The Harland Highway - PODCAST 346

Episode Date: November 14, 2011

Tanning salon fiasco, the Michael Jackson verdict, plane tires, the Honey Badger guy. WOOOOOOOONNNNK!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet Lord Almighty, it's the Harland Highway podcast, and sweet Lord Almighty, if I'm not Harlan Williams. Or I think I'm like an Irish priest. What the hell's wrong with me today? A thousand apologies before we even get started, not a good sign. Um, but I will try to turn things around here by talking about tanning salons. Have you ever been in a tanning salon? Wait do you hear about my freakish experience in a tanning salon? Not healthy. The Honey Badger?

Have you heard about the Honey Badger? I'm going to play a clip from the Internet sensation, The Honey Badger, and tell you about a little meeting I had. And then plane tires, man. We all fly, we all motor around the planet. But have you ever looked out the window and seen the tires on a plane? Scary! And then, yes, the Michael Jackson verdict came in recently.

The doctor who was accused of manslaughter, killing Michael Jackson. And I'm going to have some thoughts about that, some long-winded thoughts about the verdict, about what happened, about innocence and guilt right here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate

One cheeseburger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it. Hey plus hey equals hey hey hey. Hey, hey everybody.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. I hope you're driving along safely. Yeah, that's right. I said driving. Because better you're driving than you're flying. Are we all terrified of flying at this point? with all the terrorism and the hair gel bombs and the alquaitas. You know, though, there's something that predated all this flying fear.

Think about the construction of an airplane. What happened did a bunch of engineers get together and say, let's take this 300-ton chunk of metal, fill it up with human lives, we'll slap four jet engines on the side, load it up with gasoline, stuff all the people we can in there, put it way up into the sky,

and just to make it a little wacky, let's put some skateboard wheels on there. Huh? Let's have this thing land on skateboard wheels. Have you seen airplane wheels, people? Aren't they a little disproportionate compared to the rest of the job? giant plane that you stood it up would be higher than a couple of blue whales at a whale

circus? I mean, the wheels are teeny tiny wheels. I don't want to land on wheels. I don't want to land on chocolate donuts. What about those giant coal mining trucks, the strip mining trucks with the wheels that are about the size of a two-story house? Why aren't those on the plane? Can we get someone back to the drafting table and work this out, people. For now, I'm recommending until they come up with wheels that are bigger than the ones on the car

you're sitting in right now, in fact, the wheels on your car are probably about 50 times bigger than those of a jumbo jet. And I don't think your car is coming in any time soon from 60,000 feet. So until they change

the tires, until they get into the pep boys, stay on the Harland Highway and drive. We, the jury in the above entitled action, find the defendant, Conrad Robert Murray, guilty of the crime of involuntary manslaughter, infallation of penal code section 192 subsection B, alleged victim Michael Joseph Jackson. Okay, it's a big story. I guess we got a taco. about it, you know, that took a few days to let it gestate to digest this whole verdict thing. And how do you feel? Are you happy this doctor was convicted of manslaughter?

Or do you think it's unjust? You know, it's never easy to know exactly what happened in all these scenarios, you know, even though a room full of expert, so-called expert lawyers, find a way to break all the facts down and bring all the evidence to the surface. There's always a lot of gray areas, so you don't really know. And that being said, here's my thoughts on it. And keep in mind when I talk about this, that I don't know Michael Jackson. I don't know who he is.

I don't know what he did. I don't know Conrad Murray. I don't know what he did. But here's what I kind of feel as an outsider looking in at the whole thing. And keep in mind that Michael Jackson was a very public figure and a lot of the ups and downs of his. life were presented to us and uh i can't help but think you know here's a doctor okay a professional a long uh long resume a long career um you know probably competent uh sounds like nobody else came

out of the woodwork to complain about them i don't know for sure but none of it seemed to come up in the trial that anything that was too damning to the guy so here he is he's brought in by you know arguably one of the top you know stars music sensations in the world obviously michael's star has faded over the over the years but still you can't deny wherever the guy goes he draws a huge reaction, a huge crowd, and he's got that megastar status, right? Now, another thing we know is that, and this is, I'm only basing this on, you know, tabloids and newspapers and radio and TV and actually seeing documented footage of Michael. I think we've all seen footage of him.

