The Harland Highway - PODCAST 344

Episode Date: November 9, 2011

TV shows I've seen, sleep problems, voicemails, smokers, and Timmy sings some campfire songs. Plumb flavored rump balls!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chim-chim-chim-a-chim-chim-ch-ray, this is the dumbest introe. Yeah, it is. Why I'm singing Merry Poppin songs. I don't know. Welcome to the Harland Highway. You might be up on your roof cleaning your chimney while you listen to this, so maybe I'm justified. In chim-chim-chim-chim-chim-or-chim... No, no, I'm not.

Hey, thanks for being here. Great show today. We're going to be talking about TV shows that I've seen. And, yeah, there's a bit of a rub on this one because it's TV shows I've seen, but I'm not happy about seeing them. And take a listen. You'll figure out what I'm talking about. We got some listener voicemails today.

We're going to be talking about smokers. Are you a smoker? Well, I'm going to lay into that a little bit. How about sleep problems? I've had a weird sleeping problem lately that I think you'll find quite unique and quite interesting. And we're going to talk about that. And then, God, this idiot Timmy, the campfire kids coming by to sing some songs. Don't let that deter you.

Stay right here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, this is Harlan Williams riding along beside you. Just sitting in your cup holder like a nice hot chocolate you just picked up with the drive-thru. Warming your soul. Feel it go down. Nice and deep.

Right down into your body. And speak of ingesting things. Any smokers riding along today with us? Smokers. Smoking away the years of your life? I don't get it. inhaling smoke. Do you ever see smokers at a campfire?

Everyone else sitting around in a circle at a safe distance, holding hands, singing kumbaya. And there's the smokers, right up near the base of the fire. Just breathing in the flames and the smoke. Love smoke. Oh, must get smoke inside. It's like sucking up a piece of spaghetti. You need that smoke in them.

Oh. How come when smokers get cut, they just don't start smoking? Huh? The rest of us, we bleed, but doesn't it make sense that if you cut a smoker, you just start smoking like a volcano? How come you never see smokers at fires? Got the fire trucks, buildings burning? Maybe that would help put the fires.

Are they just send in the smokers to... smoke up. Inhale it all. Inhale all the smoke. Nobody dies of smoke inhalation anymore because the smokers are there to help out. Ah, delicious. And the most offensive of all, it's got to be smoking after sex. How many you do that, huh? How many of you smoke after sex? How does that work? What kind of message are you send into your lover. You're dearly beloved. You make wild passionate love for hours. You roll off of each other. She lights up a cigarette. You look at her right in the eyes with that just made loved look and you go, hey, baby, how was it for you, baby? She takes a big haul of that cigarette.

She says, oh, it was good. It was so good, in fact. I think I'm slowly going to kill myself. Thanks a lot, baby. You've come a long way, baby. And I've come a long way to visit you at your funeral. Take a drag for me, baby. Because your smokehouse breath has become a drag for me. Oh, you go chip that yellow off your teeth.

Maybe de-stain your fingers. Thought maybe you were a gyna. psychologist or something. Ooh, gross, gross, ooh. You know what else is gross? Yeah, I just did. Someone wrote me a letter the other day or left me a voicemail or they go, Harlan, did you know you go, um, a lot?

Um. Yeah, I do, and I enjoy it. So go have a cigarette. You go smoke while I, um. Um, um. Here's what, um, gets me and I think this has happened to each and every one of you okay I'm almost positive you ever do this you're uh you have a lazy day a lazy sunday or a lazy evening you got nothing to do and you're

like I'm just gonna watch the boob tube I'm just gonna watch me some good old fashion TV and there's really nothing on and you're flipping through you got 900 channels and you can't seem to find something and then boom like oh wait here's that weird show storage wars about the guys that, you know, going to old storage bins and look for people's discarded junk or American pickers or pawn stars or it could be any show. A show you've maybe only seen it like two, three times, but it piqued your interest. It could be a TV show.

It could be a sitcom. It could be a reality show. You know what? I caught that a couple of times. I kind of liked it. oh wow this is going to be good i'm going to watch this show here it is i'm killing time and i couldn't find anything as fate would have it boom there was this one show that i was kind of interested in and then it comes on and you've only seen like maybe two three at the most

maybe one episode of this series where they've shot like you know 45 episodes and you're like, finally, something I want to watch, and it starts rolling, and you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, what the hell? I've seen this one. And you're like, what are the odds? They taped 42 shows. I caught two of them, like six months ago by fluke.

