The Harland Highway - PODCAST 354

Episode Date: December 2, 2011

The start of Christmas, going to food court, Gene Simmons mouth, Thanksgiving food, morning mouth, freezer burn, what the TRUCK. Clam baked bonnie shells!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh yeah. It's December. It's holiday time. Whoa! It's holiday time, baby. Christmas. What a great month. What a fun month. Festivities. Fun in the air. And fun in the air right now. Fun in your hair. You're on the Harlan Highway. It's December. We're gearing up for the holidays here and a fun show today. We're going to be talking about Christmas, of course. You didn't get the hint. We're going to be talking about Thanksgiving as well. I forgot to mention my Thanksgiving dinner and the little mishap that occurred. Way to you hear that. Gene Simmons' tongue, we're going to be talking about that, of course.

Speaking of tongues, how about mouths? You ever get Morning Mouth? How do you handle Morning Mouth? Yeah, always fun. Freezer burn? How do you handle freezer burn with your freezer and your food? How do you handle food courts? We're going to be talking about food courts

and then waiting here with somebody threw in my truck. Unbelievable. I can't wait to tell you about it. Someone threw something in the back of my truck. on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

One Keith Burger was everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, this is Harland Williams, and you're trucking down the Harland Highway, you wild cats. Did you wake up this morning feeling groovy and hot?

Or did you wake up with morning breath? Oh, morning breath. I wonder if morning breath is affected by what you dream about. Like if you dream about running through a field full of monkeys, Did you wake up with monkey breath? If you had a dream that you were in a store, trying on Eskimo clothing, do you wake up with Eskimo breath? It's a toughie.

Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend and one of those morning kissing people? They don't really get it. They wake up and they want to kiss you. And you're like, I love you, baby, but no, no, no, no. Don't be putting your mung, your dirty mung lips all over mine. But you can't not do it because I'm like, with the matter, you don't love me?

Why won't you to sample my morning mung mouth? What, you don't like mouth crust? You don't like the smell of rotten tomatoes? And then you do it, and you go, okay, I just, I won't breathe. I'll breathe through my mouth. but you can't hold your breath that long because now they want to be like neckin with you so you got to take a breath

and it's like, oh, I love you, baby, but do I? I mean, do I love you this much? And then you're like, okay, hold on, it's just about to end. And then they shove their tongue in your mouth. Ah, what's worth the morning mouth? morning tongue.

Looks like it's snowed in their mouth. There's that layer of white stuff laying on the roof of their tongue. You're waiting for that little elf with the cloven feet from Narnia to come running out from the back of their throat. Come with me to Narnia. Running through the snow drift on their white tongue covered with morning mong. All right. Enough. enough.

Rinse out, sleep with a listerine strip on your tongue. I don't know. People put those stupid things on their noses, those little nasal strips. Can't we all sleep with a listerine strip on our tongues? So you wake up in the morning, you roll over, you kiss your lady or your man, and it's like, hey, baby,

you smell like really weird chemicals and formaldehyde. I think I'll go back to the mung. Keep it clean here, people. Rinse and spit. Here on the Harland Highway. Ooh, whoa, yeah. Okay, yeah, you're hearing the Christmas music. I gave him a heart.

The very next day I had to pay Alamonian. You know the story. Hey, Christmas music, Merry Christmas. Let me be the first to say it. It's December the first. Okay? Well, it's December the second,

but it's the very beginning of December. which is Christmas season, so I thought I'd kick it off with some joyous, joyous Christmas music. And man, did they start it early this year, didn't they? Usually they wait till after Thanksgiving, and then the day after Thanksgiving, boom. Here comes the Christmas tsunami, man, commercials and posters and window displays and yada, yada, yada. But did you notice this year, man? They started the Christmas stuff like November 1st. They're like, you know what?

This economy blows. Screw Thanksgiving. We're getting a three and a half week jump on this crap. It's November. I saw leave fall. That's cold enough for me. Put up the Christmas crap. Roll out the commercials.

