The Harland Highway - PODCAST 362

Episode Date: January 12, 2012

Drinking wheatgrass, Tim Teebo, ordering at Starbucks, air fresheners, the cost of freedom popcorn style, mullets are back!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good morning, Star Shine. Okay, that's probably enough to make you turn it off. But don't, don't, don't turn it off. It's the Harlan Highway. It's the podcast. It's me, Harlan Williams, your host. And I do apologize for that Good Morning Star Sign, whatever it was. But what a show, what a show.

We're going to be talking about the secret language of Starbucks. I'm sure some of you know it. I don't have a clue. Wheatgrass. You ever have wheatgrass? Well, we're going to talk about that. Freedom.

We're going to talk about American freedom as it pertains to popcorn. I hope you get something good out of that conversation. Mullets! Hello? Anybody have a mullet? We're going to talk about that. air fresheners we're going to talk about that and we're going to talk about the uh the phenomenon that is tim tibo uh the NFL quarterback who's doing some incredible things inspiring people

and uh making head-turning plays uh we're going to you know delve into uh his approach to the game and so much more lots of laugh lots of insight right here on the harland Highway Welcome to the Harland Highway Relax Get ready to have fun What we've got here

is failure to communicate One Keith Burger with everything coming up You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway Look at me Damien

It's all for you This is Harland Williams I'm a human being God damn it and here we go first snap of the overtime the Broncos have been in three overtime games this year they want them all got him got him at the 30 it's Thomas at the 50s stiffer got him three to the 30 to the 20 Thomas to the 10 Givers going on in the new eight one they won the first pride of overtime

oh yeah there it is tim tibo ladies and gentlemen how about that how about that how about How about that? Wow. The new rules. You got to score six on the first possession to close it out. They do it on the very first player. Wow. Tim Tebow, the guy's generating a sensation.

For those of you not familiar with Tim Tebow, he is the quarterback of the Denver Broncos. And let me bring you up to speed a little bit. here. From what I know, he was brought into quarterback mid-season for the Denver Broncos. He's a very religious guy. He doesn't hide it. He actually displays a lot of prayer and communication with the almighty up above right down on the field. It irritates a lot of people, but a lot of people actually like it. He came in and started winning games. He started winning games in an unorthodox manner. He was winning games in the fourth quarter with seconds left, minutes left.

I saw a game where he had eight seconds on the clock, and he won the game at the last moment. He's a guy that's big. He's over 200 pounds. He's big for a quarterback. He's athletic, obviously. He likes to run with the ball. A lot of the first downs and touchdowns that they get.

He's been able to participate in that. And I think what the real talking point here is that, you know, he's a guy that really, really is not ashamed or unabashed about his faith. He wears it right out there for the world to see. And as I said, some people don't like it. They're like, keep it off the field. Oh, God, what a holy roller.

That's the last thing we need. A Jesus Christ freak, blah, blah, blah. You know, people dumping all over them. And some people like it. But here's where I'm going to be. I'm going to be the moderator in the middle here, okay? whether you're an atheist, whether you're religious, whether you're not religious, I don't know. If you don't believe in anything, I think you got to acknowledge that there's forces of bad in the world and there's forces of good in the world.

Whether you want to attach a religious affiliation or association to those forces, it's up to you. But even if you're an atheist, you can't turn a blind eye to the fact that horrible things and bad people exist in the world. Doesn't mean it has anything to do with God if that's what you think. But they are there. War, murder, rape, theft, all this stuff, okay? And let's take that and move those energies into the game of football, into NFL football, where there is just a laundry list of guys getting involved in criminal activity, guys getting involved in shootings, in robberies,

in sexual assaults, in rapes, in murders. I mean, look at O.J. Look at Michael Vick dog fighting. Look at Ben Rothelsberger, you know, accused of rape. Look at Plaxigo, Burris, the guy fooling around with a gun, apparently shot himself. You know, you don't need me to tell you the laundry list of bad things and kind of violent stigma that has followed the NFL around. So, taking religion, which, yeah, I know you're going to give me the argument that, well, all the wars in the world have come from religion, millions have died from religion, millions have died from

religion, yeah. But those are the bad people in religion. But the other side of religion is, you know, especially with, you know, Christians and Catholics, it's about love. It's about tapping into the love of God and Jesus and doing good and believing in that power of faith and goodness and all that stuff. So there's a very good, holy, healthy, wholesome side to religion too. And that's the side, it's apparent that Tim Tebow is tapping into. He's tapping into the energy and the light and the power of his so-called God or Savior or Jesus or whoever.

