The Harland Highway - PODCAST 348

Episode Date: November 18, 2011

Stupid consumer purchases, a call to Dildo, Canada. Road hoggers, babies in the tummy, phone message menu, killing my cell phone. Bunk bed banana blisters!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord Almighty, build a fence and lock me in it. Not really, no. Then I might not be able to do the podcast. So scratch that and let's just go with, Welcome to the Harlan Highway. I am Harlan Williams. Hello, and here's what we got today. Phone message menus.

I'm going to be beaching about those annoying phone message menu option things you get when you go to leave someone a message. Very unnecessary. And I might even destroy my cell phone today. Yeah, I think I'll destroy it, and wait a see what I replace it with. Okay, I'm over all the cell phones and the technology. I'm replacing it with something else.

And I'm not buying a new one because we buy stuff for no reason. And I'm going to talk about that. You ever do that? You ever just buy something for no reason? an impulse buy. Happened to me. Wait, do you hear what I bought? And then, uh, roadhogs.

Do you get mad when people get in front of you, cut you off and waste your time? I do. I'm going to get into that. And, uh, how about babies? Anybody got a baby inside? Yeah. Interesting world. We're going to talk about that.

And then a funny little town with a funny little name and a funny little place. in a funny little place here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure to communicate One cheeseburger with everything

coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here.

Groving with you. Are you consuming what I'm saying? Are you consumers? We're a consumer society, right? We buy just about anything. We don't need it, but we buy it. You ever do that? You ever go into a store and you buy something you don't even need?

Hmm? We've all done it. Dig this. I went into a store the other night. It was a 24-hour drug store. I bought some cooking spray, a mop, and a home pregnancy test kit. Do I need it? No, but I get home, and I figure I don't want to waste it, so I try it out.

I try out the home pregnancy test kit, and it turns out that, yeah, mm-hmm, that's right. I'm with child. Somehow I've got a kid. So like I'm freaking out I run over to see the doc Doc Ock Dr. Octopus That's who I go to

I go to I go to Spider-Man's doctor Dr. Dr. Octopus He's my gynecologist He does a great job So I go over to see Doc Ock and I tell him I'm with child

And he's like, well we got to get You gotta get an ultrasound buddy tells me I got to get an ultrasound so I jump in my car I'm driving all around every stereo shop in the country I can't find an ultrasound

what are they do they have a CD player in them an 8 track why are they so the hot commodity right now I got a kid to worry about I can't be out buying high-fi equipment what's wrong with Doc Ock

why he got to run up on my unborn baby and do a Rambo yo are you buying this story no I didn't think so. I'm not... I'm selling... It's all BS.

I'm not... I'm not with child. I'm not... I'm not pregnant. I didn't... I don't have immaculate... ...impacitation or whatever it's called. Um...

Oh, God. A baby inside. That's got to be a weird feeling. Only the women can... Can know. You know, how many of you men have just felt weird after eating one too many tacos? Or, you know, that jalapeno pizza? Or, you know, just you got a gutache for whatever reason.

And there's times when you actually, it feels like your stomach is rolling around. You can feel things moving in there. And I don't know why, but it's just. It's just a bizarre feeling. So imagine a little baby in there. A little tiny human being rolling around, doing backflips in the embryonic fluid, kicking, poking, swinging its arms, swatting flies away.

It's got to be an incredible bizarre feeling to have a youngan inside. to grow a baby inside you. It's such a bizarre thing when you think about it. It's like think about putting a seed in a flower pot, and you're like, ah, I don't know, see. Maybe it'll work, you know, put a little water on it. And sure enough, boob, you're like, whoa, look at that. Something growing out of the dirt.

Beep, hey, it's getting bigger. Bebeb, oh my God. It's smashing through the roof. Boo! And imagine a little baby, a human, doing the same thing inside a woman. Just like little nothing. There's nothing there. Microscopic entity.

And it just grows and grows and grows and grows inside you. I mean, think about it, guys, if you were out camping in the Amazon or something. And you've got like one of those... those insects that get under your skin, you know? There's worms and bugs and spiders down in the tropical rainforest, and they get underneath your epidermis. You've all seen them on TV on the Discovery Channel, and they wiggle around under your skin.