Someone wakes. say it up clang clang clang clang clang what the hell's going on you're doing it early this year you old geezer oh christ that's right christmas oh boy so i at least held off until i'm like no way i'm waiting until december there's no way i'm doing a preemptive podcast christmas strike on you folks no way so a little Christmas music to kick it off and we're going to have a fun-filled month we're going to have all kinds of

Christmas guests and Christmas stories and of course we'll have the the Christmas Day parade right before Christmas by John and John fresh off of the I guess we just had the Thanksgiving Day parade last week or somewhere in there.

And now they're gearing up for the Christmas Day parade. Let's hope it's a good one this time. So there you go. Merry Christmas. It's December. And here we go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy. What a day to be alive, people, huh?

You want to hear about my dilemma? I had to go to court today. Yeah, I had to go to court. You ever been to court? Oh, man, that is taxing. It's upsetting. It's confusing. It's draining.

Yeah, I had to go to court. You've probably been to the court I went to. The food court? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'd go to food court. And my crime? Not knowing what to eat. That's what you're guilty of.

Not knowing what you want to cram into your big greasy gobbhole. So there I am standing in food court, all the guys at Sabaro and Chinese panda and city walk and New York fries and Baskin Robbins and Pizza Hut and Johnny's Greek sandwiches and Captain Willie's fish and chips, they're my judge and jury. They stand there with their eyes all glazed over and beady watching me walk past. Trying to lure me in with their seductose. Some of the real... You want to try some orange peel chicken? Just try a little sample on the toothpick. You try this piece of meat off a toothpick.

Then you're going to want a whole bowl of it. Nice try, buddy. I'm going over to Captain Dingo's wallaby sticks or whatever. And so you're there and you can't decide where to eat. You go to one and you're all... You'll decide it. Hey, I'm going to get the... the submarine sandwich, just way over there, and you go, and you get in line, and there's like

eight people in front of you, and you go, you know, I wasn't really feeling a subway sandwich, I'm going to go over there and get that Chinese food, man, you go over there, and some old ladies fumbling through her change purse, getting the exact change, because God forbid she break another dollar bill. What, 85 cents? Oh, okay, here's here. Three nickels, and one quarter. Wait a minute.

Let me get in here with my crippled fingers. There's a penny. And you're like, you know what? I wasn't really feeling the Chinese food either, you know? I think I'm going to go over there and get a roast beef sandwich at the Arby's. Then you get over to the roast beef sandwich place. And all right, no line up, no obstacles. and you get up and the kid's like,

hi, may I take your order? And he's got like some meat stuck in his braces and you're like, oh man, looks like somebody just ran over a raccoon with your teeth, buddy. You know, I wasn't really feeling the rose beef. I'm about a food court, man.

I'm guilty of being hungry. I'm going to go home and eat my couch. No, I'm not really going to eat my couch. I would probably break my teeth. And speaking of teeth, I think I told you a few shows back that I bumped into Paul Stanley from Kiss at my last dentist appointment, right? And I thought about it later.

I thought, man, imagine if your patient was Gene Simmons and you're a dentist. You know, Gene Simmons from Kiss, the guy that looks like a devil, and he's got that, like, 19-inch-long tongue? How do you get around teeth when you got a tongue that pig in your mouth? Is it rolled up in there? Is it you have to strap it down with twist ties? Do you have to staple his long giant lizard tongue down?

What if it pops loose? You're in the middle of drilling. Dentis is drilling away and all of a sudden that tongue comes out and wax them in the eye like a frog snapping at a fly I mean that guy has a long-ass-tong-as-tong-as-tongue. What if he starts spitting blood all over you like he does on stage? Okay, Mr. Simmons, you're going to have to stop bringing up the blood. So it's just something I thought about afterwards, and I was like, good Lord.

It's got to be a real obstacle to have a big, fat, juicy, long, lizard-like, Komodo dragon-like tongue. It's got to be an ordeal to go to the dentist. Maybe they have to double tape it to the roof of his mouth or something. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. And oh my God, speaking of tongues. I forgot to mention this last week, okay? Just around, during the Thanksgiving special show, I talked about being a picky eater and, you know, worried about strangers cooking my food. And, you know, the way they prepare it, the way they touch it, the things they do, right? So here I am, I go over to some friends' house. Oh, God. My worst fear comes true.

