The Harland Highway - PODCAST 352

Episode Date: November 28, 2011

More and more taxes, Car repairs, Life Coach Dr. Debbie Timer, dangerous animals. Fold and flap your furnace!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord heaven almighty, it's the Harland Highway. Thank you, Lord, for guiding us down this mentally challenged street. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not going to go there. You're not mentally challenged. I might be, but you're not. You're actually quite a genius for tuning in to the hottest podcast in the world. And I just made that up, but why not? Hey, it's the Harland Highway.

Welcome, everyone. What a show. have today we are going to be talking about car repairs we all have to go through them way to hear how i took care of one of the problems in my vehement call um dr debby timer's going to be here today uh taking a phone call helping people with their problems she's a life coach uh dangerous animals we're going to be talking about dangerous animals a few people podcast back. I was talking about getting attacked by a skunk. Well, there's other dangerous animals out there too. And then on a little more of a serious note, we're going to be talking about something

that kind of gets my craw is the rich wanting to pay more taxes or being forced to pay more taxes. And we're going to listen to a soundbipe from Matt Damon and talk about kind of what's going on with that, in my opinion. So here we go. It's the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Who boy, so I was talking about being attacked by a skunk. I got squirted with ass sauce. That's what they do. They lift their tail and squirt the ass juice all over you.

Thanks a lot. But I realize there's other animals out there that want you dead. Huh? There's other animals that want to kill you. They want to kill you like Norman Bates. Like Norman Bates from the Bates Hotel. they're just waiting for you to slip up and they're going to get you. Remember Alfred Hitchcock's, the birds, all the birds waiting,

sitting on the telephone wire. Ooh, imagine if walruses got that fever, man, walking home from school, a bunch of husky walruses balancing on the telephone wires, just wobbling back and forth like big blobs of jello with giant tusks. watching you go there's some clever animals out there man you ever hear this lethal snake in India they got a snake that'll kill you

they want you dead it's called the spitting cobra no not just a cobra the spitting cobra normal cobras you know they bite you wham you're dead but the spitting cobra he's got to insult the injury man not only are you dead but the last thing you hear before you die as isn't that nice?

He honks a big loogie right in your face and then you die. What's next? The defecating garter snake? Can it get any more low? And then there's the smart animals, man. There's animals out there that are clever about taking you out.

Huh? How about coyotes, man? The coyotes are really smart. Here's what coyotes do to get you. They use their brain. What they do is they, They get a can of paint, and they paint a target right in the middle of the highway. And when you come along, they fill it up with bird seed.

You bend down to eat it. They drop a piano on the back of your head. Uh-huh, they're clever. They use their brains. Ooh. I don't want to be killed by an animal. I just want to die in my sleep. Counting sheep.

There they go. One, two, three. Uh-oh, one of them tripped on the fence. He's falling. He's going right from my throat. Ugh. Uh. Great.

Oh, well. We got to share this world with all the little critters. It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over. Nothing. You just don't turn it off. It wasn't my war.

You asked me, I didn't ask you. And I did what I had to do to win, but somebody wouldn't let us win. And I come back to the world, and I see all those maggots at the airport, protesting me, spitting, calling me a baby killer and all kinds of foul crap? Who are they to protest me, huh? Who are they? Unless they've been me and been there and know what the hell they're yelling about? Oh, intense.

Very intense. And speaking of spitting cobras, you know what else? Something that needs to be spit upon is people and I guess in general celebrities that are doing this rant about how much they'd like to pay more taxes, okay? And this is a touchy topic. This is a topic where people are for it or against it. And, you know, I just don't buy the theory of these Uber wealthy people making statements in the press where they're like, you know, I'd like to pay more taxes. Why can't I pay more taxes? I would gladly pay more taxes.

You know what? You pay taxes. You pay between 35 and almost 50% of your income, okay? It would be one thing if we didn't pay tax or if our taxes were like 8, 9, 10, 12% or something like that, okay? And keep in mind, that's 12% of your income that you go to work for every day. The fact that you pay 30, 40, 50% of what you make to the government, that's just a huge number. So to think for a second that you're not given your fair share, to think for a second that you're not contributing,

that you're not being patriotic, that you're not helping, is almost ridiculous to me that someone would have that point of view. And that they would step up and say, you know what, I've done well, I work hard, I make a lot of money, I want to give more. I want to give more taxes. Well, you know what? guess what you can give more taxes if you really feel that way you can just give more taxes you can give all the taxes you want you can give your whole income and i think what irks me about

there's two parts to this what irks me about celebrities saying this is that i think they're just saying it to be in vogue i think they're they're saying it because it makes people think that they'll like them more. I'm sorry, I think they think people will like them more by saying that, that maybe they're overly generous or they're overly caring, unlike

