The Harland Highway - PODCAST 356

Episode Date: December 7, 2011

Texting and flirting, a visit from Dead Julia Childs, English driving rules, a deadly phone app, and a call from rocker George Michael. Burp my bongo baby!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Goody two, goody-to, goody-goody-to shoes. Goody-two, goody-to, goody-to, goody-to shoes. Um, no meaning. Just, why did I even do that? Goody two shoes. Okay? Whoopi-doo, welcome to my world. Welcome to the podcast, the Harlan podcast, the Harland Highway podcast. Oh my God, I finally got it out after that ridiculous opening song.

What a show we have. Dead Julia Childs will be here telling us about some incredible food stuffs for you to consider. We're going to be talking about texting and flirting. Are you a text flirt? I hope not, man. I got something to say about that. How about driving? Have you ever driven on the other side of the pond?

English style, UK style? Not fun. I'm going to get into that. um george michael will be calling in oh god no no no but yes yes yes he will be calling in not happy about it ever he's weird uh and then a deadly phone app i'm going to tell you about an app you can download on your iPhone could ruin your life could make your life better it's killing me you're going to hear about it right here, because we're all alive on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human bee. God damn it!

Hong Kong, two, two, beep, beep, you are motoring down the Harland Highway with me. Harlan Williams. Are you in your cars? Are you driving? Or you're on foot? I like driving everywhere. Walking ate my bag, man. I used to walk a lot when I was younger, but now, get me behind the wheel.

I like to drive. I like to mix it up, you know? I like to drive on the other side like the British people do, you know. I just like to sit on the passenger seat. Yeah, I stretch my leg over and one of my arms and I sit in the passenger seat. I steer and I pump the gas from the passenger seat. Not only is exciting, but it's a good workout. It's like the Jane Fonda workout.

You're stretching your inner thigh and you're stretching your lats and your glutes and your triceps are getting a good workout. because you're stretching all the way over. And you're just sit in a car and you pretend you're like from London, right? And you just drive through the countryside, looking for jelly shops. Or like maybe you pull over and have like a grumpet and a cup of tea, eh? Have a cup. They don't even say tea anymore.

They just go, you what, let's have a cup. You want a cup? A cup of what? It doesn't matter. Let's have a cup. No, I want an ointin my cup. It's just a cup of. Could be a cup of air, could be a cup of water.

It's just a cup of. How about the cup of my bra, eh? How about the cup of my bra? Well, okay, I'll have that. Why do they drive on the other side of the road? What's wrong with them? Why can't they be like the real English people like us? We drive on the right.

Do you ever go over there? It's like, I don't know, man. It's like someone grabbed your head and shook it around like an etch-a-sketch. Suddenly you're driving in the oncoming traffic lane, but somehow it's the right lane. Or you go to get on an on ramp and you're going on the off ramp to get on the on ramp. It's creepy. You go to pass someone instead of going out into the next lane, you drive around through a field. Because you're cutting off on the wrong side.

I don't know. But it's fun. It's a fun little exercise. Don't try it unless you do some stretching first. It ain't easy being British. but it's easy to be here with you, trucking along, getting you home on the Harland Highway. Yeah, baby. Yeah, I'm not even kidding about how scary it is.

If you're not used to driving on the other side, it is a freak fest. I actually did that where I took an exit ramp, and I was over in Ireland driving around, and I took an exit ramp, which I thought was an exit ramp, and all of a sudden coming at me was an 18-wheel or a big rig. I'm heading up the exit ramp. He's heading down, and I'm like, oh, my God, he's probably going, oh, my Jesus, look at the stupid American. Look at the stupid Canadian there driving on the wrong side of the road.

I think I'm going to crush him, turn him into a mashed potato. Yeah. It was scary. I actually had to lurch off onto the shoulder and, like, get out of the way. I'm like, what am I doing? And I wasn't being an idiot about it. It's just your brain. It's like training your brain.

