The Harland Highway - PODCAST 359

Episode Date: December 14, 2011

Cross dressing problems, new fuels, life and money, Hanibal Lectre. Blunk my skunk!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, it's the Harland Highway. How are you, folks? Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. What a show we have today. This is like a present in itself. It's like a Christmas present right here right now. We are going to be talking about my theory. I have a theory on life and death, and I think you'll find it interesting and maybe helpful. It's an approach to living while we're in the here and now.

We're going to be talking about a new type of fuel that involves Willie Nelson somehow. Pretty weird. And then we're going to be talking about your money and your time. How valuable is your money and your time? We're going to get into that. And then an incredible story about a woman who was fond. in this horrible economy because of the actions of a cross-dresser. Outrageous, peeved off about it.

I'm going to talk about it. And then in keeping with Christmas, we have a special guest coming in today to read and sing Christmas carols, Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs. Wait a minute. What? Roger.

Oh, God, it's all here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you.

This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Hey, hey, hey, you are motoring down the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams. You're driving home from work and your gas guzzler. Some people around you driving electric cars and other people are using alternate fuel sources, propane, corn oil. That's a weird one, huh? Cooking oil. Willie Nelson drives a bus that runs on cooking oil.

Most of us run out of gas. We pull up to the Shell Station. Fill her up. Willie pulls up to the Arby's drive-thru and says you got any extra French fry grease? You got enough grease to get me from here to Albuquerque? That's got a stink, man. Driving along, the exhaust fumes coming out of your bus.

Smells like French fries? You'll be lucky if the hamburger doesn't jump you. It's got to be other forms. gas we can use, uh, outside of corn oil and gasoline. What's something we don't need? Huh? Stick our income tax forms at our gas tank, all our receipts, all our parking tickets and speeding tickets, stuff those in the gas tank. See if those will bio-degrade and get us where we need to go. Maybe we could pop our zits into our gas tank. Oh, there you. There you. go you get a nice clean complexion and you get all the way to albuquerque oh it's mine a brand new

pusmobile oh wow well however you do it keep on trucking babies right down to harland highway Um, okay, uh, stupid. Um, and speaking of stupid, I have to tell you about this, this next story. This was in the news and it drives me nuts, okay? Some lady that worked at Macy's or J.C. Penny or whatever, wonderful, uh, woman, you know, I saw her on the news being interviewed, very humble, like, uh, salt to the earth, you know, probably as a family and stuff. And I guess she's worked at this retailer for a number of years, has a steady job, does her job well.

And she works in the clothing department, okay? And the other day, someone rolls in who's a transgender, apparently. Okay, but obviously to this woman is a man. Apparently, it wasn't anyone who had surgery. They had no physical surgery done to replace body parts, but this man had lipstick on and, you know, was looking a little effeminate, I guess, and claimed to be a transgender and was changing,

trying on clothes in the women's change room. And this conscientious employee said, uh-uh-uh, no, no, no, you are endangering my customers, my female customers. I can't have a man changing in the women's change room area just because you have lipstick on and you claim you're transgender. Everyone can see you're a male. and so this guy kicked up a stink, you know, this guy who's a little demented, and suddenly this woman fired, fired for sticking up for the other customers, fired for trying to protect all the other women coming into the store to shop to try on clothes. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And the store,

and I can't remember. I think it's Macy's, but it may be J.C. Penny. So you might want to look it up. I know I should have, but I didn't do the research. Sorry. But they have this discrimination policy where, you know, blah, blah, blah, we shan't discriminate against people with alternative lifestyles and sexuality and religion and color.

Okay, well, it's not discriminating when you don't allow a man to go to the women's dressing area. That's called safety. That's called being an on-the-ball employee, man. Because either this guy's got a nut loose or he's got some kind of weird sexuality problems. Or he's just a clever, crafty pervert who figured out a way. to manipulate the system and go, you know, if I pretend I'm a girl, I can go into the girl's area and I can watch the girls. It can be all around the girls because I am a girl guy. My name's David, but I'm a girl. And you know what? If you want to be transgender or get

your parts chopped off or whatever, have at it. You know, I don't particularly like it. I think it's messed up. I think there's sections of the world that want to con us and it's like, oh, it's normal. They were born that way. They feel that way. Great if they do. I still think it's messed up. I think it's really messed up. And so this messed up person's needs, or if you don't want to call them messed up, if you're like totally fine with it, this one person's needs with this peculiar lifestyle, whether, like I said, whether it's sexual or it's just an inner need or a calling. I don't know. This one person's feelings, lifestyle, whatever, trumps everyone else in society.

