The Harland Highway - PODCAST 360

Episode Date: December 16, 2011

Ordering food properly, Christmas carols, Eggs, third eyes, fighting a cold. Glob my sisters cob!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, bless us, everyone, it's Christmas time. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here during your holiday season, your festus. Great to have you along. Welcome to the Harland Highway, where, of course, today we'll be talking about Christmas caroling. In fact, I'm going to be doing some Christmas caroling around the studio today. How about that? Um, we're going to be talking about, uh, fighting the cold, that winter cold that comes up. We're going to be chit-chatting about Christmas in general, the holiday, Santa, some of the traditions.

We're going to be talking about eggs. Got to talk about eggs. Uh, ordering food. Are you a good food orderer or are you a bad food orderer? And, uh, third eyes, man. Yeah, I think it's about time We talked about The mystical third eye And then at the end of the show I don't want to bait you

I don't want to trap you But I got a little bit of Weird news regarding the podcast It's nothing tragic It's uh you know It's something that kind of came up out of nowhere So it's going to change things up a little For the next few weeks

I'll fill you in at the end of the show But let's focus on right now Right here Ladies and gentlemen, Merry Christmas from me to you on the Harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax, get ready to have fun What we've got here is failure

to communicate One cheeseburger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Look at me, Damien, it's all for you this is harland williams i'm a human bee god damn it you're rolling down the harland highway with harland williams here you're going to do your shopping your grocery shopping we all got to eat man huh oh i bought a bunch of eggs the other day a dozen eggs have you ever seen eggs they got like

the normal size they get the large size they get the medium size and they get the extra large size i'm worried about the rear end of the chicken that's got to lay those i mean what's the deal all chickens are all the same size how do they make the eggs vary in size what are the chickens and the extra large coop doing oh no oh no how'd i get in here this month oh this is going to hurt oh there's an extra large oh get the hemorrhoid cream eggs man we eat them scramble them fry them here's what i do man i did this at the beginning of the year it's a cool thing to do you might want to try it i brought a dozen eggs home and instead of cooking them up but what i did is i sat on them yeah that's right i went out from the yard and

picked up a bunch of sticks and leaves and little pieces of thread and i made a little nest on my couch and i put my eggs in there and i sit on them And they incubate. And these cute little yellow chicks hatch, right? I got all these little chicks running all over my house. And what's great is now when I come home from work at the end of the day, I kick the front door open and I just yell, Hey, where's my peeps at?

And all the little chicks stick their heads out from behind the couch and behind the toaster, and they come out from under the fridge. and they're like, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, yeah, dims my peeps, player. Think about your eggs in a different way before you cook them. And ask yourself, hey, where's my peeps at

on the Harland Highway? And you've got to figure, right, if they engineer these eggs to get bigger and bigger, you know, like I'm pretty much afraid to crack open an egg now they're so big, I'm like, thinking a teradacto is going to come out I just wanted an omelet man

and it eats you but you got to figure if they engineer these big eggs that keep getting larger and larger did they engineer the chicken's butthole to stretch farther and farther I don't know it's scary poor little guys that's like a woman

giving birth to a 14-year-old. Well, we're trying to engineer bigger babies, Mrs. Smith. Your kid's going to be coming out. It'll be 32. So, I don't know, enjoy your eggs. Enjoy your eggs. Because we love our food, don't we? So I'm out to dinner last night.

You ever go out to dinner with one of these people? and they don't know how to order food. They open the menu, and it's like they just opened a manual to a very complicated supercomputer. The computers that are running NORAD. It's a menu, dude. You want the turkey or the beef? They sit there.

They're like, what should I have? The noodles, and then maybe I'll have the prime rib. Or maybe, no way. Maybe I should have the chicken. The chicken. And then the waiter. comes. Can I take your order? And then the person's like,

you tell me about the chicken. Well, sir, it used to run around and pluck and lay eggs and now it's hanging in our kitchen. Oh, okay, what about the beef? How's the beef? What should I have? What do you got? What do I need? What's it made of? What's it taste like?

How hot is it? How big is it? What's it way? What's it smell like? Ah! Don't you know what you like, you idiot? Just order. What do you like to eat? I like grilled cheese, man. There's your answer. Look, right there on the menu. Grilled cheese.

