The Harland Highway - PODCAST 358

Episode Date: December 12, 2011

Is the shuttle program sexual? Listener voice mail, gang signs, Hannibal Lecter, deafness, Harland's interview with actor Jay Mohr. Swap your swip sweep!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a glorious morning, unless it's not morning, and I just sucked you into a time warp. How can I sing that song if it's the middle of the afternoon or nighttime? What? What? Why am I such a time control freak? Welcome to the Harland Highway. It's fun time. It's play time. What a show we have today. And if you can hear me, that means you're not deaf. And we're going to be talking about being deaf on today's show and what a gift hearing is although you may disagree after hearing this podcast um we're going to be talking about sign language in particular gang signs um shuttlecox there's a word that's either a backyard picnic thing or it's sexual we'll decipher it today

here on the highway hannibal lector we'll be discussing uh hannibal and some great moments in history, and we're going to be listening to your messages today, some phone messages, which will be a lot of fun, and lead into a question about a famous loaf of bread I made called yeah, Brad. It's pronounced, yeah, Brad, and comedian actor Jay Moore will be here to discuss it with me. I'll be playing an interview I did with Jay to talk about fresh-baked, yeah, bread here on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway

Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here is Failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything Coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway

Look at me Damien It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being. God damn it! Oh, yay! Oh, yay. We are back rolling down the Harlan Highway,

rolling like thunder. You motoring? You're motoring through a safe community? You ever hear these stories about people that take a wrong turn off the highway? End up in the bad side of town, huh? They end up in gang country? Ooh, gang country.

Now there's a sect of society that you want to be on your best behavior around. You don't even know what they're saying to each other, man. They got like signals. They do signing. They got gang signs. They ever caught that? They flipped their fingers around.

They tap their belly. They're like umpires making the call. What chance do you have if you're not in the know? If you can't read the signals. You're done, man. Don't take a wrong turn off the highway. And what if you're like a deaf person and somehow you get lost in gangland, right? And the only thing you know how to do is sign?

Like, that's how you speak because you're deaf and you don't realize you're in gang country and you walk up to the nearest dude and you start like signing like with your fingers. You're like, hey man, can you tell me how I can get out of here? And all of a sudden, you get a lot of. belly full of lead because you said something that you ain't supposed to say we're using the old fingers scary thought watch out deaf people well i guess you can't hear me can you but if you're sitting with a deaf friend and you know how to sign them sign them and tell them my little safety tip because we want you to get home safe here on the harland highway

Yeah, that would be weird to be born deaf. Imagine not hearing anything. Imagine not knowing what music sounded like. Can you imagine? Imagine not knowing something as simple as the sound of wind, whistling. Like you don't even know that. you couldn't even hear a pin drop I wonder if deaf people can hear a pin drop though

come on you ever hear that saying it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop what if that's it's so quiet in deaf people's worlds that's the only thing they can hear every now and then they hear what would that what was that? I heard that

what was that no I heard that what was that right I mean it's pie Well, not really, but imagine not even being able to hear a pin drop. Imagine not being able to hear the dumbass thing I just said. That would be nice. I'm not making fun of deaf people.

I'm just thinking, you know, talking out loud about what a world to be immersed in. And we take it for granted, man. I mean, you know, even hearing things we don't like, you know, like loud noise. noises or annoying people or annoying sounds. Even that is something we should cherish. Cherish. Hey, want to hear the most annoying sound in the world? Guys, guys!

To not even hear a guy acknowledging the most annoying sound in the world and they're making the most annoying sound in the world. Oh, Lord. So it's interesting. Don't take it for granted. Enjoy every second that you can hear. And it's amazing how deaf people adapt, though, that they have created a sign language with their fingers,

that they can do it very fast. Some of them just motor along with the sign language thing, man. incredible um so there you go i don't know why i kind of went off on that but uh you know it just you know after doing that bit made me realize wait a minute how lucky are we all that we can hear and uh what a blessing so uh you know take your time in the day maybe listen for the sounds between the cracks if you're out in the city streets or you're driving or you're outside or you're in the house, just stop and listen. In between all the cars humming, try and listen to that, for that bird.

