The Harland Highway - PODCAST 347

Episode Date: November 16, 2011

Listener Mailbag, scarecrows, fat solutions, residue food, Gatorade. What a wonderful walnut fest!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail. That way I could smash you in the head over and over. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. What a dopey beginning, but aren't they all? Thanks for being here, wherever you are, cutting grass, shingling a roof, working in an office, walking your dogs, sitting on the throne. We welcome you here. because what a show what a show we have today

we're going to be getting into your letters it's a listener mailbag today not the whole show but part of it we will read some of your letters on the air and respond to them accordingly and we're going to be talking about scarecrow's man there's an obscure kind of topic but yeah they exist

and I'm going to talk about them up yours that's not nice And then it's something that I said I won't talk about much, but I have to because I saw some commercials for some stuff. We're going to be talking about fat people. If you're getting fat and some of the procedures around losing fat. That's what I'm kind of going to be ripping on. And then we're going to be talking about drinks and what happens to drinks and what they look like when you're not drinking them. We're going to be talking about Gatorade, and I'm getting thirsty just talking about, so let's go.

It's the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien.

It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it! How you doing out there today, folks? This is Harland Williams. You're riding on the Harland Highway. Where are you riding? Are you on my highway?

Are you riding somewhere else? You're riding through the country. You're going through the fields of corn and wheat and beans and lettuce. Through beets and cabbage, carrots and turnips. You're driving through a salad, people. you're in the twilight zone and you're caught in a giant salad bar at the sidepost up ahead

your next stop ranch dressing and look at that standing out there and all that fresh produce a scarecrow ooh oh I'm I'm not going on that field there's a guy in a pair of old

Sears tough skins and a checkered shirt crazy old hat oh look out Can't go steal some beans from that field. On top of everything else, he's crucified in a field, stuck on a cross or something. How scary is a guy that can't even move? Scarecrow. Crows aren't scared of scarecrows, man.

Crows flying overhead. Hey, we better not go down to that field. There's that guy that's been standing in the exact same spot for 20 years, and has never flinched an iota we better not go there isn't a scarecrow just about as good as a tree trees move more than scarecrows scarecrows don't even scarecrows you know what they do they attract homeless people it's what scarecrows do they attract homeless people think about it you're a homeless guy you're wandering around down the road there's a brand new set of clothes for you in a field full of food what could be more ideal?

for you? Huh? Some Sears tough skins and some yummy corn to nibble on. You're just attracting homeless guys when you put a scarecrow up. You may be scaring the crows. You've got a bunch of hobos singing campfire songs out in your corn. Oh boy, corn, rows of corn. This is, and this is a safety tip for you folks. Don't ever do this. Don't ever get naked and run around backwards through corn that is that's a that hurts i've never done it but i've heard tail i've heard tale of it happening do not run around naked backwards through the corn Letters, oh, we get letters, we get letters, we get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today, reach right hand and pull one out.

Those letters, I love those letters, let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy! Mailman, mail today. All right, all right, all right. Here we go with your letters that you send into me at harlandwilliams.com. And these are wonderful letters. I read them all. I can't read them all on the air because we get too many,

but I pick them out and, you know, try to get to as many as I can. Let's start off with some good news. I love this letter. is from Veronica, who writes all the time. She knows who she is. And good news, she wrote to me subject, Shark Finn. And she says, hey, kid, I like that. I'm only 13.

Hey, kid, good news. Toronto banned Shark Finn Soup. Take care, Veronica. How about that? Yeha! Ah, for those of you that have been following the highway, from time to time, I go on rants about how horrible shark fin soup is. It's a soup made out of actual shark fins.

