The Harland Highway - PODCAST 343

Episode Date: November 7, 2011

Fingernails, Halloween scares, kids and God, calling the zoo, leading men who yell in movies. Bundle up my brumblebushes!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey man, Harlan Williams here. What's up? What's up, man? Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast, dude. I don't know why I did that. It was a hook. I was trying to hook you in. Hey, Stoner Guy doing the pocket. No, not working. But you're here nonetheless, right? And thank God for that. Because so many things to talk about, so many things to discuss. So many things to lay on you like a wet noodle. um fingernails today we'd finally do it we finally discuss fingernails yeah had to be done and here it is um we're going to be listening to a phone message um from a guy who tells us a funny Halloween story and we're going to be talking about Halloween scares and just being frightened in general and how do you react um how about God you feel like talking about God today, everybody.

I think it's a good time, but it's going to be fun because we're going to be talking about children's perceptions of God. God through the eyes of a child. Actually, going to be very cute and fun. And also, we're going to be making a phone call today to a furry little fella. And then we're going to be discussing guys that yell in the movies.

But I'm not yelling now. It's nice and soft here. on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate

One Keithburger With everything coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Look at me Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human bee

God damn it. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hey, everybody, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. So I want to talk to you today, ladies and gentlemen, about your fingernails. Mm-hmm, you got ten of them. Unless, of course, you're a shop teacher, then you probably have maybe eight, maybe like seven. or if you're one of those guys that works for the police force, you're on the bomb squad and you dismantle bombs.

You might just have like a nub. But for the rest of us who have 10 fingernails, ladies, what's with the long nails? Some of you girls out there think that, you know, you got them coming out about half an inch. That's sexy. For those of you who got them coming out like four inches, okay, you're a grizzly bear

you should be swatting salmon down at a river okay come on over to my house and rip that log open so I can have some fresh honey I mean holy god Freddy Kruger what is with the long nails

how do you pick your nose how do you wipe your rear end after a little howdy duty I mean Holy God, ladies Keep those nails down to a minimum What's up, player?

Speaking of getting to the center of the earth, you're like a badger Dig down and find me some treasure there. Barbara? Oh, man. What do you need nails that long for? Huh? What are you doing?

Keep the nails to a minimum. don't run your fingers through my hair because I don't need a lobotomy and just keep on picking your nose all right that's my little beauty tip for today here on the Harland Highway hey would you mind scratching my back no no no not right down to my spinal column

just the outside layer of my flesh thanks there uh gentle Ben hey but what can you see say, right? God created us, and God gave us giant nails. God gave us our noses, our skin, our bodies, everything. Wait, what's that? Okay, that I guess you're right. I should say that. That is, if you believe in God. There are some people out there, man, that don't believe in God. Oh, oh, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha. Um, but I have today a wonderful, collection of letters that little children wrote to God. Because maybe children don't understand or conceive of God the way we do.

Maybe they even connect to God better than we do. Because, you know, as you know, a child is pure. There's purity in a child. and maybe a child's link to God is one that's a little more divine maybe because a little baby, a little child really hasn't had a chance to sin yet. So there's an innocence there.

And whether you believe in God or not, I think you'll find these letters to God amusing. These are actually real letters that little children wrote in kindergarten and daycare and whatnot and I'm going to read some of them here because I think they're kind of sweet and fun and innocent and maybe in a way they'll make you think or remind you of a place in time

where maybe you were a little more sweet and innocent and naive and boy couldn't we all use a dose of that so here we go actual letters to god the almighty creator if you believe in them or not these little kids wrote them and here they are dear god i went to this wedding and they kissed right in church is that okay neal dear god instead of letting people die and having to make new ones Why don't you just keep the ones you got now? And that's from Jane. I like that one. Yes.

Although that might mean we have like boy bands around for eternity. So maybe not. Here we go. Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest invention. Ruth. Okay. Only a kid would say that. But hey, why not?

Dear God, in Bible times, did they really talk that fancy, Jennifer. That's an interesting question. You know, the Bible's just full of flowery, And on the fourth day, the Lord saideth that heath had to scratch us his buttiest. Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying, Elliot. Dear God, I am American. What are you?

