The Harland Highway - PODCAST 351

Episode Date: November 25, 2011

Running, listener voice mails, animal attack, a celebrity sighting, Dr. Ascot, and a special announcement. Twist your twinkle toes!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you believe in magic? Whoa, no, but I believe in annoying songs at the beginning of podcast, and you just proved it, Mr. Williams. Why am I talking to myself? Because that's how you do a podcast. You basically talk to yourself. And then you guys fill in the other side and you listen. So welcome all you Harland Highway pavement pounders.

Great to have you along. What a treat. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving. And what a show we have for you today. Running. We're going to be talking about running. When was the last time you out and out ran? You sprinted.

We'll find out. We're going to be taking some of your voicemails, some hilarious, weird, twisted voicemails. Animal attacks. Yeah, I was attacked by an animal. Wait a hear what went down. Unbelievable, savage, brutal animal attack on yours, truly. I have a celebrity sighting, a huge star I bumped into yesterday.

I'm going to tell you about that. It's a lot of fun. Of course, I've got to visit Dr. Ascot. It's the second Friday of the month. Not happy about that. And then, of course, as I promised, a big announcement at the end of the show that I think you're going to like. So stay tuned. Keep listening to the Harlan.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger was everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human bee. God damn it. All right, everybody, hold your nose. It's me, Harland Williams, on the Harland Highway, taking you home. Ooh, that smell. And I hope I'm not stinking up your car. Can't you smell that smell? Because I reek. Ooh, that smell.

Uh-huh. I never thought I'd say it. The smell of there's around you. But I reek. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? I get sprayed by a skunk, man. That ain't fun, huh? What's up with old skunky?

What's up with old Pepe Lepe Lepeu? I'm... Like a skunk could ever speak French. It's like you ever bump into a German raccoon? I want to pick through your garbage. Take the lid off your garbage can immediately. I want to pick through your garbage. Anyways, I surprised a skunk out my garden at night, and the guy sprays me.

Okay, fair enough, that's what he does, but you know what? Every other animal that attacks you, they do it right. You know, they lunge for your throat, they try to claw your eyes out. Some of them just darn right try to eat you. You know, just, oh, you're gone. But not old Mr. Skunk. What's the skunk guy do? Oh, what's he up to?

This guy sprays ass sauce all over me. Yeah, lips his tail, squirts ass juice all over me. Thanks there, Stripey. Thanks for the butt gatorade. Covered in ass sauce. I would have rather been mulled by a pack of lions. I'd rather wrap myself in bacon and get eaten alive by lions. I'd rather, like, cover myself in coleslaw and lay down in front of a manate.

See what I'd take my chances Be a human salad bar Ass sauce Thanks a lot Not only do I get covered with ass sauce But now everybody knows it I'm walking around And I

Ooh that guy smells like ass sauce Oh get away Billy He's all covered in ass sauce And then what's the big cure What are they? Oh wash Take a bath in tomato juice Oh yeah that's real smart

What grape juice doesn't work I can't sit in a big jug of Kool-Aid. It's got to be tomato juice. Great. Thanks a lot. Now I smell like a shrimp cocktail, and I am going to get eaten by a lion. You can't win when you're getting attacked by animals, people.

So stay in your cars where it's safe, and don't press your windshield wiper fluid. It might be full of ass sauce. Yeah, yeah, Pepe Lepeu. And you try to run when you get attacked, you know, running, out of nowhere, running. Suddenly there's something coming at you, you're running. And how many of you people, when was the last time you broke into a run? A full-on sprint, a full-on, when did you ever run for anything lately?

And I'm not talking about getting on the treadmill or playing like flag football. Okay. I'm talking about a full-on, all of a sudden you had to run. And it's fun to see. I mean, it's almost painful to watch if you're like at an airport, right? And you're sitting at a gate. And all of a sudden you see like a, you know, a 72-year-old, like Chinese grandmother run by. Or suddenly you see a business guy in a suit who's overweight, lumbering down the hall. I gotta get my flight I'm gonna miss my fly or you see like

you know a housewife or a family or just you know anybody and you can tell you're looking at them and you're going my God when was the last time that person dashed for anything when was the last time that person ran

and you just start thinking about their body You start thinking about, oh, my God, what are their leg muscles doing? Their leg muscles are like, what the hell's he doing, man? What's with all the commotion? What's with all the action? I'm not used to this. I can't, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it back. Whoa, whoa, you know.

