The Harland Highway - Podcast 43

Episode Date: November 30, 2009

Full moons,sports replays,politicians, and Cinnamon Boy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, here we go. It's the Harland Highway, and I'm starting to show off a little different today. I'm kind of excited. We have a sponsor on the show. Someone wanted to advertise on the Harland Highway, and I'm very excited. It's an incredible t-shirt company called Donkey Tees.com, where you can get incredible custom-made shirts or buy their t-shirts right online at donkeytees.com. donkey t e e s dot com and uh i guess because this is a new uh kind of partnership a new relationship

a new relationship here i guess uh the top sales rep ooh the top sales rep from uh donkey t's dot com is coming in to i guess probably you know pay me a little visit and you know probably kiss a little ass you know i mean uh so that'll be oh wait a sec here somebody he's here. I guess he's here. Come on in. Come on in. It's a guy from Donkey Tees, the sales rep. Come in. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is this? A jingle. No, no, no, no, I didn't agree to sing any jingle. I'm, I said I'd mention your product on the show. I'm, I'm not singing no jingle.

Oh, God, I should have known this would, what do you want me to sing? I can't even sing really Okay, don't get it out of my face Get it out of my face All right, here we go Donkey Tees Donkey Tees We make great shirts

And we aim to please There, now get out of here No, get out of here I should have known. Donkey Tees.com. Sure, yeah. The sales rep, the head sales rep's an actual donkey. And I think he flipped me off on the way out the door.

I don't know. It's hard to tell with a hoof, but it certainly looked like he gave me the hoof. He hoofed me off. But nonetheless, great t-shirt company. They do hoodies. They do custom t-shirts. They have a lot of real kind of pop culture, comedy-style t-shirts. shirts. Go check them out, folks. Donkey Tees.com. And let's get it to the show here, man. We got some

great topics, some great ground we're going to cover today. We're going to be talking about the full moon. Does the full moon affect you? Are you like the tides of the ocean? We're going to be talking about not comfort foods, but comfort noises. Noises in your environment, in your life that bring peace of mind to your otherwise psychotic personality. I'm going to get into sports, man. I don't talk about sports that much, but I'm going to be talking about the referee skills of some of these so-called referees.

We're going to be talking about introducing replays into all sports. I'm going to be talking about the long hair showing up in the NFL. Then we're going to get a little more serious. We're going to start talking about the government. Government, government conspiracies, politicians, the whole political scene and what they do and don't do for us. And then lastly, I've heard rumblings that this idiot kid might show up. I don't even want to say his name. Let's just leave it at this.

He's a type of spice, and he's a boy. And I hope to hell he doesn't come because my producers are telling me that that's all I'm going to say. You know what? Enough. Let's do this. You're ready to go? You're ready to get into the show. I'm ready. Let's go. Let's jump on the Harland Highway. All aboard. You just made a wrong turn. Heaven's to Mergatroy. Gave them. On to the Harland Highway. You've got cancers at the anus?

My George, I think he's got it. Stop it. Stop it. You're busting my heart. It's Harlan Williams. H. H. HON- HON- HON-

MAH. M. HOM. HOM! HOM! Oh, werewolves. Ooh, werewolves. Oh, do you believe in werewolves, boys and girls?

Whoever is bitten by a werewolf and lives becomes a werewolf himself. Oh, don't hand me that. You're just wasting your time. Oh, God. Can you imagine being bitten by something and then you turn into that something? Like, imagine if you got bit by your baby. And you turned into a baby, a wear baby? I don't know, werewolves, man.

I guess the reason I'm bringing up werewolves is because of the full moon. Yeah, that's right, the full moon. What a beautiful thing the full moon is. I mean, isn't it something to behold? Just the way it kind of secretly rises in the sky. and it just hangs there and it creates all these illusions of romance and mystery and yes terror werewolves they will beat you didn't he yeah yeah he did okay well i want to talk about when the full moon rises

in the sky does it affect you does it affect you mentally does it affect you physically spiritually internally, externally, and I'm doubting there's many of you that actually transform into werewolves, okay? I wish there was. I want to believe if there's any of you out there, call into the show, but I want to ask you if the moon affects your moods, your depression, your happiness, your state of well-being because I really truly am affected by the full moon and it's very weird I'm you know everyone knows I do stand-up comedy and in all stand-up comedy you always run the risk of bombing

and and and it happens to me sometimes um and there's nights when it's like a packed house and the crowd's rocking, and I'm like, oh, this is going to be killer, and I'll go up on stage, and I'll eat it. I'll eat it real bad, and I'll walk off stage, and I'll be mystified. I'll be like, what the hell happened? How did I not kill this crowd? And I'll be scratching my head, and I'll walk outside, and I look up in the sky, and there's a full moon.

