The Harland Highway - PODCAST 353

Episode Date: November 30, 2011

Chemicals in our food, Baskin Robbins, UFO crop circles, Ashton Kutcher divorce, TV dinners, and an annoying call from George Michael from WHAM. Sandblast momma's melon patch!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gitty up, gitty up, gitty up. Let's go. Let's go. Let's do a podcast, man. Let's friggin go, baby. This is our last podcast before December. So look out. What a show we have chock full of stuff. You ever seen a crop circle? We're going to be talking about UFOs and the crop circles they make. Look out. We'll be discussing the Ashton and Demi divorce. TV dinners. Have you ever made yourself a TV dinner? I think it's safe to say you have. We're going to be talking about the chemicals in food that we ingest. Yeah, yummy. And speaking of food, how about happy food, Baskin-Robbins?

We're going to be talking about ice cream. And then somebody's going to be calling in. I'm not happy about it here on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland Williams, and you're heading home for dinner after a long day of work, grueling over the desk. You're going home for dinner. What are you going to have?

A nice roast beef, a prime rib, a steaming hot bowl of pasta. Oh, some nice beef stroganoff, pheasant under glass. No, you know what you're having. You're having a microwave dinner. Ha ha! You're just like me, aren't you? Don't know how to cook. Don't have time.

Because you've got to sit down and watch Lost or American Idol or something. Who's got time to cook? Who goes home to a nice dinner anymore? Ah! If you're not at the drive-thru, you've got the microwave going. You've got the microwave on, don't you, George Jetson? Oh, yeah, because it looks so good. When you're walking through the grocery store, you go through that.

frozen food aisle. Every box just has the most beautiful photographs we've ever seen. I mean, who's taking these photographs of food? They could make a rotting buffalo look tasty. Huh? They can make a pile of caribou dung look delicious. Put a little parsley on it and some garnish. Ah!

I want that photographer to do my wedding pictures. The guy that does the microwave food packaging pictures. I mean, it looks like a 9,000 star chef cook that stuff, doesn't it? You pick it up. Oh, my God. Look at this. Look at this tuna casserole. Wow, look at the succulent, delicious.

I got to have this in my belly. And then your fingers get stuck to the frozen box and you're shaking. Get off of there. Ow! Ooh, you get the freezer burn. So you get home and you open that beautiful box. The box itself probably costs more than the food you're about to eat. You take it out.

You're like, wait a minute. This thing looks like a pile of frozen moose droppings. And it's got a wrapper over it. Okay, well, maybe when I heat it up for, what is it, two and a half minutes. It'll go from frozen pile of vomit. to the beautiful picture I saw on the cover. Yes, it has to. Hit that

button. Oh wait. You forgot to put the little slit in the top because that's what chefs do, don't they? They cut a little slit in the top of the frozen pile of moose vomit. Yeah. There you go. Take your

knife out and OJ that TV dinner. Start it up again. Okay, beep, beep, beep, two minutes. I'm a chef, you pull it out. Went from frozen moose vomit to steaming hot moose vomit. Yeah, never looks good. Never really tastes that good.

Hey, but you're full with a shrimp scampy in your belly. Eat it up, people. Eat it up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you've got to wonder what's in those things, man. You know what I'm hooked on lately? The craft dinner, the craft macaroni and cheese, they've made these little individual bowls.

And, oh, it's almost like you might as well just, like, go to, like, a car part store and buy, like, window washer fluid and antifreeze fluid and, you know, battery acid. and whatever else you can find and just pour it into a cup and shake it and drink it. They got these craft dinners in the individual cups, and they're so easy to make. You know, normally when you make your craft dinner, you know, you got to, you know, pour it out, to boil it, and it takes a while like seven or eight minutes. But this thing, you don't even take it out of the cup, you just peel the lid,

You put water up to the water line, you shove it in the microwave for three and a half minutes, pull it out, pour the cheese mix right into the bowl. Oh, you're eating. It's a chemical cocktail, and it tastes great, sort of, kind of. But you know while you're eating it, you're like, what is this stuff? Like if you believe God made everything, God made the veggies and gave us the cows to eat and the organic plants, and you know what is this stuff the powdered cheese and the the noodles before you even put water in them there's this white powder on them i guess it's to help them cook or something i mean it's just it's out and out scary it's out and out scary and you're going what am i putting in my body

what is my how is my body reacting when when the great almighty being put our bodies together to function and work and process food growing out of the ground. At what point did he think that we'd be shoving, you know, these chemicals and colors and additives and all this into our body? How is our body even tolerating it? It's so out of context. It's like if you looked at a cow and you go, okay, what is a cow eat? Grass.