There was a scenario where he was in court and had to give some testimony, and he was zoned out. He was like, I have, I have absolutely nothing to do with, I don't know. You know, there was that thing. If you go online, you can probably find it where he is just stoned beyond stoned. Okay, and it sounds like it was no secret that he had a dependency problem, that he loved his drugs, whatever they were.

He craved them. Now, it doesn't sound like they were like hallucinics, like LSD and pot and, you know, heroin. But it sounded like he had a cocktail of, you know, the other drugs that are legal, you know, like pills and depression medicine and sleep medicines and, you know, a whole laundry list of stuff. And again, I don't know for sure,

but it sounds like it looks like that was part of his life. And, you know, you match that up with, his other troubles, you know, the molestation charges, and you match that up with his kind of bizarre lifestyle, you know, camping in trees and sleeping with young kids and, you know, chopping his face up and sleeping in chambers. And maybe that has nothing to do with this, but it shows you that you have an eccentric human being,

an eccentric character, and Megastar, and, you know, probably in the last decade or two, we saw examples of him not really being too savvy with his finances, with his money, throwing it around. There was that CBS special where he just wandered into an antique shop and threw down a million dollars on a whim. So I'm not kind of just pulling this stuff out of the air. I'm kind of putting together a portrait of how I interpret the guy.

And again, I can be wrong because I don't want to condemn anyone or damn anyone if I've never been there. If I haven't seen it hands-on, it's no secret how the media can manipulate anybody or anything. But here's where it gets foggy to me. Okay, you have this megastar, and the megastar has his problems. He's at a point in his life where he probably gets anything he wants from anybody. And what he wants, dare I say, he needs is more of his wacky, you know, concoctions of drugs, prescription drugs, or whatever they are. So he's at a place where, you know, maybe reality's a little bent. I think we can all agree that he had a pretty interesting bend on reality.

And some of it great. I loved some of it. And other parts of it, I was just like, what the hell? So you got to take into account. Here's a guy who had a record of it's, I think the drug is propanol or something. I'm not saying it properly, I don't think. But it's a drug that they use to knock you out when you go into a hospital and undergo surgery or some kind of medical procedure.

And I guess Michael, from the facts that I heard, had sleeping problems. He was craving sleep, okay? And all the Nyquils and all the ambians and, you know, hitting them over the head with a wooden mallet just wasn't enough. I mean, this guy needed to be put out, okay, in order to get sleep, which is a dangerous thing. But here we go. Michael signed up for this.

Michael wanted this. Michael requested these drugs. So enter somebody, whether it be a professional doctor, whether it be a shady drug dealer, whether it be a maid, whether it be his brother or sister, somebody somewhere had to fill that void for Michael. Michael had to find somebody to get him. what would probably be illegal to anyone else, this bizarre way of falling to sleep and get the propanol or whatever it's called.

And being the megastar he is, being the charismatic character that he is, having the money and the power and the influence, it was just a matter of time until he kind of found a patsy that did his bidding. So here comes Conrad Murray and I was like, well, what's that of $150,000 a week? Well, certainly I'll take that money.

I mean, you know what I mean? If you drop a worm in a fish tank and wiggle it around long enough, a fish is going to bite the worm. He's going to take the bait. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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Liam Neeson. Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly Dog. Not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. So Michael needed someone to facilitate either his drug habits or his dependence or his cravings or his needs for these obscure drugs that shouldn't be in a private citizen's home. And he found a guy. Conrad Murray stepped up to the gate. And so suddenly Conrad Murray's pulled into Michael's world. He's doing Michael's bidding and it's his choice. know, it's not like he didn't know what he was getting into. But I guess my point here is, at what point, you know, and this may sound a little harsh,