One person versus all the women who walked into that store, which could be 10 or it could be 10,000. the guy wearing the lipstick and the mini skirt who can't decide what gender he wants to be he wins and the woman with the family who's been a dedicated employee going to the office going to work 9 to 5 for how many years she gets canned

for trying to do the right thing oh god why are people afraid to do to draw a line in the sand in this country? Why is it you can't just look at certain things and go, you know what, no. No, no, no. Today, we don't go to church dressed as a clown

with ice cream on our head beating a drum, okay? There are 7,000 other people sitting in the church who want quiet and would like to pray to their God. But you know what, having you in here dressed as a clown honking a horn beating a drum and throwing ice cream at the wall. That's just too disruptive. But there's people in our world that go, no, no, that clowns got the right.

He can beat the drum. Fifth Amendment, Freedom of Rights, the Constitution. Oh, come on. Up yours. Can we not just have a Constitution, a Bill of Rights, filled with common sense,

Let me ask you this, no matter what side of the fence you're on. Let's say you had a 16-year-old daughter. Let's say you had a 32-year-old wife. Let's say you had a grandmother. And she wanders into J.C. Penny and wants to try on some new undies, a little mini-skirt, some dress pants, a gown. And right beside her is don't. Donald, with his red wig, his high-heel shoes, his purple lipstick, his hairy legs, and his deep voice, try and crap on right beside your family member, or your girlfriend, or your wife, or whoever.

I don't think any of you would like it. Okay? And same goes for men. I don't think you'd want a big butch woman dressing up as a man in the men's change room. And these stories happen every day and, you know, we're almost trained. We've almost been numbed as a society

into just letting them go. It's like, oh, here we go again. The guy who likes to sleep with zebras wins because, you know, we're infringing on his rights. All right, let's let them have sex with a zebra in his front lawn. The rest of us will just have to suffer through it because we're a tolerant society and everyone's got their rights. Well, how about this poor woman that's out of a job in, like, the worst economy ever?

People are struggling to just put food on the table to stay afloat. Clearly, this woman's like a blue-collar worker. She's a, she's a attendant at a Macy's or a J.C. Penny. I think it's safe to say she's not making a mother load. I don't think she lives in a mansion. She's a humble person living on humble means. And because some guy wants to pretend he's Julia Roberts, she's out of work. Maybe she's got a mortgage.

Maybe she's got two children, three children. Or maybe she's got a sick grandmother. Maybe she needs to pay her car. But now she can't because David wants to put on some merry k-eye shadow. Good Lord, man. Common sense. Okay? If you're all messed up and you don't know if you're a boy or a girl,

don't make the rest of a suffer. You know, and you got to wonder, I got a wonder. if this guy went in there with a plan of attack, with an agenda, right? He's like, oh, yeah, if I go in there, I can cause a stink. I could probably create a lawsuit for discrimination. I could, you know, I mean, really, dude, if you're like that, is it really like you want to go out and just function in society

and go into change rooms and stuff? Isn't stuff like that a little more taboo? People kind of don't like to flunt that stuff. How many transgender cross-dressers have you bumped into at the mall or on the subway? I'm willing to bet 99.9% of you listening have never bumped into a transgender cross-dressing person out in the street at McDonald's at the mall at the movie. Dieter. Have you? So you got to wonder, did this guy have an agenda? Wow. Not cool. And I may be wrong, but I don't know. I think I give a good argument here. And I do believe in people's rights. I do believe in people's freedom of expression. I believe in people's

want to do anything they want, but not at the expense. of other people that are just trying to get by and make a living and, you know, play out their role in society that is a traditional role that helps keep the machine moving, you know? So there you go. Those are my thoughts. Now, if you excuse me, I have some panty hose to try on, and my new breast implants are here. So I will be back right after this.

Oh, Charles. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping. on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I've got a theory. I've got a theory. I've got a theory. I've got a theory. Here it is. And I think

you'll all like this one. I want you to keep this one in your head and use it. I use it all the time, man, and I feel good about it. Here's what it is. You ever with someone or have you yourself, ever been to a restaurant? You're like, oh, I'm going to have the roast beef, but oh, for $6 more, I can have the lobster. Oh, no, no, that's too much. That's too much.