You don't walk backwards, right? All of a sudden, you wake up and you, well, I guess I better go to work and walk backwards. Your brain, things forward. You've been doing it your whole life. Suddenly you're on the opposite side of the road. You're steering wheels on the wrong side of the vehicle to throw in an extra little gag? I mean, it's crazy, man. And then the other thing in some of these roads in Ireland, in particular, man,

it's like here in North America, the roads are pretty wide, okay? Like if a car's coming one way and another car's coming the other way and you pass, At the moment you pass each other, there's probably like, you know, a good maybe three, four feet in between your vehicles, okay? If it's a two-way highway, right, where you're both on the same road, but you're going in opposite directions. There's probably a good two to four feet in between if you're driving past each other. In Ireland, the only space between you and the other. car is the line, the dotted line up the middle of the road. And what's that thing, about eight inches wide?

That's your space. I don't know if they're like, well, we've got to be preserving the asphalt. We don't want to be using too much now, so let's make the roads the bare minimum. How wide is a car? A car is 4.2 feet. So let's make the road 4.3 feet on the right side. we'll put eight inches for the line in the middle and then 4.3 feet on the left side. That'll give everyone approximately seven inches to get by each other.

Good Lord. You couldn't put an extra foot on each side, give us a little room. You're like white knuckling it all through the... You're like, let's drive through the beautiful Irish countryside and look at the rolling green hills and the emerald valleys and the sheep herders and the leprechauns. Screw that. You're like white knuckle on it.

You're so terrified of driving. You're so close in proximity to the oncoming traffic. You're just like, you're this like blood pressure drive. It's like, oh, oh, you got to, if you, if that wheel fluctuates just a mill, You're on the other side getting a frontal, uh, full-on collision. Yeah. It's scary, man. So, uh, I'm Irish, but screw the Irish for making their roads so tight and drive them backwards.

Lord Jesus. What? Someone's on the phone. Who's on the phone? I didn't schedule anything. Who? No. I don't want to talk to this guy. I did not schedule this.

I'm not just having this guy call me willy-nilly whenever he wants and butt into the middle of my podcast. I'm in the middle of talking to the listeners, okay? And they deserve better than this. So I'm not taking the call. I know who this guy is. He's calling from the United Kingdom, right? I know who is.

No, don't put him through. Whatever you do, don't... Oh, come on. What are you doing, Roger? Hello, Harlan. How are you doing? It's George Michael calling the United Kingdom. I know who it is. What do you want, George? It's George Michael, fucknobby.

Don't start with the thing. Well, you always call me by one name, and it's two. Well, who has two first names? George and then Michael. All I do, you fucking tabby. cabbage patch pig. Don't call me a cabbage patch pig. Well, what?

That's what you are, isn't it? What do you want and why are you calling my show? Why do you always interrupt it? Hey, take it easy, Arland. It's just me. I was listening to you a bit about driving all the other side of the road over here in the United Kingdom. In the what?

In the United Kingdom. The United Kingdom? That's what I say. You got waxing you ears, Arland. Look, I finish that topic. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Well, I just called to back you up, Arlen. It's true.

We do ride on the side of the road over here in the United Kingdom. Yeah, okay, great. I already made that point. And what's funny about what you said is, I like to walk backwards, Arlen. What do you mean you like to walk backwards? Well, you were talking about walking backwards, right? Just like, instead of driving all the other side of the road in the United... In the what?

In the United States of America. That's what I said, Arlen, the United States of A-A-A-A-A-A. All right. Where did you learn to speak? Excuse me. All right, what do you want? I told you I was walking backwards, Arland. Okay, whoopi-do.

And I do enjoy walking backwards. Okay. Why do you want? walk backwards? Well, it's interesting. If you're out in a crowded street or out at like a fairground or something. Okay. And you're in a huge crowd of people. Right? Okay. And let's say if you break it down, right? What do you mean break it down? Well, if you're in a huge crowd, you've got children. Okay, children. You've got old people. Okay. You've got old people. Okay. You've got Women, ladies, right?

Okay, you've got women. And then, of course, you got men, Arlen. Okay. Well, I figure if you walk backwards, low enough to a crowd. Yes. Eventually. Yes. You're going to back.

Yes, you're going to back into a man, Arland. What are you talking about, Michael? It's George, Michael, fickle stick. All right, relax. What I'm talking about, Arlen, is maybe eventually you've got to walk backwards right into a full-grown man. What does that mean? Well, maybe someone's homosexual there, right, Arlen? Yeah, we know you're homosexual, whoopi-do.