right and the first few times that happened I didn't think anything of it but over the course of my long stand-up comedy career I started noticing a pattern just by fluke I would have these horrible sets and I'd wander outside and on more than a few occasions I happen to look up into the sky and see it was a full moon so then I started making the association that my bad nights of doing stand-up comedy were attached to the full moon. And to this day, as God is my witness, I kid you not, if you want to prove the point,

come to one of my shows on the night of the full moon. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the gravitational pull of the water inside me. I don't know if I'm a moon baby. I don't know if I'm made of cheese. I have horrible shows on the nights of full moons. It is bizarre. And here's another thing.

And this is why I'm getting into this. On the night of the full moon, I tend to be a pretty level-headed guy. I tend to be pretty predictable as far as mood swings and anger and all those extremities that humans have. I'm pretty even-keeled, I would say. And I think most of my friends would say that, too. You know, I don't get anxious.

I don't get panicky. I don't get snappy. I don't get bitchy. But, man, the night of the full moon, things happen to me. Okay? I either get really snappy. And I don't mean, like, quick. I mean, like, hey, what are you doing, man?

Leave me alone. like I get short with people and I get irritated easily and aggravated and I snap at people. Okay, that's one thing that can happen to me on a full moon and the other thing is it goes the other way where I'm really happy and up and peppy and in case you haven't noticed, okay, I'm going to say it,

I'm doing the show tonight and there's a full moon. And I'm in one of my happy peppy moods. What do you mean? in a happy peppy mood no you're not oh yes i am no you're not okay what was that oh god that was kind of weird but anyways i'm in a good mood tonight now don't go out look in the sky because i don't know if it'll be a full moon tonight okay you caught me this show is pre-taped but i wanted to do a show on the night of the full moon just to see what it would be like to see if i bombed doing my podcast.

But I'm feeling up. I'm feeling good. And I want to know if the full moon affects you people. So feel free to call in to the Harland Highway at 323-215-1486. Or go to Harlanwilms.com and the numbers right there on the homepage, the hotline number for the Harland Highway. And let me know if I'm the only one in the world that gets affected by... The full moon.

I want to hear if it changes you and how it changes you and what it does to you. Because they say that the full moon basically has a huge influence on everything on the planet, from tides to gravitational poles to mating seasons of the animals and the insects and, you know, all kinds of stuff. but I think my favorite thing about the full moon is I remember being out in Death Valley once with the next girlfriend and we were out there and it was the middle of the night

must have been one in the morning you know it was 117 degrees at one in the morning like just burning and we jumped in the car and drove through the desert and we came to this cliff, this big cliff overlooking all these mountains. And the rock was kind of white. It had this whiteness to it.

It was a chalky white kind of rock. And this giant full moon came up. And I remember just standing on the edge of the cliff in the middle of nowhere in Death Valley with one of my beautiful ex-girlfriends, Andrea. and I just started singing Elvis to her. And that's the kind of thing that the full moon brings out in you. It's romantic, right? Are you lonesome tonight?

Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? See there? I'm serenating you, people. On a full moon, I'm doing my best Elvis. I can't say it's great, but I try. And as your memory sway to a bright summer day, when I kissed you and called you, sweet...

It's Elvis Wolf. Oh, God. All right, so call me and let me know. 323, 215, 1486. Oh, this is the night. It's a beautiful night, and we call it well another. the skies, they have stars in their eyes, on this lovely abellant of earth.

Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway, rolling with you, you're listening to the comforting sound of my succulent voice. It's like a comfort food, my voice, isn't it? Do you have comfort foods, people? We all have comfort foods, right? Chicken pie or apple pie or, you know, chicken noodle soup. But think about this. Do you have comfort sounds?

Think about when you're at your house, okay? You're puttering around doing the gardening or you're in your living room and the doors open or the windows are open and you're letting the spring air come in or maybe nothing's open. But there's always sounds around your house that in a weird way, even though they're noisy, make it feel like home. You know, people who live near a highway or close to a busy road, even though you think it's annoying at night, you can hear it. You can hear the traffic going by in the distance. It's audible.