So what I'm trying to say is I think it's nice, I think it's refreshing. fact, I think it's great that here's a guy in a rough and tumble sport that, you know, on the sidelines after the game is living under a cloud of violence and, you know, bad things going on. It's nice to see a guy out there, you know, living and playing and working under the guise of a positive energy. a love-based energy, a faith-filled energy. An energy that, as I said earlier, leans towards positivity, leans towards goodness.

You know what I mean? And I like that, man. That's inspiring. And even if you're an atheist living right now, if you try to argue that, I don't know. I think maybe you're just being stubborn. because, as I said, peel the religious label off it and just look at it as good, positive energy,

there's never anything wrong with that. So if he gets it from God or from Jesus, then he can inject that into the sport, into his life, into the field, the energy is good. If you're against the religion, I understand that. I'm not arguing that. but the energy, the positiveness, the vibe of, you know what I'm saying. And the other side of it, okay, if you are religious, we got through, you know, dealing with the naysayers.

Now, if you are religious, it's got to be a double bonus treat. I mean, this has got to be amazing because this is a guy that's, you know, channeling his faith in God to help him win games and come up with miracles. And, you know, for all intents of purposes, you watch the guy, and you kind of like get in there and you're like, yes, go, go, you can do this. You're kind of rooting for him and you're on his side and the passion in the guy's face and the fist pumping and the gritting the teeth and the, yeah, the energy. You can't deny it. And it's great to watch.

It's fun to watch. It's refreshing. and it's nice to see someone with an upbeat spiritual attitude out there. I personally love it, and, you know, I love it that he's tapping into his beliefs, and I'm not annoyed by it. Is it a little over the top, maybe? But, you know, it's giving us something to watch. It's giving us something entertaining.

It's giving us something different. You know, I don't know about you, but I almost feel like there is kind of like some kind of force or guardian angel watching over this guy. And I know it's just sports and oh, come on, Williams. Get off the mushrooms. But it's kind of fun to believe in that and believe in him. And, you know, I've always been a believer of the Almighty.

I don't inject it into my work the way Tim Tebow does, but in my private thoughts, in my private mind. I've always had a connection to a greater force. And I like it. I like it that this guy's just, you know, saying, hey, you guys do what you want, but I'm going to do my thing. And I would just love it. I would love it, you know, to see this guy take it all the way

and win the Super Bowl. I mean, you know, the world is full of bad. things and negative things and crooked people and crooked politicians and and I don't know if there's a guy that can maybe remind us if you're so inclined again I'm not trying to convert anybody here but if you're so inclined and there's days when you you don't have faith or there's days when you feel beat up or there's days when you wonder if there's anything out there if there's a god maybe just maybe I'm suggesting it. Tim Tebow reminds us that, you know, maybe it's okay to turn to some greater force in time of need.

Maybe it's a good thing to get down on your knee and pray. It's free. It can't hurt. And if you take away all his prayer and all his stuff, all you got left really is a great athlete with a lot of heart, a lot of passion, and a guy who just comes out to play the game. So if there's no religion, if there's no God at play here, and you peel all that away, then you just got a guy who loves the game, and he's fun to watch even on that level. So there you go. There's my Tim Tebow commentary.

Good for you, buddy. Go get them. I'm going to say it right here. I don't know how popular it will be, but I want you to win the Super Bowl, dude. I am a follower and I'm a believer in you and your energy and I love it and go get them

go get them Tebow go get them Tebow Oh and amen I love Java sweet and high Whoops Mr. Moto I'm a coffee pie I went to Starbucks the other day I go to Starbucks

I'm a hot chocolate drinker. I don't drink coffee. I've never had a coffee in my life. I'm not kidding. And I go to Starbucks, and the girl behind the counter, and the guy standing beside me, I don't know if they were speaking Chinese or Farsi.