Well, if you're all not getting on board with what I'm talking about, right, walking right backwards into a man with his jilly-diggle hanging out. With his what-a-wiggle? His jillie-diggle wiggled. Willie? But what'd you just call me Willie? If he's got a jilly wiggle. What is a jilly wiggle, George? It's George Michael.

Sputterscotch, fuck, step. Alright, relax. A jilly wiggle is when a man's got a little what we call an erection, Arland. Oh, God. That's right, and if I'm walking backwards through a crowd... You're walking backwards to a crowd, hoping you bump into a guy with a full-on gillian an erection? That's right, Harlan, with a

cloud that big, eventually it's got to happen. All right, that's just disgusting, George. George Michael fucking abominable snowman fuck face. Relax, dude. I'm just trying to tell you,

Arlen, and keep it with your bloody topics. No, what you're doing is sick. What you're doing is trolling. I beg your part in, Arland. You're walking backwards, you're fishing for men in a crowd, walking backwards, hoping you bump into some guy who just might happen to having a half an erection going. That is sick, George Michael. Well, thank you for getting my name right.

And like, you don't have any little disgusting avids, eh? You're a little pervert. No, I don't, okay? I have a lot more respect. I would sooner go on an internet dating service. then walk around backwards to a crowd, hoping I bump into a man who may be hard by fluke? Well, look at the homophobic.

Excuse me? Look at the homophobic in the United States. Oh, don't go down that street. Yeah, that's what. All you fucking Americans are all picking on the fighting omicuals, eh? What? What did you say? I said you and the United States of America are always picking on the homosexuals.

In the United States of America we're always picking on the homosexuals. That's right, that's what I said. And you know it, I always picking on the... All right, we are not. Are you kidding me? Well, what's always giving me an odd time about walking through the crowd? how bat was Arlen. It's just creepy, George. It's George, Michael, you fucking peanut butter and jam,

fucking frost in flak-covered, fucking dildo. All right, you know what, I don't have to take this. I'm hanging up on you. Oh, that's the way to do it, eh? We don't want a doctor the Omeatual in the United... Okay, I don't even understand what you're saying. You don't want a doctorate, oh, but that you are in the United... Cut it out!

Well, look at you being all testy, eh? Orland? I don't even know what you said, that you sounded like a gorilla in the mist, for Christ's sake. Oh, now you're comparing homosexuals to airy gorillas, eh? No, I'm not. I'm hanging up. Get out of here. Well, let me make some fucking gay gorilla sounds for you, your erie. one, oh, oh, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, whew! Hang up!

Look at what's your name, Bill? My name's George Michael. I'm an homosexual gorilla in the miss. Why don't we get Sigourney Weaver and have a fottie-threesome? Hang up, hang up on him. Hang up on that idiot. Roger! Are you kidding me?

This guy's... What the hell was? was that? I'm sorry, Harland. Unbelievable. Guys, walking around backwards through crowds looking for meat. I said I was sorry. Doing gay gorilla calls on me?

I don't want him calling back ever. I should have known I start talking about the UK. What do I get this guy? Again, I apologize to my listeners. Creep show. Let's move on, Roger. God, feel dirty. Idiot.

Hey, man, text me. No, no, don't call me. I don't want to talk to you. Just text me. What, me? Me talk to you? Huh. Oh, my God.

What's with the text-me stuff? We don't want to talk to each other anymore. We got text me. We got email. We just keep coming up with ways to communicate with each other. So we don't have to communicate with each other. Mm-hmm, that's what that is. Texting.

I got a text message from my dyslexic brother, John, the other day. It said, Uh-Zuda, uh-e-e-e-e-is-o-levas-a-lou-loukow-ch-a-chimpalal-a-wala-wala. Margaret. That's how he signed of Margaret. He's dyslexic. He can't spell John. Text me.

That's what I'm going to do if I ever get shot, man. Just to show them all a lesson. We'll be walking down the street in Dallas. A sniper hits me. Instead of just laying there going, I'm dying, help. I'm just going to text it. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What's he saying?

