The Harland Highway - PODCAST 345

Episode Date: November 11, 2011

Ramp snobs, voicemails, the life of cows, security protection, and Dr. Ascot!. Scrape my tiny teeth!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Glory, glory, hallelujah, glory, how do you do? Yeah, I'm talking to you, or singing to you, or somewhere in the middle. Maybe more like tarding to you, because that's what I seems to be good at. Welcome to the Holland Highway, everybody. I am he, Harlan Williams, your host, your moderator, your showcase showgirl. and what a show today. Thank you for being here. Are you a merge snob, a highway ramp snob? I think you'll find out what I'm talking about.

I think you might be. I think we all might have been at one point in time. So we're going to get into that. How about protection? Who should be carrying a gun and who shouldn't? Who should be protecting us, how, when, and where? Let's talk about that. We're going to be listening to some of your voicemails today.

You folks have been calling in and leaving some great messages, so we'll get to those. Cows! Cows! Yeah, we're going to talk about cows. It's about time. We've talked about a lot of things on this podcast, but we're well overdue to talk about cows.

And speaking of cows, I've got to sit with Dr. Ascot today. That guy's a big steaming. pile right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate

One cheeseburger with everything coming up! You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien! It's all for you! This is Harland Williams. be god damn it hey hey hey it's harlan williams here and have you had a long day at work are you tired are you rolling home you're getting sick of your job the nine to five grind are you passing a field

do you see any cows out there don't you have those days where sometimes you just feel like it'd be so much easier just to be a cow you stand around all day you're tired you lay under a tree you eat to your heart's content and as the sun goes down you waddle back to the barn and somebody plays with your breasts somebody squeezes your little boobies what a life man oh what a dream life you get milked you're like man what a day i had oh my god I'm exhausted. I had to file all those reports and somebody get over here and milk me. That's what I need.

Can you imagine running around with a dairy product inside you? How weird is that? Hey man, you're pregnant? No, I just got some farmer's cheese in here. Oh. Hey, Bill, what's that sound in your tummy? Oh, nothing, just a couple of crates of yogurt. It's weird milk goes south.

How come cows don't go sour, huh? What's that all about? How come if you don't milk a cow for three weeks, it doesn't go sour? There's got to be some that get missed, huh? You should be able to be driving along the countryside. You look, some cows that have passed their expiration date. Instead of cows, you just see big piles of cottage cheese in the field with horns sticking out of them. Huh, be careful, cows, don't go sour.

And don't you go sour Here on the Harlan Highway Pull off Get yourself a milkshake Or better yet Stick a straw on your belly button And drink your own dairy product Hong Kong 2-2-beep

Harlan Highway And Speaking of driving Are you an on-ramp Snob Huh Are you I think

maybe we all are and you don't really think about it. But there's two ways to look at it, okay? Either you're the person merging onto the freeway or you're already on the freeway and somebody's merging on. So let's start with you're the guy merging onto the freeway. You go up the ramp and you're going slow. Everyone else is going like 80 miles an hour. And you try to, you know, put the...

pedal to the metal and pick up some speeds you can join the gang hey guys can I come in guys guys slow down guys can I play I want to get on let me come in please but what you get is the other side where there's people already on the highway and I this is where I think we might all be guilty you see the guy starting to merge you're about a quarter mile behind them you're coming up on him and you're like oh god look at this guy look at this guy with his signal on what's this guy think he's doing merging onto the ramp cut to go on sleep he's going right in front of my space there's no way i've been driving for 32 miles whaling down this highway what right does he have to get on my highway and slow me down and cut in no no no no he's got to pick up some

speed he's going to get ahead of me he's going to earn it And how many times have you done this, when you kind of see someone trying to merge over, they got their signal on. And you're like, oh, no, you're not getting on before I get by you. Right? And you're like an on-ramp snob. You're like, oh, no way. No way, man.

Look at that guy in my rearview mirror. Huh? He's not getting ahead of me. You know, much time I put in on this damn highway? Young whippersnapper just comes right up and thinks he can just get on in front of me. Oh, get the hell off my highway, you little bastard. Come on, let me in.

