The Harland Highway - PODCAST 363

Episode Date: January 16, 2012

The sound of bagpipes, the election is on, first visit with Dr. Ascot 2012, Jimmney Cricket, my cousin releases a new CD and I play a cut. Pass the plop pickers!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Go, granny, go, granny, go, granny, go. Bava, ba, bah, bam, bab, bah, bum. No, I don't mean go to the bathroom. Granny, come back. Don't go to the bathroom. Okay, what was that? Stupid way to start. I tried to hook you with a catchy zinger tune, and it didn't work.

But welcome to the show. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I am Harlan Williams. And speaking of trying to hook you with a song, way to you hear the song I'm going to play for you today, My cousin Kevin from the Bare Naked Ladies has a solo CD out. I'm going to play a cut from his CD, and I hope you dig it. I love it.

So stick around for that. And on the theme of music, bagpipes. Anybody play bagpipes? I hope not, because they drive me crazy. We're going to talk about it. What about your conscience? Do you have a conscience? Is your conscience your guide, like Pinocchio's?

We're going to get into that. I hope you have a conscience. And then Dr. Ascot is here. My first visit with Dr. Ascott for 2012, real big downer, and something that might even be more of a big downer, the elections, and more in particular, the election process.

We're going to talk about that. Is it cool? Is it out of date? Does it bum you out? I don't know. But the Harlan Highway won't bum you out. Because it's the Harland Highway! Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. Wow! What we've got here is failure to communicate. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams.

I'm a human being. God. Hey, hey, hey, this is Harlan Williams talking to you. You out there in the world, the big revolving blue planet. Are you behaving yourself? Are you letting your conscience be your guide? Always let your conscience be your guide. Remember Pinocchio?

Used to sing that. He had that little weird insect. He had like a locust or a, I don't know, a cricket used to jump around in a top hat and spat That was his conscience Imagine that We had little conscience Running around with us

When you wish upon a star That would keep everyone on the up and upright Next time you decide you want to jump on the internet And watch some porn Your little cricket would jump up When you wish Upon a star Huh

Start singing in your ear. You're like, okay, I better know, watch the porno. Next time you want to cheat on your partner, you're taking your shirt off and a dirty Motel 6, room number 59, where the oil rig workers usually stay, but somehow you scored it tonight.

Just about to undo that bell buckle. And like a pole out of the blue. Eight steps in. and seize you through Oh, okay, and put my clothes back on Damn little locust, little cricket. Huh? Your conscience.

Where is it, folks? If you don't have one, stop by the next field and pick up a little grasshopper. Crazy glue them to your shoulder. Why are you putting your pants back on, honey? Your dreams call. Come on, baby, we got the oil rig worker suite. We spent 30 bucks on this room.

Hello, room service. Hello, hello, hello room service. Is there somebody singing in there, man? Sounds like a grasshopper, man. What the hell's going on in there? Call the police, call the police, call the police, call the police. Harlan Williams Oh, yeah, that good old conscience.

How about you? How's your conscience? Maybe, do you have a story for me? Do you have a story for the pavement pounders? Is there something in your life or something, you know, that you did recently where the left hand was reaching? and you're like, I know this isn't right. I know this isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this.

And then the right hand went, don't do it, don't do it. And you pulled back. Or is there a story you have where you're like, I know this isn't right? I know this isn't right. But who gives a crap? I'm doing it anyways.

Yeah, baby. I want to hear your stories. 888, 52090. Let's share them. Let's share them with the rest of the Harland Highway pavement pounders do you have the scruples do you have the nuts to tell us your story and it doesn't have to be uh you know it could be something is as bad as cheating on your diet it doesn't have to be totally graphic or crazy but uh let me know if there was a situation where you had

to balance something and you were fighting against your own will and you either gave in to it or you you beat you beat your urges um so let me know please 888 500 2090 ah i do love the way jimony cricket sings don't you um and speaking of singing i got i got to do this i can't not do this My cousin, Kevin Hearn, who's like my little bro, my little brodsky, my little bra, my little Brodsky. Kevin, as you may or may not know, is my cousin, and he's a few years younger than me. And he is a member of a very famous rock and roll band called The Bare Naked Ladies, and he's the keyboard player in the band and he writes some of the tunes

and does some guitar work and just a big talented cousin. I've got a big talented cousin. I don't know where he gets it. Maybe from me. I don't know. But Kevin has a little side band. In fact, he's got a few of them.

