there's kind of this powdery stuff in in the bowl and you nuke it for three and a half minutes in your microwave oven you take it out you pour in the little powdered cheese stir it up and it's like a little like a cereal bowl

portion of mac and cheese and it's it's always like just enough to almost fill you up and you go wow that was close no just not just under the radar and then you got a you got to do a another one three and a half minutes later but uh it's a comfort food it's a yummy food um you know and if you haven't done it for a while go and check it out player go get oh girl i'm gonna get my mac and cheese on beauch oh yeah girl i'm oh what what am i doing Saturday night oh I get my mac and cheese on be all um so there you go um before we go I want to touch on um you know just touch on a topic here about uh you know I've been seeing this stuff on the news about uh you know child molesters and politicians and uh you know criminals and people just

doing wrong things people doing bad things and lying about them when they get caught and trying to shift the blame and trying to say oh i have a psychological problem i didn't i didn't know i could um be predatory with children and i didn't know i wasn't allowed to um you know be creepy around them and i didn't know i was allowed to um allocate funds to especially interest group and I didn't know I wasn't you know people with the I don't I didn't know and it's just killing me it's killing our legal system it's killing my faith in in in the idea of this country being safe and people are protected and people uh people should be punished for doing bad and rewarded for doing good but that that line doesn't exist anymore it almost feels like uh you know good

people are getting punished there was a story on the news today where a border crossing a patrol guard on the on the border between mexico and the u.s uh apparently there was a mule runner a drug running mule guy a 15 year old kid had a backpack filled with drugs, sneaking across, apprehended by border guards. One of the young border guards roughed the guy up a bit. Like he, I don't know, he shook him or I don't have the whole story. Did not like blacken his eyes or anything like that. Okay?

And what happened is some of the other border guards testified against their comrade. And as the story goes, as I saw it reported, is the border guard may be going to jail for four years for roughing up an illegal alien sneaking into the country with a backpack full of drugs. God forbid you rough that kid up. You know, God forbid you rough him up for being a criminal for trying to sneak into the country. God forbid you rough him up. for having a backpack full of illegal drugs that are going to infiltrate the system

and could cause a lot of damage to people's families and their loved ones. God forbid that guy gets roughed up and here's where the kicker happens, okay? The guy who got roughed up, the little drug mule, he got to go on the stand and testify against the border guard.

And in doing so, he was given a visa or some kind of immigration papers so that he can now stay in the country. That was like kind of the plea deal. It's just so frustrating. It's so frustrating to see all the rights of Americans and all the freedoms in this country just twist it around, twist it around and manipulated and turned against it. It's the decay of this society.

Yeah, I'm going to stand on a soapbox for a second. It is the decay of the system of freedom of this great country, when nobody can do anything, when the people that are in the wrong or somehow in the right. And here's where I'd like to really put people on the stand, okay? All these people that lie and say, oh, I didn't know, or I didn't do it, or I didn't know you weren't supposed to do that. Okay, here's how it works.

Let me break it down. If you're a human being, let's say, for example, you're a man that's 30 years old. And let's say that man, like, molests a 9-year-old kid. okay that guy knows that he made a choice to molest that kid the same way if we were standing there and 50 feet away hanging on the side of a building was a hornet nest swarming with angry hornets And I said to the guy, hey, dude, why don't you go over and stick your hand in the hornet's nest? And he would go, oh, no, that would be wrong. That would be of no benefit to me.

In fact, that would be painful and idiotic. And, no, I know the difference between right and wrong. It would be wrong to stick my hand in that swarming hornet's nest. It would be right for me to stand here where it's safe. so you tell me how an idiot like that knows the difference between right and wrong when it comes to a hornet's nest but yet he pleads

oh I didn't know you weren't allowed to put your hand down a nine-year-old's pants there's no difference it's right and wrong you make your choices and this society is just too lenient on these people and people are in a place in this society where they know it

They know the system is flawed and failing. And they know before they make these horrible choices, they're like, hmm, let's see. If I put my hand down the nine-year-old kid's pants, even if I get caught, it's probably not going to be that bad. You know, A, I'll probably get off. Or I'll do a little bit of time and be out. I move to a new city.

I start all over. There's no deterrent. And that's what's really, really sad here, you know. It's like there was a story in the news today. This happened a couple of days ago where a jet blue airplane jet got diverted by a storm, landed at an airport it wasn't supposed to land at, but it had to due to weather and safety concerns. and they would not let the people off the plane. They made those people sit on that plane for over seven hours. Seven hours on a little plane.