the rest of us who I guess we're not caring because we only give 40% of our income. I think maybe they think it will ingratiate us more to them. I think maybe they think they're answering a higher call or a higher

cause and I'm a bit skeptical I think it's a bit of that Hollywood BS where you know they get into the the pack mentality and they say things without really thinking without really knowing the facts without understanding what they're saying and case and point I'm going to play you a clip of Matt Damon being asked a question about the higher tax and listen to answer and just no going into this I love Matt Damon I think he's an incredible actor I love his work I love what he does he seems like a great guy I love the guy but that being said this is about paying more taxes somebody asked him the question a reporter asked him a legitimate question and listen to in my opinion how scatterbrained his answer is listen to his

justification listen to his reasoning listen to kind of what you he says that just seems to be a confused kind of ramble where he's grasping for answers and doesn't really know why he wants to pay more taxes. And then when we come back from that, I'm going to talk about why I don't think people should be paying more taxes, whether they're rich or poor. So let's take a listen to this clip of Matt Damon being asked about the economy and paying more taxes. The president says the wealthy should pay more. Do you agree that the wealthy should pay more?

Yes. Yes, the wealthy are paying less than they've paid, you know, at any time else. I mean, certainly in my lifetime, I mean, and probably, you know, in the last century. You know, I don't know what they were paying in the robber, you know, in the 20s. I don't know what we were paying like in the roaring 20s. you know it's a it's it's it's it's it's it's criminal that like where you know that what so little is asked of people who are getting so much I don't mind paying more I really don't mind paying more taxes I'd rather pay for taxes than cut

like you know reading is fundamental or you know Head Start or some of these like programs that are really helping kids I you know I mean I'm I mean, why not? This is the greatest country in the world. Is it that much worse if you pay 6% more in taxes? Yeah, great. You know, look at what you get for it. You get to be American, you know? See, in my opinion, that's just a blind answer.

That's a blind, uninformed answer. And to go to, well, you know, we should be paying more for the little kids to read. And, you know, give the sandwich to a, person that can't afford a sandwich well you know what we already do all that stuff okay and uh you know it just sounded like he was like throwing ideas around and referring to the roaring 20s and calling it criminal the way that we we don't pay enough and he'd be happy to pay more go pay more dude but you're actually already paying a huge chunk and since we when is it criminal to do the best you can in the United States of America?

That's what this country was built on. Nobody's asking you to be greedy or selfish or not donate to charity. But to just blindly say that and hand over more money to the government that really doesn't deserve it, and I'm going to get into that after we talk about this. it's just it's just a sweeping blind statement that to me it's about that's like to garner sympathy for himself or something and i think he's a smart guy i think he's very smart and i again i like him but i saw chelsea handler the other night on pierce morgan same thing she just she just got this 25 million dollar deal for her talk show and uh she's sitting on pierce

Morgan, you're going, yeah, I'd pay more taxes. I should pay more taxes. I want to pay more taxes. And again, Chelsea, I've worked with Chelsea. I've done shows with Chelsea. I've been on Chelsea's show. I've hung out with Chelsea. I mean, she's brilliant.

She's very smart. She's quick. But I don't think she knows why she's saying what she's saying. Again, I think it goes back to it's Hollywood and Vogue, and it shows you have such a big heart. Well, I would rather see these celebrities with all this money if they want to hand over an extra couple million dollars or $10 million, whatever, just say, you know what, I'm taking this $10 million and I'm building a school, or I'm building a library, or I'm building a computer education facility for children, or I'm building a homeless shelter, or I'm going to start a farm where I raise crops and vegetables that goes directly to homeless people. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But to just hand it off to the government, uh-uh, no way. It's a stupid blind statement, and they should be fighting against that stuff. and that's my opinion.

And here's why. Okay, now we're going to get to the here's why. Oh, yeah. Here it comes. Mr. No-it-all's about to speak. And again, this isn't, even though he asked about the president, this isn't about Obama. This, I don't care of Mitt Romney's president.

I don't care of Obama's president. It's the same storyline. So this isn't a political thing. This is a neutral statement that I'm making here. We have a government. that throws money away like you wouldn't believe. We have a government that's not fiscally responsible. We have a government that just burns through money, doesn't keep track of money,

wastes billions. I'm talking billions, probably trillions of dollars. Okay? So why do you want to give more to an entity that basically you could hand them? Matt Damon could hand them a million dollars and say, you know what? Here's a million dollars. want to pay more and a congressman pulls out a lighter and goes thanks matt and torches the million

right before his eyes because that's what it's like so much wasteful money in the government and i'm not just going to like sit here and tell you that i think you all know that okay but uh you know let's let let me cut to some examples how about this first one the missing 25 billion Okay. Buried in the Department of the Treasury's 2003 financial report of the United States government is a short section titled Unreconciled Transactions affecting the change in net position, which explains that these unreconsiled transactions totaled $24.5 billion in 2003. All right, I don't know what that means exactly, but here's the explanation. The unreconciled transactions are funds for which auditors cannot account. The government knows that $25 billion was spent by someone somewhere on something, but auditors do not know who spent it, where it was spent, or what it was spent on.