Please just let me in. I just want to, why can't I drive with everyone else? Please, guys. Guys, please. Come on, guys. Guys. got my signal on and it can be scary getting on that ramp because sometimes you got people that just like they're even worse like hell no you're getting on this highway oh ram right through

your ass and you're like holy god right and sometimes you got to like actually like swerve back You're not even on the ramp anymore. You're like actually swerving on to the show. You're like, whoa, that guy wasn't going to let me on. You actually didn't get over on the shoulder. See, he didn't get rammed. Hell yeah, if I let that some bitch get on my highway. Hell no, I get home before he does some bitch.

So I don't know, man. and it's always one of the other when you're the guy merging on you feel like oh please let me on I'm just a friendly guy I just want to drive with you guys but when you're like Jekyll and Hyde when you're the other guy

you're like hell no on top to the blinker so yeah we we're Jekyll and Hyde it were either the victim or the assailant and it's crazy

But I guess that's driving That's driving On the Harlan Highway Some bitch Get off my podcast Ah Meow Hey

Hey Harlan This is Kendall up here In Idaho Just heard you a little bit about baby wipes And I gotta tell you man They do do a great job Keep it up buddy Bye.

Hey, Harlan. Love your podcast, and so does my daughter, Mariah. She's 13 years old, and she has a great impression for you to hear. It's actually, what's it called, Mariah? It's a Target lady from SNL. So I hope that you enjoy it. Love you. Here we go.

Hello, I like to entertain a ghost by singing Christmas Christmas. kill sometimes. The weather outside is frightful, but the fair is so delightful, except when you're into it snur, let it snur, let it snur. Love you, Harland. Have a great day. Hey, Harlan, this is Royal from Pennsylvania. Listen, I was calling to give you the great news. I didn't shit my pants today. So, um, by the way, I think you look like a young Robert Mitchum. Anyway, oh, I think I might have spoken to. Okay, I got to go.

Thanks. Arlen Williams, I have a question. Do salamanders salivate? Or do salivanders salamate? Wow. Almost too easy. Uh, the answer is neither. The answer is salad bars masturbate.

Um, where do you think all that creamy dressing comes from? Hello, hello, a little dirty. Hello. Uh, you asked, I just provide the answers. Uh, great impressions. Uh, great to hear the younger set getting involved on the highway. Thank you for your impression of the, uh, Target lady. And for the gentleman that accidentally shit his pants, I have some advice from one of our other callers.

I just heard you a little bit about baby wipes. And I got to tell you, man, they do do a great job. So there you go. Some more listener voicemails. Wow. Are you starting to get an idea of who listens to the Harlan Highway? I'll tell you who. Great people.

Thank you so much. If you want to call in 888-52090 is the number, and you might hear yourself on the old highway. And if you're too shy to call, you can always write at harlomwilliams.com. Scree! Scree! Yeah, that's my falcon impression, people.

Anybody ever seen a falcon? I saw one on the Discovery Channel. The Perrigan Falcon. Did you know about this one? The fastest creature on the planet? These things can fly at 100 miles an hour. They're breaking the speed limit, people. Can you imagine if you could fly that fast?

If I was a Perrigan Falcon, I'd fly right through people. I'd be hovering up above. Most birds of prey are looking for a mouse. A little rodent to munch. on. I'd just pick out someone I didn't like the look of. I don't like that hat, buddy. I'd go into a dive bomb. Here I go. Down, down, down, and... break through you. Like a bullet. Huh. You won't even know it till like 30 seconds later you just see some feathers float in front of your face and go...

What's that bird of prey? open ribcage smell. Then you'd look down and see a Thanksgiving turkey-sized hole in the middle of your chest. Be the last thing you see before you had dropped on the sidewalk. And then you'd be staring up at the sky. I'd be up there laughing like a falcon. I don't know how falcons laugh, but I think that was pretty close. so watch out I'm gunning for you people

I'm a paragon falcon I'm going a hundred miles an hour along the Harlan highway You know There's another kind of bird That gets the opposite treatment Instead of it taking us out We take it out And as dangerous as the falcon may be

I might have stumbled on a bird Even more dangerous Check it out There is a bird that we consume called chicken, right? We've all eaten a chicken. Not you. All right, relax. Pup yours.

So check it out. This place near where I live, a chick fillet. It's like fast food chicken. It's a drive-through joint. Pretty popular chick filet. Okay. And there's one in Los Angeles that they open. It's in a popular location.

It's in a busy location. And I'm driving through the other evening. I think, you know, give me a little chicken fillet, a breast. A chicken breast laying upon a bun. No biggie. Right? Laid back. Easy order.