I go to a friend's house, and there's a bunch of people there, and they're cooking the Thanksgiving dinner. And I'm like, okay, I can do this. And there's this one guy in the kitchen doing all the cooking. And he's, like, stirring stuff, and he's got four different pots on the oven. And he's, you know, stirring and adding ingredients. You know, he's being like a Martha Stewart in the kitchen. and I don't even know if this was his girlfriend or his wife or just a buddy.

I think it was just a friend. There was a woman sitting in the living room, you know, just chit-chat with everyone, drinking some wine. And this is one of those houses where the wall between the kitchen and the living room is open. So you can be cooking on the stove and looking out into the living room and watching TV. It's like a big open rectangle type of thing. Nice setup, right? So we're just all sitting there talking.

This guy's prepping the meal. We're like, you know, 20 minutes away, you know, half an hour away from eating. And this guy's stirring away. We're gabbing and all of a sudden he goes to this girl, you know, she's been sipping her wine for 20 minutes, her red wine. And all of a sudden this guy's like stirring a pot. He's like, quickly, hand me your wine. Hand me your wine.

I'm like, what the hell? So this girl hands the cook, or the guy that's cooking, her glass of wine. And I'm thinking he's going to take a sip, and Chef Boyardee, you know, pours some of her wine into the food and starts stirring it in. He poured her wine that she's been drinking for 20 minutes. with who knows what's in her mouth, pours it into the food we're about to eat. Ah! Are you kidding me?

And I guess this guy must have known this girl, so obviously he's got a comfort level with her. I've never met her in my life. I don't know who she is. I don't know what she's done. I mean, if you're in a restaurant, Does the chef run out and go, excuse me, madam, may I borrow your half-drank glass of wine, please? Uh, what for?

I'm going to pour it in everybody's food that I'm preparing. Oh, yes, please. I mean, good Lord. So all of a sudden, I'm like, clench up. I'm like, oh, my God, the exact reason I said I don't particularly love going to the potluck crazy Thanksgiving dinners, don't know everybody. I guess if ever I was a control freak, it's with food. It's like, I got to know what's happening with it. So then I had to, like, stay away from anything that was vaguely looked like it had been stirred or mixed or anything like that.

Because I clearly saw him pour it into some steaming concoction that he was stirring. I don't know if it was sweet potatoes. I don't know if it was whatever it was. but I was like, oh, no, God. So there you go. See? Oh, Lordy. Just going to have to...

Next Thanksgiving, it's going to be like, Hi, welcome to McDonald's Drive-Thru. What can we get you? Yeah, I'd like the McTurkey Dinner Burger, please. They should make a hamburger filled with stuff. stuffing and make it out of turkey meat and have a gravy sauce. What am I? I just invented an incredible sounding burger right there.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. But if they had a mcturkey dinner burger at McDonald's, I think that's what I'd have to do. I'd huddle my family around the drive-thru and give thanks. And the other weird thing, here's the other weird thing, which was kind of nice. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I mean, it was awesome that these people had me over

and were so generous. It was fantastic. But that was the one phobia I told you about before Thanksgiving started. And then here's the other weird one. And this was kind of funny. My buddy who was hosting, his girlfriend, you know, she was one of these girls.

Let's form a circle. Everybody hold hands and let's give thanks. So, you know, I get up and I try to maneuver it so that I'm between like two girls holding hands in the circle of thanks, right? Wrong. I get into the shuffle and I'm holding some lady's hand. I don't know who she is. And on the other side, I'm holding my buddy's hand to invite me over. He's like a big strapping dude.

Suddenly I'm holding hands for like four minutes with one of the other side. And that's with one of my best buddies. Awkward. Very uncomfortable. I just, I don't want to be holding a man's hand. I don't care if it's my dad or my brother. I don't want to be holding the dude's hand. Being all sensitive and giving thanks and crap.

The hell is that? I'll be thankful when this little fairy circle ends. It's just bizarre. Just feels weird. You hang out with your buddy for 25 years. You play football. You go to movies. You goof around.

Suddenly you're holding his hand for five minutes. And then you're like, how do I hold this guy's head? I like kind of held it hard. So, you know, just to like keep the masculinity going like, yeah, I'm a tough guy. I'm some strong. This is just a Thanksgiving thank you circle, man. Like, how do you hold a guy's hand? Your buddy's hand?