They're like parasites, and they're moving under your skin, and some of them stick their heads out from under your skin and go back in. So imagine handling that And then cut to having a baby rolling around inside Let alone maybe two babies or three But didn't what wasn't there that octo mum lady You had eight Eight little guys

Wiggling around inside you? Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God So yeah Just to restated I'm not with child

That was just me goofing off the top And that's what I do here I goof around Who is this? My mother is dead Are you talking on your cell phone? Huh? Are you?

Are you? Making a booty call getting ready to hook up tonight, or are you leaving a message? To send your message with normal delivery, press one. To send your message with urgent delivery, press two. What does that mean? Okay, so you press two. You want your friend to get his message faster.

What's that mean? Somehow he's going to answer his phone quicker than he would have if you didn't press the emergency two. I mean, how does he get his message any faster? What does a Puerto Rican midget run up and hoof them in the squirrel food? Oh, what'd you do that for, man? Hey, man, you got an urgent message. You got an urgent message, man. You got an urgent message, man, hurry, hurry.

What are you talking about? No time to talk, hurry. Listen to your urgent message, hurry. Oh, my God, hurry. The whole world's going to wind if you don't listen to your urgent message. Okay, okay, okay. I'm listening to my urgent message, and then you listen to your urgent message. It's like,

You have one unheard message. First unheard message, urgent message. Hey, man, this is Larry. I wanted to know if you wanted to go over to the mall. Uh, yeah, man, I got to buy a new shirt, man. That's what I got hoofed in the squirrel food for by a Puerto Rican midget delivering my urgent message. Hello.

You know what? Don't even send me an urgent message. Don't send me any message at all. Just take me off your phone list. I don't need to hear from you ever again. What? No, mom, no, dad, no, I don't need to hear from you ever again. Okay, but just don't contact me urgently, because I urgently don't need to hear from you that bad.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, man, do it. Do it, hurry. Thank you. Your message has been sent. Goodbye. Hey, Harlan, this is Cole in Texas, and I just listened to. to your latest podcast about, you know, talking about the whole Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson thing. And I've got to say, I don't usually agree with you whenever you do one of your serious rant talk things. But this time, I think that you were spot-arm. I completely agree. Later, thanks.

Hey, Ireland, it's Gabriel from Long Beach calling. Wow. I was just in a sears buying a row for my wife for her birthday. And every bit of cell phone problems you have talked about over the last few months came to fruition in one transaction. It is amazing how such a wonderful tool of the cell phone has just destroyed social evidence. This lady, did she get them all in one transaction, Harlan. first she takes the call in the middle of the transaction second she puts off the customer service person

while she's taking care of her call so those of us standing in line are of course waiting for her and her important phone call to be over second she's loud enough that everybody downstairs while she's upstairs can hear her third she gets off the phone finally and decides to be right a customer service person as to the way she's putting the clothes in the back for her grandkids, I guess. I don't know. She was a piece of work

to the instigree. So, oh, my God, I had to call. The first person I thought of was Arlen Williams. I got to call him. So, anyway, keep up the great work, Harlan. You're just hilarious. Look forward to hearing your podcast for many, many years to come.

Have a great night. Hey, Arlen, how you doing? This is Tim from Wisconsin. A few shows ago, you were asking about other songs that have the, obviously I can't do it right now, but the whistle. That's embarrassing. But have you ever heard of the song, Home? Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zero.

I think it's an awesome song and there's a lot of great whistling in it and also I would just like to say that I think you should ask around and see if you could get Charles Nelson Riley on your show, you know, as a guest because I think that'd be pretty cool. I do. I love your show. You're doing a great job. I'll catch you on the flip side. Oh, oh, ho, ho, ho, Charles, oh, Nelson, Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, God.

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specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days.

This is where the story really starts. Weapons. I don't even know if that guy's still alive, Charles Nelson Riley. Maybe I'll try and get him in here for an interview. That's a good idea. And great call. Thank you for another whistle. tune that we can all look up on YouTube.