Indecisiveness. And then the big kicker is they finally get their food. Or the order's already put in. They call the way... Excuse me. Could you come back over here? You know what? I changed my mind. The way you described the roast beef was so delicious.

I think I've got to have the roast beef. I might have made a big life-altering mistake. If I don't change the roast beef right now, civilization will die. Oh, boy, get your act together. Stop eating. You're bugging me. I ain't ordering dessert with you. I think I'll throw in a microwave dinner and eat solo tonight.

Which way do I microwave it upside down or right side up? Which way do I rotate it? Do I peel the plastic off or... Oh, shut up and put a pie in your mouth. Well, it's Christmas time, as you know, And I think what I'll do is slip out of the studio and go down the hall. And, you know, some of the people that work here in the studio in the building up on our floor don't have kind of the same fun that I have.

We've got people that are in accounts payable and accounting and advertising and all that kind of, you know, necessary, but a little more mundane stuff. And so what I'm going to do is I'm going to knock on their job. door and sing Christmas carols to them and just cheer them up so here we go let's go let's go out into the hallway and let's go down the hall and look at this uh barbara taylor's office uh she's one of our accounts payable people and uh let me just knock on her door here and uh when she opens it i'll give her uh like a way in the manger type of thing here here we go away in a manger no sleep for his head fuck off

ow ow oh my nose oh my nose Christ that oh god my nose is bleeding oh my god oh son of a bitch oh my nose someone give me a Oh, yes, the old Christmas spirit, alive and well, here at the Harland Highway. Wow. Wow. Well, are you getting geared up for your holiday for your Christmas or your Hanukkah or your Kwanz or whatever you do? I do Christmas, so all I can really do is relate to you through Christmas. I've never thrown a Hanukkah. You know what?

This year, we're going to do things a little different. You know what, kids? Forget about Christmas. We're going to try this Hanukkah thing this year. Or, you know what? Forget the Hanukkah. Let's do the Kwanza. Let's try that out.

Imagine you had a choice? You could just try different holidays out? No, not me. Christmas. And were you one of those people? Do you remember how old you were when you realized Santa? Or should I say, maybe you thought Santa wasn't real? Hello?

You know what I'm talking about? That moment of your childhood where you're like, okay, okay, nice. Nice. Parents have been lying to me. Parents have been duping me. Conning me. And I remember my folks would try to do things to try and sell it.

You know, the older we got, the more they tried to sell it, which I appreciate. But, you know, we'd wake up in the morning, and it used to just be like, you know, our presents would be there. But then as we got older, all of a sudden there was, like, stuff hanging out of the fireplace, like, you know, an old burnt log. There's some old papers or something as if Santa had knocked all. this stuff over when he came down the chimney. And, you know, they always had old trick where the milk and the cookies you left by the fireplace, you know, the cookie had a couple of bites out of it.

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the concept of an old guy coming into your house, leaving gifts, and you in turn leave him a little snack, and he's quiet, and you don't really know he's, there, and he's just full of giving, and he's a cheery old, likable fella with a beard and rosy cheeks. It's such a nice, warm fantasy, isn't it?

That, uh, it was, it's neat to know that it's, it's, uh, universally, uh, shared all over the planet. I mean, uh, maybe we don't have enough of those like kind of pleasant things we share globally as a as a planet full of people and not a bad thing in it you know there's there's nothing dark or sinister or bad about santa and his message and his gift giving and his generosity right there's there's no underlying dark side i mean you you can put a dark side on to anything You can say, well, Christmas is all about just giving gifts. Well, take that away.

I'm just talking about, you know, Santa and believing in Santa. Toys, crackling fireplaces, stockings. Oh, it's nice. It is nice. You know what? I can't even talk about this. I got to go sing another carol. I can't just take that from that lady.

I'm going to go down to Bob Donahue's office. He's in sales. He's in the sales department. Always a chipper guy. I'm going to hit him up with a little, something a little more upbeat, maybe. I'm going to tiptoe down the hall, knock on his door, give him a little jingle bells. Even better, I'll go jingle bell rock.

That's even a little hipper. So here we go. Knocking on his door. just here it is coming up okay here we go jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock jingle bell jingo bell jing and jingo bit fuck oh oh you son of a bitch stupid stupid stupid Oh, set of the fuck. Holy fucking asshole. Pump yours.