And you've got to wonder, like, you know, when you, when you all sudden run, your adrenaline gets gone, your heart rate gets gone, your blood starts pumping, you know? That's like starting up an old car that's been sitting. sitting in your driveway, you know, let's say you're a collector and you, you have your family car that you drive every day, and then you have the old, like, Mustang sitting in the driveway that you start up like twice a year, right? And it's one thing to start it up, but then all of a sudden you start driving it, and all the creaky, rusty pieces start moving and functioning, and you don't know if the cars can

even make it. That's what it's like when you see people running who don't run. And I worry about them. I see them. I'm like, oh, my God. Look at that person's belly flapping

up and down. Those people, that person's no longer meant to run. But there they go. They're running for a bus. They're running to Walmart for the Black Friday sale. They're running for their their airplane.

They're running because they're getting attacked by a skunk, you know. So I don't know, man. It's interesting. I wonder how many people just, like, statistically drop dead from the experience. You haven't cranked up the machine for maybe years, possibly. Maybe a decade you've never ran. I mean, think about it. How often do we have to run?

anymore. There was probably a time when we were, you know, more a Neanderthal-like where we had to run all the time. Probably every day. Oh, here comes the saber-toothed tagger. There's a velociraptor. Oh, there's a woolly mammoth. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. You know? But now it's like, oh, God, where's that boss? I've been standing here for what? Seven or eight minutes. Where's my subway? Can my subway come by? Could it come from underground and just come up on the surface? I can't walk anywhere.

Where's my taxi? Where's my... Where's my escalator? Where's my moving sidewalk? Is that an elevator over there? Just somebody move me. Because, God forbid, I have to move myself. Right?

We've become pretty lethargic. So be careful if suddenly you're turning into Carl Lewis at the airport and making a mad dash. And make sure you don't break your spine or crack your ankles or your legs fall off. And I'd like to keep talking about this, but I'm out of time. And yeah, you guessed it. I got to run. Hey, Harlan

It's your buddy balls from Elwood City again I just wanted to call it. I tell you're doing a great job and sing you the legendary Wheater and a bun song Oh What goes better than the weeder and the bun The weeder and a bun

It's like a two done What goes better than the weeder and bud Wheater and bun Harlan Hey, what's up? Harlan I was actually going to tell you about a little story about passing gas. I was just wondering if you or anybody else had ever had to pass gas so fast,

but there's been people around, and you didn't want to pass gas with everybody around you. But, yeah, this one time I was with this thrill, and I was going on a date with her. So we go out to dinner, and then I had to fight fight all night, man. Like, so I'm just sitting there, hold it in, hold it in. I'm like, okay, here's my chance. So I go and I lift the girl in to my car, walk around. Oh, what a nice guy, blah, blah, blah. He's opening my door for me.

But really, I open my door, and then I walk around the back of my car and just let it go. I had to let it go, man. You got to pass gas. You got a fast gas. So I'm like, oh, man, I feel so good to get it out. And then, like, I sat there for a minute, hoping that it's all done and was blown away. But, no, the gas followed me right back into the car with the girl I was with, and I didn't say anything.

She didn't say anything, but it smelled horrible. And I was just wondering for anybody else had a fart story they have or whatnot. Another one I had, I was sitting out in front of my buddies out. I didn't think anybody was around. I fucking, I had farted. loud as as can be. And this little girl was walking down the street. She's

like, what was that? Without her nowhere. What was that? All right, man. I'm getting a little long-winded here, but yeah, I just figured I'll share my fort stories with you, buddy. All right, thank you. Bye. Hey, man.

You were badass in that movie with Hugh and Chappelle. That was awesome. but yeah you're the shit hey there harland chad young calling

from Wisconsin just listen to your latest podcast and that son of a gun heckler called in and diss out your name of the pavement pounders which actually

I named it thank you for picking my name I'm very proud of that name that guy was a little out of line I will have to say. I think somebody should bring into a country-western bar and let a bunch of hefty Southerners lined ants on his face.

Anyways, man, that should be done. Anywho, talk at you. Bye-bye. Hey, Arland, how are you doing it? I don't know what to do. I got this little bird in my fridge. He's an arctic biginka, and I phoned before. But he drank half my Red Bull in the fridge, about a half gallon.

Look, I'll open the fridge. Listen. See? I don't know what to do. Anyway, lasagna and Red Bull is what he likes. But anyways, I'm getting back on the Harlan Highway. Ah, yes, another round of incredible voicemails from the pavement pounders. That's right, I said it, pavement pounders.

And I better say it because I don't want to get my face line danced on. 88852090 is the number to call. And leave your comments, questions. points of view, whatever, and we just might throw it on the air for you. So celebrity sightings, you're ready? You're ready for my celebrity sighting? You know, I live out here in Holly Weard, and, you know, you bump into or you see celebrities. So check it out.

Yesterday I'm at the dentist office, okay, getting my checkup done. for my fangs, and I get all done, and I walk out to the counter, and I'm, you know, getting my credit card out and going through all the billing. And I'm standing there and out of one of the other rooms, walks. You ready? Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-na. Paul Stanley from Kiss, right? the lead singer from Kiss, the guy that has the star on his eye and the long curly black hair

and the big chest with all the hair on it. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% of.