And thank you for backing me up on the phone calls, the gentleman who was at Sears, buying a bathrobe for his wife, which is kind of an unusual odd thing, you know? That caught me a bit. I'm out buying a bathrobe for my wife, buddy. I'm like, okay, go out and get a bathrobe for your wife, if you need to. Sometimes you've got to do that.

But did you hear his story about the idiots on the phone with no phone etiquette? And here he had everything collide together as one. It was like a cell phone mushroom cloud going off. I feel sorry for you, but we've all been through it. Thank you for sharing. And then how about the gentleman off the top who says, Sounds like he finally agreed with me on something. My whole rant, my whole assessment about the Michael Jackson, you know,

over-medicated doctor slash murderer, that whole trial that went down. But what was more interesting than that is I appreciate the gentleman, you know, saying that he agreed with me, but it was funny that he said, I never agree with you. I don't agree with anything. You know, whenever you start talking, I never agree with you. And I'm like, wow, never?

Like nothing? Nothing I've ever said. It's kind of funny, but I'm glad I finally resonated with you that something struck a chord, something stuck. And hopefully, as I motor along with my motor mouth, Maybe, who knows, maybe a miracle will happen, and I will come up with something else that you might agree with.

And I've got to say, I don't usually agree with you whenever you do one of your serious rant talk things, but this time I think that you were spot on. Oh, oh, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Oh, want to hear a cool sound? Listen to this. This is the sound of my cell phone getting crunched under my foot. Listen to this. Oh, that feels good. Oh, let's do it a little harder.

Oh, let's do it again. Oh, crunch. Oh, I'm free. I just got rid of my cell phone. I've done crunched up my cell phone I'm free to do what I want I'm crunched my cell phone jet throw oh I'm so over my cell phone man

too complicated I can't figure it out anybody out there know how to use their cell phone outside of dialing and receiving I want to get back to basics I don't need a camera in my phone or a video camera or a shower I don't need a trailer in my phone or a microwave oven in my phone I'm just getting back to basics man

I'm going all piggy on your ass you know piggy right from Lord of the Flies you know that little chubby kid with the glasses stood on the beach found a big conch shell that's how he alerted his posse picked up that big conch shell and just blew into it. Oh, yeah. All the kids on the island came running

and then ate them alive. I want a big, greasy conch shell. Whenever I want to call my friend and just, like, put it to my lips, I'm like, And everyone who knows me will just like pop their head out the window and go, Oh, Harland? Is that Harland? It'll be like when Tarzan did his Tarzan yell.

I'm called all the critters in the forest. Anyways, I'm dumping the cell phone. I'm getting a conch shell. Lord of the flies, baby. Calling out to you. here on the Harland Highway Don't pick up because it's piggy Be it's piggy

Yeah piggy Are you a road piggy Does this happen to you This happens to me And I gotta be honest I'm guilty of being a road Piggy Like I pig the road

And here's where I notice it the most And this drives me Let's say you're driving down the road, right, and you know you've got to be somewhere or you're going somewhere. Let's say you're pulling into a shop or you're going to a drive-through. The drive-through is usually the worst one, okay, because the drive-through, it means if you're going through the drive-thru, that means you've got your hunger on. That means you're hungry, you want to have something to eat, and you're like, you know, who wants to be in a line when you get something to eat? You want to be the first in line. You want to get there, right?

So how often has this ever happened to you where you're driving to the drive-thru? And let's say there's like half a mile between you and the drive-thru. Okay? And there's no one between you and the drive-thru and you're driving, and all of a sudden somebody pulls out in front of you. Okay, they come off a side street, and now they're in front of you, and you're like, okay, so one person pulled in front of me, what are the odds that that person is going where I'm going?