I was up late at a hotel or I couldn't sleep, and the show caught my fancy. And so now, here I am ready to watch it again. and the one they're showing is the one damn show that I've already seen. Great. Don't you hate that? Haven't you had that happen to you? And at first you don't want to believe it, right? You're like, okay, wait a minute.

The guy goes in there, and he sees the thing, and this is sort of like the one I saw. But, you know, unless he pulls out that old Mickey Mantle baseball, and then he pulls out the Mickey Mantle baseball, Well, this is the one I've seen. Oh, God. I was about to have a half hour of mind-numbing nothingness. I could have sat here and watched a half-hour of a show

that I kind of sort of like, and it's the damn one out of all of them that I've seen. Thank you very much. Stars aligning. Up yours. Oh. So that's no fun. It's no fun at all.

So what you got to do is just sit in front of your TV, never turn it off, and watch through all episodes, take about six months out of your life, watch the whole season, don't go to work, don't go to the store, have pizzas delivered, and that way you'll avoid this little dilemma that I just described. If I sit here and I watch every episode, episode. That way, when I tune in six months from now, which I won't, because I've already

seen every episode, I don't have to worry about being stumped. So there you go. I present a dilemma, and then I find a solution to the dilemma. God bless me, everyone. Oh, oh, my. Oh, what a yawn. You ever yawn so long a hot dog flies in your mouth? Oh. Well, it happened again, folks. I couldn't get to sleep last night. I had one of those restless nights tossing and turning. I tried counting sheep, but, you know, they're kind of noisy, and they do droppings everywhere. So I'm tossing and turning, can't get to sleep, so this is what I do. Finally, I go down to Dunkin' Donuts. I go to my local donut shop. I buy a couple of nice, big, puffy, honey glazed donuts. I stick them on my eyes. I climb up in a pine tree

and pretend I'm an owl for 45 minutes. Uh-huh. That's right. I'm just sitting up there, who-un. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Looking for mice. God forbid a mouse goes by. Oh, I would swoop down on its little furry ass,

like a concrete mixing machine at a Chucky Cheese Walnut Cracking Party. Whatever that means. Oh, sitting up there. Hoeing away. Just whoing. Like a Swiss yodeler. And after about 45 minutes of that,

I kind of got tired. I knotted off. And fell out of the tree, smashed my head on the concrete below, and that put me right out. Oh, didn't wake up at home, though. I woke up in the ER, which was kind of interesting. But, hey, you know what?

Woke up and had some donuts. Had a nice pastry snack right there on my face. So all in all, a good solution to an annoying problem here on the Harlan Highway. Ouch. Okay, now that you're all rested, we need to have a talk about technology. Now, as you know, technology is moving at the speed of light. Things are changing quickly. Things are getting faster.

They're getting quicker. They're getting faster and quicker is the same thing. I know. I was just trying to sneak up by you. things are getting smaller things are getting more technologically advanced so here's where we have to really ask ourselves the question what the hell are kids doing walking around with the giant earphones on their heads that look like ear muffs they look like they're about to go for a sleigh ride you know you know what i'm talking about

the big giant people are wearing the stereo headphones now that were popular in the 70s. And now people got these things plugged into their iPads and their iPods. And they're just wandering in the street. They're red. They're black. They're huge. I mean, I got to tell you, man,

every time I see a kid wandering down the street with these giant headphones on, I just want to start a snowball fight. Hey, buddy. Who, me? Yeah, you, the guy with the headphones. What do you want? Ah! That's right, right in the face, sucker.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. don't throw your back out i mean folks have you not seen the little tiny little earplug ear drum headphones they got now for your iPods and your podcasters and your digital music and your dingley ds everything's getting smaller there's a reason they made them small so you can't see them so you don't look like an idiot walking down the street with giant headphones from the 70s you say retro i say you look like a moron okay they've finally

engineered these little tiny earbuds for us so we can get away from the giant 1970s headphones they've got incredible sound they're tiny they're small you can hide them they're in on Intrusive, or what's that word, in a truce, you know what I mean, non-intrusive. And, you know, they were designed so we didn't have to wear around the giant South Park. Let's go on a bobsled eggnog ride headphones. Okay? You get it? So I don't know, man.