Did you hold it lightly? Do you put your fingers in between each other's fingers? Do you... Oh, God! Talk about awkward! It was just some bizarre stuff for Thanksgiving. But I do give thanks, regardless of the weird bloopers. Great times, good friends.

I hope you had a good one, too. Maybe next year I'll have some other squeamish stories to report. Let's just hope the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's doesn't drool on my mcturkey dinner burger. Burr, burr, burr, burr. It's cold outside, isn't it? Huh? You chilly? Cold.

What is cold? How does cold happen? We're just hanging around on the planet. Everything's sunny. Everything's beautiful. You're up playing frisbee. Catching frisbys in your teeth, doing backflips. And then cold. Cold comes.

Where does it come from? You can't see it. It's just there. What purpose does it serve? I guess we need it to keep our food frozen. Anybody here have a freezer? Gee, no, Harlan. None of us have a freezer.

Uh, anybody else? of a toilet in their house, uh, okay, okay, that's stupid question sometimes, I admit it, but you ever go into your freezer? There's stuff in there that's been there since 1973. It's beyond frozen. I mean, it's so frozen, it froze over itself. Even the frozen on your frozen food is frozen. You've got like a fillet of fish and it's crystallized.

Ha, you've got waffles that come out, and it looks like there's, uh, someone scraped their hockey skates all over them. It's just like overly frozen. Like if a polar bear broke into your house and raided your freezer, he'd be like, oh, no way, man. I'm going to make a hot chocolate. This stuff is, it's stale. Somehow it's like frozen stale. You've actually locked in the staleness by freezing it. Ugh.

Don't even defrost it, man. You don't know what's going to. You defrost that stuff. It'll probably just vanish. It'll be like some kind of weird Star Trek creature. Just like turn into sand and just drift away. It's been frozen for years. Clean out your freezers, people.

Defrost your mind here on the Harlan Highway. And it's our own fault, really, isn't it? I mean, you think freezer means it can last forever. And so you'll put something in there and just go, that's fine. I'm not kidding. I honestly, right now, as of this moment, have stuff in my freezer that's probably well over three years old. Okay? Well over three years old.

I know I do. I went fishing up near Alaska like three years ago, maybe three and a half years ago and caught some salmon. and I had the salmon smoked and shipped back down to L.A. And I put it in my freezer and it's still there. And here's why it's like, you know, when you catch a salmon up by Alaska, they're big. These things are like 10, 20, 30 pounds. So I have this big ass thing. I got all this smoked salmon.

I can't eat that much. So I just left it and it's still there. I don't even, why don't I throw it out? Why don't I go out and try to bait some grizzly bears? Go out and catch me a cougar or something. Tie my smoked salmon to the end of some kind of wire and throw it over the fence. See if I can catch my neighbor's pit bull or something.

You're going to need a bigger yard. It's a 20-pounder. 25 I mean it is weird we hoard our freezer stuff I bet every one of you listening right now can poke your head in your freezer and I'll bet there's something in there that's at least half a year old throw it out will you maybe we can't throw it out if everyone cleaned out their freezer at once and it was all thrown into the landfill and it all started melting simultaneously.

Oh, my God, we might flood the mainland. Maybe it's safer that that water's frozen, those water crystals and that frost all over your frozen green beans. Maybe it's better that we keep stuff in storage. forget what I said about everybody throwing something out no that would be like you'd have to build a Noah's ark all that residue water would would melt off and we'd all be underwater man so there you go just disregard everything I said keep it frozen and let's let's keep each other alive shall we um and here's something I'd like

like to freeze. Listen to this story, man. Okay? This is bizarre, maddening, disgusting, questionable. I mean, all these things come into play with this next story. I'm just, I'm baffled. I'm befuddled by this one, okay? So I have a big old pickup truck, right? And you know pickup trucks. You have the front part where you sit and then you have the back part it's an open like a bit of a truck where you can throw lumber and you know rocks and your hockey bag you can put your friends out there if they're farting too much in the cab of the truck right so i drive around i've been driving around for probably 20 years with a pickup truck i love pickup trucks right so uh you know a few days ago, I pull in to, uh, you know, go someplace and, uh, I get out and I walk past the back

of my truck and I glance into the back part and there's something in the back of my truck. I'm like, wait, what the hell is this? I didn't put anything in the back of my truck. And I look and it's this bundle of white cloth. I'm like, what the hell is that? I look again, It's a friggin diaper. Not just a diaper, a used diaper. What? Some douchebag. I don't know when.