The processes, they pull sharks out of the water, cut their fins off, throw them back in the water alive, and they just flounder around and die. And it's horrible, and they're killing hundreds of millions of sharks a year. to make soup. And so I kind of started a little thing to try and get it stopped around the United States

and around the world. And it looks like Toronto, my hometown, which I'm kind of proud of, has banned shark fin soup. So good for you, Toronto. See, good things besides me do come out of Toronto. Isn't that wonderful? So big ground,

of applause. Thank you for letting me know. That is beautiful. And I couldn't be happier about that. So, uh, yehah. And speaking of Toronto, here we go with some more Toronto mail. This is from Joe Hammett. And Joe's subject is the maple leaves. Now, most of you are thinking, okay, trees wrong listen to his letter Harland how are you buddy I just watched your scene and dumb and dumber and could not stop laughing you did an awesome job in the scene well thank you very much I recently found out that you're from Toronto

and I just wanted to know as a Torontonian are you a Leafs fan as in the hockey team that Toronto Maple Leafs in case you don't know if you are do you remember the cup win of 1967 When do you think we will win the cup again? Joe from Toronto. Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. You know, anytime I tell people I'm from Toronto, they go,

oh, so your team's the Toronto Maple Leafs? And I go, no, it's not. The Toronto Maple Leafs have to earn my devotion. And I always say to them, yes, I'm a Leafs fan the day they get into the seven final games for the Stanley Cup. it has been like what 46 years since they've won that cup it's a disgrace it's shameful Toronto's the biggest city in Canada it's one of the birthplaces of professional hockey Toronto was one of the earliest teams to have a professional hockey team in the NHL for a while I think they have the second biggest record for Stanley Cups

and they were just the pride and glory of Toronto. And my whole life, they did not win that cup or barely come close. And let me sum it up for you. My cousin put it best. Okay, my cousin Chris, was a devoted Leafs fan. And we used to live together when we were in our like, you know, mid-20s. And Chris spent many years of his life watching every. game on TV.

And one day we were sitting around, eating a pizza, watching a game. I didn't watch them very much, but he was dedicated. And they lost again, and he just stood up and he goes, fuck this. I've lost 18 years of my life watching these fucking Leafs. That does it. It's over. And that was it. He stopped watching them.

But, you know, 18 years. and he's like, I lost 18 years of my fucking life watching these guys. And I was already ahead of that curve because I'd stopped watching them when I was like nine. So very frustrating. I don't know if you come from a whole town that has a team that never wins. I can only imagine it's like the Boston Red Sox. Remember how they never won anything for billions and billions of years? So there you go.

Thank you so very much, Joe from Toronto. Sharksfin soup is gone, and apparently so is any good hockey in Toronto. Maybe they should rename it the Toronto shark fins and eliminate them from the league. No, no. I still have hope, Joe. Okay, in the bottom of my heart,

there's a little drop of Maple Leaf fan in me. And like I say, the minute they get into that seven final games, I am all over them. And if they win the cup, that'll buy them five to ten years. And then I go back into my coma of not respecting them. All right. Good. Let's move on. Let's move on down the road and look at some more mail here.

What else do we have? Let's see here. All right. Here we go. Here is a letter from Dave Barry. And the subject is learning to work. Comments. I was listening to a podcast and you were noting your forestry work.

It really hit home. For myself, I think I focus on the dollars versus the sense of accomplishment for the work done well. The podcast shined a light on how I need to modify the way I do things. Thank you. Well, you know what? Hey, Dave, don't thank me. You know who you got to thank is that guy that I worked with that day. I did a little story about when I was a Forest Ranger and I was a slacker and the guy I was working with went 100%. And one day I decided to keep up with them and I realized the beauty and the reward of giving 100%. And that particular story seemed to resonate with you. with a lot of the listeners, and I'm glad it did because that moment in my life taught me a lot,

and it changed my attitude, and it changed my way of doing things for the rest of my life. And it's interesting to see that what that guy did is now still having an effect on other people. Even though you weren't there, I kind of transported you there with my story. So I'm excited to hear that it inspired you. And as I said, you can't thank me. You got to thank all the thanks. Goes to that guy who I can't remember his name. But when I was just a teenager, he taught me a lesson.