You know? Or listen for that, in between all the noise from the streets, listen for the crow. Or listen for something nice, something sweet, the laughter of a kid, a balloon popping. A cantaloupe fart. I don't know. I'm just trying to say, you know, take them in here. I'm going to stop talking for 30 seconds, and I want you to just take your earbuds out or whatever you got

and just listen for something nice, okay? What a dumb act is I. Here we go. 30 seconds of silence. anything anything anything sweet any just when you're listening above beyond the white noise did you pick up anything those are the little things that you take for granted and just remember there's a whole world of sound out there and uh maybe a lot of the deaf people right now are going thank god we can't hear the harland highway What a jack-wad.

Oh, I hope not. But for those of you listening, I hope you enjoyed that 30 minutes of silence, but not too much. And let's just keep on flapping the gums because I just want to keep you guys and girls smiling. You're feeling good. You got smiles on your faces.

You better. If you don't, I'm going to put one on there. Oh, you come over here. I'm going to put a smile on your face so fast you'll wish you were never born, mister. Come here, you come here. Yeah, I force a smile on your face. That's the rule here on the Harlan Highway. You've got to be smiling.

You've got to be happy. Life's too short. Even if you hate my show, be happy. Be happy that there's someone out here trying to make you smile. Even if I don't succeed, is there a crime in that? I'm trying to make you smile. there's people trying to pick your pocket there's people trying to break into your homes there's people maybe trying to kill you charge you more for gas oh what am i doing i'm trying to make you smile

give me a break even if you don't like me don't don't come down on me i'm trying to do something good here oh yeah man wow psychology 101 right there baby that one's for free next time i'm sending you a bill baby oh feeling good looking good tasting good huh you tasting good how did he make you feel claris oh remember that creepy guy hannibal lector huh from silence of the lambs oh is that what defines you as a cannibal huh that oh imagine if that's all it took that little slip of the lower lip that make you feel claris. Imagine other people in history, important historical figures, huh? JFK.

That's not what the country can do for you, but that's what you can do for your country. Oh, JFK is a cannibal. I have been to the mountain top, and I have seen the other side, and I have a dream. Oh, Martin Luther King's a cannibal man. This is one small step for man.

One giant leap for mankind. Oh, Neil Armstrong. The first man on the moon's a cannibal, man. I'm getting scared. I'm also getting hungry. I think I'll eat myself. You know what, put a smile. on my face as a kid growing up.

This is going to sound weird. And it's one of those words I don't say right. But when I was a kid, my old man, my dad, my papa, built us a badminton court. Okay? We had a cottage up in cottage country, and we had a cottage, and then we had an extra lot.

My dad bought the empty lot next door. and he put in a he cleared out the trees and leveled out the ground and put up a badminton net and we played badminton all summer me and my cousins that's all we did for two and a half months badminton badminton and as a result i got really darn good at badminton it's one of my one of my sports that i actually you know walk around bragging about like i'm good at badminton man the only problem is who the hell plays badminton except me and my cousin. So it's hard to find a casual game of badminton, but great sport, underestimated. People who have played primarily have probably played it a picnic or something and been like, oh, this is easy. But try playing badminton on a real badminton court

with the legal nets and the correct rackets and the correct shuttlecocks, which are usually the professional ones are usually made with real feathers. And my God, try chasing that around, man. It's like chasing a bullet. When you get someone who can hit that shuttlecock, I'm not kidding. You ever see a goalie? Imagine a goalie standing in net in the NHL.

And, you know, they stand there for a while, then a shot comes flying at them. Maybe they get a barrage of two or three shots in a row. But imagine with a shuttlecock, it's just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, it's back and forth so fast. Once that thing gets gone, it's literally like chasing a bullet. So it's a workout, man. It is a great game. But how about that word, though, shuttlecock.

Isn't that a strange word? it sounds like something they should name the next space shuttle or something or it sounds like space sex you know imagine some astronauts up there floating around in space you know they get a little they get a little antsy they get a little horny

there's a girl astronaut and a boy astronaut zip hey baby how about a little shuttlecock I mean, what else could you say, right? That's how you would do it. Hey, baby, you up for a little zip, shuttlecock, right? Or maybe they just should have, you know, name the space shuttle that, the shuttlecock.

Because if you look at it, you know, if they painted the shuttle, the space shuttle pink, think about it. It's got the big, tall shaft, and then it's got the big, tall shaft, and then it's got the, right at the sides by the bottom. There's the big fuel containers that look like nuts. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes.

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. They paint the shuttle copy. pink and it flies to Uranus or it probes outer space or it docks at the space station innuendo

innuendo innuendo so there you go it's uh you know you got the station that's what they should here we are ladies and gentlemen this is the nassau's 21st voyage into outer space we I'm waiting for the countdown for the Shuttlecock Voyager. The Shuttlecock Voyager. And there they go. The engines have started. The nuts have exploded. It's bursting off into space.