Robert. That's a very good question. What is God? Where does he live? Does he have his green card? Imagine if we find out God is an illegal alien? Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family, and I can never do it.

Nan. Well, that's true. It's hard to spread that love around. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. That's from Ginny, G-I-N-N-N-Y. Dear God, if you could watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes from Mickey.

See, these are great. There's such an innocence to them. I love them, man, because it's just no filter, just... Dear God, so let's do a few more. Dear God, if we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise.

Oh, we got one catty already. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother, and that's from Larry. Dear God, if you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want

except my money or my chest set. Raphael. Yeah, you don't want to give away that chest set, man. Here we go. We read Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna.

You know, that's true. If God created everything, there's a lot of thieves out there. Dear God, if you let the dinosaur not exist, we would not have a country. You did the right thing. Jonathan. Here, here. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year, Peter. And last one, here we go.

These are amazing. Dear God, thank you for the baby brother. but what I prayed for was a puppy. And that's from Joyce. So God bless the kids. I hope you got a kick out of those, man. Just so sweet and innocent. And I should probably end with me doing one.

Let me connect with my inner child. Okay, let's see. Dear God, I wish I was a lion and I could go and eat a Baskin-Robbins shop. Okay, there it is. If you have any, call in 888-520-90. That's the direct hotline to God. Hey, Holland.

I just wanted to call in. I like the Halloween show. Yeah, and I like your phones that you read on there. Those are pretty good. But I saw all to, I got an Halloween story of my own. Back, it's been a while, been a few years. Back when I was about 16, I went with a couple of buddies trick-or-treating. I know 16, yeah, he probably shouldn't even be trick-or-treating anymore.

I was like, yeah, we went trick-or-treating. And we were walking, going door-to-door, coming down into this dark street, and we walked. up to this guy's house and there's uh what we thought was a dummy dressed up in a devil's costume and uh the dummy or we thought it was a dummy and you know everybody has like a fake guy or a Halloween guy out in the yard or whatever just sitting there so we thought it was a dummy we ring the doorbell wait wait wait and they just nobody answered and so before we walked up I decided to punch the dummy in the face.

And it turns out it was a guy sitting there waiting to scare the shit out of us. And he would have, because I really didn't think it was a person. So, yeah, I punched the guy right in the face. He's like, what the hell was that? And all me and my friends were scattered. Yeah, it was pretty funny, man. I just thought I'd call in the Harlem Highway and share one of my stories with you, buddy. keep up to get a lick and can't wait for the next podcast thank you oh yeah that stuff can happen man

that was a great story thank you for calling in yeah you get these guys that just kind of sit there and jump out at you and sometimes you just take a knuckle sandwich to the face that happened me one night let me share a story with you I was out with a bunch of buddies one night here in old California A. It was a hot summer night and a lipstick shit, no. It was a hot summer night

and we were out goofing around and I think what happened is one of my buddies left his car parked over by my place and the other buddy had his own car. So we were having fun all night. We were out somewhere at a club or something and um you know the night came to an end it was late it was probably like one in the morning and uh we were like

hey see you later to my one buddy and then me and the other two guys got in the car and we we headed back towards at this point in time i was living in a one bedroom townhouse and it didn't even have parking and next door to my townhouse was a liquor mart like a convenience store right and um so i would just parked my car in their parking lot and they didn't seem to mind so um i drive back it's uh one in the morning and uh what i do is i pull up right beside a dumpster okay get out of the car we're walking to walk starting to walk around the dumpster my buddy that we'd been out partying with his name's fred beasley so that should say it all guy named fred beasley He jumps out from behind the dumpster, and he's like,

ah! And I'm telling you, man, my fist and my shoulder and my arm cocked back in the air faster than a guy in Vietnam reloading his AK-47 in the underbrush. Okay? I mean, my gun was locked and loaded, man. And it didn't take me more than like a third of a second to react. I went into the kung fu stand. My legs were apart.