She was like, what can I get you? He's like, latte, froppe, chai tea, fripino. And she's like, with a chai grande, mocha twist, He's like, no, make it a frop of channel, maka-loka, chingawanga, fung-fango. She's like, oh, okay, with the chingalanga, wanganga, wong-monga-bonga-bonga-bonga-bonga. Yeah, and how about a little extra chinguala, chuga-gougu-monga, wala, benga, flate-gronde, chikino, Al Pacino, Charlie Shino, chunga-wanga, linga-lingo. Oh, with cinnamon? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I'm telling you, people, I gotta go to DeVry. I gotta take a night school course to learn a second language. Yeah, I gotta learn Starbucks, because I think people are talking about me. Uh, umga, glucauca wuga, umga, waka waka, fratee grande, latte, Harland Highway, Grande, Grande Mongo, wanga. What, what was that? Harland, what? Harland Highway?

Frappuccino, Harlan, Highwino. I think I'll pull into a drive-thru and pour a cup of the Java in my lap. Maybe that'll give me some clarity here on the Harland Highway. And here's another thing I don't drink. Okay? And this is mystifying to me, but you ever see these people who drink the wheatgrass? Good Lord. What are you a moose?

Who the hell he... Have you seen this stuff? They got it at the health food stores? Or you can get it as a drink. I think Odd Walla. Odd Walla. This is my son, Odwola. He's not right.

He's been hitting the head with a tractor a few times. Wheatgrass. Apparently, oh, yeah, someone somewhere said it's got, you know, it's a miracle cure. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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Visit bemo.com slash V-I. Porter to learn more. It's like this crazy grass. I guess it's made out of wheat. I don't know. Wouldn't it just be wheat? Is it grass or is it wheat? Don't tell me wheat grass. That's like saying, hey, man, would you like a pizza burger?

Well, is it a burger or a pizza? Well, it's round, so I guess it's a burger. But what they do is they get this grass. It's a short little grass. It looks like grass. It's green and it's, you know, three inches high. It looks like you should be golfing on it. And they have little squares of it, right?

Almost like you could take a tea and a golf ball and have your own portable little tea off piece of grass. if you wanted to just drop a ball anywhere and, you know, take a swing with your golf club. But they get the grass and they throw it in a blender, they whip it up, and out comes a frothy liquid cup of grass. I mean, seriously, you know, don't you have enough grass on your front lawn? What do you, what do you, you know, take your, your clippings after you cut the lawn? and come on kids lunch is ready what are we having uh the front lawn ah

i mean good lord they whip it up and it's all green and grainy and and then you drink this crap what are you a cow yeah good i have some more wheatgrass i mean seriously it looks like sludge from the top of a swamp I hate to say this is going to sound gross but it looks like seagull poo or walrus diarrhea or moose caca in a glass

have a drink a wheat grass anybody got a gun I'd like to shoot myself I feel so good I mean come on man I mean what's what's next Here have some oak tree leaves Oh delicious

I feel like a beaver What did he say I mean God Gotta be careful People start whipping up Raw ingredients Hey John wasn't there a palm tree on our lawn Yesterday

Well I'll be damned There's teeth marks all over the stump I guess the neighbor's it. Nothing like a little palm oil in the morning. I don't know if you've had it, man. I think I took a sip of it once. I have a few friends who swear by it. I'm like, you know what? You go drink your wheat grass. And, you know, I wouldn't want to be your proctologist. Let's put it that way. I'll take a can of Coke.

And, you know, fries and a pizza before I drink, you know, someone's lawn. Oh, God, talking about it's made me hungry now. You know what? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There are some shrubs in my backyard and a couple of cactus. I'm going to go grab something to eat. I'll be right back.