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this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. code harland have fun don't throw your back out and uh that was kind of cool he actually had to wait in line well yours truly took care of business he was just standing right beside me kind of checking his phone messages and the uh the girl i was dealing with was chatting to him and no he didn't have the makeup on okay he doesn't go to the dentist office in full kiss makeup he just had blue jeans and a denim shirt and a nice watch and a few rings and uh you know i gotta say the guys

his his hair was definitely dyed black and uh you know without all the makeup on he's he's looking a little older he's uh you know obviously and that's not a knock but he's uh he's definitely older and i thought god it must be weird he must probably be, I bet he's in his late 50s or early 60s, okay? And, you know, to think that he still goes out there and puts the costume on, and nowadays it's obviously a wig he puts on when he does his show, it's a big black wig, curly wig.

But, you know, just at that age, you know, you always think of like, rockers like hanging it up around 35 or 40 it's like okay it's one thing if you're an old like you know kind of like a Neil young or something and you can just kind of play your guitar but when you have all the theatrics and the makeup and you got to be physical and jump around you always feel like there's a time and a place for it to end like you ever see the rolling stones I think that they did the the Super Bowl thing a number of years ago and it was just hard to watch Mick Jagger was jumping around trying to look like he was 20 and he was almost 70 or something and it was just hard to why it just looked like his hips were out at place and it looked like a bone

was about to snap but Paul still looked good you know he physically he was uh he was in shape he wasn't fat he uh he was still uh trimming slim all the hair was uh popping out of his shirt say what looked the oldest was maybe his face you know he had a lot of like little age spots and uh you know his skin didn't quite have the elasticity that uh a young face has but uh nonetheless he was uh he wasn't overweight he was in shape uh and and he's got those eyes those kind of droopy eyes give it all away but i just thought it was cool i mean it's one thing to you know being near uh you know someone who's in a bed band or someone who's current but let's face a kiss is like kind of legendary and i can't say i

love a ton of their music i think they only had you know out of their 500 songs i'd probably only listen to like five maybe four but you know they've they've been around since i was a kid they've been kicking around since i was a little boy and they're just kind of part of the the subconscious they're part of the the picture They're part of your growing up. And, you know, obviously everyone knows them. They're a worldwide brand. The image of their faces and the makeup genius, you know, marketing genius.

Who doesn't know the face of Kiss? And so, you know, it's kind of cool. Kind of cool to be at the dentist's office with Kiss. imagine if I was at the gynecologist office with kiss. Um, not good. Wait a minute. Why would I be at the gynaic... What, what?

What did they... Whoa, would they... Yikes. You know, speaking of gynecologists and dentists, I might as well get this over with. Um, you know, I have to visit every second Friday with this damn psychologist shrink Dr. Ascot because the people who run the podcast here think I have a nut loose and I could say something inflammatory and so as a, you know, I could be a liability.

And so to kind of buffer that, they've made it mandatory that I have to sit in with this stupid psychologist, Dr. Ascot, and have these on-air shrink sessions. And I just can't wait to get it over with. Let's do it. Let's bring them in and let's get this damn thing over with. Hello, Arland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Happy Thanksgiving, Alland.

Well, it's okay. Yes, thank you. Happy thanksgiving to you. How was it? Excellent, Arland. Good. What do you give thanks for, Arland? Well, I don't know. My life, my everything. Everything, Holland. That would include your sessions with me, Dr. Ascott. You know, maybe I'd leave that out. That hurt, Arland.

Well, you know I don't like it here. I'm not going to... Oh, God, your breath smells. What did you eat? Holland. Well, smell like an onion soaked in Worcestershire sauce. Holland. Ah. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I'm not going to pretend I like it here.

Holland. And that's why you keep saying my name. What are we doing today? Holland, I listen to your last quote-unquote podcast. What's that mean, quote, unquote? Well, let's be realistic, Holland, a podcast? What does that mean? Well.

Don't say, what, like my podcast isn't, uh, you don't qualify it as a good podcast? Holland, I deal with realities, not. All right. What are we doing today? Holland, I heard you on your last air quotes podcast. Stop with the quotes. I heard you talking about having problems with food. Well, yeah, I was talking about I'm a picky eater.

And I get nervous going to other people's homes and being, you know, eating their food. I worry about how it was prepared and who touched it and what ingredients they used and blah, blah, blah. All of that is not healthy, all of it. Yeah, I know. It's embarrassing, and I think it prohibits me from, you know, socializing more than I do. I think you might be right, Arlen, and today I'd like to work on your picky eating. Well, okay, I actually said that maybe this is something you could help me with. Exactly, Arland. When it comes to eating, Arland, it's all about trust. Well, I guess so.

you have to put trust in the people that give you something to eat, Arland. And that should prevent you from being a picky eater, Holland. Yes, I, you know what, I know. So let's try a little experiment. Well, okay, what are we going to do? I want you to put this bandana around your eyes. Okay, well, I won't be able to see.