Lugget bastard. Fuck. Okay. You know what? That sucked. The only worst thing in that this time of year is you hear that is a cold winter wind. Oh, I cannot stand when that cold winter wind comes a blow it. There's snows.

coming the winter air gets under your skin and you just got those chills and you're like oh i got i can't get warm enough you just want to huddle up in a pack of wild old ladies come on grannies get around me and keep me warm huddle and what do you do you try and wrap yourself in a blanket still chilling there's only one thing left to do you either light the fire and throw yourself in the fireplace that doesn't work does that hurts Or you turn on that shower. Oh, that warm, steamy shower. You jump inside, the hot water's coming,

but you still feel the chills, so you inch it a little hotter. Another little increment of heat. Not hot enough, and you turn at another little increment. And then another one, and another one, and your skin gets pinker and redder, but you're getting warmer, and then all of a sudden the searing, boiling water

is cutting through your flesh and you get redder and redder. You're becoming a lobster is what you are. A cooked lobster. You can run down to the kitchen and cover yourself in butter. Throw your body in front of a fat guy. Everybody get out of here.

There's a lobster loose. Oh, holy cow, he's loose. Everybody get out of here. He's vengeful. Quickly, cover yourself with that butter and carry lemons just in case. I can't squirt him with him so far to repel them. Everybody get out of here quickly.

There's going to be a tragedy. But I'm warm, damn it. I've beat the chills, and I'm warm. Anyways, keep warm, keep safe. Keep it right here on the Harland Highway. Oh, God. Oh, yes. And something else that can chill a room, chill a conversation.

How about politics? Does that kind of put a chill up your spine? Does that kind of just make you freeze up and want to leave the room? And someone says, hey, man, let's talk politics. Everyone loves a jolly in the box. Well, I'm not going to, you know, pick sides here. But, you know, I've been watching this kind of political race heat up with the Republicans, and they say it's kind of down to Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, okay?

They say it's going to be down to those two, and here's what I think. And this may sound really shallow, but I am going with this off of kind of what happened last time around. I'm a little worried that if they go for Newt Gingrich, who I think is a very intelligent guy and a seasoned politician, if the Republicans go for him over Mitt Romney, I think that the Republicans will lose.

And this is the shallow part, but this is America, too. Uh, Newt Gingrich is a puffy old, gray-haired man in his 70s, a little crumaginy. And Mitt Rom, he's kind of a slender, tall, good-looking, you know, attractive, well-spoken, man. They're both men, obviously, but what I'm getting at is, you know, we had John McCain going at it last time. remember Johnny McCain, kind of short little cremogeny guy with the gray hair, and I think he was in his 70s, too. And nobody went for it, man.

And this is America. You can argue all you want about cosmetics, about superficiality. But I don't know, man. America likes their good looks. America likes their, you know, their charm. They like their, you know, all that stuff. And it's one thing for the members of the Republican Party to pick who's going to be their leader. They may be like, oh, we love this guy, or we love this guy, we love Newt Gingrich, or we love Mitt Romney.

but then it spills out into the public. Who does the public like? Who do the masses like? And let's face it, most people don't know didly about politics. So what do they do? They gravitate towards the good-looking guy. They gravitate towards the John F. Kennedy.

Or they gravitate, I didn't think he was a handsome man, but for some reason I understand that women thought Bill Clinton was good-looking. Yuck. John F. Kennedy, yes. Barack Obama, very handsome man. John McCain, not so much. Newt Gingrich, not so much. Jolly, cheery, old guy growing tomatoes in his yard, sure. So my call is that they're going to be in trouble if they pick Newt Gingrich. because the shallow side, the superficial side of American society will go, well, who do we want the sleek, skinny, you know, Democrat, African-American president

with the beautiful white teeth and the sparkly smile and the youthful appearance? Or do we want kind of the chubby old guy with the pink cheeks and the kind of yellow teeth? the white hair not really a good posture but of a beer gut do we want that guy no no we don't i don't think so but you put that mitt romney guy in there and uh you know like i said when you factor in the superficial vote uh here you got a statuous guy chiseled guy good looking guy still got his hair, slender, intelligent. And that's the good thing about it, if you're a Republican. No matter who gets in, if they beat Obama,

they're both very qualified and very intelligent. And I'm not talking about political cachet. I'm not talking about policy. I'm just talking about their guys that have been beaten around. the system for a long time and they know their field. They know they know Washington. They know politics.

