The Harland Highway - PODCAST 361

Episode Date: January 9, 2012

1st show of 2012 and a visit with my boss Mr. Featherstone, early morning monkeys, politeness, bird formations, and the cattle holocaust. Slurp a slap shot!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy New Year to you. Yes, happy new year. It's the first show of 2012 here at the Harland Highway podcast. Welcome, everybody. Happy New Year. And here we go, man. Another full year of madness. Okay.

Are you ready for it? Have you got your Velcro toilet seat all polished up? I don't know what that means. But as usual, I start with something stupid. Hey, we're going to be talking about politeness today. Are you plight? We're going to be talking about monkeys and a new way of waking up in the morning. We're going to be talking about geese and how they fly.

I've got to go visit with my boss, Mr. Featherstone. I'm very excited. He might have a promotion for me or a raise. And then we're going to talk about the Holocaust. in a way that it's never been talked about before, which can only happen here on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Relax. Get ready to have fun.

What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being. God damn it. Well, here I am.

It's the first podcast of 2012. Happy New Year, everyone. I'm up here just outside my boss's office on the fifth floor, Mr. Featherstone. And, you know, I'm hoping he, you know, has some good news for me. Maybe we're getting a bigger budget. Maybe we're getting something good, something more. But it's our first podcast, 2012. We're back.

I was on a little holiday. Here I come. Going in. Hello, hello, sir. Happy New Year. What? What's that? Happy New Year, Mr. Featherstone.

Great to see you. Good tidings and good joy. Good tiding. Who are you officially? No, good tidings. Like, I hope you have a good year. Tidings? Isn't that like when the tide comes in in the ocean type of thing? Well, like, I guess it is, sir, but you wanted to see me? Yeah, why don't you sit down and sit down quickly? Well, okay, I don't know why I need to sit down quickly. You'll do what I tell you to do. Sit down quickly. Good tidings, he says.

well sir i'm just don't sir me uh well happy new year don't even happy new year where were you for the last few weeks well what do you mean sir where were you for the last few weeks do you know how many phone calls and emails we got saying that you skipped out of town on your podcast well i didn't skip out of town sir i had to go home for the holidays my parents are getting older and uh oh your parents are getting older now blame it on your parents blame what on my parents sir oh okay blaming your parents because you went awall i did not go awall sir it's called the christmas holidays i know what it's called i invented it excuse me i invented what do you mean you invented the christmas holidays whatever well i don't know what that means sir i'll

you what it means you and a wall and you left your listeners hanging without a podcast for a couple of weeks sir look my parents are getting old i told my listeners let me ask you something what sir you ever fart on a bird nest excuse me you ever fought on a bird nest and some eggs in there and you fart on the eggs and they rattle all around you can hear the little chickadees inside the eggs? Sir, I don't know what that means. Well, I'm sure you've sat on a few eggs in your day, huh? What does that mean even? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Sir, I don't know where this is going. Where it's going is, you played hooky on your own podcast, and I'm cutting your days. What do you mean you're cutting my days? You did three podcasts a week, right? Yeah, I do three podcasts a week.

Uh-uh, not do, dead What are you talking about, sir? You want to play hooky with me Like a little schoolboy Well, you're going to get the cane From Pinsible Featherstone What are you saying, sir? I'm cutting you down to two days a week

That's what, hot shot, formaldehyde What does that mean fromeldehyde at the end? What was that? Uh-huh, you know what I mean, Guy. Hot shot from... ameldehyde. What, you're cutting my shows, because I went down for the home for the Christmas holidays. I'll bet you went down.

What does that mean? You and your guy friends? Uh-huh. What? Uh-huh. Okay, sir, are you trying to tell me because I went home for the holiday season, and I missed some shows for the first time, you're cutting me from three days a week to two? That's exactly right, Einstein the 4th.

What do you mean the 4th? There was only one. Uh-huh, you're Einstein the 4th. Get it through your head. So you're cutting a day out of my schedule. That's right. Sometimes you've got to learn lessons a hard way, kid. I'm not a kid.