What are the odds that that person's going to put on their signal and turn left right up ahead and get in front of me at the drive-thru? Right? Or how often have you been in traffic and maybe it's really busy? And there's all kinds of traffic in front of you and everybody's going by and you're like, great, everybody's going by. I'm going into the drive-thru. There's just one more car in front of me,

and that car puts on their signal and goes into the drive-thru, or the guy that pulled out in front of you is going to the drive-the-one car. You could have been one car behind you out of all the cars on the whole street and the whole city. The one that just happened to get in front of you is the one going into the drive-thru, right? and you're like, come on, man. I had time to actually pull past that guy, and I didn't. I should have. But I was like, what are the odds?

What are the odds that that person just happens to be turning in and going to get food in front of me? And sure enough, boom, they're the one. And not only that, they're the one that get in front of you and they don't understand the drive-through boards. and was like, can we take your order, please? And you're like, oh, um, what's, what's a, what's a drink? Pardon me, ma'am.

What is a drink? I see on your menu it says drinks, large, small, and medium. Oh, ma'am, a drink is a liquid in a cup, and you put a straw in it, and you ingest it, you suck it into your mouth. Oh, okay, so like, okay, like water? Yes, ma'am. And what is a burger? What? I can't believe. There's cheese on it? What?

Can you explain it? Oh, ma'am, it's called a cheeseburger. Right? Or you get the person that pulled in front of you. They're on a mission. Someone over at the soccer league was like, Hey, Carol, listen, all the boys, they're hungry. They just had an incredible soccer game.

All 42 boys on the team and their parents. They're just famished after the game. Would you mind jumping over to the drive-thru and just pick up meals? Here's $425. If you could just order for everybody and get that picked up, that would be just super. And you're sitting behind the milk run car? They're picking up the meals for the movie crew or for the construction zone or the soccer team. you're like, what?

That guy cut in front of me. I could have got around him if I wanted. He just happened to be going where I'm going, and now I'm sitting here starving because, right? And that's about the only time I get road piggy, because I want to eat, I want my grub. I don't have time for anybody when it comes to that. And I think even my earlier listener would agree with that one.

I think that you were spot on. Okay, thank you. Finally, if I ever see you at the drive-thru, I will be sure to, you know, buy you some curly fries or something. Thank you. Now, to be certain that I have this straight, I'll re-capitulate. Did you know that the Harland Highway just goes and goes and goes? Mm-hmm. It goes through just about every town and city in existence.

And every day and then, I like to get off on a little exit ramp and go get a bite to eat. And right now I'm coming up on a little town in Canada. Yeah, I'm way up north in a little town in the province of Newfoundland. And believe it or not, I kid you not, ladies and gentlemen, there's a tiny little town in Newfoundland called Dildo. Dildo Newfoundland. and I'm a little lost, so I'm going to jump on my cell phone here and see if I can find my way to the local fine restaurant. Good evening, Friends Kitchen.

Hi, how are you tonight? Not too bad. Good, what time you open till? Well, open until 10. Oh, boy, I'm all turned around. I've been driving all over Dildo trying to find your place. So how do I get up there from In On the Bay? In On the Bay.

You come on up to a road. It's called Station Road. You know where you go towards the, what would I call it? Just go towards the back of the cove or whatever? The back of the co. Is that at the tip of dildo? Yes. You're in dildo now.

I'm in dildo now. You're at the end by the bay? Yeah, I'm right down. I think I'm at the bottom of the dildo. Okay. Is there a road coming up? Uh, there's a big, big long road. It looks like it goes, is that the tip of dildo I see up ahead?

Road you're going to take all kinds of signs on the cribbing they call it. Are you right over in the cold? God, I didn't know, this is, I'm all mixed. I didn't know dildo was so big. How big is dildo? Oh, it's not that big. It's not a big dildo? It's not, no.

Oh. Okay, so I go, I think I'm on the right road now. Okay, I see it. Station Road, and then you come up there, and when you come down Station Road, you turn right. Okay, turn right. And do you have any dildo specials tonight? No, I got turkey pot pies on special, and I have salmon and cod and cartons available, and my menu items are available. Oh, you still have that dildo omelet that you used to have?

