The Harland Highway - PODCAST 364

Episode Date: January 19, 2012

A very interesting freak! Tricks with your cell phone, Golden Globe winner Meryl Streep. Blop goes the Bleesle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, Seniors, and Senoritas. This is the Harland Highway. Hey, what's up, players? It's Harlan Williams. You are on the Harlan Highway for another miraculous trip down the pavement. And what a show we have today? Not a lot of topics today, but important topics. Like vaginas?

Mm-hmm. I'm going to be talking about the old vagina, Jay, Jay. And way do you hear what I have to say about it. Way do you see what I've discovered about the vagina. Holy God. It's a head turner. And then we're going to be talking about cell phones on airplanes and how you can use them to your advantage to get exactly what you want out of your airlines.

And then, as you know, the Golden Globes were Sunday, and I don't know. I enjoyed it, but I got some comments. I'm about to rag all over Meryl Streep, okay? One of my favorite female actress just about, and I was pissed, I was disappointed, and I'm going to go on a bit of a rant at the end of the show, scolding her real bad. Hopefully you agree with me. but who knows, it's the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Relax. Get ready to have fun. What we've got here is failure to communicate. One Keith Burger with everything coming up. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Look at me, Damien. It's all for you. This is Harland Williams. I'm a human being.

God damn it. Okay. All right. First story up here on the highway. Ladies, and don't take this the wrong way, I need you to do. Pull down your pants, lift up your skirts, and count your vaginas. Yeah, I'm not kidding, man. This first story.

Oh, God. I hope, did you like freaks? Because this might be my favorite freak. I'm not talking about, like, the girl with the goat face or the rubber skin or the sword swallower or the human cannonball. This story is about a woman, oh, God bless her, who has two vaginas. That's right, I said it. One, two. Two vaginas, okay?

and if you don't believe me, listen to her being interviewed on the British news. A medical condition, which is thought to affect around 1 in 3,000 women. It means that she has two vaginas. But Hazel's condition is even more complicated, making her 1 in a million. Wait a minute. One in 3,000? I mean, if that's true, by now I should have probably bumped into a double header or a double flapper or whatever. I don't know how to say it, man.

A double bubble. I don't know. Even if it's one in a million, like the dude said. Holy God, there's 7 billion people on planet Earth. So that means I can't even do the vaginal math. But there's a lot of ladies walking around with two vaginas between their legs. What? I'd never heard of this.

I've been dating the wrong girls. you are you telling me i could have had two what what oh my heaven i'm in heaven oh god this is crazy uh let's let's listen to a little more here no no it's it is extraordinary but but for you growing up when you were little you didn't spot it and neither did you mom no no i didn't know as any different whatsoever what What? How do you not know you're different? What? You're peeing out of two different holes.

How do you not know you're different? How do you not? That's like a cyclop saying, I didn't know I had one eye. What do you mean? I only have one eye. I can see just fine. Wait, wait, I don't have two eyes. What?

How do you not know you have two vagina? Wow. Like when you sit down to pee and the left side of you goes one time and the right side of you goes the other, maybe there's something up. And how about this interviewer guy? Listen to this guy when she goes, I have two vaginas. He's like, no, no. Whoa, no, no. Thanks for the encouragement, buddy.

Thanks for having me on your national TV show And you know Making me feel like a freak I've got two vaginas No No I mean what's with the no no Should the reaction be like

Yes Yes And I got to tell you For the sake of this interview You know This girl was hot She's a tall like blonde With long blonde air blue eyes

She's model material to boot. Okay? Now, the obvious question in everyone's mind is, well, oh, my God, this girl could make a fortune doing porn. I don't know if any of you listening have ever seen, you know, the entrance and the exit to the bat cave at the same time, man. I mean, there's two vaginas there we're talking about. No, no. And I'm not so much glamorizing it.

I'm as much as I'm in shock. No. No. It's just an odd, odd deal. No. No. But you've got to figure men and even women would probably put a nickel in the slot, so to speak, to see a woman with two vaginas. No.