I'm dying. And then I'll even text that part in the... Ah, H, H, H, H, H, H, H, H, H, H, and then I'll do the dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, as if I died. You're killing me, technology. Text yourself all the way home on the Harlan Highway. You know what sucks about texting, too, man? Texting flirts. You ever get on on the old text mobile with a flirt?

It's kind of fun. It starts off. just be sitting there and all of a sudden, bole-le-le-h, someone texts you, you look, it's like, hey, what are you doing? Oh, hey, it's Cindy. Bluh, I'm not doing anything. What are you doing?

Nothing either. What do you feel like doing something? Blu-uh? Yeah, let's go, let's catch a movie. Let's go get something neat. What time? I don't know. How's your day look?

Well, I'm doing some crap, and, you know, I should be done later, Okay, let's, uh, let's do something later, uh, blah, yeah, let's do something later. What are you wearing? Blu-l-l-uh, uh, I'm just wearing my underpants. I'm sitting on the couch watching, uh, football. B-l-oh, yeah, I'm wearing my underpants, too. We should be wearing our underpants together since we're both wearing underpants.

Blue, yeah, I bet you'd like that if I was pressed up against your body right now. Blu, yeah, sure would. Blue ha ha, L-O-L birthday suits. Blue, let's get together right now. Blu-la-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-d-l-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-d-l-l-h. Right? It just keeps building and building until you're flirting and you're getting all excited. And, uh, you know, it feels like you're, you're literally, like, setting up a booty call or something.

And then all of its sudden, uh, oh, going to visit my mom tonight. Wait, what? Blu-what? Blu-op. They're going to visit my mom tonight. Forgot to tell you. Blu, having dinner at my parents' house. Blu-oh, got to go.

Someone at the door. And you're like, wait, what? What happened to all the flirting? Wait, where are you going? Come back. Come back. Blu-loop. Come back.

They're just gone. And you're like, wait a minute. I know we were flirting, but I was getting excited. This was going somewhere. And then you realize that the girl simply just like to flirt. Oh, it's fun to write little sassy messages. How fun to write little provocative notes. Little flirtations, little sexual innuendos, what have you, so on and so forth.

Up yours! That's like foreplay. That's like, you know, that's like teasing. That's like a foreplay. and then just as you start to unbutton her shirt, she slaps your hand. Oh, no, I don't do that. Don't get away from there.

But you said, I don't care what I said. But we were, I don't care what we were doing. But weren't we going to, no, I've got to go. Wow. Don't be a text flirt, and then you go from like, you feel like you're coming around third base, and then all of a sudden your friends telling you they got to do an English essay,

or they've got to be down at the bus stop to pick up their grandmother. Talk about throwing a bucket of cold water on you. Up yours. Here, let me text you this right now. Stop being a text flirt. Oh, and here's another one. Up yours. Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah.

Someone's in the kitchen. I know ho-ho, ho. But it ain't Dinah. It's Julia Child's Celebrity. chef, TV personality, connoisseur, back from the grave to help us with our eating habits. Welcome to the show, Julia Childs. Oh, just fabulous to be here. Oh, my goodness. Up in the fresh air? Oh, get so stale down there on that dirty old hole in the ground. Now, Julia, what are we cooking today? Well, we're not really cooking anything.

Today we're here to talk about various things you do and don't do in the kitchen. You mean like... Like things you eat. There's certain combinations you should never put together when it comes to food preparation. Oh, I get it. Okay, like you should never drink like a red wine with chicken. Yeah, something like that, but this is a little more elaborate. Well, can you start us off with an example?

Well, two things you never want to eat is rabbit. Okay, rabbit. And chocolate-covered raisins. Oh. Oh, yeah. The rabbit pellet thing. Call it what you want. I just would never touch it.

Nasty, dirty rabbit, leaving little chocolate raisins all around. Oh! Alright, what else you got? Well, I wouldn't recommend you eat a sausage and a calumari Oh, um... Yes, one of them fits into the other, and that's like having intercourse in your mouth. Oh boy, okay, um... Yikes, this is uh... gone down a road.