I don't know. It's just, it baffles me that, you know, people, A, want to wear that around because another advantage of the little buds outside of not seeing them is that you can still kind of hear what's going on outside a little bit better. But when you got these big, like, earphones over your ears, you're just sealing out the world man you ain't hearing nothing there could be a meteorite falling down on you and you're like la didi la da da boom obliterated um so i don't know i don't know how the trend started i don't know uh where it started probably came out of the rap music world i'm guessing i don't know it looks kind of hip hop to me come on why why you need to go there player even even when they were around in the uh 70s those things people wouldn't be caught dead outside with them on you know those

headphones you strictly use to listen indoors if you didn't want to disturb someone you know because back in the in the 70s there was usually like a communal stereo in the house just the same way there was a communal phone everyone shared the same phone everyone shared the same stereo so at any given time there can be like four people sitting in the living room reading a newspaper and one kid sitting in the dining room listening to his toto albums or his Boston or his foreigner and he's got to put the headphones on because that's the only place to spin the records there's only one record player in the house and look at it now man people just walking around with crystal clear stereo sound and it's like the size of a stamp on an envelope we've come a long way so stop using the cans as we call them

in the biz that's what we call them when you're recording sound or you're uh you're doing music or you're in a recording booth they call those they still have those giant headphones when doing professional recording, and they call them cans. Yeah, can I get some more volume in my cans? I can't hear you, man. Harlan, can you put the cans on, please? Yeah, Harlan, put the cans on. Why doesn't he put the cans on?

Well, probably because they're sitting on the table and he can't hear you. Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay. So I don't know. Hey, call me a nerd. Maybe I'm out of it. But I've already been through my giant headphone phase, okay? I'm way ahead of you.

So maybe you can't call me a nerd. I think you can only be a nerd if something cool comes along and you refuse to try it. Okay? And you're like, I'm never doing that. No, that's stupid. No way. I'm not trying that, nerd.

But I already lived through the giant headphone thing. I did it. I wore it. Been there, done that. So I think that qualifies me to now come around. and label the nerds. It's like, hey, man, it's already been done in the 70s player. I already did that.

I already had that on my head. I listen to the toto and whatnot. I'd be listening to Boston and sticks and shit. That ain't cool, man. You're a nerd, man. You're a nerd. So there you go. Let's stick with the new stuff.

let's move forward okay and if you don't you're getting a snowball right in the back of the head ow i was just trying to listen to some kansas dude hi harland angus mcgillicudy here hey look i got a problem my brother is a cheese demon and i didn't know it until he went under my freezer and ate all my cheese so what i did was I got a goat, harvested his cheese, and then I made my brother sleep with the goat. I'm sorry, but the person you called has a voice mailbox. Hey, Harlan, you old tiddy shitter. My name's Balls, and I just wanted to tell you, I absolutely love your podcast.

I think you're one of the funniest in the planet. And I just wanted to tell you how much I love hearing you, man. So keep up to good work, and be careful. And if you're not, name it after me. See, buddy. We're sorry, you have reached the number The dials had been changed or is no longer in service Well, hi, Arlenz

This is Nancy Drew I had called you And you played me on your podcast the other day And I've been getting a lot of calls lately Ever since the show And people've been wanting me to write another book They say Nancy Drew I thought you wrote

books, can you write another one? So I'm sitting there hoping and wondering what I can write on my next book, and I figured it would be another mystery, Harlan. And I wanted to make a book about the Harlan Highway and what makes the Harlan Highway so special, Harlan. And I get a little bit of research there, Harlan, and then I found out that Hurling Highway is so special because I did some research and said that Harle Williams rode the short bus to school. Yeah, that's right, with all the special kids. And that's what makes the

Wall and Highway so great. It's because Marlon Highway himself is so special. And I'll keep you guys posted on when My fuck's coming out. Thanks again, Harlan. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Hey, Harlan. Listening to one of your podcasts, a few podcasts back and see if anybody's doing the online

dating thing. And, yeah, I did the online dating thing. And I met up with this girl, and we go out to the movies. And this girl, like, she looks like an online. A normal girl in her picture, and, well, when I meet up with her, the girl's got a frickin' beer gut, man. It's like a Lumberjad's Bulldike, ate Paul Bunyan or something, like, at a beer gut. That's horrible, I guess, but my neighbor is this sweet little old lady. She asked a girl that I'm walking with how many months pregnant she is, and I just was like, oh, my God,

I couldn't believe that she had said it to this girl. I could tell that she was devastated, and I don't know, that's my story there, buddy. And thank you for keeping up with the Highland Highway. You're doing a good job. Keep it up. And take care, buddy. Well, okay, excellent calls. Thank you, everybody.

Keep them coming. 1-888-500-2090. And what? No. No, he's not coming in. Oh, for God's sakes. Are you kidding me? I'm almost at the end of the show.

Can we do it another year? Oh, God, I just got a thing in the cans, in the headphones. This idiot kid is here who does campfire songs. Unbulleted. Are you serious? Summer is over, man. Yeah, I know it's the producer's kid. Send them in.