And it almost becomes rhythmic, like the waves of the ocean. You know, people always want to live near the ocean. helps me sleep at night the way they splash on the shore it's just a rhythm it helps me go to sleep with the waves well isn't a a highway humming in the background just the same or that distant dog barking or that old lady screaming and she has crazy senior sex from over at the senior home just over the ridge oh oh what was that one So from here on in, I want you to think of my soothing, succulent, delicious voice. Even if you hated it before, I want you to flick a switch and put my voice into your comfort sound zone.

Let it make you think you're standing by the ocean or out in a nice field or standing on the edge of a building ready to jump. Hello! Okay, speaking of making me want to jump, let's jump right into sports for a minute here, okay? If you'll indulge me just for a minute, I have a couple of pet peeves, some grievances from the world of professional sports, okay? I don't know how many of you watch sports, but let's start with Major League Baseball, okay? The World Series this year, it's come and gone. but I can't tell you how many mistakes I saw from the umpires, okay? And I think the media covered it too.

There were so many blatant errors that were beyond close calls. There were errors where there was one error where two New York Yankees converged on third base at the same time. Neither of them were standing on the base. the player from the opposing team, the catcher, ran up, tagged both of them right in front of the umpire as they both stood probably a good 6 to 12 inches off the base. Both of them should have been out and the umpire only calls one of them out, even though he was right there and saw the whole thing. There was another situation where a ball was hit down the third baseline all the way to the corner

and there was an umpire standing right on the line watching and the ball clearly landed in the slow motion replay landed about probably six inches on the inside of the white line. In other words, it was a completely fair ball. The umpires almost standing over it. I mean, if that ball had landed in the grass, he could have sat on it and hatched it. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent to greatly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

And who knows if that call could have cost the other team their shot at the World Series, right? So my gripe is, why doesn't baseball adopt the replay rule? the television replay rule that all the other sports are using, right? You've got it in hockey. If there's a questionable goal, if there's some kind of discrepancy, they review it up in the booth. They got it in football. If there's any, I mean, they almost have it too much in football.

It's like, I think I saw number 47. I'm scratching his nut sack. Oh, we better review that. Yeah, you better. Because I want to see it again. No. But anyways, why can't they review all those questionable calls in baseball? We're in an age, we're in the electronic age.

I know baseball is seeped in tradition, and it hankers back to the old days, and America was founded on baseball, and well, whoopi-do, okay? America invented modern electronic. They invented the internet, they invented television, they invented everything. So how about they invent those damn senior citizen umps to have a second pair of eyes and officiate these games with a higher level of accuracy, just in the name of fairness for God's sakes? And is there a rule somewhere that an umpire has to be pretty much over 84 years old?

Have you ever seen like a young, spry, 20-year-old surfer dude, behind the plate, Colin, you know? Uh, like, strike, dude. Uh-huh, uh, uh, ball? Uh, uh, uh, like, uh, strike. Uh, gnarly strike, dude. But you got all these old guys who, do they even have eyesight? Not only are their eyes probably 80 years old and they can't see very well, but they're looking through steel bars on their umpire mass.

So it's like batters are like, what's the call, ump? What's the call? Uh, uh, uh, timber. No, wrong call, um, oh, sir. For, no, wrong call. Oh, uh, taxi. No, wrong call again, ump. Waiter, waiter.

No, wrong call. I mean, good Lord. I'm not against old people. I mean, I'm glad they're out there, but maybe mix it up a little. Have a few oldies, a few youngies, you know? Whatever they got to do. Let's get this right. Okay, so there's baseball.

And now I'm moving off. I'm switching gears into football. and I don't even know if I should be griping about this or not, but for some reason it bugs me and I want to know if it bugs you. Have you noticed that a lot of the NFL players now, the trend seems to be the long hair? Okay.

I think it started off with Palo Malto on the Pittsburgh Penguins or Pittsburgh Steelers or whatever his name is. Paul Molo. Sounds like a chocolate bar. Hey man, you want to Paul Molo. Yeah, I can use one.