It's going higher and higher and higher into the sky. Higher and higher. Oh, and there's separation, right? And when those big gas, when the gas things, you know, break off that they should have a big loudspeaker on the side of the thing with a big groan

and the gas containers have separated oh right that's how oh oh that's what it sounds like at separation okay

too far am I going have I just ruined the space program for everyone great First I ruined hearing, now I'm ruining the space program. But that's got to be a good thing, right? I want to know if anyone's had outer space sex. There's got to be somebody who's done it in outer space. I mean, that's historic.

You know, it's one thing to step on the moon, but I want to know who's the first human to copulate on the moon? Who's the first one to have outer space sexual intercourse? I mean, that should be commemorated. That should be a historical landmark. Hi, aren't you the guy, the first guy, who, uh, 69 in outer space? Yes, that's me. Thank you. And you got a wonder, and I don't want to get gross here, okay?

I don't, you know me. I don't like to get overly grasping. but what about, you know, the guy's stuff getting away from him in outer space? You know what I mean? The ejaculation. I don't even like that word. Who came up with that word ejaculation? It just sounds vile.

They should just call it like wippy, something soft, the fluffy. When the guy's fluffy comes out, right? But imagine if that got away from him. Imagine it, she's like, hey, don't do it inside me. Whatever you do, don't do it inside me. So he does the withdrawal method, right? And he lets it go in zero gravity. Then you got like this white blob floating around in your shuttlecock.

You got, you got semen. God, I don't like that word either. You got sperm. You got ejaculate. You got Fluffy. You got a big puddle of Fluffy just floating around in zero gravity. And everyone's dodging it. Whoa!

Look out. Jim, look out. Your hair. Whoa. Hey, look out. Houston. We have a problem. There's Fluffy all over the controls.

We've got a short circuit. Ed here got some Fluffy on the Joyce. now there's another one joystick wow i'm just starting to realize how sexual the space program is so anyways all this from badminton are you kidding me a harmless little game my dad built a thing and i was a kid and i and now i'm talking about fluffy space fluffy space sperm on the giant pink shuttlecock what is wrong with me Or what is wrong with you for laughing? I blame you!

You were laughing! You were laughing and you egged me on. I could hear, because I can hear, I could hear you laughing. In that 30-second silent moment I did, I heard you laughing. That's what it is. I never would have talked about this.

This is on you. You should all be eaten alive. All right, I got to go. I've got to go hit a shuttlecock and release some of this stress. I'll be back in a bed. Hello, Harland Williams. My name is Ryan, and I would like to sing for you. I'm turning Japanese.

I think I'm turning Japanese. I really think so. I'm turning Japanese. I think I'm turning Japanese. I really think. show. Yeah, I love you. Talk you later. See you, my N-word. Hey, Harlan. It's Dean. How you doing? Just wondering if I could ask you a favor. Could you send me the recipe for your yeah bread?

And, yeah, I sure would appreciate it. I know that you are very busy with the things that you do. But if you can find a little time or have your secretary or whoever, just you just. Just kind of scan it and tax it on over. Email it, actually. I sure would appreciate that. The recipe for, yeah, Brad. Thanks. Hey, Arland, man.

It's Chris in Texas. I just want to let you know. I really love the show. Really love your work. Doing an awesome job. I'll actually just listen to one of your podcast right now. Anyway, hey, bro. Do you have a good one and keep up the good word, brother?

Bye. Hey Harlan. I'd just like to thank you for the podcast. I really enjoy it. It's very humorous. It always makes me smile. And sometimes it even makes me laugh. That's amazing. Thank you. What about when people move out of an apartment or a house and they teach stuff that's clearly not there? Hmm. I love that for a day. Anyways. Anyway, Arming, you're doing a great job. Oh, another great round of voice messages from the pavement of pounders. The pavement, uh, pounders. Thank you for your calls.