Yeah, I hear you. Come in. Send them in, Roger. What that? I said, come in. Hi, how are you? Oh, well, I was good, kid. What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.

You know summer's over, right? So? Well, nobody's doing camp. Campfire songs this time of year, kid. Well, maybe if you live in Florida, you do. Yeah, maybe if you live in Florida, but come on. Look, just because you're an old crab grass. I'm not an old crab grass.

It's just, this is just, I've got some campfire songs, and I'm going to sing them. All right, how many you got this time, kid? Three, just like always. Just like the way you always forget to. flush the toilet. What the hell does that mean? You know. What are you doing? Well, I want to do my first song. Good. Do it. Get it over with. Okay, relax. I am relaxed. You don't sound relaxed. Your eyes are all puffed out. My eyes are not puffed out. They sure are. My eyes are not puffed out, kid. Now do your first song.

and let's go. Okay, puff eyes. Cut it out, sing. Okay, up yours. And don't start with the up yours. Up yours. Stop it. Just sing your first dopey song.

Okay, puff eyes. Sing! Oh, gather round the campfire, the campfire, the campfire, the campfire, everyone, sing and cheer. the campfire song. Hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho. Hey, hey. Could you help me with this part?

What do you mean? I sing, hey, hey, hey. And you sing, ho, ho. No, I'm not. I'll tell my father. All right, let's do it. Oh, sing you're out of the campfire. I'll say, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Go, ass. Ho, ho, ho. Hey, hey, hey. ho ho ho do it nice just do it hey hey hey ho come on get to the next song all right relax now your ass is puffed out stop talking about things puffing out on me now do your next song what is it it's a song about the animals in the forest Okay, do it And hurry up

Relax, Puffy Stop Do it Everywhere I look I see a little deer Everywhere I look I see a little bear Mountain Lion

Raccoon Here comes a skunk There goes a boose Oh everybody loves The little forest critters Mountain Mountain Lion Lion Nussey moosey moose. Hey, everybody! There's an owl. You gotta be kidding me, kid. What? You don't like

animals? No, I don't like your singing. I don't like your puffy eyes. You look like a Garfield the cat. Stop! Hurry, what's your last song? All right, relax. Just do your last song. All right! Can you count me down? Oh, I'd like to count. you down what's that mean just all right what from three puff three two one ooh who what is this quiet I'm singing what's gonna sex you up what the I want to sex you up. No, no, you don't. You're not doing that song.

That's not a campfire song. Sit tight and put the music on. No. I'm going to sex you up. Stop it with the sex you up. Crap. That's not a campfire song, Timmy. I've got to sex you up.

Oh, I want to sex you up! Get out of here! Get out of here. I don't care. Who's kid you are? Get out of here. I'm not finished sexing everyone up. It's not a campfire song.

Yeah, well, you're puffy. Get out of here. Ooh, I've got to sex you up with sexual intercourse. out moron idiot dillweed i'm gonna sex you up

i'm gonna pump you up woo go god the stuff I have to deal with around here what's the matter with people I want to sex you up

like a nine year old kid at the eve of winter and he wants to sex me unbelievable roger you got to get get rid of that kid timmy wow i feel violated i feel greasy and like i'm covered in olive oil or something oh oh oh oh oh let's move on let's thank god we're at the end of the show. I don't like to ever be at the end of the show, but today I'm going to go have like a shower.

I'm going to shower and rock salt and vinegar. I'm going to douche my whole body just to get the slime of Timmy the campfire kid off me. Ugh. Oh, God. My apologies

for ending the podcast this way. I didn't know he was coming in. Thanks, Roger. so let's get out of here a few quick announcements this weekend November 11th and 12th and 13th it is me in Columbus, Ohio at the Funny Bone, great comedy club. Come on out. We're going to rock it. We're going to rock the room. You can get your tickets online or you can call them. And then the following weekend, I will be in Portland, Oregon, doing stand-up comedy.

I've got to get the name of that club. I think it's called, I want to say, the stress factory maybe. The shame on me for not knowing, but I'll have it for you next week. And my first time doing stand-up up in that state, I'm very excited. Tell your friends and families, your dogs, your aunts and uncles, your aunts and uncle. whoever, your goldfish can come out and have some bubbly laughs. Don't forget to check out the Harland Highway store at Harlanwiliams.com where you can also write to me or if you want to leave a phone message, 888, 52090.

And always a treat to hear from the Harland Highway pavement pounders. And that's it, man. That's all we got. so until next time uh keep sexing it up and chicken chamehameh baby keep up to good work and uh be careful and if you're not name it after me see you buddy