Okay? Okay. So picture a cow eating grass for its whole life. Every day it goes out and eats grass. Why? Because that's what a cow is supposed to eat. Grass. Okay. So now cut to picture a cow standing on a street corner eating empty plastic water bottles and paper clips and, you know, drinking Kool-Aid. and, uh, you know, maybe, uh, some processed cheese or something. You see how out of content, it's like that stuff should never go into a cow. You would be like, no, why would you put that into a cow? Why cows don't eat that? Why would a cat? Well, that's what we're doing.

We're like putting these foreign, weird things into our bodies that, uh, you know, we're probably never meant to go there. But then the other side of the argument is you go, wow, damage, damage, you're going to die. But then if you look, people are lasting longer and longer. People are getting older and older and older. More and more people are living into their 90s, into their hundreds. And you go, well, wait a minute. Is this stuff really that horrible?

Is it really that bad? Maybe it's all right. Maybe that's what's keeping us gone. I don't know. but food for thought and good luck with it because i got to tell you some of the stuff we're putting in our bodies it looks like it comes from another world warning citizens of earth you are being taken over by alien life forms morning warning Man, aliens.

Anybody believe in aliens? I've seen a UFO. Huh? Unidentified flying object? Woo! Anybody been sucked up by a tractor beam? Crop circles. Ooh, anybody's seen those?

Are those really aliens doing that? They're so bored, they just come down and do donuts and our corn. Yaha! We're doing some alien space donut. Yeha! Nobody hears them in the middle of the night. They're, like, bombing around in their UFO. Is that like a GTO? Huh?

Is that like an outer space hot rod? Like, they're pretty intelligent. I mean, they're living out in the galaxy somewhere. They got these spaceships. They flew all the way across. the galaxy to make some little shapes. What is this? Arts and crafts? This is a Martha Stewart planet. And then we go into the field, then we make some wonderful round shapes, geometric shapes, and all kinds of funny patterns and designs. Really goes good with any planet you might have

hanging around in the intergalactic solar system. Just wonderful addition. I mean, get real, they're aliens. You think they're that dumb that they'd go down into the corn, where Stephen King's children of the corn are hiding. They get down, they start doing their donuts, and all of a sudden Malachi shows up. Aliens ain't dumb enough to walk into children of the corn country. Right? They're burning around, making their funny little shapes,

and all of a sudden the jolly green giant appears. Oh, ho, ho, ho. I'm greener than you. Look at my nibble. Ho, ho, ho. Are you kidding me? Those little wide-faced aliens saw the jolly green giant, and they'd think they'd probably seen God. Jolly green giant.

So keep your eyes open, people, for aliens, outer space beings. You're about to get probed. Unless, of course, you're driving a probe. And then you've already been probed, baby. the minute you drove it off the lot. You got probed right up the crop circle, my friend. Keep it safe. Don't get sucked into a tractor beam.

Get home on the Harland Highway. Yeah, weird stuff. And you know what else is weird? This is weird. I think I told you in the summer, and you all know about this going on, the big divorce with Ashton and Demi Moore. and I told you that I was up at their house in the summer for a dinner party, and we had a great time.

And, you know, we hung out all night, we played games, and we had a little wine, and we had dinner, and it was just a good, good old time. And, you know, looking back on it, it makes me sad because, you know, here I was, I think when I was talking about them in the summer, I talked about what a cool couple i thought they were and not that i don't think they're still cool they are but it's just sad it's it's sad to uh it's sad to to see uh something like that dissolve and uh you know it's uh they were very lovey-dovey and uh they were they were um you know they seemed to have a really good chemistry and a good vibe and uh just to see it fall apart is uh is odd but what i don't like is how right away the uh the media's beating up on ashton all right i remember like three days after it was announced i read some article in usa today where it's like

um you know uh oh ashton cocher uh psychologically uh ever since he took on the role of charlie sheen in uh a few good men or whatever that two boys and a baby or whatever the hell that show is Because he's an actor, he psychologically adopted the character's role, and he became full of bad behavior, and he assumed the identity of the Charlie Sheen character, and everything went to pot. But what a load. What a load. You know, and just attacking them and blaming them. And, you know, in every relationship, it's just, it's a design.

dissolving of two people, you know, and yes, in any relationship, one person can be way worse than the other, but at some level something dissolves the whole thing, and it takes two. So I was just sad to see them break apart. They were kind of one of those standout couples where, you know, to be honest, when you heard about it at the beginning, you thought the odds were against it right out of the gate because he was like a kid and she was like, you know, an older mature woman. Excuse me. And so you're kind of like, huh, what? You know, this can't work or can it, you know? And then after I spent time with them, I was happy about it. I was like, wow, this can work. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount, and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then, you know, it's gone. Another one gone. And a lot of people listening, probably like, who cares? And I guess, you know, I care to the point that I spend time with them, and it's a little more personal than, you know, than just gossip to me. I mean, I only spent the one time with Ashton and Demi, but I'd spent time with Ashton prior to that many times. And, you know, he did the old punk thing on me.