888, 52090. If you want to get in on the fun, uh, you know, we had a fella singing that he's Japanese to me, probably the most Caucasian version I've ever heard. If he's Japanese, I'm a Korean school girl, okay? And he ended it by saying, peace out, my N-word, whatever that, you know, okay. I have no response to that. You know, I'm white, right? And, you know, we don't use that word, right?

and then we had a gentleman asking about the recipe for yeah brad it's it's actually pronounced yeah brad and uh it comes the origins of yeah bread comes from my movie that i did i wrote and directed a feature film called fudgey wudgey fudge face uh you can buy that at harlum williams dot com in the web store you can even download it on amazon for much chance cheaper you can rent it for i think uh two bucks or something like that it's called fudgy wudgy fudge face uh it's my own indie movie that i i shot directed wrote star in it's it's pretty wacky um but in it there's yeah brad and um it's something i came up with and i recently did a uh a talk show with uh actor comedian j Moore called the Master DeBaters.

And let me play you a clip from that show where we discuss Yab Brad. Here it is. Jay Moore, Harlan Williams, a couple other guys on a panel talking about Yab Brad. Best invention since 1980. Internet. Internet? No doubt. Where else can you order groceries?

Gamble on a game. Watch the game on the internet. and then go ahead and get yourself a bride if you want one, too, all in one style. But the internet was invented back in the 50s. That's the only problem with your answer. It really was. What, it was carrier pigeons?

Like, what are you talking about? No, it was developed by computer guys, but it just wasn't developed at the capacity it's at now, so I'm afraid you're going to have to change your answer. No, he doesn't have to change internet. My name's on the wall, and I stand by Eric Burns' answer of the internet. But I would also say the internet is the most awful invented since then

because guys like me and Harlan and guys like Naeem, when we're in a comedy club, when we say some racy stuff, and some guy can record it, and all of a sudden we're on TMZ, however, every faceless, the comments on the internet, they're the ones with free speech

to people that tell you what a jerk you are on Twitter. It's like the only place in the world where you have a direct link for strangers to tell you you suck. You get out of thick skin. Well, not me, Harlan. They just, they get right at them. What do you think is the best of edges this 19-D-A-A?

I go microwave. Microwave? Yeah, go microwave. See, and that was invented way back. Okay. Do we say the 80s forward? From 1980 till now? Yes, sir.

So the microwave and the internet were created before, though. When was the microwave invented around? It's probably somewhere in the 50s. Now, why did you look at the tip of your hat for the answer? Because I have notes up there. So you're saying they should be disqualified for their answers? Well, I'm just trying to keep it real, guys. What about the Snuggie?

The Snuggie? That counts. That was invented recently, right? Yeah. Actually, it wasn't. It was invented back in the 30s. Oh, no! It's a backwards, uh, it's a backwards road.

But we're talking about names. See, microwave and internet. So what do you think, Harlan? Well, I know what it is. What is it? It's an invention I made. What is that? It's called Yeah Brad.

What is yeah bread, Harlan? Well, it's a loaf of, it's a loaf of white bread, and you squeeze it, and it goes, Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'll send you a loaf.

Do you eat this? You eat this bread? It's delicious, yeah. Now, is the bread making the yeah sound, or is the person pushing the bread? No, it makes the noise when you squeeze it. How do you make white bread... Is it white bread?

Yeah, it's white bread. How do you make a loaf of white bread make an audible sound? Is it the way you push it? What is in the invention that makes it make the sound? Well, would the kernel give away is 11 herbs and special? 11 herbs and spices, do I look like an idiot? What is it that makes the yeah bread make it sound? I can't give that away, guy.

The man of us is a senior, yeah, Brad, and you won't tell us what's happening, so why are we supposed to believe you? Well, get yourself over to Ralph's. They sell yeah bread for us. I got a big contract. What's the name of the yeah bread? Yeah.

Brad. How do you spell yeah? Y, E, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, H. When can we see yeah, bread, You go on the way home tonight, pick yourself up a loaf, puddle around the family when you get home, and everyone can, yeah. Imagine you and your family sitting around the kids.

Their very first, yeah. I got a better invention than the airbread. Oh, here we go. Slice the airbread. You son of a crab. That's me. You wake up at Olive Garden with a red lobster waiter flapping around on your naked flesh.

No one's going with the shamwown, nobody's going with. You say the internet, you say the microwave. You say yeah bread. I say sliced yeah bread. I think you got it, kid. The greatest invention since the 80s is, of course, sliced yeah bread. You'll see the loafs all over your grocery store. Oh, lots and lots of fun.