That's the point, Arland. Okay, what are we going to do? Put it on, Arland. Okay, I'm putting it on. Now, I'm going to hand you little samples of things to eat, and I want you to trust and not be a picky eater, Holland. Oh, boy, I don't know. All right, I can't see.

Where are you? I'm right over here, Arland. Okay, what are you got? Hang on, Arlen, let me get the food for you. What are you doing? What's that? Nothing, Arland, I'm getting the food. Why are you grunting?

Here you go, Arland. Here's the first little sample of food. Okay. Ooh, it feels a little mushy. Just eat, Arland. All right. i don't know what is that pudding or something what is that i don't know what that's kind of a soft yet crunchy texture let's try another sample allan let's stop you from being a picky eater

all right give me another one i guess okay that one was a little crunchier and kind of i don't know salty a little bit excellent all and let's do one more You know what? I'm taking the... What is that struggling noise? I'm taking this mask off. Don't take the mask off yet, Holland. Oh, what are you doing? Nothing, Holland.

Why is your finger up your nose? Holland. What are you doing? I'm picking my nose, Holland. What do you mean you're picking your nose? Well, you said you're a picky eater, Arland, and I'm picking. What... Wait a minute.

What was that stuff you? you gave me to eat? Holland. Are you... No, you didn't. Holland, the only way to stop you from being a picky eater is to give you some pick food. What do you mean pick food? Did you pick some boogers and feed me your snot?

Holland, I'm trying to stop you from being a picky eater. Oh my... Oh my God! Holland, don't be sick on my carpet. Oh, my God. I eat your boogers. Oh, and maybe now you won't be a picky eater. I didn't mean nose pickings, you idiot. Get out of here.

Oh, my God. Alland, I've got one more giant, crunchy one, like a cornflake. Here you go, Arland. Oh, my God, get out of it. Get out! Blah! Disgusting. You believe that, dillweed?

I don't even want to reflect on it. The guy feeding me is... Forget it. Disgusting, idiot. The whole Dr. Ascot thing can't end soon enough. I apologize. I mean, this guy should have had his license revoked a million years ago. He shouldn't even have a driver's license.

He shouldn't have any license at all. Unbelievable, adult, full-grown dillweed. Get out of here! Anyways, I promised you last podcast. Big announcement. Big, uh, fun announcement. here that will be fun for me, and I think it'll be fun for you. How about this?

Next week, yes, next Thursday, December 1st, yours truly, on the Conan O'Brien show once again. That'll be my second time this year. And as you know, Conan and I always have a great time. We always have a blast. If you want to catch up on some of the Conan shenanigans, you can always go on YouTube and, you know, YouTube some of our shows together. We always, always have a good time. Hopefully this time we have a good time.

So there it is. Next Thursday, December 1st, yours truly, Harland Williams. Your host of the Harlan Highway, and I'll make sure I mention it on Conan Show. I'll give the old highway a plug so we get more riders. We'll be on the Conan O'Brien Show, so tune in. And then since we're doing announcements, the following week, Tuesday, the 29th, I will be at the Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, doing an all-improve show. Um, it's just going to be sketch comedy, taking suggestions from the audience, maybe some songs.

Uh, so it won't be the usual stand-up that you're used to. And, uh, it's going to be a hell of a lot of fun. So if you have time, come on out and check out the showsy-wozy. Um, it's going to be a good time. Uh, make sure you, uh, get your merchandise ordered from the Harland Highway store at harlom williams.com so we can ship it out the final mailing day is uh december 13th is the last day we'll be putting stuff in the mail because after that it's just not going to get there in time so get your orders in uh before the 13th of december we don't want anyone to be disappointed uh you can order

my book the things you don't know you don't know you can order rocket man you can order uh my kids books t-shirts, whatever you want. It's all there. Check it out at the store at harlomwilms.com for the holidays. And my final gig of the year, December 15th, 16th, and 17th in Indianapolis, Crackers Broad Ripple. It's going to be a blast. Go out with a b-b-bang.

And that's it, man. So thanks again for your phone calls, your letters, 8885. $52090 for the calls and harlowe williams.com. If you want to drop me a line, send me an email. And I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoyed the parade yesterday. And we'll do that all again, Christmas. We always have the Christmas Day parade on the Harland Highway.

And that's it, man. That's it for today. Hope you had a good time. thanks for riding along and until next time everybody chicken chow maim baby