Blaming these unreconsiled transactions on the failure of federal agencies to report their expenditures adequately, the Treasury report concludes that locating the money is a priority. The Unreconciled $25 billion could have funded the entire Department of Justice for an entire year. So there's $25 billion. Does the word billion register with anyone? Just gone, missing, not known. Okay, and here's some more headlines that I'll just rifle through. Unused flight tickets totaling $100 million.

So these were botched airline tickets. tickets that could have been refunded by the departments that used them within the government. So 100 million wasted unaccounted for. Embezzled funds at the Department of Agriculture. Okay? We've got credit card abuse at the Department of Defense. Tons of money there. Medicare overspending.

What else we got here? I'm going through a list that's on the Internet here. Funding fictitious colleges and students. Okay? And I'm not going to read you the whole, you know, thing about it because, you know, I'll read you one, but it says such carelessness helps to explain why federal student loan programs routinely receive

poor management reviews from, government auditors. At last count, 21.8 billion worth of student loans are in default, and too many cases of fraud are left undetected. I mean,

I can keep going through list after list, state abuse of medical funding, earned income tax credit overpayments, it's just redundancy, piled on redundancy, and that's why I get passionate about the idea of people paying all these extra taxes. For what? For a system that has total disregard for your money, has total disregard for the blood, sweat, and tears you've poured into your life, your work, your accomplishments, your achievement, and they just flounder the money, they just squander the money, they just waste it

and throw it around and no accountability because there's just so much coming in all the time, you know. It's like, you know, going to a restaurant and ordering food and, you know, they bring you out the food when they want and what they want. You know, it's not, this isn't what I ordered. Who cares? Who cares? So, uh, I don't know. I just get, I just get irked seeing these.

people saying this stuff and uh you know i think either they should be more informed or they should be going the other way and saying i'll pay more taxes when you guys get your act together and grow up and know what you're spending our taxes on and spending them on appropriate things not wasteful things and that's my rant i'm sure i can keep going on about it i won't you many of you have probably tuned out by now, but I hope you get the point, and that's where I stand on it. You might disagree or agree or be somewhere in the middle, but that's what it's all about. That's what the dialogue's all about. And I say we switch gears, and to help us sort out these problems and many more, I think we

could all do with a little life coaching from Dr. Debbie, time. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and welcome to the show. Let's get started, shall we? won't we today it looks like we are going to take a call

from looks like West Virginia on the eastern sea board of the United States of America and we're going to be dealing with your problems, your needs, your phobias, your fears.

And let's take that call right now. We have Sarah in West Virginia. Go ahead, Sarah. You're on the air with Dr. Debbie Time Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie. Yes, that's me. Oh, hi.

Hi, dear. How are you, my child? I'm doing good. I'm so nervous to talk to you. Okay, well, let's start with stopping the laughing. Well, how can I start with stopping? That doesn't make sense. Okay, just, what's your problem, my child?

Oh, well, um, lately I've been having, I'm embarrassed. to say it. Well, just go ahead. That's what our show's all about, helping you with your problems. Well, if it's very, um, how do I say it? Um, how should I say it?

Um, how, how would I say this? Just say it for Christ's sake, child. I have very dry lips. Oh, okay. I understand. That can be a sensitive problem. How old are you, child? Um,

I'm only 19, and my lips get very dry, and they're very chapped, and I think you know where I'm going with this. I understand it's a common problem during your adolescent years that your lips, so to speak, dry out, and you have problems down there. Yes, they're very chapped, and sometimes I get flakes on them. Okay, stop the laughing. Little skin flakes, and I have to peel. off my lips. Okay, that sounds very painful, child. Yes, it's very painful. It's ow. I go, ow, ow, ow, and I pluck it my lips. Okay, I get it. You're peeling little flakes of skin from your lips. It's a very sensitive region. Yes, it is. I go, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I get it that you go out. Shut the fuck up.

Oh, okay. So what you do about my chap? lips, um, doctor? Well, let me ask you this child. When you urinate, does it, do you experience pain when there's urine coming out from the lips? Um, no, I don't think so. I don't, uh, no.