And I got to give thanks where thanks is due. And that's him. Whoever he is, wherever he is, he probably doesn't even know that he had an effect on me. but I'll thank them for you. Thank you, mystery, Forest Ranger guy. All right, let's keep going. A couple more here. Okay, let's see.

Here is, well, look at this. Another one from Veronica. I told you, she writes a lot, and she has good letters, and here's her topic on this one, baby wipes, comments, Dear Kid, and again, thank you. I'm only 13. Trust me, if you try huggies, baby wipes instead of toilet paper you will never go back i've used them since i was 16 and it's like

using toilet paper made from bunnies rubbed down with lanolin wow veronica how about that i did a thing about uh baby wipes on a recent podcast talking about how uh some girls that i know are obsessed with them. A lot of women seem to love them. And I'm just kind of scratching my head. But there's another woman, Veronica, standing by Bunny Lanolin Aswad. So thank you for that. And let's do one more letter here. And then get out of the listener mailbag. And why not go out with a feel-gooder? Let's go out. Let's, this is a little stroke fest here. I say, you know, I love getting your emails, and sometimes your emails just cheer me up. I mean, they always cheer me up, but sometimes, listen to this one.

This is from Jamie, and we're going to close with this one. Subject, you are the best, okay? Now, that starts off real nice to me. Comments, I just wanted to let you know that the Harland Highway is my favorite podcast. Genius. You are so funny and insightful, and I have a... of a grin, ear to ear every time I listen to your podcast. Thanks for doing such an awesome job.

I got to give myself some applause on that one. Come on, give me around. Thank you. And, Jamie, thank you. That's what I try to do here. Put a smile on your face. Maybe drop a little bit of insightfulness, if I could say it, insightfulness along the way.

And I'm glad you're loving it. Please tell your friends, don't be afraid to write. It's harlemwilliams.com. And that's it. That's all we got time for today. Let's close up the Harland Highway Mailbag. Another letter from our last year day. Hey, everybody.

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offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, man, those letters were fat, man. Those letters were just fat. Fat, fat. Yeah, I haven't talked about weight in a long time. I haven't talked about fat. Ff, Fatt. Okay, I actually got a letter or a voicemail from one of our listeners a while back reprimanding me for, you know,

being a little too over the head with the chubby people and I heard the message and I backed off, but there's a little thing going on, a little thing, and I'm going to talk about the fat here for a minute.

All right, I'm not going to be politically correct. I'm just saying it as it is. You eat too much, you get fat. Okay? You don't eat too much. You stay thin. Okay? And don't go looking for those pills. Oh, here's a pill.

I can still eat all I want and just eat one more thing. A pill. Chances are the pills just add into the calories. You were fat and then suddenly you're six ounces fatter because then you ate a pill that's a lie that doesn't make you lose weight. Just adds another six ounces to your roundness. And don't go get your stomach staple. Don't pull that one on me.

Oh, I've got a problem. I'm going to go get my stomach stapled. Stapled. You're getting staples put in your belly. Hey, why don't you go one step further, Chubby? Get your lips welded shot. Huh? You're going to get stapled.

Why don't I get welded? Just weld them lips shot. Or put a bunch of salt in there and sew them up. Just stitch them up like a zombie. Just wander around. sniffing food don't eat anything yeah I know it's harsh I'm being a little harsh but I'm looking out for I want you to be healthy and live long just cut back on all the goodies instead of three scoops get two giant ones instead of

the 12 ounce steak get the 11 just cut back people because I'm looking out for you here on the Harlan Highway pass the butter please yeah the whole brick And here's something that you don't even have to be overweight to get grossed out by. This is just food in general, all right? How many times have you had this happen where you, let's say you go to Starbucks or McDonald's or Baskin-Robbins or someplace, and you order like a fancy drink. Let's say you order a hot chocolate or you order a friend. Rappuccino, double-eye, tach, quake, twisty, mocha, twickle-dwackle, teradacto, frappuccino.