Off you go, right? Well, I don't think so. Check it out. This is one of those places where there's a drive-through element, and then there's the sit-inside element, and then there's the sit-out side element. So there's three places you can get your food, okay? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. One item.

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and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And as I said, this was in a busy place, on a busy intersection. I'm slowly inching my way up to the drive-thru window. I see a security guard walking around, you know, hanging right outside the window, right by the drive-thru. I'm like, okay, I guess there's maybe a little traffic,

and, you know, you never know. It's Los Angeles, it's Hollywood There's always a bunch of nut jobs So, okay, I get it You know, you got some guy that's a presence He's got the little blue security jacket on And then wait a minute I take a second look

And this guy's packing a Glock And if you don't know what a Glock is It's a German-engineered handgun Police issue He's got a Glock hanging on a belt in a holster on his side. And I'm like, what the hell kind of world do we live in now? That in order for me to go get a coal sloth, some waffle fries,

and a three and a half dollar chicken tit, I got to have a guy, an armed escort. Sir, your chicken tit is ready. Just see the man with the gun and be on your way. I mean, holy God. I've been to banks, and there's no, not even is there not a guard. There's not a guard with a gun. Okay, you're talking about a bank with, you know, potentially millions of dollars sitting there.

I got a teller with some eye makeup on and some lipstick. I got a skinny guy in a suit with a ballpoint pen. I can't tell you the last time I've been in a bank and I saw an armed guard or even a guard, period. And I'm going over to get a chicken tit on a bun, a chick-fil-A, and here's a guy strapping a 45 magnum. Go ahead, make my chicken breast. I mean, that is a little scary, man.

I think this world's got his priorities mixed up, at least this country. We must guard the gold bouillon. I don't think so, man. There's a Burger King down the road. I stand corrected. We must guard the McNuggets. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I mean, wow.

And I got, I'm sorry. I'm going to say it, but, you know, I'm not a huge champion of the low-rent security guard. And maybe you're one listening right now. And maybe we have to do a reality check. You can be on your shift at the mall or at a parking lot. Maybe you're listening to the Harlan Highway. And I don't mean to be offensive, but let's be real. Look in the mirror or look down at your body.

Are you over 60? Are you overweight? Are you someone who never really engaged in physical activity or sports of any kind? Because let's be honest, as well-intentioned as mall security guards are, they ain't UFC fighters, okay? They're kind of the kids that couldn't get a job anywhere else. they definitely couldn't get a job with true law enforcement

and so guess where they're garden Burger King, Wendy's, Target, Walmart and God bless you for doing an honest day's work but where I'm going with this is you might not be qualified to be wearing a big fat loaded gun on your waist okay you probably didn't go through the police academy

to be garden the Wendy's Swiss mushroom melt okay you might not have the psychological needs or integrity of a tried and true

police officer that's gone through many years of training and you know and I got to say If someone gets in a gunfight over a cheeseburger, if pistols are ablazing because a shamrock shake didn't come out right,

or someone's in a tussle with the counter help over how warm their fries are, hey man, I told you I want my fries hot. Well, sir, they just came up. They're not hot enough for me. Draw, bitch. right so a little bit frightening um and uh just kind of tells you where the world's at it man honey get the rifle what for well what the hell do you think man we're going over to dairy queen

okay and speaking of wanting to shoot something it's the second friday of the second Friday of the second Friday and every second Friday I have to sit down with his jack knob therapist I have to sit down with Dr. Ascott

thank you alland and do a therapy session because the powers the be that run the podcast think I have a nut loose and so I don't They think I'm a liability, so I've got to do therapy. So let me get it over with... Here we go, my stupid therapy session with Dr. Ascot.

Hello, Alland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Alland. I said hello. Oh,land. What's wrong? I'm just tired I'm feeling a little tired

Ohland Why are you so tired I don't know Just been working a lot I'm working hard on the podcast And I just haven't been getting much sleep Have you tried counting sheep Alland

Yes I've tried counting sheep I've tried the warm milk I've tried listening to soft music All of it Holland? What? Have you tried simple backwards-forward's sleep reduction? No, I don't even know what that means.