I just sprayed some air freshener, man. Smells like a glated wood in here. Did that ever fool anybody, huh? You've had a big meal, you go into the bathroom, you've got to do your business. After you're done, it's not too pleasant. The air molecules have been poisoned. It's human.

Everybody's done it. Not me, but you have. It's just, you know, it's enough to knock a, flock of Canadian geese out of the air. I mean, they could be flying along in a V formation and just turn into an X or an O or a Y. You just knock them off their access. You've created such a stink. And what do you do? You don't want people to know that you are the source of the toxic cloud so you reach for that can. And you can't spray enough of it, man. It's big. It's barely working man it's like trying to patch up concrete with sand and suddenly you go from

egg salad that's tainted to a beautiful pine forest your toilet has become narnia i mean come on who you trickin with the tangerine lemon and now they got cinnamon spice and they got pine tree forest scent you think a moose farts out in the woods and he pulls you out a can that smells like a townhouse. It smells like a living room in here. I guess we gotta do something, right, to cover up the little stinky spots in life. Hey, what's that smell? You rolled down your window, and in comes

the cow manure. Oh, you can't win. Oh, you can't win. And here's something interesting about freedom. Here's where freedom can be very dangerous, okay? See if you agree with me on this. Oh, God, you're just talking about this makes my arteries clog up, okay? When you go to the movies and you buy popcorn, you know, you don't really have that much say and how much butter they put on it.

You know, I'd say 90% of the time you just accept what they do. Squirt, squirt, squirt, you're gone. Right? But then when you're at home, there's no limitations. How much butter do you put on your popcorn? And is it sickening? I mean, you know, when you're at the theater, you don't really see the butter. It's all melted.

It's in that squirty thing. Right? And it's in liquid forms. You don't really, you're not really able to comprehend how much butter is squirted onto your delicious popcorn. But at home, what you do is you take a brick. Yeah, that's right. A whole brick of butter out of the fridge. Take a whole brick of butter out of the fridge.

And you cut a chunk off. And it sure looks like a lot, doesn't it? no matter how much you cut off. But you cut a chunk off and you go, well, that's going to be melted in a minute. And, you know, once it's melted, it's not going to be a lot. So I better cut off a little more because, you know, that's going to get melted.

So you cut off some more. And then you go, well, I want the butter to be over everything. So you cut off some more. Sometimes you cut up like a whole half brick of butter. Ew. It's got to be the most unhealthy thing. ever. You might as well just ditch the popcorn and just drink the melted butter. Right? Or just get a big needle and inject the liquid butter into your artery.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. And then you ever do this, you know, you get halfway through your popcorn, because when you pour the butter on, right, it all goes over the top of the popcorn. So that top layer, that top layer of popcorn is always the best. You know, you touch it, you can feel the moisture, you can feel the liquid butter on. You're like, oh, this is gone in my mouth. Right? But then you get through that layer, and the popcorn underneath is dry, and then all the butter that didn't get on the top kind of sifted through to the bottom of the bowl.

but you're not at the bottom yet you're still near the top so what do you do you go i'm gonna need more butter you go cut off another big chunk shove it in the microwave melt it oh it's dangerous so that's what i'm saying maybe too much freedom can be a bad thing maybe being able to put our own butter on our popcorn is is killing us you know maybe there needs to be uh we should all have an in-house movie usher living in our homes. Good morning, Mr. Williams. Will you be seeing a movie this evening?

Ah, yes, I will. Excellent. I'll get the butter. Just one-third tablespoon. Exactly. Salted or unsalted. Don't ask me my business asshole. What? What? So, I don't know. I hope

you're being good. I don't want to see you keel over in the middle of Blade Runner. I I want to see you have cardiac arrest, you know, during, you know, an Adam Sandler movie. Well, maybe during an Adam Sandler movie, you should. But just watch it, man, and enjoy the movies. Okay, this one is, this guy, I don't know if the guys should be listening to this next segment. this one's mostly for the ladies

and guys if you're listening in you're kind of like you're looking behind the curtain because this is private ladies stuff that I need to talk to the ladies about today and so guys plug your ears okay turn the volume down you can't hear this ladies I'm here to talk to you about the new hairstyles I'm not talking about the hairstyles

you know up on top I'm just reporting to you what the latest trends are. You know, I know you girls do various stylings down there. You know, you got the landing strip, they call it.