$6. Now, I'm going to have the roast beef, even though I really want the lobster. Or you're downtown, and you see a... parking garage, $11 to park. Oh, no, no, I'm going to drive around and look for a meter. Meeters are only like 40 cents, or sometimes you can park for free, but it's going to be really aggravating, and we're going to drive around the block 40 times and waste time and get all pissed off at the world in the process.

Oh, I should take a taxi over to that place, but, oh, it's too much. I'll take the bus. It'll be 15 bucks, 30 bucks to jump in a cab, but, If I wait for the bus out in the freezing cold, what a deal for me. If I stand out here in the slush and get hailstones smack to me in the face, I'll save $1795.

Here's my theory that when you die, you'll either have at least $50 to $1,000 or more, usually way more, in a bank account somewhere. So, think about that. When you die, that money goes nowhere. So next time you want to treat yourself, go that extra little bit, take the taxi, get the lobster, do it. Because when you die, there'll be a little extra something in your bank account.

See, that's my theory from me to you. Hope you enjoy your lobster tonight. It's true, isn't it? I mean, and even when you do do that splurging, think of this, when you're torn about it, you're like, oh, God, I could get in that taxi for $20 or I can take the bus for $2 and you're stressing over it and it becomes a dilemma and you're like, oh, I can't waste the money. Can you imagine me just giving an extra $16 away? no no no no no all that stuff going through your mind once you've done it you don't ever think about it again in your life okay let's say you drop the 20 bucks and you've done it you've all spent money on a taxi and you've watched the meter click and you're like oh god there goes 30 bucks

from the airport to my house great 40 bucks guess what once you've paid it and you're done? How many times in your life have you gone back and thought about it? You know, when I was 24, I'll never forget the time when I drove from the airport to my house, 40 bucks in a cab. Unbelievable. Look at me now.

I'm barely living. I can barely afford a loaf of bread and a jar of skippy peanut butter. Why did I do it? What an idiot. Oh, ho, oh, Charles. You know what I mean? It's just the process, the thought of spending that money.

You feel like you're throwing it away. But you're really not. You never think about it again. Even when you spend money on something big. Remember when you spent 20 grand on a car? Remember when you first put your down payment on your house? Remember when you bought a new stereo for $700? Remember when you paid for that trip to Jamaica?

$1,100. Do you remember that money? Does it stick in your head? Do you think about that money as if you gave away a family heirloom or something that belonged to you or no? It's all gone. Think about the money you spent at McDonald's the other day. Oh yeah, I just spent eight bucks on McDonald's.

What did you do? You don't remember it. Think about all the restaurants you've eaten at. You don't remember the money. You may remember the good time. You may remember the experience, but you don't think about... Oh, right.

I remember we went to that place. Oh, 3495. Hello? Chiching! Oh, there's that gas station. I remember that gas station. Uh-huh. $84.

Chiching! Remember the time we went? went to Disneyland for $229. Chiching, no. Money just comes and goes. I'm not saying be an idiot about it, but don't get so stressed up about it. Don't get so caught up in it.

Yeah, don't be an idiot. Don't just throw money away, but don't let the little things drive you nuts. I promise you, you'll have money in a bank account somewhere, like I said. you'll have possessions that are worth something that can be sold so don't don't don't let it eat you alive and how many of you have made your your life worse by being a cheap skate how many of you have taken the shuttle service to and from the airport is that really worth it oh my god i have friends i've done it i i learned my lesson real quick you get on that shuttle at the airport where what are you going sir i'm going over here

over to burbank yeah okay get in we go right to burbank so you get in the guy circles around the airport a few times he picks up nine other people where are you going i'm going to uh downtown los angeles yes get into it going right there too please suddenly there's nine people in the shuttle they're all going to different places, and you're going with them. You're driving to Jim's house, you're driving to Margaret's house, you're driving, I mean, unless you get dropped off first and you get lucky, you win the lottery, great. But otherwise, you're going to four, five, six people's homes and watch them get dropped off.

Now, what's that worth in dollars? Would you wake up in the morning and go, You know what, honey, you know what I'm going to do today? What's that, dear? You know, on the way back from the airport, yes. You know, I'm flying from the east coast to the west coast. Yes, that's a six-hour flight. You bet.