Holland, what you do is you fixate on an object, and you keep narrowing it down until it becomes so insignificant. It forces you to go to sleep. Arland. Okay, what is this? Holland. What does that mean to me? Perhaps we should try it, Arland,

and see if it helps you fall asleep. I would try anything at this point, okay? Excellent, Arland. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to close your eyes, lean back, and listen to my voice, and focus intensely on what I'm saying. Okay.

Here we go, Arland. I want you to picture a large empty field. Okay. And in the middle of the field, Arland, is an apple tree. Okay. Now, move in on the apple tree, Arland. Oh, okay. Excellent.

Now, move up to one of the branches, Arland. Okay. Now, go along one of the branches and get to one of the apples, Arland. Okay. Excellent, Arland. Now just focus on that one apple. Okay. now just look at the leave on the apple focus on the leave of the apple focus on the leave of the apple

alland okay your eyes should just about be going to sleep allan just about asleep Well, the last thing, I want you to focus on seeing your grandmother's pruny, wrinkled, vainy ass cheeks stuffed through a drive-thru window, Arland, with mustard and sweet and sour dipping sauce all over them. What? What? God, what the hell did you just say? I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall in two days. deep of a sleep that you missed our session,

Arland. That is disgusting. You lure me into a sleep. I almost get there and then you'd come at me with... What is it? Your grandmother's ass being stuffed through a drive-through window, Arland, covered with ketchup, diced onions, and marmalade. You are sick. Get out of here.

Holland. Close your eyes. And think of the wart Just above the ass crack Of your grandmother's vainy SpongeBob-looking ass Get out of here! I'm not doing this! Now I don't want to go to sleep ever!

Focus in on the hair sticking out of that big brown wart Right at the edge of Granny's crack junction. Get out! Don't fall in, Arland. You might never come out. Get out! It smells like cream of mushroom soup down there, Arland.

Get out! Great. Thank you for calling my house. This is Misty. Can I help you? Hi, this is Jerry. Who's this place? I'm sorry? This is Jerry. Who's this I'm talking to? This is Misty. Hi, Misty. This is Jerry. I'm coming. in on my truck in just a few minutes.

I was wondering, y'all carry wookie waffles? I'm sorry, sir. Y'all carry wookie waffles over there at the Waffle house? Do we serve waffles? Wookie waffles, you know. No. You don't have, how about blueberry wookie waffles? No, sir.

Chocolate chip wookie waffles? No, sir. No, me, me, whee. Hello? Yes. Hi, how about Jedi Space Waffles? I'm sorry. Nope.

Okay, well maybe I'll just pull into Taco Bell and have a big fat burrito. Okay. I love you. Thank you so much. Ah, yes, a classic prank phone call from the vaults, the old Wookie Waffle. A podcast fave, thought I'd replay that one. for you to end the show out, just so we can clear Dr. Ascot out of our heads. God. And if you need to clear your head this weekend, my God, folks, tonight, tomorrow night, and Sunday night, yours truly, at the Fuddy Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio.

Don't miss that. Get your tickets. Go online. And then the following week, my first time. I'm ever doing stand-up in Oregon or oregano or however you say it. However you say it, it's going to be spicy. I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. And you can go to heliumcomedy.com or call 888-643-869

and reserve your tickets because it is going to be jammed, packed, baby. that's helium comedy.com and that'll be November 17th, 18th, and 19th. And then this weekend, Columbus Funny Bone in Ohio, November 11, 12, and 13. Hope to see you there. It is going to be fun. And don't forget, oh my gosh, coming up, Thanksgiving isn't far away. And you know what that means? It'll be the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade.

We do it every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We have John Walters and John Starter out there commentating on the fabulous parades. Always incredible. So that'll be coming up later in the month for Thanksgiving, the Harland Highway Thanksgiving parade. You don't want to miss them. Unbelievable. Always eventful, always out of control. And don't forget to visit us. Visit us at harlough williams.com.

You can check out the web store there. Get your early gift ideas gone for the holidays for Christmas. Get your orders in early so we can ship them out in time to you. And don't forget, you can always leave a voicemail at 880. 52090 or write us at harlan williams.com we love hearing from you because this show is for you tell your friends about the harland highway don't be selfish and uh i just want to say thanks again for being here um love having you on board we're going to keep the action coming but for now we got to put it to bed until next time chicken

Chau mean, baby. Do we start waffles? Wookie waffles, you know. Brzee, br-hr-h-de-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h... No.