He's got the cousins, which he does with me. Okay. We have a few little songs out there on the wards. world. Then he's got another little band called Thinbuckle that he does with some friends. And then he's got his own little CD that he just put out called Kevin Hearn Cloud Maintenance. And it's a brand new CD. You can get it online. You can get it at your record stores, wherever. You can get it at Kevin Herne.com

And I wouldn't be a cool cousin if I wasn't supporting my Brodsky's, Brodsky's, Brodsky's, Brohko. Whatever that means. And my favorite song on his new CD, it kind of caught me off guard because it's, you know, his music is for adults, obviously. It's deep and lyrical. But there's one song,

on it the last cut cut number 10 that I just found really fun and charming and entertaining and it's called Monsters Anonymous and it's a song about a bunch of monsters getting together you know kind of discussing their problems kind of the same way I guess a bunch of people at AA or any other type of you know group get together would would do and it's It's this real catchy song. I don't know if you'll like it or not. I love it. It's one of my favorite songs he's ever put together.

And I just, I catch myself singing it over and over. You know, the more I listen to it, the more it gets in my head. And it's really kind of fun and sweet and innocent. And by the way, there's a video on YouTube of the song, a little cartoon video that you can watch, which is equally just as fun and charming and really adds another layer to the song. So without further ado, here's my cousin, Kevin Hearn, with his new song, Monsters Anonymous. I hope you like it.

Hello and welcome to the first general meeting of the Monsters Anonymous. Hello, my name is T. I think I've got a complex. I always want to smash the duplex. Oh, yeah. Hello, my name is Loftiness. I've been living in the darkness. I won't bore you with my regrets. Oh no. Hello, I am a psychos. I think I'm losing my choice. I'm addicted to my eye drop. Oh, oh, oh. I'm Frankenstein's creation.

And here's my explanation. Why, I'm bad at procreation. sugar my nut's all in my neck I'm the monster under your bed I'm hungry I'm not being fed maybe I'll leave you oh yeah I am the minor

for 3,000 years or more One day has been the star Oh no Hello, I am a giant If you're wondering where you called I'm going to get my fruit Oh yeah Daylight has come

Don't blink your eyes or it's gone You better run You better run You better run You better run Thank you for attending the first general meeting

of the Monsters Anonymous There it is. There it is. From the new CD Cloud Maintenance, that's Kevin Hearn, my cousin, very proud of him. And that's the song Monsters Anonymous. Did you like it? Did you dig it? I guarantee, well, I don't guarantee, but it happened to me.

If you listen to that song like three times, you're kind of hooked. It kind of gets in your head and you're humming it and kind of want to hear it again. My favorite part, though, The Monster Under the Bed. Do you hear that woman? Obviously Kevin sings the first part right up to T-Rex. And then it's a bunch of guest singers. And I just love the monster under the bed. What a sexy voice.

What a sexy singer. I'm the monster on the band. to your bed, I want to eat your head. You know, God, I can't do it just. I probably just ruined it right there. But there you go. My little cousin, Kevin Hearn. Check it out.

If you like it, you want to hear more, go to his website, Kevin Hearn.com and order your CD today. And there you go. No, I'm going to go look under my bed and see if I can find that sexy singer. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich. Where's my Scottish peeps at, huh? Where's my Scotsman?

Flap your kilt if you're Scottish. Huh? Just lift your kilt and do a curtsy if you're Scottish. All right, we got to talk. What is with the bagpipe? Who? Where did you Scottish? people come up with the bagpipe and how is it possibly a musical instrument i mean you never see it in a rock

band i mean and you know boston doesn't have a bagpipe led zeppelin no bagpipe i mean who uses a bagpipe funerals prades and weddings i don't know if i want to go out of life listening to a bagpipe That's enough to make me get up out of my coffin and walk. No offense if you blow the bagpipe, but that is a noisy apparatus. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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up with air. It looks like you're playing someone's stomach, and they're wearing plaid underpants. Have you seen the shape of the thing? Look of my sexy bodd. Looks like a stomach wearing plaid boxer briefs. Oh, yeah. And then there's all these

things sticking out of it. It looks like a Matador stabbed it. Looks like the back of a bull's hump after a bull fight. You got all these things sticking out of it. And then the guy playing it. Holy God. He's standing there in his little dress and his little fry cook hat and his nice socks pulled up to his knees and he's turning purple and green.

Sometimes I wonder who's playing who. See the big bagpipe blowing up and then you see the guy's cheeks. He looks like Dizzy Gillespie's illegitimate godson. Wow, get over here and blow up my birthday cake, Scotty. And is that really music? I mean, couldn't you pretty much pick a couple of cats up? by the tail and whack them with a violin bow? Get the same screeching sound?