Dildo omelet, I can make an omelet, yeah. Oh, you can make me a dildo omelet? I don't know, sir. All right. Well, I will try and get there before 10, and thank you for the directions. I'm new to dildo, so... Yes, go ahead. Well, thank you very much.

I'll see you soon. Bye. Bye-bye. Oh, man. Wow. What a treat. Lost in Dildo, huh? Forget about getting lost in New York or Los Angeles, man.

I just got lost in Dildo What a nice lady though Huh Wasn't she nice Well you know what they say You can take the girl out of Dildo But you can never take the Dildo out of Well, come on, you know the rest

Oh, what an exciting adventure Our little side trip to Dildo Here on the Harland Highway It makes me wonder If there's other towns out there. And I'm going to do some research, and believe me, I'm going to call them if I need to. But I want to know if there's a town called Vibrator. Okay? I want to know if there's a town called Blow Up Doll. I want to know if there's a town called Cockring. I know. Look, these are graphic

uh words graphic terms but i mean dildo i mean uh hey man where are you from well i'm uh i'm from a little town over on the west coast oh yeah which one uh anal plug excuse me i'm from anal plug oregon yeah or as we call it butt plug okay i got to be going where you going it doesn't matter Are you going there backwards or forwards? Because it doesn't matter, sir. Well, if you're going backwards, never mind. You know where I'm going, buddy? Where?

I'm going to the rabbit. Oh, you mean the vibrator, the rabbit? Yes, that town. Okay, have fun. Oh, I will. Believe me. Nothing feels better than the rat. What?

all right i heard about that from some girls that's like the big vibrator secret i guess the girls use a rabbit i don't even know what it looks like but that's what a bunch of girls told me that's the go-to vibrator but anyways back to the towns why am i talking about back to the towns who came up with that name dildo i mean it just did what the What the hell were they thinking, man? How can you be a member of the town council? I, the mayor of Dildo, announced... Well, that didn't sound right.

Let me say... I, the mayor of Dildo... No, that didn't sound right. I, the mayor of rubber vagina. No, no, that's not... I mean, there's no winning, man. There's no winning. I mean, you can't have a football team.

Go Dildo! Go Dildo! Go Dildo! me a D, give me an I, give me an L, you know, come on. How does the football team function? We love dildo, yes, we do, da, da, da, da, I mean, come on. So just, I'm going to look around, and if I find something, I'm going to call them. I feel like it's my duty. Maybe that's the name of a town, duty.

Anyhow, we're all out of town. and we're all out of time because it's time to go. It's time to get on a train and head to dildo. Thank you for being here, by the way. Thank you for your phone calls. You can always reach me. Well, not me, but it's an answering machine. So there's no pressure.

You can leave whatever kind of message you want. 888, 52090. That's 888, 52090. And if you don't feel like talking, you can always write at harlomwilliams.com, and we'll get you up on the mailbag episode, possibly. I don't play all the messages, but, you know, we try to get to as many as we can. And don't forget, fokey folks, I am going to be at Helium, the Helium Comedy Club tonight in Portland, Oregon.

that's the 18th and 19th of November, tonight and tomorrow night. Get your tickets at Helium Comedy Club. And then in the middle of December, next month, my last gig of the year, I will be at Crackers in Indianapolis. That's going to be December 15th through the 6th. 17th.

So make sure you get your tickets there. It's Crackers Broad Ripple Comedy Club. Lots of fun. And I hope we see you there. And also, for those of you that live in L.A., I'm going to be at Flappers. Flappers Comedy Club for one night only, Tuesday, November 29th. That's in about two weeks.

and I'm going to be doing an improv show there with my buddy Sean Tweedley, very funny comedian, and we're going to be doing sketch comedy improv at flappers. So get your tickets for that. And that's it, man. Don't forget we have our Thanksgiving Day parade coming up next week with John and John. It's going to be a blast, and we hope you can make it.

Thanks for being here. Bless you all, my little podcast, children. And until next time, chicken chalmy, baby! And I've got to say, I don't usually agree with you whenever you do one of your serious rant talk things, but this time I think that you were spot-arm. Who is this? My mother is dead.

Thank you.