So if either one gets in there, you've still got a good leader. But I'm just saying, and you can disagree with me, in this day and age, man, I feel like the better-looking guy would get the vote

from the average Joe. And that may sound like demeaning. I'm not trying to be demeaning, but come on. Am I not right? Do we not worship the Brad Pitt's and the Jolese and the Kardashians and the Paris Hilton's? And we love it. We love the good-looking ones. So we'll see what happens, man.

Maybe we'll be surprised. Who knows? Maybe Old New Gingrich does. get in there. I kind of like it. There's something about an old kind of seasoned, worldly man who's been around and has a lifetime full of knowledge

making decisions. That's cool. I also like Barack Obama the way he looks and the way he carries himself. He does a great job with it. But I'm just making a prediction if Romney gets in, he beats Obama. If Gingrich gets in, Obama beats Gingrich.

That's my call. So there you go. You know what? And here's my call, too. I'm not going to go down without a fight. I'm going to do one last Christmas carol here. I can't give up on this. The spirit of Christmas.

I'm going to go down the hall. And you know what? I'm going to do Vice President, Dana Cartwright, Vice President of Marketing, Dana Cartwright, this is a woman who would give you the shirt off her back. If I can't get a cheery response out of her with a Christmas Carol, I don't know, you know, what to do. So why don't we go with, let's see, Frosty the Snowman. right light cheery upbeat who doesn't love frosty the snowman so let's go down to her office let's creep out into the hall here and get down to her office hang on it's just around the corner past the men's room past the drinking fountain and here we are the door is closed she's going to love this look at this she's got a Christmas wreath hanging on her door okay this is it this is someone who likes christmas so here we go let's knock on the door oh frosty the

snowman was a very funny guy he had all kinds of funny stuff and he liked to jump and cry hey frosty the Fuck off, you son of a bitch! Ow! Oh, oh, you son of a bitch! Ah, fuck me! Holy Christmas fuck! Oh, my fucking teeth. My fucking nose and then you asshole.

Fuck me, asshole. Ah! Oh, it hurts and hurts. Holy God, man. Wow. Happy Merry Anger Management. Happy Merry Management. Wow.

Christmas can be painful, and I hate to say it, folks. I've been holding off on this because I've been waiting to see some scheduling things going on in my life. Oh, and this makes me feel like a Scrooge right now. What I'm about to lay on you is not a good Christmas present. I hope you'll understand. As you know, I'm a Canadian boy, and my family lives up in Canada. And it's one of those years where my mom and dad are getting old,

and they ask me to come home for Christmas and be around the family. And I usually do a thing where I go every other year. I went last year, but they're getting up there. They're getting up there. I can kind of hear it in their voice that they wanted their only son to be up there with them and it kind of came a little bit

unexpected this year and as a result of the holidays and I hate to do this man because we've never missed a podcast okay but I'm sad to say that this

will be the last podcast for the holidays until the holidays are over and what kills me is we won't be able to get to the Christmas Day parade which sucks but what can I do it's the holidays and I'm going to have to step away from broadcasting the podcast over the holidays

I hope you understand and hopefully you'll come back in the new year we should be up and running again in the new year. I don't have the exact date, but we will do it. Okay? So that being said, getting rid of that bad news. The good news is we will be back, and I want to wish all of you a Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas.

Happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. It's been a great year. Another full year of the Harland Highway. I got to say thank you to all of you who join in and listen and write to me and call me and share the laughter and share the discussions and share the insights, all that we do here. And a happy holiday from all the nutty characters that live here at the Harland Highway. If you want a little more entertainment, I finally started a YouTube channel. It's called Harland World.

If you go to YouTube and click on to Harland World, you can subscribe to that channel. And I'm going to start putting more videos up that you can hopefully laugh along with. And that's it, man. Have a great, great holiday. Be healthy. Be safe. Be happy. And I look forward to bringing you the Harlan Highway in 2012, where we will be back up and running in January.

And until that time, my friends, chicken chalmayne, baby. I think I'll go down the hall and say hi to Mr. Featherstone before I go. is a baby child.