Oh, I had a good time. If you want to catch that show, you can actually go on YouTube and type in Harland Williams Master Debaters Get it, Master Debaters or Master debaters Harlan Williams

And if you still can't find it, type in Jay Moore's name on there But you should find it It's a funny segment That's a new, brand new talk show out with Jay Moore And check it out To find out about the origins of Yeah, Brad

Also, I want to thank my listener who said that, you know, sometimes I make them smile and sometimes I even make them laugh, which is nice. It always makes me smile, and sometimes it even makes me laugh. That's amazing. Thank you. You're welcome, no charge. I mean, that gentleman actually sounded amazed that anything could make him laugh. He sounds like he might be one of those tough laugh guys.

And I know it sounds weird. I'm a comedian. I'm in the industry of... humor and i'm a tough laugh guy i don't laugh very easily which is kind of a bummer maybe that's why i do comedy because i i i'm not a guy that that bursts out laughing out loud that often like i'm talking like a deep gut wrench and like you know can't breathe thing and i'm lucky if i get one or two of those a year man and i cherish them so sir if i'm making you laugh Out loud, making you

giggle, even making you smile. That's what the Harlan Highway is all about. Thank you, and keep listening, man. And then lastly, we have this one gentleman who had a very important question or comment, and he was talking about when people break up, is it okay to take other people's stuff?

What the hell, man? What about when people? move out of an apartment or a house, and they take stuff that's clearly not theirs. Yeah, I think it's happened to all of us. It happened to me once, a big, big breakup, big, big relationship in my life. And, you know, didn't work out, fell to pieces, tragic. It always is. And, you know, when she moved out, I found it interesting.

She didn't ask for any of the furniture, any of the TVs, any of the, you know, nothing. And then one day I went to put on one of my CDs and I couldn't find it. And I said, well, I can't find that. I'll put on another one. And then I couldn't find that one. And then I will. And then I soon dawned on me. All my CDs were gone.

I'm like, what the hell? That's a weird, odd choice. That's a very odd choice. Like, you could have a nice big TV, you could have a couch, you can take this, you can take that, I think I'll take the CDs. Let's see Prince in the Revolution, Black Sabbath Volume 4, Iron Maiden,

Frank Sinatra's Greatest Hits, Elvis, George Michael, you know, just like, what the hell? What kind of score is that? Whoopi-do. got what, $300 worth of CDs? That was your big priority, the music? Good Lord. So if you lost something, buddy, I hope it wasn't anything too bad.

But just know that no matter what you lose, you always have something for free that you can count on. And if you're feeling bad about losing something. You got this. You got the Harland Highway. It always makes me smile, and sometimes it even makes me laugh. That's amazing. Or should I say you had the Harlan Highway?

Guess what? We are out of time. We got into all those voice messages and the secrets of, you know, Brad. And we ran out of time. So once again, thank you for your calls. 888, 500, 20, 90. if you ever want to leave a voice message. And ladies, don't be afraid to call.

We don't get enough ladies calling in. We want to hear from you, ladies, as well as the men. Even kids, if a kid wants to call in, let's mix it up. And don't forget, as I said, if you want to check out my movie where Yab Brad got it start, it's called Fudgey Wudgee Fudge Face. It is really a silly fun movie. You can download it at Amazon. com you can buy it there or you can even rent it for i think you get it for two weeks and it's dirt

cheap or if you order it from my website i actually autograph it and send it out um so there you go uh if you want to write to me harlowe williams dot com and um you know we uh we go from there uh so that's it don't forget uh my last gig of the year is coming up in indian That'll be December 15th, 16th, and 17th at Crackers Broad Ripple. Great club, great crowds. Come on out. And then don't forget my Christmas present to you guys. December 12th, we are unveiling the latest episode of the cock, the ass, and the pussy,

which is a cartoon about a rooster, a donkey, and a cat. Get it, cock, ass, and pussy. A lot of fun. We'll be loading that up onto YouTube for you on December 12th as a little Christmas present. And that's it. Don't forget we have the Santa Claus Day Parade the Christmas parade coming up here on the highway soon

as we get closer to the big day. And don't forget also if you want to order your merchandise for Christmas, our last mailing day for Harland merchandise is December 13th. So get your order in before that. We have books, CDs, DVDs, some new T-shirts will be going up. They're probably up there now. And check it out. And that's it.

What more could I blabber on about? Thank you for joining everyone. Great to have you here. Please tell your friends about the highway. We want to build it and build it until it crashes to the ground. But that's all the time we have for today. Hope you're having a good one.

Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. And until next time, chicken. Chalmayne, baby. What is you have, Brad, Harlan? Well, it's a loaf of white bread and you squeeze it, and it goes, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'll send you a loaf.