My other hand was out, and my arm was just back. I was one hair of a second away from just pounding this guy in the face with the hardest shot he ever would have felt. I mean, it would have knocked his head, not off, but just straight back. The back of his neck would have folded, and it would have been like a pediment. dispenser. You ever flip the head of a pez dispenser? You pull the head back and a candy pops out. This guy's head would have flopped right back. Bang! Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And he kind of knew it. He was like, oh! And I was like, dude, you were one hair of a second from, oh, I had so much adrenaline in that one second. It's like that scene from a pulp fiction when that guy hammers the needle into the girl's heart because she's gone in, she's out of stroke or something from too much cocaine and he pounds a needle filled with adrenaline right into her heart that's that's how fast my thermometer went up but just like guy jumps out ha and i was

like whoop let's go bang and this guy was so lucky because i was oh and he knew it and i told him i said you idiot you stupid idiot you were one hair away from maybe losing your face and your life and everything. And then that wears off, and then you just laugh about it and becomes a story. But I love it that there was a guy just flopped on the porch, dressed as a devil or something. And he's just milking it and milking it and let you guys ring the doorbell, nothing. And then finally he goes, ah, screw this place. Pow!

Hey, what the hell, man? I'm a devil. Not the real devil, man. I'm just dressed up. I got kids and a family in that. man up yours i was going to give you a mini snickers but up yours oh yeah well how about another one bang oh hey so awesome story keep your calls coming in folks and by the way i'm glad you enjoyed the halloween show i got an email from someone that goes harlan that poem you did mr scary that

that was disturbing and i'm like yeah it's halloween it's supposed to be disturbing I explained the poem. It was kind of a collection in my mind of all the crazy scary horror movies I've seen in my whole life. So I thought, what if there was one guy that did all of that stuff? And his name was Mr. Scary. So don't be disturbed. It was in keeping with the Halloween season. God, there really is no Mr. Scary.

No, seriously. He doesn't exist. Anyways, as I was saying, keep your phone calls coming. Love your messages. 888, 500, 2090. Thank you for your message. And you can write me at Harlan Williams.com if you don't like to leave messages. And speaking of dot com, I think that rhymes, and let's move on. This is Harland Williams, and you're motoring down the Harland Highway with me. And as I look out the window, as I drive along merrily, I see I'm passing the zoo.

And I can actually see some of the animals from the highway here. And they look a little sad. They look a little lonely. And I don't know. Maybe they just need a call. I'm going to call a koala. I'm just going to call him and surprise him and see how he's doing whatever. Here we go.

Calling koala to zoo. Okay, it's ringing. Hello? Hello? Oh, uh, koala? Is this a koala? I don't know. Is that, is that how koala sound? I don't, how do they sound? Do they, are they, do they bark? What do they do? Hello? I don't know what they do. Now that I think of it, I don't know. Is that you? Koala. Kuala.

Hello? I don't, do they meow? What do koalas do? Do they chirp? Well, don't get mad at me. Hello, koala? Hi, I just thought I'd phone and see how you're doing. What is this? It's a koala. How do you know? Oh, okay. Hey, koala.

Hey, just phoning to say hi. Hope you're good. We're thinking of you. Happy eucalyptus. Happy good eye. Good eye to you. Good eye. Good eye, Mike.

I don't know. You know what? This was a bad idea. I don't know how to talk to a koala. Little freaks with their faces all squished in. And I know they're cute, but, man, try having a conversation with one. It sucks. Anyways, we're passing the zoo now.

Thank God. It's Harlan on the Harlan Highway. We out. Oh, little koala. I can't communicate with you. And speaking of communication, here is this gets me, okay? How many of you are movie fans of like the old, you know, Civil War movies? Or, you know, that Mel Gibson one, the Highlander or whatever it's called,

or 300 Spartans. Sparta! Unite for Sparta! Whatever Sparta is. What the hell is Sparta? It sounds like a cleaning product. Mommy, I had the accident on the sheets. Don't worry, darling, I've got the Sparta.