And he's a good kid. He's a smart kid. And so anyways, don't believe all the crap you read about them. And, you know, wherever both of them are, we wish them well. It's never easy losing someone you love. especially when it's dragged under the spotlight of the public eye, public scrutiny. And, you know, imagine your own breakup, how painful your own breakup was or is. I mean, I don't know that there's anything worse.

And imagine, apply what they have to go through to you. Imagine if all your dirty laundry was thrown on the front page of the paper, talked about on the news and then on top of it most of it was completely inaccurate and false. I mean add that to the already crushed feelings you're having

inside and I think you get the picture so best of luck to them and golly I hope you're not going to anything like that so there you go let's move on to something a little cheery

shall we gang god listen to me cheery little whistle on me huh like everything's perfect in the world okay i'm feeling good but how about you do you have a good day maybe not maybe you got fired huh you ever get fired from work and you feel lousy and you think the whole world should feel lousy with you sometimes people just don't care just want to make you yourself happy, go for some ice cream, some Baskin Robbins ice cream, that'll take the worry of the world off your shoulders, right? Everyone cares there in ice cream land. Well, why don't we test the theory? I'm going to give old Baskin Robbins a call and see how they feel about me getting fired. Here we go. Hello, Baskin Robbins. Hello? Yes. I just lost my job,

today and I need some ice cream to cheer me up. Do you have any exciting new flavors? What flavor? Exciting new ones? Like rainbow or? Yeah, we have rainbow and the rock and pops. Rock and pops? Yes, it's the new one. It's very popular. It's popular. What's in it? Like hazelnuts and cashews and chocolate chips and whatnot? No nuffin it. Oh. Wouldn't have any tips for a new job in it, would it? Green-colored grave sherbet and purple-colored green apple sherbet. A lot of this popping candy. Oh, like pop rocks?

Yeah. Do you think it'll cheer me up? I just lost my job today. I don't know. I just need some new exciting flavor to cheer me up. You also have Jemaka almond. Chimoka almond? My boss's last name was Jamoka

I don't know if I want that one You should have seen him He just walked right into my office and said you're done I was there for four years and he just fired me Now all I want is some exciting new flavors of ice cream You can get here and test every new item Do you have chocolate chip or anything? Yeah

Do you have any flavor with razor blades in it? or anything? Waste me to this? I'm not feeling too good right now, and I just need to be cheered up by some nice exciting new ice cream. Yeah, I don't know what's your... Okay, well, maybe I should just come in, huh? Yeah, it'll be good. Okay, I'll come in and see you, I guess.

Save some of that new rock' and poppin' chalk and walking for me, okay? Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot. Bye. Bye. Wow. Well, I guess I should just go right in there and see them, right? She didn't sound that worried that I was let go. Didn't have any razor blade ice cream,

but it sounded like she had some scrinkle-crinkle, prinkle-trankle-trankle, fluffle-binkle-dinkle-plop. So I'm excited to try that flavor. Slurp, slurp, lick, chomp. Oh, you gotta love the Baskin-Robbins. You ever get those people, though, if you notice this Baskin-Robbins has this little secret service they provide, they have these little tiny pink spoons. They look like elf spoons, you know, like an elf would use. They're little tiny little pink plastic spoons.

And if you've never tried a flavor, you can sample it. You can go, oh, hi, could I, I've never had that flavor. Could you give me a little sample, and the guy will take a little plastic spoon, give you a little mini scoop, and then you can shove it in your pie hole and try it. Okay, you can eat it right there in the store. And I've been in situations where you get people that I think that's all they come in for. They have no intention of buying a scoop of ice cream. They just sample everything. I've seen it. I've seen chicks and they're like, can I try that one?

What's the green one with the sprinkles in it? That's the mint chocolate chip. Let me try a sample of that, would you? Give me that. Oh, that's wonderful. But now what's this one over here with the yellow stripes and the little crunchy things? Oh, that's the Rocky Root ice cream? Let me try it.

Let me try the rocket. And eventually they're running out of flavors. They're trying everything. And what's that one there? It's just white. It looks like it's white. Oh, that's the vanilla ice cream? Yeah, I've never tried that one.