I'm in my 40s. Yeah, whatever. You ever fought on a stack of pancakes? What? You ever fart on a stack of pancakes? pancakes you milk all the butter down big piece of butter on the top of the pancakes you pull down your pants you fart on it you melt the butter what are you talking about you know what I'm talking about so you're cutting my day so

now what am I doing you do a Monday and Thursday and that's all I want to hear about it what do you mean that's all you want to you're the one to telling me what How am I stopping you? Ah, come on. Sir, I don't like this. My parents are old. I went home for the holidays. Uh-huh.

And, you know, my parents are getting old. And, you know, I don't know how many holidays I got left with them. And so, yeah, I took a few days up. You missed the Christmas parade, didn't you? Yes, I wasn't able to broadcast the Christmas parade. Unbelievable. So you're afraid your parents are getting? You ever fart on anyone at a funeral?

What are you talking about? There's a coffin laying there, right? Yeah. With a dead guy. Hold on. I got to get this. Get out of it. Let me say this.

You pull down your pants, you fart on the dead guy. Now, get out of here. I got to take this phone call. What do you mean fart on a dead guy? Get out of here. Mondays and Thursdays until you wise up. Out. Sir, please.

I have to do three days a week. I told you to get out. Wow Wow Can you believe this Okay well Thank you Mrs. Smith This is

shocking news here folks As you know I was away for the holidays For the first time in the podcast history I missed a couple of shows I alerted all of you And now as a penalty, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, who runs this whole operation, has cut me down

from Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to two days a week. What a guy. What a way to start the year. So now it's Mondays and Thursdays, everybody. I do apologize for missing a day. but I hope you can live with it I hope you you know it's only you know

Wednesday's kind of gone and we move things back so you got you know Thursday and maybe if I get back in this guy's good graces back in his good books we can amp it up again wow

so there you go not the best way to start the new year but at least we're back on the air we're doing it and I hope we have a great year it's going to be fun lots of laughter and thanks for being here and let's just get this gravy train rolling the harland highway 2012 hello how are you today after you no please after you you ever too plight you get too plight and all of a sudden your extra plightness leads to trouble this I was too plate the other day man I'm driving along I had to go to my gynecologist I don't know

where I was going somewhere and somehow I got in behind a funeral procession yeah you know you've seen them somebody dies there's a big hearse way up at the front and then there's a big line of people and they get the little funeral things in there stuck on the front of their cars sure enough If I get him behind one and I'm like, oh, man, I'd better be polite. There's like a dead guy up there. Who knows what happened to him? He might have been killed at my gynecologist. I don't know.

So like a polite little guy, I stay in the funeral procession, and I don't want to go around. I don't want to honk. I'm trying to show respect for the dead. And then I get too polite. Okay, that should have been enough. But instead, I stay in the funeral procession. And I mean, instead of breaking off, going to my gynecologist, I follow them right into the graveyard.

I'm in the graveyard, everyone's crying, and next thing I know, I'm standing over the coffin going, um, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Um, Larry was a very special, it's Margaret. Oh, oh, sorry, Margaret. I just went way too far. And then I ended up going home with the family And we all had a cry huddle And I was late for my gynaecologist appointment

So be polite, but don't be too polite You have to give someone the finger on the Harland Highway Give them your little finger Your baby finger, it's cute You're still flipping them off but in a cute little way Hi, I'm yours Be polite, do it right watch out for funeral processions.

You want to make your gyno appointment here on the Harland Highway. And as we all know, the opposite of plight is rude. And how about a rude awakening? You ever hear that term? Well, check this rude awakening out. All right, as you know, I was away for the holidays, and part of my trip I was down in beautiful Costa Rica, okay? tropical rainforest, beaches, ocean,

just, you know, a wonderful kind of paradise full of thousands and thousands of species of ants and butterflies and lizards and snakes and fish and birds and monkeys. That's right, monkeys. And there's one monkey in particular called the howler monkey. Have a listen. what it sounds like. Okay.