Holy jumping! I don't know if I want that sound in my wedding. You may now kiss the bride. Oh, my God. Talk about a mood wrecker. What's next on the honeymoon? You make love and you have some old lady. Go over a cat's tail in a rocking chair while you're going at it?

Oh, maybe in a parade. That's where it belongs. Maybe in a parade. Maybe that sound, the shockwaves coming from the bagpipes scare the rain clouds away. That's why prades are always sunny somehow. Even the clouds are taken off. Oh, Jesus, there goes the bagpipes again. Let's get out of here.

I can't take the noise of the bagpipes. Maybe that's why the Loch Ness monster never comes around, huh? People think it's a big mystery that they haven't seen it. Here's why they haven't seen it. It doesn't want to come up above the water and hear... Oh, Jesus, there's those bagpipes again. I'm going back underwater for the next decade or so. Oh, boy.

Come on, Scotsman. Put down the bagpipes and pick up the air guitar or something. here on the nice and quiet Harland Highway. Yeah, I mean, are you with me on this one? Is there anything more annoying than the bagpipes? I mean, really, well, you know what? I'm looking at my memo sheet, my worksheet here. And guess what?

I think I'm just about to answer my own question. Is there anything more annoying than the bagpipes? Yes, there is. and guess what his name is, Dr. Ascot. Unbelievable. My first session of the new year with this. Oh, I won't even say it. Can't believe they're making me do this stuff still.

I got to do these on-air therapy sessions with a professional psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever he is because the people who run the podcast consider me a liability They think I'm a loose cannon, a free wheel, that I'm going to say something stupid and get them in trouble somehow. So to demonstrate to the investors that I'm of sound mind,

and I'm not going to be a disruption and a liability, I have to take these on-air therapeutic sessions with Dr. Ascot. And I know most of you who have been listening know that, but I'm bringing new listeners up to date. Let me get it over with. Let me get it over with.

Let's see this idiot Dr. Ascot. Unbelievable. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Alland. Here we go. Another year of this. Holland. Another year of having to sit here and look at you.

I thought because they changed my show from Monday to Thursday. I won't have to see you, because I used to see you on Fridays. I changed my schedule immediately, Alland, to accommodate our Sessions. Our what? Sessons. It's Sessions, not Sessons. Alland.

Well, you're saying it wrong. Don't Allend me. Allend, I'm trying to accommodate our Sessons. You just did it again. You said Sessons. Sessons, Holland. That, that, why aren't you saying Sessions? Arland, I believe I clearly said Sessions.

You're doing it to bug me, Ascot, and what's with the red shoes? Arland. What are we doing today? Well, Arland, it is a new year, and I thought I'd ask you what some of your personal objectives are. It's always important, Arland, to have goals. When one sets goals in life, Arland, one has something to shoot for, creates hope and enthusiasm for living. Oh, Holland. Why? That's the longest one you've ever done.

What? My name. Cut it. That's, you know what? There you go. That's my New Year's resolution. What, Arland. To not have you say my name. name so long. Well, that wouldn't be your resolution, Arland, that would be my resolution. Well, then make it

yours. Holland, let's carry on with the Sesson. It's not a Sesson. It's a Session. Alland. But what are my resolutions? Yes, Holland. Well, I want to do this podcast.

I want to make it better and better and make it, you know, Great for the people listening? The pavement pounders? The what? The pavement pounders. What are you giggling at? What did you just say, Alland?

The pavement pounders. That's the name of my listeners. The Harland Highway pavement pounders. Stop! What are you doing? Holland, you have to admit that name is a bit ridiculous. No, it's not. One of my listeners came up with it, and I like it.

The pavement bound is Holland. Stop! Stop laughing! All right, what else do you have, Holland? What else do I? I don't think you even... Guess what? I want to quit smoking.

You don't smoke, Holland. Oh, so you're paying attention now. I want to stop buying dresses and shoes. Ohland, you're not a girl. Yeah, well, I'm just seeing if you're paying attention. Allan, may I have a suggestion for you, please? Okay, what? I suggest, Arland, that this year you give an honest effort to enjoy our sessions.

Year after year, week after week you fight the sessions, Arland. Maybe it's time to change your attitude and enjoy the sessions. Well, I don't know. Maybe, okay, look, I'm a positive energy guy. Maybe I'm, maybe it is me. Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way. Maybe I'm a little irritated. I'm a little agitated. I'm a little agitated. if I just lighten up and I look for the positive in this, maybe I will even come to like it. Maybe you're on to something.