Give me a scoop of that one. And then I'm going to get out of here after that. Miss, you've tried 34 of our 35 flavors so far already. Yes, and give me that last one. What did you say it was? I've never heard. heard of it. That's a vanilla? Yeah, give me that vanilla.

You know what? I'm just full. I can't eat another drop. You know what? I'll come in another time and we'll do this again. Why don't you fuck off? Excuse me? That's my latest flavor. Fuck off out the door, you fat pig? Oh my God, right? I mean, come on, man. Have one maybe too but don't go on a rampage

people eat in like every you know five or six or seven we know what you're doing cheap ass all right a kitty cup of ice cream is like three bucks don't be such a cheap ass that you're going to go in and uh eat the damn ice cream okay little little pink elf elf scoop by elf scoop weasel oh god the things we do

the things we do oh yeah we we love to eat man we love the food we love the snacks and ice cream is one of those incredible like uh you know they're they're one of those happy foods

um you know they're kind of like whenever you're feeling or you need a little pick-me-up. What? Who's calling in? I don't have anything scheduled. No, hang up on them.

I don't know. Who is it? Oh, God. No, no, no. No. We don't need George Michael. What does he want, Roger? What does George Michael want?

Hello, Holland. How are you today? Oh, what do you want, Michael? It's George. George Michael. You always just call me by one name. It's George Michael. All right. What do you want? Well, I heard you talk about ice cream, Arlen. Yeah, okay.

Well, I want to talk about my new flavor. You have a new flavor of ice cream. Yes, it's wonderful, it's happy. It's just a lovely, lovely ice cold treat, Arland. Oh, boy, I can't wait to hear this. Now, don't be all down on it, look, you little twat. I made a new ice cream, and I'm not going to have you pull down your panties and crap all over it, Arland. I'm not crapping all over your ice cream. It's just, I hate when you just call my show and butt in.

I bet you like it if I butt in, your little pervert. What does that mean? Arlen, let me tell you about my new flavor of ice cream, won't you? All right, what is it? And then get out of here, George. It's George Michael, you fuck wet. Stop just use and ask me name you, dumbtard. Well, okay, George Michael, relax, dude.

Don't say dude to me. That's sort of saying from the United States of a matter, okay? In England, we don't say dude. Well, what do you say? We say, like, bloke or mate or chap, you know, but we don't say, Dude, that's like fucking ignorant, isn't it, Ireland? No, it's not ignorant. It's like a term of endearment.

Yeah, maybe in the United Day of America, uh, but not here in bloody merry old England, all right? And what are you saying, by the way, Unite, what, of something? United States of America. It's where you live, you dumbass twat. Stop calling me a dumbass twat. I can't help it if you can't pronounce the United States of America. Oh, I don't think I have any problem at all, Arly.

Let's see. It's not a problem to announce it. Oh, wow. Okay. All right, let's get this. What's your stupid ice cream so I can get on with my show? Well, ironically enough, Arlen, I've got a new ice cream named after your country there. What?

Yeah, it's called United of America. What? What is that? The United States of America Sit and Crinkle Crisp United States of America Sin a what? Cinnamon Crinkle crisp.

Crinkel crisp? Cinnamon crinkle crisp. Cinnamon crinkle crisp. That's right, all. It's bloody delicious. United States of America Cinnamon crinkle crisp? That's right, all.

That's right, Arlen, that's it. Oh, God. That sounds ridiculous. Yeah, well, So does your underpants. What does that even mean? How can my underpants sound ridiculous? Look, Alder, if you get a call my...

You're not... I'm a griggle-gris-in-a-gritty-gritty-cog-riggled ridiculous, then you've got to get right back. How's it feel, your airy-old twat? Did you just call me a hairy-old twat? That's right. You're an erie-old twat. You're a washed-up fucking podcaster.

I'm not a washed-up podcast. How dare you? How dare you? Make fun of my United States of ice cream. Oh, great. How are people going to order your ice cream, Michael? It's George Michael, you're erie twat. George Michael!

How the hell are people going to order your ice cream if they can't even announce it? What are they going to walk up high? I'd like a scoop of... Oh, that's fottinolip. Oh, that's fucking right. Isn't it, Ireland? Real fucking right. Probably like the ripe, fucking stink coming right out your fucking dirty underpants.

Would you get off my underpants? Oh, I'd like to get off your underpants, you're dirty, airy twat. Stop with the language. I try to run a clean show. You're trying to promote your friggin' crackle crisp ice cream. It's you not a great, get it right, your fuck knob. There you go again. You're trying to promote your stupid ice cream flavor,

and you're calling people fucknob and twat and hairy arse face and all this crap. Good luck selling your ice cream. Oh, don't give me that little song in dance, Ireland. All right, look, people like George Michael. They like my fucking music. They like me. They like what I did with WAM. And they're going to love my new George Michael.