I mean, that is an oddity. I mean, you know, they have whole, they have whole tents at the freak show for the calf with two heads. or the snake with two heads how about the woman with two pussies i mean god i don't want to sound crude but how do you say it she's got a litter of cats in her lap the first time that you notice any sort of problem ever was when your period started

at the age of 14 that was not fun was it because really you were getting two separate periods well i guess there's always the other side of the coin. Can you imagine a double dose of PMS? I mean, gentlemen, how many times have you had to deal with a woman on her period? Sometimes it cannot be fun. Imagine doubling your bet. Hey, honey, you want to go get some ice cream? Leave me alone, you son of a bitch. Oh boy. I'm on my period. Oh, God. I'm on my other period, too. Oh, boy, I'm having a double period.

Give me the shotgun. I'm going to kill everybody. Holy God. And so scientifically, you have to ask, how does this darn double vagina thing all work? How did it happen? What's happened with Hazel is that septum never broke down, and the two tubes have made two separate uteruses

and two vaginas and two cervixes, which obviously has huge implications for you in terms of things like smear tests and so on. I don't know if I'm worried about a smear test if I've got two vaginas. I'm probably worried about, you know, which one my boyfriend or husband is going to be parking the car in that night.

I mean, whoa. And let's face it, guys, guys, guys. I mean, you know, obviously you can't talk about this without taking it into the sexual context. I mean, guys, you got a figure that could probably be kind of a kooky turn on, right? Your buddies are like, so what did you do last night, Jim? Oh, you know, I put it in a couple of girls. Excuse me?

Yeah, you heard me. I had a threesome last night. Really? Your wife didn't mind? Oh, no, she was right there. What do you mean, man? oh she was right there she was she was right into it wow you're lucky dude you've got an understanding wife yeah yeah i do she's very cirque de saleh i mean i don't know maybe

it actually might even be have the opposite effect maybe it grosses you guys out what do you think would you would you like to have uh door one and door two would you like to have the option you're like ah you know what honey i did it uh in that one last night so uh let's switch it up and uh let's do it in this one tonight uh huh uh or what if you just like pop back and forth oh you're like okay there's a little bit in there now let's give the other one a little attention and then back and then forth and it's like a tennis game wow and then in a worst case scenario do you invite your buddy over to have fun it's like look jim i'm going to be on the right you be on the left just don't touch me and everything

will be okay i don't know look it's a little bit sick but you got to think of it for what it is you can think of this in the medical way, you can think of this in the adenoma, what's the word I'm looking for, the atomical, adenomical, I'm blanking. I'm so mixed up by two vaginas. The anatomy. You look at the adamatomomical way of looking at this.

And then you inevitably have to look at it the sexual way. Because, you know, they all serve a certain function. Let's hear some more from our double-viginid friend. You're actually having, you could have two periods. Well, yeah, I mean, we all obulate left and right, alternatively, like all other women. But obviously, if you don't know which side you're ovulating from and you didn't know that you had two sides, you wouldn't understand why. Sometimes you'd end up in a bit of a mess, and other times not.

Gosh, that must, I mean, that age, when you're just starting your period anyway, and it's all a bit confusing. it's all bit messy and it's all a bit horrid. It must have been terrible for you. It wasn't nice. It wasn't nice. It wasn't nice. God, I like the interview. Oh, we're going through that terrible, horrible, wretched time.

It must have been doubly terrible for you. Bloody McBloodstein. Oh, God. Let's just keep going. Here what else she has to say. My more embarrassing story here is when I actually did ask a friend. I said, do you have any problem working at which holds a picture? thought I was putting it up my bottom.

Which, of course, was not the case. No, nothing like that. And very difficult for you then to go and broach someone else and talk to them about it. I think I pretty much kept my mouth shut after that for quite a while. I thought I was putting it up my bottom. She thought I was putting the tampon up my bottom. Yeah, that's... First of all, best thing out of this is just the way you say bottom.

I love that. She thought I was putting it up my bottom. What? Putting it where? I thought I was putting it up my bottom I love the moans and groans from the interviewers too right after she says bottom they're like oh oh listen to this I'll do her voice she goes

yeah I thought I was putting it up me bottom I gotta be honest I probably if I did this interview I would have started laughing and I know that's not nice but I don't know how you keep a straight face and sit there and talk to a girl about her two vaginas. So at what stage were you, did you become alerted to this? Because you hadn't noticed. You had a look occasionally.