And when I land, I'm going to be tired and annoyed and flustered, and I just want to get home to you on a hot, home-cooked meal. Yes. But before I do that, yes, honey, what? I'm going to go to nine strangers' houses. Excuse me? Yep, I'm going to go. I want to see where nine strangers live.

In fact, I want to drive all over the city and see where people I don't even know live. Well, how much is that worth? Well, I'm going to save $12 in a cab. Is it really worth? Yes, yes, it's really worth it, honey. Well, I don't think I did... Well, you see where I'm going with this?

Just spend a little extra money and forget about it. The only time you think about it is right when you hand it over, and then it's gone. Whoopie do. And I'm just saying this to look out for you, okay? Yeah, I'm looking out for you, players. Players! Now, I think we have a guest coming in, don't we, Roger, for Christmas?

We have, who is it? He's here? Hannibal Lecter is here. He's doing what? He's reading Silent Night. Great. All right, bring him in. Here we go.

It's Hannibal Lecter in the spirit of Christmas. Good Lord. reading Silent Night, the famous Christmas carol. Take it away, Hannibal Lecter. God, creepy. Thank you. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.

Silent night. Holy night, Clarice. All is calm. because I ate your tongue, glories. Round yon virgin, mother and child. Holy infant, so spicy and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Christ. Eat in heavenly.

Peace. Silent night, Clarice. Holy night, Clarice. Shepherds pie with your kidney and liver, Clarice. Glorious blood dripping down my chin, Clarence. Stop it! Get out of here. Disgusting. Get them out, right. Get out, Lecter. Out! Take your flapping gums with you. Vile. Vile, disgusting crap.

Eating stuff. I'd like to eat baby Jesus' feet. If you... Get out! Roger, never again. Gross. Oh, God. Scopula, femur. Arteries, clarece, skin, and scalp.

Get out! Roger, that is just sick, man. come on it's christmas unbelievable gross anyways uh so if you got your christmas lights up yet um i go through this thing where every year you put your lights up and inevitably some of them are burnt out but you don't want to admit that they're burnt out you refuse to acknowledge they're burnt out So they'll be in a socket. You're like, oh, that one's not lit up. Well, here's what I'll do.

That one down there's lit up. I'll unscrew that lit up one. And clearly it's not the bulb. It's got to be the socket. And then you screw in the burnt out bulb into the socket where the lit up one was, and it still doesn't work. Is that just me or is that everyone? Because you can't acknowledge that the damn light bulbs burnt out. You think there's a flaw in the socket somewhere.

So I did that about three times. I was like, screw it. And any bulb I see not lit up, I'm tossing it. It's not worth my time and effort. It's kind of like that money thing I was talking about earlier. You know what? Just move on. What's a little light bulb worth?

Three cents? I can't sit here and test them. All of it's not lighten up. It means it's burnt out. Why do you got to double check it? It's not like you're double checking a nuclear trigger. to see if the uh the the russians have launched it's not it's not of that importance it's a little twinkling light bulb get over it guy no oh oh oh oh um well christmas is closing in i hope you're

excited uh the big day is uh coming up woo right around the corner next week man I'm hoping you're all ready, hoping you're all fired up. Merry Christmas. And I'm excited. I'm going to go visit my family going up to Canada. Have a Canadian Christmas. I'll probably be in the snow with all my sisters and nephews and nieces. And, oh, man, uncles and ants, creatures, critters, monsters.

Ah, it's a nice time of year, though, isn't it? Get to be with your family. And even if you're not close with your family, kind of remind you and get you back to them and, you know, reboot your family genes, your family mechanisms, I guess. So I hope it all works out good for you. A few announcements. Don't forget to check out the brand new

a cap cartoon, the cocked the ass and the pussy, which is about a donkey, a rooster, and a pussy cat. We just uploaded them earlier this week. And, you know, if you didn't get the address, I'm going to give you a new one on YouTube. I've started my own YouTube channel called Harland World. And if you type in Harland World on YouTube, it should take you to the page,

and you can look at the new cap cartoon. the cock, the ass, and the pussy, and we're going to be loading a whole bunch of more little videos and cool things up there for you to enjoy. So please subscribe, share the links with your friends. Get it out there, everybody. Yeah. Don't forget, you can call 888-52090,

or you can write me at harlandwiliams.com and tell your friends about the Harland High highway, and I appreciate you being here. Happy holidays, everyone, and we'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken. Chowmy, baby. Oil ankles, barbecued feet. Eat your pelvis.

Eat your meat. Get out! Thank you.