but I think it's a reality, at what point is Conrad Murray guilty? Or at what point you have to look at a guy like Michael Jackson or other, you know, big huge celebrities and rock stars and actors who have messes. up their own lives with drug use and found a way to kill themselves from Elvis to Kirk Cobain to Heath Ledger to I mean you know there's a whole list of them and so at what point you go you know what it was going to happen no matter what Michael Jackson was going to pull somebody in there and somebody was going to help facilitate his his drug lust his need for these substances

and you know, it was just a matter of time until someone else was out in the hallway on their phone or someone else was, you know, not paying attention or looked the other way. You know, you're talking about bringing people into administer stuff that you're not supposed to be

putting into your system. And if you're going to initiate that, If you're going to bring someone into your fold and say, hey, I know you're a doctor and I know you're probably not supposed to do this. And, you know, I realize you're kind of, you know, probably being allured by the money and my fame and my stature. I'm going to need you to put a little pokey, pokey in my arm and help me go to sleep with the, you know, the stuffy, stuffy.

And here's a guy that, you know, probably had stars in his eyes and the money. and he thought, ah, how hard is this gig? The skinny little guy who sings, you know, Jacko needs a little, I stick a little pin in his arm. Bingo, he's asleep. I go make some phone calls, watch some TV, some Pringles. He wakes up, I do it again the next day. And so you got to go, okay, he's a doctor, he was careless,

he's a professional, he should, what was he supposed to be standing over, Michael? Like all night for eight of? hours? Is that how it worked? Or was Michael just the guy saying, you know what? Give me this stuff and get out. I want to sleep and privacy. I don't want someone standing over me. You know, it just becomes a blur of what's right and, you know, who's to blame? And of course, the guy's to blame from a medical profession, from a professional point of view, he's to blame. Yes.

even from an ethical point of view he shouldn't have done that but you've got to factor in the whole whirlwind of Michael Jackson and go didn't this guy just kind of whip up his own ending in a way by opening the door to this stuff by letting it into his life

by hiring Conrad Murray or whoever else you would have got if Conrad Murray didn't do it is it that different than if someone has a her dealer and eventually they take one too many hits of heroin and it's OD time baby is it that different of someone supplying you pills and cocaine and there's that one snort that so-and-so gave you and it's just enough to put you over the edge the only difference here is that those guys live in

the shadows and they're not professionals and Conrad Murray is a professional and should have known better, but he got pulled in to this kind of world generated by Michael Jackson. And so, yes, he's guilty, yes, he's going to jail, but part of me's like,

really? I mean, didn't this just kind of get initiated at the source? Wasn't somebody going to go down? Wasn't it just written on the wall that one of these days you were just going to die, Michael?

Your body is frail. You're a fragile guy. You're already kind of in a weird world where, you know, from what I've seen, and again, I can't prove it, but from what I've seen, it looks like you've been cranked up on a lot of stuff over the years. Reports coming out say that you had dependencies. I don't know. And here goes this Conrad Murray guy, you know,

and in a way it's like, you know, might be. Michael had such stature, such holier than thou's stature that people can't believe he's immortal, that a mortal, that he just died. Why? Because he wrote some catchy pop tunes. That makes him an immortal? No, he's immortal, but people were like, oh, my God, that guy doesn't, the king of pop just doesn't die. Nail someone to the cross. Who did this to Michael?

Who murdered Michael Jackson? And you have to go, well, didn't Michael kind of start the ball rolling when he opened the door and started asking for this shit and doing this stuff? And Conrad Murray was just the guy handing him the baton. You want it, Michael. This is why you hired me. Here it is.

So I don't know. That's the foggy area that I'm throwing out there for discussion. Where does the blame really lie? I'm not going to sit here and go, Conrad Murray's innocent and Michael Jackson's guilty, but it almost feels like they were partners in crime, that it was a deadly dance that they did together. And they both knew the ramifications. But Michael's gone, and so, hey, Conrad Murray, you're the mastermind of this.