And these guys like to go off early in the morning. And they live in like little packs, little packs of howlers. And within the pack is the male. And the male kind of, you know, he's the big bad boy of the group. and when he wants to kind of, you know, mark his territory, he's up in the canopy in the jungle trees. And whenever he wants the world to know that he's the man and that this is his turf, he lets rip with these crazy screams. And this is what you wake up to.

They like to do it early in the morning. Early in the morning, you get some howling. it sounds like a werewolf being ripped apart by a giant turbine and it's kind of haunting it's kind of scary and it's it's just chaotic and you know I used to think the worst thing in the world to wake up to is a rooster you know try waking up to this

every morning you got a big brown hairy guy up in a tree mad at you just yelling all right simmer down i'm getting up what do you want me to make an omelet relax what are you all geared up about have a coffee dude crawl down from your tree into the coffee bean fields and chew on some uh coffee beans I mean, it's pretty. You imagine if this was the way we woke up in North America? You know, you woke up beside your girlfriend, your lover, like, morning, baby! I feel better already, right?

Or what if you had to get a wake-up call on a hotel, right? You, like, called the night before. You had to be up at like 7 a. Hi, can I get a wake-up call for 7 a.m. please? Sure, no problem. Sure enough. 7 a.m. the phone rings. You're like, oh, who the hell's this?

You pick up the phone. Hello? What? Who? What? Oh, my wake-up call. Yeah, I'll be right down for the muffins and pancakes in the lobby. Thank you. So just a little highlight from my trip to Costa Rica. I saw many other incredible things, rattlesnakes, and,

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it's got a multitude of diverse wildlife, and you'll be fascinated with everything that's around. It's one of those places everywhere you look, something's living. You either see a giant caterpillar or a snake or a lizard or a bird, everywhere just teeming with life so i recommend it and a beautiful beaches beautiful sand really warm ocean water big waves not those wussy waves where you kind of you know roll up and down these ones actually like toss you around and crunch up and it's just a cool cool place so uh there

you go and uh you know what let me just close with this comment Hey, Arlen. I'm actually calling from your old stomping grounds up here in Canada. I just wanted to let you know on, I've got some news out here. The word's been going around that Harlan Williams has gone Hollywood. Oh, when I was flabbergasted when I heard the movie, you got Hollywood. I couldn't believe it. So I want to know, have you gone to Hollywood, Harlem?

I'm up here in your stomping grounds, and your people are telling me you've gone to Hollywood. I can't believe it. I can't believe in Harlem. This is too much. Goodbye. Well, okay. I'm sorry you can't believe it, but yeah, I'm... I went Hollywood about 20 years ago.

Okay, I moved out of Canada and came to Hollywood. So it shouldn't be a big surprise that I'm living in Hollywood. Yeah, I've gone Hollywood. It's not like, you know, I shot my movies up in, you know, the Northwest Territories. Shot them down here in Hollywood. And it's funny, though, you know, there's a story. stigma with with moving to hollywood people uh people always interpret that as like a snobby move or that you're abandoning your roots and you're not it's just you know i always say it like this

hollywood's where entertainment's made it's where movies are made it's where tv is made and you know it's like if you want to make cars move to detroit if you want to do uh you know computer technology, move to Silicon Valley. If you want to harvest corn, move to Arkansas. If you want to make movies and TV, you got to move to Hollywood. And so I did. And there's a misconception about Hollywood, too. People, you know, whenever you kind of mention to people where you live, you know,

I work in Hollywood, I'm in L.A. People are like, oh, yeah, God, those people. You're like, what do you mean? Oh, everyone in Hollywood is just so fake and superficial. Oh, God, it must drive you nuts. And then you break it down and you're like, well, wait a minute. Everyone in Hollywood is fake and superficial. I'm in Hollywood.