And I heard some lady on the news going, oh, my God, it's in humane. It's in humane where human beings were not meat. I mean, there was no food, there was no water, the toilets were backed up. There was a few people with medical conditions. and it's like who cares about all that stuff the main thing is even if there was no medical conditions if there was if there was tons of water if there was tons of food if there was shrimp scampy

and pheasant under glass no one should be made to sit on a plane for even more than an hour how hard is it to disembark from a plane How hard is it to shuffle a hundred people or 80 people off a plane and put them in a waiting area? At what point does an airline or the government who's running the airlines have the right to keep people in a tin can for seven hours? And I don't care how good you could be watching movies, getting a foot massage, uh-uh.

That's almost like borderline kidnapped. That's like, you know, confinement. And I could see it if you were, you know, your plane crash landed out on the ice or you're in a hostile country. This is the United States of America. You tell them they couldn't wheel up to a gate or open a door and wheel one of those ladders out and say, you know what, people, it's not going to be comfortable, but we got a little waiting area for you.

Okay, it's a small little terminal that's not being used. It's a little gate. There's some seats, but you can't leave the area, blah, blah, blah. I mean, most airports are ginormous. You tell them they can't find a little area? Or they don't give people the option to even at least go step down and stand on a quiet part of the tarmac. They could wheel the plane to an area where there's,

There's no taxiing going on, and they could create a little perimeter where people could get out and have a smoke or just walk around or talk, get off the plane. And I've been there, man. I was trapped on a plane for five hours. It landed, and they won't let us out. Five hours. It's infuriating. It's maddening, but it's just, it's crazy. They won't let people off probably because of liability reasons.

And again, this goes back to my argument that the legal system is so twisted up. There's so much wrong where there's so much manipulation and people trying to squeeze a buck from someone that the airlines would go, you know what, we'd rather keep people on a plane for 12 hours than risk letting someone off and then they turn around and sue us. and that's because not only is the system corrupt, but because it's become so corrupt, everyone within the system, meaning the citizens of the United States of America,

have seen how you can manipulate the system. And so many people in the system, now whenever anything goes wrong, they go, hey, this sounds a lot like the time that asshole spilled a coffee in her lap at McDonald's burned her thighs and sued McDonald's. This is a lot like that. I'm going to do that.

Now it's my turn to milk the system. Now it's my turn to profit from the system at the expense of the system and everyone in it. It's, ugh. It's very frustrating and maddening, and it just, I don't see how it ever gets better. I don't see how it ever goes back. to a time and a place

If someone slipped in a supermarket Four people rushed over and helped them up And said, are you okay? Oh my goodness! You slipped. Isn't that funny? People slip. You know what?

If we didn't even have buildings And we were still cave people, okay? If we were still running around the forest With clubs And hunting monkeys, guess what? cave people probably slipped in fact i know they did i've seen animals slip anything living and moving

anything in motion could slip and the difference between 40 years ago and today is someone slips is like oh well i fell i guess i'll see you in court that'll be uh two million dollars oh yeah my my pelvis is ruined forever and oh oh you should have you shouldn't have had a slippery floor oh god how does the system get back to a place where it's civil and it's just and it's uh it's reasonable without the reason everything gets turned around and uh you'd be amazed at much this system is affecting you may think harland you're just rambling you're just rambling on you've got to bug up your nostril or something but uh-uh if you really took the time to sit down and and take apart uh you know how much all this liability affects your life and how it's started to secretly slowly sterilize

our society because a lot of the fun in life is being cut out of our society because everyone's afraid of getting sued everyone's afraid of the liability aspect oh yeah man so here we go i don't have the answer i just all i can do is wish wish that it could get better that it could stop but as long as there's people that uh want to act like a little miss stupid well i didn't know i didn't know how well how could i know and since i didn't know you're i'm going to sue you tragic and not the funniest way to end the podcast okay but something that's been on my mind has been building up maybe you've been thinking the same thing or maybe like i wasn't even aware of this crap harland thanks for bumming me out dude

well it's all around us just open your eyes and you'll see um but enough of that okay that's not what we're here for as you know we have fun here sometimes i get a little you know on a rant and maybe you like it I think secretly some of you like it you like oh you go Holland oh Holland you go Biosch

tell it like it is Bia oh tell me all about it Biosch I don't know I just throw it all out there man but if you do want to get back to the comedy

hey come on man Don't forget that tonight and tomorrow night I'm at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, and then the following weekend, November 11, 12, and 13, Columbus, Ohio at the Funny Bone, two great clubs, and they are going to be packed. So get online, get your tickets, call the clubs, reserve. And we're going to have a lot of fun.

Don't forget, you can call me at 888, 500, 2090. You can write to harlowe Williams.com or go to the store and pick up some fun Christmas merch. As Christmas approaches, we'll have some fun merchandise in the store. And that's it, man. I'm going to go get my mac and cheese on. And until next time, chicken chau me. Whole milk, my man.

Whole milk, my man. And spam.