You're the brainchild. you murdered Michael Jackson. And I don't know. It feels foggy. It feels like where's the accountability for Michael? You know, is this more of this celebrity justice where, oh, Michael was an angel. He loved children. He was the king of pop.

He wrote Thriller. Do you not know he wrote thriller about a boy who turns into a werewolf and becomes a zombie and dances through the streets? with the undead. Do you not understand who this man is? Do you know that Billy Jean is not his lover? I mean, this is a man who looked in the mirror. He would not do this to himself. Well, I beg to differ.

And, you know, that's my commentary on it. And I'm going to say one more time that not being, there not knowing Michael I can't prove any of this this is just kind of my beating around the bushes thoughts about it and uh you know people get very impassioned about Michael Jackson there might be people listening right now going oh my god how can he talk about Michael Jackson like that I'm never listening to this podcast again what the hell's the matter with him Michael Jackson well you know what here's here's Michael Jackson well you know what here's Michael Jackson Pitcher Michael Jackson with his pants down sitting on the toilet dropping a deuce.

That's how you get over celebrity. Okay, next time you see a celebrity or think someone's holier than the rest of us or bigger than the rest of us, picture Bruce Willis, Michael Jackson, Clark Gable, Pamela Anderson, Hillary Clinton. just picture them sitting on the throne dropping one right and that kind of brings it all crashing home that we're all just the same so if you're gonna get all fired up about Michael Jackson guy that wrote some catchy pop tunes is holier than the rest of us uh-uh wrong he's just another guy that had some talent and we all enjoyed his talent he touched all of us probably He did some great music, but at the end of the day, when the lights go off, the show's over, man. He's just a guy that goes home and makes a peanut butter sandwich and watch his celebrity apprentice and goes to sleep. Well, apparently not. Had trouble going to sleep. And then he went to sleep permanently.

I rest my case. There you go. you hear that people that's the winds the cold winds of winter starting to move in fall and then winter no more tanning no more laying out and getting crispy brown people winter time and then it's time for the tanning salon isn't it that's always weird people tanning in the middle of winter who's buying that some guy in the middle of january christmas just finished and he's standing there looking like a golden retriever hey jim where were you jamaica no just down the street a tantastic oh okay yeah you want to see my tan line uh i'm busy jim no come on look at it's really sweet no i'm

i'm good jim no it goes right around my uh package here and uh right up my my uh you know the thong highway no jim really i'm i'm just gonna finish my my dinner here and you just keep it in your pants there brownie mcclowny i did it i went to the tanning salon man i can't sit here and say i didn't i didn't know how it worked does anyone know how it works if you've never been there it's kind of weird i show up i didn't know how anything worked. And the dumb girl that worked there, I don't know if she was new or what, but she didn't tell me where those little goggles go. You know those little bug-eyed goggles you put on your eyes? She didn't tell me. I accidentally put them somewhere else. Yeah. I put them on my

squirrel food, if you know what I mean. What do squirrels eat? Yeah, they like to eat nuts. And I'd put my little goggles all my squirrel food hello i tan up for like two hours take the goggles off holy smokes i get home that night get naked in front of my lady she kicks me right between the legs i thought a giant dragonfly was loose in the room big greasy dragonfly with big glowing eyes yeah that's right i said giant dragonfly people okay yeah I'm just looking out for you be your own pasty white

pretend your powder from the movie powder and go down in the basement and bend some utensils with your mind oh yeah right in the dragonfly and speaking of nature have you guys and I'm sure you have

because it's like an internet sensation or sensation, I said sensation, maybe it is a sin. But have you seen those little videos about the honey badger? Right, the guy does the commentary as you're watching the nature footage of the honey badger? Take a listen. This is the honey badger. Watch it run in slow motion. It's pretty badass.