You checked yourself. You went to the doctor because of heavy periods. I was 18 before I found out. And it was a boyfriend that says... Yeah, my first series boyfriend. He said there was something different about me. I was trying to broach subjects, you know, to do my sex life, things like that. And he said, well, maybe there's something wrong with you.

He said, I've always noticed there's this. thing here and I completely freaked down. I've noticed there's this thing here. Oh, you mean my other vagina? Is there a problem with that Billy? Since

when do men complain about getting too much for JJ? Is that seriously going to be a problem? You want to stop dating me because I got too much the J.J. to offer you? Is that really? Why

you would end this? I wonder how long the guy like kept mum before he told her. I wonder if he got down there. I mean, you got to figure, guys, right? The first time you go down

and do the old cunnelingus, as they say, you go down there and you slowly push her legs apart and bha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. There's like two eyes staring at you. It's like a jack-o-lantern. What the like?

Like what the hell's going on, Scoob? Like it looks like she's got two vagina scoob. Oh. Like she's got two pussy scoop. I mean, come on, man. So I don't know. And you got to think with that scary. a guy away or would it make them

happy? I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. 888 52090 is the number. 888 52090 and let me know, gentlemen,

if you'd like one or two. And ladies, if you, you know, go to that place, you tell me too if you'd like one or two. Oh, like, let's go get a cheeseburger scoop. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely.

Oh, you are tripping. You are tripping here on the Harland Highway with Harland Williams. Are you going on a trip? You really don't want to go on. How many have to go visit the family for Thanksgiving or you got to get on a plane and visit your Uncle Larry and Aunt Sally? go see their new trailer Well there's an answer My friends I figured this one out I had to go to a wedding I'm sick of weddings man

I had to go to a wedding in Cincinnati Ohio Okay who wants to go to Cincinnati Ohio on any given day But I had to go for a wedding I'm on the plane I'm depressed I'm slopping along going through the air

And I'm thinking how do I get out of of this one. And then as if a voice from the heavens came. It came out of nowhere. As if it was just coming out of mid-air, I heard. Do not operate cell phones while in flight, as

it may interfere with landing. Oh, thank you, Lord. Dear God above, I'm not a praying man, but if there's a God up there, help me, God, help me. Oh, I pulled my cell phone out so fast. I called everyone I knew, man.

I was just huddled in the corner behind the headrest of the guy in front of me just talking to nobody. I was calling movie phone. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press one now. Browse through current movie titles and previews, press two now. Guess what? I screwed up the landing of that plane, baby. No more. Cincinnati. I ended up at a resort in Fiji. Oh yeah. The answer's right in the palm of your hand.

Cell phone. It's for me to you here on the Harland Highway. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And the Golden Globe goes to Merrill Street.

Okay, so we all love Merrill Street, at least I do, and she won the Golden Globe for Best Actress for her portrayal of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in a movie called The Iron Lady. And I don't need to toot the horn of Merrill Street, but I'm going to anyways because she's amazing. I'd say probably my top female acting role of all time where I just look at the art of acting

and I look at an actress and I go, what's the very top of my list of someone acting in a movie and it's Meryl Streep in a movie called Out of Africa? When you watch her in that movie, the subtlety, the grace, the dignity, the poise, the conviction. I mean, just all of it. It's a masterwork to watch her live in that role,

to be that person right down to her quirky kind of Danish African accent. I mean, not an easy accent to do. And she just owned it. And it's so soft yet so strong the role she played. It's just a mind-bender to me, and I go, all right, that's the top, and every other actress that, you know, has done a role falls beneath that. And, you know, she's widely recognized by everyone as the top actress around, living today, maybe living ever.

She's incredible. She deserves all the accolades, all the awards. And all that being said, you know, You know, many of her roles are, you know, she just sells them with so much conviction. And she comes off as very graceful and dignified and so on and so forth. And so when you see Meryl Streep except an award, at least I do, I expect her to take the stage with kind of an air of dignity, you know, kind of almost an air of royalty, because she's acting royalty.