The little landing strip, the strip of bacon, and you got the Brazilian, and you got the little heart shape, and, well, there's a bit of a retro thing coming back in the new hairstyle down there, ladies.

It's the mullet. Okay? That's the new style, the sexy style. It's the mullet. There, it's out. It's coming back. I know it was big in the 70s and the early 80s, but the whole Duran Duran down below thing is, you know, it's mullet time.

So there you go. I hope, guys, turn your radios back up. Ladies, good luck. Get hair plug. if you need to, but get that mullet started here on the Harlan Highway. Okay, do you think they were buying that? Do you think they bought the whole mullet thing? How many girls?

I wonder how many are going to go out and actually grow a mullet down there. What? We're still on? Oh, my God. Go to a commercial. Go to a commercial. You idiot. Mom?

I've got to ask you something really. personal do you douche i sure do but only with massingville vinegar and water why massingle vinegar and water that's what my doctor recommends for a naturally fresh feeling only massingill has two vinegar and water duches pure extra mild and extra cleansing when you need it you'll see how clean and fresh massingale makes you feel massingale trusted by more women than any other brand Okay, let's hang it up right there, shall we? Wow. Getting in on a women's private business right there at the end of the show.

Look out, mama, look out. Let's talk about a few things before we shut her down. I've got a lot of calls, a lot of emails, asking me what happened to the Harland Highway on Stitcher? Stitcher Radio, and the answer is, I don't know. Suddenly I was not on Stitcher anymore, and we're working on it. We are trying to find out what happened, whether it was a technical glitch or something. So we will keep you updated on Stitcher. I know a lot of you use Stitcher to catch the highway,

and we are working on it feverishly and hope to be back up on Stitcher. Radio.com soon so you can hear the highway on your cell phone. And let's get you up to date on my whereabouts this year. My next stand-up performance, my next stand-up show will be at the West Palm Improv in Florida. That's going to be January 26 through the 29th. It's going to be a grand old time. get your tickets go to improv.com fish around for the West Palm Beach improv link and please reserve as that club usually gets very packed out when daddy comes to town

so look forward to seeing you there and what else can I tell you don't forget to go to the store you know with the economy the way it is and people hurting a little bit. I went into the store and we kind of slashed a lot of the prices. We brought the price down on a lot of the merchandise, you know, just to help you folks through this economy. Not that the prices were outrageous, but you know what? It's like everybody's hurting a little bit and I felt it was my

moral obligation to, you know, try and help out too. So if you were ever thinking of getting something from the store that would help make you laugh and you thought it was a little too pricey or out of reach, take a second look at the store at harlomwelliams.com and who knows, maybe there's something that's more to your liking there. I think you'll be happy and pleased with the prices. And that's it, man. That is it.

As you know, we're down to two days a week, thanks to my cranky boss. Mr. Featherstone. We're Mondays and Thursdays now. Maybe we'll get back up there. I don't know. We'll find out. But thank you for being here. Tell your friends.

Tell your enemies. Tell your family. And until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chow-May, baby. You have a fascinating background. You know what's amazing. A lot of guys in your profession.

You know what? They got girls waiting at the gate. at the hotels all of this stuff you grew up in a very religious family you worked on a farm you did you went a missionary trips to the Philippines with you with your dad as a missionary yeah you prayed up until the minute you chose Florida you know where you where was the right place for you to be and where you should go and you did this all at a young age how to what is the difference between you and you see what's going on in football well you've definitely done your

research but I think for me ever since I was a young boy my dad used to always tell me he said you know as a football player you're going to be blessed with the platform and when you have success on the football field you know people are going to look up to you and they do with my success you know at florida and being a first-round traffic to the Denver broncos you know i'm blessed with a platform and i believe more than just a platform it's a responsibility and obligation to be a great role model to set a great example because it's one thing to score touchdowns and win trophies and championships but at the end of the day that doesn't matter but if you can affect people if you can