You see, Holland. I don't know if it's going to be easy, but maybe I'll try. Yes, I'm going to try. I'm going to try and really like these sessions, Dr. Ascot, and embrace them. Thank you. That's an excellent suggestion. See, I'm being positive. Excellent.

All. All right. Fuck off. I'm out of here. That was the longest one ever. Fuck your dirty Chinese pussy. Holland. I'm out of here. See you later, As Scott.

For a second. I would even entertain you, and nice red shoes. Oh, don't even try. Goodbye. I'm gonna, I hate you and I hate this. Aw, goodbye! How did he know about my Chinese pussy? Well, the elections are in full swing in case you haven't noticed.

I don't know how many of you follow the old campaign trail and follow the politicians. But by God, my God and by God, it's a little bit crushing when you watch the two sides bickering and pointing fingers at each other and highlighting each other's faults. You know, it makes the person in the middle, which is you and me,

sitting there going, well, geez, the Republicans are saying that the Democrats are this pile of crap who have failed on this level and that level and are dooming the country and are going to doom the nation and blah, blah, blah. And then you got the Democrats pointing at the Republicans going, well, this is the worst party in the world and this is this, and look what this guy's done, and look at the track record. and look at the trillions of dollars spent. And you and I sit there in the middle and go,

oh, okay, so they're both a piece of crap. Let me pick a piece of crap. Gee, which piece of crap do I pick? Do I pick the Democrats or the Republicans? Because according to each party, they both suck, and they're both evil, and they're both incompetent, and they're both horrible,

and they're both degenerates, and they're both miserable. failures, so aren't I glad I have a choice between the two losers? Oh, God! I mean, honestly, it's just

not a good feeling. I don't know how it's ever going to change. I don't know if there can be the introduction of new parties. But you've got to figure something's got to change over the course of American history.

I mean, really? For the rest, of time for the rest of the United States of America's existence. Is this going to happen every four years? Two stale old parties yelling at each other and pointing the finger and telling us how great they are and how bad the other one is? And yet either way, we're stuck with one of them. It's just like, it's like going to a restaurant and the waiter said,

Because, all right, here's what we have to eat today. You can have the sour milk with fly larvae salad. Or you can have the rancid pork chop with moldy mashed potatoes. You pick your dish. Either one is a pile of crap. Either one's going to make you feel like crap. Either one of them stinks to high heaven. You see what I mean?

It's just like, good night. what are we going to do folks I mean you know just because of systems in place does that mean it has to stay in place well when is it going to change how does it change what is it what's the future and I don't know if it's it's you or me or just me

but I get the feeling that people and the public are getting more and more despondent over their their lack of of choice in the government that's running their lives, running their country, for God's sakes, almost running the world. And I'm not picking either sides. I'm saying they're both guilty of the same thing. I just wonder when it's going to get good for us, huh?

Folks, me and you? Huh? Ah? Ah? When does it get good for me and you? When does the waiter say, Tonight I have a delicious lobster thermidor with chocolate fudge cake And our other selection is a delicious tea-bone steak

With scalloped potatoes and Yorkshire pudding. Which one would you like? And we can sit there and go, oh, either one, either one I'm going to get. It's going to be good. So I hope we get to that day soon, man. It'll be interesting to see who wins. I'm going to make an early call. I'm going to make a prediction.

No party affiliations, but I have a feeling my guts telling me Romney will be the next president. That's my call. And I have my reasons. I won't go into them now, but maybe you have a call you want to make. If you want to share that with us, 888, 52090, or you can write me at harland williams.com. Now let's get down to business. We're coming up to the end of the show.

Don't forget, January 26, 27, 28, and 29, I will be in West Palm Beach, Florida at the improv. Okay? It is going to be hot. And then check this out if you're in Las Vegas, Nevada. I am opening. I'm not opening it, but it's the opening weekend for a brand new comedy club at the Paris Casino.

And I don't even know the name of the club. That's how new it is. But it's going to be the Paris Casino in Las Vegas, February 9 through 11. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. The Paris Casino in Las Vegas, a brand new room. It'll be opening weekend. I'm going to be open.

opening the place, and it's going to be cool. That's a great casino, and that's going to be a lot of juicy fun. So if you're at either of those places, check it out. Check it out, player. And don't forget tell your friends and family about the Harland Highway. Don't forget to check out Harlowilliams.com where we have lowered the prices on all the merchandise in the store. kind of help people through this rough economy we're in. So maybe you'll see something you like.

And that's it, man. Thanks for joining. And we will see you next time. And until then, my friends, chicken, chow, main, baby. When you wish for all our life, makes no. friends who you are because when you wish

upon my life of just your dreams of you Thank you.