She's like the queen of actresses And all the other actresses know it All the other actresses in Hollywood acknowledge it And so when Meryl Streep walks up on the stage To accept an award I expect that aura of dignity and gracefulness To be swirling around her I expect her to be statuesque

I expect her to be eloquent And dignified and poised And you know I just expect a lot out of her because she represents, you know, the bar being so high. And, you know, I also expect a level of professionalism out of her, wherein, you know what, she's got the award, she's earned it, and she must know she's the best, and she must know she's earned it. So what I'm rambling about is she goes up the other night to accept her Golden Globe Award,

and just starts rambling and giggling and trying to make bad jokes and she even said a cuss word she forgot her glasses and she goes oh shit I forgot my glasses and she knows it's like you know pretty much live TV and she swears

and she goes on this rant where she's kind of telling everyone how great all the other actresses are that didn't win and she spent all her speech doing that and before you know it she ran out of time and she came across as kind of like silly and dopey and kind of scatterbrained and almost a condescending to a degree and almost a little bit superficial even and I hate using these words because she's amazing and um she

she almost came across as you know borderline pretentious like I almost got the feeling that a lot of the stuff she was doing was like kind of very actory. Like she was putting on a bit of a show about, oh, I forgot my glasses and I'm going to have to memorize this and all these other girls deserve the award, not me. Listen to her speech and tell me what you think. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Well, when Ricky Treve's deal fell through. and they came to me to play Margaret Thatcher.

I can't joke. I mean, this is such a thrill, but really, really embarrassing in a year that saw so many extraordinary performances by women in leading roles, by my friends, by people I don't know, by people that I am so inspired by, oh, shh, it. Oh, I'm going to have to remember my speech. Okay. I'm going to have to remember.

But Glenn, Viola. Oh, my God, I'm going to leave people off. Michelle Rooney. Gilda, yeah, and how about Adipero Odebier? How about Pariah? How about Michelle? How about Mia Vyazkovska in Jane Eyre? Fantastic.

Tilda, oh, geez, everybody, I know I'm going to leave you out, but that any one of these performances in any given year would have, you know, been a standout and award-winning performance, but the fact that they all came this year is really, really good news for all of us because sometimes it seems that serious, challenging, weird movies are like exotic birds, rare, extinct, near-extinct birds, and every year a new flock flies in and somebody picks them up and gives them money, and we get to see them. So I just want to thank my agent, Kevin Yvain and God, Harvey Weinstein. The Punisher, Old Testament, I guess.

Okay, I got to thank. Everybody in England that let me come and trample all over their, you know, history. Especially, I'd like to thank Philadelphia Lloyd. Oh, no. No, Abby Morgan, who wrote it, Damien Jones, who stayed with us for 10 years. Oh, come on. Every all the cast and crew in England, we made this for 25 cents in five minutes. And I'm so proud of the film, and I'm so, so grateful.

And I love you, Viola. You're my girl. I don't know. Did you hear that? It's like she kind of diminished the film by saying, oh, we made it in half an hour with 25 cents. And then she kind of, you know, she kind of crapped all over England, you know, the movies about the history of Margaret Thatcher.

And she goes, oh, I'm glad you let me trample all over your history. and then she just rambling on about you thanking people and talking about how all the other actresses should have been, you know, been praised. And then the music kicks in and she loses her time. Can you hear the frustration in my voice? Look at Merrill, you're a top-notch Academy Award-winning actress, okay? you deserve everything you got the other people know you deserve it everyone who wins one of these things pretty much deserves it so don't go up and waste your time squandering your opportunity to blabber away and say nothing

nothing of any relevance nothing of any meaning i mean it's almost like it's a ploy so that um you know you can show everyone how sympathetic you are towards them and What a great gal you are because, you know, you're going to give them the credit. Well, guess what? It's your moment to shine in the light. You deserve it. Get up there. Say something inspirational.

Say something eloquent. Say something beautiful. Say something that stirs us, that moves us. We're celebrating your greatness, okay? So why don't you, in turn, show us how great you are? And I know you do that on the screen time after time. We get it, but you've got like a window. They give you like two minutes, okay?