Are you suggesting I'm fake and superficial? Well, I don't mean fake. Everyone's an asshole. A bunch of assholes out in California. You know what? I've been all over the world and there's pretty much. much an asshole at every port okay and i'm not saying that from a sailors perspective i'm just saying that uh from the perspective of a human being who shares the planet with seven billion other human

beings you get the good and the bad wherever you go you can live in a small town out in a farming community right you could have to be in a small town with uh you know a hundred and 50 people. You don't think there's going to be an arsehole in the bunch? You don't think there's going to be a phony or a superficial fraud or whatever? Yeah. It's almost a given anywhere you go. There's certain types of people.

But, you know, California, Hollywood's full of some great, wonderful people, too. Talented, real, legitimate, artistic, kind-hearted, well-spoken, writers. actors, directors, you know, even though it's entertainment, a lot of this stuff takes intelligence. You know how difficult it is to put together a movie, a two-hour movie? Uh-huh. Next time you kind of chew out the Hollywood crowd, ask yourself if you could string together a two-hour motion picture.

Would you know how to do it? Would you know how to write it? Would you know how to produce it? Would you know how to put all the pieces together to get it done right? I don't think so, my friend. So, you know, I hope you're not upset with me, my Canadian friend, that I have moved down here. And this is where I peddle my wares.

This is where I create my product. But I enjoy it. It's a creative environment. and, you know, don't hate on me too much, buddy. I'm still bringing you the goods. I haven't let go on my Canadianism, if that's even a word. I have a dual passport, so I'm still Canadian, and I'm still American.

I'm a North American wonder child. So there you go, buddy. And maybe one day you'll be down here. Maybe one day you'll take the Harland Highway into Hollywood and see for yourself what's going on. Let he who is without Hollywood cast the first fake breast or collagen injection. So there you go. Harland in Hollywood. Welcome to the government doesn't want you to know.

Did you know that Canadian geese fly in a V formation because they don't know that World War II ended 50 years ago? They think it ended yesterday. Canadian geese fly in a V formation because they're flashing the V sign for victory. The government doesn't want you to know that Canadian geese are really out of touch. I mean, come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on now. Hey, won't you now?

Hyland Williams. Yeah, there's not many animals that know how to spell. There's not many animals that know how to make letters, right? If I was a giant flock of birds like that, I wouldn't just be doing the letter V. I'd like get all my flying goose buddies and get them all organized, and I'd form a whole bunch of letters, and you look up in the sky and hear the geese,

you look up and just the giant words, suck it fly by. Wait, what? Suck it. You know, they just form the giant S, the U, the C, the K. Then a few flocks over is the word it. Suck it. Oh, anyway.

Speaking of critters, here's something that's maybe not so humorous, but I got to tell you about it, man. It freaked me out. I was driving a couple of weeks ago, and I was down south. I was down in Florida, and I pull up to a stoplight, and I look beside me because I can hear cows. It's like, me, ah, me. And I'm like, what the hell is that? I looked beside me, and here's one of these great big 18-wheeler cattle trucks, okay? And it was a covered truck.

The back of the truck was covered, but it had little slots in it, right? Little openings that were, I don't know, like the size of, like a football maybe, okay? And I look over, and I just see this big, like, scared, horrified cow eye staring. in at me through my passenger window just you know the cows when they kind of they get scared and they kind of roll their eyes back in their head and you can see all the white and they just have that look like where am I man what's going on well how how come I'm moving my legs aren't moving but yet I'm moving weird you know like a George Carlin cow how can I be moving when my legs aren't moving weird and then i looked through all the other slots and there was like this

thing was packed had to be like i'm guessing there were 50 60 cows in this thing and all of a sudden i saw other faces like you know poking their eyes out and i could see a nose and i can see shadows and i could see flanks and hoops and different pieces of cows because these these little like openings on the side of the truck are spotted all over the side. They're down low. They're in the middle. They're up high. I guess it's to, you know, get ventilation in there.