I didn't invent the food, I'm just telling you what to do with it. Yeah, okay, uh, what else you got? Well, this one's a real seafood delight. Okay, seafood. Never, ever. Mixed crabs. Okay, crab. with edible undies. Oh boy. Okay, Julia, I think I feel a little too queasy to even eat anything. Well, that's the way it goes in the kitchen. Well, I must be off to the graveyard before they stuff someone else in my hole.

Okay, Julia Childs, everybody. Thank you, Julia. I didn't mean stuff it in my hole. I meant y'all. Julia Childs, here, keeping your eating healthy. and sex-free on the Harland Highway. And speaking of being driven to my grave, excuse me, but I'm almost hesitant, afraid, petrified to do this to you, folks, to tell you about this, because it's a source of enjoyment

but also a curse in my life. Oh, God. I downloaded an app And I'm hesitant to tell you about it Because if you get this app I promise you you will get addicted to it You will do it all the time You will use up big chunks of your life

To do this And it's a game And see if you recognize this sound No Make it stop Make it stop Ah Make it stop

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh god Do you know what that is That is? is the video game centipede. And if you don't know what centipede is, ladies and gentlemen, it's a goofy little video game from the 80s

where a giant centipede slithers down from the top of the screen. He worms his way down through a bunch of digitally created mushrooms. He slithers through and his body breaks off into different. little pieces, and you shoot at him with a laser gun from down at the bottom, and you have to destroy him before he gets down to the bottom and destroys you. If he hits you, you blow up. And it's one of these games. I hope you're not like me where you just can't stop playing it.

I know how it goes. I know how it works. I know where it ends, where it starts. But yet I just keep playing it and playing it and playing it. And why am I exposing you to it? I don't want you to be addicted to this game. Why would I do that to you? Oh.

Yeah, that explosion. It's like my brain exploding. And you just get obsessed. I do it before I go to bed. I do it when I wake up. when I need to take a break in the middle of the day. I do it. Sometimes I do it at work when I'm in the sound booth.

Recording voices for cartoons. In between my lines, I sit there and play in the studio. I'll tell you, the only place it really does any good is in the airplanes. I'll tell you what, each game takes about, if you're good at it, each game takes about 20 minutes off your life. And when you play about 10 games on an airplane, presto, you're at your destination. You're like, wait, what? I was playing centipede. What happened? Attention, ladies and gentlemen. We are about to land, please. Put away your centipede.

What does that mean? So I don't know. Like I said, it's fun. It's a distraction. It's competitive. of, you're playing against yourself. But be careful. Oh, please be careful, my little children of the corn. Because there's centipedes hanging out out there. And, well, look at the time. We're at the end of the podcast.

Why did I suddenly rush to make that statement? Is it because I'm Jonzing? Is it because I need my fix? Is it because I need to get out of here and go play some centipede? well probably so there it is it's on the Apple iPhone the centipede app

God bless you if you get hooked on it don't blame me I mean God help us all but this is the end of the show put your centipedes away we're coming in for a landing and what a show it was thank you for being here as always

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is always a treat. A real, real treat. Let me get into some announcements here. My final show of the year of 2011, God, I can't believe it's 2011. My final show will be next week in Indianapolis at Crackers Broad Ripple.

That'll be December 15th. through the 17th, and it's going to be a good time out there. So if you're in the neighborhood, come on out. Crackers Broad Ripple. And check it out. Don't forget to check out what. What else? Oh, yeah, coming up on the 12th.

Monday, December 12th, my little Christmas present to you, we will be posting the latest episode of the cocked, the ass, and the pussy, which is a cartoon about a donkey, a rooster, and a cat. And they're misadventures, and this one's really funny. I think it's the best one yet. So tune in for that. You're going to be able to pick that up at our special YouTube channel. It's YouTube.com backslash cap cartoon.

And you can go there now if you want and look at the older episodes, but the new one will not be posted until. your Christmas present, December 12th. So I hope you dig it, man. Check it out. And that's it. If you want to call me 888-52090, you can write to harlomwiliams.com

and I hope you're having a great December. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. And we'll be doing our Christmas Day parade very soon later in this month. And that's it, man. I've got to get going and do some work somewhere. I've got important work I have to do.

So until next time, chicken chalmaine, baby!