change people's lives if you can be a good role model someone that a that a mom or dad can look to their son and say hey that's that's how you need to handle it then that's my ultimate goal and that's ultimately how i would define my life life as having success if i can reach that if i can be a good role model like i had when i was young and danie warfell and tony dunchy and some great role models that i had no tony's a good friend of mine i uh i agree um with you but christians are saved you told a really touching story about how you wanted to want to wanted to become a Christian. Your dad's minister was tough on you. You went to your mom and she prayed with you and you became a Christian. But I guess the question I have is there's a lot of temptation

in this world. You know, especially if you were in the public eye and you are a rock star athlete like you are, you know, not everybody has your strength or your faith to guide you through that. Have you thought through how you're going to deal with all of that? Absolutely. And there's going to be a lot of temptation. And, you know, the longest goes on with football and everything and being in the spotlight, you're going to have more and more temptation. I think the number one way that you handle that is obviously by having a strong faith and relying on that and staying in the word, but also by having a great support staff around you, by having

friends that keep you accountable, by having, you know, just everyone in my family to having, you know, everyone that's involved, my agents, everything, to getting all that support staff that will leave in me and also going to keep me accountable and make sure I'm doing the right thing. How do your fellow athletes respond to your outspoken faith, Christianity, this, hey, we are role models? Because some athletes reject the idea. I'm not a role model. Well, I think they respect me, but it's not necessarily for that.

It's because, you know, they know how passionate I am about football. They know how much work I put into it. They know that I'm the first one there and the last one to leave. And they know that I care about them. And so that outweighs everything else. I think they respect me for that. And then they see my actions. And, you know, I think, you know, once they see my actions and respect me for that,

then they're more likely to listen to me and hear what I'm actually saying. Do you experience that? Maybe guys watched you and wondered and then all of a sudden they're in trouble. Probably one of the first guys they would turn to. Absolutely. There's no doubt about it. And, you know, that's the thing, is so many people think that it's about what you say. And it really doesn't have much at all to do with what you say.

It has to do with your actions and what you do every day. And then when they look at you after a long period of time and they see, okay, he's, for real and then they'll come to you in your talk and I think that's the greatest witness to basically say talk show hosts that are all big mouths and have no I'm kidding our words have no impact interesting the controversy and you discuss this in the book about the the Super Bowl ad that you did with Focus on the family and people were projecting in what they thought it was going to be and it wasn't anything what they thought and you did this but why and what was the outcome of that I did it

because you have a very special relationship with my mom and I went a lot of doctors told her that it was that she needed to give up on me she believed they said she needed to abort you they did and and she believed in me and believed that God had a plan for my life even they were you or even when they were saying I might not even baby I might just be a be a tumor and she believed and she had the courage and it was an opportunity to publicly thank her and then also do something to celebrate life and it wasn't being Judge Miller putting anybody down but it was didn't they tell her that you were going she was going to die if she continued to

carry you. They said she had a high chance. Yeah. And what was interesting after you were born is apparently the doctor said it was a bit of a miracle because there was so little of the placenta that was nourishing you. So I was malnourished when I was born and so, you know, my parents asked everyone to pray and, you know, I caught up pretty quickly. It looks like it. The brother of yours is resenting every minute of it right now. All right, so what are your future plans? What are you going to be doing from here? Well, I have several goals. You know, my dream since I was a little boy, was to be a quarterback in NFL, and that's something I'm pursuing, and I'm working extremely hard to do that. And then also, I've started to attempt to a foundation, and our goal is to bring faith, hope, and love

to those needing a brighter day in their darkest hour of need, and that is my ultimate goal. You're still hoping with the family orphanage that you have in the Philippines? I definitely am, and we're supporting over 600 orphaneds. We're building a hospital in the Philippines. We've got several Timmy's playrooms. We're really trying to make a difference, because honestly, I want my legacy. to be with the kids that I impacted, not in the football fields that I played on. The more Super Bowl rings you win, I would argue more, though.

You're going to have more impact. Tim Tebow, you're a great American. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.