Look, it runs all over the place. Whoa, watch out, says that bird. Ew, it's got a snake. Oh, it's chasing a jackal. Oh, my gosh. Oh, the honey badgers are just crazy. The honey badger has been referred to by the Guinness Book of World Records as the most fearless animal in all of the animal kingdom. It really doesn't give a shit. If it's hungry, it's hungry. Ew, what's that in its mouth? Oh, it's got a cobra. Oh, it runs backwards. Now watch this. Look, a snake's up in the tree. Honey badger don't care. Honey badger don't give a shit. shit, it just takes what it wants. Whenever it's hungry, it just, ew, and it eats snakes? Oh my God, watch it dig. Look at that digging. The honey badger is really pretty badass. They have no regard for any other animal whatsoever. Look, and it's just grunting and, ew, eating snakes. Ew, what's that a mouse? Oh, that's nasty. Oh, they're so nasty. Oh, look, it's chasing things and eating them. The honey badgers have a fairly long body, but a distinctly thick set, broad shoulders, and, you know, their skin is loose, allowing them to move about freely, and they twist around. Now look, here's a house full of bees. You think the Honey Badger cares? It

doesn't give a shit. It goes right into the house to bees to get some larva. How disgusting is that? It eats larva. Ew, that's so nasty. But look, the Honey Badger doesn't care. It's getting stung like a thousand times. It doesn't give a shit. It just, it's hungry. Doesn't care about being stung by bees. Nothing can stop the hump. honey badger when it's hungry. Oh, what a crazy fuck. Look. Ew, it's eating larva. That's disgusting. There it is, running in slow motion again. See? Now, what's interesting is that other animals like these birds here, they just like to wait around until the honey badger's done eating, and then it swoops in to pick up the scraps. It says, you do all the work for us, honey badger, and we'll just eat

whatever you find. How's that? What do you say, stupid? Look at this bird. Thanks for the treat, stupid. Hey, come back here, says the honey badger. Birds don't care. And you know what? The jackals do it too. Look at these little dogs. Look at these little dogs. Oh, look at the honey badger.

Hilarious. It's narrated by a guy named Randall. Okay? And it's kind of an internet sensation. And nobody knows who this Randall guy is. Nobody's met him. Nobody knows what he looks like. Dot, dot, dot.

Except, hello. Yours truly. Yeah, that's right. I actually had a meeting with Randall yesterday. I sat in an office and we chatted for about an hour or more. And I can't even tell you what it's about. I can't tell you what the meeting was about. I can't tell you who he is.

I'm not going to tell you what he looks like. It's a secret. But I know who he is. And you're like, I don't give a crap. And I'm like, okay. But I think it was kind of cool. He was such a nice guy, funny guy. And, you know, the meeting happened for a reason.

I'm not going to say anything about it just yet. But hopefully somewhere down the road, I will have some news about it. But I'm not going to pop the bubble. I'm not going to give a... I could be a spoiler right now and tell you everything about Randall. Uh-uh. All I can tell you.

as he talks like this. Look at the honey badger. What a badass. He doesn't give a shit. All right. There is. That's my impression of Randall. And I just was telling you because I was excited, you know.

I had never met him. Nobody really has. And I had a fun little meeting with Randall. And I'll keep you posted on the Honey Badger activities coming up. and we'll leave it right there. This little honey badger has to go dig a hole because, hey, this podcast is over. We are at the end of the road here, everybody.

So thank you so much for coming along for the ride and tell your friends, tell your family about the Harlan Highway. Get everyone on here. Gather around your podcast, one and all. Um, and, uh, please keep in mind that this weekend, I will be at the Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. Oh, yes. Portland, Oregon. Who's your bitch now, dog?

I don't know why I did that, but, uh, so check it out. That'll be, uh, Thursday, November 17th through Saturday, the 19th. And it's going to be a good time, baby. um so check it out check out harlem williams.com get your orders in at our store for your christmas gifts get them in early so we can ship them out early uh my book the things you don't know you don't know my movie fudgey wudgy fudge face we got rocket man on there we got t-shirts CDs all kinds of fun stuff um so check that out uh don't forget you can write me at harlem williams or give us a call 88852090 that's all i got till next time chicken chalman baby thanks stupid thanks for the

mouse see you later