Or you're up asking Robbins and you get a chocolate, mint chocolate chip milkshake. Or you're a McDonald's and you get like a frozen lemonade or you get Wendy's and you get a frosty. And it looks delicious. You're like, oh, man, yum, yum, yum, you know, you're stuffing it in there. and let's say for whatever reason you don't finish it okay and you leave like a quarter of it in a glass or you leave half of it in the glass and you leave it on the counter and the next day or even a few hours later you wander into the room and there you see it you're like ah it looks like uh you know like a tarpit from the mezzozoic era you're expecting to see like raptors and saber-tooth taggers

trapped in the sludge sitting in that cup and have you seen how that delicious frosty or a milkshake or a fancy coffee drink breaks down once it kind of expires past its time of holding its composure oh man it is a concoction it is a concoction of mud and grease, and oil. It looks like a bad science experiment, man. It's just a plob of gunk sitting there.

Good Lord. You almost picture a mastodon trapped in it, you know, wiggling for its life. Sabretooth tigers circling your old frosty, waiting to move it. on the trapped mammoth stuck in your sludge drink ugh it is gross man and what's even grosser is when you think about it you you go wait a minute that was that was an hour ago I drank the top part of that is that what it looks like in my stomach right now ooh oh oh oh oh Charles Nelson

Riley oh oh oh oh oh I've got sludge in my belly, right? Because when you eat stuff, you're like, oh, man, awesome, delicious. Look at this, but you don't think about it afterwards when it's just sitting there, man, inside of you. Decomposing, breaking down. That's what it looks like. And sometimes you get glasses from wherever these places are, and they're clear. So you can see right through them, right?

Baskin-Robbins the milkshakes or sometimes you get coffee ones or whatever it is. And you're just like, oh, look at that dry foam and what's that? There's a layer of clear stuff. And then under that there's like pulp. And then on the fourth layer, there's like, oh, God, there's like mud and sludge. And I just, I think I'd dry heaved right there. I just dry heaved to talk to my podcast talking about this stuff. Oh, God.

Everyone's like, I'm never drinking coffee again. Thank you, Harlan. I will never, ever down another hot chocolate. Thank you, you, you dumb ass. I just loved my hot chocolate, and you just ruined it because you created all these layers of strata of mud sludge, and you threw in a woolly mammoth, and it's just horrible. Well, it's true, man.

And then how about this ice cream? You ever get ice cream? And you're scooping away in your kitchen and, you know, a little dollop lands on the counter on the tile. And you're like, ah, leave it. I got to go eat this delicious ice cream, man. And you come back like four hours later. And good luck getting that ice cream off your tile or the bottom of your sink or wherever it landed.

Holy God. Get the jackhammer out, baby. that stuff won't budge i mean that that stuff is like a thick colorful glue with with chocolate chips in it hey man is your sink broken no man i'm i'm keeping it together with mint chocolate chip man oh wow okay i wondered why that glue smelled so good man

yeah that's paskin robin's min chocolate chip man you think i could use some of that on like my canoe i put a hole in my canoe sure man i get some baskin robin's rocky road why don't you just patch that rate up dude yeah thanks man i mean what how does that stuff do in your stomach that ice cream just it's it's like an adhesive it's like super bond you you could put some on a guy's uh construction helmet and hang him from a beam off of a 50-story building. It's like crazy glue. And that's the stuff going into your gut.

Good night, Nelly Frittato. So I don't know, man. I'm not trying to turn you off. I'm just saying. It's kind of ghastly. Kind of like this whole podcast. Good Lord. Thank God we're at the end of it.

I need to go. I'm all fired up. I got to go get a hot drink. Maybe I'll go get a hot chocolate, okay, that's layer one, a liverware sandwich, layer two, some apple pie, layer three, and a Wendy's Frosty, layer four. Oh, my God. What does that look like? You might as well, like, cut open the center of the earth, and you'll see the same strata.