My energy's a little low. Yeah, they're delicious, man. They're full of almonds. But this guy's got more hair sticking out of his helmet. I mean, you know, you see these guys running down the field and their hair is bouncing up and down on the sunlight and it's glistening. And I think they just do it because they know they're going to be seen in that slow motion replay on Monday night football, right? So they don't gather around the TV to see their athleticism.

They gather around the TV to watch those slow-motion replays where their hair is bouncing in the air as they run. It's one of these Pratt commercials or V-O-5 commercials, right? Paul Molo's sitting at home watching a TV-Oed the football game. He's like, oh, my God, look how silky I look. Oh, look at, does that hair have been? bounce or does that hair abounce? Look at that. Look how revitalized that hair is as I crossed the 30 into the 20, into the 10 for a touchdown, and I have no oil on my hair. Law. I don't know, man.

Some of these guys look like hippies. Some of them look like beatniks. Some of them look like cavemen. But, you know, it's just not a good look. I hate to say it, but law. long hair coming out from behind those big helmets. It just looks bad. It looks like when you see a fat woman stuffed into spandex, right? And the jelly rolls are coming over the top of her waistline. Right? It's like pudding overflowing in a cup.

She's got those fat jelly rolls coming over the top of the green spandex with stretch marks. And there's beetles crawling on it and gravy dripping down. It's just, that's what this looks like. All this hair coming out from under these helmets. It looks like those creatures that used to fly around with the hamburgler. Remember the French fries, French fries, French fries, the little French fry creatures with the bug eyes and the mop-top heads? I don't know. Maybe I'm being too old-fashioned or something, but it just looks weird.

It's like if the president went to gave a speech and just left his shirt hanging out, you know? Oh, thank you for attending the, uh, Mr. President, your shirt's hanging out. Thank you for attending the Rose Garden. Oh, Mr. President, your shirt. Shut up, Playa. Sorry, Mr. President. Notice I had to put the playa in there because I'm trying to like, you know, to the whole Barack Obama is like our black president. so I tried to hip it up and use some of the black kind of hip lingo.

Is that wrong? Is that wrong to do? Is that wrong to associate a black president with kind of hip black terminology? Is that racist? Is that politically incorrect? Ooh, I don't know. I'm asking you. Maybe it is.

If it is, I got to knock it off. If it's not, it's like I want to see the president inject that to a speech, man. and let me tell you about my health care revisions player okay we're going to use the stimulus package so you better lean back because i'm in miami trick what's up b a health care b ach is that wrong i don't know i think it's cool man i think it'd be cool if he injected some of that street lingo into there you know celebrate the culture a little bit You know, I wish Clinton would have done it too, right? Old Bubba.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman, y'all, right? And I just want to say that the Middle East Peace Accord is Ho! Hey, it's coming around real nice, like, Yeha! Israel and the Palestinians are coming to the peace table and, woo, hey, we're going to have a shoot-up. Ding, don't, dang it. Yee.

I think it would be fun, man. Attaching cultures to the presidential speeches. Welcome to. The government doesn't want you to know. The government. It doesn't want you to know that ceiling fans are just helicopters that fell out of the sky and landed upside down on your roof. Their propellers smashed through your roof and now twirl around on your ceiling,

keeping you cool and keeping the smell of the dead people in the helicopter far, far away. The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on. Hey, hey, hey, won't you now? Come on, hey, now, now, hey, come on now? You don't seem to understand. I'm giving you a way out of you. The only way out.

Oh, boy. Are you one of these people that think the government's hiding things from us? Like, there's all these conspiracies. Do you think Area 51 is full of aliens? Right? Do you think George Bush masterminded the whole 9-11 thing? Do you think it was him and his environment? that flew the planes into the World Trade Center?

I mean, do you think the government does that kind of stuff, huh? Maybe they started Vietnam or they started the thing in Iraq or they just went into Iraq for the oil. I don't know. It's a big question. It's a massive question. Is it in the best interest of a government to do that? Do they do that? Would they do that?

Should they do that? At the end of the day, is it maybe of benefit? To the good people of the United States of America? Perhaps to the benefit of the world? And I don't want to sound naive here. Like, gee, I wonder if the government does stuff. I'm not acting like a dumbass here, people. I'm just asking the question out loud.

What do you think? Because there are people out there that just blinds, blindly, are just fine with everything the government does, you know. But it's interesting, you know, I think it's a little bit of a mixture. I think there's stuff that's premeditated by the government. I think that the government helps tip the scales at times. I don't believe they do things like, you know, orchestrate 9-11s and murder their own citizens. and fly airplanes full of innocent people into buildings.