Okay, well, that's a good sign. How about, um, when you're having sexual intercourse? Are you sexually active? Yes, I have sex all the time, but... Okay. And when your partner, penetrates your lips, do you have a burning or ripping sensation?

Um, no. And, you know, what's interesting, there's been times where I can just talk through it. I'm sorry? I talk through, I like to talk through sexual intercourse. How do you talk, my child? Well, there's a penis inside you, and you've got burning lips. Well, let me... No, now let me ask you, is there any time when it really burns? Well, I guess when I'm eating Thai food. Are you telling me, child, you stuff Thai food inside of your...

Yes, I just love Thai food. I stuff it in. And your lips burn. Do you have a food fetus child? Well, I love Thai food. And you stuff it in your vagina? Not really. When you're having sexual and, of course, you're talking and stuffing Thai food inside... Are we talking about the same? lips doctor what do you mean well i'm talking about the lips on my mouth they get chapped and dry oh for

christ's sake you fucking idiot oh i'm sorry what's that all about i was talking about your dried out chapped skin picking vagina lips child oh no my vagina lips are wetter than a duct bill platypus in a river system oh my god you fucking idiot i thought we're supposed to be talking about sexual situations well I was wondering when you asked me does it hurt when I urinate I mean I don't remember ever urinating out of my mouth

okay hang up you're a fucking idiot and stop the goddamn laughing you tarred what's a tarred like a leotard a retard hang up your phone you demented

vagina lip idiot fuck off idiot now you're going to have to set the record straight when you phone me I don't have time for morons I'm Dr. Debbie Timber and I'm your life coach

and who's screening these calls Roger really stupid I'm Dr. Debbie Timer and we'll see you next time on Dr. Debby Dr. Debbie Timber Life Coach

Fuck it idiot dried lips Hey what's that sound man Do you hear that noise That's your car Your car's rattling Or dingin or humming or puking Cars

Always up to something I think they sit in the garage at night at night and go, how can I screw my master over tomorrow, huh? Ooh, I think I'll make the muffler fall off, or I haven't screwed with the accelerator for a long time, or the carburetor hasn't screwed up. Yeah, that's how I'll get them. I'm going to make a little noise, a mystery noise. Keep them guessing.

He'll have to take it to Sherlock Holmes to figure me out, boy. Woo! Don't be cheap when you get your car repaired either. Oh, no, you can't, you can't go on the cheap. Yeah, my axle's cracked. I think I'll, uh, I could probably wrap a panty-ho around there and, uh, put some Elmer's glue and, uh, a thumbtack. Oh, look at that. There's a hole in my tire.

Uh, maybe if I put some aqua-fresh toothpaste on that hole at all, you know, I'll just keep it on the cheap here. You know, I don't want to, I don't want to spend too much money. Oil change. I don't need oil. Huh? Me? I just pour something on NyQuil in there. I don't should keep it going. It's strong. NightQuil. I had to get my air conditioner fix. That ain't cheap. And I went cheap. I did it. I didn't want to pay for the new air conditioner stuff. It was like something like 600 bucks and I was over at Home Depot and they got ceiling fans for like 50 bucks. So I stay up all night. I put a ceiling fan in my car it's turning around it's doing the job

pretty good and until one day I took all my buddies to the mall and we were riding along and I hit a speed bump a little too fast and all my buddies in the back seat got their heads cut off

bong I think I learned a lesson there whatever it is go get your cars fixed we want you to get home safe here on the harland highway wait a minute what's that sound oh my god my car's making noises i better pull off probably a good time to end the show before my wheels fall off and I roll down a ditch somewhere and explode. Oh, oh, ho, ho, oh, Charles. Um, yeah, what a show today, man.

A lot of interesting stuff, a lot of debate. If you want to make any comments, you know the number 888-52090. Or you can write me at Harlem Williams.com, baby. um thanks for riding along hope you had a groovy time don't forget tomorrow night in burbank california uh november the 29th it's tuesday night uh me and my comic buddy sean tweedley will be doing uh improv an improv show at flappers comedy club in burbank at eight o'clock come on out and have some laughs and then don't forget Thursday night, yours truly

December 1st. I will be on the Conan O'Brien show yucking it up with Conan and hopefully you can check in and hopefully we'll have some laughs. We'll have to wait and see, man. It's either going to be good or bad or who knows.

But you know me. Always trying my best and hope you are too. Thanks for riding along. Oh my God. I just fly just flew in my mouth wow wow actually not bad not bad i'm going to go get some more um there you go and well i'm eating flies why don't you go eat a big greasy bowl chicken chalmayne baby it's it's it's

criminal that like where you know that so little is asked of people who are getting so much I don't mind paying more. I really don't mind paying more taxes. Is it that much worse if you pay for six percent more in taxes? You'd be a break.