Oh, excellent. Maybe I'll do it again in the afternoon. Don't you dare, you little monkey. But here's my beef, my fresh roasted beef, is these giant battle scenes, okay? Huge battle scenes, like you got, you know, 3,000 guys on horses spread across a mile of field. There's the same on the other side,

and if you watch these movies, okay, there's always the guy, the lead guy, out in the middle of it, right up front, on the horse, and he's like, on my command! wait for it Spartans attack charge and then and then halfway through the battle

cease everybody stop cease okay first of all how the hell does anyone hear this guy doesn't have a megaphone he doesn't have a microphone he doesn't have a shell he ain't got nothing and it always cracks me up

in the middle of these movies guys fighting you know, 20,000 guys in a field. Cease, everyone stop fighting! And it's just like... Gee, what are we having a nap? Is it nap time or what? What's he yelling for?

Why does he want us to stop? I was just about to kill you, and here we go. Stopping. Like, I just don't... It's just bizarre to me that the way they choreographed the movies, these guys yelling and everyone just freezes. Prepare for glory.

Remember this day, red. Or it will be yours for all time. This is where we hold them. This is where we fight. And there's a bunch of guys going, what, did you hear something? I don't know.

What's going on? down there i don't know man i thought i heard someone say something about good and said good night or something or somebody somebody said something man yeah i i didn't hear what hello what's going on down there excuse me right it's just it's just like how do they know what's being screamed Ready your breakfast and eat hearty. But tonight, we died in hell. Oh, my God. Are they taking breakfast orders?

I thought I heard him say something about breakfast. I'll have an omelet, mushrooms, green peppers, diced ham, and just a little bit of cheese, please. Uh, yeah, man, could I get the scrambled eggs and, uh, you know what, scrap there? Give me the full moons over my hammie. What? What, what? I mean, how great would it? to be to have that kind of vocal ability.

I mean, you'd have to have a degree in communications from DeVry nine times over, but imagine having that ability if you're at a giant concert, you're at a U-2 concert or some big rock fest, you know, 70,000 people, and you can't find your girlfriend, and you're just in the middle of the whole melee, you're like, Karen, I got your chili dog and you're saying, Kevin up, I was at the snack bar. And then she's over on the other side. Over here, over here!

I'll be right over. I hope I don't spill anything. I'm glad you took that course at DeBriar. I never would have heard you. Oh! The victory! Or imagine if you had to give an address or a speech. You know, at the Lincoln Memorial or at the, you know, at a baseball game or something.

You'd never need any kind of PA system. You just somehow have this commanding voice that got through everywhere, and millions of people heard you. Oh, what a treat. Spartans never retreat. Spartans never surrender. Ho! Oh!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, no. This day, we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny, and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine. Or should I say, what a retreat. So there you go. If you need anyone to be an announcer or a public speaker at any event or function, just go to the commander of a large, large, large army.

old time army and uh and there it is oh and speaking of retreating we have to retreat we are at the end of another magical mystical podcast i won't allow it too bad sucker um so let's do some announcements before we uh we hang it up hang it up uh let's see if you want to see the kid live Yeah, live doing stand-up comedy. Great club. I'm going to be at the Columbus, Ohio, Funny Bone. I'm at the Funny Bone, man. It'll be the 11th, 12th, and 13th of November.

And then the following weekend, you can catch yours truly in Portland, Oregon. That'll be my first time up there doing stand-up. And that's 17, 18, and 19. of November. So those are some of the last concerts of the year for me. The final one will be in Indianapolis in mid-December. And so if you can, come on out and see the kid rock it out. And if you want to leave a message,

if you want to phone and leave any thoughts, comments, criticisms, whatever. 888, 52090, or you can write to harlomwilliams.com. And keep your eye on the web store at harlunwilums.com. Always a lot of fun gifts in there as we get near the holiday season that we will deliver to you, and they are personally autographs, some of them. Check in the store for details. And keep that mind for the holidays. And what else?

What else was I going to tell you all? I thought I had one more thing, but I'm having a little brain freeze. Oh, well, too bad. You know what it might be? Maybe I was going to mention Stitcher.com. If you want to download the Harlan Highway on your cell phone. They have an app at Stitcher. And meanwhile, be sure to tell your friends, your family about the Harland Highway.

And get them. going on this groovy experience so that's it man uh we are all out of time and uh until next time spartans chicken chau may baby spartans