You'll see the same layers. oh god oh all right enough i'm gonna oh just i just drive heaved again i did i just say drive heaved yeah i'm driving right now down the harlan highway heaving wow okay well let's close it up this is enough enough mr williams what not enough you want more all right let's let's do a little more and we'll try and end on a nice clear drink that doesn't ferment and bubble and foam. And let's end on a nice, pure drink. Because after doing all this talking about drinking,

I'm thirsty. Work days over, I need a drink. And I don't mean booze. I ain't talking about the Hoochie Mama stuff. I'm not talking about a big old bottle of Uncle Nellie's wild sauce. Talking about Gatorade. Oh, yeah. I want some of that alligator grease, dribbling down my throat, replenishing my salt glands.

It's hard to buy Gatorade nowadays, isn't it? Remember the old days? You go in, Gatorade. What flavor you want? Green. Good, because that's all we make. Remember? Used to be green.

It's like, where's the Shrek pee at? Huh? I want the Shrek pee. And then they kind of started to sneak the orange in there. Hmm, orange. Okay, I can handle that. Two colors. You go in now, man. You hit 7-Eleven. There's like three million different flavors of Gatorade. They've got a flavor called Rain. Okay? They went out and collected rainwater and made it a Gatorade. They got Kiwi Lime. They got purple. They got Ice Blaster Blue. They got Terriaki Yellow.

They got lemonade. They got Limeade. They got orange mango. Tangerine, cranberry, walnut. Holy God. You could go in. You could go in and buy every flavor of Gatorade and drink it all at once. Have a sip out of each bottle. Technically, you'd be drinking a rainbow.

Imagine that. Drinking a rainbow. You'd be lucky if leprecha if lepracons didn't start jumping down your throat. Oh, catch the lucky rainbow. Archie barchy, flouchy to barchie. You pee a rainbow Gatorade

Oh, it's so complicated I don't know what flavor to get Should I have the peach mango Or the elevator grease Lickrish Gatorade Oh, I miss the old Shrek Pea Green

Oh, that's great Oh well At least you're getting your liquids here On the Harland Highway You dense, irritating Miniature Beast of Burden Oh God all right too too much talk of liquid let's let's get out on a solid a solid ending here

good night nelly frittato for the second time i don't know why i keep saying that i wonder if she's actually going to bed right now and i just all the tumblers in the universe aligned and i said good night nelly frittato just as she was putting her little greek head down on her little golden record pillow oh cute um all right let's do some announcements and get the hell out of dodge shall we um this weekend uh my first time up at the old uh comedy club in portland oregon it's called uh helium comedy club and i've never played it it's going to be a blast um and uh come on out if you live in the region it's going to be a great time uh that's uh november 17 18 and 19 going to be tearing it up and uh hope we see you out there um and don't forget to write to harlem williams dot com

um and also visit our web store for your christmas gift and holiday gift ideas don't forget if you get your uh your order in early you will receive your merchandise in time Our cut-off window is around December 13th. After that, we cannot be sure you'll get your stuff in time for Christmas. So get your orders in early. It happens every year. People get behind the eight ball, and we want to make sure you get your Harland merchandise. We've got videos, movies, T-shirts, CDs, DVDs, books, artwork, all that fun stuff.

and check it out. Also, Stitcher.com if you want to pick up the highway on your cell phone. And that's it, man. Don't forget we have the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade coming up next week. Oh, my God.

We're almost at Thanksgiving. If you believe it, next week will be the Thanksgiving Day parade here on the Harland Highway. You don't want to miss it, John. and John will be there calling out all the floats in all their glory, and I hope you can make it for that. And that's all we got.

I'm going to go get myself a big glass of rainbow juice. I hope you had a good time. We'll see you again next time right here on the Harlan Highway. And until then, chicken chowmaine, baby.