If you can memorize a movie that's three hours long, can you not just in your head throw together kind of a little game plan of how maybe you might move future actresses? Say something that has deep meaning or something that is prolific or something that, you know, lights a spark in someone. or say something that makes us kind of leaves us breathless or makes us standing there admiring you and going, oh, Merrill, God, what a, what a piece of work, what a, what a human being, what a raw talent, what a, you know, all these things. But instead you go up there, you're blabbering away

and acting confused and swearing and making bad jokes. and I don't know. It was just, the only reason I'm saying this is because I love, I love you, Merrill. And I know you listen to the podcast, you know, I know you're my number one fan. But I'm saying it because I love you. You know, you know that thing, tough love? You got to tell the people you love how you really feel or you're not helping them. So, Merrill, in the future, you know, take a deep breath, puff your chest out, go into your lower register,

and give us something that rivets us. Give us something that inspires us and moves us. I know it's your night and you can do whatever you want. But by God, man, I felt like I was watching like a drunk guy at a wedding who'd never spoken in front of the public before and he was stammering and, you know, could only string together a few disjointed words. And he was, you know, just uncomfortable to watch.

and that's what Meryl was last night. It's like be yourself, but, man, dig a little deeper, man. You know, there was like 18 million people watching you all over the world. Probably more. There's 18 million just in North America. I can't imagine how many were watching you all over the world. So, good Lord. It's a prime time, man.

It's a prime opportunity. It's like when you watch football, man, the guys step up and try to throw the best pass they can. They don't kind of like flop it down the field and go, oh, well, let's see. Who do I throw it to? You know. So there's enough losers in the world today,

like Snooki and the Kardashians and all these lame-ass, Paris Hilton, and all these lame-ass wannabe celebrities that really have no talent. What I'm saying is, you know, we relish the moments where we get to see raw beautiful true talent and so you know show it to us don't give us like the kind of half-ass slop that snooky would do if she went up there yeah you know i got the award thanks so much you know i would drunk half the time and you know

my my my bitches were there with me and uh you know it's all right rock and roll okay bitches you know give me something Meryl that goes for all you so you superstars celebs man we we like you we like we like what you have to offer we like that you are stars act like a star there wow for those of you that don't like me to rant too bad that's not a rant that just I'm scolding I'm scolding Meryl Streep, like she's my kid. And you might not agree with me. And, you know, you just heard the sound bite,

but if you watch the show, you can go on YouTube and watch it, I guess. But if you watch Meryl along with the audio, you see that she's just kind of all over the map. So suck it up, Streep. Suck it up. Grow a second vagina and suck it up. what wait a minute wow

okay i'm i guess i'm uh going back to earlier in the show for some reason but uh speaking of a show wow we are out of time i'm sorry if i upset you by ending on on on an emotional rant about merrill strape but please if you get the chance go watch out of africa and you'll see why i'm so upset because i expect so much

from her okay enough enough um let's get down to brass tax here whatever that means um i'm gonna be in uh west palm beach january 26 through the 29th i will be doing stand-up comedy at the improv comedy club in west palm beach go to improv dot com to get your tickets tell your friends about the Harland Highway. I know that some of you have been writing and calling about Stitcher. Somehow we got knocked off a Stitcher, and we're working on getting that back. We don't know what happened. We're investigating, and we hope to be back up on Stitcher soon,

and you can pick us up on your cell phone. Hey, thanks for being here, man. I hope you had a good time, and we'll be back real soon. And until that time, don't forget, you can call me 888, 52090. You can write me at harloweems.com. You can go to our store at harlewilms.com and pick up some cool merch. But until then, until next time, let me just say it. Let me say it in a British voice as Margaret Thatcher, a chicken chow maine.

Oh, baby. How long did you know that you had it? Six years ago when I was 18. Then you were 18 you found out. Okay, you went to the doctor? Yeah, I went to my family doctor and told them that there was something different down there. And they scheduled an ultrasound and the ultrasound came up that I had two uterus. So I actually went home and did a self-examination because I figured it had to be more than that.

Yes. And that's when I found the other opening. So you had two vaginas. Yes. So technically it's a left vagina and a right vagina. A left vagina. and a right vagina. And which vagina is your dominant?

The right. So you have sex in the right one? Usually. Usually. Usually. Typically, if you have two, you can use both. And have you had sex in the left one? Yes.

And which one feels better? Usually the right. The right one feels better. Yeah. Do you have two clitoris? No. One clitoris. No.

And only one G-spot, sadly. And only one G-spot. Which hole is the G-spotted, left and right? The dominant one. Yes. Yeah, you like sex in that right one. I don't blame you. No, no.