I don't know where. I don't know how. Some douchebag threw their used baby's diaper into the pack of my truck. The hell is this? I'm driving around with a bundle of babymen. are you kidding me what the hell who does that it's like holy shit man the baby just crapped us we got to get rid of this stuff let's get let's find a garbage can or you know let's throw it out the window

under the side of it hey that truck looks nice i love those trucks oh my god is that a is that a ford oh my god let's put the diaper in there this guy will love this give him a little present. What the hell? And now I'm walking around. I'm like circling the back of my truck, like a hyena walking around a wounded zebra. I'm like, wait, what the hell?

Let me get another angle. Is that what I think it is? Is that puffed up bundle of cloth with the little images of giraffes on it? Is that really in the back of my truck? And sure enough, now I'm like, how do I get rid of a frigging duff? diaper. Now I pull over to the gas station. I'm filling up. I'm like, how do I got to get rid of this thing. So now I have to like go up and grab the edge of this diaper. Okay. And I'm praying when I pick it up. It doesn't flop open and expuse its gooey inner nummies.

Because you know it's just, you know, overflowing with probably, you know, what color is baby poo? it's probably overflowing with like a neon brown baby poo and I'm just like I can't believe this here I am a grown man no kids and I'm grabbing a dirty baby diaper out of the back of my truck I hustle it over to the garbage can and I like I felt even bad putting it in the garbage can I was like oh I can't no I can't put that wouldn't be right to

put a bundle of baby pooing with the nice garbage. That's not right. I was like flummoxed. I was like, if someone get me a biohazard, a hazmat suit? Someone show me

a lead, a lead pipe going into the center of the earth and let me throw this thing down there and seal it with molten lava. Let the lava solidify and forever entomb this load of pamper-wrapped baby gravy.

God. The nerve, man. And I even wondered, I wonder if a baby did it. Like some little baby had a thing for trucks, I don't know. But whoever you are, whoever the baby diaper bomber is, up yours. And up yours to your baby. your brand new baby you know what it's probably never been flipped off let me be the give it its first flip off in its life i don't care if it's four months old there's a

there's a flip off to you baby for you and your parents and bombing my truck with your ass candy unbelievable man oh i can't wait to find these people because you know what my grandmother and grandfather wear diapers and if you thought baby gravy was sick oh wait a way do you get a sample of grandpa lumps okay payback is a be itch okay enough enough what a world what a crazy mixed-up world oh lucky i'm in it to make people like about these things, right? And if you want to laugh, my last gig of the year coming up real quick, December 15th, 16th, and 17th, Indianapolis.

There's a great club called Crackers Broad Ripple in Indianapolis, Indiana. And come on out, check me out, December 15th, 16th, and 17th. great times, great shows. We're going to have fun. And don't forget, get your orders into our web store. Last delivery mailout is going to be December 13th. So if you don't have your order in before that, we can't guarantee you'll get your presence before the big day. So there you go.

Feel free to call, leave a message 888, 520, or you can write me at harlore williams.com and don't forget coming up oh my gosh so excited just over a week from today on december 12th we will be premier premier premier i can't say it i'm all i'm all shocked and i'm all tormented from the baby bombing we will be premiering, I still don't think I said it right, but that's good enough. We will be premiering, I can't say it, premiering the cock, the ass, and the pussy, which is not what you think it is. It is an animated cartoon that I created, animated with a friend of mine, David, Karen,

and we will be presenting that on December 12th, on YouTube. It'll be the premier showing of the third episode of this cartoon, the cocked, the ass, and the pussy, which is about a donkey, a rooster, and a cat who lived together in Hollywood and have a garage band called Bull Shirt. It's going to be a funny episode. If you want to check out the other episodes, you can go to YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon.

And we will be posted. the new adventure on December 12th. A little Christmas present for you folks from yours truly. So that's it. That's all I got time for. I got to go pressure wash the back of my truck. Thanks for being here, everybody. Great to have you along.

And we will catch you next time. But until then, chicken. Chow me, baby. Today.