Oh god. You know what? It's like somebody's like vomiting. Or it sounds like somebody's like vomiting. Or it sounds like someone's got a speech impediment, like almost like what? A little metal retarded child. Maybe, okay? The way you're, I want to, you know, the, the, um, the, the, um, think of America. It's you not a minute of America. fucking knob cheese. Okay, you know what? I'm not going to sit here and be called a knob cheese on my own podcast. Look, why don't you just do your job, promote me new fucking ice cream flavor

and lose the fucking yanky, doodle, dandy attitude, Ireland? Wait a minute, I didn't plan this phone call. I wasn't scheduled to promote your ice cream. You're not a sponsor to this show. You just called up out of the

out of Mary Old England, and you announce willy-nilly that you've got a brand-new ice cream flavor. Wait a minute. What did you just say there? A brand-new eye... No, before that. What are you something? Willie Nelson or something. I said Willie Nilly.

Oh, my God. I fucking love it, Arlen. What are you talking about? A new flavor of ice cream. Willie-nilly. Oh, my God. What you do is you get some of... Willie Nelson's teeth, and you get his air, and you mix it in with some fresh dairy cream

and little pieces of cherry, and you've got a new ice cream flavor go Willie Nilly. Oh, my God. You are retarded. Willie Nelson's teeth, Willie Nelson's hair, and you get out of here. Wait a minute, Oliver, maybe we can partner up on it. Get out of here. Don't ever call here again. Look, Alan, I'm serious about this.

I'll make some ice cream with you. I bet you want to make some cream with me. Well, how's that mean you, Eric? Get them off. Unbelievable, Roger. Can you please do a better job screening the calls? I'm sorry, Harland. Thank you.

Okay, as much. Believeable. The United States of America, cinnamon, crispy crackles, or some bull roar. I apologize for that. What a way to end the show, but what can I do? do what a nutbag i mean what do i do the guy just calls in randomly he has the number here roger lets him through thanks roger so i apologize and uh you know every now and then we have to tolerate

this crap but uh you know i try i try to get through it as delicately as quickly as i can So let's get to some announcements and then we'll bail out of here. God, just to end on that. It's just such a downer. Anyhow, announcements, don't forget tomorrow night, December 1st. Yours truly will be appearing on the Conan O'Brien show with Conan. And, you know, we always have a good time. People seem to enjoy it.

I certainly enjoy it. He seems to enjoy it. and we get a little crazy together so uh you know check it out and if you've never seen me on conan go on youtube there's about 400 episodes um and we just have a good old time so uh tune in for that if you're uh if you're able to tomorrow night conan o'brien i think he's on tbs and uh we are going to have some fun and then don't forget uh mid-december uh we are talking December 12th, we will be unleashing our new latest episode of the cock, the ass, and the pussy. Now, don't be offended.

It's an animated series that I'm doing with a couple of friends. The cock, the ass, and the pussy is a story about a rooster, the cock, an ass is a donkey, and the pussy is a cat. and there are these three guys that live in Hollywood in a run-down apartment. They have a garage band called Bull Shirt, and they're just kind of living the American sex drugs and rock-and-roll dream, man. They have dreams of being rock stars, and they're hanging out, and they're doing road gigs, and check out the latest animated episode. And that'll be on YouTube.

com backslash cap cartoon but it won't be available until uh december 12th little christmas present for the uh pavement pounders and uh i think you'll get a laugh out of it i think it's our our best episode yet it's our third episode if you want to catch up on the first two uh like i said go to youtube dot com backslash cap cartoon and get familiar with uh the character because December 12th, the new episode of the cock, the ass, and the pussy, ha ha, ha, ha, coming to you. So get ready. And then don't forget, December 15th, 16th, and 17th, my last gig of the year in Indianapolis at Crackers Broad Ripple.

If you're in the region, come on out and have some holiday laughs. and it's going to be a good time. So there you go. Don't forget to check out harlowewilms.com. Make sure you get your orders in from our store before the 13th is our last day of mailouts. December 13th is the last day of mailing merchandise so that you get it on time. Anything after that, we can't promise it'll get there by Christmas. And if you want to leave a message, 888, 52090 is my voicemail.

Harlow Williams.com if you want to email me. And thanks for riding along. Our apologies for George Michael. And until next time, everybody, chicken. Chalman, baby. Oh, that's right, isn't it, Arland? Thank you.