And what is the upside of that? That's just, to me, that's ridiculous. And I actually get insulted by people who cling to those theories. Okay, I think it's perfectly fine to ask questions and wonder. But to kind of carry the torch for those theories, I don't know. I got to have more faith in our own government. in our own government that we elected to protect our citizens than to think they would do something like that.

But that being said, you look at our politicians, man. You know, and you're watching the news and you see them all get together and you hear, you know, news people and other senators and media people go, well, we're dealing with some of the smartest people in the country right there on Capitol Hill. Well, the team drafting this bill, These are the smartest minds in the United States of America. And I'm like, you know what? No, I don't think so.

I think a lot of these guys just got into office through pure luck. Or they had other motivations then to serve their country. It was ego-driven or money-driven or power-driven. You know, I think a lot of these politicians, I think about some of them, and I look how inadequate they are and how some of them are so inexperienced. I mean, just watch 60 minutes on any given Sunday. And when somebody really puts the screws to them and really grills them,

a lot of them are just dumbfounded and like, well, Mike, I was not aware of those statistics. I will have to talk to my secretary on Monday. Oh, really? Yes, I was not informed of this situation. Are you telling me there's a virus? What's it called? the H1N1?

Are you punking me, Mike? Is that... You know, a lot of the time I think of politicians like this. Like, you ever see, like, that guy who's with the gorgeous girl? You'll see some dope-dopey-looking guy, like a real normal-looking dude. Maybe not even normal-looking. Maybe downright dufous or ugly or stupid-looking. And you always see this when you go out to night.

nightclubs there he is with the most gorgeous sexy broad you've ever seen in your life and you go is something wrong here am i missing something what how does that how did that guy get with that what abomination happened for that to happen and then i kind of look at that i i put that same kind of situation on politicians. And I go, wait a minute, how did that guy get to Capitol Hill? And what qualifications does that dofus have to be sitting in a cabinet position with making important life-altering decisions with, wait, what? You know what I mean? It's almost like the doofy guy got lucky somehow or he was just persistent or he was too,

dumb to know he was doofy and he just kind of flopped his way to the top or into the arms of a supermodel or in this case, into a Senate seat? Yeah, don't just be thinking because someone

got elected and they're on Capitol Hill that they're smart or that they're qualified. I think a lot of them came down to goofy guy with a hot model syndrome. They just got damn lucky and a lot of them don't know what the hell they're doing up there just like these

idiots with the models they don't know what to do with them once they got them hi want to go go home to my place make love uh no but i'd love to play video games and go get some curly fries and then maybe i'll go get a seat on capital hill oh oh god i'd rather have cinnamon boy running the country no wait wait i didn't mean that i didn't mean that no no cinnamon boy hang on there's someone at the door at my studio here hank come in hi i'm cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon oh what do you want kid i want to sing a song you're not singing in here kid i promise i won't say cinnamon if you let me whoa whoa wait a minute what you heard me are you telling me if i let you sing you'll never do all your stupid cinnamon boy shtick anymore?

Shirley, Shirley. You got it, kid. What do you want to sing? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. I was standing by the coffee and I had a sugar donuts. Okay. You know what? I didn't think anything could be more annoying than you telling us about cinnamon, but I think you just hit it, kid.

Do do do do do do do. Stop it. You win, okay? You can go back to sing. cinnamon boy and i love cinnamon yeah that now you've done your singing you're back to your cinnamon thing get out of here but the song's not finished no but you are unreal we're gonna get rid of that kid maybe we can run over him on the harland highway do do do do do get out you're riding home with harland william oh such a nice show oh we're

talking about the moon and werewolves and how romantic it was and we're talking about sports and we're talking about figuring out the government and then cinnamon boy had to show up singing suzanne vaga remember that annoying song do do do do do do do do do do oh god well why don't we end the show with something a little more romantic we'll go back to the whole theme of the beautiful full moon and we'll end out the show with a little full moon romance. And we'll catch you next time. Glad you came along for the ride here on the Harlan Highway. And until then, you know what I'm about to say?

Chicken chow main, baby. here. The night will weave its magic spell when the one your love is near. For this is the night and the heavens are right on this lovely bed on this lovely bed on the day. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.