And it was a bit of a horrific scene. I got to be honest, it reminded me of a scene from the Holocaust. And not comparing Jewish people to cattle in the flesh and bone form, but in the way that these living creatures were herded and corralled into this truck, I couldn't help but think of, you know, those horrible images of when you saw Jewish people herded into those train cars and stuffed in

and you see fingers sticking through the grills and faces looking through the cracks and horrified eyes peeking out a little holes. And these cows, you know, that they were confused and they were scared and it was mayhem and chaos and their quarters were too tight they were packed in on top of each other

and they're rustling around and they didn't know what was going on where they were going and it was kind of dark in there and they were surrounded by traffic and concrete and noises and cars and trucks going by I mean

I can only imagine that the terror going through those poor cows. You know, but picture this. You're like, every day you get up and you're like, well, what am I going to do today? Well, I guess I'll wander out into that grass and, you know, out in that field where all I can see is billowy clouds and buttercups and butterflies flapping around. And maybe I'll stand around and eat some grass in the quiet and the silence. and then maybe I'll just lay down and go to sleep and hear the buzzing of the breeze

and the chirping of the crickets. Right, you just wander around in a soft little field your whole life and then suddenly you're stuffed in the back of a Mack truck going to who knows where? Well, sadly, I know where they were going. They're going to the old slaughterhouse. And again, it's like that analogy, the poor people in the Holocaust. And it was very real and very, you just felt horrible.

And then what the irony is, right on the other side of this truck, and I'm not even joking, there was a McDonald's. Okay, right on the opposite. I was on one side, on the other side of the truck with some golden arches with a drive-thru. and that's just like rubbing salt in the wound man and it's like they're in that truck they're like oh guys i get some bad news but uh do you smell that i smell earl steve charlene and uh margaret coming out of that uh that their place called macdonalds can you smell them and uh it was just it was just crazy so imagine uh you know that the horror

for cows who aren't considered too bright. But yet you could almost tell by that horrible look in their eye that maybe they knew, maybe they knew what was going on. And I'm feeling guilt because I love my meat. I love my burgers. I love my steak. I think most of us do. And you know these guys are being carted off to, you know,

they're either going to get a bullet through the forehead or they're going to be hung upside down and have their throats got open. I don't even like talking about it. Could you hear me for clench up or whatever the saying is? But, you know, what are we going to do? What, what are you going to do? We're all going to go out in the jungle and hunt cows with blow darts?

Blalalalalah. Yeah. Uble, we'lloo, blu, a, you know. So there's got to be this, you know, this holocaust of cows where they're, push together in these big moving vehicles and take into the, you know, gas chamber, as it were. And right from there into our bellies. Wow. So, uh, interesting, interesting experience.

I don't know if you've ever had to deal with that or see that, but it was kind of creepy. Burn, burns a bit of a hole in your consciousness. um but uh hey man we're uh humans and uh we got to eat we got to eat so thank you cows for what it's worth thank you for your sacrifice thank you for your service thank you for your delicious marbling of fat and uh god bless you wherever he are up there and uh good old cow heaven Alleluia, allelaylouia. Wow. Wow. What a way to kick off the new year, the Holocaust cow bit. Good Lord. What could I say? It was a horrific sight, and what are you going to do, man?

But that's it. We're ending the show on an interesting note. Food for thought. and I'm sorry I didn't mean to say food for thought that that wasn't nice um uh hey happy new year welcome back to the harland highway uh so glad you are here let's have another fun filled year shall we um don't forget you can phone me here at 888 500 2090 uh you can write me at harland williams dot a com and it's going to be fun man tell your friends tell your family about the harland highway podcast and uh take note we are now only two days a week thanks to my boss who's got a pickle up as you know what so now it's going to be mondays and thursdays um maybe that means i don't have to see dr ascot because he used to see me on fridays this could be good

um so there you go uh that's all we got so for the first time this year let me say it chicken chow main baby parliament williams is going to hollywood